Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ get your yankee ass off my

Property ♪

♪ don't care if the bank gave

You a deed ♪

♪ this farm been cuyler land for

Generations ♪

♪ since we beat back them slinky

Japanese ♪

♪ in the war of 1812 ♪

Bring our boys home.

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: I want to drive.

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ birds singing ]

>> rusty: come on, boy!

Push it!

I ain't touchin' this here, boy!

You got it all!

>> [ clucks ]

>> rusty: come on, boy!

You got it!

>> [ clucks ]

>> rusty: take it!

Come on, boy!

You got this thing!

Whoo! Push it! Come on!

>> early: son!

What in the hell are you doin'?

>> rusty: you said we got to

Bulk these chickens up, didn't

Ya?

>> early: no, no.

That's gonna take six to eight

Weeks before we see any results,

Which are neither guaranteed nor

Typical for everyone.

>> rusty: but, daddy --

>> early: ask your doctor before

You begin any exercise regimen.

>> [ clucking ]

>> early: round 'em up!

We gonna waterboard 'em!

>> rusty: but, daddy, he's

Almost got it right now.

>> early: damn it, rusty!

Come on!

Push that damn weight!

>> rusty: come on, li'l chick!

>> early: get it off your chest,

Young lady!

>> rusty: you got it all!

>> ♪ you got to find your

Heart ♪

>> rusty: hell yeah!

>> early: come on!

>> ♪ and you're coming out

Fighting ♪

♪ you're gonna freak them out

When they feel your heart ♪

[ both cheering ]

>> early: you damn done it!

>> rusty: hell yeah, boy.

>> early: chalk it up!

[ applause ]

>> dan halen: bravo.

Your weightlifting bird is

Powerful and strong.

>> early: hell yeah.

He's about to hit him some

Decline reps, build up that

Breast meat!

Ain't you, dickie?

>> [ clucks ]

>> rusty: oh.

[ splat! ]

Guess I should have made him

Wear a belt.

>> early: that's a'ight.

Hell, we got other ones.

Jessie, hustle up.

Come on, gimme chase.

Come on, gimme some chase.

>> rusty: jessie

Depressed, you know.

>> early: damn anxiety disorder.

>> dan halen: maybe you

Should...

Feed them.

>> early: oh, yeah, yeah, we

Feed 'em.

We fill 'em full of love,

Nurturin', understandin'...

>> rusty: feces.

>> early: boy, they love they

Own feces.

It's a damn fact.

>> dan halen: these specimens

Are not fit to be slathered in

My sauce.

>> early: aw, come on, now,

Mr. Halen.

I mean, the meat's still good.

If you don't buy these chickens,

I'm gonna lose my damn mobile

Home.

>> granny: oh, we'll be ready

When katrina gets up here.

>> early: hoist the jib!

Batten the mainsail!

>> granny: aye-aye!

>> early: you saggy-ass bitch.

>> granny: aye-aye.

Douche bag.

>> early: aw, come on, now.

You buy you some birds from me.

>> dan halen: take your filthy,

Inbred hands off me!

Your many...Meaty...

[ slurps ]

...Tender...

You were born with all of these?

>> early: yes, sir.

>> dan halen: say...

Who wants to travel back in

Time?

Behold...

The time-travel matrix!

>> early: well, who's this?

>> dan halen: that's you,

Early -- from the past.

>> early: oh.

Oh, I see.

Because by the time the light

Reflects from the time machine

Back to my eye and my brain

Processes the image, the future

Has become the now.

Just like a dyin' star.

>> dan halen: [ grunts ]

Work quickly.

>> ah, yes.

And, uh, what are -- what are

We, uh...

What are we doing?

>> dan halen: merge the beast

And fowl...

As one creature!

>> okay.

I'll just -- I think I --

I think it --

Hmm...

I'll put this right here.

Yes.

As usual.

And, uh, this will grow together

Over time.

>> dan halen: charlatan.

>> probably because of biolog--

>> dan halen: you are lying!

>> uh...

>> dan halen: now, step aside,

God...

As I upset the very balance of

[ echoing ] Creation!

>> eight wings on a single --

On a single chicken.

Is that right?

>> dan halen: no.

>> uh...

>> dan halen: double it!

[ spits ]

No! Too raw!

Double it!

[ grunts ]

This beak is taking up meat

Space!

>> I thought he was going to,

Uh, vomit up ranch dressing.

>> dan halen: from his other

Anus, not his beak.

His other anus.

Where is it?

>> he, uh...

>> dan halen: oh. There it is.

I see.

It's inside the first anus.

Good work.

[ echoing ] Double it.

[ echoing ] Double it.

[ echoing ] Double it!

At last...

The ultimate party platter.

50 flightless but delicious

Wings...

Crisp legs of celery...

Bowels bursting with blue

Cheese!

Now, sublime creature...

Defecate your own to-go box!

>> okay, I-I think that's too

Far.

I could get disbarred for this.

Now, I mean, that's what they

Do, right?

They -- to guys who say they're

Doctors?

>> dan halen: mmm-mmm-mmm.

[ laughs evilly ]

Science, you cheap whore.

[ laughs evilly ]

>> what is this for, again?

>> dan halen: h-how is

Everything?

More iced tea, anyone?

>> sheriff: now, I don't want to

Be too much trouble or nothin',

But, uh...

But I feel like this is a

Chicken penis.

>> dan halen: oh, no, not at

All, sir.

The chickens don't have penises.

That's merely the unabsorbed

Remnants of his hideous twin.

Now, now, over here, yes,

Would be the penis.

>> sheriff: but you said they

Didn't

>> dan halen: uh, not -- well,

Technically, chickens don't have

Penises, sir, as you can clearly

See by the --

Hey!

Well, we don't want that.

Here, let's just remove that.

And --

Oh, it's still coming.

There we go.

No, there's still more.

It ain't nothin' but a wing!

And...It's made its way into the

Slaw.

>> sheriff: you know, I can't

Help but feel like I didn't have

This many tumors when I came in

Here.

>> dan halen: look, we've been

Nothing but up front about the

Tumors.

You can't say that it wasn't

Clearly mentioned here on the

Maze on the back of the kids'

Menu.

[ rip! ]

>> sheriff: dan, I'm an officer

Of the law.

If you want to keep this damn

Place open, you gonna have to

Make some changes, buddy roe.

[ rip! ]

Damn.

[ nazareth's "Hair of the dog

Plays ]

>> ♪ now you're messing with

A child of the lord ♪

♪ now you're messing with a

Child of the lord ♪

>> sheriff: mmm.

That's quite better.

>> granny: hey!

What's this wild hand do?

>> dan halen: it's designed to

Blow out draft beer.

>> early: [ slurping ]

Tastes like blood.

>> dan halen: clots.

Doesn't work yet.

Stay away from it.

>> early: [ slurping ]

That's good.

>> granny: [ groans ]

This one's too hot.

And this one's just not hot

Enough!

How can I find the sauce that's

Right for

>> dan halen: a medium sauce?

Why, the very notion is just...

You!

Go behind the dumpster and mate

The tangy with the mild.

>> rusty: well, how do I go

About doin' that?

>> dan halen: tie tangy up, have

A black chicken [cluck] It in a

Fake rape scenario while mild

Watches helpless because that's

What gets him off!

[ chickens clucking ]

>> rusty: man, they ain't doin'

Nothin'.

>> granny: [ groans ]

Not even oral?

>> rusty: is that what they call

First base?

>> granny: it is for

>> rusty: granny, what I'm gonna

Do?

>> granny: huh.

You just bring 'em down here

2:30 sharp, just like it's writ

On the stall.

>> rusty: ohh.

>> granny: and then you turn

Off the lights.

And that's how I met your

Grampy.

>> early: observe, son.

This is how a creature makes

Love.

>> rusty: uh...Daddy?

She's asleep.

>> [ speaks gibberish ]

[ snoring ]

>> early: good.

[ cell door slams ]

Well, I got far enough.

And you won't

Arrested for it, neither.

Sometimes, though...

Yeah.

>> sheriff: what is this for,

Anyhow, rusty?

Like, a school project or

Somethin'?

>> early: school ain't the damn

Place to teach sex!

I voted against that back in

December!

Where's my dinner at?

>> sheriff: rusty, uh, would you

Mind puttin' that riot baton up

Here in my mouth?

Your daddy don't like his

Broccoli.

>> early: you about to wear you

Some damn broccoli!

>> sheriff: don't even try.

>> early: come on, now.

>> rusty: [ crying ]

>> [ sniffs ]

What's wrong, rusty?

>> rusty: nothin' I seem to do

Can get these chickens to

Bangify each other.

>> ohh, rusty, mating is a

Delicate dance.

>> why, just look at the birds.

And the bees.

>> and these oak slugs.

Check them out.

They're completely depraved.

>> rusty: is that how it works?

>> oh, my god.

>> look, a third one's getting

Into it.

>> can't stand anonymous

Three-way oak-slug action.

>> rusty: they always do that?

>> I'm sorry. What?

>> like ancient roman times in

Here.

>> rusty: oh, my god.

>> yeah, don't look at the oak

Slugs.

Well, we can watch for a little

Bit.

>> rusty: I had no idea that

Nature was so, uh, talky out

Here in nature, I mean.

Y'all carry on conversations

Like this all the time?

>> dude -- oh, man.

[ laughing ] He ate some of the

Wings.

>> that's crazy, man.

>> did you eat those wings, man?

>> rusty: I don't even like

Celery.

>> he's got the sauce on his

Hands.

It'll get through your pores,

Man.

>> calm down, rusty.

You're just having a mild

Hallucination.

Just lay back.

I'm gonna get some damp leaves

On your forehead.

>> hey! What's goin' on?!

>> rusty: my hair talks, too?

>> no, no, it's cool, man.

Hair doesn't talk.

>> you might need to cut me off.

Otherwise I might pull your

Brain out.

>> rusty: get this thing off my

Head!

[ shouting indistinctly ]

[ birds chirping ]

Ohh...

No, no, this ain't right.

This ain't right at all.

Get on out of here.

Fly back to nature, where you

Belong.

[ sweeping music plays ]

[ music stops ]

Now be somebody!

[ music plays ]

[ music stops ]

Run! Don't never look back!

[ wolves growling ]

Oh, shoot!

[ wolves yelp ]

Rusty: the wings!

>> mmm. They are pretty del--

[ hiccups ]

>> rusty: daddy!

Wait a minute, daddy! Daddy!

Hold on a second, daddy! Wait!

Aaaaaaaaaah!

Daddy!

[ crying ] Oh, no, daddy!

No!

>> early: what's the fuss about,

Son?

Hell, I'm just settin' off my

Gasoline collection.

>> rusty: but I thought you was

Savin' that for my college,

Daddy.

>> early: yeah, I

But now I'm not.