Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ I gave all my best years

To that woman ♪

♪ and all she gave me

Was mouths to feed ♪

♪ a miracle straight from the

Loins of jesus ♪

♪ since charlie blew off

Both my testes ♪

♪ 1969 came around the bend ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: I want to drive.

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ down-tempo music plays ]

>> the deepest backwoods

Butt crack of georgia --

Pristine and untouched by sexual

Perversion.

But today, a horny wolf sniffs

At the henhouse.

>> psst. Hey.

[ knock on door ]

Anybody home?

Sexxybait13, you here?

[ doorknob turns ]

>> [ crying ]

[ high-pitched voice ] I wet

Myself.

>> oh, you wet yourself?

Well, next time you wet

Yourself, it's gonna be with

Bubble-gum wine coolers.

How you like that?

>> this man flew across four

Continents to be here.

Now watch how he makes himself

At home.

>> did you make these animal

Crackers?

They're good.

>> [ high-pitched voice ] I'm a

Big girl now.

>> I'm gonna go ahead and take

My pants off.

I'll show you that wrestling

Move I was telling you

About.

>> dan halen: I wouldn't mind

Seeing that wrestling move.

>> ohh.

>> dan halen: where are you

Going?

I just want to ask you a few...

>> I don't do this.

>> dan halen: ...Questions.

There's no reason to be afraid.

>> I don't do this, and I --

>> dan halen: mind telling me

Where your pants are?

>> w-well where are

>> dan halen: damn it! Cut!

Now, in your online chat with

Sexxybait13, she told you --

>> [ high-pitched voice ] I wet

Myself.

>> dan halen: to which you

Replied, "Kewl!

Ur parents away?"

>> I --

>> dan halen: she answered, "I'm

A big girl now."

>> she said she was 60!

>> dan halen: you responded by

E-mailing her an animated gif

Of your engorged, tumescent --

>> I am not here right now.

[ doorknob turns ]

>> dan halen: where are you

Going?

You can't evade justice!

>> sheriff: halt. Police.

>> no! No!

[ grunts ]

>> sheriff: halt, I said.

>> dan halen: you have the right

To remain silent on tv, hd-dvd,

Minidisc, blu-ray, cb radio, and

Satellite audio throughout the

Universe in perpetuity.

>> [ grunts ]

But I was just here to mentor.

I-I just wanted to counsel her

On the dangers of being with me

And having sex with me.

>> sheriff: that sounds like the

Truth.

>> dan halen: yeah. Fine.

Let him go.

>> sheriff: you're free to go.

>> thank you.

>> dan halen: we'll need him for

The sequel, anyway.

>> stay in school.

Stay out of drugs.

>> dan halen: tell your pervert

Friends where all the hottest

Eager tweens live!

>> sheriff: you think they'll

Figure out it's just a

Pull-string doll?

>> dan halen: please.

No deviant mind could ever

Resist the sexy wiles of

Sexxybait13.

>> I'm a big gir-r-rl.

>> dan halen: no!

My plastic-molded temptress!

>> rusty: hey, daddy, come here

And check this wild [bleep]

Out...4.

>> next on "Check this wild

[bleep] Out 4" --

Watch as this postman tries to

Deliver a

[echoing] "Male"...

Spelled m-a-l-e.

>> uh, actually, no package.

[ echoing ] Just a couple bills,

Really.

[ bang, bang ]

[ dramatic music plays ]

>> early: god, al--

Jumped the shark.

[ knock on door ]

>> sexxybait13?

Chad, you in there?

>> granny: I'm here, honey.

I baked you muffins like a good

Boy should.

>> are you alone?

>> granny: it's just me.

>> 'cause...

[chuckling] I'd hate to blow it

Like last time.

[ rips ]

>> granny: hey.

Let's put cough drops in our

Butt holes and and play viddy

Games.

>> uh [chuckles] You're --

You're still a boy now, right?

>> granny: snakes and snails and

Puppy-dog tails.

And moles.

I got a lot of moles.

>> you know what?

I'm gonna go.

>> granny: wait!

>> it feels dirty.

I'm gonna -- I'm gonna call my

Wife...

And kids.

>> granny: hey!

Text me, dawg!

Holla back!

Don't forget to holla back!

>> dan halen: ugh.

This bait reeks of mentholyptus.

>> granny: it's the unguents...

For my gout.

>> dan halen: we need someone

With wiles.

>> granny: I got a wily case of

The gout.

>> dan halen: it's not the same!

We need someone with boyish

Charm and cunning --

>> granny: I'll do that.

>> dan halen: drag her from my

Sight.

[ banjo music plays ]

>> rusty: I-I don't think --

>> early: shut up and eat your

Split, son.

Hey, there, glen.

Where's your boy at?

>> yeah, we're gonna keep kyle

At an undisclosed location till

All this is over.

>> early: oh.

Well, that's too bad!

>> ohh!

>> early: [ shouting

Indistinctly ]

>> aah.

That hurt.

>> rusty: and that's your job,

Daddy?

>> early: glen and me, uh, we --

We'll meet periodically

Throughout the day...

Unless I'm buried, you know,

Drawing dale jr.'s number all

Over them post-it notes.

Yep, paperwork's part of the

Job.

>> dan halen: [ gasps ]

[ heroic music plays ]

Whiteheads twinkling like stars

Against a darkened sky of

Clogged pores.

Butt-cut hairdo, feathered as

The spread wings of gabriel

Himself.

Pewter arrowhead.

"Kick ass!" it says.

Kick ass it does.

>> early: what in the hell you

Staring at?!

>> dan halen: tell me, rusty,

Are you familiar with the

Lifestyles of the ancient

Greeks?

>> early: ain't nobody gonna use

My son's temptatious furtive

Wiles for no damn television

Show!

>> dan halen: y-you know that

Television means tv, don't you?

>> early: oh, the tv-lookie

Box...With the rasslin' in

There?

Well, now, it

You think on it.

Hell, yeah.

>> rusty: but, daddy, I-I don't

Think this --

>> early: I'm the thinker!

And I think we got us a deal.

Bona fidey!

[ gulps ]

>> dan halen: rusty...

Radiant in your perfection...

Reveal yourself to me.

>> rusty: these shorts are...

Pretty tight.

Kind of riding high, aren't

They?

>> early: sometimes, son, to be

A man, you got to be a boy.

[ doorbell ringing ]

>> dan halen: here's your

Chance, rusty.

Shine, you stunning boy-animal.

>> hey.

Sexxybait13?

You in there?

>> rusty: uh...Come...

>> dan halen: just have fun with

It.

>> rusty: uh, well, come on in,

Now.

Just, uh...

I'm just, uh, oiling up my

Tricycle chain here and, you

Know, doing some little-boy

Stuff.

>> dan halen: well played,

Rusty.

Well played.

>> granny: I did it sexier.

>> rusty: now, have you some

Nachos.

I'm gonna go on in there and get

My choo-choo set.

>> dan halen: nachos?

There are no nachos here, but...

Brilliant.

>> where are those nachos, now?

>> dan halen: he's drawing him

In.

>> rusty: got a new caboose I

Want you to see.

>> where are the nachos?

>> dan halen: and the betrayal!

>> damn it!

I knew this house looked

Familiar!

Will I ever find love?!

>> everyone has a talent, a

Gift, something that makes them

Special.

And for rusty, that special

Something was the ability to

Attract deviant pedophiles.

And so he picked the town's

Economy up and carried it on his

Slender, boyish hips.

[ crowd cheering ]

[ bells jingle ]

>> early: tyke's hard lemonade?

Hell, I ain't drinkin' no hooch

From a sissy sippy box.

This ain't even worth stealing.

>> uh, sorry, early.

I don't sell them adult goods no

More.

This new clientele just don't

Want 'em.

>> early: well, hell.

Uh...

All right, I guess I'll have me

A...A teddy bear and one of them

Mega cookies and, uh, how about

Some of them candy handcuffs up

There?

>> okeydokey.

All right, let's see here.

Let's see, what do you want?

You want the goofy grape or the,

Uh,

[ electricity crackles ]

>> early: I think I went with

The money.

>> yes, you did.

>> early: yes, I did!

>> a-a-a-a-a-ah!

>> dan halen: you can't escape

Justice!

Number 43.

>> hey, that's me.

>> dan halen: please have your

Shirt unbuttoned

The house.

We have lots of unsuspecting

Perverts to humiliate here

Today.

>> sheriff: I'll tell you,

Early.

That boy is a real economic

Godsend.

You see that new police car of

Mine?

Cool, ain't it?

Those rims there are real virgin

Ivory, too.

They're from africa.

Wherever that is.

I should care, but I'm just so

Detached.

>> dan halen: number 44.

Number 44.

>> but the economic boom came at

A heavy, heavy cost.

[ lasers firing ]

>> rusty: [ spits ]

You call that damn circus

Peanut?!

That ain't no circus peanut!

I didn't taste no orange

Coloring!

>> dan halen: I'm so sorry.

Somebody orange up these circus

Peanuts!

>> all: rusty! Rusty! Rusty!

Pick me!

>> hey, I'm your mama.

>> dan halen: wait your turn.

>> aah. Hey.

>> dan halen: look, rusty, a-a

Singing plug of snuff.

>> [ muffled ] Here we go.

♪ now, hey, everybody,

I'm here to say ♪

♪ that rusty is a special guy

In every way ♪

>> dan halen: how perfect,

Rusty.

You -- you

>> rusty: whatever, man.

>> dan halen: I deserve that,

Rusty.

[ door slams ]

Dan halen, what are you

Thinking?!

>> happy birthday or whatever.

>> rusty!

>> rusty!

>> pick me!

>> rusty: all right, look here.

Now y'all is just gonna have to

Chill for a few hours, you know?

'cause I need me a radical

Sabbatical, baby.

Now, I'll come back, and y'all

Can adore me then, but right

Now, I can't...

[ coughs ]

I'm suffering...

[ coughs ]

[ clears throat ]

[ deep voice ] Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I'm suffering from extreme

Exhaustication and

Dehydrygenation.

>> dan halen: rusty! My god!

Your face!

Shield your upper lip!

>> rusty: oh, no, no.

I'm changin', see?

And I want my fans to come with

Me as I grow and I evolve.

Are y'all gonna come with me,

Now?

All right.

Now, who's with me?

Come on, there!

[ crowd screaming ]

Come on.

>> dan halen: quickly -- eat

This paint chip, drink this

Coffee, smoke these cigarettes!

Stunt your growth!

>> sheriff: hey, wait, wait,

Y'all.

Now, don't run off.

How do you know you won't like

It you haven't even tried it

Yet?

>> rusty: I'm audi.

>> early: hey!

Where in the hell you think you

Goin'?

>> rusty: wherever my

[bleep]Damn fine ass feels like.

>> dan halen: I hate to see him

Leave.

But I

>> early: oh, hey, don't pay him

No mind.

There's more young 'uns where he

Come from.

Hey, look at this one here.

>> granny: ♪ I'm a little

Teapot, short and -- ♪

[ crack ]

Ohh.

I broke my hip.

>> early: theater-trained.

>> dan halen: call in the

Air strike.

I want scorched earth.

Nothing lives.

[ whooshing ]

>> early: air what?