Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ I gave all my best years

To that woman ♪

♪ and all she gave me was mouths

To feed ♪

♪ a miracle straight from the

Loins of jesus ♪

♪ since charlie blew off

Both my testes ♪

♪ 1969 came around the bend ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: I want to drive.

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ fly buzzes ]

>> sheriff: hmm.

How long's he been like this?

>> early: ain't no tellin'.

Months, years, days.

Hell, it could be

>> sheriff: w-what could, now?

>> early: I don't know.

Nobody does.

We've done exhaustified all

Answers.

>> sheriff: rusty, hey.

[ snaps fingers ]

Son, can you hear me?

Here.

You want to play with my gun?

>> early: ain't no use, sheriff.

They was sayin' the dyslexia

Done spread to his legs now.

Every zone -- infectulated.

>> sheriff: who was sayin'?

>> early: me, just now.

Science, too.

Hell, they

>> sheriff: hmm.

Yep.

He's dyslexic, all right.

>> early: the state will cover

That, don't it?

Give out a check?

You know, monies?

Fundage and such?

>> sheriff: that all depends on

Your level of need, early.

>> early: well, you know I got

This full-service spa and salon

I need to be thinkin' about.

If I ain't gettin' them monies,

I ain't gonna be able to keep

Blowin' this price gorilla.

Then I'm gonna have to take down

All these christmas decorations.

Then what?

>> sheriff: you'll be out of a

Job?

>> early: still.

>> sheriff: I'll go ahead and

File the paperwork with the

State.

We'll get rusty all the

Financial help he needs.

But you're gonna need to put an

Access ramp on this porch.

>> rusty: a ramp?!

Hey, man, how 'bout you build

That ramp on that creek over

There?

I'd jump it on my minibike.

>> sheriff: rusty?

>> early: get back in the house,

Boy.

>> rusty: yeah, you right.

It's chilly out here, daddy.

You done with my skin yet?

>> early: I should have stuffed

Your damn mouth before you

Popped off and exploded my damn

Fonzie scheme.

Huh!

>> sheriff: early, uh, this

Looks pretty bad to me.

>> early: I suppose you right.

I got the sumbitch on backwards.

Simmer down, son.

I found the tag.

>> sheriff: I'm gonna have to

Report this to the authorities.

>> early: oh. [ chuckles ]

Come on, man.

We was just teasin' with the

Government.

>> sheriff: those entitlements

Exist for a reason, early, and

I'm an official of the state and

Sworn to uphold my duty.

I just can't allow you to work

The system that way.

[ creak! Snap! ]

[ clears throat ]

Can I?

[ sizzling ]

>> early: just yank that ol'

Boy off the bronzin' pit,

Sheriff.

>> granny: hey!

Easy there, stallion.

I got 15 more minutes here.

>> early: she does got 15 more

Minutes.

>> granny: how do I look?

>> early: um...

Better make it a half-hour.

>> granny: well, toss another

Tire on there.

>> early: you want you a bark

Smoothy while you wait?

>> rusty: we got some pine-bark

Flavor.

We got some...Tropical-island...

Ocean...Florida...

Pine-bark flavor.

[ whirring ]

>> early: mechanical face peel?

Microdermabrasion?

>> sheriff: no, I'm just gonna

Kind of get a base coat, you

Know.

>> granny: wait a minute.

[ whoosh! ]

I think I may need to go see a

Doctor.

[ monitor beeping ]

>> she has, uh, fifth-degree

Burns over 240%, uh, of her

Body.

Right here.

>> granny: aah!

>> right here.

>> granny: oh!

>> right there.

>> granny: oww!

>> you can hear it crackle just

A little bit.

>> granny: owww!

>> what's cookin'?

Just kidding.

Come look at my expensive

Computer.

Uh, fortunately this -- this,

Uh, circle box can allow us to

Pinpoint the exact location of

The burn so we can mask them

With these enormous fake

Breasts.

>> granny: bigger.

Bigger.

Bigger.

Bigger.

>> rusty: yeah, bigger.

>> oh, look -- it's me.

>> granny: bigger.

Bigger.

[ computer beeps rapidly ]

Mm...

>> rusty: bigger?

Yeah, bigger.

>> granny: okay, bigger.

Bigger.

Come on, now. Bigger.

Bigger.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hit the brakes, there,

Frankenstein.

I want 'em to look natural.

>> rusty: hey, what about them

Burns, doctor?

>> wait a minute.

You've got burns?

That is so amazing.

I've got burns, too.

Look.

We both have burns.

>> granny: can you make it

Bigger with less nipple?

So, medicare ain't gonna spring

For no fake funbags?

>> early: medicare.

Medicare

Medicain't!

>> granny: but what about my

Fragile self-esteem?

[ zip! ]

Ohhh!

>> early: yeah, we got that

Covered.

>> granny: [ snoring ]

[ snake-charming music plays ]

>> [ hisses ]

>> [ growls ]

[ whines ]

[ bones cracking ]

>> [ moos ]

>> [ clucks ]

>> [ growls ]

>> [ clucks ]

>> [ whines ]

>> [ moos ]

[ thud ]

[ crackling ]

>> granny: can I see a mirror?

>> early: russell, fetch that

Mirror.

>> rusty: yes, sir.

[ engine revs ]

[ crash ]

>> granny: I like it.

>> early: yeah.

I sewed them pig intestines

Where your mammaroids hang.

>> granny: soft, yet supple.

Just like the real thing.

>> early: adjustable, too.

Now, if you don't like 'em

After a couple weeks, we can add

More manure right on the fly.

>> granny: no wrinkles.

Hair looks fuller.

It

>> early: that's the lyme

Disease.

But them maggots will die over

Time and leave their heads

Burrowed into your outer organs.

>> granny: well...

I can live with that.

>> early: mm, probably not,

Though.

>> sheriff: granny...

Have you done somethin'

Different with your hair?

>> granny: [ giggles ]

I'll never tell.

>> early: sheriff, we close up

At 6:00, now.

>> sheriff: five more minutes?

[ whoosh! ]

>> early: mm...

Better make it 10.

>> granny grew to appreciate her

New fur, and it filled her with

A confidence that the purple

Prunish skin of her past had not

Allowed.

[ all singing indistinctly ]

Maybe just a little

Confidence.

>> granny: just the ladies!

♪ to the old rotten cross ♪

Fornicators only!

♪ how will I ever be true? ♪

Now the men!

>> my, someone's lookin' spry

Today.

[ chuckles ]

How do you do it, granny?

>> granny: wouldn't

Know.

>> seein' your new skin reminds

Me of the story of joseph and

His coat of many colors.

The youngest of 11 sons of

Israel and reached --

>> granny: [ hissing, rattling ]

Don't speak.

Just drink me in with your eyes.

Do you like what you see?

>> [ chuckles nervously ]

Uh, I-I s-s-suppose I do.

>> granny: so you want it?

>> well...

[ chuckles ]

Granny, if I were not a man of

The cloth...

>> granny: you'd bend me over

The hood of that king cam and

Scramble my eggs up nice and

Warm?

Host a little "Punch and judy"

Up there?

>> no, I-I understood when you

Mentioned the eggs.

>> granny: please.

I'll pop these teeth out and

Rock your world.

[ slurp! ]

[ plop! ]

>> early: we can take five if

Y'all need to get busy.

>> granny: ooh!

You have to catch me first.

[ giggles ]

>> early: go on, reverend!

She's in heat!

>> granny: I'm gettin' away, you

Big, blue tease!

>> rusty: go get you some,

Reverend.

Whoo!

>> okay. [ chuckles ]

We'll see y'all at the spaghetti

Social.

>> granny: hey! Get back here!

>> rusty: go get you some,

Granny!

>> granny: get to know each

Other!

[ siren chirps ]

>> sheriff: granny, you know

Rape is illegal in these parts.

[ thump ]

I know it, too.

It's pretty much illegal

Everywhere, isn't it?

I'm pretty dang sure it's

Illegal in most places.

>> granny: [ growls ]

[ shrieks ]

>> sheriff: I-I tell you what --

W-why don't I just let you go?

>> you're releasin' her?

>> sheriff: what? You're gonna

Blame

>> early: aw, granny, rape

Illegal in these parts.

Ask me how I know.

>> granny: [ panting ]

>> early: go on.

Ask me one time how I know.

>> granny: [ growls ]

>> early: it's a long story, but

A colorful one.

[ glass shatters ]

>> granny: pull over, dumbass!

>> early: whoa, whoa, whoa!

What the hell?!

[ tires screech ]

>> granny: [ howls ]

[ panting ]

>> oh, um...

No, no.

I-I was just, uh...

Just blocking the wind,

Actually.

>> granny: you sure, now?

[ demonic voice ] There's plenty

Of room!

[ growls ]

>> early: seriously, tell me --

How is it rape when they're

Dead?

Talk about a victimless crime.

>> rusty: daddy, there's

Somethin' about granny and that

New fur.

>> early: yup. I'm proud of her.

She's really come out of that

Shell.

She's a social butterfly, she

Is.

Damn it, woman! Stop piddlin'!

[ horn honks ]

>> granny: [ growls ]

>> early: I swear.

That woman will talk to a

Fence post.

[ clank ]

[ clank ]

>> granny: [ shrieking ]

>> early: damn it.

I knowed this was gonna happen.

The shaman tried to warn me, but

I was arrogant.

"Health of our ancestors," he

Said.

"Leave them alone."

[ shrieking stops ]

>> rusty: daddy, what do we do

Now?

>> early: we wait.

>> granny: [ shrieks ]

>> early: actually,

Escape pod only holds one.

See ya.

>> rusty: b-b-but, daddy!

>> early: hang tight, son!

Fight the good fight!

>> rusty: it's okay.

Come over here. I'll pet you.

I'm your friend. I'm rusty.

Aah!

[ thumping, horn honking ]

>> dan halen: such grace coupled

With such brutality.

Violent, wild, and feral.

Great pagan gods of olympus, who

Is this sublime creature?

>> early: I could arrange a

Meetin'.

>> dan halen: no, no.

That's not necessary.

I'll just take her from here.

>> early: whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold on, now!

You can't do that!

You got the damn safety on,

Here.

[ ratchet! ]

[ gunshot ]

>> dan halen: despite the

Efforts of the best doctors, I'm

Sorry to report...

That the disease has spread to

Her legs.

Every zone -- infectulated.

Let's stop dyslexia in its

Tracks.

Not for

She's completely dead.

But for

Awesome building.

I want to put a death ray

Right...There.