Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ I gave all my best years

To that woman ♪

♪ and all she gave me

Was mouths to feed ♪

♪ a miracle straight from the

Loins of jesus ♪

♪ since charlie blew off

Both my testes ♪

♪ 1969 came around the bend ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell, no.

>> rusty: I want to drive.

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ water dripping ]

[ rustling ]

>> rusty: hey, y'all hear that?

>> granny: no.

Was it a ghost?

>> rusty: no, it wasn't no

Ghost.

>> granny: was it you?

>> rusty: no, no, no.

Shh. Shh.

>> granny: I can't tell who's

Talking right now.

Was it me?

>> rusty: no, no, no, granny, it

Wasn't you.

>> granny: well, I just did say

Something.

>> rusty: shut up, granny!

>> granny: you shut up.

>> rusty: I think it's a plump,

Little cockroach, just running

His fat, little, tender, meaty

Belly across concrete.

>> granny: shh!

He's gonna hear us.

>> lil: I can't see nothing.

>> rusty: no, you got to lay

Down.

You got to open up your mouth.

And then you hope and you pray

That he'll crawl his sweet,

Little ass up in there.

>> granny: mm-hmm.

Dip him in hot sauce, smother

The head and legs -- you got a

Nice little snack, there.

>> lil: ain't got no hot sauce.

>> granny: don't you ruin my

Fantasia.

[ crackling ]

>> early: [ lips smacking ]

[ mumbling ]

>> rusty: what, now?

>> early: I said [gulps] It's

Been hard for all of us, son...

Living down here without hot

Sauce.

>> rusty: well, what's that

Sound, then?

You frying something up?

>> early: damn straight.

>> rusty: that's meat, isn't it?

>> early: it's my meat!

Give me my damn meat!

Do not touch the meat!

The meat is mine!

Shh. Shh. Shut up.

[ door creaks ]

>> sheriff: hello?

Anybody in there?

>> early: not on my watch.

[ gunshots ]

Back to hell with you machines!

>> sheriff: aah!

It's just me, the sheriff.

[ coughs ]

>> early: he's right.

It's just him -- sheriff.

>> granny: faceplate's secure.

>> early: maybe...Too secure.

>> sheriff: early! Stop it!

>> granny: oh, he's displaying

Emotions.

Replicant!

>> early: try and barcode my ass

Now, you filthy-ass robot!

>> rusty: hey, daddy, I think he

Really is the sheriff.

>> sheriff: it's me.

It's the sheriff.

>> early: now, tell us what year

It is, robot, and don't you lie

To me!

>> sheriff: [ coughs ]

[ monotone ] 2-- 2-2-200-003.

[ "Auld lang syne" playing ]

>> early: hell, we survived

The y2k!

Ooh, yeah, we done survived,

Baby.

We done won.

The prophecy is fulfilled.

>> rusty: ooh, yeah!

Uh, where's uncle shannon at?

>> early: mmm.

Shannon, you've gone and

Deep-fried yourself!

Why, shannon, why?!

Right, y'all?

Why?

>> granny: [ sighs ]

Dibs on the brain.

>> early: and that there is why

I don't abide by no damn

Computers -- no, sir.

>> sheriff: I don't remember

That happening, early.

>> early: 'cause it ain't, yet,

Dumb-ass.

It's about to.

Read your damn scriptures.

>> sheriff: so, I'm assuming

Y'all don't want my old pda,

Huh?

>> early: no, but I'll take that

Fine-ass belt holster.

>> rusty: what I got to mash to

Make it do?

>> sheriff: well, just press

This button here.

Whoa, sorry about that, rusty.

That's my private collection of

Erotica.

>> rusty: is that what that is?

>> sheriff: forgot that was on

There.

>> early: haul it to the

Landfill.

It ain't welcome amongst us.

>> sheriff: early, today's world

Runs on computers.

If rusty has a mind for this, he

Might even be counting in a few

Years.

>> early: numbers? Numbers?

Numbers was created by the

Prehistoric hispanics so they

Could thieve all the jobs from

The romans.

Dinosaurs, too -- hell, yeah.

>> sheriff: uh, dinosaurs what?

>> early: computers, yeah.

Romans.

>> sheriff: look, alls I'm

Saying is it might help the boy

Get a job one day.

>> early: he don't need no job.

He got him a trade.

>> rusty: stand clear.

Oh!

[ coughing ]

>> dan halen: diamond?

>> rusty: no, sir, just some

More dust.

That's all.

[ whirring ]

>> dan halen: go ahead and

Breathe it in.

>> granny: well, the coal-dust

Brasserie was good enough for

His granny.

And, by god, it's [coughs]

And it's gonna be good e--

[ coughing ]

And it's [coughing]

And -- oh, there we go.

No [coughing]

>> sheriff: come on, early.

Do right by the boy.

You see he's already taken to

It.

Look at him over there.

>> rusty: look, daddy, I got all

My contacts in here.

>> early: you think you could

Compute so good, then how about

You computing some damn food on

Our table?

>> rusty: see these dots here?

Those are fish.

And that big one right there,

That big dot -- that's us.

>> early: I don't like fish --

Too shiny.

I like me some white-tail.

>> rusty: well, this is just

Sonar.

>> early: I eat white-tail!

>> rusty: all right, so this is

Us, and all these dots around us

Are white-tailed deer.

>> rusty: so, all we had to do

Was blow up the dam?

>> sheriff: hey, boys!

>> rusty: uh-huh.

>> early: whoo!

>> granny: hey, who blew up the

Dam?

>> rusty: we did, granny, with

Computers.

>> granny: oh, you're so smart.

>> early: I ain't eating a wet

White-tail.

You got to make this thing fix

My four-wheeler.

>> rusty: well, dad --

>> early: make it fix my

Four-wheeler!

>> rusty: so, I done hooked the

Computer up to this chassis,

Here, but then I noticed you

Just ain't go no tire.

>> early: well, I know I got

Tires, so mash it again.

[ buzz ]

>> rusty: nope, no tire.

>> early: you've got to hook it

To the tire, boy.

That's your issue.

>> rusty: okay, well, I...

[ buzz ]

Still no tire.

>> early: mash "New," "Refresh,"

"New tire."

>> rusty: there are limits to

What it can do, daddy.

It's only got 4 "K" of memory.

>> early: so it ain't gonna give

Me back my tire.

Is that what you're saying?

>> rusty: well, daddy, not

Everything can be fixed by

Computers.

>> early: kiss your mother-ass

Goodbye!

>> rusty: but, daddy, this is my

Passion.

>> early: passion is for

Smashing.

>> rusty: no, daddy, no!

>> early: don't you defy me,

Boy!

Let's just see if he can

Out-compute a bullet.

>> rusty: you're gonna have to

Shoot me first.

Ow!

Oh.

You did shoot me first.

>> early: that I did.

But I must never be crossed.

Now, may satan sodomize you in

Deepest hell!

What the?!

>> rusty: oh, my god, my program

Worked!

>> narrator: rusty's program

Had not worked.

It was merely a list of

Judas priest songs that he felt

Kicked ass.

What had happened, in fact, was

That the pda had become

Self-aware.

By 9:15, it had built a series

Of companions.

And by noon, a robotic army was

Sweeping the countryside.

>> early: damn it, what did I

Tell y'all?

Repeat what I told you.

>> sheriff: I know, I know.

Hey, have you seen my foot?

>> early: don't think so.

[ chomp ]

>> sheriff: I have got the

Sharpest pain in my ankle.

It's been bugging me all

Afternoon.

[ door creaks ]

>> rusty: hey, y'all, come on up

Here.

It ain't so bad.

>> narrator: in fact, not bad

At all.

In a short period of time, the

Computers dramatically improved

The quality of life in

Dougal county.

And before long, every man,

Woman, and child enjoyed the

Benefits of being ro--

[bleep] Damn it, let me just do

One more on the -- all right.

And before long, every man,

Woman, and child enjoyed the

Benefits of being lorded over by

An evil, robotic army.

>> sheriff: I tell you, early,

These computers have really made

Things easier.

Why, just this morning, they

Updated my whole criminal

Database.

>> public urinator!

>> granny: no! Oh, no, no, no.

>> violation of the provision

Code.

>> sheriff: hell, I don't even

Know where that is.

>> granny: it's some kind of

Mistake.

I'm incontinent.

>> sheriff: well, I am, too,

After 11 beers, but not on the

Side of the church.

>> granny: [ sobbing ]

Busted.

>> dan halen: so, heat and

Pressure and not indiscriminate

Smashing.

Okay, I'll try it.

Diamond?

>> rusty: yep, it's a diamond.

>> dan halen: yes!

At last, street cred is mine!

Quickly, show me awesome bitches

From accounting for a pan-sexual

Adventure through time!

>> early: afternoon, glenn.

How's that spreadsheet coming?

>> I told you.

You're not my supervisor, so...

[ groans ]

>> early: oh, no, too much.

You'll get the hang of it.

Grab some java.

Anybody for coffee?

What you think, boy, real or

Fake?

You're right, it don't matter.

>> welcome, humans, and engorge

Yourself on this magnificent

Feast we have prepared.

It is in your honor that we

Crash into each other with

Blades and flames for your

Amusement...

And to help find a cure for

Early-onset diabetes.

We are your tireless slaves.

>> early: whoo-hoo, slaves!

>> but first, if we may, let all

Robots join hands in one

Enormous, yet dignified gay

Computer marriage.

>> early: [ grunts ]

Utopia?

Hell, not at this price.

>> sheriff: I'm sure glad they

Didn't convert us.

I'm happy just the way I am.

>> rusty: it might just be me,

But what difference does it make

What they do behind closed

Doors?

>> early: oh, what's next?

You gonna provide a stable and

Loving, yet unorthodox home to

Some adopted young 'erns?

>> sheriff: rusty, we played

Basketball with that robot.

>> early: same damn locker room.

You got to have trust on a

Basketball team.

>> narrator: the fire raged on

For three years, filling the

Air with toxic lead.

But finally, dougal county was

Free of the computers and their

Gay marriages, and life was made

Simple once again.

>> early: come on, boy, mush.

>> rusty: now, don't forget the

Standard deduction, daddy.

>> early: standard deduc-- what

The?

You just do the pulling.

I'll do the damn taxes in this

Family.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Go, go, go, go, go!

>> rusty: [ grunting ]

>> early: go on, boy, get!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Get the hell on!

>> rusty: I'm sorry, daddy.

>> early: wail like a son of a

Bitch and win!

Go, go, go, go!

All right, all right, all right.

Hold on, hold on.

[ sighs ]

We're clear.