Original subtitles

["Joy to the world" on banjo Playing]

- sweet.

I always wanted One of them dunk hoops.

Ugh.

Nothing but net.

- ho, ho, ho!

That, uh--that wasn't billy's House, was it?

- recalculating.

- stupid gps.

I thought he looked a little Large from here.

- apartment complex In .1 miles.

- ok, here we go.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I think I blew Out my rotator cuff.

Ooh, hoo hoo.

Oh, I'm gonna need a stretch Of jew houses soon.

- descend immediately for Milk and cookies.

- oh, ho ho ho!

This is big crimson daddy

Requesting emergency landing, Over.

Mmm.

Chocolate chip.

Plastic cookie?

It's a trap!

Ugh!

- well, well, if it ain't The ultimate yankee.

- please, I beg of you.

- you come down here and take Over all our businesses.

- I mean you no harm.

I have a whole sleigh of toys Over there.

Take whatever you want.

- damn, daddy!

Look, he got a mr. 'tato head Over here.

- yes, yes, mr. 'tato head.

Take one, please.

- oh, it ain't no Mr. Tater head we after, son.

No, sir.

- we ain't?

- I don't know, is it?

- it is. What you talking about?

- don't ruin the damn plan!

[christmas music playing]

- [humming]

- [groaning]

- what's that, ripper?

- [growling]

- no, no mistletoe this year.

You know how that jealousy Stuff is.

Hush, ripper, please. Shut up, I want to hear this.

- oh, lord!

- check this out. A bonafide 8 point.

I'm gonna mount it On my toilet.

- [crying] Rudolph!

- that way people will know It's for the mens.

- you were so rare!

- he's about to be medium rare.

- I'd love me some smoked Venison.

A lot of people overlook,

But there's a lot of good meat On the face.

- whoo-hoo hoo! Whoo-hoo!

- you're all insane!

What could you possibly Want from me?

- oh, I think you know What I want, santy claus.

- cuyler, it's impossible--

- I only ever asked you For one thing.

- I--I just--I can't do it.

- damn it, I've been A good boy!

Now, how many damn years I gotta wait?

I want me The greatest gift of all!

- I won't bring you the still Beating heart of jeff gordon!

All right? I've said it.

- well, nicholas, I'm disappointed.

We'll do it this way.

Russell, give me My straight razor.

- no, no. No, please. We don't have to go this way.

- ok, ok, you right. - oh, thank you.

- I'm thinking the rusty fish Scaler instead.

- no, no. No!

[tearing]

No! No!

- no, it's the beard!

- damn it!

We will not negotiate With terrorists!

- the still beating heart Of jeff gordon?

What kind of twisted madman Would want that?

- make it so. - but you just said--

- damn it, make it so!

- I made it just so.

- a wooden heart...

Filled with fruity jellybeans.

Hell, I gotta be honest. It don't surprise me.

Not coming from jeff gordon.

- you have what you want. Now release our leader.

- but--but, daddy, he just Said he made that.

- yes. I made it just so.

- scooter, run! - santa?

- run! - damn it, it's a trap!

[scuffle; indistinct yelling]

[static]

- we've lost him, sir.

- [sigh]

Dispatch the silent knights.

[bell ringing]

- you'd best hope them Munchkins

Come through for you, Boss.

They pull another stunt Like that,

It's gonna be buck knife Nipping at your damn nose.

- [spitting]

I'm gonna kill you all.

- russell, keep an eye on him.

I'm going outside to holler For a bit.

Whoo! I'm wild!

Hell, yeah!

Whoa! Hell! Whoo!

- damn, then he gets so crazy When jeff gordon wins a race.

I don't know what he's gonna do.

- we've had some good times, Haven't we, ralphie?

Richie?

- uh, no, I ain't supposed to Be talking to you, santa.

- remember that evil knievel Snake river canyon jump set?

Oh, ho, ho, I remember How much you wanted that.

- uh, I don't remember Getting that.

- oh, right.

Yeah.

You would've loved it.

- well, I got That chicky pox once.

Was that from you?

- oh, ho, ho. That was probably a--

Probably a toilet seat Gave you that.

- actually, it wasn't so bad, Really.

I mean, once I drained The pus out.

- hey! Ho ho!

So, there's something.

Hey, come sit in my lap

And take the fishhooks From santa's scrotum.

There's really no need for that.

- I'm crazy! Crazy.

Son, what the hell Are you doing?

- he's with me now. I'm the decider.

If you ever want to see your son Alive again,

You'll do what I say-- Ugh!

[groaning] - that's right, fat man!

- we're gonna ventilate all that Jelly out of that there belly.

- early!

You gotta remember the reason For the season.

- sorry, granny.

- who's naughty now?!

- damn, it's johnny law.

You best play nice, fat man.

- 6, 7, 8, huh?

Boy, that's well over the limit, Ain't it, early?

- something I can help you With, sheriff?

- we got reports that Santa's sleigh went down

Somewhere over dugal county.

- oh, that's horrible.

- you heard anything or,

You know, see anything Unusual, early?

- what--what'd it look like?

- hmm. Looks a lot like This one, actually.

But it didn't have all them Bullet holes in it.

- well, I'll keep my eyes Peeled.

- get down and stay down Like I done said!

- ugh! Oh!

I can behave!

- no, I told you that sheriff Does not need

To see you in there!

- who was that, early? - in-laws.

Always beating theyselves up And screaming for help.

You know how it is, right?

- I'm not married, but call me If you need anything.

Well, that is, if you get A telephone.

Here's my card.

- and here's my card.

- early, this is my card.

- it is now. Take care.

Have a good 'un.

- good-bye, santy claus!

I'll catch you on the flip.

- santa claus? - rusty! Now!

- hey, hey, rusty! Hey!

- now, get down.

- hey. Hey! [sniffing]

- stay on the ground, boy.

- mmm, is this freshly smoked?

- hickory. Go on, take you some.

- mmm.

What can I say?

Mmm, that's delicious.

Thanks, early. Merry christmas to y'all.

[engine starts]

- merry christmas to you!

- merry christmas, sheriff!

- oh, ho! And a merry christmas to you!

- get back in there!

Come on, git.

- the partridge is In the pear tree, sir.

Repeat, the partridge is In the pear tree.

- you don't have to repeat That, clarence.

It's fine. I understood the first time.

- bring us the figgy pudding.

- I repeat, bring us The figgy pudding.

- you know, that's annoying.

- so, ho ho.

You like to smoke?

Well, I smoke a pipe On occasion myself.

Ho ho.

Mrs. Claus doesn't care for it Too much.

That's crack cocaine, isn't it?

Yes, I should've known.

Oh, the glass dick.

[carolers sing "O holy night"]

- what the hell?

- look, daddy, look!

The jesus baby's up there Singing!

- ♪ ...Its worth

♪ a thrill of hope

♪ the weary soul rejoices...

- I'll tell you what, son.

You got to enjoy every christmas You have, rusty.

You don't never know How many you gonna get.

- I--I love you, daddy.

- and I love you, too, son.

- ♪ fall on your knees

- I said fall on your knees, You son of a bitch!

- what the he-- - it's a trap!

[whistle]

Go for the face, my angels.

Spare no one!

["O holy night" playing]

- [overlapping Singing and screaming]

[elves screaming indistinctly]

[static]

- I'll notify the families.

- damn, we had him.

Have we heard anything From the gordon camp?

- they're not budging On the heart, sir.

- damn it.

Early, I need more time!

- for what?

You got two old boys here with Jeff gordon in a box.

- oh?

Oh, good!

Well, never mind then.

- hey, nice to meet you.

- what the--cock johnson?

- daddy, it's a trap!

- you'd best try again, Tiny bitches.

- cock johnson is a man Of great strength.

His heart is quite large.

- I said jeff gordon!

Now, who in the hell's making Decisions for you?

- you know what? Forget it.

Let's just call this My two weeks, all right?

Good luck, santa. - elves, please!

- the pay is not commensurate With the agony!

- look, that can change.

- how much you boys make?

- we get one candy cane A month.

- and no dental!

- it's been an issue.

- that's exploitation.

- what does this mean, Exploitation?

- oh, never you mind.

You ever use them little fingers To bore out a carburetor?

- I've built a wooden Name placard for corey.

- well, all right, then.

How's two candy canes A month sound?

- why, two is far more Than one.

I'll take it!

- come on, let's go.

- I can bore a car-- Carburetor.

- wait! Elves, don't go!

- or you'll what?

- yeah, what?

- I will rain fire down on you From the skies!

I made you, damn it!

You were a bunch of tiny Drifters before you met me!

[door closes]

Wh--what are you gonna do to me?

- you ever seen the movie

- oh, no. No, no. No, no, please, please.

- no? Me neither.

- I want to, though. I heard good things.

- ugh!

- I told you once, You son of a bitch!

I'm the best that's ever been.

- what?

- fire in the mountain,

And run, boy, run!

Whoo!

Go, daddy, go.

You're making me look Stupid here. Go!

- [humming]

[christmas music plays on radio]

- hmm, now, wait a minute.

[thinking] Well, it's sort of Like this one here.

- help! Help!

- good-bye, santy claus!

- oh, my goodness!

- slow down! Ugh!

- mmm, that's delicious.

[smacking lips]

Mm-mmm, that's good!

Mm-mmm!

[smacking lips]

Mmm, man, that's delicious.

I'm eating light.

Ha ha ha!

- ho ho ho! Merry skull!