Original subtitles

[static]

- ♪ my dreams are all Dead and buried ♪

♪ sometimes I wish the sun Would just explode ♪

♪ when god comes and calls me To his kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you Sons of bitches when I go ♪

♪ [yodeling] ♪

- my turn. - hell no.

- hey, man, lemme drive That thing!

- do not touch the trim!

- granny: In the beginning,

God created heaven and earth,

And then he called--

Wait! He renamed the day to light

And the night, He called the dark.

But the light was called day.

- early: Get with the story, woman.

- then he took to making stuff,

Like, he made trees...

Birds...

[birds chirp]

Bears...

[growling]

Too many bears.

Shoulda dialed back On the bears.

And so he dialed back On the bears,

And the bears...

[continues indistinct]

Were soaked in acid-washed denim

And stately stones of--

- just get to the damn Good part.

- finally the great creator Clapped his mighty hands

And said...

- by christ of blood christ...

- stuff and then he reached

Into his magical hat

And pulled out a squid

Made Of his own image.

- and that squid was me?

- yes, my child.

- no.

- no, my child. Sorry.

- it was me.

Now, come on, tell him What the lord done next.

- well, then he reached down Into the squid

And pulled from him a rib.

- two racks of ribs!

Washed that son of a bitch down

With a watermelon full Of all-weather coolant.

Then it was on!

Took them homemade 'squitos Out to lake hartwell.

Lit that sumbitch up!

I know, I know, glory days And all, but it all happened.

- wasn't that what you done On labor day weekend?

- yeah, that's what we talkin' About, right?

Kick-ass weekends?

- mm-hmm, I tear it up On the weekends.

- no, you was tellin' me About the bible,

Where we come up from And all that.

- oh, right.

In the beginning, god created--

- this is a bunch of damn mess.

Come on, boy, it's time For soccer practice.

Now the europeans would call This here football, but I don't.

I call it bass fishing...

'cause that's what it is.

- hey, daddy, would you hook me A worm?

- no.

Couldn't afford no worms.

Yep, yep...

It's gonna be a long day.

- hey, what's up?

- oh, my god, a talkin' squid!

- shh, shh, Don't scare him now.

Shiny, shiny. - come on.

- oooh... - eat it.

- precious.

- uh, hey, you guys Should hop in.

I mean, the water's great.

- look at that boy.

He's swimming around In the dag water, daddy.

I'm gonna get in the water.

- no, no, no, son!

- lemme get in that water, Daddy, come on!

- we can't survive In that water.

- no. You--you come from water.

We all do.

You know, in the beginning,

The big ocean filled With the amino acids

And electrically charged Isotopes

And the atoms Became cells,

The cells became organisms.

Only the strong survived.

- both: Only the strong survived!

- woo! We're number one!

America!

- it's just natural selection.

The change and the heritable Traits of a population.

Wow, he's really bleeding.

- get up! Tap out!

- oh...

- hell, yeah.

- hey, guys, I mean, You read this, right?

It's in books.

You know all this, ok?

Then there was the cataclysm.

The earth was ripped!

Waters receded and many Of our kind perished...

Except for one.

- that squid was me? - uh, no.

- it was me. - no.

- aw, damn.

So it was him?

- hell, yeah, it was me!

- congratitations, son. - I told you it was me.

- you got it. - I know it was me.

- look, it was Your great ancestor.

- oh.

- she was blessed With both gills and lungs.

She bought a wig, Dropped out of high school,

And spread her heritable traits To future generations

Through a series Of sordid encounters

With various creatures behind The thrift and sift.

- now, you're saying my Great-granny was

A skank ass hoe bag?

- hey, no, it's cool. I'm not judging.

It's--it's the law of nature.

Survival of the--

[gunshot]

- survival of the what?

That's what I thought.

Don't you never call me no queer In front of my boy.

- I--I don't think he called You queer, daddy.

- semantics!

[organ playing]

- rusty: now, he said Electronic impulses shot

Through them amino acids And protein strings,

Sparked mutations and all to Help better adapt our ancestry

To life above the water.

- now, that's just dumb.

- well, then, how did We get here?

- not by the hand of god!

- what's all this, now?

- well, son, you're A concoction of satan,

A red devil sent here to break My faith.

Deliver me!

Ha ha! [crash]

- russell, you just need to Learn from the good book.

- this one?

"How stella got Her groove back."

- no, no, no, son.

Those are the bad books! Burn 'em all!

- learn and burn! - burn!

- burn the authors!

Burn them all!

- ♪ yes, jesus loves me ♪

- ♪ yes, jesus Loves me ♪

♪ for the bible tells me so ♪

- hey, sheriff. - hey, rusty.

Listening to that new Stephen hawking book, are you?

- he ain't much for talking,

But he's got a beautiful Singing voice.

- yeah, well, the county Wanted me to update

The educational Materials, you know?

And I am the law.

- so it was only a theory That stella got her groove back?

- unless you can prove it.

- I'm so damned confused.

Hey, what do you believe, Sheriff?

- beliefs? Ha ha!

Oh, it ain't got nothing to do With beliefs, rusty.

I deal in facts.

You see, rusty, people are grown In fields like fisheries.

- oh, my god!

- now, rusty, god's not A factor here.

You see, the doogle county Sheriff's office

Is a front for serpents In the round.

It's a shadow government run By dan halen.

See, our scientists have Developed these man-stalks

Capable of growing a battalion

Of nicotine-addicted Super warriors

With marginal strength And hyper-sensitivity to pain.

- rusty, is that you? Ah!

- step in line, soldier!

You were meant to kill, Not drink.

- rusty, is that you?

- hey, rusty. - rusty...

- is that you? - hey, sheriff.

Hey, sheriff. Hey, all y'all sheriffs.

Hey, man. - uh-oh.

I might have said too much.

This could jeopardize The entire operation and...

You know what?

Here, put this in your ear, Would you?

- no, no, please! - it only hurts for a second.

- no, please, I won't tell anybody!

- really?

Oh, boy, that'd be so great.

You don't even know how much Trouble I'd be in

If this got out.

This is my last mind worm.

We'll see you, now.

We'll see you all later, now. - go on.

- we'll see you, now. - see you later.

- we'll see you later, Now, rusty.

- rusty, if you want to know How we got here,

You ought to ask a caveman.

They was the first people.

- and that's why the government Let them build the damn casinos.

They got dibs on the land.

- now they come around saying

That there wasn't even Fish-a-paws.

You know, fish with feet.

So how does the bible Reconcile that?

- rusty, stop pestering Illusionist david blaine.

Come here and look at this .

- oh.

So we did rise up Out of the mud.

- no! It means...

This here machine's Supposed to pay out double.

Sumbitch ate my quarter. I want a manager!

I'm gonna flip This sumbitch over!

Come on!

- [grunting]

- flip this sumbitch over And get my money!

- [grunting]

- all right, which one of you Sumbitches is the manager?

- hey, how'd you all make out At the casino?

Ha ha!

- shut that damn laughy trap.

Hell, next time, They gonna comp us.

- I ain't going back in there.

- they gonna fly us Out there, son.

Free breakfast? Hell, yeah, you're going.

- all right. It don't matter.

I can't find no answers Any which where.

- russell, darling, you need Only look inside yourself,

And I think you're gonna Like what you find.

- ain't nothing in there But organs and farts.

I have the answer, son.

We is going back in time!

- well, where we gonna get A time machine?

- alabama!

All right, boy, calibertize The time machine

For beginning of time.

[sizzling]

And now to unlock history's Mysteries!

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no!

Stop the time machine! Stop the time machine!

Stop the damn time machine!

Uncalibertize!

Uh...

- daddy, you're back!

Come on, tell me, What you learn, daddy?

- bleh!

That we got ripped off In alabama!

This sumbitch is a damn dud!

- well, it says right here,

Uh..."Gigantic delayed..."

Uh-oh.

- gigantic delayed what, son?

[rumbling]

Son?

[birds chirp]

- look at that mess!

- hold on, daddy! I'll get your brains back!

Hold on. - oh, almost had 'em.

- never mind the brains, son. Get my, uh...

- you want the hat? - no! My hat!

- oh, hey, jesus, While I got you here,

My boy over there is Wanting to know the truth

About creation and--

- let me ask you, early,

What do you think?

- dammit, my other hat!

Woo!

- ha ha! Look at that old boy over there.

He is fubar!