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[static]
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- ♪ my dreams are all
Dead and buried ♪
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♪ sometimes I wish the sun
Would just explode ♪
4
00:00:17,006 --> 00:00:21,028
♪ when god comes and calls me
To his kingdom ♪
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♪ I'll take all you
Sons of bitches when I go ♪
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♪ [yodeling] ♪
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- my turn.
- hell no.
8
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- hey, man, lemme drive
That thing!
9
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- do not touch the trim!
10
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- granny:
In the beginning,
11
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God created heaven and earth,
12
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And then he called--
13
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Wait!
He renamed the day to light
14
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And the night,
He called the dark.
15
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But the light was called day.
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- early:
Get with the story, woman.
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- then he took to making stuff,
18
00:01:01,027 --> 00:01:04,027
Like, he made trees...
19
00:01:04,029 --> 00:01:06,013
Birds...
20
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[birds chirp]
21
00:01:07,023 --> 00:01:08,028
Bears...
22
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[growling]
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Too many bears.
24
00:01:13,029 --> 00:01:17,005
Shoulda dialed back
On the bears.
25
00:01:17,007 --> 00:01:20,021
And so he dialed back
On the bears,
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And the bears...
27
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[continues indistinct]
28
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Were soaked in acid-washed denim
29
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And stately stones of--
30
00:01:30,005 --> 00:01:32,014
- just get to the damn
Good part.
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- finally the great creator
Clapped his mighty hands
32
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And said...
33
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- by christ of blood christ...
34
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- stuff and then he reached
35
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Into his magical hat
36
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And pulled out a squid
37
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Made
Of his own image.
38
00:01:51,005 --> 00:01:52,013
- and that squid was me?
39
00:01:52,015 --> 00:01:53,019
- yes, my child.
40
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- no.
41
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- no, my child.
Sorry.
42
00:01:56,014 --> 00:01:58,005
- it was me.
43
00:01:58,007 --> 00:02:00,009
Now, come on, tell him
What the lord done next.
44
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- well, then he reached down
Into the squid
45
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And pulled from him a rib.
46
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- two racks of ribs!
47
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Washed that son of a bitch down
48
00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,008
With a watermelon full
Of all-weather coolant.
49
00:02:10,010 --> 00:02:12,020
Then it was on!
50
00:02:12,022 --> 00:02:14,018
Took them homemade 'squitos
Out to lake hartwell.
51
00:02:14,020 --> 00:02:17,018
Lit that sumbitch up!
52
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I know, I know, glory days
And all, but it all happened.
53
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- wasn't that what you done
On labor day weekend?
54
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- yeah, that's what we talkin'
About, right?
55
00:02:23,025 --> 00:02:25,005
Kick-ass weekends?
56
00:02:25,007 --> 00:02:27,006
- mm-hmm, I tear it up
On the weekends.
57
00:02:27,008 --> 00:02:28,020
- no, you was tellin' me
About the bible,
58
00:02:28,022 --> 00:02:30,004
Where we come up from
And all that.
59
00:02:30,006 --> 00:02:31,024
- oh, right.
60
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:34,010
In the beginning, god created--
61
00:02:34,012 --> 00:02:36,000
- this is a bunch of damn mess.
62
00:02:36,002 --> 00:02:37,025
Come on, boy, it's time
For soccer practice.
63
00:02:44,029 --> 00:02:49,013
Now the europeans would call
This here football, but I don't.
64
00:02:49,015 --> 00:02:52,020
I call it bass fishing...
65
00:02:52,022 --> 00:02:54,006
'cause that's what it is.
66
00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:55,006
- hey, daddy, would you hook me
A worm?
67
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,020
- no.
68
00:02:56,022 --> 00:02:58,020
Couldn't afford no worms.
69
00:02:58,022 --> 00:03:01,005
Yep, yep...
70
00:03:01,007 --> 00:03:03,017
It's gonna be a long day.
71
00:03:03,019 --> 00:03:04,028
- hey, what's up?
72
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,024
- oh, my god, a talkin' squid!
73
00:03:06,026 --> 00:03:10,000
- shh, shh,
Don't scare him now.
74
00:03:10,002 --> 00:03:12,009
Shiny, shiny.
- come on.
75
00:03:12,011 --> 00:03:13,018
- oooh...
- eat it.
76
00:03:13,020 --> 00:03:15,002
- precious.
77
00:03:15,004 --> 00:03:16,026
- uh, hey, you guys
Should hop in.
78
00:03:16,028 --> 00:03:18,014
I mean, the water's great.
79
00:03:18,016 --> 00:03:20,001
- look at that boy.
80
00:03:20,003 --> 00:03:22,021
He's swimming around
In the dag water, daddy.
81
00:03:22,023 --> 00:03:24,002
I'm gonna get in the water.
82
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,027
- no, no, no, son!
83
00:03:25,029 --> 00:03:27,007
- lemme get in that water,
Daddy, come on!
84
00:03:27,009 --> 00:03:28,011
- we can't survive
In that water.
85
00:03:28,013 --> 00:03:29,020
- no.
You--you come from water.
86
00:03:29,022 --> 00:03:31,015
We all do.
87
00:03:31,017 --> 00:03:32,029
You know, in the beginning,
88
00:03:33,001 --> 00:03:34,029
The big ocean filled
With the amino acids
89
00:03:35,001 --> 00:03:37,001
And electrically charged
Isotopes
90
00:03:37,003 --> 00:03:39,022
And the atoms
Became cells,
91
00:03:39,024 --> 00:03:41,012
The cells became organisms.
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00:03:41,014 --> 00:03:43,006
Only the strong survived.
93
00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:47,001
- both:
Only the strong survived!
94
00:03:47,003 --> 00:03:48,028
- woo!
We're number one!
95
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,026
America!
96
00:03:50,028 --> 00:03:53,007
- it's just natural selection.
97
00:03:53,009 --> 00:03:55,017
The change and the heritable
Traits of a population.
98
00:03:55,019 --> 00:03:57,004
Wow, he's really bleeding.
99
00:03:57,006 --> 00:03:59,002
- get up!
Tap out!
100
00:03:59,004 --> 00:04:00,003
- oh...
101
00:04:00,005 --> 00:04:01,024
- hell, yeah.
102
00:04:01,026 --> 00:04:04,000
- hey, guys, I mean,
You read this, right?
103
00:04:04,002 --> 00:04:06,007
It's in books.
104
00:04:06,009 --> 00:04:08,012
You know all this, ok?
105
00:04:08,014 --> 00:04:09,015
Then there was the cataclysm.
106
00:04:09,017 --> 00:04:11,014
The earth was ripped!
107
00:04:11,016 --> 00:04:14,028
Waters receded and many
Of our kind perished...
108
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,017
Except for one.
109
00:04:18,019 --> 00:04:20,011
- that squid was me?
- uh, no.
110
00:04:20,013 --> 00:04:22,002
- it was me.
- no.
111
00:04:22,004 --> 00:04:23,006
- aw, damn.
112
00:04:23,008 --> 00:04:24,013
So it was him?
113
00:04:24,015 --> 00:04:26,003
- hell, yeah, it was me!
114
00:04:26,005 --> 00:04:27,028
- congratitations, son.
- I told you it was me.
115
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,012
- you got it.
- I know it was me.
116
00:04:29,014 --> 00:04:30,028
- look, it was
Your great ancestor.
117
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,026
- oh.
118
00:04:32,028 --> 00:04:35,017
- she was blessed
With both gills and lungs.
119
00:04:35,019 --> 00:04:38,005
She bought a wig,
Dropped out of high school,
120
00:04:38,007 --> 00:04:40,022
And spread her heritable traits
To future generations
121
00:04:40,024 --> 00:04:43,020
Through a series
Of sordid encounters
122
00:04:43,022 --> 00:04:47,026
With various creatures behind
The thrift and sift.
123
00:04:47,028 --> 00:04:49,006
- now, you're saying my
Great-granny was
124
00:04:49,008 --> 00:04:51,005
A skank ass hoe bag?
125
00:04:51,007 --> 00:04:53,016
- hey, no, it's cool.
I'm not judging.
126
00:04:53,018 --> 00:04:55,009
It's--it's the law of nature.
127
00:04:55,011 --> 00:04:55,028
Survival of the--
128
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,018
[gunshot]
129
00:04:57,020 --> 00:04:59,008
- survival of the what?
130
00:04:59,010 --> 00:05:01,013
That's what I thought.
131
00:05:01,015 --> 00:05:04,002
Don't you never call me no queer
In front of my boy.
132
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:07,026
- I--I don't think he called
You queer, daddy.
133
00:05:07,028 --> 00:05:09,010
- semantics!
134
00:05:09,012 --> 00:05:11,007
[organ playing]
135
00:05:11,009 --> 00:05:12,022
- rusty: now, he said
Electronic impulses shot
136
00:05:12,024 --> 00:05:15,004
Through them amino acids
And protein strings,
137
00:05:15,006 --> 00:05:17,018
Sparked mutations and all to
Help better adapt our ancestry
138
00:05:17,020 --> 00:05:19,020
To life above the water.
139
00:05:19,022 --> 00:05:21,025
- now, that's just dumb.
140
00:05:21,027 --> 00:05:23,015
- well, then, how did
We get here?
141
00:05:23,017 --> 00:05:25,019
- not by the hand of god!
142
00:05:25,021 --> 00:05:27,007
- what's all this, now?
143
00:05:27,009 --> 00:05:30,021
- well, son, you're
A concoction of satan,
144
00:05:30,023 --> 00:05:32,021
A red devil sent here to break
My faith.
145
00:05:32,023 --> 00:05:34,021
Deliver me!
146
00:05:34,023 --> 00:05:36,012
Ha ha!
[crash]
147
00:05:39,023 --> 00:05:44,010
- russell, you just need to
Learn from the good book.
148
00:05:44,012 --> 00:05:45,022
- this one?
149
00:05:45,024 --> 00:05:47,008
"How stella got
Her groove back."
150
00:05:47,010 --> 00:05:48,023
- no, no, no, son.
151
00:05:48,025 --> 00:05:50,027
Those are the bad books!
Burn 'em all!
152
00:05:50,029 --> 00:05:52,008
- learn and burn!
- burn!
153
00:05:52,010 --> 00:05:53,021
- burn the authors!
154
00:05:53,023 --> 00:05:55,018
Burn them all!
155
00:06:13,001 --> 00:06:15,027
- ♪ yes, jesus loves me ♪
156
00:06:15,029 --> 00:06:18,015
- ♪ yes, jesus
Loves me ♪
157
00:06:18,017 --> 00:06:21,019
♪ for the bible tells me so ♪
158
00:06:21,021 --> 00:06:24,003
- hey, sheriff.
- hey, rusty.
159
00:06:24,005 --> 00:06:25,022
Listening to that new
Stephen hawking book, are you?
160
00:06:25,024 --> 00:06:27,013
- he ain't much for talking,
161
00:06:27,015 --> 00:06:29,001
But he's got a beautiful
Singing voice.
162
00:06:29,003 --> 00:06:30,027
- yeah, well, the county
Wanted me to update
163
00:06:30,029 --> 00:06:33,000
The educational
Materials, you know?
164
00:06:33,002 --> 00:06:35,006
And I am the law.
165
00:06:35,008 --> 00:06:37,007
- so it was only a theory
That stella got her groove back?
166
00:06:37,009 --> 00:06:39,002
- unless you can prove it.
167
00:06:39,004 --> 00:06:40,026
- I'm so damned confused.
168
00:06:40,028 --> 00:06:42,004
Hey, what do you believe,
Sheriff?
169
00:06:42,006 --> 00:06:44,021
- beliefs?
Ha ha!
170
00:06:44,023 --> 00:06:46,013
Oh, it ain't got nothing to do
With beliefs, rusty.
171
00:06:46,015 --> 00:06:48,026
I deal in facts.
172
00:06:48,028 --> 00:06:51,013
You see, rusty, people are grown
In fields like fisheries.
173
00:06:51,015 --> 00:06:53,017
- oh, my god!
174
00:06:53,019 --> 00:06:56,017
- now, rusty, god's not
A factor here.
175
00:06:56,019 --> 00:06:58,029
You see, the doogle county
Sheriff's office
176
00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:02,010
Is a front for serpents
In the round.
177
00:07:02,012 --> 00:07:05,003
It's a shadow government run
By dan halen.
178
00:07:05,005 --> 00:07:07,012
See, our scientists have
Developed these man-stalks
179
00:07:07,014 --> 00:07:09,009
Capable of growing a battalion
180
00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:11,023
Of nicotine-addicted
Super warriors
181
00:07:11,025 --> 00:07:14,024
With marginal strength
And hyper-sensitivity to pain.
182
00:07:14,026 --> 00:07:16,018
- rusty, is that you?
Ah!
183
00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:17,024
- step in line, soldier!
184
00:07:17,026 --> 00:07:20,015
You were meant to kill,
Not drink.
185
00:07:20,017 --> 00:07:22,001
- rusty, is that you?
186
00:07:22,003 --> 00:07:23,016
- hey, rusty.
- rusty...
187
00:07:23,018 --> 00:07:25,007
- is that you?
- hey, sheriff.
188
00:07:25,009 --> 00:07:26,024
Hey, sheriff.
Hey, all y'all sheriffs.
189
00:07:26,026 --> 00:07:28,021
Hey, man.
- uh-oh.
190
00:07:28,023 --> 00:07:30,020
I might have said too much.
191
00:07:30,022 --> 00:07:32,020
This could jeopardize
The entire operation and...
192
00:07:32,022 --> 00:07:34,007
You know what?
193
00:07:34,009 --> 00:07:36,028
Here, put this in your ear,
Would you?
194
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,017
- no, no, please!
- it only hurts for a second.
195
00:07:38,019 --> 00:07:40,022
- no, please,
I won't tell anybody!
196
00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:42,013
- really?
197
00:07:42,015 --> 00:07:44,006
Oh, boy, that'd be so great.
198
00:07:44,008 --> 00:07:45,013
You don't even know how much
Trouble I'd be in
199
00:07:45,015 --> 00:07:47,014
If this got out.
200
00:07:47,016 --> 00:07:49,019
This is my last mind worm.
201
00:07:49,021 --> 00:07:51,009
We'll see you, now.
202
00:07:51,011 --> 00:07:52,023
We'll see you all later, now.
- go on.
203
00:07:52,025 --> 00:07:54,004
- we'll see you, now.
- see you later.
204
00:07:54,006 --> 00:07:56,018
- we'll see you later,
Now, rusty.
205
00:07:56,020 --> 00:07:58,017
- rusty, if you want to know
How we got here,
206
00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:01,009
You ought to ask a caveman.
207
00:08:01,011 --> 00:08:03,028
They was the first people.
208
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,029
- and that's why the government
Let them build the damn casinos.
209
00:08:06,001 --> 00:08:08,021
They got dibs on the land.
210
00:08:08,023 --> 00:08:10,002
- now they come around saying
211
00:08:10,004 --> 00:08:11,025
That there wasn't even
Fish-a-paws.
212
00:08:11,027 --> 00:08:13,008
You know, fish with feet.
213
00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:15,004
So how does the bible
Reconcile that?
214
00:08:15,006 --> 00:08:17,001
- rusty, stop pestering
Illusionist david blaine.
215
00:08:17,003 --> 00:08:18,003
Come here and look at this .
216
00:08:18,005 --> 00:08:19,020
- oh.
217
00:08:19,022 --> 00:08:21,005
So we did rise up
Out of the mud.
218
00:08:21,007 --> 00:08:23,003
- no! It means...
219
00:08:23,005 --> 00:08:24,022
This here machine's
Supposed to pay out double.
220
00:08:24,024 --> 00:08:26,023
Sumbitch ate my quarter.
I want a manager!
221
00:08:26,025 --> 00:08:28,000
I'm gonna flip
This sumbitch over!
222
00:08:28,002 --> 00:08:28,026
Come on!
223
00:08:28,028 --> 00:08:31,015
- [grunting]
224
00:08:31,017 --> 00:08:33,005
- flip this sumbitch over
And get my money!
225
00:08:33,007 --> 00:08:34,008
- [grunting]
226
00:08:38,006 --> 00:08:40,025
- all right, which one of you
Sumbitches is the manager?
227
00:08:40,027 --> 00:08:43,020
- hey, how'd you all make out
At the casino?
228
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:45,007
Ha ha!
229
00:08:45,009 --> 00:08:46,022
- shut that damn laughy trap.
230
00:08:46,024 --> 00:08:48,001
Hell, next time,
They gonna comp us.
231
00:08:48,003 --> 00:08:49,010
- I ain't going back in there.
232
00:08:49,012 --> 00:08:50,024
- they gonna fly us
Out there, son.
233
00:08:50,026 --> 00:08:52,015
Free breakfast?
Hell, yeah, you're going.
234
00:08:52,017 --> 00:08:54,018
- all right.
It don't matter.
235
00:08:54,020 --> 00:08:57,001
I can't find no answers
Any which where.
236
00:08:57,003 --> 00:09:02,028
- russell, darling, you need
Only look inside yourself,
237
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,014
And I think you're gonna
Like what you find.
238
00:09:05,016 --> 00:09:07,014
- ain't nothing in there
But organs and farts.
239
00:09:07,016 --> 00:09:09,008
I have the answer, son.
240
00:09:09,010 --> 00:09:11,012
We is going back in time!
241
00:09:11,014 --> 00:09:12,015
- well, where we gonna get
A time machine?
242
00:09:12,017 --> 00:09:14,026
- alabama!
243
00:09:14,028 --> 00:09:17,020
All right, boy, calibertize
The time machine
244
00:09:17,022 --> 00:09:19,024
For beginning of time.
245
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:21,021
[sizzling]
246
00:09:21,023 --> 00:09:24,027
And now to unlock history's
Mysteries!
247
00:09:24,029 --> 00:09:26,007
Oh, no.
248
00:09:26,009 --> 00:09:28,007
No, no, no, no!
249
00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:29,021
Stop the time machine!
Stop the time machine!
250
00:09:29,023 --> 00:09:30,027
Stop the damn time machine!
251
00:09:30,029 --> 00:09:31,028
Uncalibertize!
252
00:09:34,016 --> 00:09:36,017
Uh...
253
00:09:36,019 --> 00:09:38,003
- daddy, you're back!
254
00:09:38,005 --> 00:09:39,002
Come on, tell me,
What you learn, daddy?
255
00:09:39,004 --> 00:09:40,022
- bleh!
256
00:09:40,024 --> 00:09:43,014
That we got ripped off
In alabama!
257
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,018
This sumbitch is a damn dud!
258
00:09:45,020 --> 00:09:46,027
- well, it says right here,
259
00:09:46,029 --> 00:09:48,006
Uh..."Gigantic delayed..."
260
00:09:48,008 --> 00:09:49,015
Uh-oh.
261
00:09:49,017 --> 00:09:51,011
- gigantic delayed what, son?
262
00:09:51,013 --> 00:09:52,010
[rumbling]
263
00:09:52,012 --> 00:09:54,005
Son?
264
00:09:56,016 --> 00:10:00,007
[birds chirp]
265
00:10:00,009 --> 00:10:02,002
- look at that mess!
266
00:10:02,004 --> 00:10:03,009
- hold on, daddy!
I'll get your brains back!
267
00:10:03,011 --> 00:10:05,023
Hold on.
- oh, almost had 'em.
268
00:10:05,025 --> 00:10:08,020
- never mind the brains, son.
Get my, uh...
269
00:10:08,022 --> 00:10:11,002
- you want the hat?
- no! My hat!
270
00:10:11,004 --> 00:10:12,028
- oh, hey, jesus,
While I got you here,
271
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,013
My boy over there is
Wanting to know the truth
272
00:10:14,015 --> 00:10:15,025
About creation and--
273
00:10:15,027 --> 00:10:17,010
- let me ask you, early,
274
00:10:17,012 --> 00:10:20,006
What do you think?
275
00:10:20,008 --> 00:10:23,004
- dammit, my other hat!
276
00:10:27,009 --> 00:10:28,015
Woo!
277
00:10:31,002 --> 00:10:32,022
- ha ha!
Look at that old boy over there.
278
00:10:32,024 --> 00:10:35,001
He is fubar!
19245
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