Original subtitles

[static]

[country music plays]

- ♪ my oldest son was born An albino ♪

♪ my youngest Was covered in hair ♪

♪ the middle one says He's a homosexual ♪

♪ the other 7 are gone I don't know where ♪

♪ and I don't care

♪ I just don't care

- my turn! - hell, no!

- hey, man, let me Drive that thing! Come on!

- do not touch the trim!

- [laughter]

- "G" is silent. [laughs]

- he's gonna do it. He's gonna do it.

- [laughter]

- plumber bubba. You ever hear his tape?

- uh, daddy, that's this tape.

- shut up, now, boy. I'm tryin' to hear my tape.

[click]

- tape's over. - flip it again.

- hell, yeah! We gonna flip it again.

- ain't you gonna see the same Dumbass jokes live tonight?

- tonight? Plumber bubba? Is he in town tonight?

- he's going to blow the roof Off the first baptist.

- do it to it, baby. Whoo!

- hey, daddy, can I go? Daddy, I wanna go. Can I go?

- I don't know, son.

- this here is mature material.

- ooh, he skewered the french.

- oh, daddy, come on, now. I can handle it.

- hmm...All right, then. You coming.

- hell, yeah! Whoo!

- here's granny's ticket. - no!

- my decision is final.

Unless y'all want to fistificuff For my amusement.

- y'all don't want none o' this, Let me tell you, granny.

- ohh.

I guess I'll just listen To the tape again.

- the tape comes with me. - ohh.

- early.

Early?

Early.

Early?

Uhh! Aah!

Uhh. Uhh.

Early, early.

- sheriff.

You all right?

- couldn't be better.

- well, you all duct-taped To a chair and all that.

- this is my ejector seat. I had a little plane crash,

But ain't no biggie, you know.

We'll see you later.

- get his billfold. - all right, then.

- no, no, no, stop. It's contagious.

- it is?

What is? - plane crashes.

See you later, now.

- hey, how come your lips Ain't jibber-wiggling

When the sound came out?

- oh, I had botox this morning. See you later, now.

- but what about that Rope around your neck?

- new tie. You like it? - yeah, but--

- don't be a stranger, now. See ya.

- come on, rusty. Plane crashes is intagious.

- hey, wait a minute.

Are y'all going to that Plumber bubba show tonight?

- well, hell, yeah. We gonna do it to it.

- do it to it.

[laughs]

Boy, I'll tell you.

I love his observations About things

That don't really Happen down here.

[chuckles]

Y'all do it to it, now.

- are you sure you don't Need no help?

- no, no.

I'm just going to sit here And rest a spell.

Maybe beat my own brains out With a hammer.

Because I cannot behave, Can I?

You're gonna pay for this Tonight, by god.

- [laughter] - whoo, howdy.

So, anyways, I tell My hummerzine pilot

To drive me over yonder down To my vineyard in nantucket

For my new Zeppelin launch,

And he come back at me going,

"A-dicka-dicka-globba- Gobba-ding-dong."

I says, "Where are you From, boy?"

He said, "Dubai."

Dubai? Huh.

Well, then, do-buy yourself A plane ticket back there,

You towel-totin' camel-kicker.

- [laughter]

- I later come to learn that Dicka-globba-ding-dong

Was over here just gettin' away

From the oppression Of his homeland.

So I turned to him, I says, "You're free now, my friend.

Free to get that cow pie off the Bottom of my wrestlin' boots.

Grab yourself a popsicle stick. Scrape it out.

You on the clock. - [laughter]

- I liked to wanna shove My cloven,

Reptilian hook-foot Up his biphibious anal pore.

Whoo!

[microphone feedback]

Y'all hear me out there?

We have a sound issue. Is this on?

- damn it. He's bombing.

- reptilian hook-foot?

- hell, that ain't funny.

- that ain't funny.

- drop the vise grips, jackass.

Yeah. I got in.

Vise grips.

- vise grips! Vise grips! Vise grips!

Vise grips! Vise grips!

Vise grips! Vise... - uh-oh.

What have we here?

Uh--oh--almost--what--oh!

I think I just dropped My vise grip.

- [laughter]

- looks like you've got A crack in your rear manifold.

- do it to it.

- ...Replace the assket.

Ass gas.

Pass gas.

Y'all get it?

See my butthole?

- [laughs] Now he's got us back.

Hell, yeah. - y'all do it to it!

- woohoo! Yeah! He done it to it tonight!

- that was the bomb!

- hey, can I get me A country mind helmet?

- hell, no. - well, they free.

- do it to it! Whoo!

- what does it do?

- it, uh...

Uh...It do it to it.

- all right. Do it.

- [vibrating] Oh, it feels good.

Yeah. Turn it up.

Uh...That's good.

Right there. Right there.

Mm-hmm.

Now you-- Punch me in the face.

- uhh! - right there.

Yeah. There you go.

I... Feel... Alive!

- rusty: oh, my god!

- damn.

That was fun!

Hey, granny, put this here Hat on.

- this here is going to be A twisted checkerboard

Flying into a black hole On the talons of an eagle.

- imbecile! Graphics go On the outside of the ship.

- who's steering?

- who? Who's doing what now?

- now you--

Punch me in the face.

[crash]

Whoo! It's the rapture!

Go get my jesus wig.

- daddy, look!

- hot damn almighty, It's plumber bubba.

- no, no, no. Behind him.

That big ol' spaceship.

- damn, it's plumber bubba!

We seen him at the first baptist

Just the other night tonight.

- oh, that ain't jesus.

Fake me out.

- uhh. Ooh.

Do it to it.

Uhh. Oh, god.

- oh, my god! A space foreigner!

- has taken over Plumber bubba's body!

Let's beat it out of him For america.

- no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I-I-I'm the one Known as plumber bubba.

I-I-I mean, do it to it. See?

- oh, so you plumber bubba, Is that right?

Then fix this here Sunbitchin' hot tub.

Go on.

- well, this--this here's

A bathtub on top of a stove.

- he's right, daddy.

- we ain't got no plumbin' In here.

Hell, a real plumber Would know that!

- well, you didn't Give me a chance to say--

- and I won't.

You ain't no damn plumber,

And I'm starting To doubt you a bubbery.

So who the hell are you, anyhow?

- I am plumer bubah

From the planet ala bama.

I've traveled many parsecs to Your orb

Only to tell a few jokes

And harvest intello-secretions From the brainminds

Of my hyper-intelligent Fans.

- you mean like aunt lil?

- her and many geniuses Like her.

For even as we speak,

Her massive brainpower Is being harnessed

To create an unspeakable weapon.

- like a big old 30 ought 6 Pointed at us

From, like, a space moon Or somethin'?

- it will eliminate All creatures,

Matter, and time,

Leaving only Memorial day weekend.

- that is really Horrible as hell.

Hey, say that joke.

Come on. Do it to it.

Do it for my voicemail.

- if you wantin' to destroy us,

Then why you tellin' us All this?

- because, son, I have grown To admire your culture

Through mocking it.

I long to inhale your mint Juleps and sweet teas

Through my absorption tube-gill,

Kick my reptilian hook-feet Up on the porch swing,

And witness the setting Of your single sun.

- look here, you might be A carpetbagger

Space yankee sumbitch What come down here

From up north of space To take our brain juice,

But you with us now, ok?

- but them elders, they-- They gonna look for me, man.

- now, they best bring Themselves a sack lunch

If they gonna tangle with the Cuyler boys, now, right, daddy?

- a country boy Can survive. Whoo!

- whoo! A country boy Can survive.

- d-doo...[gasp]

- he ain't gonna live, is he?

- who? Oh, him? Hell, no.

- must have space fluids.

Red, circle lookin' thing.

- hey, granny. Have you seen This old boy's space fluids?

- plumer bubah, You are in violation.

- get...Off...My...Land. Huh.

- plumer... - shh. Hold on.

He ain't finished yet.

- you tested me...

And I'm about to pass...

When I whoop... That ass.

- [both talking at once]

- ...I told him.

- plumer bubah, We need more brains.

We have you booked At the bo-at show

In chat-ah!-noo-ga.

- go on.

Absorb the space fluids.

You crave them.

They will quench the hurt Within your soul.

Come back to the fold.

Do it to it.

- hey! Back the hell off!

This boy's southern now.

He don't need your juices.

I need 'em.

Come on, man. I'll pay you.

I'm jonesin' hard!

I got the itch.

- fine, south-ern man.

You have doone it--

D-done it for the last time.

Vaporize them.

- [laughter]

- hold it. Hold on, now. Hold on.

- go ahead. Say it.

One more time before we die.

Do it to it. Come on.

- do... It... To...

- now, that is disappointing.

- go on. Press the thing.

- I did-- It's not working.

- slap the pig's ass!

- mm. Nothing.

- damn it, I told you.

Japan, india, That's where the brains are,

And you kept saying how you Just loved the south

And how good the food is

And the asinine folk art.

- you said you liked my piece.

- it's a backward "R" Painted on a frying pan.

- maybe we should've Made the chicken and dumpling

Toby keith gravy grit Half truck ton--

Oh, that sounds stupid As I say it.

- all right. Will this thing Pop a wheelie?

- we gonna find out. Smack that pig.

[tires screech]

It do not.