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[static]
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- ♪ you run off
And took her only chicken ♪
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♪ when I broke jail
The house was burnt and bare ♪
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♪ the japs moved the plant
Back to osaki ♪
5
00:00:21,026 --> 00:00:24,027
♪ some days life just don't
Seem that fair ♪
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♪ I don't even care
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♪ I'm telling you,
I just don't ♪
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- my turn!
- hell, no.
9
00:00:30,009 --> 00:00:31,023
- hey, man, let me drive
That thing! Come on!
10
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- do not touch the trim!
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- [gasp]
Oh, my god!
12
00:00:53,018 --> 00:00:55,003
Don't you look precious.
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- trick or treat.
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- here's your candy,
Little girl.
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Now what do you say?
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- I say put all your
Electronicals in this here bag!
17
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,010
I need a blow-dryer
And a curling iron and--
18
00:01:03,012 --> 00:01:04,018
- all right. All right.
Good.
19
00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:06,023
Not great, but good.
20
00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:09,014
Granted, this here was
A stimulation,
21
00:01:09,016 --> 00:01:10,029
But in the event of
A real trick-or-treatery,
22
00:01:11,001 --> 00:01:13,019
You're gonna need this.
23
00:01:13,021 --> 00:01:15,018
- oh, some magic fairy dust?
24
00:01:15,020 --> 00:01:17,023
Ow! My eyes!
- unmagical chili powder,
25
00:01:17,025 --> 00:01:19,009
And it's got to be right,
Uh, in the orbitals
26
00:01:19,011 --> 00:01:21,015
So they can't
Identitize you.
27
00:01:21,017 --> 00:01:23,017
- hey, why don't we just break
In when they ain't home?
28
00:01:23,019 --> 00:01:25,010
- son, it ain't
The destination.
29
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It's the journey.
30
00:01:27,005 --> 00:01:28,017
Now come on.
31
00:01:28,019 --> 00:01:30,000
Let's go get us
A damn bread-maker.
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00:01:30,002 --> 00:01:31,008
Whoo!
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- lo and beware.
34
00:01:34,003 --> 00:01:36,027
The monster thirsts for blood
35
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In the shadows of the mountain.
36
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- leaky mouth woman!
37
00:01:41,003 --> 00:01:42,017
Get on back inside the house
And take your
38
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:46,014
I'm-so-old-I'm-gonna-damn-die
Pills.
39
00:01:46,016 --> 00:01:49,012
- every hallow's eve he lurks.
40
00:01:49,014 --> 00:01:54,002
And he waits.
41
00:01:54,004 --> 00:01:55,023
And...
42
00:01:55,025 --> 00:01:58,028
He lurks.
43
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,009
And he waits.
44
00:02:00,011 --> 00:02:02,000
- what?
45
00:02:02,002 --> 00:02:04,004
- he, uh, does stand about
Quite a bit.
46
00:02:04,006 --> 00:02:08,001
- and he lets time pass quietly
47
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:11,029
While anticipating future
Goings-on.
48
00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:14,006
Hellish jay, they call him.
49
00:02:14,008 --> 00:02:17,000
Hellish jay from elijay.
50
00:02:17,002 --> 00:02:18,008
- there's a monster up here,
Daddy?
51
00:02:18,010 --> 00:02:19,005
Out in the woods?
52
00:02:19,007 --> 00:02:21,003
- yes, in the woods.
53
00:02:21,005 --> 00:02:22,013
Now come on.
Let's go out in the woods.
54
00:02:22,015 --> 00:02:23,013
- whoa, hold on a second.
55
00:02:23,015 --> 00:02:24,022
What's he look like?
56
00:02:24,024 --> 00:02:27,028
- about yea high.
57
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,003
No hair...
58
00:02:30,005 --> 00:02:32,024
Or skin.
59
00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:35,024
And a devilishly tight ass.
60
00:02:35,026 --> 00:02:37,010
- huh?
- he got a 'lectronic ass.
61
00:02:37,012 --> 00:02:38,018
- yeah.
62
00:02:38,020 --> 00:02:40,003
- and a long, straw-like,
63
00:02:40,005 --> 00:02:41,029
Uh...
64
00:02:42,001 --> 00:02:44,022
Um...
65
00:02:44,024 --> 00:02:46,016
Damn.
66
00:02:46,018 --> 00:02:48,006
All right, look.
You ever seen
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00:02:48,008 --> 00:02:49,028
One of them
Insulation blowing-hose pipes?
68
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:51,017
- nuh-uh.
69
00:02:51,019 --> 00:02:53,001
- blows the damn insulation
Into you?
70
00:02:53,003 --> 00:02:54,018
- he blows insulation into you?
71
00:02:54,020 --> 00:02:56,021
- he does? God almighty!
- oh, my god!
72
00:02:56,023 --> 00:02:59,011
- no, no, no.
It's a blood pipe.
73
00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:00,019
- oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right.
74
00:03:00,021 --> 00:03:02,004
- that's better, then.
75
00:03:02,006 --> 00:03:03,015
- he sucks your blood with it.
76
00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:06,015
[scream]
77
00:03:06,017 --> 00:03:08,017
- what was that?
78
00:03:08,019 --> 00:03:10,006
- that's just my sound effects
Record.
79
00:03:10,008 --> 00:03:11,019
[boing]
80
00:03:11,021 --> 00:03:14,008
He's afraid of sound effects.
81
00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:15,026
[burp]
82
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,009
They say.
83
00:03:17,011 --> 00:03:21,003
[firework]
84
00:03:21,005 --> 00:03:26,006
Years ago, one year ago,
85
00:03:26,008 --> 00:03:28,013
He was stung on this mountain
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00:03:28,015 --> 00:03:32,022
By thousands of fire ants.
87
00:03:32,024 --> 00:03:38,012
And some say he turned
Into a fire ant himself.
88
00:03:38,014 --> 00:03:41,024
But every halloween,
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00:03:41,026 --> 00:03:44,022
Most likely starting from
Next halloween,
90
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:49,013
He come up here looking for
His lost cell phone.
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00:03:49,015 --> 00:03:51,014
- time out. Wait a minute.
92
00:03:51,016 --> 00:03:53,014
Hello.
93
00:03:53,016 --> 00:03:55,008
I done told you
A numertous times
94
00:03:55,010 --> 00:03:57,010
There ain't no jay here.
95
00:03:57,012 --> 00:03:59,025
- aah!
- that's--that's him!
96
00:03:59,027 --> 00:04:00,025
Hellish jay!
97
00:04:00,027 --> 00:04:02,018
- aah!
98
00:04:02,020 --> 00:04:04,027
- daddy, give him his phone!
- hell, no!
99
00:04:04,029 --> 00:04:06,014
I got 250 prepaid minutes
On this son of a bitch.
100
00:04:06,016 --> 00:04:07,023
It's mine!
101
00:04:07,025 --> 00:04:09,029
- aah!
- we're all gonna die!
102
00:04:10,001 --> 00:04:11,022
- everyone get in the fire!
It's the only way!
103
00:04:11,024 --> 00:04:14,011
- fire, dad! Come on!
104
00:04:14,013 --> 00:04:16,014
- wait a minute.
- what--wait.
105
00:04:16,016 --> 00:04:18,010
- this is stupid.
Get out of the fire!
106
00:04:18,012 --> 00:04:20,016
Everyone out of the fire!
I'm on fire!
107
00:04:20,018 --> 00:04:21,022
- get out of here, monster!
Get out of here!
108
00:04:21,024 --> 00:04:23,002
- relax, son.
109
00:04:23,004 --> 00:04:25,023
Hell, I baited the damn
Perimeter.
110
00:04:25,025 --> 00:04:27,023
- [sniffing]
111
00:04:27,025 --> 00:04:30,000
- you didn't use all my date
Rape drug, did you?
112
00:04:30,002 --> 00:04:32,016
- I didn't see your name on it.
113
00:04:32,018 --> 00:04:34,014
- boy, I told you about dipping
Into my date rape--
114
00:04:34,016 --> 00:04:35,020
- hold your thought.
115
00:04:35,022 --> 00:04:36,020
Talk to me.
116
00:04:36,022 --> 00:04:37,026
- [muffled voice]
117
00:04:37,028 --> 00:04:39,003
- you gonna eat who?
118
00:04:39,005 --> 00:04:41,009
- aah!
- who the hell is this?
119
00:04:41,011 --> 00:04:43,020
- aah!
- what?
120
00:04:43,022 --> 00:04:46,001
- he must have bought
Another phone.
121
00:04:46,003 --> 00:04:47,023
- hey, what the hell you need
Two cellar phones for?
122
00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:49,007
- hmm?
123
00:04:49,009 --> 00:04:50,019
- that's right. You don't.
124
00:04:50,021 --> 00:04:52,014
- daddy, don't get him
All excited.
125
00:04:52,016 --> 00:04:54,000
- now go on! Run off like
The sissy bitch that you is.
126
00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:56,006
- don't rile him up.
127
00:04:56,008 --> 00:04:57,023
- maybe you'll trip on a root
And drop that damn phone, too.
128
00:04:57,025 --> 00:04:58,027
Then we get us another one.
129
00:04:58,029 --> 00:05:00,016
Yeah.
Start us a family plan.
130
00:05:00,018 --> 00:05:03,010
- aah!
131
00:05:03,012 --> 00:05:05,018
- hell, yeah, I said it.
Bring it on, ding dong.
132
00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:07,023
- daddy, you ain't gotta
Do that, now.
133
00:05:07,025 --> 00:05:08,025
- show me them teeth,
You son of a bitch!
134
00:05:08,027 --> 00:05:10,026
- aah!
135
00:05:10,028 --> 00:05:12,012
- now, how do I go about
136
00:05:12,014 --> 00:05:15,013
Sending you a picture of you
All pissed off?
137
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,028
[cell phone playing music]
138
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,026
Damn, this thing's
Got tet-ris.
139
00:05:18,028 --> 00:05:20,019
- aah!
140
00:05:20,021 --> 00:05:22,023
- where have I heard that
Before?
141
00:05:22,025 --> 00:05:23,027
Oh, yeah.
142
00:05:23,029 --> 00:05:25,013
From you!
143
00:05:25,015 --> 00:05:27,005
- sheriff, he's getting closer.
144
00:05:27,007 --> 00:05:29,018
- well, that's just what
He does, rusty.
145
00:05:29,020 --> 00:05:33,015
He just gets close to you,
But he's just playing games.
146
00:05:33,017 --> 00:05:35,014
Just messing around
With your emotions,
147
00:05:35,016 --> 00:05:37,017
And the next thing you know,
148
00:05:37,019 --> 00:05:40,019
You're just overwhelmed by
All this attention.
149
00:05:40,021 --> 00:05:42,010
'cause he's already telling you
150
00:05:42,012 --> 00:05:44,020
That you're the only one on
The face of the earth
151
00:05:44,022 --> 00:05:46,001
That he cares for.
152
00:05:46,003 --> 00:05:47,027
No one else matters.
153
00:05:47,029 --> 00:05:51,027
You think, "Hey, I could go for
This, all the damn way."
154
00:05:51,029 --> 00:05:54,005
And then you plan a trip
To costa rica together,
155
00:05:54,007 --> 00:05:56,006
And then 3 days later, you
Hadn't heard from him,
156
00:05:56,008 --> 00:05:57,016
Except you find out
He's got a refund
157
00:05:57,018 --> 00:05:59,027
On the tickets, and then...
158
00:05:59,029 --> 00:06:03,003
This!
159
00:06:03,005 --> 00:06:04,021
I mean, uh...
160
00:06:04,023 --> 00:06:06,011
Well, that's the legend, anyway.
161
00:06:06,013 --> 00:06:08,007
- d-does that mean he's a jew?
162
00:06:08,009 --> 00:06:09,021
- no, early.
It don't mean that at all.
163
00:06:09,023 --> 00:06:11,012
- [roaring]
164
00:06:11,014 --> 00:06:13,009
- sheriff, look out behind you!
- whatever.
165
00:06:13,011 --> 00:06:15,023
- [roaring]
- let's go over here.
166
00:06:15,025 --> 00:06:18,018
- well, damn, it looks just
Like the other one.
167
00:06:18,020 --> 00:06:19,026
- well, they both want
Your blood, rusty.
168
00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:21,010
- aah!
169
00:06:21,012 --> 00:06:22,019
- but this one over here--
170
00:06:22,021 --> 00:06:24,010
Well, he's actually cool
About it.
171
00:06:24,012 --> 00:06:26,003
- what up, dog?
172
00:06:26,005 --> 00:06:28,021
- well, skuyler,
You dang rascal.
173
00:06:28,023 --> 00:06:30,020
- there's that chick over there.
She's totally scoping me, man.
174
00:06:30,022 --> 00:06:32,003
- how you doing, boy?
175
00:06:32,005 --> 00:06:33,012
- I'd be doing a lot better
176
00:06:33,014 --> 00:06:35,008
If I sucked down some
Blood shooters.
177
00:06:35,010 --> 00:06:36,014
Body shots? Body shots?
178
00:06:36,016 --> 00:06:38,001
- I'll do a body shot!
179
00:06:38,003 --> 00:06:39,012
- way to nut up, bloodsack.
Let's do this.
180
00:06:39,014 --> 00:06:41,004
- you don't want that, rusty.
181
00:06:41,006 --> 00:06:43,006
He'll suck your intestines out
Through your navel.
182
00:06:43,008 --> 00:06:45,010
- whoa, dudes, take the knife
Out of my back.
183
00:06:45,012 --> 00:06:46,015
You know I don't roll like that.
184
00:06:46,017 --> 00:06:48,021
- aah!
185
00:06:48,023 --> 00:06:50,020
- let's kind of scoot over
To this side.
186
00:06:50,022 --> 00:06:52,018
- hell if I'm gonna retreat
For no damn monster!
187
00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:54,011
- early.
- hell, I say kill 'em both!
188
00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:56,017
Let god almighty sort it out!
Whoo!
189
00:06:56,019 --> 00:06:57,017
- no!
- yeah!
190
00:06:57,019 --> 00:06:59,000
- he's got a kind heart!
191
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,006
- whoo! You son of a bitch!
192
00:07:00,008 --> 00:07:01,020
Die!
193
00:07:01,022 --> 00:07:03,009
- early, no.
They're immortal.
194
00:07:03,011 --> 00:07:04,013
- you ain't got to do that now.
195
00:07:04,015 --> 00:07:07,023
- they can't be killed.
196
00:07:07,025 --> 00:07:09,018
Oh.
Well, I guess I was...
197
00:07:09,020 --> 00:07:12,028
They can be killed.
198
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,019
- yeah, that was kind of easy.
199
00:07:14,021 --> 00:07:16,006
Like that time I beat up
That baby.
200
00:07:16,008 --> 00:07:17,025
- wait a minute.
201
00:07:17,027 --> 00:07:19,016
- oh, great.
202
00:07:19,018 --> 00:07:21,026
Now we're dealing with damn
Monster ghosts.
203
00:07:21,028 --> 00:07:24,008
- about to be of the dead
Variety.
204
00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:26,012
- aah!
205
00:07:26,014 --> 00:07:28,009
- you better get your ass back
On back to monsterville.
206
00:07:32,028 --> 00:07:34,013
Damn it.
207
00:07:34,015 --> 00:07:36,005
- I ain't dressed for this.
208
00:07:36,007 --> 00:07:38,010
They won't hurt babies.
209
00:07:38,012 --> 00:07:40,021
- aah!
210
00:07:40,023 --> 00:07:42,027
- mmm! They hate babies!
211
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:45,012
Quick!
Nobody dress like a baby!
212
00:07:45,014 --> 00:07:47,021
- damn!
Look at those guns.
213
00:07:47,023 --> 00:07:49,022
My god, your forearms are
Massive!
214
00:07:49,024 --> 00:07:52,001
Come on, baby.
215
00:07:52,003 --> 00:07:54,001
I wasn't trying to come on
To you or nothing.
216
00:07:54,003 --> 00:07:56,015
We're just talking about,
You know...
217
00:07:56,017 --> 00:08:02,014
[moaning]
218
00:08:02,016 --> 00:08:05,014
- and we just wait for one of
Them to start sucking our blood?
219
00:08:05,016 --> 00:08:06,025
- I think they busy, son.
220
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,008
- ooh, that's hot.
221
00:08:08,010 --> 00:08:10,021
- I can't wait
For when he dumps you,
222
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:14,027
And you're back here on earth
With all the rest of us!
223
00:08:14,029 --> 00:08:16,020
- yeah. Come on, sheriff.
You don't need to see this.
224
00:08:16,022 --> 00:08:18,008
- god, I hate him!
- come here.
225
00:08:18,010 --> 00:08:20,008
Let me hold you.
226
00:08:20,010 --> 00:08:22,024
- uh...
You're a good friend, early.
227
00:08:22,026 --> 00:08:24,008
- are you jacking my ass
Around?
228
00:08:24,010 --> 00:08:25,026
- early?
229
00:08:25,028 --> 00:08:27,017
- hell, I would never say that.
230
00:08:27,019 --> 00:08:28,025
- oh, lord.
231
00:08:28,027 --> 00:08:31,024
- [roaring]
232
00:08:31,026 --> 00:08:34,023
- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...
233
00:08:34,025 --> 00:08:36,027
- oh, I know this guy.
234
00:08:36,029 --> 00:08:41,005
He's the, uh, counter
Of the mounter...Tain.
235
00:08:41,007 --> 00:08:44,028
- wow.
That's a real good name.
236
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,003
- now, years back on halloween
At midnight,
237
00:08:48,005 --> 00:08:51,020
His whole family came up
To this hilltop right here.
238
00:08:51,022 --> 00:08:55,011
Dark and windy.
239
00:08:55,013 --> 00:08:59,003
And they all choked to death...
240
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:01,007
On a calculator.
241
00:09:01,009 --> 00:09:02,029
- calculator?
242
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:05,005
- was it a evil calculator?
243
00:09:05,007 --> 00:09:07,013
- well, why else would it eat
His whole family?
244
00:09:07,015 --> 00:09:10,005
- well, it choked them
To death, actually.
245
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:13,007
- so the whole family choked
On one calculator?
246
00:09:13,009 --> 00:09:15,015
- I'm just telling you.
- his whole family?
247
00:09:15,017 --> 00:09:17,013
- what do you mean, like,
A living calculator
Or something?
248
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,001
- I guess it'd have to be
For a whole family
249
00:09:19,003 --> 00:09:22,020
To choke
On one calculator.
250
00:09:22,022 --> 00:09:23,026
- look, I didn't write it.
251
00:09:23,028 --> 00:09:27,005
Anyway, every halloween eve,
252
00:09:27,007 --> 00:09:29,005
If you hear counting
In the woods,
253
00:09:29,007 --> 00:09:31,017
You know that he's extending
254
00:09:31,019 --> 00:09:36,000
And retracting his claws
Exactly 36 times.
255
00:09:36,002 --> 00:09:37,029
- 37.
That's what comes next.
256
00:09:38,001 --> 00:09:39,028
Oh, no, no, no!
257
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,018
- before he feels totally
Comfortable
258
00:09:41,020 --> 00:09:43,017
To claim another
Victim.
259
00:09:43,019 --> 00:09:45,024
- why 36?
260
00:09:45,026 --> 00:09:48,004
- otherwise, he just feels like
His day won't go right.
261
00:09:48,006 --> 00:09:49,013
- you ain't saying he's a jew.
262
00:09:49,015 --> 00:09:51,003
- no, he's not a damn
Jew, early.
263
00:09:51,005 --> 00:09:52,004
- don't you judge me, now.
264
00:09:52,006 --> 00:09:54,000
- [roaring]
265
00:09:54,002 --> 00:09:55,015
- I don't want to interrupt,
266
00:09:55,017 --> 00:09:57,002
But we'd better take a step
To the left.
267
00:09:57,004 --> 00:09:59,013
- no! Do not move!
268
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,006
A leaf blew in front of you.
269
00:10:01,008 --> 00:10:03,006
I just wanted to get that
Out of there.
270
00:10:03,008 --> 00:10:04,025
It's driving me nuts.
Ok, sorry.
271
00:10:04,027 --> 00:10:06,014
You know what?
272
00:10:06,016 --> 00:10:07,024
Let me do it an even number
Of times.
273
00:10:07,026 --> 00:10:08,025
It helps me.
274
00:10:08,027 --> 00:10:10,004
There--two times.
275
00:10:10,006 --> 00:10:12,008
1, 2, 3.
276
00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:13,024
Damn that leaf.
277
00:10:13,026 --> 00:10:16,003
Ok, hang on one second.
278
00:10:16,005 --> 00:10:17,008
That second one didn't
Really count.
279
00:10:17,010 --> 00:10:18,012
It wasn't a whole one.
280
00:10:18,014 --> 00:10:19,024
- come on, y'all. Let's go.
281
00:10:19,026 --> 00:10:21,017
- there--it's a whole.
- all right, now.
282
00:10:21,019 --> 00:10:22,029
- y'all have a good one, now.
283
00:10:23,001 --> 00:10:24,010
- happy halloween,
You son of a bitches.
284
00:10:24,012 --> 00:10:26,016
- 6, 7, 8, 9...
285
00:10:26,018 --> 00:10:27,021
- granny, you coming with us,
Hon?
286
00:10:27,023 --> 00:10:29,007
- no.
287
00:10:29,009 --> 00:10:30,017
I'm ready to die.
288
00:10:30,019 --> 00:10:32,007
- ok.
289
00:10:32,009 --> 00:10:33,020
You have a good 'n.
290
00:10:33,022 --> 00:10:37,008
- ...32, 33, 34, 35, 36.
291
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:42,020
No one, uh...
292
00:10:42,022 --> 00:10:45,002
No one ever lets me get
That far.
293
00:10:45,004 --> 00:10:46,024
What, uh...
294
00:10:46,026 --> 00:10:48,010
What do you want to do?
295
00:10:48,012 --> 00:10:52,021
- just like this.
296
00:10:52,023 --> 00:10:55,008
Can you do the hat?
297
00:10:55,010 --> 00:10:58,023
Now say it just right.
298
00:10:58,025 --> 00:11:02,010
- it's monday night of rowdy
Friend of football.
299
00:11:02,012 --> 00:11:05,011
Monday football night.
300
00:11:05,013 --> 00:11:07,023
- well, that's close enough.
301
00:11:07,025 --> 00:11:09,015
I think the 69ers are playing
302
00:11:09,017 --> 00:11:11,000
The packers tonight.
303
00:11:11,002 --> 00:11:12,026
[guitar playing]
20632
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