Original subtitles

[radio static]

[tunes to song]

- ♪ my dreams Are all dead and buried ♪

♪ sometimes I wish the sun Would just explode ♪

♪ when god comes and calls me To his kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons Of bitches when I go ♪

♪ when I blow

- my turn. - hell, no.

- hey, man, let me drive That thing! Come on.

- don't touch the trim!

[gunshots]

[rap music playing]

- [roaring]

- we done made ourselves A deal.

- all right, good! - hey, where you going?

Hey!

This is the grandest damn day Of my life.

- hey, daddy? What's that smell?

- it's your future, son.

Go on now. Breath it in.

- your future smells Like [bleep].

- that's just the Reinrichification of the soil

Being richer reinrichified.

Go on, take them damn Blinders off.

- oh!

Oh, my god.

- that's right!

It's all cuyler land! Yeah!

Stretching from diarrhea creek Over yonder

Right here to this Here skeleton.

- big damn deal. You bought a hog farm.

[gunshot]

- this here is a damn Hunting camp...

For hunters.

Hot damn! It is the only place In the region

Where you can stalk and kill,

Cut, gut, and dress your Own damn ham.

- how much did you pay For this?

- $37.50.

- what?!

- you got your head Up your ass?

- sounds like a lot now. How we gonna eat?

- what are we gonna do if we Ain't got no damn money?

- whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down now, damn it!

I done worked it out.

- but--but that's a lot Of money, ain't it?

- hell, yeah. I mean, If I had it all

Gathered together Here in a garbage bag,

You'd think I was travis tritt

A-strutting my fine ass On down to florida.

But you see, son, usury allows The little man

To have that What he desires.

- this sumptuous tract Of real estate--

50 luscious acres--

Currently unzoned For habitation--

Features picturesque Views of these...

Scenic blue tarps.

Can we start the bidding at...

25? - oh, you bet.

- yes! We have a 25, 25, 25.

Do we hear a 30? - 30!

- a 30.

From the only person In the auction.

Going once, going twice-- - 35!

- and for some reason We have a 35.

- 36!

- you do understand how this--

- 37!

- all right. I'm...

I'm actually starting to feel Bad for you.

- 37.50! - sold!

- whoo-wee!

- to the moron that knows Nothing about auction for 37.50.

Now, how will you be paying?

- these magic beans.

- so, that's 37.50 amortized

Over 500 years at 2,999%...

Per annum...

Can you make a down payment, Early?

- well...

Well, I got these uh...

- that's no down payment.

Technically, that's corn.

The penalty for that is to add Additional escrow,

Flo-jo-- racer From the olympics,

You're not listening...

[humming]

And here we go.

Here if your monthly payment.

- ooh. Ooh.

I ain't gotta pay that All at once, do I?

- no, early,

That's why I wasted The necessary time

To say the word "Monthly."

- sounds good! Send me the bill now.

So, you see, son,

Through jesus' gift of Financery,

We gonna own this here Land outright

In half a millenniasm. - hey!

How we gonna pay $60 a month Monthly?

- months? Where the hell you get months?

Hell, I paid that all at once, Don't I?

- uh, I don't think that's it, Daddy.

- how much?

- you said $60.

- 60?! God! We can't afford that!

Son of a bitch! We need some damn money!

- hey, darling.

Let me have a carton of them High tar slims, um...

This trans-am key chain,

And all the nasifeds you got Back there.

The blister packs.

- must have quite a cold Gotcha down, lil,

Wanting all that Nasifed and all that.

- mmm.

Got a tickle in my throat.

- hmm. There's a big tickle In your throat

About every two weeks, Don't you?

- what's your point?

- oh! Oh, nothing. It's just...

I've been told By the authorities

I'm supposed to ask you If you're planning to use

These here pharmasweaticals In the production

Of illegal Substances, you know?

Druggery?

- oh, come on!

Please!

This is ridiculous!

- how's that crystal meth Coming?

- real... Good.

- hey, daddy,

You talking about crystal Anametaphetamin?

- yeah. - ain't that illegal?

- look here, son. It ain't like we're buying it.

That's what's wrong.

We just make it and sell it...

And take it.

- ok.

- look at this here.

These here is the faces of meth.

Now, look at this here Average woman.

- that's at a woman, is it? - all right, below average.

- oh, dang.

- and this here is that Same exact woman--

- oh, lord. - after tangling with meth.

- meth sure does make you...

Boney.

- yep. Boney.

And easy.

Now, look here at this picture Of what the woman done

With just a teeny little bitty Taste of meth.

- I can't--ugh!

- see how she done degraded Herself?

- too--too ugly.

- with me? - ugh!

- that's me right there. - oh. Is that?

- and uncle travis. We was in gatlinburg.

We tore the hell out of that Damn hotel room.

We tore that sombitch up.

- I ain't wanting to look At that right now.

- I prefer the skinny type, Really.

- daddy, I think It's raining pee!

- it ain't raining pee.

- hell, it ain't nothing But a thing.

- ow!

I ain't--

I ain't feeling so good About this.

- if you can't take the pee, Get out of the pee-ery.

Hey, how's the hunting there, Showtime?

- uh-- - you bag one yet?

- no, early, I haven't.

It seems lord's bounty is Mighty thin out here.

- what you need to do Is rent you

One of these here Beating sticks.

$60 each.

- early, there ain't no meat To beat out here!

- hold on, wait a minute! Russell!

You the personnel man.

Where's them damn hogs at?

- daddy, I think something's Wrong with them hogs.

They all skinny, paranoid,

Showing up late to be killed.

- your brochure lied!

- shut up! I see one!

Hey, snakeman, you seeing that?

He's a fatty.

Go get you some!

- oh! Ow! Ow!

Help, daddy!

No, daddy!

- whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey!

Snakeman!

That damn hog's a'running off With my ride!

[gunshot]

- damn! Daddy!

We done been cleaned out!

- well, just what I thought.

It looks like the work of hogs.

- hey, man, the dale, junior Poster is gone!

And the matching bandana, too!

- good thing they didn't get

My '96 atlanta olympic Barbeque pump.

There we go.

- early... You wouldn't be committing no...

Insurance fraud there, Would you now?

- insurance?! Hell, I ain't got no insurance.

But I'm gonna sue the pants out Of the 1996 olympics

For burning my som-bitching House down.

Bunch of sick, Fire-toting freaks

Hanging medals around Their necks.

- hey, sheriff, what you Doing up here?

- well, y'all ain't paid Your loan.

So, I'm here to seize your Assets.

Looks like someone beat me

To the dale junior poster Though.

- rusty, get a picture of this.

- [coughing]

Y'all gonna have to excuse me.

This here smoke's just playing Hell with my sinuses and stuff.

- oh!

- oh, you so tense.

- mmm! - oh, the tension.

- oh, that's so nice.

Wait.

You ain't entering me in

Another tough man competition, Are you?

- no, granny.

Hey, listen.

You so stressed about Everything.

I mean, look at this stress knot

Right here in the middle Of your back.

- ow!

- there you go.

That's a big 'un.

- and I'm expected to believe

That this is an authentic Mountain pork rind, early?

- taste of it.

- mmm!

Mmm! Mmm!

No.

No, I don't think this is much Of a business plan.

[whistles]

Go on! Seize all the assets at once.

- uh...

You want me to pick up this...

- yes. The skeleton!

- well...

Ok.

I'm the law.

[sniffing]

Somebody's cooking meth up here.

- meth? What?! How dare you?

This is a legitimate pork Rindery.

Look. - son of a bitch!

- see?!

[boom]

- that was a meth lab Explosion.

- what?! No, no.

That's just a hog latrine Going off.

[oinking]

- oh, lord.

But this hog's strung out On drugs.

- how-- - call 911.

- hell, that hog can't be On drugs.

- one, two, three.

- how could a hog, What ain't got no money,

Pay money for damn drugs?!

Lil?

- the first taste is Always free.

- there's no damn pulse.

One, two, three.

[blows]

One, two, three.

[blows]

Come on, you fat bastard!

Live!

One, two, three.

[blows]

One, two, three.

I'm afraid I did all I could.

This hog...

Is dead.

- is your hog on drugs?

How would you know?

How could you Tell?

Look for these here Warning signs:

Sudden weight loss...

Euphoria leading to paranoia...

Stealatization of your things,

And jibbery style oinkery

What make no sense at all.

Warn your hogs about The dangers of meth

Before it's too damn Late.

I'm early cuyler,

And that concludes my Court-ordered community service.

Don't it?

Come on, randy.

Let me the [bleep] Out.