Original subtitles

[static]

[changing stations]

- ♪ my dreams are all

♪ dead and buried

♪ sometimes I wish the sun

♪ would just explode

♪ when god comes and calls me

♪ to his kingdom

♪ I'll take all you sons of

♪ bitches when I go

♪ [singing indistinctly]

- my turn. - hell no.

- hey, man, lemme drive That thing, come on.

- don't touch the trim!

[siren wailing]

- early, I'm not gonna Ask you again, now.

If you come out Right this minute,

I can guarantee Your safety.

- I ain't goin' nowhere, Except hell,

And I'm takin' you With me.

- early, the talkin' part's Over.

I'm countin' to 3.

Then I'm comin' in.

- you better have both them Guns a-blazin'.

- one...

Two...

Come on, early.

We're gonna be late for church.

- aw, hell. Is it sunday already?

Damn, don't time fly When you drunk as hell?

Now, let's get it on!

- good lord.

You're wearing that To church, early?

- listen here, boy. The lord made everything,

So he must've made This here hat.

Ain't that right, granny? - no.

I won that flashing my tetas Down in pc beach.

- and god made pc beach, Didn't he?

- oh, he certainly did. - yes, he did.

God is gooder than hell.

- right. Uh, if y'all don't mind, uh,

I'm going to sit a few pews Away this week here.

- I do!

I've got the power in me!

I feel it!

I've got so much Holy energy in me.

I've just got to dance it off.

Hallelujah! Ha!

Can I get a hallelujah Out there?

Hallelu--

Huh.

Uh, anyone?

- them speakers sound fine!

- ha ha.

Ha ha. Thank you, brother early.

And now, I'd like to ask All of the teenagers

To come up to the front

For what I call "God is rad."

[organ playing]

[cocks gun] - yessir.

- high five, teenager.

You wanna know What's totally awesome,

Gnarly, and tubular?

Jesus.

But when the devil enters Your life,

You should say unto thee,

"Devil, you are a nerd In my book."

- hey.

When we gonna do the money?

- uh, heh heh.

Brother early, we'll get To that later.

- I got to it now.

Hat's a-comin' round, folks.

Do generositize it.

- early, heh, we have a proper Receptacle for the--

Oh! Oh, my god!

- but that's my weekend hat!

- early, what message Do you think your hat sends?

- well, just what's airbrushed On there--

"[bleep] Your ass off! Pc beach '92!" whoo!

- early, I think you need To go back in there

And ask for his forgiveness.

Then and only then Will you receive

More of our canned goods.

- look, early, that's food.

- food! That's for eatin'.

There's some yams in here.

- let's see--yams.

- more yams. - yam boo-lon.

- well?

- this is a awful lot of yams In here.

- but wait a minute, Now, reverend.

You know today's the big race.

- early! Talladega can wait.

- no. The race It's today!

- it's just a reenactment. - quiet, honky.

You can't reenact the destiny.

- early...

[organ playing]

- oh, lord, who done made All creatures great and small

In his own image.

Did you make them fine-ass- Sounding speakers over there

What would sound gooder Than hell coming out

The back Of my truckboat truck?

[rustling]

Well, if you don't want me to Jimmy-jack them sweet tweeters,

You best give me a sign.

A new sign. I done seen that 'un.

[grunting]

Lord, please give me The strength

To lift these fine-ass Speakers off the--

[crash]

- go to the light.

[indistinct] Come to the light.

Early.

[dance music playing]

- ♪ go to the light

♪ change your life

- ♪ change your life

- ♪ go to the light

- [beeping]

Y'all hear that?

That's what it sounds like If we had insurance.

- uhh. - praise be jesus.

He's saved.

♪ jesus' sheep has found The shepherd in the world ♪

- yes, granny.

I seen the light

Like a dui roadblock in the sky.

But I pulled a u-ie and hauled Ass through the woods,

And now my life has purpose.

Good-bye, brown party liquor.

Gunnery, you have A good 'un, now.

Masturbation, uh...

Let's just call it a hiatus.

From now on, I'm a bush hog

On the front end loader Of the lord.

- and so early set out To live his life

In a more jesusly fashion.

- what's all this stuff, early?

- the squid giveth back Unto thee

Whateth he hath Stealedeth from thine garageth.

- good lord, it's my portable Digital assistant.

- oh, but there's more.

Open thouest tooly chest.

- it's my missing kidney.

Early, you shouldn't have.

- god bless, man.

- no, I mean you shouldn't have Never stole

My damn kidney To start with.

I-I'm gonna arrest you On this one.

Maybe.

- yes, darlin', your chest is Full and heaving.

But what about the heart that Lays beneath them puppies?

Look here, I want you to read This here literature.

No!

Pick it up with the butt cheeks.

So please accept these Candied yams

As a advance on the child Support

That I ain't never gonna pay,

'cause you just gonna Spend it on bathtub crank

From my sister.

And also know that I forgive Thee

For doing the unskinny bop

With every damn creature From this valley.

But what can one do,

For the vagina wants What the vagina wants.

Ain't that right, You whore of babylon?

I'm sorry, jesus. I can't help it.

She just makes me So damn pissed off.

[rattling]

[rattling stops]

- check the date on them yams.

No, not you.

Hey, ese. [snaps]

Vamonos.

- [speaking gibberish]

- hold on, then.

Oh, wait. W-w-wait, wait, uh,

Go back. Go back.

I didn't get anything after

"Abdula dalla Flobed halwa dowuh."

- I can't go back. I don't even know where I am.

This here's ancient hebrewloid From sumerifornia.

- what's this for, anyway?

- we making literatures To hand out

In front of that Damn dokken concert.

- but--but I was gonna See dokken.

- dokken is devily Music, rusty.

- but it's a totally Different lineup.

- if don dokken is involved, It is devily music.

Aww, look there, rusty.

You misspelled [speaking gibberish].

- will you keep it down, For crying out loud?

I'm trying to watch me stories

And I'm having a really Hard time.

Stories?

- unh-unh. I done give away the story box.

From now on, we going to enjoy This classic butter churn.

[grunting]

- oh, where's the tv?

Now I'm pissed.

- come on, now. Everybody take a turn.

[grunting]

Idle hands is the devil's Ding-a-ling.

- ow! Ow! Daddy.

Where you want I'm gonna put These work snakes?

- just drape 'em Around your neck.

They won't harm you If they don't bite you,

But you gotta be predestined.

- what's this say, reverend?

- well, heh heh, I'm not real good

With ancient sumerifornian Hebrewloid,

But it looks like early Isn't really

A big fan of dokken.

- but it's a whole new lineup.

- unh-unh. Hell no.

I'll be here For 40 days and 40 nights

If that's what it takes

To keep these commandments On display.

What's next? They gonna try To take it out of our schools?

Bull mess! I am against it.

I'm against mens kissing mens For any reason,

But when womans do it... Ahem.

But that seems all right.

Uh, any womans here willing to Make out with another woman?

I'm against all digits below

And above the number 9.

They all blasphemous.

Uh, and nitrogen,

'cause you know it was brought Here on ships

By space jews.

Hell yeah. You know the ones.

You.

Can I offer you some literature?

- no, thank you. I lived it.

- j-jesus? Is that you, my lord?

- shh. - hallelujah!

Hot diddily damn! - keep it down.

Look, I'm just here to ask you A favor, ok?

Could you please stop talking About me so much?

You're kind of blowing My street cred.

- but lord, I only--

- look, I like you.

I do. I swear.

Technically, I have to, but What's a good way to put this?

- [gasp] You breakin' up with me?

- yeah.

- but--but what about The lights?

It--it was you, jesus.

I knowed it.

- it was cher, ok?

A speaker fell on your head.

- but you saved me.

- do you remember your hat?

That really offensive one?

Apparently, the foam donkey Erection was detachable.

That's what saved you.

That's what that was, right? A donkey erection?

Nice. Nice taste there.

Thanks for wearing it to church. Nicely done.

- but they're tryin' to take Down your commandments.

Ain't you wanna do nothin' About it?

- dude, have you even Read this thing?

It's a beer ad.

- oh. So it is.

- look, let's make a deal, ok?

You stop talking about me And I will...

Ok, I'm gonna do this for you.

[snaps]

Mm? Take a taste.

- [slurps]

Could it be?

Party liquor rain?

- that's single malt, My friend.

Barrel aged.

And that's quality, not like You know the difference.

- let me get this straight, Now.

Every time it rains--

- no, early. Just this once.

- [slurps]

[scraping] - well, here we are, early.

Home sweet home.

- [retches]

Well. I'm in here.

- you took care of it, right?

- it's all good.

Check out this flat screen.

- yeah, you're the man.

[tinny music playing]

Oh, come on, now.

Nobody cares who these People are.