Original subtitles

[radio static]

[tunes to country song]

♪ my oldest son Was born an albino ♪

♪ my youngest was Covered in hair ♪

♪ the middle one Says he's a homosexual ♪

♪ the other 7 are Gone I don't know where ♪

♪ and I don't care

♪ I just don't care

- my turn! - hell, no!

Hey, man, let me drive That thing! Come on!

Do not touch the trim!

Puberty is a turbulent And insecure time

In a young man's life.

His voice changes,

Hair grows in unexpected places,

And the inside of his pants Become a firing range

For his uncontrollable Volcanic anus.

Daddy! Daddy!

For his uncontrollable Volcanic anus.

Oh, hell, russel cuyler!

You done had a Nocturnal eggnition...

All over my 7-count burlap.

Praise the lord!

It's the second coming.

No, granny! It's just one more [bleep] Mouth to feed.

Oh, bananas.

All right! I made me a brother!

Hey, boy, you better not be Touching my b.B. Gun.

You gonna get it. Come on, now.

It's a miracle!

What are you gonna name it?

Nothing!

I turn my back for one damn 3-day bender and you

Transaxulate yourself into A damn woman?!

Uh-uh!

Transaxulate yourself into A damn woman?!

Daddy, daddy-- - make you a real man!

Daddy!

Don't you dare hurt him!

Oh, and what's your saggy Mouth gonna say about it?

Ofblowman telefagus Pentaculus benterpinize

Farntormian criscodophin Nectoglabbit frontonian

Smectarufus foninax Trickendance trinnoctor

Pontalifamarian trudinox Nolicanisis!

[thunder] Wow!

You lucky bitch.

That is the You could have said.

Yeah, ok.

Freakin' word.

And I'll be around.

Why don't you take that weak [bleep] To the park...

Where maybe the squirrels Will care.

Hey, how y'all doing?

[grunting] [groans]

Ah, the miracle of life.

Happy trails, buddy roe!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What do you think you're Doing there, early?

Taking out the trash.

[grunting] Not on my watch.

Early, I want you to read this.

Oh, hell.

Russel, fetch my glasses.

[liquid pouring] [gulping]

Ah! [glass shatters]

We gonna make this happen.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no.

Early, it's my job To protect and serve

All forms of life,

Even the unhatched.

Every american has The right to life.

Even that crazy bitch in Houston what killed all

Them chaps in the bathtub?

Well, yeah, she should die.

But I'm talking About the unborn.

Inside that egg Is a beating heart,

A soul-- this small.

And while I don't understand how Rusty might have conceived--

Diplo-ribosomal Sexual osmosis...

Right down there In his butt crack.

All right, all right. Whatever. Is that how you did it?

My point is: This is a life.

And even though you Don't love it,

He don't have any money,

And you won't give It any opportunities,

This here egg could grow Up to be president,

Or find a cure for Homosexuality.

Wait a minute, or hell, even Become the next tom t. Hall!

So, what you saying is That my grandbaby right here

Might some day grow up to be the Gay president of tom t. Hall?!

Outstandinger than hell.

Well, maybe not

But some babies Do have potential.

What if it's Dracula in there?

Rusty's right.

If it's dracula, It best be killed.

Nah, you can't give Birth to a dracula.

You gotta be a dracula to Give birth to a dracula.

So, you was the dracula! - I was?!

- I knew it! I knew it! - now, look at me!

Damn it, early, Nobody's a dracula.

Look...

Damn it, early, Nobody's a dracula.

With me and find Her a proper home.

It's crowning.

[groans] Oh!

Might as wells take This one, too.

And that mess Of them over there.

- pull! - clear!

[shotgun blast]

That'un didn't make it.

Hey, daddy, How do I do a breast self-exam?

[sighs] Mens don't do that, rusty.

And mens don't lay No sissified eggs

Out of they fancy Butt glands neither.

What we doing up here?

We gonna de-bitchalate You, boy.

Make a man of you.

Now, put on your camo

'cause you got to Blend in with nature.

But... But this is orange.

No, no. Tangerine, boy.

You see, them deers is gonna Think this ain't nothing but

A common georgia fruit tree...

And we just two big friendly Deadly, deadly honeydews.

But, but, daddy--

Fruit don't talk.

Fruit just listens...

And waits.

Look over yonder.

Well, hot damn!

Is that lemon-flavored-- - shh!

Choc-o-late.

Them sumbitches will Come a-running.

[cocks trigger]

Any minute now.

The hunt is...

[yawning] On.

[snoring]

Ham box.

[organ playing] Heavenly father god,

Please be with these Unborn followers

And shepherd them--

These things--

Through the valley of...

Uh, um...

What are these, sheriff?

Uh, squid.

Squid?!

I think.

That cuyler clan?!

Up in the woods?!

Just go on, reverend.

Uh...

So, lord,

As part of your bizarre secret

Plan that we don't understand,

Maybe have one of those bad

Things happen just this once. - reverend!

A ceiling tile could crush This spawn of the devil, amen!

What are you saying?!

These need to die, And you know it!

Reverend, come on now!

One of these eggs could Grow up to be--

Oh, make a damn t-shirt.

It's just more thieving drunks!

Shh. It's ok.

The bad man's gone.

Come on, you haven't even Touched this gingerbread.

[snoring]

Daddy?! Daddy!

What's a deer look like?

Like that right there!

Be a man, son!

Blow his damn brains out.

Take him!

Pop his face off!

Do it! Do it!

Now is the time!

Protect the damn cake, rusty!

Do it!

Come on, you damn nut sprout. Shoot his ass.

[rusty] - just squeeze The trigger, rusty.

Come on.

Do it now!

Rusty desperately Wanted to be a man.

But he had too Much bitch in him,

And deep inside his vagina, He knew that.

Do it, do it! Whooo!

And so, at the last second,

He averted his rifle.

[gunshot] Aagh!

And shot his granny.

[granny] Jesus! [rusty] Granny!

I've been filled By his spirit.

Oh, no. Wait a minute.

I think that's the bullet.

I'm coming, jesus.

I'm sorry, granny. You all right?

Aagh! It's a talking honeydew!

It's the apocalypse!

About to slap your lips!

What the hell you doing out Here, woman?!

I've been tracking This cake for 3 days.

Did one of you assholes Just shoot me?

Congratulations, son.

You bagged uh-- something.

Go on now, Bathe in the blood.

I--I'd kind of rather Have some cake.

[gunshots]

The cake is dead.

[gurgling] [screaming]

Oh!

What is that, daddy?

That there is a stress ball.

That's what it is-- 'cause I'm angry!

And I'm angry 'cause You pissed me off--

Aquestionizing me about me And my mess all the time.

You want me to kill it And be a man?

A big, big man?

No, rusty.

I have learned much from

The sheriff's Pointless ramblings.

We'll let this one live.

And he will thrive on this land And one day grow strong

And bloom into a musky man

That will preserve The cuyler name

On through the coming Race war.

[sniffing]

[splat]

[snoring]

It's a miracle.

Straight from heaven.

No, wait!

It's dracula!

National guard, come in!

Send the blackhawks!

They'll kill us all!

[screeching]

What in the hell Caused all this?

Aagh!

God bless this bounty of Stolen thermo-meters

And their rich and smooth

Liquidy, metally,

Deadly, mirrored Gravy innards.

[glass breaks] Amen.

I can't--I-- [glass breaks] Oh.

Damn it, russel, it's easy.

Just pinch the tail And suck the head--

Just like a crawdaddy.

[door opens]

Oh, hey, sheriff. What you doing here?

[screaming] [alarms]

You think I could crash Here tonight?

[captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group]

[captioned by the national Captioning institute

--www.Ncicap.Org--]