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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,002
[radio static]
2
00:00:04,002 --> 00:00:05,003
[tunes to country song]
3
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,020
♪ my oldest son
Was born an albino ♪
4
00:00:10,014 --> 00:00:13,021
♪ my youngest was
Covered in hair ♪
5
00:00:15,027 --> 00:00:19,013
♪ the middle one
Says he's a homosexual ♪
6
00:00:21,002 --> 00:00:24,013
♪ the other 7 are
Gone I don't know where ♪
7
00:00:24,015 --> 00:00:26,017
♪ and I don't care
8
00:00:26,019 --> 00:00:27,028
♪ I just don't care
9
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,011
- my turn!
- hell, no!
10
00:00:29,013 --> 00:00:30,029
Hey, man, let me drive
That thing! Come on!
11
00:00:31,001 --> 00:00:33,002
Do not touch the trim!
12
00:00:35,018 --> 00:00:37,022
Puberty is a turbulent
And insecure time
13
00:00:37,024 --> 00:00:39,021
In a young man's life.
14
00:00:39,023 --> 00:00:41,014
His voice changes,
15
00:00:41,016 --> 00:00:44,023
Hair grows in unexpected places,
16
00:00:44,025 --> 00:00:47,023
And the inside of his pants
Become a firing range
17
00:00:47,025 --> 00:00:51,016
For his uncontrollable
Volcanic anus.
18
00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:52,014
Daddy!
Daddy!
19
00:00:52,016 --> 00:00:54,013
For his uncontrollable
Volcanic anus.
20
00:00:54,015 --> 00:00:56,014
Oh, hell, russel cuyler!
21
00:00:56,016 --> 00:00:59,010
You done had a
Nocturnal eggnition...
22
00:00:59,012 --> 00:01:01,013
All over my 7-count burlap.
23
00:01:01,015 --> 00:01:03,023
Praise the lord!
24
00:01:03,025 --> 00:01:05,013
It's the second coming.
25
00:01:05,015 --> 00:01:08,008
No, granny! It's just one more
[bleep] Mouth to feed.
26
00:01:08,010 --> 00:01:10,008
Oh, bananas.
27
00:01:10,010 --> 00:01:12,004
All right!
I made me a brother!
28
00:01:12,006 --> 00:01:13,021
Hey, boy, you better not be
Touching my b.B. Gun.
29
00:01:13,023 --> 00:01:14,021
You gonna get it.
Come on, now.
30
00:01:14,023 --> 00:01:16,016
It's a miracle!
31
00:01:16,018 --> 00:01:18,001
What are you gonna name it?
32
00:01:18,003 --> 00:01:19,007
Nothing!
33
00:01:19,009 --> 00:01:22,023
I turn my back for one damn
3-day bender and you
34
00:01:22,025 --> 00:01:25,024
Transaxulate yourself into
A damn woman?!
35
00:01:25,026 --> 00:01:26,017
Uh-uh!
36
00:01:26,024 --> 00:01:28,016
Transaxulate yourself into
A damn woman?!
37
00:01:28,018 --> 00:01:30,009
Daddy, daddy--
- make you a real man!
38
00:01:30,011 --> 00:01:31,006
Daddy!
39
00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:32,018
Don't you dare hurt him!
40
00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:35,018
Oh, and what's your saggy
Mouth gonna say about it?
41
00:01:35,020 --> 00:01:42,016
Ofblowman telefagus
Pentaculus benterpinize
42
00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:50,006
Farntormian criscodophin
Nectoglabbit frontonian
43
00:01:50,008 --> 00:01:56,006
Smectarufus foninax
Trickendance trinnoctor
44
00:01:56,008 --> 00:02:01,020
Pontalifamarian trudinox
Nolicanisis!
45
00:02:01,022 --> 00:02:04,005
[thunder]
Wow!
46
00:02:07,019 --> 00:02:09,010
You lucky bitch.
47
00:02:09,012 --> 00:02:11,012
That is the
You could have said.
48
00:02:11,014 --> 00:02:12,015
Yeah, ok.
49
00:02:14,011 --> 00:02:15,017
Freakin' word.
50
00:02:15,019 --> 00:02:16,024
And I'll be around.
51
00:02:16,026 --> 00:02:19,014
Why don't you take that weak
[bleep] To the park...
52
00:02:19,016 --> 00:02:21,025
Where maybe the squirrels
Will care.
53
00:02:21,027 --> 00:02:23,003
Hey, how y'all doing?
54
00:02:23,005 --> 00:02:28,027
[grunting]
[groans]
55
00:02:28,029 --> 00:02:32,005
Ah, the miracle of life.
56
00:02:32,007 --> 00:02:33,014
Happy trails, buddy roe!
57
00:02:33,016 --> 00:02:35,002
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
58
00:02:35,004 --> 00:02:36,021
What do you think you're
Doing there, early?
59
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:37,025
Taking out the trash.
60
00:02:37,027 --> 00:02:40,012
[grunting]
Not on my watch.
61
00:02:40,014 --> 00:02:42,023
Early, I want you to read this.
62
00:02:42,025 --> 00:02:44,010
Oh, hell.
63
00:02:44,012 --> 00:02:46,000
Russel, fetch my glasses.
64
00:02:46,002 --> 00:02:48,025
[liquid pouring]
[gulping]
65
00:02:48,027 --> 00:02:50,005
Ah!
[glass shatters]
66
00:02:50,007 --> 00:02:52,003
We gonna make this happen.
67
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,009
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no.
68
00:02:53,011 --> 00:02:56,023
Early, it's my job
To protect and serve
69
00:02:56,025 --> 00:02:58,016
All forms of life,
70
00:02:58,018 --> 00:03:00,023
Even the unhatched.
71
00:03:00,025 --> 00:03:03,021
Every american has
The right to life.
72
00:03:03,023 --> 00:03:05,012
Even that crazy bitch in
Houston what killed all
73
00:03:05,014 --> 00:03:07,022
Them chaps in the bathtub?
74
00:03:07,024 --> 00:03:09,011
Well, yeah, she should die.
75
00:03:09,013 --> 00:03:12,001
But I'm talking
About the unborn.
76
00:03:12,003 --> 00:03:14,024
Inside that egg
Is a beating heart,
77
00:03:14,026 --> 00:03:17,010
A soul-- this small.
78
00:03:17,012 --> 00:03:20,010
And while I don't understand how
Rusty might have conceived--
79
00:03:20,012 --> 00:03:23,008
Diplo-ribosomal
Sexual osmosis...
80
00:03:23,010 --> 00:03:24,018
Right down there
In his butt crack.
81
00:03:24,020 --> 00:03:26,019
All right, all right. Whatever.
Is that how you did it?
82
00:03:26,021 --> 00:03:29,021
My point is:
This is a life.
83
00:03:29,023 --> 00:03:31,018
And even though you
Don't love it,
84
00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:33,002
He don't have any money,
85
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:35,022
And you won't give
It any opportunities,
86
00:03:35,024 --> 00:03:39,025
This here egg could grow
Up to be president,
87
00:03:39,027 --> 00:03:42,018
Or find a cure for
Homosexuality.
88
00:03:42,020 --> 00:03:46,011
Wait a minute, or hell, even
Become the next tom t. Hall!
89
00:03:46,013 --> 00:03:49,023
So, what you saying is
That my grandbaby right here
90
00:03:49,025 --> 00:03:54,006
Might some day grow up to be the
Gay president of tom t. Hall?!
91
00:03:54,008 --> 00:03:56,005
Outstandinger than hell.
92
00:03:56,007 --> 00:03:57,028
Well, maybe not
93
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,002
But some babies
Do have potential.
94
00:04:00,004 --> 00:04:01,015
What if it's
Dracula in there?
95
00:04:01,017 --> 00:04:02,008
Rusty's right.
96
00:04:02,010 --> 00:04:04,007
If it's dracula,
It best be killed.
97
00:04:04,009 --> 00:04:06,009
Nah, you can't give
Birth to a dracula.
98
00:04:06,011 --> 00:04:09,028
You gotta be a dracula to
Give birth to a dracula.
99
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,027
So, you was the dracula!
- I was?!
100
00:04:11,029 --> 00:04:13,025
- I knew it! I knew it!
- now, look at me!
101
00:04:13,027 --> 00:04:15,028
Damn it, early,
Nobody's a dracula.
102
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:16,027
Look...
103
00:04:16,029 --> 00:04:19,010
Damn it, early,
Nobody's a dracula.
104
00:04:19,012 --> 00:04:22,000
With me and find
Her a proper home.
105
00:04:22,002 --> 00:04:23,000
It's crowning.
106
00:04:23,002 --> 00:04:25,003
[groans]
Oh!
107
00:04:25,005 --> 00:04:27,009
Might as wells take
This one, too.
108
00:04:27,011 --> 00:04:29,016
And that mess
Of them over there.
109
00:04:29,018 --> 00:04:31,015
- pull!
- clear!
110
00:04:31,017 --> 00:04:32,018
[shotgun blast]
111
00:04:34,011 --> 00:04:36,017
That'un didn't make it.
112
00:04:36,019 --> 00:04:39,027
Hey, daddy,
How do I do a breast self-exam?
113
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:42,015
[sighs]
Mens don't do that, rusty.
114
00:04:42,017 --> 00:04:44,020
And mens don't lay
No sissified eggs
115
00:04:44,022 --> 00:04:46,027
Out of they fancy
Butt glands neither.
116
00:04:46,029 --> 00:04:48,001
What we doing up here?
117
00:04:48,003 --> 00:04:50,005
We gonna de-bitchalate
You, boy.
118
00:04:50,007 --> 00:04:51,019
Make a man of you.
119
00:04:51,021 --> 00:04:53,020
Now, put on your camo
120
00:04:53,022 --> 00:04:55,029
'cause you got to
Blend in with nature.
121
00:04:56,001 --> 00:04:57,012
But... But this is orange.
122
00:04:57,014 --> 00:04:59,016
No, no.
Tangerine, boy.
123
00:04:59,018 --> 00:05:02,013
You see, them deers is gonna
Think this ain't nothing but
124
00:05:02,015 --> 00:05:05,005
A common georgia fruit tree...
125
00:05:05,007 --> 00:05:08,026
And we just two big friendly
Deadly, deadly honeydews.
126
00:05:08,028 --> 00:05:10,010
But, but, daddy--
127
00:05:10,012 --> 00:05:12,018
Fruit don't talk.
128
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:15,020
Fruit just listens...
129
00:05:15,022 --> 00:05:17,023
And waits.
130
00:05:19,003 --> 00:05:20,025
Look over yonder.
131
00:05:20,027 --> 00:05:21,025
Well, hot damn!
132
00:05:21,027 --> 00:05:24,000
Is that lemon-flavored--
- shh!
133
00:05:24,002 --> 00:05:25,019
Choc-o-late.
134
00:05:29,003 --> 00:05:30,027
Them sumbitches will
Come a-running.
135
00:05:30,029 --> 00:05:32,022
[cocks trigger]
136
00:05:37,026 --> 00:05:40,005
Any minute now.
137
00:05:44,018 --> 00:05:47,023
The hunt is...
138
00:05:47,025 --> 00:05:50,010
[yawning]
On.
139
00:05:51,009 --> 00:05:54,013
[snoring]
140
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:01,002
Ham box.
141
00:06:01,004 --> 00:06:04,024
[organ playing]
Heavenly father god,
142
00:06:04,026 --> 00:06:08,010
Please be with these
Unborn followers
143
00:06:08,012 --> 00:06:10,008
And shepherd them--
144
00:06:10,010 --> 00:06:13,014
These things--
145
00:06:13,016 --> 00:06:15,001
Through the valley of...
146
00:06:15,003 --> 00:06:16,007
Uh, um...
147
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:17,006
What are these, sheriff?
148
00:06:17,008 --> 00:06:18,007
Uh, squid.
149
00:06:18,009 --> 00:06:18,027
Squid?!
150
00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:19,024
I think.
151
00:06:19,026 --> 00:06:21,005
That cuyler clan?!
152
00:06:21,007 --> 00:06:22,011
Up in the woods?!
153
00:06:22,013 --> 00:06:23,015
Just go on, reverend.
154
00:06:23,017 --> 00:06:25,020
Uh...
155
00:06:25,022 --> 00:06:27,002
So, lord,
156
00:06:27,004 --> 00:06:30,007
As part of your bizarre secret
157
00:06:30,009 --> 00:06:33,023
Plan that we don't understand,
158
00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:35,007
Maybe have one of those bad
159
00:06:35,009 --> 00:06:37,015
Things happen just this once.
- reverend!
160
00:06:37,017 --> 00:06:40,002
A ceiling tile could crush
This spawn of the devil, amen!
161
00:06:40,004 --> 00:06:40,027
What are you saying?!
162
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,014
These need to die,
And you know it!
163
00:06:43,016 --> 00:06:45,000
Reverend, come on now!
164
00:06:45,002 --> 00:06:47,019
One of these eggs could
Grow up to be--
165
00:06:47,021 --> 00:06:48,026
Oh, make a damn t-shirt.
166
00:06:48,028 --> 00:06:51,012
It's just more thieving drunks!
167
00:06:51,014 --> 00:06:53,003
Shh.
It's ok.
168
00:06:53,005 --> 00:06:55,006
The bad man's gone.
169
00:06:55,008 --> 00:06:58,002
Come on, you haven't even
Touched this gingerbread.
170
00:06:58,004 --> 00:07:00,028
[snoring]
171
00:07:06,016 --> 00:07:09,008
Daddy?! Daddy!
172
00:07:09,010 --> 00:07:11,014
What's a deer look like?
173
00:07:12,028 --> 00:07:14,010
Like that right there!
174
00:07:14,012 --> 00:07:15,023
Be a man, son!
175
00:07:15,025 --> 00:07:17,016
Blow his damn brains out.
176
00:07:17,018 --> 00:07:18,009
Take him!
177
00:07:18,011 --> 00:07:19,022
Pop his face off!
178
00:07:19,024 --> 00:07:20,026
Do it!
Do it!
179
00:07:20,028 --> 00:07:22,018
Now is the time!
180
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:24,003
Protect the damn cake, rusty!
181
00:07:24,005 --> 00:07:25,012
Do it!
182
00:07:25,014 --> 00:07:27,021
Come on, you damn nut sprout.
Shoot his ass.
183
00:07:27,023 --> 00:07:30,002
[rusty] - just squeeze
The trigger, rusty.
184
00:07:30,004 --> 00:07:31,001
Come on.
185
00:07:31,003 --> 00:07:32,008
Do it now!
186
00:07:32,010 --> 00:07:34,028
Rusty desperately
Wanted to be a man.
187
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,007
But he had too
Much bitch in him,
188
00:07:37,009 --> 00:07:39,003
And deep inside his vagina,
He knew that.
189
00:07:39,005 --> 00:07:40,001
Do it, do it!
Whooo!
190
00:07:40,003 --> 00:07:41,022
And so, at the last second,
191
00:07:41,024 --> 00:07:42,028
He averted his rifle.
192
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,013
[gunshot]
Aagh!
193
00:07:44,015 --> 00:07:45,016
And shot his granny.
194
00:07:45,018 --> 00:07:47,007
[granny] Jesus!
[rusty] Granny!
195
00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:50,006
I've been filled
By his spirit.
196
00:07:50,008 --> 00:07:51,018
Oh, no.
Wait a minute.
197
00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:53,020
I think that's the bullet.
198
00:07:53,022 --> 00:07:54,025
I'm coming, jesus.
199
00:07:54,027 --> 00:07:56,007
I'm sorry, granny.
You all right?
200
00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:58,016
Aagh!
It's a talking honeydew!
201
00:07:58,018 --> 00:07:59,026
It's the apocalypse!
202
00:07:59,028 --> 00:08:01,009
About to slap your lips!
203
00:08:01,011 --> 00:08:04,006
What the hell you doing out
Here, woman?!
204
00:08:04,008 --> 00:08:07,029
I've been tracking
This cake for 3 days.
205
00:08:09,028 --> 00:08:12,017
Did one of you assholes
Just shoot me?
206
00:08:12,019 --> 00:08:14,005
Congratulations, son.
207
00:08:14,007 --> 00:08:16,004
You bagged uh-- something.
208
00:08:16,006 --> 00:08:17,029
Go on now,
Bathe in the blood.
209
00:08:18,001 --> 00:08:19,028
I--I'd kind of rather
Have some cake.
210
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,000
[gunshots]
211
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:25,004
The cake is dead.
212
00:08:25,006 --> 00:08:28,010
[gurgling]
[screaming]
213
00:08:30,021 --> 00:08:32,002
Oh!
214
00:08:32,004 --> 00:08:34,015
What is that, daddy?
215
00:08:34,017 --> 00:08:36,002
That there is a stress ball.
216
00:08:36,004 --> 00:08:38,019
That's what it is--
'cause I'm angry!
217
00:08:38,021 --> 00:08:40,027
And I'm angry 'cause
You pissed me off--
218
00:08:40,029 --> 00:08:44,005
Aquestionizing me about me
And my mess all the time.
219
00:08:45,026 --> 00:08:47,024
You want me to kill it
And be a man?
220
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,006
A big, big man?
221
00:08:49,008 --> 00:08:50,014
No, rusty.
222
00:08:50,016 --> 00:08:51,020
I have learned much from
223
00:08:51,022 --> 00:08:53,022
The sheriff's
Pointless ramblings.
224
00:08:53,024 --> 00:08:55,026
We'll let this one live.
225
00:08:55,028 --> 00:08:59,016
And he will thrive on this land
And one day grow strong
226
00:08:59,018 --> 00:09:02,009
And bloom into a musky man
227
00:09:02,011 --> 00:09:04,020
That will preserve
The cuyler name
228
00:09:04,022 --> 00:09:06,026
On through the coming
Race war.
229
00:09:10,006 --> 00:09:12,015
[sniffing]
230
00:09:12,017 --> 00:09:14,025
[splat]
231
00:09:14,027 --> 00:09:17,017
[snoring]
232
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,014
It's a miracle.
233
00:09:27,016 --> 00:09:30,029
Straight from heaven.
234
00:09:31,001 --> 00:09:31,019
No, wait!
235
00:09:31,021 --> 00:09:32,017
It's dracula!
236
00:09:32,019 --> 00:09:34,005
National guard, come in!
237
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,007
Send the blackhawks!
238
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:37,006
They'll kill us all!
239
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,012
[screeching]
240
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:43,011
What in the hell
Caused all this?
241
00:09:43,013 --> 00:09:44,027
Aagh!
242
00:09:44,029 --> 00:09:48,013
God bless this bounty of
Stolen thermo-meters
243
00:09:48,015 --> 00:09:50,019
And their rich and smooth
244
00:09:50,021 --> 00:09:52,004
Liquidy, metally,
245
00:09:52,006 --> 00:09:54,029
Deadly, mirrored
Gravy innards.
246
00:09:55,001 --> 00:09:56,019
[glass breaks]
Amen.
247
00:09:56,021 --> 00:09:58,003
I can't--I--
[glass breaks] Oh.
248
00:09:58,005 --> 00:09:59,021
Damn it, russel, it's easy.
249
00:09:59,023 --> 00:10:01,029
Just pinch the tail
And suck the head--
250
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:03,017
Just like a crawdaddy.
251
00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:05,017
[door opens]
252
00:10:05,019 --> 00:10:07,011
Oh, hey, sheriff.
What you doing here?
253
00:10:07,013 --> 00:10:09,000
[screaming]
[alarms]
254
00:10:10,022 --> 00:10:14,017
You think I could crash
Here tonight?
255
00:10:14,019 --> 00:10:15,025
[captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group]
256
00:10:15,027 --> 00:10:17,010
[captioned by the national
Captioning institute
257
00:10:17,012 --> 00:10:18,018
--www.Ncicap.Org--]
17257
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