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1
00:00:01,004 --> 00:00:04,013
[radio static]
2
00:00:04,015 --> 00:00:05,024
[country song plays]
3
00:00:05,026 --> 00:00:10,004
♪ my dreams are all
Dead and buried
4
00:00:11,004 --> 00:00:14,024
Sometimes I wish the sun
Would just explode
5
00:00:16,010 --> 00:00:20,008
When god comes and calls
Me to his kingdom
6
00:00:21,007 --> 00:00:25,008
I'll take all you sons
Of bitches when I go
7
00:00:25,010 --> 00:00:28,020
Blah blah whoa whoa ♪
8
00:00:28,022 --> 00:00:29,028
- my turn!
- hell, no.
9
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,008
Hey, let met drive that
Thing, come on.
10
00:00:31,010 --> 00:00:33,020
Do not touch the trim.
11
00:00:36,009 --> 00:00:38,026
Racial tension has
Divided this country
12
00:00:38,028 --> 00:00:40,016
For far too long,
13
00:00:40,018 --> 00:00:42,024
And now it threatens to claim
14
00:00:42,026 --> 00:00:45,027
America's favorite
Animated family.
15
00:00:46,023 --> 00:00:48,026
Santa claus is dead!
16
00:00:48,028 --> 00:00:50,005
Your mama's white.
17
00:00:50,007 --> 00:00:51,023
No, it's a damn lie!
18
00:00:51,025 --> 00:00:52,023
I can dunk.
19
00:00:52,025 --> 00:00:53,025
See?
20
00:00:53,027 --> 00:00:56,002
[grunt]
Aah!
21
00:00:56,004 --> 00:00:59,000
Cargo slacks are a breeze
At old air force,
22
00:00:59,002 --> 00:01:01,003
Starting at $14.99.
23
00:01:01,005 --> 00:01:03,010
Noooo!
24
00:01:03,012 --> 00:01:04,014
Rusty!
25
00:01:04,016 --> 00:01:06,005
Rusty!
Be still, boy.
26
00:01:06,007 --> 00:01:08,016
There's only 5 laps to go,
And ol' dick trickle's
27
00:01:08,018 --> 00:01:09,028
About to win this sumbitch!
28
00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:11,009
Don't let him draft you, dick.
29
00:01:11,011 --> 00:01:12,007
Whoo!
30
00:01:12,009 --> 00:01:14,000
[static]
What the?
31
00:01:14,002 --> 00:01:14,024
Gaa!
32
00:01:14,026 --> 00:01:16,002
Aw, hellfire, damn!
33
00:01:16,004 --> 00:01:18,010
Daddy, I need to know
Once and for all--
34
00:01:18,012 --> 00:01:20,021
Oh, damn it, not this again.
35
00:01:20,023 --> 00:01:23,006
I told you, boy,
If your mama's white,
36
00:01:23,008 --> 00:01:26,003
Then that makes me a damn
Chalkie lover.
37
00:01:26,005 --> 00:01:28,019
Now, do I look like a chalkie
Lover to you?
38
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,013
Uh, I don't know, daddy.
39
00:01:30,015 --> 00:01:31,020
You do drink a lot.
40
00:01:31,022 --> 00:01:34,006
Yes, I do, and I fight.
41
00:01:34,008 --> 00:01:36,021
But some other crazy
Sumbitch is the one
42
00:01:36,023 --> 00:01:39,014
What bangulated and pregnified
That white woman.
43
00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:40,018
It's not I!
44
00:01:40,020 --> 00:01:43,015
So you're saying
My mama was white?
45
00:01:44,013 --> 00:01:45,019
Wait a minute.
What did I say?
46
00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,015
You said my mama was white
And you ain't the crazy sumbitch
47
00:01:47,017 --> 00:01:50,008
That bangulated
And pregnified her.
48
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:54,007
Your mama was
A vision in alabaster,
49
00:01:54,009 --> 00:01:56,020
A white lily of the field,
50
00:01:56,022 --> 00:01:58,011
Rich with scented pollen
51
00:01:58,013 --> 00:02:01,012
And the sweet odor of
The morning mist--
52
00:02:01,014 --> 00:02:03,001
Diet morning mist, actually,
53
00:02:03,003 --> 00:02:05,001
Although sometimes she
Would drink the regular
54
00:02:05,003 --> 00:02:06,027
If they was out of the diet.
55
00:02:06,029 --> 00:02:09,006
She was enormous.
56
00:02:09,008 --> 00:02:11,004
Lord, did I love her,
57
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:14,004
For 32 frenetic seconds.
58
00:02:14,006 --> 00:02:16,025
Unh! Unh! Unh!
The loving was good.
59
00:02:16,027 --> 00:02:19,001
Yeah, I remember
That lying whore.
60
00:02:19,003 --> 00:02:20,026
Hey, now, don't you talk
About my mama like that.
61
00:02:20,028 --> 00:02:22,014
I mean she lies down a lot.
62
00:02:22,016 --> 00:02:23,020
I meant the "Whore" part.
63
00:02:23,022 --> 00:02:24,025
Oh.
64
00:02:24,027 --> 00:02:26,022
Well, I'll stand by that.
65
00:02:26,024 --> 00:02:27,018
Bitch.
66
00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:28,014
Russell!
67
00:02:28,016 --> 00:02:30,014
You need to respectify
Your aunt lil.
68
00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:32,006
She ain't some
Damn dirty-ass whore
69
00:02:32,008 --> 00:02:34,006
That you can trash down,
Like your mama.
70
00:02:34,008 --> 00:02:35,017
Where my mama's at?
71
00:02:35,019 --> 00:02:36,028
I wanna meet her right now!
72
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,003
Well, get back there
On the roof.
73
00:02:39,005 --> 00:02:41,019
You can see her fat ass
From 3 states.
74
00:02:41,021 --> 00:02:42,029
Ha ha ha!
75
00:02:43,001 --> 00:02:43,027
That's fine.
76
00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:45,014
Yeah, you just go on
Ahead and meet her.
77
00:02:45,016 --> 00:02:47,013
Just remember,
I never touched her.
78
00:02:48,016 --> 00:02:51,023
Well, then there's one of me.
79
00:02:51,025 --> 00:02:54,013
Here's one of them what
You call them glamour shot
80
00:02:54,015 --> 00:02:55,017
And what have you.
81
00:02:56,027 --> 00:02:58,023
What do you know?
There's me.
82
00:02:58,025 --> 00:03:00,013
Nope, that's a bus.
83
00:03:00,015 --> 00:03:02,025
Am I in any of these
Pictures, mama?
84
00:03:02,027 --> 00:03:05,012
Well, uh--
Well, look at this one.
85
00:03:05,014 --> 00:03:07,027
I'm about 8 months pregnant
With you in this one.
86
00:03:07,029 --> 00:03:08,026
Ooh.
87
00:03:08,028 --> 00:03:11,025
Yeah, I sent that in to
"Spunk" magazine.
88
00:03:11,027 --> 00:03:13,020
Fools rejected it.
89
00:03:13,022 --> 00:03:14,027
You'd print this, wouldn't you?
90
00:03:14,029 --> 00:03:18,003
My daddy said you was like a
Huge dollop of sour cream--
91
00:03:18,005 --> 00:03:20,023
Rich and zesty,
With a little bit of bite.
92
00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:22,001
How is your daddy?
93
00:03:22,003 --> 00:03:23,023
Oh, he's good.
He's good.
94
00:03:23,025 --> 00:03:25,014
Just got out of prison
Not too long ago--
95
00:03:25,016 --> 00:03:26,024
No, I'm sorry.
Who?
96
00:03:26,026 --> 00:03:28,008
I mean, who's your daddy?
97
00:03:28,010 --> 00:03:29,007
Anybody I know?
98
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,019
Uh, early cuyler?
99
00:03:31,021 --> 00:03:33,017
Tall guy?
- no.
100
00:03:33,019 --> 00:03:34,015
Big belly?
- no.
101
00:03:34,017 --> 00:03:35,016
Red hair?
- not the one.
102
00:03:35,018 --> 00:03:36,017
Kind of look like
Charlie sheen?
103
00:03:36,019 --> 00:03:37,014
Not him, neither.
104
00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:39,007
Or is charlie sheen?
105
00:03:39,009 --> 00:03:40,021
Mmm, no, not charlie sheen.
106
00:03:40,023 --> 00:03:43,001
Is he a football team?
- no.
107
00:03:43,003 --> 00:03:45,028
Is he the groundskeeping crew
For the football team?
108
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:46,024
No.
109
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,013
Are you sure it's not
Charlie sheen?
110
00:03:48,015 --> 00:03:49,008
No, mama.
111
00:03:49,010 --> 00:03:50,020
Early cuyler is the name.
112
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:51,028
About yea high.
113
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,003
I've been told we look alike,
114
00:03:53,005 --> 00:03:54,025
Especially in the eye region.
115
00:03:54,027 --> 00:03:57,002
Same shape of the eyes,
You know, right here?
116
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,005
Well, your daddy,
117
00:03:59,007 --> 00:04:01,007
Whoever he was,
118
00:04:01,009 --> 00:04:03,001
Surely we loved each other
119
00:04:03,003 --> 00:04:05,027
For a period of time.
120
00:04:05,029 --> 00:04:11,002
Of that I am c--pretty sure.
121
00:04:11,004 --> 00:04:13,027
Mama, why did you give me up?
122
00:04:13,029 --> 00:04:17,005
Baby doll, it would kill me
123
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,007
To have you to grow up with
124
00:04:18,009 --> 00:04:21,011
A mama that didn't love you
125
00:04:21,013 --> 00:04:22,020
Or care for you
126
00:04:22,022 --> 00:04:26,022
Or couldn't benefit
From you in any way.
127
00:04:26,024 --> 00:04:29,005
Now do you understand?
128
00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:30,017
I reckon.
129
00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:34,012
All that matters is that we're
Together now, right, mama?
130
00:04:34,014 --> 00:04:36,012
Bring mama a tv.
131
00:04:38,024 --> 00:04:41,023
Son, where do you think
You're taking that demon box?
132
00:04:41,025 --> 00:04:43,021
I gots to provide
For my mama now.
133
00:04:43,023 --> 00:04:44,029
Ok. All right.
134
00:04:45,001 --> 00:04:46,021
You can tell that
Old fat-ass bitch
135
00:04:46,023 --> 00:04:49,016
I don't remember nothing
About her, neither!
136
00:04:49,018 --> 00:04:51,007
Did she ask about me?
137
00:04:56,023 --> 00:04:59,005
I asked if she asked about me!
138
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:03,010
Yep, it's a good life
Out in nature.
139
00:05:03,012 --> 00:05:07,023
I ain't never having to go back
And forth and in and out.
140
00:05:07,025 --> 00:05:13,006
No emts cutting the doors
Away out here.
141
00:05:13,008 --> 00:05:15,011
Do white people do anything
Else besides sponge-mop
142
00:05:15,013 --> 00:05:17,016
The cracks in their
Mamas' back fat?
143
00:05:17,018 --> 00:05:20,006
That's a good question,
Little thing.
144
00:05:20,008 --> 00:05:22,022
Let's check the tv.
145
00:05:22,024 --> 00:05:23,026
For real, yeah.
146
00:05:23,028 --> 00:05:26,004
I mean, when black
Folks use a napkin,
147
00:05:26,006 --> 00:05:27,004
They all like, "Damn!
148
00:05:27,006 --> 00:05:28,019
That was some good ribs!"
149
00:05:28,021 --> 00:05:30,000
Rub it all over they faces.
150
00:05:30,002 --> 00:05:30,028
And white folks,
151
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,015
They all dabbing
The corner of they mouth
152
00:05:32,017 --> 00:05:35,012
And [beep] Like they taking some
Sort of fingerprint.
153
00:05:35,014 --> 00:05:37,018
"Mmm! What a pleasurable meal!"
154
00:05:37,020 --> 00:05:39,028
Tiger, please.
[applause]
155
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,012
Mmm! What a pleasurable meal.
156
00:05:42,014 --> 00:05:44,002
I am a white guy.
157
00:05:44,004 --> 00:05:44,026
Like that, mama?
158
00:05:44,028 --> 00:05:46,020
Yeah, son.
159
00:05:46,022 --> 00:05:48,021
Why don't you roll me over,
Pumpkin?
160
00:05:48,023 --> 00:05:50,025
I feel a sore coming on.
161
00:05:50,027 --> 00:05:54,018
[crash]
162
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,027
I told them I couldn't
Fly a helicopter.
163
00:05:56,029 --> 00:05:59,007
I told you I ain't moving,
Sheriff.
164
00:05:59,009 --> 00:06:00,020
[slurrping]
165
00:06:00,022 --> 00:06:03,021
You've got to take me
In dead or alive.
166
00:06:03,023 --> 00:06:07,006
The statute of limitations
Passed on that loitering charge.
167
00:06:08,016 --> 00:06:10,006
Congratulations, crystal.
168
00:06:10,008 --> 00:06:12,023
You've been recognized
As a landmark.
169
00:06:12,025 --> 00:06:14,027
Oh, what a pleasurable
Sheriff.
170
00:06:14,029 --> 00:06:17,012
Hey, rusty, what you
Doing down here--
171
00:06:17,014 --> 00:06:18,016
Getting a little piece?
172
00:06:18,018 --> 00:06:21,002
Ha ha ha!
[gunshots]
173
00:06:21,004 --> 00:06:22,018
I should be outlawed.
174
00:06:22,020 --> 00:06:23,029
You ain't gonna talk about
My mama like that,
175
00:06:24,001 --> 00:06:25,011
You son of a bitch!
176
00:06:25,013 --> 00:06:27,017
Mother? Hmm.
177
00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:29,005
How old are you, rusty?
178
00:06:29,007 --> 00:06:30,015
You about 15?
179
00:06:30,017 --> 00:06:33,024
Give or take,
As the crow flies.
180
00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,027
[narrator:]
15 years ago,
181
00:06:34,029 --> 00:06:37,005
The world was a
Much different place.
182
00:06:37,007 --> 00:06:39,013
The berlin wall
Had just crumbled.
183
00:06:39,015 --> 00:06:42,001
I thought I could
Handle cocaine.
184
00:06:42,003 --> 00:06:43,025
I really did.
185
00:06:43,027 --> 00:06:45,018
I lost everything.
186
00:06:45,020 --> 00:06:47,007
And a young deputy sheriff
Was learning
187
00:06:47,009 --> 00:06:49,024
That you can't defy
The laws of love--
188
00:06:49,026 --> 00:06:51,002
Or nature.
189
00:06:51,004 --> 00:06:55,002
I got a report here that says
You won't leave the premises.
190
00:06:55,004 --> 00:06:57,007
Are you staging one
Of them protests?
191
00:06:57,009 --> 00:07:01,014
I's staging a wet
T-shirt contest.
192
00:07:01,016 --> 00:07:03,003
You hang around a while,
193
00:07:03,005 --> 00:07:05,023
And you might just get to judge.
194
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,016
And there it was--
195
00:07:07,018 --> 00:07:10,018
The very first nipple the
Sheriff had ever seen.
196
00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:12,024
Shove this in your eyeballs.
197
00:07:12,026 --> 00:07:14,002
Interestingly enough,
198
00:07:14,004 --> 00:07:16,027
It was also the first lawn
Sprinkler he had ever seen.
199
00:07:16,029 --> 00:07:18,004
Whee! Ha!
200
00:07:18,006 --> 00:07:20,020
So between the nipple
And the lawn sprinkler,
201
00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:24,001
The glistening young deputy
Sheriff became a man.
202
00:07:24,003 --> 00:07:26,024
I'm free! I'm free!
203
00:07:28,007 --> 00:07:31,000
Rusty, I am your daddy.
204
00:07:31,002 --> 00:07:32,020
Oh, you think?
205
00:07:32,022 --> 00:07:33,015
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
206
00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:35,009
Just look at the shape
Of our eyes.
207
00:07:35,011 --> 00:07:38,000
Exactly the same.
- oh.
208
00:07:38,002 --> 00:07:41,028
Crystal, I suppose we
Ought to get married.
209
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,020
[burp]
What for?
210
00:07:43,022 --> 00:07:44,017
Come on.
211
00:07:44,019 --> 00:07:47,004
You and I both know what
Happened, hmm?
212
00:07:47,006 --> 00:07:50,022
About 15 years ago
On this very spot.
213
00:07:50,024 --> 00:07:52,022
You made me play pattycake.
214
00:07:52,024 --> 00:07:55,011
Unprotected pattycake.
215
00:07:55,013 --> 00:07:56,025
This has happened, son.
216
00:07:56,027 --> 00:07:59,014
- well, now, la di da.
- oh, hell.
217
00:07:59,016 --> 00:08:01,009
Howdy doody to you, crystal.
218
00:08:01,011 --> 00:08:02,005
Early.
219
00:08:02,007 --> 00:08:03,014
It's been many years,
220
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,012
But you--you ain't moved a bit.
221
00:08:05,014 --> 00:08:06,023
Be respectful now.
222
00:08:06,025 --> 00:08:08,025
This woman here is
The mother of my child.
223
00:08:08,027 --> 00:08:10,024
Your child? Hell, no.
224
00:08:10,026 --> 00:08:12,024
This here is my boy.
225
00:08:12,026 --> 00:08:15,007
And yeah, that's his mama.
226
00:08:15,009 --> 00:08:17,009
But you--you probably the one
227
00:08:17,011 --> 00:08:19,001
That the sapuals with her.
228
00:08:19,003 --> 00:08:22,021
I refuse to touch the soft,
Creamy, plump--
229
00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:23,024
Ow! Damn.
230
00:08:23,026 --> 00:08:26,022
Get your filthy squid hands
Off of my hinterland.
231
00:08:26,024 --> 00:08:28,006
I love you.
232
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,014
I'll kill you, bitch!
233
00:08:29,016 --> 00:08:30,016
Aah!
234
00:08:30,018 --> 00:08:32,004
- early?
- no, daddy, no!
235
00:08:32,006 --> 00:08:33,001
I told you, rusty.
236
00:08:33,003 --> 00:08:34,026
I'm your baby daddy.
237
00:08:34,028 --> 00:08:35,020
Daddy.
238
00:08:35,022 --> 00:08:37,020
Sheriff.
239
00:08:37,022 --> 00:08:38,029
There's only one way
240
00:08:39,001 --> 00:08:41,022
To capture the elusive bunfish.
241
00:08:43,004 --> 00:08:44,025
Ain't that what you
Was talking about?
242
00:08:44,027 --> 00:08:47,028
No. We were discussing
This boy's paternity.
243
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,022
Oh. I couldn't hear
Something down there.
244
00:08:51,024 --> 00:08:54,007
Whose bicycle is this?
245
00:08:54,009 --> 00:08:56,026
Rusty? Piss on that
There rabbit.
246
00:08:56,028 --> 00:08:58,014
If he dies, I'm your daddy.
247
00:08:58,016 --> 00:09:01,005
Early, there's more
Scientific ways of doing this.
248
00:09:04,004 --> 00:09:05,020
Do it anyway.
249
00:09:05,022 --> 00:09:07,001
So, what we're gonna do here
250
00:09:07,003 --> 00:09:08,014
Is apply a presecreted bladder
251
00:09:08,016 --> 00:09:09,027
Fluid to the exoderm
Of this furry mammal,
252
00:09:09,029 --> 00:09:12,002
And then we'll look for
Signs of mortification
253
00:09:12,004 --> 00:09:13,026
Or terminalicity of
The affected region.
254
00:09:13,028 --> 00:09:17,006
So I'm gonna need a urine sample
From you and you.
255
00:09:17,008 --> 00:09:18,028
Well, I pee sitting down.
256
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,022
Any approach you
Choose is fine.
257
00:09:21,024 --> 00:09:22,022
Excuse me, sir?
258
00:09:22,024 --> 00:09:25,001
Sir, not in my plastic ficus,
Please. It's--
259
00:09:25,003 --> 00:09:26,010
Relax, brainiac.
260
00:09:26,012 --> 00:09:28,014
I filled your jar up.
261
00:09:28,016 --> 00:09:29,029
[sniff]
My goodness.
262
00:09:30,001 --> 00:09:33,005
This looks to be about 80 proof
Straight bourbon whiskey.
263
00:09:34,023 --> 00:09:35,023
Give it back.
264
00:09:35,025 --> 00:09:38,025
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
265
00:09:38,027 --> 00:09:40,027
Congratulations.
266
00:09:40,029 --> 00:09:42,016
Somebody's pregnant.
267
00:09:42,018 --> 00:09:44,006
Uh, actually, doctor,
268
00:09:44,008 --> 00:09:46,021
We're here to find
Out who the daddy is.
269
00:09:46,023 --> 00:09:48,021
Of who--this rabbit?
270
00:09:48,023 --> 00:09:49,019
This is dead.
271
00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:50,019
No, not the rabbit.
272
00:09:50,021 --> 00:09:51,027
The boy there.
273
00:09:51,029 --> 00:09:53,017
Ha ha ha!
274
00:09:53,019 --> 00:09:56,022
I'm afraid science can't tell us
Everything, little man.
275
00:09:56,024 --> 00:09:58,023
Hmm. Now, that's interesting.
276
00:09:58,025 --> 00:10:00,015
What?
277
00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:02,021
This rabbit's been
Hit by a hammer.
278
00:10:02,023 --> 00:10:05,010
Well, let me get
My vaporologist in here.
279
00:10:05,012 --> 00:10:07,007
Dr. Bug, get in here.
280
00:10:17,023 --> 00:10:19,020
This rabbit's been
Hit by a hammer.
281
00:10:19,022 --> 00:10:23,002
Yep. Sure has.
282
00:10:24,009 --> 00:10:26,000
Is that why you
Dragged me in here?
283
00:10:26,002 --> 00:10:28,017
Dr. Bug, have a look at these
Various smokes and vapors.
284
00:10:28,019 --> 00:10:30,002
Do you see what I'm seeing?
285
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:32,017
I reckon so, yeah,
And all them.
286
00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:34,025
Your young un over
There is an only child.
287
00:10:34,027 --> 00:10:36,021
No, if it's purple, doesn't
That mean he has a twin brother?
288
00:10:36,023 --> 00:10:39,000
Shut the [beep] Up, man.
289
00:10:39,002 --> 00:10:40,013
Only child.
290
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:42,010
You're an only child.
291
00:10:42,012 --> 00:10:44,015
Hey, squids.
292
00:10:44,017 --> 00:10:46,011
Hey, you're a squid, right?
293
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:47,025
Shut the [beep] Up, jerry.
294
00:10:47,027 --> 00:10:49,013
Only child.
295
00:10:49,015 --> 00:10:50,020
Only child.
296
00:10:50,022 --> 00:10:52,028
No twin.
297
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,024
Only child.
298
00:10:54,026 --> 00:10:58,018
[gunshots]
Ha ha ha!
299
00:10:58,020 --> 00:11:01,024
Aw man, I should be outlawed.
Ha-ha!
300
00:11:06,002 --> 00:11:07,014
Captioning made possible
301
00:11:07,016 --> 00:11:09,004
By turner entertainment group
302
00:11:09,006 --> 00:11:11,004
Captioning by the national
Captioning institute
303
00:11:11,006 --> 00:11:12,009
--www.Ncicap.Org--
304
00:11:27,023 --> 00:11:28,012
Skull.
20551
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