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(narrrator) this show
Is called "Squidbillies."
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00:00:03,021 --> 00:00:06,002
It takes place in a quiet
Little town nestled
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In the north georgia mountains.
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00:00:08,017 --> 00:00:10,013
It has a gas station,
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A dance studio,
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A sheriff's office.
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Look!
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There's the sheriff.
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[puffing and coughing]
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Three years from now
He'll die of emphysema.
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♪ he'll die of emphysema
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00:00:26,022 --> 00:00:30,001
♪ three years from now
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That large building over
There is dan halen's sheetrock.
14
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They specialize in sheetrock,
Sheetrock mud, sheetrock screws,
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Pharmaceuticals, petroleum,
Global mass media,
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Third world covert military
Operations, and...
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The baby hammock!
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There's got to be
A better way.
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There is!
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Just connect the razor
Sharp hooks
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To the dangerous mesh cocoon,
And presto!
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(dan halen)
Another dead baby?
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Sue the parents.
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Ha ha ha!
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Take them for every dime.
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By calling the baby hammock
A baby deathtrap,
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The parents had violated
Dan halen's copyright
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On the term
"Baby deathtrap,"
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Which he was
Already using for...
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The baby deathtrap!
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There's got to be
A better way.
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There is.
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Just place your baby next to the
Magical electromonkey.
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♪ oh, go on, they don't care
About that let it go ♪
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(narrator) ahem. All right.
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So, uh, who else lives here?
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There's space baby.
38
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And, uh, snakeman.
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Can't see who he's talking to.
40
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It doesn't really matter.
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That boy is billy morton,
Star of the football team.
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Your daddy whittled you
Some fine limbs, son.
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Hey, watch this.
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[grunting]
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(narrator) they're talking
Playoffs this year.
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Well, I better get to
Practice, sheriff.
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Stay sweet, billy.
48
00:02:04,029 --> 00:02:07,025
I will, sher--
[horn]
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00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:10,007
Oh, damn. There goes
The season.
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[puffing]
This is the story of all
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The people that live
In this mountain town.
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But mostly, it's the story
Of earlie kyler.
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Mmm, sweet, divine,
Delicious.
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Oh, oh, hey!
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Excuse me.
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00:02:25,018 --> 00:02:28,029
You reckon you could give me
Permission to date your pumpkin?
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Get off my porch.
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Get out of your house.
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How do you like that?
You like that? Whoo!
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[screaming]
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Earlie's real story begins
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Fifteen years ago.
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♪ earlie kyler was
A young squid ♪
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♪ a young squid with
His ho mama ♪
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Earlie, baby, I'm gonna
Love you till
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The mountains and
The oceans, like,
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Collide with the sun and, like,
Everything on the earth's
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Dead except for you
And me and our love.
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- hmm. Hey!
- no! Uh-uh.
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00:02:56,012 --> 00:02:59,012
You ain't gonna touch
My front butt.
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00:02:59,014 --> 00:03:03,027
Unless I get one of them sport
Radio things with the ear buds.
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00:03:03,029 --> 00:03:05,010
And the autoreverse!
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[slurp]
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00:03:07,006 --> 00:03:09,004
I can't be joggin' and flippin'
75
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Tapes and drink my sip.
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00:03:11,002 --> 00:03:12,002
[slurp]
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All right, then.
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00:03:15,015 --> 00:03:17,007
Looky here, you give me all
That money you keepin'
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00:03:17,009 --> 00:03:18,020
In that damn robot box.
80
00:03:18,022 --> 00:03:19,020
Give it to me now!
Do it! Do it!
81
00:03:19,022 --> 00:03:21,028
Here you go.
Go on, take it.
82
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,025
Now, can I please have one
Of them walkmans?
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00:03:25,027 --> 00:03:28,000
That'll be $34
If'n you got it.
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00:03:28,002 --> 00:03:29,008
This oughta cover it.
85
00:03:29,010 --> 00:03:31,000
Oh, that's--
Thanks, earlie.
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00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:32,008
Ain't no earlie here!
87
00:03:32,010 --> 00:03:33,010
Give me all that money!
88
00:03:33,012 --> 00:03:35,023
Do it! Let's go!
Do it! Do it! Now! Now!
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00:03:35,025 --> 00:03:36,028
Take it all.
Just don't hurt me.
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00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,000
Thank you, boyd.
91
00:03:38,002 --> 00:03:40,016
We'll see you in church.
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00:03:40,018 --> 00:03:41,020
Bye, earlie.
93
00:03:41,022 --> 00:03:42,023
[pleasured moaning]
94
00:03:42,025 --> 00:03:46,003
That night the couple made
Sweet, sweet love.
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00:03:46,016 --> 00:03:47,017
Ow. Ow.
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00:03:47,019 --> 00:03:48,022
Without earlie.
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Baby doll?
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00:03:49,021 --> 00:03:50,024
Baby doll?
99
00:03:50,026 --> 00:03:51,024
You in there?
100
00:03:51,026 --> 00:03:54,018
I got some real special
Words for you.
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Baby doll, will you marry me?
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00:03:57,014 --> 00:03:59,017
[creaking, sloshing]
103
00:03:59,019 --> 00:04:01,012
Yeah, I guess.
104
00:04:01,014 --> 00:04:03,004
And bring me that tape player!
105
00:04:03,006 --> 00:04:04,011
Give it here.
106
00:04:04,013 --> 00:04:05,021
Now, which end
You want me on?
107
00:04:05,023 --> 00:04:08,005
Oh, you ain't gimme
No tape cassette.
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00:04:08,007 --> 00:04:11,016
Oh, flip tapes I know--
Flappin' cake tape capes--
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Tape cassette.
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Camper van who billy what?
111
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,007
Hell no!
112
00:04:16,009 --> 00:04:17,009
Did you hear me?
113
00:04:17,011 --> 00:04:18,020
I said bad company.
114
00:04:18,022 --> 00:04:20,003
"10 from 6".
115
00:04:20,005 --> 00:04:20,029
Now move!
116
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Let's go, let's go.
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I'm doing it, I'm doing it.
118
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You even believe in this mess?
119
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Oh, what about a damn
Headache powder.
120
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Do your damn job.
121
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[gunshots]
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Sheriff, hey, it's me, earlie.
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Earlie kyler spent the next
15 years in prison.
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♪ a time, a time
Boy now doing time ♪
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1 and 2 and 3 and twirl.
126
00:04:48,003 --> 00:04:49,017
2 and--no, no, no.
127
00:04:49,019 --> 00:04:51,004
You twirl on 4!
128
00:04:51,006 --> 00:04:52,014
This ain't gon'
Be worth a damn.
129
00:04:52,016 --> 00:04:54,007
1 and 2 and 3 and twirl.
130
00:04:54,009 --> 00:04:57,015
Meanwhile, earlie's dear
Fiancee waited for him.
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For 12.14 seconds.
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00:05:00,012 --> 00:05:03,021
Oh, my god it's even
Got a jog timer.
133
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I'm gonna be a jogger.
134
00:05:06,008 --> 00:05:10,023
And with this free one year
Subscription digital watch,
135
00:05:10,025 --> 00:05:12,023
I now pronounce you...
136
00:05:12,025 --> 00:05:15,004
...Man of snakeish descent
137
00:05:15,006 --> 00:05:16,027
And--
- oh, hey!
138
00:05:16,029 --> 00:05:18,001
(reverend):
Lordy.
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00:05:18,003 --> 00:05:20,021
She was carrying the fruit
Of earlie's efforts.
140
00:05:22,014 --> 00:05:24,015
Oh, thank god you're here.
Please help!
141
00:05:24,017 --> 00:05:25,006
- not him.
142
00:05:25,008 --> 00:05:26,010
No, wait, don't leave, no!
143
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Him.
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00:05:27,004 --> 00:05:28,022
Please, no!
145
00:05:28,024 --> 00:05:32,004
Unbeknownst to earlie,
A child was born, a son.
146
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Hey, good luck
With that crap.
147
00:05:36,022 --> 00:05:38,004
Go, go, go, go, go!
148
00:05:38,006 --> 00:05:40,009
The boy was left with
Earlie's sister lil.
149
00:05:40,011 --> 00:05:46,018
She ran a beauty parlor/boiled
Peanut-ery off 575.
150
00:05:46,020 --> 00:05:49,012
Aw, look at him.
151
00:05:51,001 --> 00:05:52,014
Where's my damn chicken?
152
00:05:52,016 --> 00:05:54,024
[crying]
153
00:05:54,026 --> 00:05:59,012
♪ little baby boy rusty
And she raised him up ♪
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♪ as best
She could ♪
155
00:06:06,024 --> 00:06:09,009
Damn, lil, that boy can perm.
156
00:06:09,011 --> 00:06:11,011
How much do I owe you?
157
00:06:14,011 --> 00:06:15,017
Hmm. Hey, lil?
158
00:06:15,019 --> 00:06:16,024
Excuse me.
159
00:06:16,026 --> 00:06:21,006
Did you know that moonshine is
Illegal in this county here?
160
00:06:21,008 --> 00:06:23,018
Oh, that's just my meth lab.
161
00:06:23,020 --> 00:06:24,020
Huh.
162
00:06:24,022 --> 00:06:27,002
You know what it looks
Like from here?
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A mortal eye of god collapsing
Into itself with the insatiable
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Color of the soul forever warmed
In never-ending oneness.
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[talking faster]
And listen, that's not to reject
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The one, 'cause I--
[speaking gibberish]
167
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I'm saved!
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00:06:37,027 --> 00:06:40,025
Aah!
169
00:06:40,027 --> 00:06:43,028
Turns out rusty had shampooed
The sheriff with over half a
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Million dollars of crystal meth.
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[chainsaw buzzing]
Smoke his head!
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00:06:48,028 --> 00:06:51,003
So the state stepped in
And placed rusty
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In a more positive environment.
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When I was little, we didn't
Have fancy ketchup.
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00:06:56,020 --> 00:06:58,015
We just had ketchup.
176
00:06:58,017 --> 00:07:02,023
We used to make it out in the
Back out of opossum tails.
177
00:07:02,025 --> 00:07:04,026
Only we just called it blood.
178
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Is that right, now?
179
00:07:06,006 --> 00:07:07,019
Hey, granny, I gotta get.
180
00:07:07,021 --> 00:07:10,026
I'll have mongolian beef,
Side order of sow chow chicken,
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00:07:10,028 --> 00:07:14,013
Spring vegetable, and I don't
Want any sesame seeds in it
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And the princess rolls.
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00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,021
Yeah, well, that's nice,
Granny.
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00:07:18,023 --> 00:07:19,016
I gotta go.
185
00:07:19,018 --> 00:07:20,012
I gotta get on out of here.
186
00:07:20,014 --> 00:07:21,010
I'll see you later, ok?
187
00:07:21,012 --> 00:07:23,001
Oh, that's god's truth.
188
00:07:23,003 --> 00:07:24,024
When jesus was president,
189
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:26,027
He ate babies all the time.
190
00:07:27,019 --> 00:07:28,017
Boy, look at the time.
191
00:07:28,019 --> 00:07:29,009
Wait a minute.
192
00:07:29,011 --> 00:07:31,008
Was that satan?
193
00:07:31,010 --> 00:07:33,001
One of them ate babies.
194
00:07:33,003 --> 00:07:34,010
Ok, I gotta go.
195
00:07:34,012 --> 00:07:35,022
[glass crashing]
196
00:07:36,029 --> 00:07:39,012
[screaming]
197
00:07:40,023 --> 00:07:44,007
Welll, I just had me a gigasm.
198
00:07:45,013 --> 00:07:48,020
♪ boredom and loneliness
Boredom and loneliness
199
00:07:48,022 --> 00:07:51,025
♪ boredom and loneliness
Boredom and loneliness
200
00:07:51,027 --> 00:07:55,011
♪ boredom and loneliness
201
00:07:55,013 --> 00:07:59,003
♪ it's lonely
202
00:08:01,004 --> 00:08:03,019
♪ when you're with your granny
203
00:08:03,021 --> 00:08:07,015
And that's when a wolf
Saved his life.
204
00:08:07,017 --> 00:08:09,010
And then ate his face.
205
00:08:09,012 --> 00:08:11,004
♪ it's a wolf attack
206
00:08:11,006 --> 00:08:13,020
For the next 11 years,
Rusty was raised by wolves.
207
00:08:13,022 --> 00:08:14,017
I'm doing it.
208
00:08:14,019 --> 00:08:15,028
Look at me, I'm doing it.
209
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:16,029
Horribly.
210
00:08:17,001 --> 00:08:18,005
No, daddy, no!
211
00:08:18,007 --> 00:08:22,003
And then the tooth fairy will
Come and bring me money?
212
00:08:22,005 --> 00:08:23,019
[growl]
Where's he do it?
213
00:08:23,021 --> 00:08:25,014
Right here?
Aah!
214
00:08:25,016 --> 00:08:28,000
So, babies don't
Come out the butt?
215
00:08:33,025 --> 00:08:36,013
But this time it was rusty
Who had the upper hand,
216
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:40,006
Having filled his body with
300 pounds of nitroglycerin,
217
00:08:40,008 --> 00:08:43,012
Rusty blew all the wolves
And much of the forest
218
00:08:43,014 --> 00:08:45,027
Into a fine brown mist.
219
00:08:45,029 --> 00:08:49,029
Fortunately for the wolves,
This was but a dream.
220
00:08:50,001 --> 00:08:52,012
[rock music playing]
All right!
221
00:08:52,014 --> 00:08:53,022
I'm in rush!
222
00:08:53,024 --> 00:08:55,009
Pass the jug, baby.
223
00:08:55,011 --> 00:08:57,002
This, too, was a dream.
224
00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:58,017
Oh, god.
225
00:08:58,019 --> 00:09:00,004
I had the weirdest damn dream.
226
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:01,014
I was in that band rush.
227
00:09:01,016 --> 00:09:02,021
Granny was there.
228
00:09:02,023 --> 00:09:05,026
And I yelled,
"Show me your tatas!"
229
00:09:05,028 --> 00:09:07,008
She done it.
230
00:09:07,010 --> 00:09:08,012
Oh, god, and I liked it.
231
00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:09,023
You're butt-ass naked.
232
00:09:09,025 --> 00:09:10,023
No, I ain't.
233
00:09:10,025 --> 00:09:12,002
Oh, my god!
234
00:09:12,004 --> 00:09:12,026
Dream.
235
00:09:12,028 --> 00:09:14,005
Aah!
236
00:09:14,007 --> 00:09:15,020
This actually happened.
237
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:17,019
[grunting and groaning]
You so soft.
238
00:09:19,022 --> 00:09:20,021
This looks real.
239
00:09:20,023 --> 00:09:23,007
♪ let's just put him here
240
00:09:23,009 --> 00:09:24,015
(narrator):
Ok, sure, put him here.
241
00:09:24,017 --> 00:09:26,022
♪ it will be fun
242
00:09:29,022 --> 00:09:30,028
(rusty): daddy?
243
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:31,028
- son?
244
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:32,028
You're my daddy.
245
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:33,025
It's a boy!
246
00:09:33,027 --> 00:09:34,024
I got a daddy!
247
00:09:34,026 --> 00:09:36,001
I got real family, boys!
248
00:09:36,003 --> 00:09:37,000
I'm a daddy!
249
00:09:37,002 --> 00:09:39,003
I'm a dad--
250
00:09:39,005 --> 00:09:40,029
Daddy, I love you so much.
251
00:09:41,001 --> 00:09:43,015
Hey, over here.
252
00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:45,001
You ain't got no hair, damn!
253
00:09:45,003 --> 00:09:46,020
Don't question
The work of the lord.
254
00:09:46,022 --> 00:09:50,009
All right, I guess I love
You, daddy.
255
00:09:51,003 --> 00:09:52,021
But you call me.
256
00:09:52,023 --> 00:09:55,026
[sniff]
If that don't touch my heart.
257
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,011
You done your time, earlie.
258
00:09:58,013 --> 00:09:59,021
So, you go on.
259
00:09:59,023 --> 00:10:01,007
You be with your kin now.
260
00:10:01,009 --> 00:10:02,013
Thank you kindly, sheriff.
261
00:10:02,015 --> 00:10:04,004
Aah!
262
00:10:04,006 --> 00:10:05,016
Now whose toothbrush was it?!
263
00:10:05,018 --> 00:10:07,013
Whoo!
264
00:10:08,014 --> 00:10:10,026
That's how you deal
With the unwanteds.
265
00:10:10,028 --> 00:10:12,011
[screeching]
266
00:10:12,013 --> 00:10:15,019
Ah, that touches my heart, too.
267
00:10:15,021 --> 00:10:19,014
Go on, be free.
268
00:10:19,016 --> 00:10:22,009
You're just making it harder,
About to stay around here...
269
00:10:24,001 --> 00:10:27,018
And so the squids settled
Into a normal family life.
270
00:10:27,020 --> 00:10:29,017
Daddy, I got a date with
Tanya tonight,
271
00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:30,018
But it's the same
Night I'm supposed
272
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,020
To have a date with tara.
273
00:10:31,022 --> 00:10:33,022
And don't neither one
Of them know I'm a squid.
274
00:10:33,024 --> 00:10:35,011
What I'm gonna do?
275
00:10:35,013 --> 00:10:37,023
Son, come over here and sit
On your daddy's knee.
276
00:10:39,009 --> 00:10:43,004
You think you're safe over there
Hiding behind them hispanics?
277
00:10:43,006 --> 00:10:44,007
- huh?
- looky here.
278
00:10:44,009 --> 00:10:46,018
You know what this
Here tattoo means?
279
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:49,008
You see this creature with the
Eyes in the back of his head?
280
00:10:49,010 --> 00:10:50,008
What now?
281
00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:51,028
It means that the minute you
Turn your back,
282
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,028
I'm gonna beat you!
- no, daddy! No!
283
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,007
I'm gonna beat your
Ass in the yard.
284
00:10:55,009 --> 00:10:56,019
Ain't no damn guards gonna
Stop me, hell, no!
285
00:10:56,021 --> 00:10:58,001
- daddy, stop it!
- I've got you!
286
00:10:58,003 --> 00:10:59,011
Your ass is mine!
287
00:10:59,013 --> 00:11:00,017
Don't you know your own kin?
288
00:11:00,019 --> 00:11:02,003
Some boys like syrup,
But I like jelly.
289
00:11:02,005 --> 00:11:02,023
Jelly!
290
00:11:02,025 --> 00:11:03,017
You're home, earlie.
291
00:11:03,019 --> 00:11:04,014
You're home.
292
00:11:04,016 --> 00:11:05,022
You're not inside anymore.
293
00:11:05,024 --> 00:11:07,006
That's your boy, rusty.
294
00:11:07,008 --> 00:11:08,015
Huh? What?
295
00:11:08,017 --> 00:11:09,019
Oh.
296
00:11:09,021 --> 00:11:11,010
Daddy?
297
00:11:11,012 --> 00:11:12,016
Hey.
298
00:11:12,018 --> 00:11:14,007
[captioning made possible by
Turner entertainment group]
299
00:11:16,012 --> 00:11:18,003
[captioned by the national
Captioning institute
300
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:22,007
--www.Ncicap.Org--]
20322
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