Original subtitles

(narrrator) this show Is called "Squidbillies."

It takes place in a quiet Little town nestled

In the north georgia mountains.

It has a gas station,

A dance studio,

A sheriff's office.

Look!

There's the sheriff.

[puffing and coughing]

Three years from now He'll die of emphysema.

♪ he'll die of emphysema

♪ three years from now

That large building over There is dan halen's sheetrock.

They specialize in sheetrock, Sheetrock mud, sheetrock screws,

Pharmaceuticals, petroleum, Global mass media,

Third world covert military Operations, and...

The baby hammock!

There's got to be A better way.

There is!

Just connect the razor Sharp hooks

To the dangerous mesh cocoon, And presto!

(dan halen) Another dead baby?

Sue the parents.

Ha ha ha!

Take them for every dime.

By calling the baby hammock A baby deathtrap,

The parents had violated Dan halen's copyright

On the term "Baby deathtrap,"

Which he was Already using for...

The baby deathtrap!

There's got to be A better way.

There is.

Just place your baby next to the Magical electromonkey.

♪ oh, go on, they don't care About that let it go ♪

(narrator) ahem. All right.

So, uh, who else lives here?

There's space baby.

And, uh, snakeman.

Can't see who he's talking to.

It doesn't really matter.

That boy is billy morton, Star of the football team.

Your daddy whittled you Some fine limbs, son.

Hey, watch this.

[grunting]

(narrator) they're talking Playoffs this year.

Well, I better get to Practice, sheriff.

Stay sweet, billy.

I will, sher-- [horn]

Oh, damn. There goes The season.

[puffing] This is the story of all

The people that live In this mountain town.

But mostly, it's the story Of earlie kyler.

Mmm, sweet, divine, Delicious.

Oh, oh, hey!

Excuse me.

You reckon you could give me Permission to date your pumpkin?

Get off my porch.

Get out of your house.

How do you like that? You like that? Whoo!

[screaming]

Earlie's real story begins

Fifteen years ago.

♪ earlie kyler was A young squid ♪

♪ a young squid with His ho mama ♪

Earlie, baby, I'm gonna Love you till

The mountains and The oceans, like,

Collide with the sun and, like, Everything on the earth's

Dead except for you And me and our love.

- hmm. Hey! - no! Uh-uh.

You ain't gonna touch My front butt.

Unless I get one of them sport Radio things with the ear buds.

And the autoreverse!

[slurp]

I can't be joggin' and flippin'

Tapes and drink my sip.

[slurp]

All right, then.

Looky here, you give me all That money you keepin'

In that damn robot box.

Give it to me now! Do it! Do it!

Here you go. Go on, take it.

Now, can I please have one Of them walkmans?

That'll be $34 If'n you got it.

This oughta cover it.

Oh, that's-- Thanks, earlie.

Ain't no earlie here!

Give me all that money!

Do it! Let's go! Do it! Do it! Now! Now!

Take it all. Just don't hurt me.

Thank you, boyd.

We'll see you in church.

Bye, earlie.

[pleasured moaning]

That night the couple made Sweet, sweet love.

Ow. Ow.

Without earlie.

Baby doll?

Baby doll?

You in there?

I got some real special Words for you.

Baby doll, will you marry me?

[creaking, sloshing]

Yeah, I guess.

And bring me that tape player!

Give it here.

Now, which end You want me on?

Oh, you ain't gimme No tape cassette.

Oh, flip tapes I know-- Flappin' cake tape capes--

Tape cassette.

Camper van who billy what?

Hell no!

Did you hear me?

I said bad company.

"10 from 6".

Now move!

Let's go, let's go.

I'm doing it, I'm doing it.

You even believe in this mess?

Oh, what about a damn Headache powder.

Do your damn job.

[gunshots]

Sheriff, hey, it's me, earlie.

Earlie kyler spent the next 15 years in prison.

♪ a time, a time Boy now doing time ♪

1 and 2 and 3 and twirl.

2 and--no, no, no.

You twirl on 4!

This ain't gon' Be worth a damn.

1 and 2 and 3 and twirl.

Meanwhile, earlie's dear Fiancee waited for him.

For 12.14 seconds.

Oh, my god it's even Got a jog timer.

I'm gonna be a jogger.

And with this free one year Subscription digital watch,

I now pronounce you...

...Man of snakeish descent

And-- - oh, hey!

(reverend): Lordy.

She was carrying the fruit Of earlie's efforts.

Oh, thank god you're here. Please help!

- not him.

No, wait, don't leave, no!

Him.

Please, no!

Unbeknownst to earlie, A child was born, a son.

Hey, good luck With that crap.

Go, go, go, go, go!

The boy was left with Earlie's sister lil.

She ran a beauty parlor/boiled Peanut-ery off 575.

Aw, look at him.

Where's my damn chicken?

[crying]

♪ little baby boy rusty And she raised him up ♪

♪ as best She could ♪

Damn, lil, that boy can perm.

How much do I owe you?

Hmm. Hey, lil?

Excuse me.

Did you know that moonshine is Illegal in this county here?

Oh, that's just my meth lab.

Huh.

You know what it looks Like from here?

A mortal eye of god collapsing Into itself with the insatiable

Color of the soul forever warmed In never-ending oneness.

[talking faster] And listen, that's not to reject

The one, 'cause I-- [speaking gibberish]

I'm saved!

Aah!

Turns out rusty had shampooed The sheriff with over half a

Million dollars of crystal meth.

[chainsaw buzzing] Smoke his head!

So the state stepped in And placed rusty

In a more positive environment.

When I was little, we didn't Have fancy ketchup.

We just had ketchup.

We used to make it out in the Back out of opossum tails.

Only we just called it blood.

Is that right, now?

Hey, granny, I gotta get.

I'll have mongolian beef, Side order of sow chow chicken,

Spring vegetable, and I don't Want any sesame seeds in it

And the princess rolls.

Yeah, well, that's nice, Granny.

I gotta go.

I gotta get on out of here.

I'll see you later, ok?

Oh, that's god's truth.

When jesus was president,

He ate babies all the time.

Boy, look at the time.

Wait a minute.

Was that satan?

One of them ate babies.

Ok, I gotta go.

[glass crashing]

[screaming]

Welll, I just had me a gigasm.

♪ boredom and loneliness Boredom and loneliness

♪ boredom and loneliness Boredom and loneliness

♪ boredom and loneliness

♪ it's lonely

♪ when you're with your granny

And that's when a wolf Saved his life.

And then ate his face.

♪ it's a wolf attack

For the next 11 years, Rusty was raised by wolves.

I'm doing it.

Look at me, I'm doing it.

Horribly.

No, daddy, no!

And then the tooth fairy will Come and bring me money?

[growl] Where's he do it?

Right here? Aah!

So, babies don't Come out the butt?

But this time it was rusty Who had the upper hand,

Having filled his body with 300 pounds of nitroglycerin,

Rusty blew all the wolves And much of the forest

Into a fine brown mist.

Fortunately for the wolves, This was but a dream.

[rock music playing] All right!

I'm in rush!

Pass the jug, baby.

This, too, was a dream.

Oh, god.

I had the weirdest damn dream.

I was in that band rush.

Granny was there.

And I yelled, "Show me your tatas!"

She done it.

Oh, god, and I liked it.

You're butt-ass naked.

No, I ain't.

Oh, my god!

Dream.

Aah!

This actually happened.

[grunting and groaning] You so soft.

This looks real.

♪ let's just put him here

(narrator): Ok, sure, put him here.

♪ it will be fun

(rusty): daddy?

- son?

You're my daddy.

It's a boy!

I got a daddy!

I got real family, boys!

I'm a daddy!

I'm a dad--

Daddy, I love you so much.

Hey, over here.

You ain't got no hair, damn!

Don't question The work of the lord.

All right, I guess I love You, daddy.

But you call me.

[sniff] If that don't touch my heart.

You done your time, earlie.

So, you go on.

You be with your kin now.

Thank you kindly, sheriff.

Aah!

Now whose toothbrush was it?!

Whoo!

That's how you deal With the unwanteds.

[screeching]

Ah, that touches my heart, too.

Go on, be free.

You're just making it harder, About to stay around here...

And so the squids settled Into a normal family life.

Daddy, I got a date with Tanya tonight,

But it's the same Night I'm supposed

To have a date with tara.

And don't neither one Of them know I'm a squid.

What I'm gonna do?

Son, come over here and sit On your daddy's knee.

You think you're safe over there Hiding behind them hispanics?

- huh? - looky here.

You know what this Here tattoo means?

You see this creature with the Eyes in the back of his head?

What now?

It means that the minute you Turn your back,

I'm gonna beat you! - no, daddy! No!

I'm gonna beat your Ass in the yard.

Ain't no damn guards gonna Stop me, hell, no!

- daddy, stop it! - I've got you!

Your ass is mine!

Don't you know your own kin?

Some boys like syrup, But I like jelly.

Jelly!

You're home, earlie.

You're home.

You're not inside anymore.

That's your boy, rusty.

Huh? What?

Oh.

Daddy?

Hey.

[captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group]

[captioned by the national Captioning institute

--www.Ncicap.Org--]