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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:05,759 [music playing] 2 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,720 [theme music] 3 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:33,960 [dive bomb sound] 4 00:00:34,079 --> 00:00:36,920 [explosion] 5 00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:39,280 [birds chirping] 6 00:00:39,399 --> 00:00:43,399 MAN (ON TELEVISION): It really is extraordinary. 7 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:48,240 Strange, short emissions which the patient shouts 8 00:00:48,359 --> 00:00:51,640 out seemingly involuntarily. 9 00:00:51,759 --> 00:00:54,119 Fart! 10 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:55,600 Arse! 11 00:00:55,719 --> 00:00:57,600 Arse! 12 00:00:57,719 --> 00:00:59,000 [inaudible]. 13 00:00:59,119 --> 00:00:59,920 Carolers? 14 00:01:03,039 --> 00:01:04,159 Dougal, there's nothing on. 15 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,200 Why don't you read a book or something? 16 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:06,120 DOUGAL MCGUIRE: All right. 17 00:01:18,239 --> 00:01:19,040 No, Dougal. 18 00:01:19,159 --> 00:01:22,079 Read a different book. 19 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,000 Actually, Ted. 20 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,319 It's been a few minutes. 21 00:01:24,439 --> 00:01:26,760 I'll see if there's anything good on now. 22 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:28,120 Honestly, Dougal. 23 00:01:28,239 --> 00:01:29,799 You've got to broaden your mind a little bit. 24 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:30,920 What are you reading, anyway? 25 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,879 Actually, I'm rereading it. 26 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,400 William Shatner, "Tech Wars." 27 00:01:36,519 --> 00:01:39,319 [music playing] 28 00:01:40,359 --> 00:01:42,120 Oh, no. This idgit. 29 00:01:43,879 --> 00:01:49,239 (SINGING) My lovely me own mammy, so gentle and so wise. 30 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:54,200 Rocking on your rocking chair, baking cakes and pies. 31 00:01:54,319 --> 00:01:57,200 My lovely me own mammy. 32 00:01:57,319 --> 00:02:01,159 My lovely, lovely me own mam. 33 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,159 Eek! 34 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:04,120 It's Eoin! 35 00:02:04,239 --> 00:02:05,120 Oh! 36 00:02:05,239 --> 00:02:06,040 Oh, Father. 37 00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:07,120 Isn't he lovely? 38 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,439 He's a brilliant dancer as well. 39 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:16,360 Eh. 40 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,199 [applause] 41 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,960 Now it's time to announce the winner of my fabulous poetry 42 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,759 competition. MRS. DOYLE: Oh. 43 00:02:29,879 --> 00:02:31,520 EOIN MCLOVE: You had to write a poem about me, 44 00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:33,360 and the prize is that I call round to the winner's 45 00:02:33,479 --> 00:02:35,280 house for a lovely cup of tea. 46 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,159 TED CRILLY: God, can you imagine that? 47 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,120 Oh, god. 48 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,639 So over I go to my poetry corner. 49 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:49,639 OK, here it is. 50 00:02:49,759 --> 00:02:51,520 This week's winner. 51 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:54,000 "Eoin McLove is his name. 52 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:56,560 Singing songs is his game. 53 00:02:56,680 --> 00:03:00,800 Someday I will say hello, and for a cup of tea we will go." 54 00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:01,680 CROWD: Aw. 55 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:07,240 And the winner is Mrs. O'Neil from Kildare. 56 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:11,719 And it says here she's 110 years old. 57 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,599 And she also asks me what my favorite things in the world 58 00:03:14,719 --> 00:03:16,159 are. 59 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:21,960 And I'd have to say, well, uh, jumpers and, uh, cakes. 60 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:22,960 Oh, no. 61 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:23,840 What's this? 62 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:28,639 It's a little puppy with a broken paw. 63 00:03:28,759 --> 00:03:30,439 CROWD: Aw. 64 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,280 I'd better go home and nurse it back to health. 65 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:34,400 Goodbye, everybody. 66 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:35,280 CROWD: Bye! 67 00:03:37,719 --> 00:03:38,919 TED CRILLY: Hard luck, Mrs. Doyle. 68 00:03:39,039 --> 00:03:40,439 Maybe next time. 69 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:41,879 There's one of his songs reminds 70 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,039 me of the time my husband-- 71 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,080 I've said too much. 72 00:03:51,199 --> 00:03:53,400 I'll just Go and listen to his latest album. 73 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:54,840 He's brilliant! 74 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:00,719 [laughs]. 75 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:01,919 Women. 76 00:04:02,039 --> 00:04:02,840 Where? 77 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,400 No, I-- I mean women. 78 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:12,319 Oh, right. 79 00:04:12,439 --> 00:04:13,199 Yeah. 80 00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:14,960 Women. 81 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:15,840 Tchyeah. 82 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,480 Tchyeah. 83 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,959 You can't live with them, and you can't live without them. 84 00:04:20,079 --> 00:04:21,360 Yeah. 85 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:24,560 But there definitely aren't any women in here. 86 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,439 No, you're fine. 87 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:28,800 Do you know what? 88 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,399 I could write a poem and send it into that show. 89 00:04:30,519 --> 00:04:31,879 Let's be honest. 90 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,879 The poetry Mrs. Doyle writes is bound to be hopeless. 91 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,199 What would you write about? 92 00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:38,240 Well, Dougal. 93 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,120 Inspiration can come from so many places. 94 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,600 [music playing] 95 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,079 [knocking] 96 00:04:46,199 --> 00:04:49,040 [melancholy music] 97 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,480 [door slam] 98 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:08,360 MRS. DOYLE: Ah! 99 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:17,800 TED CRILLY: No, no, no, no. 100 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,480 Father Nolan was in the gas explosion. 101 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,560 Punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. 102 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:23,680 When they found him afterwards, they were only able to identify 103 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,279 him by his dental records. 104 00:05:26,399 --> 00:05:27,399 Poor Father Nolan. 105 00:05:27,519 --> 00:05:28,399 Yes, he's very low at the moment. 106 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,120 (MUMBLING) Eoin McLove's coming to Craggy Island. 107 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:38,560 He's coming to Craggy Island. 108 00:05:40,399 --> 00:05:42,120 Calm down, Mrs. Doyle. Let it-- what was that again? 109 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:43,600 Eoin McLove's coming to Craggy Island. 110 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,399 He's coming to Craggy Island and he read out my poem. 111 00:05:45,519 --> 00:05:47,240 Your poem? 112 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:50,279 Well, I-- I wrote it as a surprise, but it was my poem. 113 00:05:50,399 --> 00:05:51,199 No, no. 114 00:05:51,319 --> 00:05:53,240 It's mine. 115 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:54,240 I'm sorry. 116 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:55,680 I'm sorry, Mrs. Doyle. 117 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:56,720 I don't think so. 118 00:05:56,839 --> 00:05:57,959 What was the first line? 119 00:05:58,079 --> 00:06:00,199 "Eoin McLove has a happy face." 120 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:05,800 - That's not my poem. - No. 121 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:06,800 It's mine! 122 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,759 [laughs] 123 00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:14,639 I'm hugely confused, Ted. 124 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,319 The only thing I can think of that must have happened 125 00:06:20,439 --> 00:06:23,959 is that Mrs. Doyle's poem was better than yours. 126 00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:27,319 Well, that couldn't be, could it? 127 00:06:27,439 --> 00:06:31,040 That your poem was actually worse than Mrs. Doyle's? 128 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,160 That just couldn't happen, could it, Ted? 129 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:37,720 [music playing] 130 00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:39,120 Could it? 131 00:07:14,439 --> 00:07:15,920 - When's he coming? - [shriek] 132 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:17,480 When's he coming? Tell us. 133 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:18,439 I can't. 134 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:19,319 It's a secret. 135 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,560 Thursday. 136 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,959 Friday. 137 00:07:24,079 --> 00:07:26,079 Saturday? 138 00:07:26,199 --> 00:07:27,879 Sunday? 139 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,720 Aha. 140 00:07:29,839 --> 00:07:31,240 He wouldn't want anybody to know. 141 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:32,759 You won't tell anyone, will you? 142 00:07:32,879 --> 00:07:34,480 I swear I won't tell anyone. 143 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,240 May I be struck down with every disease 144 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,319 that it is known for middle age woman to suffer from. 145 00:07:38,439 --> 00:07:40,040 As you and I know, Mrs. Doyle, that's 146 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,240 a hell of a lot of diseases. 147 00:07:44,199 --> 00:07:47,560 [mumbling] 148 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,560 [morse code tapping] 149 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,040 [mumbling] 150 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,560 [typing] 151 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,560 [mumbling] 152 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,040 [pigeons cooing] 153 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,040 [wings flapping] 154 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:02,519 [mumbling] 155 00:08:02,639 --> 00:08:04,040 [boat engine] 156 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,519 [clicking] 157 00:08:06,639 --> 00:08:09,000 [boat engine] 158 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:12,519 [mumbling] 159 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:21,480 Eek! 160 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:26,600 I think he's just pulled up, Ted. 161 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,040 The good news is he can only afford 162 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:29,879 a crappy blue Ford Cortina. 163 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,879 Imagine going around in that thing. 164 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,039 - That's my car. - Oh, right. 165 00:08:35,159 --> 00:08:38,960 Still, you know what I mean. 166 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:40,759 Mrs. Doyle! He's here! 167 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:49,799 Is this the place? 168 00:08:49,919 --> 00:08:51,600 What is it, some kind of mental hospital? 169 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:53,039 No, it's a parochial house. 170 00:08:53,159 --> 00:08:55,200 This week's winner is the priest's housekeeper. 171 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:56,919 Better prepare the ground. 172 00:08:57,039 --> 00:08:57,919 So what's the story, then? 173 00:08:58,039 --> 00:08:59,399 Do I have to walk to the door? 174 00:08:59,519 --> 00:09:00,559 PATTY: Yes. 175 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:01,879 I have to walk to the door meself? 176 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,120 Yes, Eoin. 177 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:04,879 You have to walk to the door yourself. 178 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:15,559 Mr. McLove will not allow any photographic record 179 00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:17,240 of the event apart from one official picture 180 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:18,559 for advertising purposes. 181 00:09:18,679 --> 00:09:20,840 Mr. McLove will not sign autographs in ink. 182 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,080 Mr. McLove is not an equal opportunity employer. 183 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,320 [phone ringing] 184 00:09:28,279 --> 00:09:29,360 Hello? 185 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:30,519 MAN (ON PHONE): Hello, is Patty there? 186 00:09:30,639 --> 00:09:32,159 Yes, Eoin. This is Patty. 187 00:09:32,279 --> 00:09:33,120 This is Eoin here. 188 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,759 I'm in the hall now. 189 00:09:34,879 --> 00:09:36,279 Is someone going to let me in, or will I knock on the door, 190 00:09:36,399 --> 00:09:38,720 or what? 191 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,879 Now, Dougal, he's our guest. 192 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:41,879 Let's do this for Mrs. Doyle. 193 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:42,799 Yeah, I know. 194 00:09:42,919 --> 00:09:43,879 I know. 195 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:44,759 I'm Eoin McLove. 196 00:09:44,879 --> 00:09:45,679 That's who I am. 197 00:09:45,799 --> 00:09:46,559 Hello, Eoin. 198 00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:47,759 You're very welcome. 199 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:48,759 PATTY: Right. 200 00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:50,120 Well, I'll leave you alone then. 201 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,159 I talk to these two? 202 00:09:51,279 --> 00:09:52,519 Yes, Eoin. 203 00:09:52,639 --> 00:09:53,840 What'll I do if the old one says something 204 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:54,840 and I don't know what to say back to him? 205 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:55,799 PATTY: Just-- just-- 206 00:09:55,919 --> 00:09:57,080 I don't know. 207 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,320 What about the thick looking one? 208 00:09:58,440 --> 00:09:59,360 He's looking a bit weird. 209 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:00,279 PATTY: Eoin! 210 00:10:03,039 --> 00:10:03,840 I smell wee. 211 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:07,039 Where's that from? 212 00:10:07,159 --> 00:10:08,240 It's this one here. 213 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,159 This one smells of wee. 214 00:10:10,279 --> 00:10:13,159 [growling] 215 00:10:15,759 --> 00:10:16,879 Best step away there. 216 00:10:19,799 --> 00:10:22,840 So where's the winner then so I can go home and have me tea? 217 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,960 Actually, you can have your tea here. 218 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,799 Uh, Mrs. Doyle! 219 00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:29,759 [clattering] 220 00:10:30,799 --> 00:10:33,600 [glass breaking] 221 00:10:35,159 --> 00:10:37,000 Hello. 222 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,440 [thud] 223 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:42,360 Brilliant. 224 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:43,480 She fell on her arse. 225 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:50,039 [supernatural music] 226 00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:04,200 [music playing] 227 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:07,440 EOIN MCLOVE: 58 59, 60. 228 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:08,559 Right. 229 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:09,679 That's your 20 minutes up. I'm off. 230 00:11:09,799 --> 00:11:12,240 Don't try to stop me. - Um, Eoin. 231 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,200 Uh, did you enjoy your tea? 232 00:11:15,159 --> 00:11:15,720 EOIN MCLOVE: But-- yeah. 233 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:16,440 I don't know. 234 00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:17,480 Whatever. 235 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:18,399 I want to go now. 236 00:11:18,519 --> 00:11:19,759 It's getting dark. 237 00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:21,320 You're not afraid of the dark, are you? 238 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,919 It's only because the sun goes, uh, it-- it-- 239 00:11:24,039 --> 00:11:26,039 there's this-- it-- it-- 240 00:11:26,159 --> 00:11:27,279 it's got something to do with clouds. 241 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:31,080 I want to get out. 242 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,679 How do you get out? 243 00:11:32,799 --> 00:11:35,000 Eoin, before you go, uh, was there another poem 244 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:36,679 that was very good this week? 245 00:11:36,799 --> 00:11:38,200 What-- no. 246 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,480 Are you sure? 247 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,000 The only other one I remember was from this lunatic. 248 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,159 We had to call the police in because it was so demented. 249 00:11:46,279 --> 00:11:47,639 No, that-- that couldn't be it, no. 250 00:11:47,759 --> 00:11:49,039 Anyway, I'm going to stop talking to you 251 00:11:49,159 --> 00:11:50,679 now because I don't know what else to say to you. 252 00:11:50,799 --> 00:11:52,440 Hello, is Patty there? 253 00:11:58,159 --> 00:12:00,000 Eoin, you don't need to keep talking to me on the mobile, 254 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,279 you know. I'm right beside you. 255 00:12:01,399 --> 00:12:02,799 EOIN MCLOVE: What? This is a very bad line. 256 00:12:02,919 --> 00:12:04,639 Patty? 257 00:12:04,759 --> 00:12:05,639 Oh, no. 258 00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:06,600 Not again. 259 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,559 [chirping and cooing] 260 00:12:11,159 --> 00:12:13,600 Ladies, go on home now. 261 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,320 Nothing to see here. 262 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,000 Go away, you big pile of dirty old biddies. 263 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:18,919 Eoin. 264 00:12:21,879 --> 00:12:24,279 TED CRILLY: I'm afraid we can't stay around to chat. 265 00:12:24,399 --> 00:12:26,519 I have a very important baptism tomorrow. 266 00:12:26,639 --> 00:12:30,759 The baby has a very big head, and it may not fit in the font. 267 00:12:30,879 --> 00:12:33,159 It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us, 268 00:12:33,279 --> 00:12:36,720 but jam made out of old women. 269 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,480 I've got a bad feeling about this. 270 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,600 I think we'd better get back in the house. 271 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:41,759 Go away. 272 00:12:41,879 --> 00:12:43,360 I don't want to catch the menopause. 273 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,320 [cooing] 274 00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:50,759 Let me in! 275 00:12:50,879 --> 00:12:51,759 Let me in! 276 00:12:51,879 --> 00:12:54,720 [shrieks] 277 00:12:55,919 --> 00:12:56,720 Oh. 278 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:57,600 That was close. 279 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,159 [wood cracking] 280 00:13:02,759 --> 00:13:04,120 - Dougal! - Hello! 281 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:05,600 TED CRILLY: No, I don't mean hello. 282 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:06,600 I mean help! 283 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:07,559 DOUGAL MCGUIRE: Oh, right. 284 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:12,720 Ah! 285 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,200 Actually, Dougal, that's my hand. 286 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:16,200 Try hitting the women's hands. 287 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,120 OK. 288 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,080 Sorry, Ted. 289 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,559 [smacking] 290 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:32,440 [clock ticking] 291 00:13:35,519 --> 00:13:36,879 [rattling] 292 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,879 [clank] 293 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:44,519 PATTY: Hello? 294 00:13:44,639 --> 00:13:46,000 Hello? 295 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,279 The battery's dead. 296 00:13:47,399 --> 00:13:48,720 What about your phone? 297 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,960 They've cut the lines. 298 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,879 They lie in wait like wolves. 299 00:13:57,120 --> 00:14:02,399 The smell of blood in their nostrils. 300 00:14:02,519 --> 00:14:03,960 Waiting. 301 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,559 Interminably waiting. 302 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,679 And then-- 303 00:14:12,799 --> 00:14:15,559 He's right, Ted. 304 00:14:15,679 --> 00:14:17,039 What do they want? 305 00:14:17,159 --> 00:14:19,399 I think they just want to mother him. 306 00:14:19,519 --> 00:14:21,320 To be honest, he's got nobody to blame except himself. 307 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,360 I mean, when you've got album covers like this, 308 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,080 you know, you're just asking for trouble. 309 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,120 I'm no good at judging the size of crowds, 310 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,279 but I'd say there's about 70 million of them out there. 311 00:14:39,559 --> 00:14:40,960 [clattering] 312 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:41,879 I'm hungry. 313 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:43,240 Where's the jam? 314 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,120 You're not supposed to eat before your dinner. 315 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,360 EOIN MCLOVE: You shut up. 316 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:48,240 I'm Eoin McLove. 317 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:49,159 I can do what I like. 318 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,120 I've got a terrible secret. - Do you? 319 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,720 - Yeah. - What is it? 320 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:04,759 I'm not telling you. 321 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:09,919 Eoin! 322 00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:11,039 What? 323 00:15:11,159 --> 00:15:12,240 Don't eat the jam from the jar. 324 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:13,399 You leave me alone. 325 00:15:13,519 --> 00:15:14,279 I can have you killed. 326 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:17,519 Get out! 327 00:15:30,519 --> 00:15:31,960 I-- I was just cleaning the spoon. 328 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,279 [clock ticking] 329 00:15:42,279 --> 00:15:44,600 [paper ripping] 330 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:45,559 I can't stand it. 331 00:15:45,679 --> 00:15:46,879 They're so quiet. 332 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,559 Why are they so quiet? EOIN MCLOVE: Patty. 333 00:15:48,679 --> 00:15:50,200 What do you want? 334 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:51,559 What do you want? 335 00:15:51,679 --> 00:15:52,480 [shriek] 336 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,440 [glass breaking] 337 00:16:12,399 --> 00:16:13,240 Ah! 338 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:14,600 It's all right. 339 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,200 She's one of us. 340 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:18,639 [mumbling] 341 00:16:18,759 --> 00:16:20,440 What? What? 342 00:16:20,559 --> 00:16:22,080 Yes, yes. 343 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,679 Eoin, um, Mrs. Doyle wants to know, would you like a cake? 344 00:16:24,799 --> 00:16:25,919 Who? 345 00:16:26,039 --> 00:16:27,559 Mrs. Doyle, this woman here. 346 00:16:27,679 --> 00:16:28,440 Oh, right. 347 00:16:28,559 --> 00:16:31,159 [mumbling] 348 00:16:31,279 --> 00:16:32,399 It's banana. 349 00:16:32,519 --> 00:16:33,559 She says she knows it's your favorite. 350 00:16:33,679 --> 00:16:34,879 Oh god, yeah. I love that. 351 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,240 I'll eat that. No one else is getting any. 352 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:37,120 This is all for me. 353 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:42,279 Just hold on. 354 00:16:42,399 --> 00:16:43,240 MRS. DOYLE: Oh! 355 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,679 [mumbling] 356 00:16:45,799 --> 00:16:46,799 - Oh my god. - What's happening? 357 00:16:46,919 --> 00:16:48,159 I'm scared. 358 00:16:48,279 --> 00:16:49,799 I-- I don't know how to tell you this, but, um, 359 00:16:49,919 --> 00:16:53,440 Mrs. Doyle, in an unusual move, has baked a jumper in the cake. 360 00:17:00,679 --> 00:17:01,919 I'm going to get sick. 361 00:17:02,039 --> 00:17:03,399 This is terrible. 362 00:17:03,519 --> 00:17:05,079 This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. 363 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,200 I'm not wearing a cake jumper. 364 00:17:06,319 --> 00:17:07,079 This is horrible. 365 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,000 Yuck! 366 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,279 [crying] 367 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,599 I'll eat the cake, though. 368 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,000 [clock ticking] 369 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:36,920 We have to get him out of here. 370 00:17:37,039 --> 00:17:38,480 You know what we need? 371 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,880 Something to lead them away from him so he can escape. 372 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,119 Some kind of misleading event, but, um, what could it be? 373 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:50,759 I know! 374 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:51,920 A diversion. 375 00:17:52,039 --> 00:17:53,319 That's what it's called, a diversion. 376 00:17:56,839 --> 00:17:57,799 I know what it's called. 377 00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,359 I didn't ask what it's called. 378 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,000 I want to know what the diversion should be. 379 00:18:02,119 --> 00:18:02,880 Come on, come on. 380 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:03,880 Ideas, ideas. 381 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,799 [clattering] 382 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,680 [mumbling] 383 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:18,319 Fake! Fake! 384 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:19,240 Arse! 385 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:20,119 Arse! 386 00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:28,440 Yes. Thank you, Father Jack. 387 00:18:28,559 --> 00:18:31,119 I think we need more concrete ideas than that. 388 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,920 What do old women like? 389 00:18:33,039 --> 00:18:34,920 Do you know what they really, really love, Ted? 390 00:18:35,039 --> 00:18:36,599 A big game of bingo! 391 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:40,759 Why don't we just lure them into some kind of giant bingo game? 392 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,039 Right. 393 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,440 How do we do that? 394 00:18:43,559 --> 00:18:45,200 Well, we could, uh, print up some bingo cards 395 00:18:45,319 --> 00:18:46,680 on our printing press, and then we-- 396 00:18:46,799 --> 00:18:47,559 oh. 397 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:50,960 Yes. 398 00:18:51,079 --> 00:18:53,079 It's the, uh, lack of a printing press that lets us down there, 399 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,079 Dougal. 400 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,480 Or bingo balls. 401 00:18:55,599 --> 00:18:56,839 Or a microphone. 402 00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:00,200 Or, in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all. 403 00:19:00,319 --> 00:19:03,519 Damn, so near and yet so far. 404 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:07,000 [banging] 405 00:19:07,119 --> 00:19:07,920 What? 406 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:13,279 No. 407 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,559 No way. 408 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:15,720 Go on home! Shoo! 409 00:19:15,839 --> 00:19:17,240 Oh, Father. 410 00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:19,799 We just wanted to tell you that was a brilliant mass 411 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,000 you did last Sunday. 412 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:23,599 Oh, well-- well, thank you. 413 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,319 I-- I was very happy with the sermon, actually. 414 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,240 Oh, yes. 415 00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:28,200 How did it start again? 416 00:19:28,319 --> 00:19:29,119 Ah, let's see. 417 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:30,559 What was it? 418 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,880 I think it was the actor Nick Berry who said-- 419 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,319 Oh, sorry, Father. 420 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,119 Uh, we can't hear you very well through the window. 421 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,039 Right. 422 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:44,279 I think it was the actor Nick Berry who said that-- 423 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:45,160 Oh! 424 00:19:45,279 --> 00:19:46,119 There he is! 425 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:47,559 He's asleep! 426 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,559 CROWD: Aw. 427 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,720 Isn't he lovely? 428 00:19:52,839 --> 00:19:54,720 You're not interested in my sermon at all! 429 00:19:54,839 --> 00:19:55,599 What's going on? 430 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:56,720 Why is the window open? 431 00:19:56,839 --> 00:19:57,680 TED CRILLY: Can't hold them back! 432 00:19:57,799 --> 00:19:58,599 Upstairs! Get upstairs! 433 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:06,480 CROWD: Eoin. 434 00:20:06,599 --> 00:20:07,960 Eoin. 435 00:20:08,079 --> 00:20:09,519 Eoin! Eoin. 436 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:10,480 TED CRILLY: Back! 437 00:20:10,599 --> 00:20:11,440 Back! 438 00:20:11,559 --> 00:20:12,480 CROWD: Eoin. 439 00:20:12,599 --> 00:20:13,400 Eoin. 440 00:20:19,799 --> 00:20:20,920 Oh, god. 441 00:20:21,039 --> 00:20:22,119 What are we going to do now? 442 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,599 CROWD: Eoin. 443 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:24,599 Eoin. 444 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:25,559 Eoin. 445 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:27,039 Eoin. 446 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,000 Eoin. 447 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:29,480 Eoin. 448 00:20:29,599 --> 00:20:32,440 Eoin. 449 00:20:32,559 --> 00:20:33,799 What are we going to do? 450 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,799 I'm not so worried for ourselves, Father. 451 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,119 But the little ones. 452 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:38,400 They have their whole lives ahead of them. 453 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,720 [door breaking] 454 00:20:45,839 --> 00:20:48,599 [music playing] 455 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,119 [rooster crowing] 456 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,000 MRS. DOYLE: Stop! 457 00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:53,519 Stop! 458 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:57,160 Ladies, it's after 7 o'clock. 459 00:20:57,279 --> 00:20:58,960 I think your husbands might be wondering 460 00:20:59,079 --> 00:21:00,680 where their breakfasts are. 461 00:21:00,799 --> 00:21:01,920 TED CRILLY: Mrs. Doyle's right. 462 00:21:02,039 --> 00:21:03,880 Remember last year, Mrs. Dunn. 463 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,160 Your husband tried to wash a cup and burnt the house down. 464 00:21:07,279 --> 00:21:09,599 And Mrs. Collins, when Mr. Collins tried to make the bed 465 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:13,799 on his own and lost a leg. 466 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:17,000 Surely you can't let them get through a day on their own. 467 00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:19,759 Go on home. 468 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,240 [supernatural music] 469 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:22,240 Hup, hup. 470 00:21:30,759 --> 00:21:32,079 Can I have this duck? 471 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,079 [music playing] 472 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:39,759 Right. 473 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:40,920 We're off. 474 00:21:41,039 --> 00:21:42,119 Eoin, did you have those suitcases 475 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,400 with you when you came? - No. 476 00:21:43,519 --> 00:21:44,519 They're yours. 477 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,000 I just liked a lot of stuff here, 478 00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:48,880 so I thought I'd pack it up and take it off with me. 479 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,880 Oh, that's very cheeky. 480 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,640 Well, I'm taking everything, and that's that. 481 00:21:53,759 --> 00:21:54,960 Come on, Patty. 482 00:21:55,079 --> 00:21:57,160 I'm sorry he's been so much trouble, Father. 483 00:21:57,279 --> 00:21:58,839 I think a lot of it has to do with his problem. 484 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,160 Oh, yes. 485 00:22:00,279 --> 00:22:01,400 He mentioned something about that earlier. 486 00:22:01,519 --> 00:22:03,200 What is his problem? - I have no willy. 487 00:22:06,599 --> 00:22:09,319 Right. 488 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:12,599 Don't you have something to say to Mrs. Doyle? 489 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:16,079 EOIN MCLOVE: Oh, uh, thanks for the cake jumper. 490 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:17,519 [smooch] 491 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:21,920 [thud] 492 00:22:22,039 --> 00:22:24,279 There's bloody cake bits all over the place. 493 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,240 Father, you've been so kind to us. 494 00:22:26,359 --> 00:22:28,039 Would you like to come up to the show next week? 495 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,880 Father McGuire was telling me you're always 496 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,880 trying to get on television. 497 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:32,799 No, no. 498 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,640 That's-- that's not true. 499 00:22:34,759 --> 00:22:35,960 It is true, Ted. 500 00:22:36,079 --> 00:22:38,039 You're always trying to get on television. 501 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,640 You told me it was your number one ambition in the world. 502 00:22:40,759 --> 00:22:42,440 Did I? 503 00:22:42,559 --> 00:22:43,839 I-- I might have said that. 504 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,759 Joking probably. 505 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,079 Anyway-- I-- I actually couldn't be bothered. 506 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,519 There's a new part in the show. 507 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,240 We get an audience member to take part in a quiz. 508 00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:53,279 There's a cash prize. 509 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,680 I'll do it. 510 00:22:55,799 --> 00:22:57,119 Well, Father. 511 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:58,799 You've got four out of five right 512 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:02,880 on your specialist subject, William Shatner's "Tech Wars." 513 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,599 So if you get the general knowledge question right, 514 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:08,079 the 500 pounds will be yours. 515 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:09,519 CROWD: Ooh. 516 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:10,640 Oh, no. 517 00:23:10,759 --> 00:23:12,720 People will think this is rigged. 518 00:23:12,839 --> 00:23:14,839 John Paul II. 519 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:18,079 What was his name before he became Pope? 520 00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:28,440 [theme music] 521 00:23:55,799 --> 00:23:57,200 Jim? 33413

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