Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on "Father Ted."

It's only a stupid game of football.

There's nothing stupid about the over 75 football match.

Anyway, Ted, do you think you can win

this match without Father Nick?

I hope so.

We're using the forfeit system again this year.

Wait a second.

These are fake hands.

By this time next week, you have to--

Yes?

You have to--

Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse.

[theme music]

Oh, now, come on now, lads.

Quetzalcoatl, the volcano god, is angry.

We must appease his wrath. - Volcano god.

What kind of nonsense is that?

Look, I'll ask you one more time.

Would you not give Catholicism a try?

It wouldn't really catch on here.

And we don't agree with the Pope's line

on artificial contraception.

It's the '90s, for God's sake.

Cup of tea, Father?

Father, cup of tea?

Father, what's the matter with ya?

You're a million miles away.

Hm?

Sorry, Mrs. Doyle.

Just thinking about my next parish.

Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me

somewhere unpleasant, and this time, I think he

just might go through with it.

You see, I'm going to kick him up the arse.

Oh, that.

I don't think he'd mind that.

I'd see he'd love a good, big, hard kick up the arse.

Ted, you're not going to believe this.

Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn't-- oh

wait, no, it's a film.

Do you really have to kick him up the arse, Ted?

I lost the bet, Dougal.

I have to do my forfeit.

Do you remember a few years back when Dick Byrne lost the darts

tournament, and he had to say bollocks very loudly in front

of President Mary Robinson?

They won't let me away with this one.

You're right, Ted.

There's a code of honor involved.

You could lie to them.

No, he's insisted that you take a photograph as proof.

Oh, God, Dougal, what can I do?

I like this parish.

Do ya?

Well, no.

But, Ted, look at it this way, Bishop

Brennan has only come to visit us

twice in the last three years.

He hates us, Ted.

He thinks we're all a big bunch of idiots, especially you, Ted.

He thinks you're the biggest idiot of them all.

Head honcho idiot number one.

You never know, he may never come here again.

[phone ringing]

Hello, Bishop Brennan.

Yes.

OK.

He's coming tomorrow.

Oh, no.

Why?

Well, what I gathered from that conversation

is that Father Dick Byrne has told Bishop Brennan

of a miraculous image that's been

appearing in the skirting boards of the parochial house here.

He told Bishop Brennan that within the wood grain,

you can clearly see what appears to be a perfect likeness

of Bishop Brennan.

And you found all that just there?

Yes, he's very excited about it.

Images appearing on skirting boards.

That's a bit wacky, isn't it?

It's strange, all right?

It's just like the Turin Shroud or fat woman in Slago.

Padre Pio keeps appearing in her teabags.

Or the time I saw God's face in that painting.

That was a bit strange.

It wasn't that strange, Dougal.

It was a painting of God.

And have you heard about the mystery of the mud angel?

The mystery of the mud angel?

God, it's weird.

Every week in the mud outside O'Leary's pub,

there's the perfect outline of a man.

They call it the mud angel.

Mystery solved.

Still though, visions and apparitions and all that stuff,

it is a bit odd.

It's one of those areas of Catholicism

that is, frankly, it's a bit mad.

So the whole Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it,

Ted?

Careful, Dougal.

I'm a bit afraid of Len though.

Join the club.

But I'm not going to worry about it.

The worst thing would be to keep thinking about it,

and becoming so anxious and obsessed that you can't sleep.

I mean, that would be just--

Dougal?

Dougal?

What?

What?

God, that was weird.

What happened there?

The last thing I remember is feeling very drowsy and tired,

and I can't remember anything at all after that.

Yes, Dougal, it's called falling asleep.

You do it every night.

I don't know why you're finding it so easy to drop off.

Tomorrow-- today, in fact, you're

going to be taking a photograph of me

kicking Bishop Brendon up the arse,

and he won't like that either.

Would you like someone taking a photograph of you

being kicked up the arse?

Put yourself in his place.

I wouldn't like that at all.

No, I thought you wouldn't.

And his PA is coming, Father Jessup, the most

sarcastic priest in Ireland.

But, Ted, when Len comes around--

Dougal, hold it right there.

Don't call Len Len.

He's a Bishop.

What are you not to call him?

Let's get this right.

Len.

Very good.

Now, just remember that.

Len. Len.

Len. Len.

Len. Len.

Len. Len.

Len. Len.

Len.

OK, now let's get a good night's sleep.

It's morning.

We must have talked all night.

OK, well, at least we have another few hours before the--

[alarm clock]

At least I set it a bit early, so we'll have plenty of time

before Bishop Brennan--

[doorbell]

Mrs. Doyle, stall them for a few seconds.

Come on, Dougal.

Hello.

This is the housekeeper.

Your Grace, is that a hat you're wearing?

It is actually called a biretta.

Is it?

Yes.

Well, that's enough stalling.

In you go.

That's very true, Dougal, and you see,

the importance of the Eucharist in the mass from St. Paul

says here.

The way I see it, Ted--

Pretending to talk about religion.

Crilly.

- Ah. - Hello, Len.

Don't call me Len, you little prick.

I'm a Bishop.

All right.

Well done.

You know this type of thing 24 hours a day, huh?

All right, Crilly, I'll make this short.

Show me the likeness, and I'll be off.

I have to be off to Rome tomorrow for an audience

with the Pope.

I love those programs.

Have you seen the one with Elton John?

Shut up.

Hello, Father Jessup.

Helping Bishop Brennan then?

No.

I'm up in space doing important work for NASA.

Now, show me this thing, Crilly.

It's very like you, Your Grace.

Oh, really, now?

You're better looking, of course, though.

I don't mean that in an intimate way.

Nasty day.

Did you come by the new road?

No.

We went round by Southern Yemen.

Anyway, before we look at the skirting board,

do you mind if Father Maguire takes a few photographs?

Go on, Dougal.

All this is nothing.

Nothing.

I, um, I suppose, I suppose we better go.

Now, this is a new one.

Maybe before we look at it, perhaps we should say a prayer.

No, I don't want-- all right.

All right. Carry on.

Carry on.

Oh, Lord, at this time of great joy for Bishop Brennan,

when you've seen fit to put his face into the skirting board

of our house, we ask you to consider

the gift of forgiveness.

You who are the most forgiving of all gods--

Of all gods?

What other gods are there, Crilly?

False gods.

Oh, Lord, heap blessings upon wise Bishop Brennan,

the best Bishop in the world by miles.

For he endureth without spite, Amen.

There it is.

Have a look.

It's under the window there.

Well, I don't see anything, Crilly.

What happened there?

Crilly just jumped through the window.

Crilly?

Crilly, are you out there?

What's going on?

Why did he jump through the window?

An audience with Lily Savage.

That was good as well.

The Pope, that would be just great.

Crilly, why did you jump through the window?

Jump through the window?

I didn't jump through the window, did I?

You did.

You jumped through the window.

Right.

It was because of shock.

I saw your face.

Did you not see it in the skirting?

No, I did not.

Did you not?

I thought it smiles at me.

Did you see it, Dougal?

No.

God, it was extraordinary.

And do you not notice the sort of holy smell in the room?

Ted, that might be just Jack's underpants hamper.

I'll put it back in his room.

Look at it.

It's uncanny.

You know, I'm surprised you're not appearing on more things

actually.

You're such a top of the range Bishop.

Crilly, it is just an indistinct squiggle.

Now, come on, Jessup, we're leaving.

So Crilly, where is my cloak?

Your Grace, Father Crilly, I just heard on the news

that they've taken the roads in.

They've taken the roads in?

Yes.

When the rain is bad, they store them in a warehouse

on the east side of the island.

What?

I have to be in Rome tomorrow for an audience

with the Holy Father.

Don't worry, Len, they repeat those shows all the time.

They'll have the roads back out by tomorrow.

So essentially, we have to spend the night?

Yes.

Oh, bullocks.

Well, I'll make up the beds in the spare room.

No.

We'll sleep outside in a ditch.

OK so.

Would you like a cup of tea?

No, we'd rather die of thirst.

OK so.

Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup

was being a bit sarcastic.

What?

Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?

No, we want to die of thirst.

Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing,

but just do the opposite of what Father Jessup says.

OK.

So, you really do want a cup of tea?

Yes.

A-ha the kraken awakes.

Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?

Ice biscuits.

What?

How dare you speak to His Grace like that.

Apologize immediately.

I'm so, so, sorry.

Now, that's sarcasm.

Dougal, there's just no way I'm going to be able to kick

Bishop Brennan up the arse.

He's just too scary.

I'd rather take my chances in another parish.

Oh my God.

Ted, I might have a way you can kick Bishop Brennan up

the arse and get away with it.

If you did, Dougal, that would make you the most intelligent

person in the world.

Do you think that's likely?

I wouldn't go that far.

I'm no Jeffrey Archer.

I don't care what anyone says.

Why don't you just kick him up the arse,

and then act like nothing happened?

Brilliant, Dougal.

No, Ted, seriously.

Look at it this way.

How scared are you of Len?

Very scared.

Exactly.

So how likely would it be for you to kick him up the arse?

Well, not likely at all.

Exactly.

So when you kick him up the arse,

just carry on like nothing happened.

He'd never believe that you'd be brave enough

to kick him up the arse.

He'd think he'd just imagined it.

My God.

That-- that might work.

That might well work.

I'm going to do it, Dougal.

I'm ready.

As God as my witness, I will kick

Bishop Brennan up the arse.

BISHOP BRENNAN: Crilly!

Keep the noise down in there.

I think it might be worth taking one more look.

This has been a complete waste of my time.

Well, things might pick up.

You never know.

All right, let's see.

Come on.

Wait a minute, that's not yours.

That belongs to his--

don't you look at me like that.

Give that back or there'll be trouble.

Come back here.

Help.

What was that?

Mice or something.

Can you see anything?

No, I can't.

Oh, just wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

There seems to be a very crude watercolor painting

of a man in a bishop's hat.

Really?

Let me see.

Ah, you're right.

Tell you what must have happened.

Dougal probably didn't want you to be disappointed,

so he must have drawn that himself.

Ah, he meant well.

Anyway, I'm sure you want to be off, catch that ferry, huh?

We'll order you a taxi.

So off to see the Pope in Rome?

I bet you're really looking forward to that.

Well, did you see anything?

No, nothing there at all sadly?

You were right.

It was a wild goose chase.

Where's Father Jessup?

Maybe he went on ahead?

OK, so see you soon, Your Grace.

Come back as soon as you can.

Bye.

Grace?

Your Grace, you all right?

You were right, he didn't notice a thing.

You gave him a really hard kick up the arse,

and he didn't realize it at all.

Maybe, maybe, I didn't kick him up the arse.

No, Ted, I took the photograph, remember?

You're right, I did do it.

And I really went for it.

More sparkling wine.

I need more sparkling wine.

You traveling by yourself, Your Grace?

Your Grace?

Huh?

Father.

Arse.

Help.

Help.

Please.

Oh, thank God.

Help me.

Father Jessup, what are you doing in Father

Hackett's underpants Hamper

He He locked me in here.

Dear God, the smell.

Are you not terribly uncomfortable in there?

Of course, I'm uncomfortable.

I want to get out.

Fair enough so.

Where are you going?

Help me.

Have you finished your meal, Your Grace?

Your Grace?

Huh?

Have you finished your meal?

No.

This-- this is what I did.

First thing in the morning, Dougal,

I want 200 copies for all my friends, and one for myself

blown up 10 by 10.

Yeah.

Fag off.

Bishop Leonard Brennan.

He did kick me up the arse.

Get me on the first plane back to Ireland.

Now, God damn it.

What are you looking at, huh?

Oh, gees.

Oh, Go--

[honking]

Ah!

Oh, no.

[growling]

Crilly!

Crilly!

Crilly, I know you're under the bed.

I can see ya.

Bishop Brennan, hello.

God almighty, what brings you back?

Come out from there now.

No.

No?

I will give you 10 seconds, Crilly.

It's just that I can see another vision

of you, Your Grace.

The bits of fluff seem to be arranging

themselves into some sort of bishop formation.

Hello.

Good to see you back.

What brings you here?

What brings me here?

Well, I suppose the company, huh?

The fresh air?

The view from my window of that great pile of sludge,

but number one on the list would be the matter

of you kicking me up the ass.

Yes, I think that Is the one I would prioritize.

Kicking?

What?

When did I kick--

Don't try my patience, Crilly.

You kicked me up the ass.

Try to deny it, and I will have you fed to the dogs.

Why would I do that?

You'd kill me.

You're damn right I would.

I would never, ever kick you up the arse, sir.

I think you're great.

Well, I-- huh?

You sure you're not making a terrible, terrible mistake?

Do you think that could be possible?

Of course, it's not.

Well, I mean, you know, it did occur

to me that it was a bit, um, a bit unbelievable, you know?

It's unbelievable because it didn't actually happen.

I swear to you on all that I hold dear, on my life,

on my religion, on God, on all the Saints

and angels in heaven, I did not kick you up the arse.

Well, you know, maybe--

you know, maybe, I need a holiday.

Maybe I have been sort of imagining things.

You have been imagining things.

Have a holiday. You deserve it.

- Shut up, Crilly. - Okey dokey.

Bye, Bishop Brennan.

Bye.

Don't worry about the door. Bye.

Come back again soon.

Ted, I got those copies you ordered.

Shut up, Dougal.

Shut up.

The one you wanted blown up, the 10 by 10.

Where do you want that?

What do you mean where do I want it?

Bye, Bishop Brennan.

We love you.

Come here.

Turn around.

[theme music]

I'm really enjoying this.