Original subtitles

[music playing]

[helicopter sound]

[explosion]

[clattering]

[laughter]

Ted, how are you?

Dougal, hello there.

Did you have a good time?

Great, great.

Everything here has been fine.

Nothing wrong here at all.

There's no problems here at all.

So how was the school reunion?

Keep on talking.

Oh.

I was at the old school reunion.

Where does this go?

Father, do you think a cup of tea might calm you down?

Oh, Father McGuire, you're back.

Thank God.

You've got to do something.

Father Crilly's gone mad.

It's this football thing.

God almighty.

Is it that time of the year again?

Yes.

And he thinks Father Burns is trying to find

out his tactics for the match.

I mean, it's only a stupid a game

of football, for goodness sake.

Mrs. Doyle, I'm sorry, but no.

There's nothing stupid about football.

And there's nothing at all stupid about the annual

all-priest five a side, over 75, indoor football challenge

match against Rugged Island.

Please, Father, please.

Do something.

Anyway Dougal, you were saying about the school reunion?

Well, I didn't recognize any of them.

And do you know what, Ted?

They'd all become firemen.

I was the only one there who wasn't a fireman.

Can you believe that?

Dougal, you didn't go to a fire station or something

by mistake?

Ah.

Ted, come on.

Your going a bit mad there.

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Everything with me is fine.

Ted, I'm going to have to do something.

And you're not going to like it.

Call it female intuition or whatever the male equivalent

of female intuition is, but this isn't going to go down

well in the Ted camp at all.

I think--

Sorry, Ted.

You were going a bit too mad.

My God.

What have I done?

Look at the room.

Look at the room.

You're right, Dougal.

I have to get a hold of myself.

Well, Ted.

Been bugged by Dick Byrne?

Now, that's not very likely, is it?

Come on, Ted. Look at you.

You look terrible.

I've been having trouble getting any sleep at all.

I'm going to try this stuff.

Dreamy Sleepy Nighty Snoozy Snooze.

Dreamy Sleepy Nighty Snoozy Snooze?

Yes.

It's a brand-based alcoholic chocolate sleeping aid.

It's banned in most European countries.

So that means it's very good.

Well, in the meantime, I'll go and get us both an ice cream.

That'll calm us down.

Ah, that'll be nice.

Where are you going to get an ice cream though?

Oh, there's an ice cream van outside.

Is there?

It's not going to sell much ice cream out there.

There on to us, Cyril.

Go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

[tires screeching]

Come on, Father Collin.

Get your ass in gear.

Father Willa, come on.

You can move faster than that.

Get into it.

Who missed the [inaudible] from there.

You need shooting.

I'm very tired.

I'm 85.

Good God.

That's an awful defeatist attitude, Father Collin.

I'm holding you back for extra training.

You'll stay here until 7:00.

Do 15 laps of the pitch.

But--

Off you go.

God.

I don't know.

The attitude of those lads.

There was a time when the over 75

team put their hearts into it.

But now they're just--

kick the [bleep] ball.

[bleep] All over the place.

Big Byrne's got him a new fella.

Supposed to be flip hot and Italian.

Oh, yes.

The Italians know about football all right.

And, of course, the world of fashion.

God, Ted.

You remember that fellow who was so good at fashion,

they had to shoot him.

Where is Nick Daugherty?

Father Jack doesn't turn up.

Nick doesn't turn up.

Our main bloody strike force, and they're not bloody here.

You wouldn't think Father Jack was any good at football,

would you Ted? - No.

Ah, but then you see him out there.

Beautiful player.

Poetry in motion.

Did You told me once Jack had a tryout with Liverpool.

No.

He was on trial in Liverpool.

Wonder where Nick is though?

God, yeah. I mean, Jack's good.

But if anything happened to Nick, we'd be up to our necks

in flip.

And with this new fellow on Dick's team,

we need Nick at the very peak of his powers.

So there's no way he'll be able to play?

No.

No, he's dead.

It's completely out of the question then?

Is it?

Is it completely out of the question?

Come on, Ted.

You're clutching at straws.

Come on, lads.

You're right.

[fax machine]

Oh, isn't that nice.

Sorry to hear you died.

From Father Hagerty in Chicago.

Does that coffin have a fax machine in it?

Oh, yes. It's the latest thing.

And look at this.

You see, this display here tells you

how long you've been buried.

And this one tells you how deep down the coffin is.

Isn't it amazing?

And with these humidity controls,

Father Nick won't start decaying until, oh, sometime next year.

You've got to stop buying this catalog stuff.

It's a complete waste of money.

I mean, look, a remote control wheelchair.

Why would you need that?

You probably get more use from those fake joke arms you got.

Oh, those.

They seemed funny at the time.

And so they reminded me of my own arms.

Fake arms.

Niall, honestly, what kind of a situation

could possibly require either a radio-controlled wheelchair

or a pair of joke arms?

Only I would imagine a completely ludicrous one.

Yes.

Anyway, do you think you can win this match without Father Nick.

I don't know.

He has a great partnership with--

had-- he had a great partnership with Father Jack up front.

God, if Dick Byrne wins.

We're using the forfeit system again.

Last year when we lost, Dick made

me photocopy my own rear end.

[phone ringing]

They never let me back in that library again.

Hello.

Oh, it's for you.

Hello.

DICK BYRNE: I am going to win again, Ted.

Ha.

That's what you think, Dick Byrne.

But we've got some--

wait a minute.

How did you know I was here?

[ice cream truck music]

Damn you, Father Dick Byrne.

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

More bad news, Dougal.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris.

He tripped on a paving stone, and one of his kneecaps

fell off.

There's no way around it.

I'm going to have to put him in goal.

God, Ted.

I can't wait for tomorrow to get back into the old physio role

again.

Running onto the pitch with the magic sponge

and doing all physio-type things.

Do you know exactly what the sponge does?

It soaks up germs.

Dougal, I don't want you to take this the wrong way,

but I was thinking of a new role for you this year.

Right?

I'd like you to keep an eye on the corner flag

to make sure no one steals them.

Oh, thank God for that.

I thought you were going to give me something

completely stupid to do.

Wow.

Watching the corner flags.

Big responsibility.

[snoring]

Football, football, football, football,

football, football, football, football, football, football.

What you men see in it, I don't know.

A load of men kicking a bit of leather around a field.

You men.

The things you think are great fun.

Like going to the films.

A load of men sitting around looking at films.

And roller coasters.

A load of men in a roller coaster

going up and down on a big metal track.

And sailing.

A load of men in a big boat floating around in the sea.

And shouting.

A load of men going around shouting.

And so forth.

Well, Mrs. Doyle.

There's more to football than you think.

In fact, I got you a book about it.

Oh.

All right, Father.

I'll give it a go.

God, Ted.

Jack's been like that for a good long time.

He wouldn't be dead again, would he?

Ah, no.

He's probably just dreaming of his old sporting days.

[giggling]

More water.

Well, today's the day.

Got the hang of it yet, Dougal?

It's harder than you think, Ted.

The trick is to try and keep your eye on--

[screams]

[tv sounds]

Ah, hello, Ted.

I was just eating my breakfast.

Dougal, that's a fib.

What are you really doing?

I-- I've lost the flag, Ted.

I just put it down for a second, and the next thing,

it was gone.

Oh, Ted, you're going to have to give me an easier job.

It was just too much too soon.

Dougal, look at Father Jack.

Would he give up so easily?

Would he?

Look at that steely determination.

That air of defiance.

I've just realized Jack's been asleep for 14 days.

Oh, my God.

He's drunk an entire bottle of Dreamy

Sleepy Nighty Snoozy Snooze.

[dramatic music]

Go on, my son.

Well, there he is, Ted.

Father Romeo Sensini.

17 caps with the Vatican over 75's.

Looks after himself.

Drinks only very, very fine wine.

Can climb two flights of stairs unassisted.

Needs only one nun to help him get out of a chair.

You haven't a chance.

That's what you think, Dick.

We've put Father Hackett through a rigorous training schedule.

He's never been fitter.

Ha.

FATHER TED: Father, Father, please wake up.

But what are we going to do?

I can't believe we're in this completely ludicrous situation.

[motorized wheelchair sound]

God almighty, Mrs. Doyle.

How could you find this type of thing interesting?

That's what I thought.

Sit down.

Look at this.

Ready?

Ready?

[whistle]

Close them down.

Close them down.

Oh, hey.

Have you got me gloves, Sister?

Sensini's got an open goal.

If we don't do something soon, he's going to score

within a matter of minutes.

Oh, where did he come from?

Get rid of it.

Get rid of it.

What?

Turn around.

Concentrate on the game.

Is that Father Crilly?

Hello, Father.

Someone's going to have to get tighter on the Italian.

Go wide.

Go wide.

[motorized wheelchair sound]

You're not singing.

You're not singing.

You're not singing anymore.

You're singing any more.

Penalty.

[whistle]

Typical Italian.

[fast heartbeat]

[fast heartbeat]

He sent the keeper the wrong way.

- Yes. - Goal.

[whistle]

Goal.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

All right. Listen up.

Now I know you're tired, and I know you have

to be back in the home by 8:00.

But just remember one thing.

You are carrying the whole of Craggy

Island on your shoulders.

Metaphor, Jim.

It's just my back, you see.

Jim, it's a metaphor.

Didn't mean it literally.

Try not to jump into the flow here.

Now I want you to go out there and play the best game

of what remains of your lives.

I want you to get Dick Byrne's team and rip them to shreds.

Metaphor again, Jim.

Now get out there, and let's lick some ass--

kick some ass.

We're going to win, sir.

I think I'm going to want a souvenir of this game.

Go get me a corner flag.

Go get me a corner flag.

Oh, yes.

Got it.

Go.

Go, Father Jack, go.

[crowd cheering]

Yay.

Oh.

You're shit.

Ha.

Ha.

[whistle]

Open goal.

Go on, Father Collin.

- What? - No.

Don't look at me.

You only have the keeper to beat.

[crowd cheering]

[crowd cheering]

Yay.

Yes.

I think I've done something wrong?

[crowd cheering]

Woo. Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

[whistle]

[pop]

Ah.

Better luck next year, lads.

You lost, Cyril.

Goodbye, Dick.

Goodbye, Cyril.

Can they not stay and have a drink, Ted?

No.

Dick has to go home and do his forfeit.

The forfeit.

What did you give them, Ted?

Dick, he has to kiss Cyril on the cheek.

Ha.

Brilliant.

Cyril won't have a clue what's going on.

Dick will hate having to kiss another man.

He is notoriously homophobic.

Ted, you should have this.

You deserve it.

No.

I think we'd better head on home.

Ah, go on, Ted.

Have a glass.

Wait a second.

These are fake hands.

Got the forfeit, Ted.

Oh, God.

Dick said it was an extra special forfeit because you are

such a big cheating bastard. - All right.

Open it.

Open it.

The tension is killing me.

Ah, don't worry, Ted.

He probably just wants you to clean his car or some--

What is it?

Break It to me gently.

All right.

Ted, by this time next week, you have to--

What?

You have to--

Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse.

[crash]

[music playing]