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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:10,240
[theme music]
2
00:00:32,759 --> 00:00:34,640
[divebomb]
3
00:00:34,759 --> 00:00:37,640
[explosion]
4
00:00:39,759 --> 00:00:45,119
[music playing]
5
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:46,399
Come on, Dougal.
6
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:47,479
Turn off the video.
7
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:48,840
OK, Ted.
8
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,240
That's a great show,
though, isn't it?
9
00:00:50,359 --> 00:00:52,039
He's mad, isn't he?
10
00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:53,119
I don't believe it, he says.
11
00:00:57,679 --> 00:00:58,880
Which one were you watching?
12
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,079
What?
13
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,600
Which episode of "One Foot in
the Grave" were you watching?
14
00:01:03,719 --> 00:01:05,200
Huh?
15
00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:06,640
Dougal, you just
finished watching it.
16
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,319
Do you not remember
anything from it?
17
00:01:09,439 --> 00:01:10,239
I don't believe it.
18
00:01:10,359 --> 00:01:12,799
That's what he says.
19
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:13,760
Come on, Dougal.
20
00:01:13,879 --> 00:01:14,680
Hurry up.
21
00:01:14,799 --> 00:01:15,680
We're off to the mainland.
22
00:01:15,799 --> 00:01:16,599
Hurray!
23
00:01:16,719 --> 00:01:18,280
Why?
24
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:19,879
We have to go to the betting
shop to collect my winnings--
25
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,120
200 pounds on Father Liam
Rice in the limbo competition.
26
00:01:23,239 --> 00:01:25,400
What they don't know is there's
something wrong with his back
27
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:29,400
and he always walks like that
28
00:01:29,519 --> 00:01:30,680
I don't believe it.
29
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:38,079
I don't believe it!
30
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:39,519
Dougal, you better
get that mended.
31
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:41,159
There's a hole there in
the top of your tank top.
32
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:42,560
Really, Ted?
33
00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,439
I don't believe it.
34
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,680
Brilliant, Dougal!
35
00:01:46,799 --> 00:01:48,200
Can we go to the
caves then after we
36
00:01:48,319 --> 00:01:49,439
go to the betting shop?
Can we go?
37
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:50,799
Can we?
38
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:51,920
Please, please, please,
please, please, please.
39
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:53,200
All right, we'll
go to the caves.
40
00:01:53,319 --> 00:01:54,159
Fantastic!
41
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,239
Going to the caves!
42
00:01:55,359 --> 00:01:56,799
I don't believe it!
43
00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,760
OLD WOMAN: Here we are now.
44
00:01:58,879 --> 00:02:01,439
DOUGAL: I don't believe it.
45
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:02,359
Drink!
46
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,040
Not now, father.
47
00:02:04,159 --> 00:02:05,400
We're going to the optician's
in Rumsky, remember, to get you
48
00:02:05,519 --> 00:02:06,319
a nice pair of glasses.
49
00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:16,919
You should all be very
careful on the mainland.
50
00:02:17,039 --> 00:02:18,479
There's a lot of crime around.
51
00:02:18,599 --> 00:02:20,479
Arsonists and
muggers everywhere!
52
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:23,400
My friend Mrs. Oddwire
was robbed last week.
53
00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:24,400
Oh no!
54
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,280
Did they get much!
55
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,319
No, father, I don't
think you understand.
56
00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:29,240
She was robbed!
57
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:30,639
They stole her!
58
00:02:30,759 --> 00:02:32,080
Oh, I see.
59
00:02:32,199 --> 00:02:33,639
It's a terrible thing
when an old person
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00:02:33,759 --> 00:02:36,240
can't even walk down the street
for fear of being stolen.
61
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:37,159
It is.
62
00:02:41,919 --> 00:02:42,759
Come on, Dougal.
63
00:02:42,879 --> 00:02:45,560
I don't want any accidents.
64
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,120
Here's Mrs. Dineen, Father.
65
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:48,400
You can drop me off here.
66
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:49,280
Right so.
67
00:02:52,879 --> 00:02:54,280
Hello, Father Crilly.
68
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:55,800
Hello, Mrs. Dineen.
69
00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:57,719
MRS. DOYLE: When we go to
the tea shop, Mrs. Dineen,
70
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,599
we can have a bit
of a chat there.
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00:02:59,719 --> 00:03:00,479
Right so.
72
00:03:00,599 --> 00:03:01,439
Bye now.
73
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,840
God, Dougal, could
you imagine spending
74
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:12,840
any more time with those--
75
00:03:18,719 --> 00:03:20,879
Oh, 200 big ones, Dougal.
76
00:03:23,759 --> 00:03:26,439
What?
77
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:27,360
Oh God, Ted.
78
00:03:27,479 --> 00:03:28,639
I'm so happy.
79
00:03:28,759 --> 00:03:31,319
The sun's out and
we're in an optician's.
80
00:03:31,439 --> 00:03:35,000
It doesn't get any
better than this.
81
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,360
God, Ted, I just
remembered something!
82
00:03:37,479 --> 00:03:38,960
I forgot to have any breakfast!
83
00:03:42,599 --> 00:03:43,439
We'll get something later.
84
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,080
Don't worry.
85
00:03:45,199 --> 00:03:47,719
Oh God, Ted, I'm so hungry!
86
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:49,039
There's no chance!
87
00:03:49,159 --> 00:03:52,280
I couldn't die, could
I, from the hunger?
88
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,280
I don't think so-- not for
a couple of hours, anyway.
89
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:56,360
I'm finished now, Father.
90
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:02,560
Well, I must say I'm confused.
91
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,319
His eyesight seems to be
better than ever before.
92
00:04:05,439 --> 00:04:07,560
He read right down
to the very last line
93
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:08,879
and even I can't see that one.
94
00:04:13,159 --> 00:04:15,719
Ah-- ah, I think I
know what happened.
95
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,879
You see, Father Jack has a
great fondness for saying
96
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,240
that particular word.
97
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,839
Oh, I didn't know.
98
00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:22,560
It's the first time I've used
that eye chart, actually.
99
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:25,399
I got it free with a
promotional crate of Carlsberg.
100
00:04:25,519 --> 00:04:27,079
Hey, do you have
anything to eat?
101
00:04:27,199 --> 00:04:29,600
Like a plate of chips or
a burger or a few chops?
102
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,959
I'm out of me head
with the hunger.
103
00:04:32,079 --> 00:04:34,639
No, I'll, um, just
get the other chart.
104
00:04:34,759 --> 00:04:37,720
So what happened to his
last pair of glasses?
105
00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:39,040
No idea.
106
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:40,199
He was gone out of the
house for a few minutes.
107
00:04:40,319 --> 00:04:41,519
When he came back,
they were gone.
108
00:04:41,639 --> 00:04:43,279
He can't seem to
hold onto a pair.
109
00:04:43,399 --> 00:04:45,160
Dougal, you forgot your scarf.
110
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:54,480
[cawing]
111
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,600
Ah, Fathers, this is
going to take some time.
112
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:04,560
All right, we'll head off.
113
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:05,680
So come on, Dougal.
114
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:06,600
We'll go to the caves.
115
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,439
Hooray!
116
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,600
Now, Father, this
chart was given
117
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,639
to me by Slovakia's
premier lens manufacturers,
118
00:05:13,759 --> 00:05:15,040
Feckarse Industries.
119
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,120
You remember Mrs. Kiernon.
120
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,920
Well, she was on her way
to the shop the other day,
121
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:29,319
and a man came over to her and
killed her and stole her pen.
122
00:05:29,439 --> 00:05:30,600
Killed her?
123
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,519
Well, they think so.
124
00:05:32,639 --> 00:05:35,959
They're keeping
her in for tests.
125
00:05:36,079 --> 00:05:38,680
Well, you know what
happened to old Mr. Sweeney.
126
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,120
Some young fellas
broke into his house
127
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,439
and started messing with them.
128
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:47,040
And they put a bra on him!
129
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,600
Oh God, poor Mr. Sweeney.
130
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,920
He wouldn't like that at all.
131
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,920
I heard there were
over 200 cases
132
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:57,519
of forced transvestism
involving Mr. Sweeney last year.
133
00:05:57,639 --> 00:06:00,000
Oh, it's terrible.
134
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:01,360
What's the world coming to?
135
00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:12,319
Steady, Dougal.
Right, now one more.
136
00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:13,240
Steady.
137
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:21,800
God almighty!
DOUGAL: What?
138
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:22,959
Look who it is!
139
00:06:23,079 --> 00:06:24,720
It-- it's that actor!
DOUGAL: Who?
140
00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:26,720
TED: You know, your-- your man
from "One Foot in the Grave,"
141
00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:27,600
dee.
142
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,160
I don't believe it, man.
143
00:06:30,279 --> 00:06:31,480
Oh, wow!
144
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:32,480
TED: God, that's amazing.
145
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:33,360
Look at him there.
146
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,160
Do you know what he'd love?
147
00:06:38,279 --> 00:06:39,360
What?
148
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,319
He'd love it if
somebody came up to him
149
00:06:41,439 --> 00:06:42,600
and said his catchphrase.
150
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:43,639
Ho ho, yeah, Ted.
151
00:06:43,759 --> 00:06:44,839
He'd love that!
152
00:06:44,959 --> 00:06:46,360
You should definitely do that.
153
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:47,600
Should I?
154
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:48,839
Oh yeah.
155
00:06:48,959 --> 00:06:50,160
I'd say no one ever
does that to him.
156
00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:52,040
He'd think you're hilarious.
157
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:54,800
You know, this is one of these
times when I'm absolutely,
158
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,920
100 million percent sure that
you'd be doing the right thing.
159
00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,800
I can safely say you
definitely, definitely
160
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,600
won't regret doing that.
161
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,480
All right, I'm going to do it.
162
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:05,360
Brilliant, Ted!
163
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:06,279
Will I?
164
00:07:06,399 --> 00:07:07,279
Yeah, go on!
165
00:07:07,399 --> 00:07:08,199
Hold the camera.
166
00:07:17,199 --> 00:07:20,519
[inaudible]
167
00:07:23,079 --> 00:07:25,399
I don't believe it!
168
00:07:59,439 --> 00:08:02,319
[arguing]
169
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:15,800
Well, what did he say?
170
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,680
Did he laugh?
171
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,079
No, no, no, no, not really.
172
00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:21,879
I'm going to sit down now.
173
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,240
Oh God, no!
174
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:26,399
I could never be one of
those have a go heroes.
175
00:08:26,519 --> 00:08:28,759
I didn't know my own strength.
176
00:08:28,879 --> 00:08:31,279
I heard his arm snap.
177
00:08:31,399 --> 00:08:34,320
And then it was just a
case of lying on top of him
178
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:35,360
until the filth arrived.
179
00:08:38,399 --> 00:08:41,039
We better be off, Mrs. Doyle.
I'll get this.
180
00:08:41,159 --> 00:08:42,320
Oh, no, Mrs. Dineen.
181
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,240
Put that away.
182
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:44,159
I'll get this.
183
00:08:44,279 --> 00:08:46,559
No, now don't be silly.
184
00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:47,960
I pay.
185
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:48,919
You won't!
186
00:08:49,039 --> 00:08:50,759
Put that away!
187
00:08:50,879 --> 00:08:53,200
Now don't be
stupid, Mrs. Doyle.
188
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,240
No, no, no, no.
189
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,519
Now just put your money away.
190
00:08:57,639 --> 00:08:58,879
You're mad!
191
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,080
No, no, no, no!
192
00:09:08,279 --> 00:09:09,080
[cawing]
193
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,559
[screaming]
194
00:09:11,679 --> 00:09:12,559
[thud]
195
00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:17,000
Fecking balls again.
196
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:40,919
Drink!
197
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,360
Take the money!
198
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:53,840
Take the money!
199
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:57,840
Take the money, all right!
200
00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,840
I'm writing a check!
201
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:00,840
No you're not!
202
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,320
No you're not!
All right!
203
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:03,320
Give me that checkbook!
204
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:04,320
Give it!
205
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:05,320
Hello, police?
206
00:10:09,919 --> 00:10:10,799
Right, right.
207
00:10:10,919 --> 00:10:11,720
Absolutely.
208
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,879
We understand.
209
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,279
At that stage, I was drinking
over a pint of vodka a day.
210
00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:18,159
Yes!
211
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,279
Yes, all I could
think about was where
212
00:10:23,399 --> 00:10:24,720
the next drink was coming from.
213
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:25,639
Drink!
214
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,480
I didn't give a damn
about my wife or kids.
215
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,360
Blech.
216
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:37,440
NowAn now with all of your
help, I'm coming through it.
217
00:10:37,559 --> 00:10:39,320
I'm just taking it
one day at a time.
218
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:40,360
MAN: That's good.
219
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:45,879
Thank you, Ronald.
220
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,759
Now I notice that
we have a new member
221
00:10:47,879 --> 00:10:49,759
of the group with us today.
222
00:10:49,879 --> 00:10:53,200
Father, would you like
to tell us your story?
223
00:10:59,399 --> 00:11:00,200
Drink!
224
00:11:04,399 --> 00:11:05,200
Drink!
225
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:09,720
Drink!
226
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:10,600
Here, here, Father.
227
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,879
Let it all out.
228
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,799
Drink!
229
00:11:15,919 --> 00:11:17,639
It's so true, so true.
230
00:11:22,039 --> 00:11:24,519
And this rock here
is actually granite.
231
00:11:24,639 --> 00:11:25,919
How long would that be there?
232
00:11:26,039 --> 00:11:28,039
Oh, many millions of years.
233
00:11:28,159 --> 00:11:28,919
Really?
234
00:11:29,039 --> 00:11:30,320
As long as that?
235
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,000
That-- that is fascinating.
236
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,480
How come all the rocks
are different sizes?
237
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:39,960
Well, you know, rocks are
generally different sizes.
238
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,120
Wow.
239
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:42,519
I'm finding out
all kinds of things
240
00:11:42,639 --> 00:11:45,559
I never knew about rocks.
241
00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:47,639
Of course, at this time,
most of this whole area
242
00:11:47,759 --> 00:11:50,360
would have been
submerged under water.
243
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,480
How did everyone breathe?
244
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,600
They had some
sort of apparatus.
245
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:54,720
Oh, right.
246
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,799
Wow, look at that
rock over there!
247
00:11:56,919 --> 00:11:59,519
Well, this is actually
the oldest part of our tour.
248
00:11:59,639 --> 00:12:01,039
Ah, this particular
cave was formed
249
00:12:01,159 --> 00:12:03,000
more than 15 million years ago.
250
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:06,360
Wow, I don't believe it.
251
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,360
You again!
252
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:12,320
I don't want-- I don't
want to see you again!
253
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,320
[struggling]
254
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,799
Bastard!
255
00:12:16,919 --> 00:12:20,000
That path's not open to the--
256
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:23,000
oh, Mr. Wilson, could--
could I just say how sorry--
257
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:23,960
Oh, that's all right.
258
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,639
That's all right.
259
00:12:25,759 --> 00:12:27,200
As long as I don't have to hear
that bloody catchphrase again.
260
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:31,240
TOUR GUIDE (VOICEOVER):
I don't believe it!
261
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:35,639
I don't believe it!
262
00:12:35,759 --> 00:12:37,240
TED: I'm sure we
came in this way.
263
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:38,600
Oh, Ted.
264
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,360
I'm so hungry I'm
beginning to hallucinate.
265
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,279
TED: Now Dougal,
don't exaggerate.
266
00:12:42,399 --> 00:12:43,279
And stop worrying!
267
00:12:43,399 --> 00:12:46,320
We're [inaudible].
268
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,480
Let's try this way.
269
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,440
[spooky moan]
270
00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:52,919
Ted, what's that?
271
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:53,840
What's what?
272
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,360
[spooky moan]
273
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:57,279
Ah!
274
00:12:57,399 --> 00:12:59,200
Ah!
275
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,679
Ted!
276
00:13:00,799 --> 00:13:03,120
Ah!
277
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,600
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
278
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,879
(SINGING) I see a little
silloueto of a man.
279
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,240
Scaramooch, Scaramooch,
will you do that fandango?
280
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,919
Thunderbolt and lightning,
very, very frightening me!
281
00:13:15,039 --> 00:13:19,240
Galileo, Galileo, Galileo,
Galileo, Galileo, Figaro.
282
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,000
Magnifico, oh, oh, oh.
283
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,240
I'm just a poor boy.
284
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:23,519
Nobody loves me.
285
00:13:23,639 --> 00:13:26,399
He's just a poor boy
from a poor family.
286
00:13:26,519 --> 00:13:28,919
Save him his life
from this monstrosity.
287
00:13:29,039 --> 00:13:30,000
Easy come, easy go.
288
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:30,919
Will you let me go?
289
00:13:31,039 --> 00:13:31,879
Bismilach.
290
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,080
No, we will not let you go.
291
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,000
Let me go!
292
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:34,879
Bismilach.
293
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:35,840
We will not let you go.
294
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:36,799
Let me go!
295
00:13:36,919 --> 00:13:39,600
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
296
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,120
No--
297
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:42,759
(SINGING) Mama mia, mama
mia, mama mia, let me go.
298
00:13:42,879 --> 00:13:50,000
Beelzebub had the devil put
aside for me, for me, for me.
299
00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:00,279
As I was saying, I
think the thing to do
300
00:14:00,399 --> 00:14:02,480
is to try and find an exit
before the caves close
301
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:03,360
for the evening.
302
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,919
Good idea, Father.
303
00:14:05,039 --> 00:14:06,320
How long have
you been in here?
304
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:07,840
Two days now, Father.
305
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,399
At least I think it's two days.
306
00:14:10,519 --> 00:14:11,720
We've been having
a great laugh.
307
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,639
Well, I, uh, I just think
that, uh, actually everyone
308
00:14:17,759 --> 00:14:18,879
would like to get
out of here and get
309
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,639
something to eat and get home.
310
00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:21,679
Who can screech the loudest?
311
00:14:21,799 --> 00:14:22,840
Huh?
312
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,919
Let's have a
screeching competition!
313
00:14:25,039 --> 00:14:26,159
I'll go first.
314
00:14:26,279 --> 00:14:28,559
[screeching]
315
00:14:28,679 --> 00:14:30,639
Jerry Feyes, your go.
316
00:14:30,759 --> 00:14:31,759
I'd rather not, Father.
317
00:14:31,879 --> 00:14:32,759
Oh, go on.
318
00:14:32,879 --> 00:14:35,279
[screeching] It's easy, peasy.
319
00:14:35,399 --> 00:14:36,879
I really think we
should think about trying
320
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:37,919
to get out of here.
321
00:14:38,039 --> 00:14:38,840
Oh God, Ted.
322
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,360
Maybe you're right.
323
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,120
If we don't get out, we
might have to eat each other.
324
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,399
You know, like-- like
in that film "Alive"
325
00:14:44,519 --> 00:14:45,960
where they get into
the plane crash
326
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:48,039
and then they have to
eat all their friends.
327
00:14:48,159 --> 00:14:50,080
Mmm, look, look.
Here's me eating Tony.
328
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,320
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
329
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:55,120
And-- and Tony would be
going, oh no, get off me!
330
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:57,480
I'm not dead yet!
331
00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:01,320
Anybody would be going,
but I'm hungry, Tony!
332
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,000
And Tony would be going, oh no!
Go away!
333
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:03,799
Go away!
Go away!
334
00:15:03,919 --> 00:15:05,120
Wouldn't you, Tony?
335
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:09,440
Oh, oh, here's-- here's
Tony's parents when
336
00:15:09,559 --> 00:15:12,080
they hear that I've eaten Tony.
337
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,480
Oh, oh, oh, no.
338
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:15,639
Why did you eat Tony?
339
00:15:15,759 --> 00:15:18,159
Tony was our only son.
340
00:15:18,279 --> 00:15:22,120
Then I'd be at the funeral.
341
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,960
And I'd be going, oh,
better not show my--
342
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:24,919
Will you shut up?
343
00:15:25,039 --> 00:15:25,840
Will you?
344
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,879
Will you please shut up?
345
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,360
Will you shut up?
346
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:30,320
Shut up!
347
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:31,320
Shut up!
348
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:44,399
Well, well, I've never.
349
00:15:44,519 --> 00:15:50,200
I've never-- Tony, I'm putting
you on my list of enemies.
350
00:15:55,679 --> 00:15:58,000
There.
351
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,360
You're in for it now, Tony.
352
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:01,240
Ha!
353
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:02,240
Only joking.
354
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:03,960
Look what I've really written!
355
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,919
Come on, let's disseminate
with a screeching competition.
356
00:16:10,039 --> 00:16:12,799
Janean Reilly-- oh,
she'd love a go.
357
00:16:12,919 --> 00:16:14,039
Go on, it's easy.
358
00:16:14,159 --> 00:16:17,039
[screech]
359
00:16:17,159 --> 00:16:20,039
I really wouldn't do that now.
360
00:16:20,159 --> 00:16:21,440
[screech]
361
00:16:21,559 --> 00:16:23,200
Seriously, no.
362
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:27,159
[screech]
363
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:37,159
So it was a me, Father
Promise, and Father Duncan.
364
00:16:37,279 --> 00:16:41,000
And yet think, wouldn't you,
that someone like Chris Evans
365
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,519
would want to hang around
with the likes of us.
366
00:16:43,639 --> 00:16:45,000
And you'd be right.
367
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,720
He didn't want to hang
around with us at all.
368
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,320
- Ted.
- Hm.
369
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:51,200
I'm going mad.
370
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,960
Yes, sorry, Noel, but are you
not worried about being trapped
371
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:58,279
under that big pile of rocks?
372
00:16:58,399 --> 00:16:59,720
Not at all!
373
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,399
I have you here to
keep me company,
374
00:17:01,519 --> 00:17:04,400
and the youth group will be
back with help at any moment.
375
00:17:04,519 --> 00:17:06,680
They said they were just
going to find the tour guide,
376
00:17:06,799 --> 00:17:09,000
tell them I was buried
under a big pile of rocks,
377
00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:10,319
and come right back.
378
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:11,680
That's for
tickets to Paraguay.
379
00:17:14,799 --> 00:17:17,240
But I liked "The
English Patient."
380
00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:18,759
Mmm!
381
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:22,799
Very confusing and far
fetched and very, very boring.
382
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,119
It was my kind of film.
383
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,720
Oh, oh, and I liked "The Piano."
384
00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:29,240
as well.
385
00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:32,279
Did you see Harvey Keitel
running around in the nip?
386
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,720
Did you see that, Ted?
387
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,000
Ted?
388
00:17:40,119 --> 00:17:41,200
Ted?
389
00:17:41,319 --> 00:17:42,720
I hate leaving
Noel, but we're doing
390
00:17:42,839 --> 00:17:45,119
him no good sitting around
listening to him screech.
391
00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:49,200
At least he'll be safe under
that big pile of rocks.
392
00:17:49,319 --> 00:17:52,519
Let's just get ourselves out and
we can worry about Noel then.
393
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:56,359
God, where is this exit?
394
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,000
Ah!
395
00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:01,880
Ted, me tank top has turned
into some sort of woman's bra!
396
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,160
What?
397
00:18:04,279 --> 00:18:06,119
It's after unraveling.
398
00:18:08,759 --> 00:18:10,359
Oh my God, Dougal!
399
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,039
We can find our
way back with this.
400
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,400
You've obviously
snagged it on something.
401
00:18:16,519 --> 00:18:18,759
If we use this, we
can find our way out.
402
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,319
Oh, thank God, Dougal!
403
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:23,079
We'll be out in no time!
404
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,240
Ted, should you be
winding it up like that,
405
00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:26,359
or should we now
be following it?
406
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,000
What?
407
00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:29,279
Well, what use will it be when
you're finished winding it up?
408
00:18:32,759 --> 00:18:36,960
Ah-- I don't believe it!
409
00:18:37,079 --> 00:18:41,039
ECHO: Believe it, believe
it, believe it, believe it,
410
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:41,960
believe it!
411
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,440
I don't believe it!
412
00:18:43,559 --> 00:18:47,960
Believe it, believe it,
believe it, I don't believe it!
413
00:18:48,079 --> 00:18:48,960
Believe it!
414
00:18:49,079 --> 00:18:49,960
I don't believe it!
415
00:18:50,079 --> 00:18:52,039
I don't believe it!
416
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:52,960
Ah!
417
00:18:57,079 --> 00:18:58,440
Oh!
418
00:18:58,559 --> 00:19:00,960
Drink!
419
00:19:01,079 --> 00:19:02,319
Drink!
420
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:03,200
Drink!
421
00:19:03,319 --> 00:19:04,119
Drink!
422
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:05,079
Drink!
423
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,000
Drink!
424
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,559
Don't do it, Father!
425
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,759
I won't let you do it.
426
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,599
I know it hurts, but believe me,
you're going to thank me for--
427
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:24,599
[sirens]
428
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:25,720
Oh, thank God.
429
00:19:30,039 --> 00:19:31,480
Excuse me, there's someone
buried in the caves.
430
00:19:31,599 --> 00:19:33,000
He's all right, but I
really think you should
431
00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:34,640
get somebody in there quickly.
Thank you.
432
00:19:34,759 --> 00:19:35,920
Please hurry.
Come on, Dougal.
433
00:19:36,039 --> 00:19:37,359
I want to get away
before they rescue him.
434
00:19:54,119 --> 00:19:55,359
Come on, Dougal.
435
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:56,640
Relax.
436
00:19:56,759 --> 00:19:58,480
The-- the food will
be here in a minute.
437
00:19:58,599 --> 00:20:01,839
[ringing]
438
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:02,839
Hello?
439
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,920
Hello, is that Father Crilly?
440
00:20:05,039 --> 00:20:06,440
Yeah, yes, this is him.
441
00:20:06,559 --> 00:20:08,559
We've been trying to
contact you all night.
442
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,519
Do you know a Mrs.
Doyle, first name Mrs.--
443
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:12,440
[ringing]
444
00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:14,240
--Doyle?
445
00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:17,279
Ah, do I know a Mrs--
446
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,319
[shattering]
447
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:19,279
--Doyle?
448
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,680
We do, Ted.
449
00:20:22,799 --> 00:20:25,119
Yes, yes, she--
she's our housekeeper.
450
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,279
Well, I need you to come
down to the police station.
451
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,880
She's been in a spot of trouble.
452
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:35,599
Now, Mrs. Denine, if there's
a fine or anything, I pay it.
453
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:37,480
No, no, no.
454
00:20:37,599 --> 00:20:39,039
OK, thank you, Father.
455
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:42,720
[protesting]
456
00:20:42,839 --> 00:20:45,519
Father Hackis!
457
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:46,799
Come on, Dougal.
458
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:47,759
You're not going to
be able to eat that.
459
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,079
[moan]
460
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,799
We have to get Mrs.
Doyle and Mrs. Denine.
461
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,119
[ringing]
462
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:53,839
And Father Jack out of prison.
463
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:54,720
Come on!
464
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:00,799
I'm very, very sorry.
465
00:21:05,839 --> 00:21:07,240
You wouldn't have a
lasagna or a chicken curry
466
00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:09,839
or something like that.
467
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,160
No.
468
00:21:11,279 --> 00:21:13,119
OK, well maybe I just
have a bag of chips.
469
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,559
And could I have a Fanta
orange as well, please?
470
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,200
Don't you know where you are?
471
00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:18,839
This is a police station.
472
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,400
Right, um, in that case,
I just have the chicken
473
00:21:21,519 --> 00:21:24,799
satay and pino rice.
474
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,400
I just hope you don't
think this type of thing
475
00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:28,000
goes on all the time.
476
00:21:28,119 --> 00:21:29,640
We're not all criminals and
troublemakers in the church,
477
00:21:29,759 --> 00:21:31,000
you know.
478
00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:32,880
I hope this won't put
you off going to mass.
479
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,160
I'm a Protestant
actually, Father.
480
00:21:35,279 --> 00:21:36,640
Really?
481
00:21:36,759 --> 00:21:38,599
Ah.
482
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:40,359
It's a straight
choice, Father.
483
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,599
Either they pay a 200
pound fine or they
484
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,359
spend a night in the cells.
485
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:50,119
Well, ah, ah, I wouldn't
have that kind of money on me.
486
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:54,079
Maybe in the circumstances,
a night in the cells
487
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,000
might be the better option.
488
00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:56,880
Ted.
489
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:57,960
Shut up, Dougal.
490
00:21:58,079 --> 00:21:59,480
- No, Ted.
- Dougal, be quiet.
491
00:21:59,599 --> 00:22:02,319
- No, I-- I was just--
- All right, all right!
492
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,359
Here, here.
493
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,039
Here's your blood money,
but just let me say this.
494
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:07,640
There was a time when the
police in this country
495
00:22:07,759 --> 00:22:09,160
were friends of the church.
496
00:22:09,279 --> 00:22:12,319
Drunk driving charges quashed,
parking tickets torn up,
497
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,039
even a blind eye turned
to the odd murder.
498
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:14,960
But now-- and you!
499
00:22:15,079 --> 00:22:16,440
Are you satisfied?
500
00:22:16,559 --> 00:22:18,039
I gave him the money.
Toot toot!
501
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:19,839
Why don't you give him the
200 pound you won on the bet?
502
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,359
Well, I did!
There!
503
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:23,000
Happy?
504
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:25,400
Once again, you've made me
look like a complete idiot
505
00:22:25,519 --> 00:22:28,079
in front of real people.
506
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:31,480
Thank you so much.
507
00:22:31,599 --> 00:22:34,359
Right, to be honest, Ted,
I forgot you had the money.
508
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,400
I was just going to
say your fly is open.
509
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,279
God, Dougal, what did I say?
510
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:55,920
There's always trouble
when we go to the mainland.
511
00:22:56,039 --> 00:22:58,200
I-- I must make a note of never
ever going back there again
512
00:22:58,319 --> 00:23:01,440
unless it's completely
unavoidable,
513
00:23:01,559 --> 00:23:03,960
which it isn't, unfortunately.
514
00:23:07,039 --> 00:23:07,920
[ding-dong]
515
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:25,319
I don't believe it!
516
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,319
[ending theme]
517
00:23:55,279 --> 00:23:57,240
(SINGING) Fat bottomed
girls, they make
518
00:23:57,359 --> 00:23:59,720
the rocking world go round!
34584
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