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1
00:00:06,839 --> 00:00:09,199
[music playing]
2
00:00:35,079 --> 00:00:36,920
[explosion]
3
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:41,799
Don't even talk to me.
4
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,000
I'm so sorry, Ted.
5
00:00:43,119 --> 00:00:44,799
You're judging a
baby competition.
6
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,920
You're not supposed
to get them agitated.
7
00:00:47,039 --> 00:00:50,840
This happens every time,
and I'm sick of it.
8
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,399
I was just playing
with them, Ted.
9
00:00:58,719 --> 00:00:59,880
Playing with them?
10
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,560
You were jumping up
and down with them,
11
00:01:01,679 --> 00:01:05,840
running around with them, and
getting completely overexcited.
12
00:01:05,959 --> 00:01:07,319
That's why you got sick on me.
13
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,200
I thought the standard
this year was rubbish.
14
00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:13,920
It was awful all right.
15
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:15,760
A lot of very sloppy babies
who looked as though they
16
00:01:15,879 --> 00:01:17,359
really couldn't be bothered.
17
00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,840
And the hairiness of
some of those babies.
18
00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:22,439
It was a very hairy baby parade.
19
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,120
Exactly, Ted.
20
00:01:24,239 --> 00:01:25,519
If people aren't even going to
shave their babies before they
21
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,200
come out.
22
00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:30,000
Well, normally, , you wouldn't
actually have to shave a baby.
23
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:40,239
What the hell?
24
00:01:40,359 --> 00:01:44,159
Mrs. Doyle, did you put a brick
in the middle of the floor?
25
00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,560
I did.
26
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,040
Why?
27
00:01:48,159 --> 00:01:49,920
I thought it would be
handy for your paper clips.
28
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,680
See, you can put them
in that hollow there.
29
00:01:53,799 --> 00:01:55,079
Yes, but why in the
middle of the floor?
30
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,640
Why not on the table?
31
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,159
I got the idea
from a magazine.
32
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:04,920
That may be all
very well for Will
33
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,760
Self or one of those fellows.
34
00:02:06,879 --> 00:02:09,439
But I'm for the more traditional
aspect of not putting bricks
35
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,039
in the middle of the
floor, I think in future
36
00:02:11,159 --> 00:02:12,319
you should consult me before--
37
00:02:12,439 --> 00:02:14,240
[screech]
38
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,479
Mrs. Doyle looks
very different today.
39
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:22,960
Was it definitely Mrs. Doyle?
40
00:02:46,759 --> 00:02:48,599
[knocking]
41
00:02:54,159 --> 00:02:55,840
I'm sorry.
42
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,159
I was looking for Mrs. Doyle.
43
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,000
It is Mrs. Doyle.
44
00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,120
What?
45
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,080
I thought you were
Marilyn Monroe.
46
00:03:04,199 --> 00:03:06,400
[cackling laughter]
47
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:11,840
Now, Couple of
nice pints for you.
48
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:12,879
Oh, great.
49
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:13,840
We're a bit low, actually.
50
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,560
There's plenty more
where that came from.
51
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,879
[cackling laughter]
52
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,280
I tell you I shouldn't
be here at all.
53
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:29,719
The police are after me.
54
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,199
They're not.
55
00:03:31,319 --> 00:03:34,280
Yes, I'm so gorgeous to
want to put me under arrest.
56
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,120
[cackling laughter]
57
00:03:39,479 --> 00:03:42,840
Actually, I'm a bit sad
at the moment, Mrs. Doyle.
58
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,159
Yes, I have to go to a funeral.
59
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:45,319
Oh, no.
60
00:03:45,439 --> 00:03:46,199
Really?
61
00:03:46,319 --> 00:03:47,120
Yes.
62
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,360
My last girlfriend.
63
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:53,199
She died from exhaustion.
64
00:03:53,319 --> 00:03:55,159
[cackling laughter]
65
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,960
Hello.
66
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:02,919
Hello, Father.
67
00:04:03,039 --> 00:04:06,759
This is Pat Mustard,
the new milkman.
68
00:04:06,879 --> 00:04:08,199
Oh.
69
00:04:08,319 --> 00:04:09,719
Yes, Just from over the
south side of the island.
70
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:13,400
Thought I'd spread
myself around a bit.
71
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,240
Mrs. Doyle, you need
to do some dusting up
72
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,160
in Father Jack's room,
and there's a huge cobweb
73
00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:19,079
in the shed needs removing.
74
00:04:19,199 --> 00:04:20,160
All right, also, Father.
75
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:28,800
Well, I'll be
on my way, Padre.
76
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,000
Or on my rounds.
77
00:04:37,199 --> 00:04:38,959
Right, Ted, looks like
an ordinary blackboard,
78
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,600
doesn't it?
79
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:42,560
Yes.
80
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:43,720
That's what I thought.
81
00:04:43,839 --> 00:04:44,639
But watch this.
82
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,000
You see?
83
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:49,959
You can rub off the letters.
84
00:04:53,959 --> 00:04:55,959
You can do that with
every blackboard, Dougal.
85
00:04:56,079 --> 00:04:56,839
What?
86
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:06,120
This is a very milky
cup of tea, Mrs. Doyle.
87
00:05:08,959 --> 00:05:12,399
This is almost an
all milk cup of tea.
88
00:05:12,519 --> 00:05:15,040
I mean, is there any
tea in here at all?
89
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,920
Well, no.
90
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,279
Anyone would think
you were trying
91
00:05:20,399 --> 00:05:25,040
to use up all the milk
so that Pat Mustard can
92
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,240
come here more often.
93
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,399
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
94
00:05:29,519 --> 00:05:31,959
Pat's very interesting
though, Father.
95
00:05:32,079 --> 00:05:35,279
At the weekends, he's a
swimming instructor in the pool.
96
00:05:35,399 --> 00:05:39,120
And he fought in Vietnam and
he's a former Mr. Universe
97
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:43,639
and he taught Elvis
Presley how to play karate.
98
00:05:43,759 --> 00:05:47,040
It sounds to me as though he's
telling you a few tall tales.
99
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,319
What do you think, Dougal?
100
00:05:48,439 --> 00:05:50,360
Well, Ted, I'm very
cynical as you know.
101
00:05:56,439 --> 00:06:00,199
Well, Father, it's
not my place, I know.
102
00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:02,920
But it sounds to me like
you're a little bit jealous.
103
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:06,759
Jealous?
104
00:06:06,879 --> 00:06:08,079
Of Mr. Milkie Man?
105
00:06:08,199 --> 00:06:09,759
I very much think not.
106
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:17,759
What are you doing, Dougal.
107
00:06:17,879 --> 00:06:20,800
I was just looking at some of
the hairy babies from today.
108
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:22,639
There's something about them.
109
00:06:22,759 --> 00:06:23,560
Let's see.
110
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,000
Oh, gosh.
111
00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:31,160
What?
112
00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:32,800
This is a terrible
thing to say,
113
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,920
but if you took this baby's
mustache, this baby's head
114
00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,160
hair, this baby sideboards,
and put them together,
115
00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:41,360
I think you'd get Pat Mustard.
116
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,839
Do you think the babies
are copying his style.
117
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,560
No, Dougal, I think
it's more likely
118
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:59,199
that Pat Mustard has
been, you know, delivering
119
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:02,439
more than dairy products.
120
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,000
No.
121
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,839
You mean he's been,
well, I can't--
122
00:07:07,959 --> 00:07:14,600
whoo, oo, he, no, hey,
what, he's been what?
123
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,959
I think we should do
a little detective work,
124
00:07:21,079 --> 00:07:22,839
find out what this Pat
Mustard fellow is up to.
125
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,040
[laughing]
126
00:07:33,959 --> 00:07:36,839
Hello, Father?
127
00:07:36,959 --> 00:07:38,560
Oh, Pat was
wondering if he could
128
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,399
put his massive tool in my box.
129
00:07:41,519 --> 00:07:42,319
What?
130
00:07:42,439 --> 00:07:43,560
How dare you?
131
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,319
Yeah, it's too big
for the milk float.
132
00:07:48,519 --> 00:07:50,879
I'll pick it up tomorrow.
133
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,519
Mrs. Doyle, could you
leave us for a few moments?
134
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:54,399
Surely, Father.
135
00:08:00,319 --> 00:08:01,839
I know what's
going on Pat Mustard.
136
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,879
There are some very hairy
babies on Craggy Island,
137
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,759
and I think you are
the hairy baby maker.
138
00:08:06,879 --> 00:08:08,000
Oh yeah?
139
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,680
Well, I think that
you would need
140
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,480
proof if you are going to make
that sort of an accusation.
141
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:17,000
And I'm a very careful man,
Father, a very careful man.
142
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,079
Except when it comes to taking
precautions in the bedroom.
143
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:21,720
Now, you wouldn't
be advised of the use
144
00:08:21,839 --> 00:08:25,720
of artificial contraception,
now, Father, would you?
145
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:31,680
Yes, I, no, if
you're going to be,
146
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,879
I, of course, you just feck off.
147
00:08:38,279 --> 00:08:40,200
You'd want to
get up very early
148
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:43,279
in the morning you
catch me, Father, very
149
00:08:43,399 --> 00:08:44,559
early in the morning.
150
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:08,799
And now, to ride
Mrs. O'Reilly.
151
00:09:08,919 --> 00:09:10,519
Dougal, did you get that?
152
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,799
Ted, I turned up the volume
as loud as I can in case
153
00:09:16,919 --> 00:09:19,480
I can hear what's going
on inside the house.
154
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,320
A this level you can hear a pin-
155
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:25,799
[train goes by]
156
00:09:25,919 --> 00:09:26,840
Right.
157
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:27,879
Now we wait.
158
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:28,759
Oh, no, he's finished.
159
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:32,320
God.
160
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:35,000
Theresa, I forgot
me fecking trousers.
161
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:35,879
Aha.
162
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:43,480
Shameful, dear
God, disgraceful.
163
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:44,720
Look at that.
164
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:45,679
Have you ever seen
anything like that?
165
00:09:45,799 --> 00:09:48,200
No, I have not.
166
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:49,080
Right.
167
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,600
How should we do this?
168
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,480
How about two pounds each
for this, this, and this,
169
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:53,919
and a tenner for the rest?
170
00:09:56,919 --> 00:09:58,919
Well I wasn't trying
to sell them to you.
171
00:09:59,039 --> 00:10:00,879
I just wanted to show you
what one of your employees
172
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,159
was up to on his rounds.
173
00:10:02,279 --> 00:10:03,039
Oh.
174
00:10:03,159 --> 00:10:05,240
Oh, , Oh my god, yes.
175
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:06,159
Why?
176
00:10:06,279 --> 00:10:07,440
What did you think?
177
00:10:07,559 --> 00:10:09,519
Oh, I completely
misread the situation.
178
00:10:09,639 --> 00:10:12,840
But please, this is
disgraceful behavior.
179
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,440
This employee shall be removed
from his job straightaway.
180
00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:17,720
Thank you for bringing this to
our attention Father, really.
181
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:18,919
Hey you.
182
00:10:19,039 --> 00:10:20,960
Who's going to
deliver the meat now?
183
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,960
Actually next week
is a big week for us.
184
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,559
We recently agreed to ease
the milk surplus problems
185
00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:29,840
of the newly liberated Eastern
European Republic of Proptunova
186
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:33,480
by buying 17 thousand
tons of milk from them.
187
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,559
Pat's sacking couldn't
have come at a worse time.
188
00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:37,320
God, it's terrible to
think of all that lovely milk
189
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:38,799
floating around and
going sour with no
190
00:10:38,919 --> 00:10:40,759
one dropping it off anywhere.
191
00:10:40,879 --> 00:10:42,039
I wish I could do it.
192
00:10:42,159 --> 00:10:43,799
Well, we could certainly
trust you, Father.
193
00:10:43,919 --> 00:10:45,440
You are after all a man of God.
194
00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:46,320
A what?
195
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:50,240
A priest.
196
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:51,159
Well yeah.
197
00:10:51,279 --> 00:10:53,080
Thanks for reminding me.
198
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,759
But I'd love to be a
milkman for a while.
199
00:10:54,879 --> 00:10:56,120
That would be fantastic.
200
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,679
God knows I do flip
all around here.
201
00:10:58,799 --> 00:11:00,000
It's not a bad idea.
202
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,480
You could certainly a
fill in for a while.
203
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,840
Oh I'm not sure.
204
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,840
Father McGuire has other
duties at the parish.
205
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:06,759
Like what?
206
00:11:15,919 --> 00:11:17,440
Now be sure to
keep warm, won't you?
207
00:11:17,559 --> 00:11:18,320
Ted.
208
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:19,720
Not in front of Mr. Fox.
209
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,759
And stay to the left
side of the road.
210
00:11:21,879 --> 00:11:24,519
Duh, I know.
211
00:11:24,639 --> 00:11:25,440
Stop it.
212
00:11:28,519 --> 00:11:29,399
That turns it on.
213
00:11:29,519 --> 00:11:30,759
That makes it go.
214
00:11:30,879 --> 00:11:31,639
That steers it.
215
00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:32,679
OK, right.
216
00:11:32,799 --> 00:11:33,679
OK.
217
00:11:33,799 --> 00:11:36,080
You're ready to be a milkman.
218
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,200
You better get going, actually.
219
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:38,879
Milk get sour, you know.
220
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,720
Unless UHD milk.
221
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,360
But there's no demand for
that because it's shit.
222
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:49,720
[horn honks]
223
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:06,600
He'll be fine, Father
224
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:07,480
Ah!
225
00:12:16,399 --> 00:12:17,639
What's going on?
226
00:12:17,759 --> 00:12:20,559
Father Hackett's got
very fond of that brick.
227
00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:22,440
It's a great old pet for him.
228
00:12:22,559 --> 00:12:25,679
He doesn't have to feed it or
clean it or take it to the vet.
229
00:12:25,799 --> 00:12:28,399
Suits him down to the ground.
230
00:12:28,519 --> 00:12:32,720
I love my brick.
231
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,120
Ah, that's nice.
232
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,000
Maybe we're seeing another
side to Father Jack,
233
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:37,960
a more caring considerate--
234
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:41,240
[clink]
235
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:44,240
Ah, feck it.
236
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,279
Fed up with brick.
237
00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,240
[phone rings]
238
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,240
Craggy Island Parochial House.
239
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,600
Father Ted Crilly speaking.
240
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:01,159
It's me, Father.
241
00:13:01,279 --> 00:13:03,519
You ignorant bastard.
- Who's that?
242
00:13:03,639 --> 00:13:04,559
Is that you, Mustard?
243
00:13:04,679 --> 00:13:05,879
You got me sacked.
244
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,120
And now I'm having
to yank myself off
245
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:09,519
round the clock
because I haven't
246
00:13:09,639 --> 00:13:12,399
got any proper sex with girls.
247
00:13:12,519 --> 00:13:14,759
Well, if you're going
to use that language.
248
00:13:14,879 --> 00:13:16,039
No, don't hang up.
249
00:13:16,159 --> 00:13:17,879
I've something to tell you. .
250
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,159
I've left a little
surprise on the milk
251
00:13:21,279 --> 00:13:24,039
float your little
friend took off me.
252
00:13:24,159 --> 00:13:27,559
Something to remember
me by, a bomb.
253
00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:29,360
What?
254
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:32,320
A very special bomb.
255
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,720
When your little friend gets
to over four miles an hour,
256
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,039
then the bomb will be armed.
257
00:13:37,159 --> 00:13:38,639
But.
258
00:13:38,759 --> 00:13:44,279
When he comes back under four
miles an hour, then Boom.
259
00:13:44,399 --> 00:13:45,799
Sorry, I lost you there.
260
00:13:45,919 --> 00:13:48,600
What happens when it goes
under four miles an hour?
261
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:49,720
It'll go off.
262
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,840
Oh, my god, Dougal.
263
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:57,799
[laughter]
264
00:13:57,919 --> 00:14:00,360
Mrs. Miller, two pints.
265
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,480
Two pints.
266
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,759
Two pints of milk.
267
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,759
[doorbell rings]
268
00:14:14,759 --> 00:14:17,039
Father, oh my god.
269
00:14:17,159 --> 00:14:19,679
Two pints, two
pints, two pints.
270
00:14:19,799 --> 00:14:21,639
There you go.
271
00:14:21,759 --> 00:14:22,639
Bye then.
272
00:14:37,279 --> 00:14:40,360
[doorbell rings]
273
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:41,399
Morning, Mrs. Gleason.
274
00:14:41,519 --> 00:14:42,799
[scream]
275
00:14:44,159 --> 00:14:45,039
OK, right.
276
00:14:45,159 --> 00:14:46,320
I'll just leave it here then.
277
00:14:51,919 --> 00:14:53,799
[horn honks]
278
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,919
Dougal, Dougal, are you
going over four miles an hour?
279
00:14:59,039 --> 00:15:00,720
Ah, Ted, I'm doing fine.
280
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:01,799
Leave me alone.
281
00:15:01,919 --> 00:15:03,639
Are you doing over four?
282
00:15:03,759 --> 00:15:06,039
Not yet.
283
00:15:06,159 --> 00:15:07,519
Now I am.
284
00:15:15,159 --> 00:15:16,240
Dougal, listen to me.
285
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,080
There's a bomb on
the milk float.
286
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,159
A bomb?
Right.
287
00:15:19,279 --> 00:15:20,480
Who's that for?
288
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,240
No, you're not supposed
to deliver it to anyone.
289
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,679
It's going to go
off and kill you.
290
00:15:23,799 --> 00:15:25,799
Pat Mustard put it there
because I got him sacked.
291
00:15:25,919 --> 00:15:27,519
When you go under four
miles an hour, it'll go off.
292
00:15:27,639 --> 00:15:28,559
The bomb will go off.
293
00:15:28,679 --> 00:15:30,200
Have you got that?
294
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:31,440
Oh, god, help.
295
00:15:31,559 --> 00:15:33,320
I don't want to be
a milkman any more.
296
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,480
You'll be safe as long
as you don't slow down.
297
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:37,000
Oh, Ted, look.
298
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,080
It's a big bunch of boxes
in the middle of the road.
299
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:41,519
Just stay over four.
300
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,360
Go, Dougal, go, go, go.
301
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,600
Just get to the roundabout
and start circling it.
302
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,679
I have to have a think.
303
00:16:53,799 --> 00:16:54,600
Ted!
304
00:17:00,919 --> 00:17:03,320
Barren Island Parochial
House, Father Beeching here.
305
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,240
Dougal's in trouble.
306
00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:05,720
He got a job as a milkman.
307
00:17:05,839 --> 00:17:07,319
And the previous
milkman has put a bomb
308
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,599
on the milk float that will
blow up when the milk float
309
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:10,920
goes under four miles an hour.
310
00:17:11,039 --> 00:17:14,200
Yes, that is a problem.
311
00:17:14,319 --> 00:17:15,599
Don't panic, Ted.
312
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,680
We'll find a way through it.
313
00:17:17,799 --> 00:17:19,279
We've got to do something
practical, something
314
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,920
that will really help Dougal.
315
00:17:21,039 --> 00:17:22,759
Wait, I have it.
316
00:17:30,599 --> 00:17:33,400
Lord be with you.
317
00:17:33,519 --> 00:17:34,960
No mass.
318
00:17:35,079 --> 00:17:37,720
Mass today is being offered
for Father Dougal McGuire,
319
00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:42,160
[inaudible] a most trying
and unfortunate situation.
320
00:17:42,279 --> 00:17:45,400
We pray that God will protect
him from harm at this time
321
00:17:45,519 --> 00:17:48,440
and deliver him to safety.
322
00:17:48,559 --> 00:17:52,759
[laughter]
323
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,240
Oh, yes.
324
00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:57,160
I'll be peeling him off the
walls for weeks to come.
325
00:17:57,279 --> 00:17:58,400
Mass has ended.
326
00:17:58,519 --> 00:18:02,039
Go in peace to love
and serve the Lord.
327
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,319
Dougal, there's
the roundabout.
328
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:05,720
Just kept driving
round and round.
329
00:18:05,839 --> 00:18:06,880
Everything's going to be OK.
330
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:07,839
But I get dizzy.
331
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:08,720
Don't get dizzy.
332
00:18:08,839 --> 00:18:09,839
Hold on.
333
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:10,839
We've got to come
up with a plan.
334
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,279
Back to my house and step on it.
335
00:18:39,599 --> 00:18:41,039
That's the idea?
336
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:42,880
The best we've had, Ted.
337
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,400
Another mass,
that's our best idea?
338
00:18:47,119 --> 00:18:50,839
I thought the other
one went very well.
339
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,680
Dougal needs help
not, not a mass.
340
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,279
There is a time for mass
and a time for action
341
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,880
and this is a time for action.
342
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:07,720
Is there anything to be
said for seeing another mass?
343
00:19:07,839 --> 00:19:08,759
Just a small one?
344
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,039
Oh, God, I love saying mass.
345
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,400
Him and his masses.
346
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,559
There was a time
a few years ago,
347
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:18,559
we were at the Moscow Olympics
with Sean Drea the rower.
348
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,319
This is great story.
349
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:21,920
We don't have time!
350
00:19:22,039 --> 00:19:23,559
Won't take a second.
351
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,319
For God's sake, will you all
just shut up and help me come
352
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,720
up with a practical solution?
353
00:19:26,839 --> 00:19:29,839
Tea for everyone.
354
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,880
Father Beeching,
biscuit or cake.
355
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:38,240
Biscuit or cake, biscuit
or cake, let's see.
356
00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:40,720
For God's sake, hurry up, man!
357
00:19:40,839 --> 00:19:44,079
Biscuit, no cake!
358
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,640
Have you seen the
damage a bomb can do?
359
00:19:46,759 --> 00:19:48,759
It'll blow your face
into the side of a tree.
360
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:57,119
Well, it's worked for them and
they saved hundreds of lives.
361
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,759
We only have to save one.
362
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:01,359
That was different.
363
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:05,400
The Towering Inferno was a
big building that caught fire.
364
00:20:05,519 --> 00:20:07,720
You can't apply the same
criteria to rescuing a priest
365
00:20:07,839 --> 00:20:09,519
from an explosive milk float.
366
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,920
And besides, they had Paul
Newman and Steve McQueen.
367
00:20:13,039 --> 00:20:15,279
God Almighty, it's so
long since I've seen it I
368
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,400
forgot Steve McQueen was in it.
369
00:20:17,519 --> 00:20:18,720
Wait, I've got it.
370
00:20:18,839 --> 00:20:21,440
The Poseidon Adventure.
- What?
371
00:20:21,559 --> 00:20:23,240
Gene Hackman plays
a priest in it.
372
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,240
Well, that was no help at all.
373
00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:49,160
He didn't even say mass.
374
00:20:49,279 --> 00:20:51,000
Come, let's get down
to the roundabout.
375
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:53,039
Let's see if we can
think of something there.
376
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,519
Oh!
377
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:55,400
Fecking brick.
378
00:20:58,519 --> 00:20:59,279
Wait a minute.
379
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:00,200
I've got an idea.
380
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,000
Yes, gentlemen.
381
00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:07,160
Father Dougal is
propelling the milk
382
00:21:07,279 --> 00:21:09,960
float by exerting a small amount
of pressure on the accelerator.
383
00:21:10,079 --> 00:21:13,200
If we can replace his foot
with an object that applies
384
00:21:13,319 --> 00:21:15,240
the same pressure, then
I think we can safely
385
00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:17,720
remove him from the vehicle.
386
00:21:17,839 --> 00:21:18,640
You mean?
387
00:21:18,759 --> 00:21:19,799
Yes.
388
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,640
We put the brake
on the accelerator.
389
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:27,519
Dougal!
390
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:28,960
What?
391
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:30,200
It's a daring plan.
392
00:21:30,319 --> 00:21:31,319
But you're going to
have to trust me.
393
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,200
Ted, I want to
be a priest again.
394
00:21:33,319 --> 00:21:34,519
And you will be, Dougal.
395
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,079
It's not really your
type of thing, is it?
396
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,839
No, I don't like
this job at all.
397
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,480
All right.
398
00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:41,720
When I say step off, move foot,
you step off and move foot.
399
00:21:41,839 --> 00:21:42,880
All right?
400
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,000
Just brace yourself
and keep saying,
401
00:21:44,119 --> 00:21:45,480
I want to be a priest again.
402
00:21:45,599 --> 00:21:46,599
I want to be a priest again.
403
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,519
I want to be a priest again.
404
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:49,759
I want to be a priest again.
405
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,799
I want to be a priest again.
406
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:55,039
Step off and
move foot, Dougal.
407
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,119
Ted, you forgot your brick!
408
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:58,000
Put it back!
409
00:21:58,119 --> 00:21:59,519
Put it back!
410
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:00,480
Run, Dougal.
411
00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:14,960
I'm a priest!
412
00:22:15,079 --> 00:22:20,079
[laughter] Oh, yes.
413
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,440
I'm afraid you messed with
the wrong milkman, Father.
414
00:22:23,559 --> 00:22:25,480
Well, if you don't
mind, I'm off.
415
00:22:25,599 --> 00:22:28,000
Better get out the
earplugs, Father.
416
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:31,000
Because when that
milk float goes up,
417
00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:34,079
you'll hear it all the
way to the North Pole.
418
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,400
[explosion]
419
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,319
There you are, Dougal.
420
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:50,720
Thanks, Ted.
421
00:22:50,839 --> 00:22:52,119
Are you sure you
don't any milk in it?
422
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:53,559
Oh, no, no, no.
423
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,799
I think I'll stay off milk
for a good long while.
424
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,960
Why did I ever want to
become a milkman, Ted?
425
00:22:59,079 --> 00:23:00,240
You should stick to
what you're good at
426
00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:01,480
and I'm good at being a priest.
427
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,680
Yes.
428
00:23:05,799 --> 00:23:09,920
Ted, it's scary out there
in the real non-priest world.
429
00:23:10,039 --> 00:23:12,920
Dougal, not every job as
dangerous as being a milkman.
430
00:23:13,039 --> 00:23:13,960
Anyway, good night.
431
00:23:14,079 --> 00:23:14,839
Good night.
432
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:15,759
Ted.
433
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:36,079
Those women were in the nip.
29825
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