Original subtitles

[music playing]

[explosion]

Don't even talk to me.

I'm so sorry, Ted.

You're judging a baby competition.

You're not supposed to get them agitated.

This happens every time, and I'm sick of it.

I was just playing with them, Ted.

Playing with them?

You were jumping up and down with them,

running around with them, and getting completely overexcited.

That's why you got sick on me.

I thought the standard this year was rubbish.

It was awful all right.

A lot of very sloppy babies who looked as though they

really couldn't be bothered.

And the hairiness of some of those babies.

It was a very hairy baby parade.

Exactly, Ted.

If people aren't even going to shave their babies before they

come out.

Well, normally, , you wouldn't actually have to shave a baby.

What the hell?

Mrs. Doyle, did you put a brick in the middle of the floor?

I did.

Why?

I thought it would be handy for your paper clips.

See, you can put them in that hollow there.

Yes, but why in the middle of the floor?

Why not on the table?

I got the idea from a magazine.

That may be all very well for Will

Self or one of those fellows.

But I'm for the more traditional aspect of not putting bricks

in the middle of the floor, I think in future

you should consult me before--

[screech]

Mrs. Doyle looks very different today.

Was it definitely Mrs. Doyle?

[knocking]

I'm sorry.

I was looking for Mrs. Doyle.

It is Mrs. Doyle.

What?

I thought you were Marilyn Monroe.

[cackling laughter]

Now, Couple of nice pints for you.

Oh, great.

We're a bit low, actually.

There's plenty more where that came from.

[cackling laughter]

I tell you I shouldn't be here at all.

The police are after me.

They're not.

Yes, I'm so gorgeous to want to put me under arrest.

[cackling laughter]

Actually, I'm a bit sad at the moment, Mrs. Doyle.

Yes, I have to go to a funeral.

Oh, no.

Really?

Yes.

My last girlfriend.

She died from exhaustion.

[cackling laughter]

Hello.

Hello, Father.

This is Pat Mustard, the new milkman.

Oh.

Yes, Just from over the south side of the island.

Thought I'd spread myself around a bit.

Mrs. Doyle, you need to do some dusting up

in Father Jack's room, and there's a huge cobweb

in the shed needs removing.

All right, also, Father.

Well, I'll be on my way, Padre.

Or on my rounds.

Right, Ted, looks like an ordinary blackboard,

doesn't it?

Yes.

That's what I thought.

But watch this.

You see?

You can rub off the letters.

You can do that with every blackboard, Dougal.

What?

This is a very milky cup of tea, Mrs. Doyle.

This is almost an all milk cup of tea.

I mean, is there any tea in here at all?

Well, no.

Anyone would think you were trying

to use up all the milk so that Pat Mustard can

come here more often.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Pat's very interesting though, Father.

At the weekends, he's a swimming instructor in the pool.

And he fought in Vietnam and he's a former Mr. Universe

and he taught Elvis Presley how to play karate.

It sounds to me as though he's telling you a few tall tales.

What do you think, Dougal?

Well, Ted, I'm very cynical as you know.

Well, Father, it's not my place, I know.

But it sounds to me like you're a little bit jealous.

Jealous?

Of Mr. Milkie Man?

I very much think not.

What are you doing, Dougal.

I was just looking at some of the hairy babies from today.

There's something about them.

Let's see.

Oh, gosh.

What?

This is a terrible thing to say,

but if you took this baby's mustache, this baby's head

hair, this baby sideboards, and put them together,

I think you'd get Pat Mustard.

Do you think the babies are copying his style.

No, Dougal, I think it's more likely

that Pat Mustard has been, you know, delivering

more than dairy products.

No.

You mean he's been, well, I can't--

whoo, oo, he, no, hey, what, he's been what?

I think we should do a little detective work,

find out what this Pat Mustard fellow is up to.

[laughing]

Hello, Father?

Oh, Pat was wondering if he could

put his massive tool in my box.

What?

How dare you?

Yeah, it's too big for the milk float.

I'll pick it up tomorrow.

Mrs. Doyle, could you leave us for a few moments?

Surely, Father.

I know what's going on Pat Mustard.

There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island,

and I think you are the hairy baby maker.

Oh yeah?

Well, I think that you would need

proof if you are going to make that sort of an accusation.

And I'm a very careful man, Father, a very careful man.

Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.

Now, you wouldn't be advised of the use

of artificial contraception, now, Father, would you?

Yes, I, no, if you're going to be,

I, of course, you just feck off.

You'd want to get up very early

in the morning you catch me, Father, very

early in the morning.

And now, to ride Mrs. O'Reilly.

Dougal, did you get that?

Ted, I turned up the volume as loud as I can in case

I can hear what's going on inside the house.

A this level you can hear a pin-

[train goes by]

Right.

Now we wait.

Oh, no, he's finished.

God.

Theresa, I forgot me fecking trousers.

Aha.

Shameful, dear God, disgraceful.

Look at that.

Have you ever seen anything like that?

No, I have not.

Right.

How should we do this?

How about two pounds each for this, this, and this,

and a tenner for the rest?

Well I wasn't trying to sell them to you.

I just wanted to show you what one of your employees

was up to on his rounds.

Oh.

Oh, , Oh my god, yes.

Why?

What did you think?

Oh, I completely misread the situation.

But please, this is disgraceful behavior.

This employee shall be removed from his job straightaway.

Thank you for bringing this to our attention Father, really.

Hey you.

Who's going to deliver the meat now?

Actually next week is a big week for us.

We recently agreed to ease the milk surplus problems

of the newly liberated Eastern European Republic of Proptunova

by buying 17 thousand tons of milk from them.

Pat's sacking couldn't have come at a worse time.

God, it's terrible to think of all that lovely milk

floating around and going sour with no

one dropping it off anywhere.

I wish I could do it.

Well, we could certainly trust you, Father.

You are after all a man of God.

A what?

A priest.

Well yeah.

Thanks for reminding me.

But I'd love to be a milkman for a while.

That would be fantastic.

God knows I do flip all around here.

It's not a bad idea.

You could certainly a fill in for a while.

Oh I'm not sure.

Father McGuire has other duties at the parish.

Like what?

Now be sure to keep warm, won't you?

Ted.

Not in front of Mr. Fox.

And stay to the left side of the road.

Duh, I know.

Stop it.

That turns it on.

That makes it go.

That steers it.

OK, right.

OK.

You're ready to be a milkman.

You better get going, actually.

Milk get sour, you know.

Unless UHD milk.

But there's no demand for that because it's shit.

[horn honks]

He'll be fine, Father

Ah!

What's going on?

Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick.

It's a great old pet for him.

He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet.

Suits him down to the ground.

I love my brick.

Ah, that's nice.

Maybe we're seeing another side to Father Jack,

a more caring considerate--

[clink]

Ah, feck it.

Fed up with brick.

[phone rings]

Craggy Island Parochial House.

Father Ted Crilly speaking.

It's me, Father.

You ignorant bastard. - Who's that?

Is that you, Mustard?

You got me sacked.

And now I'm having to yank myself off

round the clock because I haven't

got any proper sex with girls.

Well, if you're going to use that language.

No, don't hang up.

I've something to tell you. .

I've left a little surprise on the milk

float your little friend took off me.

Something to remember me by, a bomb.

What?

A very special bomb.

When your little friend gets to over four miles an hour,

then the bomb will be armed.

But.

When he comes back under four miles an hour, then Boom.

Sorry, I lost you there.

What happens when it goes under four miles an hour?

It'll go off.

Oh, my god, Dougal.

[laughter]

Mrs. Miller, two pints.

Two pints.

Two pints of milk.

[doorbell rings]

Father, oh my god.

Two pints, two pints, two pints.

There you go.

Bye then.

[doorbell rings]

Morning, Mrs. Gleason.

[scream]

OK, right.

I'll just leave it here then.

[horn honks]

Dougal, Dougal, are you going over four miles an hour?

Ah, Ted, I'm doing fine.

Leave me alone.

Are you doing over four?

Not yet.

Now I am.

Dougal, listen to me.

There's a bomb on the milk float.

A bomb? Right.

Who's that for?

No, you're not supposed to deliver it to anyone.

It's going to go off and kill you.

Pat Mustard put it there because I got him sacked.

When you go under four miles an hour, it'll go off.

The bomb will go off.

Have you got that?

Oh, god, help.

I don't want to be a milkman any more.

You'll be safe as long as you don't slow down.

Oh, Ted, look.

It's a big bunch of boxes in the middle of the road.

Just stay over four.

Go, Dougal, go, go, go.

Just get to the roundabout and start circling it.

I have to have a think.

Ted!

Barren Island Parochial House, Father Beeching here.

Dougal's in trouble.

He got a job as a milkman.

And the previous milkman has put a bomb

on the milk float that will blow up when the milk float

goes under four miles an hour.

Yes, that is a problem.

Don't panic, Ted.

We'll find a way through it.

We've got to do something practical, something

that will really help Dougal.

Wait, I have it.

Lord be with you.

No mass.

Mass today is being offered for Father Dougal McGuire,

[inaudible] a most trying and unfortunate situation.

We pray that God will protect him from harm at this time

and deliver him to safety.

[laughter]

Oh, yes.

I'll be peeling him off the walls for weeks to come.

Mass has ended.

Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

Dougal, there's the roundabout.

Just kept driving round and round.

Everything's going to be OK.

But I get dizzy.

Don't get dizzy.

Hold on.

We've got to come up with a plan.

Back to my house and step on it.

That's the idea?

The best we've had, Ted.

Another mass, that's our best idea?

I thought the other one went very well.

Dougal needs help not, not a mass.

There is a time for mass and a time for action

and this is a time for action.

Is there anything to be said for seeing another mass?

Just a small one?

Oh, God, I love saying mass.

Him and his masses.

There was a time a few years ago,

we were at the Moscow Olympics with Sean Drea the rower.

This is great story.

We don't have time!

Won't take a second.

For God's sake, will you all just shut up and help me come

up with a practical solution?

Tea for everyone.

Father Beeching, biscuit or cake.

Biscuit or cake, biscuit or cake, let's see.

For God's sake, hurry up, man!

Biscuit, no cake!

Have you seen the damage a bomb can do?

It'll blow your face into the side of a tree.

Well, it's worked for them and they saved hundreds of lives.

We only have to save one.

That was different.

The Towering Inferno was a big building that caught fire.

You can't apply the same criteria to rescuing a priest

from an explosive milk float.

And besides, they had Paul Newman and Steve McQueen.

God Almighty, it's so long since I've seen it I

forgot Steve McQueen was in it.

Wait, I've got it.

The Poseidon Adventure. - What?

Gene Hackman plays a priest in it.

Well, that was no help at all.

He didn't even say mass.

Come, let's get down to the roundabout.

Let's see if we can think of something there.

Oh!

Fecking brick.

Wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

Yes, gentlemen.

Father Dougal is propelling the milk

float by exerting a small amount of pressure on the accelerator.

If we can replace his foot with an object that applies

the same pressure, then I think we can safely

remove him from the vehicle.

You mean?

Yes.

We put the brake on the accelerator.

Dougal!

What?

It's a daring plan.

But you're going to have to trust me.

Ted, I want to be a priest again.

And you will be, Dougal.

It's not really your type of thing, is it?

No, I don't like this job at all.

All right.

When I say step off, move foot, you step off and move foot.

All right?

Just brace yourself and keep saying,

I want to be a priest again.

I want to be a priest again.

I want to be a priest again.

I want to be a priest again.

I want to be a priest again.

Step off and move foot, Dougal.

Ted, you forgot your brick!

Put it back!

Put it back!

Run, Dougal.

I'm a priest!

[laughter] Oh, yes.

I'm afraid you messed with the wrong milkman, Father.

Well, if you don't mind, I'm off.

Better get out the earplugs, Father.

Because when that milk float goes up,

you'll hear it all the way to the North Pole.

[explosion]

There you are, Dougal.

Thanks, Ted.

Are you sure you don't any milk in it?

Oh, no, no, no.

I think I'll stay off milk for a good long while.

Why did I ever want to become a milkman, Ted?

You should stick to what you're good at

and I'm good at being a priest.

Yes.

Ted, it's scary out there in the real non-priest world.

Dougal, not every job as dangerous as being a milkman.

Anyway, good night.

Good night.

Ted.

Those women were in the nip.