Original subtitles

[music playing]

Hello, Fargo.

Ah, [inaudible] hello.

You have Chris looking great for the competition.

Thanks, lads.

Ah Father Crilly, hello there.

Fargo.

How's the champ?

Ah he's great.

Few quid on him this year, father?

I'll put the entire annual heating allowance on him

to win.

If he doesn't win, what does that mean, Father?

Well, we won't have any heating.

But if the rest of the year stays as warm as the summer,

we're laughing.

[inaudible] it's Chris, he's the champ, talk about a safe bet.

Giant, have you heard about this creature

going around terrorizing sheep on the island?

No.

Tell me more.

They say it's as big as a jaguar.

The car?

No, the big cat thing.

And its face is all teeth, big white teeth as sharp as nails.

Has it killed yet?

No, but it's only a matter of time.

I hope It doesn't get any of my sheep.

No man's sheep is safe.

Oh dear.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

MAN: (ECHOING) Has it killed yet?

MAN: No, but it's only a matter of time.

Big white teeth has sharp as nails.

[howling]

[drumming]

[gunshots]

Dougal, give the album arrest now.

Ah, come on, Ted, it's brilliant.

I think people will soon give up listening

to pop music and listen to this type of thing instead.

You know, from what I hear in the charts

today I'm not sure if that's not happening already.

What?

This is so good though, Ted, isn't it?

They've got all kinds of things.

As if by magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.

[steam whistle]

Or take you on a trip into darkest Africa.

[toilet flushing]

Or bring you into a spooky castle on a stormy night.

[phone ringing]

Oooooh.

Ooooh.

Hello, Craggy Island Parochial House,

father Ted Crilly speaking.

(STUTTERING) Father.

Fargo?

Father, can you come over here quick?

Certainly, Fargo.

What seems to be the--

[dial tone]

I have to go out, Dougal, there's

something off with Fargo Boyle.

Mrs. Doyle, you all right?

You look terrible, doesn't she Dougal?

Awful, Ted.

I didn't get much sleep, Father.

I kept thinking I heard this terrible howling noise.

Oh, that'd be the beast.

What's this now?

There's something terrible on the moors, Father.

[creepy sound effect]

Moors?

We don't have any moors.

Well then there's something terrible roaming

around the place where normally that would be moors, Father.

They think it might be a kind of giant fox.

[thunder]

Dougal.

Sorry.

Ted, it couldn't be Jack, could it?

You could see how someone might mistake him for a big mad cat.

Don't forget, Dougal, during leap years

Father Jack is very much affected

by the changing of the seasons.

For a short while, a marvelous serenity enters his life

and he is at one with nature.

He's great when he's in the mood.

If only it lasted a bit longer.

I'd better go and make some tea.

[squelching]

Dougal, I told you to turn off that record.

But it is off.

What do you mean Chris isn't in the competition?

He's the champ, you have to enter him.

All this talk of the beast has got to him,

his nerves are shot.

I took a photo of him this morning.

Nerves? I mean, Fargo, it's a sheep.

He always had a very artistic temperament, Father.

But I mean, he's not a concert pianist, he's a sheep.

I don't see how--

oh my God.

I mean, when you compare it with what

he looked like last year.

It's like two completely different sheep.

He's off his food, he's not sleeping,

and he's started to burp.

[crying]

What am I going to do.

Fargo, pull yourself together.

Chris needs you now more than he's ever needed you.

Come on, I want to see him.

He doesn't want to see anybody, Father.

Fargo, that's an order.

Take me to see Chris the unhappy sheep.

God, Dougal, you should have seen him,

he's just a shadow of a sheep.

I'm not surprised, Ted, if I was a sheep I'd

be watching my back right now.

Why?

Because of the beast.

They say it's as big as four cats

and it's got a retractable leg so's

it can leap up at you better.

And do you know what, Ted?

It lights up at night.

And it's got four ears, two of them are for listening

and the other two are kind of back up ears.

Are it's claws are as big as cups and for some reason,

it's got a tremendous fear of stamps.

Mrs. Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail

so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you.

And instead of a mouth, it's four asses.

Dougal, it's a legend, it doesn't exist.

Right Ted, the way The Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist.

The Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist.

Look, I'm not going to get into this what does exist

and what doesn't exist debate again, OK?

But I'm going to have to insist you add those last two

examples to the chart. - But Ted--

Dougal.

No I'm more worried about that bet I put on Chris

becoming King of the Sheep.

You don't think he'll win, then?

No burping sheep has ever won it.

What about Big Brendan in 1983?

Fluke.

Anyway, it's just a heating budget.

And look what the weather news says.

Ted, that's last year's weather news.

What?

This is this year's.

Oh no.

I'll have to go and see if John and Mary will let

me take my money back tomorrow.

I might go down with you, see if they've

got another sound effects album, volume five.

Fair enough.

Good night then, Dougal.

[howling]

I bet Some of his ears are on the inside of his head.

And when he yawns it sounds like Liam

Neeson chasing a load of hens around inside of barrel.

Hello, Fargo.

And he doesn't have any eyebrows at all

except on Saturdays.

[yelling]

And you can stay in there until

you learn some feckin' manners.

MARY: [inaudible] bastard.

And I've thrown away the key.

How do you like that, huh?

Hello, John.

Hello Father Crilly, hello Father McGuire.

Where's Mary?

Oh, she's aware that her mother's.

MARY: No.

Is there someone in the cupboard?

MARY: Hello, Fathers.

Mary?

Oh, Mary, I forgot you were there.

I thought you were at your mother's.

MARY: No, I didn't go to my mother's after all.

I'm in the cupboard.

Mary, what are you doing in there?

Oh, I know.

It's because of this beast of Craggy Island thing.

I thought that Mary would be safer in the cupboard.

MARY: That's right, I'm better off here.

What can I do you for, Father?

Well, a pack of 20 [inaudible]..

MARY: Certainly, Father.

I'll get them, love, you stay in the cupboard.

John, can I have a word?

MARY: Is Father McGuire there?

I am.

Hello, Mary.

MARY: Lovely day, isn't it, Father?

Oh yes.

MARY: You're looking great, anyway.

I'm sorry, Father, a bet's a bet.

It's just that if the girl doesn't have the operation,

she won't be able to fetch water for her village.

I am sorry, Father.

It's a pity you didn't wait, though, the odds

have lengthened to 20 to 1 on account

of Chris's nervous troubles.

Anyway, your cigarettes.

Thanks.

Ted, they don't have the sound effects album.

We might as well just go.

MARY: Bye Fathers.

Bye.

Bye

MARY: Well, I hope you're satisfied.

Ah, shut up.

Look, there's Giant Reid.

Hello, Giant.

What are you thinking about there, Ted?

You should see the big serious look in your face.

I can't see Chris winning this competition, Dougal.

Ted, it's pointless even thinking about it,

you're only wasting your time.

There's nothing we can do about the situation.

We just have to accept the fact and that's that.

How about we bring Chris over here for a while?

Maybe the change will do him good?

Oh wow, brilliant.

I knew there was something we could.

Didn't I say it?

Didn't I say it to you there just a second ago?

No.

No you didn't.

You said the exact opposite.

There was absolutely nothing we could do.

Actually, Ted, you've done this to me

before so I took the liberty of taping the conversation.

Now, if we just have a listen.

(RECORDING) Ted, it's pointless even thinking about it,

you're only wasting your time.

There's nothing we can do about the situation.

We've just got to accept the fact and that's that.

I stand corrected.

Ah, there he is now, anyway.

[burp]

I'm still not sure about this now, Father.

Don't worry, Fargo, by the next time you see him,

he'll be a new sheep.

If not, we'll make him into a jumper and a few chops.

[laughter]

I'm terribly sorry.

That was just tasteless.

I am terribly, terribly sorry.

I'll be off then.

OK.

And, seriously, if there's one place he' can

be sure of peace and quiet--

[shouting]

I think it would be an insult to you

if I finished that sentence.

You're up early, Father.

Ah, yes.

We're off to try and get Chris into shape for the competition.

Do you think would our new guest

like a cup of tea, Father?

The little sheep fellow.

I don't think they drink tea, Mrs. Doyle,

not unless you have some special sheep tea.

Yes.

What?

I do have some sheep tea in the kitchen.

Right, well, give him-- give him some of that, then.

OK so.

God, Ted, it's nearly midday.

Did we have to get up this early?

Has to be done, Dougal.

We've got to get Chris from looking

like this to looking like this.

[music playing]

His

Hello, Father.

Did you-- is he--

I'm sorry.

We tried everything.

Ah well, I suppose I better take him home.

Ah-ha.

Ah-ha, gotcha.

What'd you do?

What'd you do?

Just did my best.

I don't know what to say.

Father, can I buy you a drink to celebrate?

Oh, all right.

Dougal, you mind Chris till we get back

and don't let him wander off.

Keep an eye on him.

And keep that front door closed. - OK, Ted.

He's the best feckin' sheep ever.

Little sheep face.

And you have to say it, [inaudible]

Really?

He only cost 23 pounds, 23.

There's some clause where I have to pay more if his image is

ever used on stamps.

But still, a great bargain for such a happy sheep.

[laughter]

Is that [inaudible]?

Yeah.

Is he wearing a crown.

[interposing voices]

Very good, yes.

Good-bye.

Dougal, I noticed that the front door is wide open.

Oh it is, yes, Ted.

And I see that we are currently sheepless.

Oh.

[screaming]

Dougal, I told you to keep the front door closed.

Now just hold it there, Ted.

(RECORDING) Don't let him wander off, keep an eye on him

[howling]

And keep that front door--

What's that?

The beast, come on.

How will we know which way to go?

Sheep, like all wool bearing animals,

instinctively travel north where it's colder

and they won't be so stuffy.

So we have to go north.

Which way is north?

I don't know.

[howling]

Quick.

It seems to be coming from all around us.

The Sioux Indians in the Arizona desert

used to be able to pinpoint exact location of Buffalo

by gauging the position of the moon

and putting their ears to the ground.

Actually Ted, maybe the sound is coming from that stereo.

[howling]

[burp]

Ted, it's Chris.

Is he all right.

He's fine.

He must have realized it was just a big stereo

hanging from a tree.

Let's bring him home, Dougal.

I think I'm beginning to figure out what's been going on.

Well, it's been an easy decision.

There's one out and out winner and rather them waste time

with a speech, I get on with the job of announcing the winner

who today has come first in this competition to see who

the winner is in the King of the Sheep competition

that we have all come to today wondering

who, indeed, will it be who wins the prize of King of the Sheep.

The winner of this year's King of the Sheep competition is--

Stop.

What is the meaning of this?

This competition is a sham and a fraud and a sham.

How dare you?

There has been a deliberate and scurrilous

attempt to sabotage this high profile sheep competition.

Those responsible are in this very room.

Giant Reid and Hud Hastings.

[murmuring]

Fuckin' hell.

You better have something to back that up with, Father.

Oh, I do, I do.

You were the ones who constantly chattered

of the so-called Beast of Craggy Island

always within hearing distance of Chris the sheep.

Fargo, how's the champion.

And it was you who used the copy of "BBC's

Sound Effects, Volume Five" to add weight

to those fanciful claims.

Create An impressionable sheep could not help

but be convinced by the late night howlings

of terrible monster type A.

Is this true?

Well, well, well.

What a pretty picture father Crilly has painted.

How dare you bring shame on this celebration of sheep.

Don't be too hard on them--

sorry I don't know your name.

Allen.

Don't be too hard on them, Allen.

They were simply pawns.

The real villain and this piece has yet to be revealed.

Fargo Boyle.

What?

[murmuring]

Fuckin' hell.

That's nonsenses.

Not I'll just go now and take my trophy.

It was you who was disappointed at the poor odds

Chris was receiving, you who planned to manipulate

those odds by sabotaging your own sheep

and then staging a miraculous recovery

on the day of the competition.

You who paid Giant and Hud to talk about the beast

in front of Chris.

Ah Hud, Giant, hello there.

But you didn't count on the vanity of your accomplices

who used their new found wealth to buy a fur coat and a crown.

And it was you who bought the BBC

sound effects record just before Father Dougal had a chance to.

You gave the sheep to me knowing that as a priest

with an intuitive understanding of sheep,

I could nurse him back to health.

You, you, you.

Chris, Chris, it's not true, it's not true.

No, no, no, don't look at me, don't look at me.

Should I call the police, Father?

No.

He's lost the trust of his sheep,

that's punishment enough for a farmer

who deals primarily with sheep.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a bit of a stench in here

and I need some fresh air.

One thing, Ted, if Chris has been disqualified,

doesn't that mean you've lost the heating

allowance money on the bet?

I know it's a radical step, Dougal,

but it is very, very cold.

See you in three months, then, Ted.

[music playing]

[applause]

Actually, better go to the toilet first.