Original subtitles

[gentle chiming]

[classical music]

What about Tuesday?

Can you do the 11 o'clock mass?

Ted!

I'll do the 11:00 and the 12:00.

You should have a rest after that weekend away.

Well, Paris does tend to take it out of me.

I'm all for a game.

Ted, care to join me?

No thanks, Darren.

What time are we going to the car for the races?

I suppose after lunch. Oh!

Mrs. Dunn hopes you like pheasant.

I love pheasant.

This is what it's all about, fine port,

beautiful surroundings, and intelligent company.

Did you not have all that at your last parish?

No.

Dublin seems to suit you, though.

You have got a newfound gleam in your eye.

Ah, yes.

I should be staying here for a good while,

as long as I don't mess it up for myself

by doing something stupid. [chuckles]

Most of these accounts seem in order, Father Smith.

But I wonder, could I ask Father Crilly about one or two

of these things that he's put down under expenses?

Dad!

[theme music]

[helicopter whirring]

[explosion]

[whirring]

What is making that incredibly annoying noise?

Oh, that's Renaldo.

It was a bit lonely without you, Ted,

so I got a hamster instead.

Can I ask, though, does he ever stop

running in that fecking wheel?

No.

He's had to use the wheel ever since he

rode this into his feed tray.

But don't worry, Ted.

I think there's just something wrong with the brakes.

How long has Father Jack been living in there?

He started just a few days after you left.

Maybe he's agoraphobic.

Jack scared of fighting?

I don't think so, Ted.

[rumbling]

[screaming]

[thumping]

Mrs. Doyle just fell off the roof.

I think I'll go out, Dougal.

Visit Father Fitzpatrick.

I think he has a book belonging to me.

Let's see, the Humana Vite.

You know, sometimes I leaf through this

to see just how far we've come.

Celebration of the Christian Mysteries,

Deus Canada, Ventra Metbelow.

Ah!

Stephen King's The Shining.

Well, thanks for the tea, Father.

See you the next time we, um--

we, uh-- sorry about this, Father.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but what if you

got a padlock on that door for?

Is there something top secret in there?

- My collection. - Oh, yes.

That's right. What is this you collect?

It's war memorabilia.

That's right. Would you like to have a look?

Oh, I'd love to.

[keys rattling]

Taken from the German advance on Russia.

You can see where the hammer hits the shell casing.

Gosh, that's very interesting.

These are helmets.

Mostly infantry.

Yes.

These would be German as well, wouldn't they?

That's right.

You don't have anything from the Allied side?

No, no.

That sort of thing wouldn't interest me at all, I'm afraid.

Right.

That's my curiosity satisfied.

And this is the last photograph

taken of Herr Hitler.

He's signing a few death warrants there.

Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older.

Great, well, great!

This is all wonderful stuff.

Now, some people when they see it, they're not too sure.

But you seem genuinely interested.

Oh, I am genuinely interested.

MAN: Ahh!

Jesus!

What you doing here?

I told you no sleeping here.

[man muttering]

This is an old friend of mine, [inaudible]..

[MAN SINGING "DEUTSCHLAND, DEUTSCHLAND"]

[FATHER FITZPATRICK SPEAKING GERMAN]

[gentle music]

[metallic thump]

Fake!

Fake!

[metallic thump]

Fake!

Ted, look at the table.

It's so dirty I can write my name in it.

There's a G in Dougal.

Where?

Right.

That's it.

I'm fed up living in filth.

We're just going to have to get this place clean, Dougal.

And look at you!

Look at that hole in your tank top.

What if the parishioners saw that?

Where, Ted?

Oh, God, would you look at that!

This here.

Look!

A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window.

I mean, how could you get a perfectly square

bit of black dot on a window?

I would have thought that was practically impossible.

It's just Mrs. Doyle can't do any cleaning.

Her back is very bad since she fell off the roof.

[screaming]

[thumping]

See?

She can't keep her balance at all.

That's it, then.

I'm just going to have to come out and say it.

We're going to have to clean this place ourselves.

What?

You heard me, Dougal.

Are you with me? - Well, yeah.

Right then, let's go!

Let's clean this mother!

Yeah!

[ted sighing]

[light clinking]

Ted, what about that bit of the lamp that came off?

I could pick that up.

Good idea.

Wow.

I'm bored now.

Yeah.

Dougal, look.

Oh!

Oh oh oh!

I am Chinese if you please!

[chuckling goofily]

Come on, Dougal. Lighten up!

[laughing heartily]

Who-- who-- who--

Dougal, there were Chinese people there!

Oh, right, yeah.

I mean, what--

I mean--

That's the Yin family.

They're living over there in that old Chinatown area.

Chinatown-- there's a Chinatown on Craggy Island?

Dougal, I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression

if I'd known there was going to be a Chinaman there to see

me doing a Chinaman impression!

Why not, Ted?

Because it's racist!

They'll think I'm a racist!

I'm going to have to catch up with them

and explain I'm not a racist.

And basically, if I don't stretch my eyes

like that from time to time I get this thing

the doctor calls "fat eyes."

[engine roaring]

[father ted shouting]

Thanks, it was wonderful to see you again, bye!

[music]

Right.

That's that.

That's that, all right.

What's that?

I ordered some new stuff for the house.

Get rid of this old tash.

[exhaling]

Dougal, you don't think I upset those Chinese people earlier?

I don't know, Ted.

It was like the time we put on that variety show

and you did that impression of Stephen Hawking.

He was the last person you'd expect to turn up.

That was a million to one shot.

God, he can fairly move in that wheelchair when he's angry.

Ah, don't worry about it, Ted.

Anyway, who did you phone? Habitat?

No.

Habit Hat.

Like Habitat, it sells soft furnishings,

but also priests' clothes.

Does not get confused with Habitat?

Though?

No, that's never happened before, except just

there when you did it.

Anyway what else did you order?

A priest's socks.

Really black ones.

I read somewhere--

I think it was in an article about priests' socks--

the priests' socks are blacker than any other type of socks.

That's right, Dougal.

Sometimes you see laypeople wearing

what look like black socks.

But if you look closely, you'll see

they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.

Actually, that's true.

I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks.

But when I looked at them closely,

they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very,

very, very, very dark blue.

Never buy black socks in a normal shop.

They'll shaft you every time.

Hello there, Father.

Hello, Colm.

Out and about?

Ayah.

Same as yourself.

Good, good.

I hear you're a racist now, Father.

What, what?

How did you get interested in that type of thing?

Who said I'm a racist?

Everyone saying it, Father.

Should we all be racist now?

What's the official line the church has taken?

No, no!

Only the farm takes up most of the day.

And at night I'd just like a cup of tea.

I might be able to devote myself full time to the old racism.

Good for you, Father!

What?

Oh, Mrs. Carvey.

[chuckling]

Good for you, Father!

That someone had the guts to stand up to them at last!

Coming over here, taking our jobs and our women!

Our women! like they own the fecking place!

Well done, Father!

Good for you!

Good for you!

I'd like to fecking--

Fecking Greeks!

This isn't the Greeks.

This is the Chinese he's after.

I'm not after the Chinese!

I don't care who he gets as long as I

can have a go at the Greeks!

They invented gayness!

Look, we are not having a go at anybody!

I am not a racist, all right!

God!

Fecking Greeks!

How's Mary?

She's fine.

She got that job after.

Great!

[lively music]

Racist!

[lively music]

[music stops suddenly]

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Hello.

Is that the Yin Dynasty-- family!

Is that the Yin family?

Yes.

This is Sean Yin.

Father Ted Crilly here.

I think I owe you an apology.

[bell dinging]

Right, then. See you in awhile.

Aha, Dougal!

That's everything cleared up.

They're coming straight around.

Let's be very nice to them.

And people will stop saying that I'm a racist.

It's great!

Nothing could go wrong.

Fantastic!

So the story is you're not a racist.

Yes. What?

No! It's not a story.

I'm not a racist!

Tea, everyone.

[dishes clanking]

Father Crilly, I hear you're a racist.

No, Mrs. Doyle.

He's not a racist.

I am not!

I am not a racist.

Mrs. Doyle, we're going to have to do something for you back.

You can't go on like this.

I'm just going to try something.

No!

Don't worry, Mrs. Doyle.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Just relax!

No!

[mrs. doyle screaming]

[neck cracking]

Oh.

Oh, yes.

That's much better.

Are you sure? You look--

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

This is great!

[chuckling]

I'll be fine now, Father.

No!

Seriously, Father.

I feel 20 years younger.

Ted, the Chinese are coming.

Oh, right.

Where are they?

Oh, feck it.

This big mark is still on the window.

Ha, never mind.

Hello!

Hello!

I don't know why we have to talk to this fascist!

Come on now.

It may have just been--

[exasperated sigh]

Where are they going?

I invite them around and they don't even let me

tell them my side of the story!

[music]

This is terrible.

People think I'm some sort of Nazi racist.

And I'm not!

What can I do?

Ted.

Here's an idea, right off the top of my head.

I haven't thought it through, so it's probably not brilliant.

But what the hell?

I'll just talk and see what comes out.

Anyway--

What about some sort of special event

celebrating all the different cultures on Craggy Island?

And then people will think you're a fantastic

man instead of a big racist.

My God!

What?

That's a good idea!

No, it isn't.

It is, Dougal!

It is!

No, Ted.

There's probably something wrong with it.

You just haven't thought it through.

No, no, Dougal. You've had a brilliant idea!

But break it down for me a bit more.

What would an event celebrating all the different cultures

in Craggy Island actually be like?

What?

Well, what would it involve?

I mean, celebration, yes.

But what form could it take?

Ted, I want out.

What do you mean?

I went to far too soon.

I didn't know what I was getting into, Ted.

I didn't know you had to follow up a good idea with loads

more little good ideas.

I'm sorry, Ted.

I'm going to sleep in the spare room.

Dougal!

I'm sorry!

You old fool.

I've sheltered you for 50 years.

You've never even made me a cup of tea!

You make the tea.

I do the washing up.

When did you do the washing up?

I did it for the whole of 1947!

And again in 1973!

You liar!

You broke all the plates and then

you went, ah, I am so tired.

I never had to wash up plates when I was in the warmacht!

No, never!

You're driving me insane!

I'm going to take a Valium.

Oh, I want one, too.

Oh, why must you ape everything I do?

Wait.

These aren't Valium!

These are the cyanide we kept for emergencies!

You put cyanide next to the Valium, you old fool!

That's asking for trouble.

Oh, shut up.

You shut up!

We've only got 50 seconds to live!

That is just fine by me!

Good! Fine by me, too.

Good! I'm glad it is.

Well, I'm glad you're glad it is.

Good!

Good!

[thumping]

[somber music]

MRS. DOYLE: Oh, holy Mary mother of God

and Jesus and his blessed saints oh holy Mary--

I'm cured!

What happened, Mrs. Doyle?

I stepped on the hamster's bike

and fell down the stairs, Father.

Dougal, I thought I told you to put away that bike safely.

I did, Ted.

I put it back in the cage.

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't worry, Father.

It's great!

I feel fantastic!

I'd completely forgotten that I can turn

my head right around like this!

All right.

Well, listen.

That stuff from Habit Hat is arriving today.

So when it comes, give Father Jack-- where is Father Jack?

I think he's up the chimney.

Right. But--

Will I burn him out, Father?

Oh, good God, no.

The smoke would back up.

It would be all over the house.

Anyway, when that stuff comes, put it all up, all the--

new rugs and the things for the chairs and the--

that's your thing, really.

I wouldn't know about that sort of stuff because I'm a man.

Anyway, we're off to the celebration of Craggy

Island's ethnic diversity.

["KUNG FU FIGHTING" BY CARL DOUGLAS PLAYING]

Everybody was kung fu fighting

Those kicks were fast as lightning

[applause]

Welcome.

Willkommen.

[speaking foreign language]

It's a great honor and privilege for me

to present this celebration of the wide diversity of cultures

that exist today on Craggy Island,

namely Chinese people and people from Craggy Island.

I've prepared a short slide presentation which reflects

this multicultural mix.

So without further ado, let's, uh, let's start the show.

This man visited the island a few years ago.

I forget his name now.

But I got on very well with him, so I just show it at this time.

Will there be any free drink at this?

Yes, there will be a limited supply

of free drink afterwards.

The Great Wall of China, a miracle

of Chinese engineering so big you can see

it from anywhere in the world.

Chairman Mao, secretary of the Communist Party of China.

One of the biggest communist parties

in the world, and in my view, the best.

Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid.

One of my favorite films, not because of the Karate Kid

himself, but because of Mr. Miyagi.

Not a day goes by when I don't remember one

of his many words of wisdom.

Kettle!

[chuckling]

Where will he spring from next?

The Maori.

I'm sorry.

I don't know how that got in there.

[clearing throat]

Of course, there are no Maoris on Craggy Island.

Ming the Merciless.

Best of all, the Chinese people themselves.

Look at them there.

Aren't they great?

The Chinese.

A great bunch of lads.

[chuckling] Right.

I think I've addressed all aspects of Chinese culture.

And I'd like to thank you all for coming here tonight and--

[inaudible]

Just come up and have a little chat.

[lively music]

Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap.

The free drink?

Very much appreciated.

Thank you, Father Crilly.

Yes.

Well, I just wanted to clear things up.

I'm not a fascist.

I'm a priest.

Fascists dress in black and go around telling people

what to do, whereas priests--

More drink!

MEN: Hooray!

Anywhere, there.

- Would you like a cup of tea? - Oh, no.

No, thanks. No.

I have a kind of allergic reaction to it, you know.

It's very rare, but pretty serious.

If I drink tea there's a 70% chance I'll die.

Well, I'll make you a cup anyway.

In case you change your mind.

Thanks anyway.

To China!

MEN: Hooray!

To Craggy Island!

MEN: Hooray!

More drink!

MEN: Hooray!

I'm sorry.

The bar's closed.

MEN: Hooray!

Tell you what.

How about everyone comes back to my place for a drink?

MEN: Hooray!

Wait.

I need to go to the toilet first.

MEN: Hooray!

Hooray!

[father ted chuckling]

Mrs. Doyle, we have guests.

Did that stuff arrive?

Yes.

And I felt so fantastic, I put it all up in less than an hour.

[chuckling]

And there was this letter.

Dear Father Crilly.

On the instructions of our recently deceased client,

Father Seamus Fitzpatrick, here are

some items which he specified you should

have in the event of his death.

[bell dinging]

I can explain everything.

Actually no, I can't.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Sorry again.

And-- and most importantly, have you opened that present yet?

No.

I'm looking forward to it, though.

A year's supply of whiskey!

How very generous!

Yes, the problem there is basically,

you see, there's been a bit of a change of plan.

[music]

[gentle chiming]