Original subtitles

[opening music]

[helicopter]

[explosion]

Here we go, Dougal.

22, 23-- this is us.

Ted, we should've got a window seat.

No, no, Father. You sit over there.

Though Dougal, to be honest I'd be too nervous to sit

beside the window.

Why is that?

Well I've never liked flying.

You know, if God had wanted us to fly

he'd have put the airports nearer to the City.

[chuckles]

Excuse me, Father.

You're-- you're sitting on my cardigan.

[groans]

Could you-- could you not breathe like that?

You're making a noise.

Ah, now really, Father.

Honestly, this is a no smoking flight.

So, Dougal, did you enjoy yourself?

Oh, I did yeah.

Kilnettle is great, isn't it Ted?

I mean, it must be the holiest shrine in the world.

Top 10 anyway.

Yeah.

Funny, isn't it Ted?

Our Lady appearing on a golf course like that?

Where exactly did it happen again?

On the 13th hole.

She appeared to fella there on the green,

about a yard from the pin.

He was putting for a birdie and the ball hit her foot.

God almighty.

And then what happened?

Well, he just took a drop ball and put it down to experience.

Hello, Ted.

On the whole playing nicely?

I am, yes.

Same as yourself.

Who is that, Ted?

Well that's Father Joe Briefly, an old pal

of mine from St. Columns.

We used to have a nickname for him there, what was it?

Oh, yes.

Very funny.

We used to call him Himalaya Joe.

Had all this hair growing between his toes,

used to remind us of the abominable snowman.

Very funny.

And did you have a nickname, Ted?

No, I didn't.

You must have had one.

No.

Father Briefly!

Dougal!

Father Briefly, do you remember at all what Ted's

nickname was at St. Columns?

Oh, let's see.

Now what's this [inaudible].

Don't worry about it, Joe.

I'll, uh-- I'll tell him myself.

All right, shut up, Dougal.

It was-- Father Fluffy Bottom.

Some of the priests caught a glance

of my rear end in the showers after a game of football

once, and uh--

well, I had all this, um--

downy fluff growing around that whole area.

Oh, yes.

Father Fluffy Bottom.

Hilarious stuff.

And what did you do in the end?

Shave it off?

Shave it off?

Oh, not at all.

All right.

Father Briefly!

Dougal!

It was Father Fluffy Bottom.

Ah, yes.

That's right.

Because he had this big load of fluffy hair on his behind.

What did you do in the end, Ted?

Shave it off?

No, I didn't.

You can't get razors with handles long

enough to reach down to your--

Do you remember what they called you?

Himalaya Joe, because of all that thick black hair

growing between your toes.

That was actually a medical condition.

PILOT: This is your pilot speaking.

Fasten your seat belts, we will shortly be taking off.

Who did that?

Someone messing there.

What you got, Dougal?

I got this at the gift shop back at the airport.

But Dougal, we already have a tape

dispenser back at the house.

What did you buy that one for?

This is no ordinary one, Ted.

Watch.

You have used one inch of sticky tape.

God bless you.

Dougal, that is absolutely brilliant.

All ready I can think of hundreds of uses for it.

Get anything else?

Oh, I did yeah.

Look.

What's it do?

Squeeze it there.

It's a joke telephone.

[squeak]

Dougal, this is a dog toy.

What? No it's not, Ted.

It's a joke telephone.

Dougal.

This is a toy for dogs.

This is something people give their dogs on their birthday.

No, seriously Ted.

It's a joke telephone.

You just give it to someone and tell them it's a phone,

and they'll try to make a phone call on it.

Dougal!

Who would think this is a telephone?

Even a dog knows this isn't a phone.

Well, Ted, we'll agree to differ.

All right?

No we won't agree to differ because you're

very, very wrong.

Look.

Did the picture on the packet not even give you a clue?

Why do you think the dog looks so happy?

He's happy because somebody has given him a yellow rubber

telephone that makes a noise.

No, no.

He's laughing because someone is trying to make

a phone call on the telephone.

Dougal, dogs don't have the same kind of sense of humor

as us. They're not as advanced as us.

Why didn't you buy something sensible?

Like this, for example.

Now, put a coin in that.

Wow.

God, Ted.

That is fantastic.

What is it?

A sort of moneybox?

Yes.

You know, with something like this

it would be so easy to make it look cheap and tacky.

But just look at her there.

Pure class.

Now come on, now.

The joke's over.

Here we go.

Oh, God.

What's up with you, Ted?

Oh, it's just the tension before taking off.

I'll be OK in a minute.

Wouldn't it be terrible to be killed in a plane crash?

Yes.

Or if you just fell out of the plane.

If the floor just disappeared from under you, and you just

fell out.

And you'd be falling for ages and ages and ages.

[squeaking]

Felling a bit better, Ted?

No Dougal.

Not really, no.

Tell you what, maybe I'll give Larry Duff a call.

He developed a fear of flying after all

those crashes he was in.

He went to a hypnotherapist to cure it.

Told me I could give him a call any time I was feeling nervous.

Oh, for God's sake.

What was that?

Just a bit of turbulence.

God, I wish I was so nervous.

You know, Larry told me once you've more chance of being

trampled by a herd of stampeding donkeys

than you have of being killed in a plane crash.

[phone ringing]

No, he's not picking up.

[grunting]

Ted!

Hello, Father Furlong, hello.

[grunting]

Ah, yes.

It's very good.

[grunting]

Oh, I am a very big fan of his, all right.

Or should I say, a'wight.

[grunting]

No, there's no mention of it so far.

[grunting]

God, he has been driven mad.

He asked me to take him up to see the cockpit.

Cockpit, Ted?

Ah, Ted, can I have a look, too?

Well, Dougal, I'm not sure--

Oh, [inaudible].

What's he up to now?

Oh, God.

Look, he's going mad with excitement.

I better go. Coming, Father?

Great.

Dougal, don't touch anything.

We don't want an action replay of the ceiling incident.

All right, fair enough Ted.

Hello?

Oh, there you are, Father.

You wanted the official tour.

Oh, God yes.

He's been talking about nothing else all day.

Will you calm down, you money man.

These are the main controls.

Over here we have the gauges for engines one, two, and three.

Father.

Father! - What?

What? I wasn't going to press it.

Sorry, I was only asking if you've ever been in a cockpit

before. - No.

I was on the bridge of a ceiling ferry once, and it was funny

but I was looking at the controls and--

[coughs] Oh, and nothing happened at all.

Right, that's it.

[laughter]

Hey, come on now. What's so funny?

What's so funny?

Just come on now, the jokes over.

Who are you?

What do you mean, who am I?

You blind?

I'm the man you've been pelting with pieces of rolled

up paper for the whole journey.

- I have not. - Ah, yeah?

Why you're laughing then?

What's the big laugh about?

I'm listening to comedy on these.

It's Mr. Bean.

Oh, right.

And yes, I am blind as a matter of fact.

Is this since birth or is it more recent thing, you know?

Since birth.

Right.

That's very interesting, but I suppose your other senses

make up for it.

I hear that with blind people, their other senses

become more alert.

So to speak.

I suppose you can smell things from 10 miles away

and hear things before they happen.

[laughs awkwardly]

No.

No sixth sense of any kind?

I suppose in your case, it would be a fifth sense seeing

as you only got the four.

Unless there's another one missing that

I don't know about.

How's your sense of touch?

Could you go away now, please?

Yes, I'll uh--

I'll do just that.

[laughter]

[inaudible]

Come on now, we'll head back.

Say thank you to Mr. Pilot.

[yells] Oh, God.

He must have seen his reflection.

What?

He's not supposed to see his reflection,

he doesn't know he's a priest.

Stop it, Father!

Settle down!

[yelling]

Get him off me, I can't see!

Father McGuire, press the emergency button!

What?

The emergency button!

What does it look like?

The with emergency written on it!

Right.

I'll just go to the old toilet.

Is um-- is this the toilet?

First class toilet, sir.

Do you have a first class ticket?

No.

Then I'm afraid you have to go across the way.

[grunting]

Ted.

What?

Can I have a quick word?

FATHER TED: Yes, just a moment.

Right.

What's wrong, Dougal.

Well, slight problem Ted.

What?

Well apparently someone pressed a button in the cockpit

and uh--

something to do with the fuel, I think.

I think the person might have emptied one of the fuel tanks

by mistake.

Anyway, there's not enough fuel to make it to the airport.

Right so that would mean what exactly?

An emergency landing or something?

- Yeah, an emergency landing. - Right.

Right.

But the thing is, Ted, we don't actually

have enough fuel to make it to a place

where we can make an emergency landing.

And also, there's only two parachutes on board.

No, no, no.

No, wait a second, Dougal, before you carry on;

what did you say the name of this film was again?

No, no, no, no.

It's not a film.

It's not a film.

No.

So-- right, this is actually happening?

Yes.

This is happening now to us.

It is, yeah.

Dougal, here's a mad guess just out of the blue but um--

did you press the button?

Ah, no Ted.

Come on.

Did you, Dougal?

I did, yeah.

Hello, Ted.

Have you heard the news?

Yes, Noel.

What do we do, Ted?

Has anybody pressed the emergency button?

No.

Well shouldn't somebody give it a go?

Careful, Ted.

There might be a fine for improper use.

Dougal, this is definitely an emergency.

I think basically the most important thing is

to keep the other priest calm.

Not a word about this when you get back inside.

[sirens]

Nothing happened.

What does it do?

Never needed it before.

Father, who gets the parachutes?

God, that's a tough decision.

Oh, you're right there Ted.

Maybe we should just not tell anybody about them.

Just throw them off the plane.

Pretend they never existed.

No, Dougal, I don't think we should do that.

I have a better idea.

Right, this is my idea.

Basically, I think what we should do is this--

So in no more than 200 words, why you should get a parachute.

So we should just write about how great we are?

Yes.

I got my housekeeper pregnant a couple of years ago

and forced her to leave the country, should I mention that?

No, I wouldn't.

Are you going two take marks off for spelling mistakes?

Only if we end up in a tiebreaker situation.

Who'll own the copyright on this?

What?

Well, say if I was to survive and wanted

to write my autobiography could I use extracts from this thing

I'm going to write or would you own the copyright?

As far as I know you own the copyright,

but frankly the chances of surviving are very, very low.

Oh, right.

Should we not just a bit of an old pray?

I mean, maybe God will help us and--

Anyway have you all got pens and paper and everything?

Can I use my laptop computer?

I don't think you're allowed to use them.

I think they're dangerous, aren't they?

They interfere with the radar.

Yes, but we're going to crash anyway.

Right, right.

I see what you mean.

Well uh-- yes, use it.

Come on, Dougal.

Oh Ted, you're very calm altogether.

Have you gone mad or something?

No, it's just I've always hated flying

but now that we're in an emergency situation--

well, my fear has just transformed

itself into affirmative action.

Do you know what I mean?

I do, Ted.

Do you?

No.

All right, then.

Pens down.

Father O'Shea, you didn't stop writing.

I'm afraid you're disqualified.

You what?

That's not fair, I was only finishing.

Father Cave, do you want to go first?

I haven't written this down because it

comes from the heart.

Father Gallagher, I've known you and been

your friend for many years.

And now I think it's important to say I love you.

I love you more than anybody I've ever loved.

I don't want the parachute, give it to him!

[crying]

Right.

Well done, Father Cave.

Father Faye?

[clears throat]

[grunting]

[clapping]

Well, beat that.

Joe?

Well, uh--

I think I should get the parachute because I'm great.

In fact, I think I should get both the parachutes in case

one of them doesn't work.

Oh, not a popular one, Joe.

Father Flynn, what did you write?

I haven't written anything because I'm not very

good at that kind of thing.

But I did a drawing.

Right, well good. Can we have a look?

What do you think?

Well--

It's me.

In the nick with a dog.

How-- how does that help you win a parachute?

What do you mean, parachute?

I wasn't listening at the start there.

Why would I want a parachute?

The plane's in trouble and this is a competition

to see who gets a parachute.

Oh.

OK.

Father Jack, you next.

Father Jack?

Where's Father Jack?

The parachutes.

The parachutes have gone.

FATHER JACK: Free!

Ah, Ted, I just remembered that we're all going to die.

Dougal, I just wanted to say, uh--

I know sometimes I'm a little short with you.

Sometimes I'm not as patient as I should be.

But you know, in the end we're the best of friends.

What do you mean?

I'm just trying to say- I know sometimes I act like maybe you

get on my nerves but I suppose secretly

I think it's quite funny.

What's funny?

You know?

The way you mix things up and sometimes you

don't get what's going on.

Who are you talking about again?

You.

What about me?

I'm just trying to say--

Dougal, I like you.

Thanks very much. Who are you saying that to?

You!

I just said it there!

Hey!

We're on a plane!

Father.

Do you know what a section cubing stabilizing dot is?

No.

Do you know what a shell diversify E420 is?

No.

Do you know what a jet wrench three ply short stick is?

- No. - Do you know who I am?

You're the pilot.

Great.

I know what I did there, I started too big.

Father, do you know what a fuel reserve is?

Well, I'd imagine it's some sort of basic backup

to the main fuel tanks.

That's exactly it.

Now we have a fuel reserve, but the line

connecting it to the uh--

uh, thing on the wing?

Engine.

The engine, yes.

That line is broken.

If we could somehow fix that line, we might stand a chance.

Even sticky tape would do, but I've asked around

and there's none on the plane.

That's where you're wrong.

Dougal, give us the thing you bought there.

All your problems are over.

I wouldn't make any calls, Father.

It interferes with radar.

Dougal, the sticky tape.

[sighs]

Brilliant.

Now all you have to do is get out of the plane,

climb onto the wheels, underneath the fuselage,

and attach the line.

- And then we're saved? - Yes.

So I just climb out of the plane and--

hang on, what?

I climb out of the plane?

Yes.

I wouldn't trust anybody else, Father.

You've already proved you can keep a level head.

Then I'll do it.

FATHER DOUGAL: But Ted!

Dougal, I love all this.

When everything's going OK I keep

imagining all the terrible things that can happen.

And now that one of those things has actually

happened- it's just a rush.

I feel fearless.

Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.

I haven't seen that one.

Not many people have, Dougal.

It's probably a bad reference.

Anyway, let's go Captain.

Father, I'm not a Captain.

And I'm not someone who climbs under planes to fix fuel lines.

I think from now on we're anything we want to be.

I'll still be a priest.

You're a very brave man, Father.

I'm just doing a job.

Dougal, the sticky tape.

Well, I better get back to the cockpit.

Good luck, Father Ted.

TAPE DISPENSER: You have used three inches of sticky tape.

God bless you.

You have used for inches of sticky tape.

God bless you.

You have used eleven and 2/8ths inches of sticky tape.

God bless you.

FATHER TED: Ah, shut up.

Wait.

Wait, Dougal.

I think I've-- yes!

I've sealed up the line.

We're saved!

Oh, great!

FATHER TED: I've done it, Dougal.

We're going to live!

Everything's completely back to normal, Ted.

It's just your completely average day today,

commoner garden plane journey.

[screaming]

FATHER TED (SCREAMING): What am I doing on the fecking wheel?

[screaming]

Oh, right.

Right.

Thanks very much.

Well, Mrs. Doyle there's still no sign of Father Jack.

Oh, I hope he's all right.

And Father Crilly, I hate seeing him like this.

FATHER DOUGAL: Ah, he's beginning

to loosen his grip now.

Anyway, would you like a sandwich?

I cut them into the shape of an airplane.

No thanks, Mrs. Doyle.

I think Ted and me have had enough of airplanes

to do us a lifetime.

Haven't we, Ted?

FATHER JACK: Drink!

Feck!

Arse!

Drink!

Feck!

Arse!

Drink!

Feck! Arse!

Drink!

[screaming]

PILOT: This is your pilot speaking.

The emergency is over.

We will be landing in 20 minutes.

[cheers]