Original subtitles

[music playing]

[helicopter sounds]

[explosion]

[church bells]

[MUSIC - MOZART - REX TREMENDAE MAJESTATIS]

CHOIR: [singing latin]

[thump]

MRS. DOYLE (SINGING): La, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la--

Oh, Father!

I see you put up the old cross.

What's that all about?

Yes, well I thought people might

have been confused about where the parochial house is.

So I thought I'd put a big cross up in the middle of the garden.

Just hope they know it means I'm a priest and not some madman.

Some madman has put up a cross.

Lovely.

[thumping sound]

Ted, I'm off rollerblading.

FATHER TED: All right, Dougal.

[phone rings]

Hello, Craggy Island parochial house.

Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Hello Ted.

Dick Byrne here. - Oh.

Dick.

Well Ted, I just thought I'd give you a call

and wish you all the best for Lent this year.

What? Oh, yeah.

Lent.

What are you giving up?

Being the biggest eejit in the priesthood?

Seriously, Ted.

If we could just put joking aside for a minute.

Lent is a solemn time of year.

I know we've had our disagreements in the past, Ted,

but at the end of the day, we are both brothers in Christ.

Oh.

So anyway, over here we decided we'd make

a special effort this year.

I've given up cigarettes, Father Johnson is giving up alcohol

and Father McDuff is giving up skateboarding.

And I must say, the atmosphere of serenity and devotion

to our Lord in the parochial house this year

is very, very special, indeed.

Right.

So what about it, Ted?

Will you make a similar effort?

Will you join us, Ted?

Will you go the extra mile this year?

I suppose you're right, Dick.

I suppose we should make a special effort.

It'll be worth it, Ted.

God bless you.

Goodbye, Dick.

And God-- God bless you, Dick.

[evil laughter]

So that's it.

I'm giving up the fags.

Father Jack, I think you can give the old drink a miss.

And no more rollerblading for you until Easter, Dougal.

- Easter is miles away. - It is!

But it wouldn't be a sacrifice if it was too easy, would it?

And don't forget why we're doing this.

I know, I know.

Because of the sacrifice our Lord made--

It's much more important than that.

I'm not going to be beaten by Father Dick Byrne in the giving

things up competition.

And that's what this is-- a giving things up competition.

We've got to show them what we can do, especially

after that Scrabble fiasco.

You've never told us what happened there, Ted.

Oh he-- I don't know how he did it.

He must have cheated.

He must have.

But he got all his words to say "useless priest

can't say mass".

So right.

Have we got that?

No more fags, rollerblading, or booze until Easter.

Understood?

All right.

Who wants their afternoon drink?

Drink?

Oh, yes!

- No. - No?

No Father. It's Lent, remember?

You said you'd give it up for a couple of days.

- What? - Do you not remember?

You said you'd offer it up for our Lord.

Arnold?

Who's Arnold?

No, our Lord.

I suppose I made your vow for you.

But I know that deep down inside, you'd like

to make a little sacrifice.

Sacrifice?

Arse!

It's a very special time of the year for all of us.

Drink!

Drink!

You won't find any there, Father.

I've put them somewhere very safe.

Where?

[waves, seagulls calling]

Don't sulk, Father.

Here we go.

No more fags for me now until Easter.

Ah. Great.

No problem there at all.

Ha, ha ha.

[sighs] God Almighty, I don't even miss them at all.

This is easy!

Yes, I'm not even thinking about smoking.

Not even thinking about it.

Ha!

It's beginning to kick in, Ted.

I know, me too.

God, this is terrible.

I don't like this at all.

Maybe we should stick with it though, Ted.

I mean, we've come through worse together.

And don't forget-- Dick Byrne.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Don't you think so, Ted?

Hm?

Oh, I certainly do, Dougal.

Absolutely.

How are you doing, Father?

You all right there?

Do you want me to blah, blah, blah, blah,

Blah, blah, blah Father?

Father?

Is he all right?

I think he's, ah, just circling the airport.

[phone rings]

Better get that.

You all right there, Dougal? - What?

Oh yeah.

Don't make a show of yourself in front of them. (MOCKING)

Ah yes, Father, ah, no Father.

You're so great, Father.

Oh, you make me sick.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're fecking worse.

(MOCKING) Oh, Father, you're brilliant!

Oh, Father, you should be Pope.

Doesn't impress them.

Makes me sick.

God, you're an awesome--

- Ah, Father. - Hello, John.

Hello, Mary.

Father, you look wonderful.

Is-- is that a new outfit?

We thought you'd like some Easter eggs from the shop.

Oh that's terribly nice of you.

Thank you very much.

I think it comes to about eight pounds.

We thought we'd bring it down to you.

We're going on holidays and we're

not sure when we'll be back.

Yes.

We're going to Rome.

MARY: Oh!

So looking forward to it!

We might see your friend.

Who's that?

Sophia Loren?

No, Father.

The Pope.

He's no friend of mine!

Actually, that might have sounded a little disrespectful.

Sorry. - Ah, no problem, Father.

[eerie music playing]

Ah!

Ah!

[clock ticking]

[snoring]

[bottles rattling]

[snoring]

[rustling sound]

[click]

[thud]

One day.

You'd think we could go one day without giving

in to temptation.

Hello?

Hello?

God almighty, when I think of the sacrifices

that Matty Hislop made--

Who?

Matty Hislop.

He was a notorious drunkard who found God and then decided

to punish himself for his sins.

Oh, he used to do all kinds of things.

Like he had this terrible allergic reaction to cats.

So instead of avoiding them, he used

to carry a kitten in his pocket and sniff it from time to time.

His head just inflated like a balloon.

Fair play to him.

I mean, Dougal, could you not knock

the rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?

I know, I know, Ted.

I used to be happy enough with the old bike, you know?

I used to get a great buzz just going down to the shops.

But after a while, it just wasn't enough.

I just-- I just kept going for bigger and bigger thrills.

But I can handle it, Ted.

I could quit anytime I want.

Well, you tried to quit yesterday and you couldn't.

You're right, Ted. I admit it.

I have a problem.

Come on, now, Dougal.

No need for that.

Not now that we're getting outside help, anyway.

Come on, come on.

God, why do nuns have such awful music when you're on hold?

If I hear Ave Maria one more time, I don't know.

Excuse me!

(SINGING) Ave Maria!

FATHER TED (ON PHONE): Excuse me!

Yes?

FATHER TED (ON PHONE): How much longer

am I going to be on hold?

She'll be with you in a second, Father.

Ave Maria!

Hello?

Sister Mary Gondola, how can I help you?

Hello.

My name is Father Ted Crilly.

Look, I was wondering-- could you send somebody out?

We have a small problem here keeping our Lenten vows.

What do you wish to give up, exactly?

Well, um, cigarettes, alcohol, and um, rollerblading.

All right.

On special offer this month, we have the Lenten package.

150 pounds plus VAT plus booking fee.

That's 200 pounds.

200 pounds?

I'm not trying to buy cocaine!

We have a basic offer at 50 pounds.

Ah, yes. That'll do fine, thanks.

Now how do you wish to pay?

We accept all major credit cards.

[beeping]

Can you hold please, Father?

(SINGING) Ave Maria!

[gargling]

Listen, I'll have to ring you back.

What's up with him, Ted?

[gargling]

It looks like the last of the alcohol has left his system.

I think he might actually be sober.

Is that it, Father?

Are you seeing things as they really are, at last?

Oh my God!

Yes, yes.

That's it, all right I suppose sobriety

for Father Jack must be sort of like taking

some mad hallucinogenic.

Where are the other two?

The other two?

Ah, I see.

The old vision is back to normal.

No, there's just the two of us, Father.

And what do you two do, then?

We're priests.

What?

Priests?

Don't tell me I'm still on that fecking island!

Well, well, yes.

Yes, Father.

How do you feel?

Must be great to be sober every once in a while.

Or even every 12 years.

Chair!

Well done, Father!

Curtains!

Yes, that's right!

Floor!

All coming back to you, is it, Father?

Gobshite!

Yes!

I remember!

I remember!

[music playing]

I'm off on my Lenten pilgrimage, now, Fathers.

Oh, off to St. Patrick's hill.

What's that, Ted?

Oh, it's a big mountain.

You have to take your socks off when you go up it.

And once you get up to the top there,

they chase you all the way back down with a big plank.

It's great fun.

Oh, I don't want it to be any fun at all, Father.

I want a good, miserable time.

Keep me on the straight and narrow.

I met a couple there last year and it

did them a world of good.

They were a bit obsessed with the old S-E-X. God,

I'm glad I never think of that type of thing, Father.

That whole sexual world.

God, when you think of it, it's a dirty, filthy thing,

isn't it Father?

Can you imagine, Father, looking up at your husband and him

standing over you with his lead in his hand,

wanting you to degrade yourself!

God almighty, can you imagine that, Father?

Can you picture there, Father?

Oh get a good mental picture.

Can you see him there, ready to do the business?

Doorbell!

Doorbell, Mrs. Doyle.

The doorbell.

Hey!

Hey, hey-- You there.

What the hell is this?

That's a spoon, Father. Come on.

She'll be here.

Might as well go and meet her.

Hello there-- ah!

Sister Assumpta!

Hello, Father.

Dougal, Dougal.

Do you remember Sister Assumpta?

Ah, no.

She was here last year.

And then we stayed with her in the convent back in Kildare.

Do you remember it?

Aye, ya do.

And then you were hit by the car when you went down

to the shops for the paper.

You must remember all that?

And then you won 100 pounds with your lottery card?

Ah, you must remember it, Dougal.

Um, weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting?

I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you.

And the police station went on fire?

And you had to be rescued by helicopter?

FATHER TED: Do you remember?

You can't remember Any of that?

huh?

The helicopter.

When you fell out of the helicopter.

Over the zoo.

Do you remember the tigers?

You don't remember?

You were wearing your blue jumper.

Ah!

Sister Assumpta!

Hello there.

I have to say I had no idea, Sister Assumpta, that you're

with the Matty Hislop crowd.

Oh, yes.

Ever since I read his pamphlets, abstinence has been

both my keeper and my reward.

Yeah, great.

Well anyhow, all we want is the basic 50

quid job-- the bare essentials.

Keep us off the booze and fags and the rollerblading.

I'm afraid the rollerblading is my own particular vice.

Oh, well, we'll do our best.

I'm looking forward to it.

You know I sort of am myself.

Do us good to exercise the old willpower.

What about you, Father Jack?

Are you looking forward to it?

You remember father Jack, don't you?

Yes.

Nan!

No, it's nun.

Nun!

Ah!

[glass breaking]

Bye, Father!

He's just gone for his walk.

[clock ticking]

[air horn sounds]

Good morning, Fathers!

Breakfast in five minutes! - God almighty.

What was-- what was that thing?

Is there a fire?

Is there a fire in the house?

I suppose it's just time to get up.

[bell sounds]

It's 5:00 AM Look, Dougal--

5:00 AM!

God, I've never seen a clock at 5:00 AM before!

She's obviously made a mistake.

Let's just go back to bed.

Fair enough, Ted.

What are you doing?

I'm just writing a note to tell her that we don't

usually get up until later.

Oh, good figuring, Ted.

[door shuts]

[bed creaks]

[air horn sounds]

I don't know.

A bit of breakfast in us--

I suppose we'll be fine.

God, I hope so, Ted.

Sister Assumpta, you know we really

are only down for the basic booze,

fags, and rollerblading deal.

I mean, the getting up early thing-- it's great, but--

this is water.

That's right, Father.

[silverware clatter]

All right, all right.

Having a bit of a laugh with the big pickles from the island.

Where's our real breakfast?

Ted, I'd love a Pop Tart.

Yes, Father Dougal likes his Pop Tarts

first thing in the morning.

I really don't think Pop Tarts have any place in our Lord's

plan for the world.

I think they have as much a place as anything else.

Maybe our Lord doesn't take a personal interest in them,

but I'm sure he delegates it to someone almost as important.

And what about Frosties?

Again, the same thing.

He mightn't have come up with the idea,

but he'd be the one who'd give them the green light.

All right, but if you take something like say, Sugar

Puffs, now, or Lucky Charms--

now they'd be like a--

Fathers!

Could you-- could you please stop having that conversation?

Just finish your breakfast and come outside

for your daily punishment.

Fair enough.

So-- so as we'll just finish the--

daily what?

I'm sorry, daily-- what did you say there?

Your daily punishment.

Matty Hislop's 10-step program to ridding

yourself of your pride--

the single greatest obstacle to inner fulfillment.

Oh, that sounds great.

Now, how are we two doing?

F-- fi-- fine, thanks.

More ice?

No, no.

Actually I would enjoy that too much.

Very refreshing, the old ice.

Soon we'll be able to begin the 10 steps.

What?

This isn't the first one?

There's still 10 to go?

Oh, of course.

This is just to cleanse you.

A form of preparation.

For what?

Are we going in to space?

I can't feel my legs!

Oh, God. Still 10 to go.

Hopefully it'll just involve a bit of an old prayer.

[music - mozart - dies irae]

CHOIR: [singing in latin] Irae,

[gunshots]

Oh God, I'm looking forward to this.

Whoop--ah!

Ted, this is what she's replaced my mattress with.

Oh, that's it.

That's it.

She's obviously insane, Dougal.

We've got to get out of here.

Where do we go?

No problem.

We know loads of people.

What about Mawengwe?

His parents are away for the weekend

and he's got the whole house free.

And he's got satellite.

Dougal, he lives in Addis Ababa.

What about Dick Byrne, then?

No, no.

I'm not bringing Dick Byrne.

I know.

I'll call father Larry Duff.

He'd put us up for a while.

[phone rings, buzzer sounds]

CROWD: Aw.

[phone rings]

Oh, wait a second. No.

He told me not to call tonight.

He's got this big important thing on.

I suppose it will to be Father Dick Byrne's,

though, over on Rugged Island.

Come on.

I'll leave her a note saying we've

gone to a funeral or something.

Or an autopsy.

Why don't we say we had to go to an autopsy instead?

That'll more exciting.

No, Dougal.

A funeral is more believable.

All right.

Now listen, we've got to do this

as quietly as possible, OK?

All right.

And don't suddenly panic or make a noise.

If we take it easy, we won't wake her.

FATHER TED: What was that?

Run!

[crashing sounds]

[door slams]

[car starts]

[tires on gravel]

SISTER ASSUMPTA: Quiet in there!

Come on, Fathers.

You need to get an early start or we'll miss the rain.

Right.

[car driving up drive]

God, what a dump.

They're probably asleep.

I'll just knock very gently on the door.

Oh, right.

So's you won't wake them up.

No I'll have to wake them up so they can let us in.

Then shouldn't you just knock loudly?

Right.

Good point.

[phone dialing]

Ted, Ted, maybe they're not home?

No, I definitely heard something

[music playing]

I should have known. I should have seen it.

You just can't trust Dick Byrne.

As priests go, he's a really bad priest.

Yeah.

And we've still got 38 days of Lent to go.

Hi ho.

This isn't what it looks like.

Well, this certainly puts a different spin on things.

You won't tell anyone, will you, Father?

I couldn't help it. They were just so chocolatey.

And I can't go back to the other nuns until after Easter.

Oh God, please don't tell them that I gave in to temptation.

She's been eating chocolate!

God, please, Father!

You must be so disappointed in me.

If there's anything I can do to make it up.

Well, uh, here's a mad idea.

[music playing]

Hello sister.

How can I help you?

[music playing]

[shouting]

[shouting]

I'm back, Fathers!

[jazz music playing]

Oh my God!

[jazz music playing]