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[music playing]
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00:00:29,359 --> 00:00:32,200
[helicopter sounds]
3
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[explosion]
4
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:41,719
[church bells]
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00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:43,200
[MUSIC - MOZART - REX TREMENDAE
MAJESTATIS]
6
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:45,679
CHOIR: [singing latin]
7
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[thump]
8
00:00:55,920 --> 00:01:01,159
MRS. DOYLE (SINGING): La, la,
la, la, la la, la, la, la--
9
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,159
Oh, Father!
10
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:03,759
I see you put up the old cross.
11
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,239
What's that all about?
12
00:01:05,359 --> 00:01:06,760
Yes, well I
thought people might
13
00:01:06,879 --> 00:01:08,680
have been confused about
where the parochial house is.
14
00:01:08,799 --> 00:01:11,359
So I thought I'd put a big cross
up in the middle of the garden.
15
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,799
Just hope they know it means I'm
a priest and not some madman.
16
00:01:15,359 --> 00:01:16,359
Some madman has
put up a cross.
17
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:20,359
Lovely.
18
00:01:24,439 --> 00:01:25,319
[thumping sound]
19
00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:28,920
Ted, I'm off rollerblading.
20
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,239
FATHER TED: All right, Dougal.
21
00:01:30,359 --> 00:01:32,560
[phone rings]
22
00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:36,480
Hello, Craggy Island
parochial house.
23
00:01:36,599 --> 00:01:37,879
Father Ted Crilly speaking.
24
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:38,959
Hello Ted.
25
00:01:39,079 --> 00:01:40,400
Dick Byrne here.
- Oh.
26
00:01:40,519 --> 00:01:41,799
Dick.
27
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:43,120
Well Ted, I just thought
I'd give you a call
28
00:01:43,239 --> 00:01:44,760
and wish you all the
best for Lent this year.
29
00:01:44,879 --> 00:01:45,640
What?
Oh, yeah.
30
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:46,519
Lent.
31
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,159
What are you giving up?
32
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,120
Being the biggest eejit
in the priesthood?
33
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,439
Seriously, Ted.
34
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,239
If we could just put
joking aside for a minute.
35
00:01:55,359 --> 00:01:57,680
Lent is a solemn time of year.
36
00:01:57,799 --> 00:01:59,560
I know we've had our
disagreements in the past, Ted,
37
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,239
but at the end of the day, we
are both brothers in Christ.
38
00:02:03,359 --> 00:02:04,560
Oh.
39
00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:06,079
So anyway, over here
we decided we'd make
40
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,719
a special effort this year.
41
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:10,520
I've given up cigarettes, Father
Johnson is giving up alcohol
42
00:02:10,639 --> 00:02:13,039
and Father McDuff is
giving up skateboarding.
43
00:02:13,159 --> 00:02:16,840
And I must say, the atmosphere
of serenity and devotion
44
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,719
to our Lord in the
parochial house this year
45
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,240
is very, very special, indeed.
46
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:22,120
Right.
47
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:25,159
So what about it, Ted?
48
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,039
Will you make a similar effort?
49
00:02:27,159 --> 00:02:28,240
Will you join us, Ted?
50
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:31,080
Will you go the
extra mile this year?
51
00:02:31,199 --> 00:02:32,919
I suppose you're right, Dick.
52
00:02:33,039 --> 00:02:34,879
I suppose we should
make a special effort.
53
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,240
It'll be worth it, Ted.
54
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:38,319
God bless you.
55
00:02:38,439 --> 00:02:39,319
Goodbye, Dick.
56
00:02:39,439 --> 00:02:42,599
And God-- God bless you, Dick.
57
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,879
[evil laughter]
58
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:56,120
So that's it.
59
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:57,680
I'm giving up the fags.
60
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,000
Father Jack, I think you can
give the old drink a miss.
61
00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,560
And no more rollerblading
for you until Easter, Dougal.
62
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,240
- Easter is miles away.
- It is!
63
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,360
But it wouldn't be a sacrifice
if it was too easy, would it?
64
00:03:06,479 --> 00:03:07,599
And don't forget why
we're doing this.
65
00:03:07,719 --> 00:03:08,800
I know, I know.
66
00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:09,960
Because of the sacrifice
our Lord made--
67
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,000
It's much more
important than that.
68
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,039
I'm not going to be beaten by
Father Dick Byrne in the giving
69
00:03:14,159 --> 00:03:16,240
things up competition.
70
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,360
And that's what this is-- a
giving things up competition.
71
00:03:19,479 --> 00:03:21,240
We've got to show them
what we can do, especially
72
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:22,599
after that Scrabble fiasco.
73
00:03:24,479 --> 00:03:26,120
You've never told us
what happened there, Ted.
74
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,639
Oh he-- I don't
know how he did it.
75
00:03:27,759 --> 00:03:28,520
He must have cheated.
76
00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:29,879
He must have.
77
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,159
But he got all his words
to say "useless priest
78
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,120
can't say mass".
79
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:36,120
So right.
80
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:37,599
Have we got that?
81
00:03:37,719 --> 00:03:39,120
No more fags, rollerblading,
or booze until Easter.
82
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:40,280
Understood?
83
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:41,319
All right.
84
00:03:41,439 --> 00:03:43,400
Who wants their
afternoon drink?
85
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:44,280
Drink?
86
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,439
Oh, yes!
87
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,840
- No.
- No?
88
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,199
No Father.
It's Lent, remember?
89
00:03:49,319 --> 00:03:50,639
You said you'd give it
up for a couple of days.
90
00:03:50,759 --> 00:03:52,319
- What?
- Do you not remember?
91
00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:54,520
You said you'd offer
it up for our Lord.
92
00:03:54,639 --> 00:03:55,400
Arnold?
93
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:56,319
Who's Arnold?
94
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,840
No, our Lord.
95
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,759
I suppose I made
your vow for you.
96
00:04:02,879 --> 00:04:04,199
But I know that deep
down inside, you'd like
97
00:04:04,319 --> 00:04:05,479
to make a little sacrifice.
98
00:04:05,599 --> 00:04:06,360
Sacrifice?
99
00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:09,159
Arse!
100
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,479
It's a very special time
of the year for all of us.
101
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:12,400
Drink!
102
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,520
Drink!
103
00:04:13,639 --> 00:04:15,680
You won't find
any there, Father.
104
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,240
I've put them
somewhere very safe.
105
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:18,160
Where?
106
00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:22,360
[waves, seagulls calling]
107
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:23,720
Don't sulk, Father.
108
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:27,319
Here we go.
109
00:04:27,439 --> 00:04:28,600
No more fags for me
now until Easter.
110
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,040
Ah.
Great.
111
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:35,079
No problem there at all.
112
00:04:35,199 --> 00:04:36,560
Ha, ha ha.
113
00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:40,439
[sighs] God Almighty, I
don't even miss them at all.
114
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:41,319
This is easy!
115
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,560
Yes, I'm not even
thinking about smoking.
116
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:48,639
Not even thinking about it.
117
00:04:48,759 --> 00:04:49,519
Ha!
118
00:05:04,399 --> 00:05:05,639
It's beginning
to kick in, Ted.
119
00:05:07,079 --> 00:05:08,560
I know, me too.
120
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:09,920
God, this is terrible.
121
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:11,600
I don't like this at all.
122
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,279
Maybe we should stick
with it though, Ted.
123
00:05:13,399 --> 00:05:15,199
I mean, we've come
through worse together.
124
00:05:15,319 --> 00:05:16,519
And don't forget-- Dick Byrne.
125
00:05:16,639 --> 00:05:17,480
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
126
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:18,959
Blah, blah, blah.
127
00:05:21,079 --> 00:05:23,480
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
128
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:24,519
Don't you think so, Ted?
129
00:05:24,639 --> 00:05:25,480
Hm?
130
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,240
Oh, I certainly do, Dougal.
131
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,720
Absolutely.
132
00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:30,079
How are you doing, Father?
133
00:05:30,199 --> 00:05:31,480
You all right there?
134
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,399
Do you want me to
blah, blah, blah, blah,
135
00:05:36,839 --> 00:05:39,160
Blah, blah, blah Father?
136
00:05:39,279 --> 00:05:40,040
Father?
137
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,759
Is he all right?
138
00:05:42,879 --> 00:05:44,839
I think he's, ah, just
circling the airport.
139
00:05:44,959 --> 00:05:45,800
[phone rings]
140
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:46,959
Better get that.
141
00:05:47,079 --> 00:05:48,120
You all right there, Dougal?
- What?
142
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:49,000
Oh yeah.
143
00:05:54,879 --> 00:05:57,759
Don't make a show of yourself
in front of them. (MOCKING)
144
00:05:57,879 --> 00:05:59,000
Ah yes, Father, ah, no Father.
145
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:00,240
You're so great, Father.
146
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,720
Oh, you make me sick.
147
00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:03,079
I don't know what
you're talking about.
148
00:06:03,199 --> 00:06:04,360
You're fecking worse.
149
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:05,959
(MOCKING) Oh, Father,
you're brilliant!
150
00:06:06,079 --> 00:06:07,839
Oh, Father, you should be Pope.
151
00:06:07,959 --> 00:06:08,959
Doesn't impress them.
152
00:06:09,079 --> 00:06:10,560
Makes me sick.
153
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,959
God, you're an awesome--
154
00:06:13,079 --> 00:06:14,560
- Ah, Father.
- Hello, John.
155
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:15,639
Hello, Mary.
156
00:06:15,759 --> 00:06:17,360
Father, you look wonderful.
157
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:18,680
Is-- is that a new outfit?
158
00:06:21,279 --> 00:06:23,560
We thought you'd like some
Easter eggs from the shop.
159
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:25,120
Oh that's terribly
nice of you.
160
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:26,639
Thank you very much.
161
00:06:26,759 --> 00:06:28,079
I think it comes to
about eight pounds.
162
00:06:30,879 --> 00:06:33,040
We thought we'd
bring it down to you.
163
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,480
We're going on
holidays and we're
164
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:35,720
not sure when we'll be back.
165
00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:36,600
Yes.
166
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:37,920
We're going to Rome.
167
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:38,839
MARY: Oh!
168
00:06:38,959 --> 00:06:40,959
So looking forward to it!
169
00:06:41,079 --> 00:06:42,839
We might see your friend.
170
00:06:42,959 --> 00:06:43,800
Who's that?
171
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:44,720
Sophia Loren?
172
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:49,399
No, Father.
173
00:06:49,519 --> 00:06:50,839
The Pope.
174
00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:52,240
He's no friend of mine!
175
00:06:56,639 --> 00:06:59,240
Actually, that might have
sounded a little disrespectful.
176
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,199
Sorry.
- Ah, no problem, Father.
177
00:07:02,319 --> 00:07:06,720
[eerie music playing]
178
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:10,680
Ah!
179
00:07:20,879 --> 00:07:21,680
Ah!
180
00:07:29,759 --> 00:07:32,639
[clock ticking]
181
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:48,600
[snoring]
182
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:50,120
[bottles rattling]
183
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:55,120
[snoring]
184
00:08:04,199 --> 00:08:10,560
[rustling sound]
185
00:08:12,199 --> 00:08:16,560
[click]
186
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:28,519
[thud]
187
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,360
One day.
188
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:54,879
You'd think we could go
one day without giving
189
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,360
in to temptation.
190
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:57,639
Hello?
191
00:08:57,759 --> 00:08:58,960
Hello?
192
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,759
God almighty, when I
think of the sacrifices
193
00:09:00,879 --> 00:09:02,200
that Matty Hislop made--
194
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:03,080
Who?
195
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,720
Matty Hislop.
196
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,159
He was a notorious drunkard
who found God and then decided
197
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,360
to punish himself for his sins.
198
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,600
Oh, he used to do
all kinds of things.
199
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,679
Like he had this terrible
allergic reaction to cats.
200
00:09:11,799 --> 00:09:13,360
So instead of
avoiding them, he used
201
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,759
to carry a kitten in his pocket
and sniff it from time to time.
202
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:19,440
His head just inflated
like a balloon.
203
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:21,360
Fair play to him.
204
00:09:22,639 --> 00:09:24,000
I mean, Dougal,
could you not knock
205
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,960
the rollerblading on the
head for a couple of weeks?
206
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,480
I know, I know, Ted.
207
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,639
I used to be happy enough
with the old bike, you know?
208
00:09:29,759 --> 00:09:32,159
I used to get a great buzz
just going down to the shops.
209
00:09:32,279 --> 00:09:34,240
But after a while, it
just wasn't enough.
210
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,200
I just-- I just kept going
for bigger and bigger thrills.
211
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:39,960
But I can handle it, Ted.
212
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,960
I could quit anytime I want.
213
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,639
Well, you tried to quit
yesterday and you couldn't.
214
00:09:45,759 --> 00:09:47,120
You're right, Ted.
I admit it.
215
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,000
I have a problem.
216
00:09:49,919 --> 00:09:51,039
Come on, now, Dougal.
217
00:09:51,159 --> 00:09:52,480
No need for that.
218
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,600
Not now that we're getting
outside help, anyway.
219
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,679
Come on, come on.
220
00:09:56,799 --> 00:09:59,720
God, why do nuns have such
awful music when you're on hold?
221
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,679
If I hear Ave Maria one
more time, I don't know.
222
00:10:03,799 --> 00:10:04,759
Excuse me!
223
00:10:04,879 --> 00:10:07,279
(SINGING) Ave Maria!
224
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,879
FATHER TED (ON
PHONE): Excuse me!
225
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,080
Yes?
226
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,039
FATHER TED (ON PHONE):
How much longer
227
00:10:14,159 --> 00:10:15,320
am I going to be on hold?
228
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,120
She'll be with you
in a second, Father.
229
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,080
Ave Maria!
230
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:24,759
Hello?
231
00:10:24,879 --> 00:10:26,440
Sister Mary Gondola,
how can I help you?
232
00:10:27,799 --> 00:10:28,679
Hello.
233
00:10:28,799 --> 00:10:30,720
My name is Father Ted Crilly.
234
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,480
Look, I was wondering--
could you send somebody out?
235
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,639
We have a small problem here
keeping our Lenten vows.
236
00:10:35,759 --> 00:10:37,519
What do you wish
to give up, exactly?
237
00:10:37,639 --> 00:10:42,320
Well, um, cigarettes,
alcohol, and um, rollerblading.
238
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,919
All right.
239
00:10:44,039 --> 00:10:47,120
On special offer this month,
we have the Lenten package.
240
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:51,159
150 pounds plus VAT
plus booking fee.
241
00:10:51,279 --> 00:10:53,159
That's 200 pounds.
242
00:10:53,279 --> 00:10:55,399
200 pounds?
243
00:10:55,519 --> 00:10:56,519
I'm not trying to buy cocaine!
244
00:10:58,519 --> 00:11:00,360
We have a basic
offer at 50 pounds.
245
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,600
Ah, yes.
That'll do fine, thanks.
246
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:03,840
Now how do you wish to pay?
247
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,519
We accept all
major credit cards.
248
00:11:05,639 --> 00:11:06,879
[beeping]
249
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,320
Can you hold please, Father?
250
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,200
(SINGING) Ave Maria!
251
00:11:15,679 --> 00:11:18,480
[gargling]
252
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,919
Listen, I'll have
to ring you back.
253
00:11:21,039 --> 00:11:22,159
What's up with him, Ted?
254
00:11:22,279 --> 00:11:24,360
[gargling]
255
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,120
It looks like the last of the
alcohol has left his system.
256
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,200
I think he might
actually be sober.
257
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:30,759
Is that it, Father?
258
00:11:30,879 --> 00:11:32,639
Are you seeing things as
they really are, at last?
259
00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:34,120
Oh my God!
260
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:36,320
Yes, yes.
261
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:39,120
That's it, all right
I suppose sobriety
262
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,240
for Father Jack must
be sort of like taking
263
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,399
some mad hallucinogenic.
264
00:11:43,519 --> 00:11:44,720
Where are the other two?
265
00:11:46,919 --> 00:11:47,679
The other two?
266
00:11:49,639 --> 00:11:50,639
Ah, I see.
267
00:11:50,759 --> 00:11:52,360
The old vision is
back to normal.
268
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,759
No, there's just the
two of us, Father.
269
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:56,559
And what do you two do, then?
270
00:11:56,679 --> 00:11:57,679
We're priests.
271
00:11:57,799 --> 00:11:58,559
What?
272
00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:00,200
Priests?
273
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,720
Don't tell me I'm still
on that fecking island!
274
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,519
Well, well, yes.
275
00:12:08,639 --> 00:12:09,960
Yes, Father.
276
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,399
How do you feel?
277
00:12:11,519 --> 00:12:13,200
Must be great to be sober
every once in a while.
278
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,240
Or even every 12 years.
279
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,000
Chair!
280
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:18,919
Well done, Father!
281
00:12:21,399 --> 00:12:22,639
Curtains!
282
00:12:22,759 --> 00:12:23,559
Yes, that's right!
283
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,399
Floor!
284
00:12:28,519 --> 00:12:32,200
All coming back to
you, is it, Father?
285
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:33,080
Gobshite!
286
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,039
Yes!
287
00:12:37,159 --> 00:12:38,039
I remember!
288
00:12:38,159 --> 00:12:41,039
I remember!
289
00:12:41,159 --> 00:12:44,480
[music playing]
290
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:49,360
I'm off on my Lenten
pilgrimage, now, Fathers.
291
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,399
Oh, off to St. Patrick's hill.
292
00:12:51,519 --> 00:12:52,480
What's that, Ted?
293
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:53,960
Oh, it's a big mountain.
294
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,360
You have to take your socks
off when you go up it.
295
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:56,919
And once you get up
to the top there,
296
00:12:57,039 --> 00:12:58,600
they chase you all the way
back down with a big plank.
297
00:12:58,720 --> 00:12:59,480
It's great fun.
298
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:05,279
Oh, I don't want it to
be any fun at all, Father.
299
00:13:05,399 --> 00:13:07,919
I want a good, miserable time.
300
00:13:08,039 --> 00:13:10,480
Keep me on the
straight and narrow.
301
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,120
I met a couple there
last year and it
302
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,519
did them a world of good.
303
00:13:14,639 --> 00:13:18,960
They were a bit obsessed
with the old S-E-X. God,
304
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,120
I'm glad I never think of
that type of thing, Father.
305
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,360
That whole sexual world.
306
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,320
God, when you think of it,
it's a dirty, filthy thing,
307
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:26,240
isn't it Father?
308
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:31,879
Can you imagine, Father, looking
up at your husband and him
309
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:35,559
standing over you with
his lead in his hand,
310
00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:39,440
wanting you to degrade yourself!
311
00:13:39,559 --> 00:13:41,440
God almighty, can you
imagine that, Father?
312
00:13:43,279 --> 00:13:45,960
Can you picture there, Father?
313
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,600
Oh get a good mental picture.
314
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:52,080
Can you see him there,
ready to do the business?
315
00:13:53,519 --> 00:13:54,320
Doorbell!
316
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:55,240
Doorbell, Mrs. Doyle.
317
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:56,600
The doorbell.
318
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:57,480
Hey!
319
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,879
Hey, hey-- You there.
320
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,039
What the hell is this?
321
00:14:03,159 --> 00:14:04,279
That's a spoon, Father.
Come on.
322
00:14:04,399 --> 00:14:05,279
She'll be here.
323
00:14:05,399 --> 00:14:06,320
Might as well go and meet her.
324
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:07,360
Hello there-- ah!
325
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,480
Sister Assumpta!
326
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:09,360
Hello, Father.
327
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:10,360
Dougal, Dougal.
328
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,720
Do you remember Sister Assumpta?
329
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:12,639
Ah, no.
330
00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:16,080
She was here last year.
331
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,120
And then we stayed with her in
the convent back in Kildare.
332
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:20,480
Do you remember it?
333
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:21,960
Aye, ya do.
334
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:23,679
And then you were hit by
the car when you went down
335
00:14:23,799 --> 00:14:25,360
to the shops for the paper.
336
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,080
You must remember all that?
337
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,200
And then you won 100 pounds
with your lottery card?
338
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,919
Ah, you must
remember it, Dougal.
339
00:14:31,039 --> 00:14:33,360
Um, weren't you accidentally
arrested for shoplifting?
340
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:37,399
I remember we had to go down to
the police station to get you.
341
00:14:37,519 --> 00:14:40,039
And the police
station went on fire?
342
00:14:40,159 --> 00:14:42,919
And you had to be
rescued by helicopter?
343
00:14:43,039 --> 00:14:43,919
FATHER TED: Do you remember?
344
00:14:44,039 --> 00:14:45,559
You can't remember Any of that?
345
00:14:45,679 --> 00:14:46,480
huh?
346
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:47,679
The helicopter.
347
00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:48,879
When you fell out
of the helicopter.
348
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,080
Over the zoo.
349
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,799
Do you remember the tigers?
350
00:14:52,919 --> 00:14:55,679
You don't remember?
351
00:14:55,799 --> 00:14:57,120
You were wearing
your blue jumper.
352
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:58,039
Ah!
353
00:14:58,159 --> 00:14:59,000
Sister Assumpta!
354
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,000
Hello there.
355
00:15:04,519 --> 00:15:07,159
I have to say I had no idea,
Sister Assumpta, that you're
356
00:15:07,279 --> 00:15:08,120
with the Matty Hislop crowd.
357
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,639
Oh, yes.
358
00:15:09,759 --> 00:15:11,600
Ever since I read his
pamphlets, abstinence has been
359
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,440
both my keeper and my reward.
360
00:15:13,559 --> 00:15:14,720
Yeah, great.
361
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:16,039
Well anyhow, all we
want is the basic 50
362
00:15:16,159 --> 00:15:17,679
quid job-- the bare essentials.
363
00:15:17,799 --> 00:15:20,799
Keep us off the booze and
fags and the rollerblading.
364
00:15:20,919 --> 00:15:23,639
I'm afraid the rollerblading
is my own particular vice.
365
00:15:23,759 --> 00:15:25,840
Oh, well, we'll do our best.
366
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,440
I'm looking forward to it.
367
00:15:27,559 --> 00:15:29,639
You know I sort of am myself.
368
00:15:29,759 --> 00:15:31,679
Do us good to exercise
the old willpower.
369
00:15:31,799 --> 00:15:32,679
What about you, Father Jack?
370
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,559
Are you looking forward to it?
371
00:15:34,679 --> 00:15:35,919
You remember father
Jack, don't you?
372
00:15:36,039 --> 00:15:37,000
Yes.
373
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:37,879
Nan!
374
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,000
No, it's nun.
375
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:41,960
Nun!
376
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,320
Ah!
377
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,720
[glass breaking]
378
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,200
Bye, Father!
379
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:50,399
He's just gone for his walk.
380
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,679
[clock ticking]
381
00:15:55,799 --> 00:15:57,679
[air horn sounds]
382
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,039
Good morning, Fathers!
383
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:02,440
Breakfast in five minutes!
- God almighty.
384
00:16:02,559 --> 00:16:04,639
What was-- what was that thing?
385
00:16:04,759 --> 00:16:05,639
Is there a fire?
386
00:16:05,759 --> 00:16:07,600
Is there a fire in the house?
387
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,080
I suppose it's
just time to get up.
388
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,200
[bell sounds]
389
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,080
It's 5:00 AM Look, Dougal--
390
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,759
5:00 AM!
391
00:16:15,879 --> 00:16:17,679
God, I've never seen a
clock at 5:00 AM before!
392
00:16:22,519 --> 00:16:24,080
She's obviously
made a mistake.
393
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,840
Let's just go back to bed.
394
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,200
Fair enough, Ted.
395
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,639
What are you doing?
396
00:16:28,759 --> 00:16:29,840
I'm just writing a note
to tell her that we don't
397
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,480
usually get up until later.
398
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:32,720
Oh, good figuring, Ted.
399
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,080
[door shuts]
400
00:16:40,639 --> 00:16:42,960
[bed creaks]
401
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,879
[air horn sounds]
402
00:16:52,399 --> 00:16:53,240
I don't know.
403
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,120
A bit of breakfast in us--
404
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,639
I suppose we'll be fine.
405
00:16:55,759 --> 00:16:58,080
God, I hope so, Ted.
406
00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,399
Sister Assumpta,
you know we really
407
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,039
are only down for
the basic booze,
408
00:17:01,159 --> 00:17:02,600
fags, and rollerblading deal.
409
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:05,720
I mean, the getting up early
thing-- it's great, but--
410
00:17:05,839 --> 00:17:06,839
this is water.
411
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,680
That's right, Father.
412
00:17:08,799 --> 00:17:10,039
[silverware clatter]
413
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,720
All right, all right.
414
00:17:11,839 --> 00:17:14,599
Having a bit of a laugh with
the big pickles from the island.
415
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:15,880
Where's our real breakfast?
416
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,240
Ted, I'd love a Pop Tart.
417
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,599
Yes, Father Dougal
likes his Pop Tarts
418
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,240
first thing in the morning.
419
00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:28,960
I really don't think Pop Tarts
have any place in our Lord's
420
00:17:29,079 --> 00:17:30,720
plan for the world.
421
00:17:30,839 --> 00:17:32,680
I think they have as much
a place as anything else.
422
00:17:32,799 --> 00:17:34,559
Maybe our Lord doesn't take
a personal interest in them,
423
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,440
but I'm sure he delegates it
to someone almost as important.
424
00:17:37,559 --> 00:17:39,319
And what about Frosties?
425
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:40,599
Again, the same thing.
426
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,119
He mightn't have come
up with the idea,
427
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:43,680
but he'd be the one who'd
give them the green light.
428
00:17:43,799 --> 00:17:45,519
All right, but if you take
something like say, Sugar
429
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,000
Puffs, now, or Lucky Charms--
430
00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:47,960
now they'd be like a--
431
00:17:48,079 --> 00:17:49,599
Fathers!
432
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,240
Could you-- could you please
stop having that conversation?
433
00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:53,920
Just finish your
breakfast and come outside
434
00:17:54,039 --> 00:17:55,119
for your daily punishment.
435
00:17:56,799 --> 00:17:57,799
Fair enough.
436
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,799
So-- so as we'll
just finish the--
437
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:01,079
daily what?
438
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:02,400
I'm sorry, daily--
what did you say there?
439
00:18:02,519 --> 00:18:04,279
Your daily punishment.
440
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,440
Matty Hislop's 10-step
program to ridding
441
00:18:06,559 --> 00:18:07,920
yourself of your pride--
442
00:18:08,039 --> 00:18:11,680
the single greatest obstacle
to inner fulfillment.
443
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:16,119
Oh, that sounds great.
444
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,640
Now, how are we two doing?
445
00:18:18,759 --> 00:18:20,799
F-- fi-- fine, thanks.
446
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:21,720
More ice?
447
00:18:21,839 --> 00:18:22,880
No, no.
448
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:23,880
Actually I would
enjoy that too much.
449
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,039
Very refreshing, the old ice.
450
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,599
Soon we'll be able
to begin the 10 steps.
451
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:31,480
What?
452
00:18:31,599 --> 00:18:32,720
This isn't the first one?
453
00:18:32,839 --> 00:18:34,079
There's still 10 to go?
454
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,480
Oh, of course.
455
00:18:35,599 --> 00:18:37,119
This is just to cleanse you.
456
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:38,920
A form of preparation.
457
00:18:39,039 --> 00:18:40,039
For what?
458
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,240
Are we going in to space?
459
00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:44,200
I can't feel my legs!
460
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,279
Oh, God.
Still 10 to go.
461
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,160
Hopefully it'll just involve
a bit of an old prayer.
462
00:18:52,759 --> 00:18:55,119
[music - mozart - dies irae]
463
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:57,599
CHOIR: [singing in latin] Irae,
464
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:16,839
[gunshots]
465
00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:32,559
Oh God, I'm looking
forward to this.
466
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:33,519
Whoop--ah!
467
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,680
Ted, this is what she's
replaced my mattress with.
468
00:19:45,519 --> 00:19:46,720
Oh, that's it.
469
00:19:46,839 --> 00:19:47,720
That's it.
470
00:19:47,839 --> 00:19:49,799
She's obviously insane, Dougal.
471
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,359
We've got to get out of here.
472
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:52,640
Where do we go?
473
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:53,559
No problem.
474
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:55,119
We know loads of people.
475
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:56,279
What about Mawengwe?
476
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:57,440
His parents are
away for the weekend
477
00:19:57,559 --> 00:19:58,599
and he's got the
whole house free.
478
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,640
And he's got satellite.
479
00:20:00,759 --> 00:20:02,839
Dougal, he lives
in Addis Ababa.
480
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,880
What about Dick Byrne, then?
481
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:06,839
No, no.
482
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,480
I'm not bringing Dick Byrne.
483
00:20:08,599 --> 00:20:09,440
I know.
484
00:20:09,559 --> 00:20:11,480
I'll call father Larry Duff.
485
00:20:11,599 --> 00:20:13,359
He'd put us up for a while.
486
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,359
[phone rings, buzzer sounds]
487
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,240
CROWD: Aw.
488
00:20:18,359 --> 00:20:20,079
[phone rings]
489
00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:22,799
Oh, wait a second.
No.
490
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,039
He told me not to call tonight.
491
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:25,839
He's got this big
important thing on.
492
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,559
I suppose it will to
be Father Dick Byrne's,
493
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,359
though, over on Rugged Island.
494
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:30,480
Come on.
495
00:20:30,599 --> 00:20:31,519
I'll leave her a
note saying we've
496
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:32,960
gone to a funeral or something.
497
00:20:33,079 --> 00:20:34,480
Or an autopsy.
498
00:20:34,599 --> 00:20:36,599
Why don't we say we had to
go to an autopsy instead?
499
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:38,799
That'll more exciting.
500
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:39,759
No, Dougal.
501
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,240
A funeral is more believable.
502
00:20:41,359 --> 00:20:42,400
All right.
503
00:20:42,519 --> 00:20:44,480
Now listen, we've
got to do this
504
00:20:44,599 --> 00:20:45,359
as quietly as possible, OK?
505
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:46,680
All right.
506
00:20:46,799 --> 00:20:48,119
And don't suddenly
panic or make a noise.
507
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,039
If we take it easy,
we won't wake her.
508
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,039
FATHER TED: What was that?
509
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,039
Run!
510
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:01,519
[crashing sounds]
511
00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:05,480
[door slams]
512
00:21:05,599 --> 00:21:08,000
[car starts]
513
00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:09,279
[tires on gravel]
514
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:10,359
SISTER ASSUMPTA: Quiet in there!
515
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,279
Come on, Fathers.
516
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,440
You need to get an early
start or we'll miss the rain.
517
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,000
Right.
518
00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:25,960
[car driving up drive]
519
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:30,720
God, what a dump.
520
00:21:30,839 --> 00:21:32,400
They're probably asleep.
521
00:21:32,519 --> 00:21:33,799
I'll just knock very
gently on the door.
522
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:34,759
Oh, right.
523
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,440
So's you won't wake them up.
524
00:21:36,559 --> 00:21:38,519
No I'll have to wake them
up so they can let us in.
525
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:42,119
Then shouldn't you
just knock loudly?
526
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,039
Right.
527
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:44,039
Good point.
528
00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:50,880
[phone dialing]
529
00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:58,799
Ted, Ted, maybe
they're not home?
530
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,160
No, I definitely
heard something
531
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:05,039
[music playing]
532
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,720
I should have known.
I should have seen it.
533
00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:21,000
You just can't trust Dick Byrne.
534
00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:22,960
As priests go, he's
a really bad priest.
535
00:22:23,079 --> 00:22:24,279
Yeah.
536
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,160
And we've still got
38 days of Lent to go.
537
00:22:26,279 --> 00:22:27,039
Hi ho.
538
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,680
This isn't what it looks like.
539
00:22:34,799 --> 00:22:37,960
Well, this certainly puts
a different spin on things.
540
00:22:38,079 --> 00:22:39,640
You won't tell anyone,
will you, Father?
541
00:22:39,759 --> 00:22:42,880
I couldn't help it.
They were just so chocolatey.
542
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,960
And I can't go back to the
other nuns until after Easter.
543
00:22:46,079 --> 00:22:48,759
Oh God, please don't tell them
that I gave in to temptation.
544
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:51,880
She's been eating chocolate!
545
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,359
God, please, Father!
546
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:57,680
You must be so
disappointed in me.
547
00:22:57,799 --> 00:22:59,640
If there's anything I
can do to make it up.
548
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:07,839
Well, uh, here's a mad idea.
549
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,640
[music playing]
550
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:13,599
Hello sister.
551
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:14,519
How can I help you?
552
00:23:21,079 --> 00:23:24,920
[music playing]
553
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:35,799
[shouting]
554
00:23:44,839 --> 00:23:47,680
[shouting]
555
00:23:53,759 --> 00:23:55,920
I'm back, Fathers!
556
00:23:56,039 --> 00:23:57,400
[jazz music playing]
557
00:23:57,519 --> 00:24:00,119
Oh my God!
558
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:05,559
[jazz music playing]
37472
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