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[theme music playing]
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NIAMH (ON TV): And
societies in ancient India
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00:00:41,799 --> 00:00:43,000
were ruled by women.
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Really?
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And men weren't allowed
around women without a license.
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Men were put in a car and
told off for being sexist.
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00:00:50,679 --> 00:00:53,119
Anyway, you're going to do a
song from your new album for us
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00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:54,039
now.
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God, what an idiot.
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She's never happy unless she's
complaining about something.
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Oh, you're right there, Ted.
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I believe this new song is
about the Catholic church?
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Ah, here she goes.
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NIAMH (ON TV): That's right.
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It's about how the Church
and Ireland secretly
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had lots of potatoes
during the famine,
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and they hit the
potatoes in pillows
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and sold them abroad
at potato fairs.
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Ah, really.
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00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,439
And the Pope closed down
a lot of the factories that
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were making the
potatoes and turned
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them into prisons for children.
- God almighty.
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She says that as if there was
something sinister about it.
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I mean, what is the
problem with her?
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She seems to be taking the
whole Catholic thing a bit
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seriously, Ted.
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Yes, Dougal.
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I mean, it's just
a bit of a laugh.
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Stop talking, Dougal.
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Anyway, it's this
whole radical feminism
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laugh that really gets my go.
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Mad.
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This idea that the
Catholic church
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has some sort of negative
attitude to women.
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Ted, she's doing her song.
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00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:57,680
Big man of rocks
telling us what to do.
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They can't get
pregnant like I do.
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Mrs. Doyle, you're a woman.
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What do you make
of all this stuff?
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Do you think the Catholic
church is a bit sexist?
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Oh, God, no, Father.
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00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,960
I've always found the church
very responsive to my views.
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I mean, I remember
one time I was having
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00:02:19,759 --> 00:02:21,680
terrible troubles at
home, and the Church
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gave me great support then.
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And I know a lot of people
like to run the Church down,
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but they're just a
load of old moaners.
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Moan, moan, moan.
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So thanks for asking,
Father, but no, no,
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I have no complaints at all.
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Yeah, great.
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[laughter]
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You give us all your rules,
but that's not the way it was.
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Women ruled the land of
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[gibberish]
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[laughter]
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[bell ringing]
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Oh, no!
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FATHER JACK: Drink!
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[laughter]
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God, he goes mad if I'm a
second late with his drink.
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Father Jack, your
afternoon drink.
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You know, you should
really get a haircut.
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00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,919
You don't want to go too far
down the Bob Geldof road.
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No, Ted, that's a bad road.
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It is indeed, Dougal.
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And once you've gone down
it, there's no coming back,
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as Bob himself will tell you.
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Ha, ha, ha.
[smack noise]
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Oh!
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[laughter]
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What did you pay
for the shelves, Ted?
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God, I don't really
remember, Liam.
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These won't last you.
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Look at that.
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00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,479
Gee, I could talk
that into coming down.
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Well, they've
lasted fine until now.
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Give Give us a go.
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Ah.
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Oh, God.
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I can feel it beginning to give.
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[laughter]
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Ah, look at that, Ted.
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Sure, it's falling apart.
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How about a little
cup of tea, Liam?
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Fair enough.
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00:04:05,639 --> 00:04:06,439
So, um--
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00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,360
[laughter]
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--what did you want
talk to me about?
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00:04:16,319 --> 00:04:17,839
Oh, yes.
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Now, you were planning on going
to the Lovely Girls Festival
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00:04:20,519 --> 00:04:21,360
this year, weren't you?
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00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:22,560
Oh, yes.
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00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:23,959
I never miss the
Lovely Girls Festival.
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My absolute favorite
time of year.
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How is Miss Lovely
Girl of 1995 doing?
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God, Ted, we had to
strip her of her title.
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00:04:31,759 --> 00:04:33,720
Oh, God.
Why?
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We found out she'd been in
a film called "Stallion Farm."
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00:04:38,199 --> 00:04:40,360
I heard it was a bit rude.
101
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,199
Anyway, I'm chairman of the
organizing committee this year,
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and I was wondering if
you wanted to judge it.
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Judge it?
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00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,000
Oh, God, Liam, I'd love to.
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Oh, and there's the dinner
afterwards, isn't there?
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00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:52,600
Oh, yes.
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Yes.
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You have the honor of taking
the winner out for a meal.
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And I think--
who pays for it?
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It's not me.
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00:04:58,639 --> 00:04:59,839
Did I hear that somewhere?
- Oh, yes.
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00:04:59,959 --> 00:05:00,959
That's right.
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We brought that in
a few years ago.
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You have the honor of
taking her out for a meal,
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and she has the honor
of paying for it.
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Lovely.
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How much that stereo
set you back, Ted?
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[laughter]
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About 100 pounds.
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00:05:14,519 --> 00:05:16,399
I could have got you a
great one for half that.
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Careful, Liam.
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Anyway, you were saying?
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00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:22,920
Oh, yes.
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00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,240
Now, when you take the
lovely girl out to dinner,
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00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,680
could you ever persuade her to
wear one of me mammy's dresses?
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She could use the publicity.
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Right.
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00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:33,680
How's the business going?
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00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:34,639
Oh, great!
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00:05:34,759 --> 00:05:36,560
She sold one last week.
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00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,000
How many is that
sold this year?
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That would be one.
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You see?
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00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,600
Anyway, basically,
you see, we thought
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00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:47,920
it would be a bit
of a laugh getting
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00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,480
a priest to judge it this year.
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00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:53,519
Also, it eliminates any
sexual aspect to the thing.
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00:05:53,639 --> 00:05:55,600
Or am I wrong?
139
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,160
Huh?
140
00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:01,000
I hope you won't be tempted
by all those lovely girls.
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00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:02,639
Oh, there's no
chance of that, Liam.
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00:06:02,759 --> 00:06:04,720
Because we've had problems
with that sort of thing before,
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you know.
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00:06:05,759 --> 00:06:06,959
[laughing]
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No, no, Ted.
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00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,000
We really have had problems
with that sort of thing before.
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All right.
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00:06:12,319 --> 00:06:13,800
You don't have to
worry there, Liam.
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Right.
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00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,120
I'll be off.
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Good bye, Liam.
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How much did you
pay for the door, Ted?
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I don't know.
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00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:26,800
It came with the house.
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[kicking against door]
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00:06:41,319 --> 00:06:44,199
[laughter]
157
00:06:44,319 --> 00:06:45,199
Cowboys, Ted.
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00:06:45,319 --> 00:06:46,920
They're a bunch of cowboys!
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00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,839
FATHER TED: Oh, God,
there she is again.
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00:07:01,959 --> 00:07:03,319
She's all over the place.
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"Clit power."
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00:07:08,759 --> 00:07:10,319
What does that mean?
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00:07:10,439 --> 00:07:11,319
I don't know.
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00:07:11,439 --> 00:07:15,040
I knew a Father Clint Power.
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Maybe she's having a go at him.
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00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,439
Well, what's the interview like?
167
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,000
I didn't really
read much of it, Ted.
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00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:21,639
She's going around the
country at the moment.
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00:07:21,759 --> 00:07:24,079
I think she wants to buy a house
on an island and live in it,
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and she has her eye on
some godforsaken place
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00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,120
off the west coast.
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Really?
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00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,360
Did it mention what
island she had her eye on?
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Craggy Island, yeah.
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00:07:35,959 --> 00:07:38,639
Craggy Island is
the place for me.
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I see it as being a safe haven
for those who wish to escape
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the hypocrisy of the mainland.
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00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:45,519
Oh, God.
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00:07:45,639 --> 00:07:48,560
I wish to create a
world free of sexual
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00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,199
and religious intolerance.
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00:07:50,319 --> 00:07:51,319
No, no, no, no.
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That's terrible news.
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00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,680
Right.
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00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,160
Basically, we just have
to stand our ground.
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If she's on the island,
I'm bound to bump into her.
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00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,759
I'll just tell her the
people of Craggy Island
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will not stand for a
world free of sexual
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00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,360
and religious intolerance.
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No way, Jose.
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00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,279
Right, father.
191
00:08:08,399 --> 00:08:10,639
The roof should be OK now.
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00:08:10,759 --> 00:08:14,199
I hoovered the upstairs, and
I did the attic top to bottom.
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00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:15,240
What else?
194
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:16,519
Oh, yes, yes.
195
00:08:16,639 --> 00:08:18,040
I washed your car.
196
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:21,040
Also, I built a little
greenhouse beside the garage.
197
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,480
Will that be all for you today?
198
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,040
Oh, Mrs. Doyle.
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00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:30,240
Any chance of a cup of tea
for your two favorite priests?
200
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,720
[laughter]
201
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:39,159
Go on, Ted.
202
00:08:39,279 --> 00:08:40,120
It's only 11.
203
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:41,799
What are you doing up?
204
00:08:41,919 --> 00:08:45,000
I want to get away early to
the Lovely Girls Competition.
205
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,080
I wouldn't mind going myself,
but I don't think I'd know
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00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:48,720
what to say to a lovely girl.
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00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,679
God, Dougal, there's no end
of things you could talk about.
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00:08:50,799 --> 00:08:52,799
You would ask them what their
father does for a living,
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00:08:52,919 --> 00:08:55,519
if they have a
boyfriend, dresses,
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00:08:55,639 --> 00:08:58,200
anything to do with clothes
and perfume, basically.
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00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,039
Clothes is easiest,
because men wear clothes
212
00:09:00,159 --> 00:09:01,480
but we don't wear perfume.
213
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:02,559
Except Father Bigley.
214
00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:04,559
Except Father Bigley.
215
00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:05,840
Anyway, if you
ever meet a woman,
216
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,720
I'm sure you'll be
able to deal with it.
217
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,360
Just be yourself, Dougal.
218
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:13,159
Be yourself, make them feel
at ease, and the golden rule--
219
00:09:13,279 --> 00:09:14,399
always let them have their way.
220
00:09:14,519 --> 00:09:15,799
It's easiest in the long run.
221
00:09:15,919 --> 00:09:17,240
Anyway, I better be off.
222
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:18,279
I don't want to keep those
lovely girls waiting.
223
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:22,480
OK.
224
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:23,919
Right.
225
00:09:24,039 --> 00:09:25,519
Be yourself.
226
00:09:30,559 --> 00:09:31,320
Hi.
227
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,240
How are you doing?
228
00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:36,519
[chuckling]
229
00:09:36,639 --> 00:09:38,120
She's coming for you, Billy.
230
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,600
Oh, yeah, yeah.
231
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:42,279
She's got her eye on Paddy.
232
00:09:42,399 --> 00:09:43,519
- Oh.
- Hello, lads.
233
00:09:43,639 --> 00:09:45,200
How's it going there?
- Hello, father.
234
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:46,679
Oh, we're getting the
eye from all the girls.
235
00:09:46,799 --> 00:09:48,679
Ho, ho, ho!
236
00:09:48,799 --> 00:09:50,320
Hope you don't get
into any mischief.
237
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,000
Oh, you know us, Father.
238
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,919
I do, and that's the trouble.
239
00:09:54,039 --> 00:09:55,919
[laughing]
240
00:09:56,039 --> 00:09:56,919
Guys, guys, guys, sorry.
241
00:09:57,039 --> 00:09:58,039
I have to go.
242
00:09:58,159 --> 00:09:59,159
The competition
starts any second.
243
00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:06,360
Now, Father, that's not
on, impersonating Sir Bob.
244
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,559
And what would all those
other Live Aid people think?
245
00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:10,399
Peter Gabriel and Queen
and the other bands that
246
00:10:10,519 --> 00:10:12,039
went on earlier in the day?
247
00:10:12,159 --> 00:10:14,720
And what about Phil Collins
flying all the way to Boston?
248
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:15,639
Ooh!
249
00:10:15,759 --> 00:10:18,000
Feck off!
250
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,919
Shoddy workmanship,
that's what it is.
251
00:10:21,039 --> 00:10:21,879
Shoddy!
252
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:22,799
Shoddy!
253
00:10:22,919 --> 00:10:23,679
Shoddy!
254
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:28,799
Ted, for crying out loud,
will you get up there?
255
00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:31,279
The girls won't stay
lovely forever, you know.
256
00:10:31,399 --> 00:10:32,559
Sorry.
257
00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:35,000
Father Jack just punched
me in the stomach.
258
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,960
God.
259
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,440
[panting]
260
00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:41,000
Hello, lovely girls.
261
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,480
Look at them there.
262
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,960
[panting]
263
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,440
Walking around.
264
00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:50,399
[grunting]
265
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,360
Oh.
266
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:54,840
Ah.
267
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:55,840
Ah.
268
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,360
[doorbell ringing]
269
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,039
Mrs. Doyle?
270
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:02,480
Someone at the door, Mrs. Doyle.
271
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,039
Mrs. Doyle?
272
00:11:05,159 --> 00:11:06,000
[sighing]
273
00:11:08,279 --> 00:11:09,039
NIAMH: Hello there.
274
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,360
Well, Imelda, you're a lovely
girl, although I hear you
275
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:21,799
had a bit of bad luck recently.
276
00:11:21,919 --> 00:11:25,399
Your dog was knocked
down by a car and killed?
277
00:11:25,519 --> 00:11:27,600
No, that was--
that was my father.
278
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,840
[laughter]
279
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,200
It says here that you're 22.
280
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:34,840
19.
281
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:35,720
Right.
282
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,679
And you were born in Mayo.
283
00:11:37,799 --> 00:11:39,279
That's a lovely
part of the world.
284
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:40,840
Dundalk.
285
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,879
Dundalk, yeah.
286
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,720
And it says here that you're
a black belt in karate.
287
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:47,840
So what would you do if
I came at you like that?
288
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:48,720
[screaming]
289
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,240
Imelda!
It's all right.
290
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:51,519
[nervous laughter]
291
00:11:51,639 --> 00:11:53,320
Tell you what, you
look through my notes
292
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,240
and stop at any
point of information
293
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:56,679
that's actually true.
294
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,159
I will indeed, Father.
295
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,080
You haven't told me
your name yet, Father.
296
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,159
Erm.
297
00:12:19,279 --> 00:12:20,519
"Be yourself."
298
00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:22,840
Right.
299
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,600
Father Dougal Maguire.
300
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,639
All right.
301
00:12:27,759 --> 00:12:29,919
This is a great house.
302
00:12:30,039 --> 00:12:32,799
I really love the crude
religious imagery.
303
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,360
Yes, I like it.
304
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,799
Are you all right there?
305
00:12:38,919 --> 00:12:39,919
How's your bra?
306
00:12:40,039 --> 00:12:40,840
What?
307
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,159
[laughter]
308
00:12:43,279 --> 00:12:44,080
Your bra?
309
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,039
Is it comfortable?
310
00:12:46,159 --> 00:12:47,159
Do you have a bra?
311
00:12:47,279 --> 00:12:48,799
[laughter]
312
00:12:48,919 --> 00:12:52,080
It's not too tight, is it?
313
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,720
Because you can
loosen it if you want.
314
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:56,759
Take it off, sure.
315
00:12:56,879 --> 00:12:59,200
Go on.
316
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,960
Or would you like some tea?
317
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,279
I tell you what, I'll make the
tea and you take your bra off.
318
00:13:04,399 --> 00:13:06,600
[laughter]
319
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:08,440
Oh, right.
320
00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:10,320
Isn't that Bob Geldof there?
321
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,360
No, it-- wait a second.
322
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:13,279
It is, you know.
323
00:13:13,399 --> 00:13:14,759
He's looking a bit rough.
324
00:13:14,879 --> 00:13:17,080
Sure, he lost all his money
in that Live Aid thing.
325
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,120
I'm not sure if
it is Bob Geldof.
326
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,039
Hang on there a second.
327
00:13:20,159 --> 00:13:20,960
Excuse me.
328
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:21,840
Are you--
329
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,080
FATHER JACK: Feck off!
330
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,279
It's himself, all right.
331
00:13:25,399 --> 00:13:27,080
[laughter]
332
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,320
And now, walking.
333
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:30,480
[audience exclaiming]
334
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,240
Look at them there,
walking around.
335
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:34,679
Look out there, Mary.
336
00:13:34,799 --> 00:13:37,519
Doesn't Mary have
a lovely bottom?
337
00:13:37,639 --> 00:13:38,480
Careful there, Ted.
338
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,320
That might offend the girls.
339
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:41,559
Right, Liam.
340
00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:44,879
Of course, they all
have lovely bottoms.
341
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,200
[laughter]
342
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,519
Actually, Mrs. Doyle is
the one who makes the tea,
343
00:13:52,639 --> 00:13:53,759
and she's out.
344
00:13:53,879 --> 00:13:55,200
[grunting]
345
00:13:56,759 --> 00:13:58,879
Why don't you
just make the tea?
346
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,440
But Mrs. Doyle makes the tea.
347
00:14:02,559 --> 00:14:05,080
Anyway, I'd better just tell
you the reason why I'm here.
348
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,919
I'm looking for a
house around the area,
349
00:14:07,039 --> 00:14:10,279
and I really, really
like this one.
350
00:14:14,639 --> 00:14:15,919
I'm sorry, Joan.
351
00:14:16,039 --> 00:14:18,799
Your sandwich exceeds the
required six centimeters
352
00:14:18,919 --> 00:14:21,759
in width, and that means
it's between Imelda and Mary
353
00:14:21,879 --> 00:14:24,320
in the Lovely Laugh tie-break.
354
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:27,080
[applause]
355
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,600
In order to hear
your lovely laugh,
356
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:30,559
I'll have to tell you a joke.
357
00:14:30,679 --> 00:14:31,720
So here we go.
358
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,120
This is my Robin
Williams impression.
359
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,120
OK, here we go.
360
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,600
This is the joke now, OK?
361
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:36,919
A secretary.
362
00:14:37,039 --> 00:14:39,879
"Sir, the invisible
man is in reception."
363
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,000
Got that?
364
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,919
"Boss, tell him
I can't see him."
365
00:14:44,039 --> 00:14:45,799
[forced giggling]
366
00:14:47,279 --> 00:14:49,200
I think I have to say
Imelda's laugh is nicer.
367
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:50,399
I'm sorry, Mary.
368
00:14:50,519 --> 00:14:52,840
That means Imelda is the winner.
369
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,840
[organ playing]
370
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,799
[applause]
371
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,879
And there's your
Certificate of Loveliness.
372
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,639
And of course, you'll be
going to dinner tomorrow
373
00:15:01,759 --> 00:15:04,360
in Craggy Island's top seafood
restaurant, the Thai Cottage.
374
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,240
And who will you be
inviting to dinner?
375
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:07,720
I'll be bringing my mother.
376
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,519
Just have another
go at that, Imelda.
377
00:15:09,639 --> 00:15:10,519
Sorry.
378
00:15:10,639 --> 00:15:11,639
I'll be inviting you, Father.
379
00:15:11,759 --> 00:15:13,440
Yes, you will.
380
00:15:13,559 --> 00:15:15,080
And you'll be paying.
It's not me.
381
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,679
It's not me who pays.
382
00:15:16,799 --> 00:15:19,519
So there she is, the winner
of our Lovely Girl in 1996.
383
00:15:19,639 --> 00:15:21,159
It's Imelda!
384
00:15:21,279 --> 00:15:24,639
[cheering and applause]
385
00:15:31,279 --> 00:15:32,360
FATHER DOUGAL:
There you are, Ted.
386
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,080
How'd the Lovely
Girls Competition go?
387
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,200
Brilliantly well, and
as is the tradition,
388
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:37,399
I get a free dinner
tomorrow night.
389
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:38,320
Great.
390
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:39,639
Is Jack with you?
391
00:15:39,759 --> 00:15:40,559
Oh, God.
392
00:15:40,679 --> 00:15:42,080
Jack.
393
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,519
Wow, you really knocked
Michael Hutchins unconscious?
394
00:15:45,639 --> 00:15:48,360
I battered him!
395
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,399
Anyway, anything
happen while I was away?
396
00:15:50,519 --> 00:15:52,519
No, I can't think
of anything, anyway.
397
00:15:52,639 --> 00:15:55,279
Oh, one Niamh Connolly called.
398
00:15:55,399 --> 00:15:56,919
Niamh Connolly?
399
00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:57,840
What did you say to her?
400
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:58,919
Oh, don't worry, Ted.
401
00:15:59,039 --> 00:16:00,279
It was fine.
402
00:16:00,399 --> 00:16:01,480
I just took your advice
about talking to girls,
403
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:02,559
and it was grand.
404
00:16:02,679 --> 00:16:04,159
She's upstairs now.
405
00:16:04,279 --> 00:16:05,480
She's still here?
406
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,200
Yeah, actually, I think
she's in the toilet.
407
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,279
Oh, hello again.
408
00:16:10,399 --> 00:16:13,960
I was just telling Ted
you were in the toilet.
409
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:15,480
Hello, there.
410
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:16,600
Father Ted Crilly.
411
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,279
You must be Miss Connolly.
412
00:16:18,399 --> 00:16:20,639
Oh, I suppose that's sexist now
to call the young lady "miss."
413
00:16:20,759 --> 00:16:21,879
I'm sorry.
414
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,159
It's too late for me
to change my ways.
415
00:16:23,279 --> 00:16:25,600
You can't teach an
old dog new tricks.
416
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:28,120
Well, it's getting
kind of late.
417
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:29,000
All right.
418
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,559
Well, I won't keep you.
419
00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:31,600
Bye, so.
420
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:32,480
Bye.
421
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:36,159
Good bye, Father.
422
00:16:36,279 --> 00:16:38,000
Yes, goodbye.
423
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,879
Oh, Ted, that's
the other thing.
424
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,120
I sold Niamh the house.
425
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,000
What?
426
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:45,159
[laughter]
427
00:16:45,279 --> 00:16:47,440
Actually, I just
gave it to her.
428
00:16:47,559 --> 00:16:48,320
What?
429
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,399
You-- wait a minute.
430
00:16:50,519 --> 00:16:51,919
Niamh's going to
turn it into a studio.
431
00:16:52,039 --> 00:16:54,039
She said we can have all
the recording time we want.
432
00:16:54,159 --> 00:16:55,720
Wait now, wait now.
433
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,279
You gave her the house?
I mean, how--
434
00:16:57,399 --> 00:16:58,240
Ted, wait a second.
435
00:16:58,360 --> 00:16:59,559
Where are we going to live?
436
00:16:59,679 --> 00:17:02,440
[laughter]
437
00:17:02,559 --> 00:17:04,119
Miss Connolly.
438
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,079
Miss Connolly, there's been a
terrible misunderstanding here.
439
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,759
Look, I have to record
a duet over the phone
440
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,079
with Peter Gabriel.
441
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,799
So I hope you don't
mind, but Nigel and Tony
442
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,240
will show you out.
443
00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:17,319
Well, I'm sorry, but
we're not going anywhere.
444
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,799
Oh?
445
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,079
Right, I'm not staying
here to be insulted by you.
446
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,759
Come on, Dougal.
We're leaving.
447
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,400
I wouldn't stay in this house
if you gave me a million pounds.
448
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:28,480
Wait a minute.
449
00:17:28,599 --> 00:17:29,839
What did I say there?
450
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,880
I meant to say, please
give us back the house.
451
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:32,839
What did I say?
452
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,960
Why are we outside?
453
00:17:35,079 --> 00:17:37,799
Ted, where are
we going to live?
454
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,279
[thunder crackling]
455
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,039
God almighty, Dougal.
456
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:45,240
I go away for a few
hours, and you've
457
00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:46,279
managed to give away the house.
458
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,079
I mean, take me to it again.
459
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:49,359
What exactly happened?
460
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,119
I was just sticking
to your rules, Ted.
461
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:52,880
Number one, be yourself.
462
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,720
No, no, no, no.
463
00:17:54,839 --> 00:17:56,559
Be yourself is just
something people say.
464
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:57,880
Never be yourself with women.
465
00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,920
Never, never, never.
466
00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:01,519
What then?
467
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,119
Well, I tried to make her
more comfortable, like you said.
468
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,319
Yes?
469
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:06,839
So I asked her to
take off her bra.
470
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,079
We'll come back to that one.
471
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:13,359
But you gave away the house.
472
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:14,839
And what about the
golden rule, Ted?
473
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,160
Always give them
what they want.
474
00:18:16,279 --> 00:18:17,240
No, no.
475
00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:18,880
That's the silver rule.
476
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,759
The golden rule is if anyone
is ever talking to you again,
477
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,519
think about what you're
saying and then don't say it.
478
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,319
And then just run
away somewhere.
479
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,599
Right.
480
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:27,880
All right.
481
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,599
This is a long shot,
but it's our only hope.
482
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,000
I'm going to leave this
paper and pencil here,
483
00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:33,759
and hopefully in the
morning, God will have
484
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:34,880
written down what we should do.
485
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:35,799
OK?
486
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,119
[laughter]
487
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:40,319
That is a long shot.
488
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,599
It's our only hope, Dougal.
489
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:45,519
Come on, God.
490
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:59,240
- Ah!
- What is it?
491
00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:00,640
Did God write back?
492
00:19:00,759 --> 00:19:02,240
No, he didn't.
493
00:19:02,359 --> 00:19:04,720
Bollocks, anyway.
494
00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,000
Right.
495
00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:08,680
I'm going to have to
handle this myself.
496
00:19:08,799 --> 00:19:10,559
FATHER TED: Basically
the thing is, the house--
497
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,559
it really wasn't
Dougal's to give away.
498
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,359
So it would be great if you
could give it back to us.
499
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,960
I think you'd be
interested in the kind
500
00:19:16,079 --> 00:19:18,519
of work we're doing here.
We're a very progressive parish.
501
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,400
I hope it's not some kind of
hideaway for pedophile priests.
502
00:19:21,519 --> 00:19:23,640
That whole thing disgusted me.
503
00:19:23,759 --> 00:19:25,279
Well, Niamh, we're
not all like that.
504
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,559
I mean, say if there's 200
million priests in the world
505
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,440
and-- and 5% of
them are pedophiles.
506
00:19:29,559 --> 00:19:32,680
That's still only 10 million.
507
00:19:32,799 --> 00:19:34,599
No, what we wanted
to create here
508
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,799
was a word free of
intolerance and hypocrisy.
509
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,200
- Really, Father?
- Yes.
510
00:19:39,319 --> 00:19:40,559
Yes.
511
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,160
If there's one thing I
hate, it's hypocrisy.
512
00:19:42,279 --> 00:19:45,920
I mean, the sexism rampant
in the Church is appalling.
513
00:19:46,039 --> 00:19:47,240
Yes, yes.
514
00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:49,480
God, it gets my goat.
515
00:19:49,599 --> 00:19:51,319
We're very different
here in Craggy Island.
516
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,200
We don't like any of
that kind of thing.
517
00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:58,359
Ah, Ted, who is
this lovely girl?
518
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:01,279
Now, Ted, you were only
supposed to pick one, you know.
519
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,720
Don't call me a lovely girl.
520
00:20:02,839 --> 00:20:04,000
I've sold 20 million records.
521
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:04,920
What?
522
00:20:05,039 --> 00:20:06,079
[laughing]
523
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,680
Anyway, Ted, what do you think?
524
00:20:08,799 --> 00:20:10,559
This one or this one?
525
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,519
Now, I like this one.
526
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,559
Well, that's a nice one, Liam.
527
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:17,640
Oh, I don't know, but I
like the color of this one.
528
00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:21,240
Oh, I just don't know.
529
00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:23,519
Well, they're both great.
530
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,920
I'm sure whichever one you
pick, it will be just lovely.
531
00:20:26,039 --> 00:20:28,559
Thanks, Ted.
532
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:29,920
You see?
533
00:20:30,039 --> 00:20:33,119
All sorts of alternative
lifestyles catered for.
534
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,839
We're a refuge for
priests like Father Liam.
535
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,720
Where else could he give a
sermon while dressed like,
536
00:20:37,839 --> 00:20:40,079
uh, Joan Crawford?
537
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:41,200
Please, Niamh.
538
00:20:41,319 --> 00:20:42,759
Please don't take
away our house.
539
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,400
Please don't stop
our good work here.
540
00:20:44,519 --> 00:20:46,039
You know, I have
to say, Father.
541
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:50,440
I had no idea that priests could
be involved in such good work.
542
00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:51,799
You probably have
that old-fashioned
543
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:55,799
view of the drunken,
old, lecherous priest.
544
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,440
That stereotype is long
gone, I assure you.
545
00:20:58,559 --> 00:20:59,400
[alarm]
546
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:04,240
[thudding]
547
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,559
Drink!
548
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:13,880
Woman!
549
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,480
Father Billy, can't
talk at just the moment.
550
00:21:17,599 --> 00:21:20,319
See you later!
551
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:23,799
Father Billy would be one of
our more old style priests.
552
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,720
He likes to pop around for,
erm, you know, a good old debate
553
00:21:26,839 --> 00:21:28,640
once in a while.
554
00:21:28,759 --> 00:21:30,000
He came from upstairs?
555
00:21:30,119 --> 00:21:31,680
Yes.
556
00:21:31,799 --> 00:21:34,839
He likes hiding around the house
so he can spring a topic on me.
557
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,599
Like maybe he'd be
hiding in the bathroom
558
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,000
and I'd go to the toilet, and
he'd suddenly jump out and say,
559
00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:40,680
women priests!
560
00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:44,440
And I'd have to think very fast
and say, I'm in favor of them.
561
00:21:44,559 --> 00:21:46,519
Anyway, the main
thing I wanted to say,
562
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,920
Niamh, is we're huge,
huge fans of yours here.
563
00:21:50,039 --> 00:21:52,720
I'd say we must have
every album you ever made.
564
00:21:52,839 --> 00:21:54,279
Would you like me
to sign them for you?
565
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:58,400
Oh, that would be great.
566
00:21:58,519 --> 00:21:59,279
Could you?
567
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,400
Yes.
568
00:22:00,519 --> 00:22:02,039
Of course you
should stay here.
569
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:06,279
As soon as I sign the albums,
I'll give you the keys back.
570
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,920
Well, I'll just go
and get the records.
571
00:22:08,039 --> 00:22:08,839
Thank you.
572
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:09,720
Thank you.
573
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:17,000
[heavy metal music]
574
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:38,279
[panting]
575
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,160
Here, your records.
576
00:22:40,279 --> 00:22:41,920
What would you like
me to put on them?
577
00:22:42,039 --> 00:22:42,839
Don't care.
578
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:50,200
Father, I finished
digging that drainage ditch.
579
00:22:50,319 --> 00:22:51,279
No, Mrs. Doyle.
580
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,039
Now, I know you
wanted me to clean
581
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,160
those roof slates tonight.
582
00:22:55,279 --> 00:22:56,759
Mrs. Doyle, no, don't.
583
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,440
Now, I thought I
might do them tomorrow
584
00:22:59,559 --> 00:23:02,920
when there's less chance of me
falling off and being killed.
585
00:23:03,039 --> 00:23:04,920
[laughter]
586
00:23:10,839 --> 00:23:13,359
And then Sting
fell down the stairs.
587
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,960
Will Father Ted
be coming later?
588
00:23:20,079 --> 00:23:23,559
No, he has to stay home
so Mrs. Doyle can come out.
589
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,839
It's the only reason I
gave him the house back.
590
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,000
One night off every
week for Mrs. Doyle.
591
00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:29,960
Maybe I should just
go and check on them.
592
00:23:30,079 --> 00:23:32,200
Sit down.
593
00:23:32,319 --> 00:23:36,039
Now, come on, let's
enjoy ourselves, sisters.
594
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:37,119
No men around.
595
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,079
We can do what we like.
596
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,200
Is that meat?
597
00:23:42,319 --> 00:23:44,119
[laughter]
598
00:23:45,279 --> 00:23:48,200
Do I still have
to pay for this?
40721
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