Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

NIAMH (ON TV): And societies in ancient India

were ruled by women.

Really?

And men weren't allowed around women without a license.

Men were put in a car and told off for being sexist.

Anyway, you're going to do a song from your new album for us

now.

God, what an idiot.

She's never happy unless she's complaining about something.

Oh, you're right there, Ted.

I believe this new song is about the Catholic church?

Ah, here she goes.

NIAMH (ON TV): That's right.

It's about how the Church and Ireland secretly

had lots of potatoes during the famine,

and they hit the potatoes in pillows

and sold them abroad at potato fairs.

Ah, really.

And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that

were making the potatoes and turned

them into prisons for children. - God almighty.

She says that as if there was something sinister about it.

I mean, what is the problem with her?

She seems to be taking the whole Catholic thing a bit

seriously, Ted.

Yes, Dougal.

I mean, it's just a bit of a laugh.

Stop talking, Dougal.

Anyway, it's this whole radical feminism

laugh that really gets my go.

Mad.

This idea that the Catholic church

has some sort of negative attitude to women.

Ted, she's doing her song.

Big man of rocks telling us what to do.

They can't get pregnant like I do.

Mrs. Doyle, you're a woman.

What do you make of all this stuff?

Do you think the Catholic church is a bit sexist?

Oh, God, no, Father.

I've always found the church very responsive to my views.

I mean, I remember one time I was having

terrible troubles at home, and the Church

gave me great support then.

And I know a lot of people like to run the Church down,

but they're just a load of old moaners.

Moan, moan, moan.

So thanks for asking, Father, but no, no,

I have no complaints at all.

Yeah, great.

[laughter]

You give us all your rules, but that's not the way it was.

Women ruled the land of

[gibberish]

[laughter]

[bell ringing]

Oh, no!

FATHER JACK: Drink!

[laughter]

God, he goes mad if I'm a second late with his drink.

Father Jack, your afternoon drink.

You know, you should really get a haircut.

You don't want to go too far down the Bob Geldof road.

No, Ted, that's a bad road.

It is indeed, Dougal.

And once you've gone down it, there's no coming back,

as Bob himself will tell you.

Ha, ha, ha. [smack noise]

Oh!

[laughter]

What did you pay for the shelves, Ted?

God, I don't really remember, Liam.

These won't last you.

Look at that.

Gee, I could talk that into coming down.

Well, they've lasted fine until now.

Give Give us a go.

Ah.

Oh, God.

I can feel it beginning to give.

[laughter]

Ah, look at that, Ted.

Sure, it's falling apart.

How about a little cup of tea, Liam?

Fair enough.

So, um--

[laughter]

--what did you want talk to me about?

Oh, yes.

Now, you were planning on going to the Lovely Girls Festival

this year, weren't you?

Oh, yes.

I never miss the Lovely Girls Festival.

My absolute favorite time of year.

How is Miss Lovely Girl of 1995 doing?

God, Ted, we had to strip her of her title.

Oh, God. Why?

We found out she'd been in a film called "Stallion Farm."

I heard it was a bit rude.

Anyway, I'm chairman of the organizing committee this year,

and I was wondering if you wanted to judge it.

Judge it?

Oh, God, Liam, I'd love to.

Oh, and there's the dinner afterwards, isn't there?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

You have the honor of taking the winner out for a meal.

And I think-- who pays for it?

It's not me.

Did I hear that somewhere? - Oh, yes.

That's right.

We brought that in a few years ago.

You have the honor of taking her out for a meal,

and she has the honor of paying for it.

Lovely.

How much that stereo set you back, Ted?

[laughter]

About 100 pounds.

I could have got you a great one for half that.

Careful, Liam.

Anyway, you were saying?

Oh, yes.

Now, when you take the lovely girl out to dinner,

could you ever persuade her to wear one of me mammy's dresses?

She could use the publicity.

Right.

How's the business going?

Oh, great!

She sold one last week.

How many is that sold this year?

That would be one.

You see?

Anyway, basically, you see, we thought

it would be a bit of a laugh getting

a priest to judge it this year.

Also, it eliminates any sexual aspect to the thing.

Or am I wrong?

Huh?

I hope you won't be tempted by all those lovely girls.

Oh, there's no chance of that, Liam.

Because we've had problems with that sort of thing before,

you know.

[laughing]

No, no, Ted.

We really have had problems with that sort of thing before.

All right.

You don't have to worry there, Liam.

Right.

I'll be off.

Good bye, Liam.

How much did you pay for the door, Ted?

I don't know.

It came with the house.

[kicking against door]

[laughter]

Cowboys, Ted.

They're a bunch of cowboys!

FATHER TED: Oh, God, there she is again.

She's all over the place.

"Clit power."

What does that mean?

I don't know.

I knew a Father Clint Power.

Maybe she's having a go at him.

Well, what's the interview like?

I didn't really read much of it, Ted.

She's going around the country at the moment.

I think she wants to buy a house on an island and live in it,

and she has her eye on some godforsaken place

off the west coast.

Really?

Did it mention what island she had her eye on?

Craggy Island, yeah.

Craggy Island is the place for me.

I see it as being a safe haven for those who wish to escape

the hypocrisy of the mainland.

Oh, God.

I wish to create a world free of sexual

and religious intolerance.

No, no, no, no.

That's terrible news.

Right.

Basically, we just have to stand our ground.

If she's on the island, I'm bound to bump into her.

I'll just tell her the people of Craggy Island

will not stand for a world free of sexual

and religious intolerance.

No way, Jose.

Right, father.

The roof should be OK now.

I hoovered the upstairs, and I did the attic top to bottom.

What else?

Oh, yes, yes.

I washed your car.

Also, I built a little greenhouse beside the garage.

Will that be all for you today?

Oh, Mrs. Doyle.

Any chance of a cup of tea for your two favorite priests?

[laughter]

Go on, Ted.

It's only 11.

What are you doing up?

I want to get away early to the Lovely Girls Competition.

I wouldn't mind going myself, but I don't think I'd know

what to say to a lovely girl.

God, Dougal, there's no end of things you could talk about.

You would ask them what their father does for a living,

if they have a boyfriend, dresses,

anything to do with clothes and perfume, basically.

Clothes is easiest, because men wear clothes

but we don't wear perfume.

Except Father Bigley.

Except Father Bigley.

Anyway, if you ever meet a woman,

I'm sure you'll be able to deal with it.

Just be yourself, Dougal.

Be yourself, make them feel at ease, and the golden rule--

always let them have their way.

It's easiest in the long run.

Anyway, I better be off.

I don't want to keep those lovely girls waiting.

OK.

Right.

Be yourself.

Hi.

How are you doing?

[chuckling]

She's coming for you, Billy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

She's got her eye on Paddy.

- Oh. - Hello, lads.

How's it going there? - Hello, father.

Oh, we're getting the eye from all the girls.

Ho, ho, ho!

Hope you don't get into any mischief.

Oh, you know us, Father.

I do, and that's the trouble.

[laughing]

Guys, guys, guys, sorry.

I have to go.

The competition starts any second.

Now, Father, that's not on, impersonating Sir Bob.

And what would all those other Live Aid people think?

Peter Gabriel and Queen and the other bands that

went on earlier in the day?

And what about Phil Collins flying all the way to Boston?

Ooh!

Feck off!

Shoddy workmanship, that's what it is.

Shoddy!

Shoddy!

Shoddy!

Ted, for crying out loud, will you get up there?

The girls won't stay lovely forever, you know.

Sorry.

Father Jack just punched me in the stomach.

God.

[panting]

Hello, lovely girls.

Look at them there.

[panting]

Walking around.

[grunting]

Oh.

Ah.

Ah.

[doorbell ringing]

Mrs. Doyle?

Someone at the door, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle?

[sighing]

NIAMH: Hello there.

Well, Imelda, you're a lovely girl, although I hear you

had a bit of bad luck recently.

Your dog was knocked down by a car and killed?

No, that was-- that was my father.

[laughter]

It says here that you're 22.

19.

Right.

And you were born in Mayo.

That's a lovely part of the world.

Dundalk.

Dundalk, yeah.

And it says here that you're a black belt in karate.

So what would you do if I came at you like that?

[screaming]

Imelda! It's all right.

[nervous laughter]

Tell you what, you look through my notes

and stop at any point of information

that's actually true.

I will indeed, Father.

You haven't told me your name yet, Father.

Erm.

"Be yourself."

Right.

Father Dougal Maguire.

All right.

This is a great house.

I really love the crude religious imagery.

Yes, I like it.

Are you all right there?

How's your bra?

What?

[laughter]

Your bra?

Is it comfortable?

Do you have a bra?

[laughter]

It's not too tight, is it?

Because you can loosen it if you want.

Take it off, sure.

Go on.

Or would you like some tea?

I tell you what, I'll make the tea and you take your bra off.

[laughter]

Oh, right.

Isn't that Bob Geldof there?

No, it-- wait a second.

It is, you know.

He's looking a bit rough.

Sure, he lost all his money in that Live Aid thing.

I'm not sure if it is Bob Geldof.

Hang on there a second.

Excuse me.

Are you--

FATHER JACK: Feck off!

It's himself, all right.

[laughter]

And now, walking.

[audience exclaiming]

Look at them there, walking around.

Look out there, Mary.

Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom?

Careful there, Ted.

That might offend the girls.

Right, Liam.

Of course, they all have lovely bottoms.

[laughter]

Actually, Mrs. Doyle is the one who makes the tea,

and she's out.

[grunting]

Why don't you just make the tea?

But Mrs. Doyle makes the tea.

Anyway, I'd better just tell you the reason why I'm here.

I'm looking for a house around the area,

and I really, really like this one.

I'm sorry, Joan.

Your sandwich exceeds the required six centimeters

in width, and that means it's between Imelda and Mary

in the Lovely Laugh tie-break.

[applause]

In order to hear your lovely laugh,

I'll have to tell you a joke.

So here we go.

This is my Robin Williams impression.

OK, here we go.

This is the joke now, OK?

A secretary.

"Sir, the invisible man is in reception."

Got that?

"Boss, tell him I can't see him."

[forced giggling]

I think I have to say Imelda's laugh is nicer.

I'm sorry, Mary.

That means Imelda is the winner.

[organ playing]

[applause]

And there's your Certificate of Loveliness.

And of course, you'll be going to dinner tomorrow

in Craggy Island's top seafood restaurant, the Thai Cottage.

And who will you be inviting to dinner?

I'll be bringing my mother.

Just have another go at that, Imelda.

Sorry.

I'll be inviting you, Father.

Yes, you will.

And you'll be paying. It's not me.

It's not me who pays.

So there she is, the winner of our Lovely Girl in 1996.

It's Imelda!

[cheering and applause]

FATHER DOUGAL: There you are, Ted.

How'd the Lovely Girls Competition go?

Brilliantly well, and as is the tradition,

I get a free dinner tomorrow night.

Great.

Is Jack with you?

Oh, God.

Jack.

Wow, you really knocked Michael Hutchins unconscious?

I battered him!

Anyway, anything happen while I was away?

No, I can't think of anything, anyway.

Oh, one Niamh Connolly called.

Niamh Connolly?

What did you say to her?

Oh, don't worry, Ted.

It was fine.

I just took your advice about talking to girls,

and it was grand.

She's upstairs now.

She's still here?

Yeah, actually, I think she's in the toilet.

Oh, hello again.

I was just telling Ted you were in the toilet.

Hello, there.

Father Ted Crilly.

You must be Miss Connolly.

Oh, I suppose that's sexist now to call the young lady "miss."

I'm sorry.

It's too late for me to change my ways.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Well, it's getting kind of late.

All right.

Well, I won't keep you.

Bye, so.

Bye.

Good bye, Father.

Yes, goodbye.

Oh, Ted, that's the other thing.

I sold Niamh the house.

What?

[laughter]

Actually, I just gave it to her.

What?

You-- wait a minute.

Niamh's going to turn it into a studio.

She said we can have all the recording time we want.

Wait now, wait now.

You gave her the house? I mean, how--

Ted, wait a second.

Where are we going to live?

[laughter]

Miss Connolly.

Miss Connolly, there's been a terrible misunderstanding here.

Look, I have to record a duet over the phone

with Peter Gabriel.

So I hope you don't mind, but Nigel and Tony

will show you out.

Well, I'm sorry, but we're not going anywhere.

Oh?

Right, I'm not staying here to be insulted by you.

Come on, Dougal. We're leaving.

I wouldn't stay in this house if you gave me a million pounds.

Wait a minute.

What did I say there?

I meant to say, please give us back the house.

What did I say?

Why are we outside?

Ted, where are we going to live?

[thunder crackling]

God almighty, Dougal.

I go away for a few hours, and you've

managed to give away the house.

I mean, take me to it again.

What exactly happened?

I was just sticking to your rules, Ted.

Number one, be yourself.

No, no, no, no.

Be yourself is just something people say.

Never be yourself with women.

Never, never, never.

What then?

Well, I tried to make her more comfortable, like you said.

Yes?

So I asked her to take off her bra.

We'll come back to that one.

But you gave away the house.

And what about the golden rule, Ted?

Always give them what they want.

No, no.

That's the silver rule.

The golden rule is if anyone is ever talking to you again,

think about what you're saying and then don't say it.

And then just run away somewhere.

Right.

All right.

This is a long shot, but it's our only hope.

I'm going to leave this paper and pencil here,

and hopefully in the morning, God will have

written down what we should do.

OK?

[laughter]

That is a long shot.

It's our only hope, Dougal.

Come on, God.

- Ah! - What is it?

Did God write back?

No, he didn't.

Bollocks, anyway.

Right.

I'm going to have to handle this myself.

FATHER TED: Basically the thing is, the house--

it really wasn't Dougal's to give away.

So it would be great if you could give it back to us.

I think you'd be interested in the kind

of work we're doing here. We're a very progressive parish.

I hope it's not some kind of hideaway for pedophile priests.

That whole thing disgusted me.

Well, Niamh, we're not all like that.

I mean, say if there's 200 million priests in the world

and-- and 5% of them are pedophiles.

That's still only 10 million.

No, what we wanted to create here

was a word free of intolerance and hypocrisy.

- Really, Father? - Yes.

Yes.

If there's one thing I hate, it's hypocrisy.

I mean, the sexism rampant in the Church is appalling.

Yes, yes.

God, it gets my goat.

We're very different here in Craggy Island.

We don't like any of that kind of thing.

Ah, Ted, who is this lovely girl?

Now, Ted, you were only supposed to pick one, you know.

Don't call me a lovely girl.

I've sold 20 million records.

What?

[laughing]

Anyway, Ted, what do you think?

This one or this one?

Now, I like this one.

Well, that's a nice one, Liam.

Oh, I don't know, but I like the color of this one.

Oh, I just don't know.

Well, they're both great.

I'm sure whichever one you pick, it will be just lovely.

Thanks, Ted.

You see?

All sorts of alternative lifestyles catered for.

We're a refuge for priests like Father Liam.

Where else could he give a sermon while dressed like,

uh, Joan Crawford?

Please, Niamh.

Please don't take away our house.

Please don't stop our good work here.

You know, I have to say, Father.

I had no idea that priests could be involved in such good work.

You probably have that old-fashioned

view of the drunken, old, lecherous priest.

That stereotype is long gone, I assure you.

[alarm]

[thudding]

Drink!

Woman!

Father Billy, can't talk at just the moment.

See you later!

Father Billy would be one of our more old style priests.

He likes to pop around for, erm, you know, a good old debate

once in a while.

He came from upstairs?

Yes.

He likes hiding around the house so he can spring a topic on me.

Like maybe he'd be hiding in the bathroom

and I'd go to the toilet, and he'd suddenly jump out and say,

women priests!

And I'd have to think very fast and say, I'm in favor of them.

Anyway, the main thing I wanted to say,

Niamh, is we're huge, huge fans of yours here.

I'd say we must have every album you ever made.

Would you like me to sign them for you?

Oh, that would be great.

Could you?

Yes.

Of course you should stay here.

As soon as I sign the albums, I'll give you the keys back.

Well, I'll just go and get the records.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[heavy metal music]

[panting]

Here, your records.

What would you like me to put on them?

Don't care.

Father, I finished digging that drainage ditch.

No, Mrs. Doyle.

Now, I know you wanted me to clean

those roof slates tonight.

Mrs. Doyle, no, don't.

Now, I thought I might do them tomorrow

when there's less chance of me falling off and being killed.

[laughter]

And then Sting fell down the stairs.

Will Father Ted be coming later?

No, he has to stay home so Mrs. Doyle can come out.

It's the only reason I gave him the house back.

One night off every week for Mrs. Doyle.

Maybe I should just go and check on them.

Sit down.

Now, come on, let's enjoy ourselves, sisters.

No men around.

We can do what we like.

Is that meat?

[laughter]

Do I still have to pay for this?