Original subtitles

[music - theme, "father ted"]

Ted! Ted!

Quick!

It's Father Ben!

Oh, great!

I love this.

God, Ben.

I'm such an idiot.

I put the shorts on me head.

God almighty, Brendan.

You really are a big fool.

This is really top notch stuff.

That Brendan's an idiot.

God, I know someone just like Ben, big pickle.

[BOMB FALLING, WHISTLING THROUGH AIR]

[explosion]

Come on, you two, nearly there.

It's a bit creepy, isn't it?

Oh, for goodness sake, Jane.

There's nothing out here that could possibly harm.

[screams]

There he is, now, anywhere.

- He's great, isn't he? - He is, all right.

Does he have a name?

No, I don't think so.

The woman in the pet shop didn't mention one, anyway.

It Oh, I don't know.

How about Ted?

That's a good name for a rabbit.

No, I don't think that's a good idea, Dougal.

You're forgetting I'm called Ted as well.

I could call you Father Ted.

No, seriously, Dougal, you'd have to come up with something

a bit more original. [door closes]

Hello, Fathers.

[in unison] Hello, Mrs. Doyle.

How about Mrs. Doyle?

Mrs. Doyle is not a good name for a rabbit.

You need something like Popsie or Bruce.

All right.

Wait, I've got one.

You see the way he's got big floppy ears there,

flopping all over the place.

Yeah?

Well, why don't we call him Father Jack Hackett?

Perfect, Father Jack it is.

What?

Nothing Father.

Dougal's named his new rabbit after you.

What?

Are you all right, Father Jack?

What?

He's not talking to you, Father.

He's talking to the rabbit.

What?

I think Father Jack wants a drink.

Drink, drink!

Maybe we could give him water.

Water?

Feck!

Dougal, this is getting far too confusing.

Oh, Ted, I've got used to calling him Father Jack.

Can we not call Father Jack something else?

Great.

What do we call him?

Flipper, Flipper the priest.

Yes?

Dougal, this is not going to work.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Crilly, it's me, Bishop Brennan.

Oh, feck!

What?

Who is this?

There is no Crilly here.

God, Dougal, I'm just left saying feck to Bishop Brennan.

Oh, he won't like that, Ted.

Maybe it's all right, though.

I put on a foreign voice so he'll think

he dialed the wrong number.

[telephong ringing]

Crilly.

Ah, hello Bishop Brennan.

I think you've got the wrong number when you called there.

Shut up, Crilly.

Shut up.

I'll make this quick.

What would the following words suggest to you?

Jack sleepwalking and bollock naked?

Oh, no.

Now this is the third time in the last six months.

You may have heard of Brian Noonan,

hm, a very important junior minister

and a personal friend of mine.

And I can tell you the last thing he and his family

needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing

only a pair of socks and a hat.

Now I'll be around on Thursday to examine

the security arrangements.

And Crilly?

Yes?

If you ever try to bullshit me like that again,

I will rip off your arms.

Bishop Brennan's coming over to have

a word with you, Father, about your nude sleepwalking.

Nudy Father Jack.

Can you think of any reason why you might be doing that?

You're not having any doubts about your vocation, are you?

What?

You can always share your problems with us.

Father Dougal and I will always lend you a friendly ear.

Isn't that right, Dougal?

Absolutely.

Do you want to talk about it now?

Well, Ted, Byker Grove.

Oh, God, yes, after Byker Grove.

Go on.

Go on, boy, fetch.

Come on, now, Dougy, get him into his cage.

Or do you want Bishop Brennan seeing him?

Ah, Ted, he might like him.

No, he wouldn't like him.

He doesn't like rabbits at all.

Why not?

Strange story-- about 10 years ago, he was in New York,

and he got trapped in a lift with about

20 rabbits for the whole night.

They started nibbling his cape and everything.

- How did they get in? - I don't know.

I suppose they must have burrowed in, you know, rabbits.

God, he can move fast enough, can't he?

Why do you say that, Ted?

Well, he just shoved across the floor to me there.

Wait!

That's your rabbit.

Yeah.

So where did this one come from?

Uh, Ted, there's another one on Jack's head.

You make sure your rabbit doesn't get

mixed up with these other lads.

All right.

Come on, Sampras.

What did you call him?

Sampras, like Pete Sampras.

Why?

Well, you know, rabbits, tennis, you know,

that whole connection there.

All right.

Anyhow, we'll just release these spare ones into the wild.

OK?

Ah, look at him there on his own without any other rabbits

for company. Hm.

It must feel like Brian Keenan after they took John

McCarthy away to another cell.

Anyway, he'll get used to it.

Morning, Father-- bills, bills, more bills.

Morning, Ted.

Morning, Dougal.

What'll we do today?

We'll have to get that rabbit of yours out of the way

before Bishop Brennan comes over.

He'll go mad if he thought there's

rabbits around the place.

Right, fair enough.

I hope he's in a good mood.

Len can be very scary you know, when--

when-- Come on!

What's wrong, Ted?

- Rabbits! - Rabbits?

Where? Oh, wow.

Where the hell did these ones come from?

God, it's like a big rabbit rock festival.

Well, I suppose we just have to get used to it.

Get used to it?

We'll have to get them out of here before he arrives.

I'll ring the pet shop.

No, Ted, it was a traveling pet shop.

They won't be back till spring.

What are we going to do?

Now, now there is actually something we can do, Ted.

If we-- now, let me see now.

Just wait a second there.

I know, I know, I've got it, Ted, right now.

Now the way I see it is, if we--

now wait a second.

What's the problem again?

The rabbits!

Yes, Ted, yes, yes.

Sorry about that.

I know exactly what to do.

Why don't we give them to Father Larry Duff?

You're right.

He's always going on about how he'd love to have a few rabbits

running around the place.

I used think it was just a mad thing to say.

[dialing]

[telephone ringing]

Hello, Larry?

Why hello, Ted.

How is it hanging?

It's hanging fine, Larry.

Listen, I've got a bit of a problem here.

You remember you were looking for a few rabbits

around the place?

Oh, I do, Ted.

That's one of my all time fantasies.

I'd love to have a few hundred rabbits

running all over the place.

Well, today's your lucky day.

We've got loads of the things.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ted.

I won't be able to take them.

Why not, Larry?

I sort of gave up on the rabbits idea.

Well, it just seemed too far fetched.

So I've got 12 rottweilers instead.

I'd take the rabbits, only I'd be afraid the rottweilers

might upset them, you know.

Yes, Larry, I understand.

Bye.

Bye, Ted.

Oh, you're a bad dog.

Don't you look at me like that.

[dog growling]

You've been a very bad dog.

[dog growling]

Ahh!

He can't take the rabbits.

He's got 12 rottweilers.

Hey, hey, hey, you!

Yes, Father?

[can't get the words out] Rr ss pfft--

rats!

Yes, Father, we can see them as well.

Hairy Japanese bastards!

Do you know what this is like, Dougal?

It's like some sort of plague, a big rabbit plague.

I wonder if God is punishing us for something.

Maybe it's because I said feck to Bishop Brennan.

God, if he'd send down a plague of rabbits

just because you said feck to Bishop Brennan,

imagine what he'll do when he finds out about all the money

you stole from that charity.

Dougal, Dougal, that money was just resting in my account

before I moved it on.

Ted?

No, it was strictly a nonprofit making

subsidiary account.

Ted?

The bunnies are gone.

The bunnies are gone?

I think they followed Father Jack out of the room.

God, that's amazing.

Mind you, I've always thought Father Jack

gave off a kind of farty smell.

Maybe they think he's some sort of rabbit god.

Great, so if we can just keep Jack out of the way.

But Bishop Brennan is coming to see Jack.

No, we'll have to get rid of them.

Do you know the fellow Paddy Jordan,

works at the greyhound track?

Oh, yes.

Hey listen, I have an idea.

[buzzer sounding]

[banging] - Come on, now!

Get out of it!

Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer

the more conventional greyhound's pursuing

rabbits approach.

Well, it was just a thought.

I'll tell you what.

I'll go and give Tom a call.

He might be able to help us.

Are you coming, Father?

Oh, thanks, no, I've got 10 pounds

riding on that little beauty over there.

Come on, Evan! Come on, Evan!

Come on, Evan!

[buzzer sounding]

TOM (ON SPEAKER): Who's that?

Go away.

Tom, it's just us.

TOM (ON SPEAKER): All right, then.

Come on down.

Tom knows about this type of thing.

He'll help us.

Hello, fellas.

Hello, Tom.

Would you like something to eat?

I can do you up a salad.

No, thanks, some other time.

Well, friend, I believe you have a few rabbits for me.

Yes, they're in the car.

Right, I'll be with you in a moment.

Ted, what's Tom going to do again?

[glass breaking] - I don't know, really.

He just said he'd take them and probably

connect them all together and put them somewhere safe.

All right.

[banging, crashing]

So he's going to look after them?

It's basically a big pen where they can run around

and have a bit of a play.

[revving chain saw]

So there'll be absolutely nothing to worry about.

That puts my mind to rest.

Ah, there he is.

All right, fellas.

Let's get to it.

That's a very impressive sword.

Where exactly are you going to put the rabbits?

In the vise there.

In the vise?

Yeah, I'll show you.

I've been practicing here with this toy one.

First you stun it, right?

Then you put him in the vise.

It's right in there.

Grab his legs there, Father.

Tom, you know the phrase, to take care of something?

Yes, Father.

Well, I realize now that you meant that

in a sort of Al Pacino way, whereas I

was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews.

Oh, don't worry, fella.

They won't feel a thing. - Uh, no.

Come on, fella.

You can have a go yourself if you want.

No, no, Tom.

Honestly, it's a bit cruel.

I could run them down in me van?

Dougal, I think we'd better be off.

What's the problem there, Ted?

Have you nothing I can kill at all?

Sorry about that, Tom.

Feck.

Feck it anyway!

Run, Dougal.

Run quite fast, quite fast!

[AIR WHISTLES AS GOLF CLUB SWINGS]

I'm sure it won't happen again.

It'd better not.

Priests walking about in the nude

is the last thing that we need.

[laughs] Yes.

And as you can see, we have installed a new closed circuit

camera, and we've added a few modifications to Jack's bed.

Ah, yes, yes.

Now this is new, isn't it?

Combined with the spikes, it makes escape almost impossible.

And we also have these new pajamas--

very easy to put on, pretty hard to get off.

So that's the old nudity sorted.

It

And you have the--

Ah, yes, the rope.

I'd like to see him chew through that, again.

Plus, in the unlikely event of him getting out,

we have this tracking device, which would

give us an easy recapture.

That cost 50 pounds.

Maybe we could get that back from the diocese?

Ha ha.

Just joking.

Oh, hello, Len.

Don't call me Len.

I'm a bishop.

Yes, Dougal.

Your grace is more appropriate.

Oh, your grace, right.

Anyway, yet again, I am dragged away

from my warm fireside to come and deal with the cast

of "Police Academy."

[laughs]

You behave yourself now, Jack.

You're listening to me, Jack?

No!

Would you like a drink, your grace?

I'll has a small one, please. Thank you.

Give-- uh--

give--

Bishop, would you like ice with this, a drop of soda?

Get-- take that-- would you!

I'll just get the glasses.

Feck off!

[thud]

Would you like a cup of tea, your grace?

Time for dinny poos.

Oh, thanks very much, Mrs. Doyle.

That'll be--

There you are, Bishop Brennan.

I thought I should tell you your car is parked outside.

Yes, I know it is.

I parked it by myself.

The tires look a bit flat.

I can give them a bit of a blow up for you with the pump.

No!

What kind of air do you normally put in them?

We have ordinary, or--

that's all we have, actually.

And if you're looking for the wipers,

I have them in the kitchen.

What?

They looked like they needed a little wash.

The only trouble is, I broke the side window

when I was snapping them off.

Leave my car alone, and don't touch it again.

Just one question, your grace.

Is your car diesel or petro?

Leave it alone, Mrs. Doyle.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is just curiosity, your grace.

Diesel or-- - Diesel!

Right, so it's not petrol.

No, it's not petrol.

Right.

So it would do a terrible amount of damage if I put petrol in?

Yes, it would.

It would completely ruin the car's engine.

Well, [laughs hysterically] I certainly

won't be doing that then.

[laughs hysterically]

I suppose you must clock up a fair old mileage every year

going around the diocese, you know,

doing the old bishop sort of--

Crilly?

Crilly, where is my room?

Well, yours is the spare room, your grace.

It's the first on the right.

Uh huh.

Yeah, this lettuce--

Oh, no, thanks. I've already had some.

You take it.

No, Crilly, Crilly, Crilly, I mean, this lettuce,

where did it come from?

You don't have rabbits, do you?

No, God, no.

Because you see, I don't like them at all.

I had an experience once with some and it wasn't very nice.

They got into a lift with me, and they started

to nibble at my cape, and--

and everything. It was--

Well, you've absolutely nothing

to worry about, your grace.

No, that's just where we--

where we grow the lettuce.

You grow lettuce indoors in a cage?

Yes, it's safer.

And no one can steal it.

And you know, it brightens up the room.

Uh huh.

Hm.

Um, Crilly, what is this?

That's um, caviar.

Caviar?

Yes, well.

It's not every day we have a bishop around.

So we thought we'd get the caviar out.

Right, so what you have done is you have spread some caviar

down there so I can get down on my hands and knees

and eat off the floor.

Yes.

What do you think I am, Crilly, a pony?

I'm going to my bed.

- Where'd you put them, Dougal? - The bunnies?

A ha ha.

Somewhere really safe, Ted.

Good.

Where-- where would that be?

Guess.

It's almost like the type of place

you wouldn't even think of.

God, I don't know.

Oh, that small room behind the kitchen?

The cold cellar?

I've got it, the shed?

Nope, it's not the shed. Come on, Ted.

Think about it.

Where's the last place you'd think I'd put them?

I suppose the last place I'd think you'd put them would be--

would actually be Bishop Brennan's room,

Bingo!

Think about it, Ted.

I put the bunnies in the last place he'd ever expect

to find them, in his own room.

He'd never look there.

Your grace!

Your grace? Your grace!

Your grace!

Crilly, Crilly, what is it now?

I just wanted to say the whole bishop thing, well played.

Yeah.

I mean, you probably get a lot of this,

but I just wanted to say, you know, well done.

I mean, who'd have thought somebody from Limerick

would get this far?

Well, all the ones you studied with in the seminary, all

the other priests, they must be feeling

pretty sick at the moment.

They must be looking at the TV and going,

God, how did that awful idiot get to be a bishop?

Well, it's no mystery to me, you know.

I've always thought you have a sort

of a bishopy air about you.

I know, I'd just like to say, can I shake your hand?

Well done.

Crilly, come here to me.

I hate you.

So all of that means absolutely nothing to me.

Oh, God, I'm actually falling down the stairs.

[crashes]

Crilly!

What happened?

Would you believe I just fell down the stairs there.

Well, are you-- are you injured?

I don't know.

I have a bit of a twinge, all right.

My arm, I can't move.

Do you want somebody to call an ambulance?

No, I think I'll just lie here for a while.

Rest is probably the best thing for me now, yeah.

Ah, yes, a bit of a rest.

Yeah.

Oh, did you see that documentary last night about Hiroshima?

Who'd have thought an atomic bomb could do so much damage?

I'm going to bed, Crilly.

I'm all right, bishop.

I'm fine now, thanks.

Phew!

DOUGAL: Hey!

Did Len find the rabbits?

What did he say?

I'd better tell you--

Did he call me Len again?

You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

DOUGAL: Sorry, Bishop Len Brennan.

What is he on about now, huh?

God knows.

What are you on about now, Dougal, you big idiot?

DOUGAL: I was just asking did the bishop find the rab--

Shut up, Dougal, you big fat idiot!

Oh, your grace, your grace.

May I go in first?

Why?

I'd just like to go to the toilet.

All the other toilets in the house are broken.

Oh, it's just number one.

I don't want to know!

Oh, I needed that.

But there's no toilet in here.

God, Dougal, where are they?

They're not in there.

Are they not?

No, that is a completely rabbit free area.

Well, I definitely put them in there, Ted.

Wait a minute-- Jack's room.

Maybe they smelled him and had to see him one last time.

I think you might be putting that in a slightly

over romantic way, Dougal, but good guess, come on.

[snoring]

God, Dougal, you're right.

There's loads of them here. How did they get in?

They must have burrowed in.

You know rabbits.

Well, we'll have to do it in shifts.

Get them out of the house and as far away as possible.

Why can't we just leave them here?

Because, Dougal, my nerves are shot.

I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit

left is the one sitting in your head, working the controls.

God, Ted, there's loads more in here.

Look at this one.

Doesn't he look like that fella Harvey Keitel?

Harvey Keitel?

God, Dougal.

How could a rabbit look like-- God almighty!

[snoring] - Spitting image of him.

Anyway, Dougal, we haven't time to think

about things like that. Come on!

Let's get them out. Come on, lads.

Come on.

In here.

[breathing heavily]

Ted, the bunnies are gone.

Oh, God! Where's Jack?

Oh, my God.

Not the bishops room!

Come on, Dougal.

Dougal, get as many as you can. Come on.

All right, Ted.

Come on, lads.

[squeaking]

Mind that one under your foot.

[bishop talking in his sleep] Uh.

Just a bad dream, your grace.

Over in the morning.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks.

Ahhhh!

[music - theme, "father ted"]