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1
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[music - theme, "father ted"]
2
00:00:12,919 --> 00:00:13,800
Ted!
Ted!
3
00:00:13,919 --> 00:00:14,720
Quick!
4
00:00:14,839 --> 00:00:17,280
It's Father Ben!
5
00:00:17,399 --> 00:00:18,199
Oh, great!
6
00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:19,079
I love this.
7
00:00:24,679 --> 00:00:25,879
God, Ben.
8
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,199
I'm such an idiot.
9
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I put the shorts on me head.
10
00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:32,439
God almighty, Brendan.
11
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,960
You really are a big fool.
12
00:00:36,079 --> 00:00:39,799
This is really
top notch stuff.
13
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:40,719
That Brendan's an idiot.
14
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,799
God, I know someone just
like Ben, big pickle.
15
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:16,519
[BOMB FALLING, WHISTLING THROUGH
AIR]
16
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[explosion]
17
00:01:23,079 --> 00:01:25,280
Come on, you
two, nearly there.
18
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,879
It's a bit creepy, isn't it?
19
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,359
Oh, for goodness sake, Jane.
20
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,439
There's nothing out here
that could possibly harm.
21
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:43,120
[screams]
22
00:01:43,239 --> 00:01:44,640
There he is, now, anywhere.
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00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:46,439
- He's great, isn't he?
- He is, all right.
24
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:47,400
Does he have a name?
25
00:01:47,519 --> 00:01:48,959
No, I don't think so.
26
00:01:49,079 --> 00:01:50,239
The woman in the pet shop
didn't mention one, anyway.
27
00:01:50,359 --> 00:01:53,200
It Oh, I don't know.
28
00:01:53,319 --> 00:01:55,120
How about Ted?
29
00:01:55,239 --> 00:01:56,519
That's a good name for a rabbit.
30
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,359
No, I don't think that's
a good idea, Dougal.
31
00:01:58,480 --> 00:01:59,879
You're forgetting I'm
called Ted as well.
32
00:02:03,319 --> 00:02:05,319
I could call you Father Ted.
33
00:02:05,439 --> 00:02:08,319
No, seriously, Dougal, you'd
have to come up with something
34
00:02:08,439 --> 00:02:10,360
a bit more original.
[door closes]
35
00:02:10,479 --> 00:02:11,319
Hello, Fathers.
36
00:02:11,439 --> 00:02:12,800
[in unison] Hello, Mrs. Doyle.
37
00:02:16,199 --> 00:02:19,280
How about Mrs. Doyle?
38
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,599
Mrs. Doyle is not a
good name for a rabbit.
39
00:02:21,719 --> 00:02:24,039
You need something
like Popsie or Bruce.
40
00:02:24,159 --> 00:02:25,479
All right.
41
00:02:25,599 --> 00:02:26,879
Wait, I've got one.
42
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,479
You see the way he's got
big floppy ears there,
43
00:02:28,599 --> 00:02:29,879
flopping all over the place.
44
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,280
Yeah?
45
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,800
Well, why don't we call
him Father Jack Hackett?
46
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,280
Perfect, Father Jack it is.
47
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:38,240
What?
48
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:39,520
Nothing Father.
49
00:02:39,639 --> 00:02:40,719
Dougal's named his
new rabbit after you.
50
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:41,879
What?
51
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,439
Are you all
right, Father Jack?
52
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:44,599
What?
53
00:02:44,719 --> 00:02:45,879
He's not talking
to you, Father.
54
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,159
He's talking to the rabbit.
55
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:48,319
What?
56
00:02:48,439 --> 00:02:49,960
I think Father
Jack wants a drink.
57
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:51,439
Drink, drink!
58
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,159
Maybe we could give him water.
59
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:54,080
Water?
60
00:02:54,199 --> 00:02:55,919
Feck!
61
00:02:56,039 --> 00:02:58,000
Dougal, this is getting
far too confusing.
62
00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:00,280
Oh, Ted, I've got used
to calling him Father Jack.
63
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,879
Can we not call Father
Jack something else?
64
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:03,759
Great.
65
00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:05,120
What do we call him?
66
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,680
Flipper, Flipper the priest.
67
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,199
Yes?
68
00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:11,599
Dougal, this is
not going to work.
69
00:03:11,719 --> 00:03:15,479
[telephone ringing]
70
00:03:15,599 --> 00:03:16,439
Hello?
71
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:17,639
Father Ted Crilly speaking.
72
00:03:17,759 --> 00:03:19,240
Crilly, it's me,
Bishop Brennan.
73
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:20,159
Oh, feck!
74
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,280
What?
75
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,439
Who is this?
76
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,120
There is no Crilly here.
77
00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:33,120
God, Dougal, I'm just left
saying feck to Bishop Brennan.
78
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:35,080
Oh, he won't like that, Ted.
79
00:03:35,199 --> 00:03:36,360
Maybe it's all right, though.
80
00:03:36,479 --> 00:03:38,039
I put on a foreign
voice so he'll think
81
00:03:38,159 --> 00:03:38,919
he dialed the wrong number.
82
00:03:39,039 --> 00:03:42,919
[telephong ringing]
83
00:03:43,039 --> 00:03:43,919
Crilly.
84
00:03:44,039 --> 00:03:46,280
Ah, hello Bishop Brennan.
85
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,560
I think you've got the wrong
number when you called there.
86
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:50,639
Shut up, Crilly.
87
00:03:50,759 --> 00:03:51,520
Shut up.
88
00:03:51,639 --> 00:03:53,520
I'll make this quick.
89
00:03:53,639 --> 00:03:56,960
What would the following
words suggest to you?
90
00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:02,639
Jack sleepwalking
and bollock naked?
91
00:04:02,759 --> 00:04:04,120
Oh, no.
92
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,879
Now this is the third
time in the last six months.
93
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,639
You may have heard
of Brian Noonan,
94
00:04:08,759 --> 00:04:11,240
hm, a very important
junior minister
95
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:12,680
and a personal friend of mine.
96
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,280
And I can tell you the last
thing he and his family
97
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:19,160
needs to see is the vision
of an elderly priest wearing
98
00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:22,079
only a pair of socks and a hat.
99
00:04:22,199 --> 00:04:23,879
Now I'll be around on
Thursday to examine
100
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,399
the security arrangements.
101
00:04:25,519 --> 00:04:26,399
And Crilly?
102
00:04:26,519 --> 00:04:27,839
Yes?
103
00:04:27,959 --> 00:04:31,279
If you ever try to
bullshit me like that again,
104
00:04:31,399 --> 00:04:33,120
I will rip off your arms.
105
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,079
Bishop Brennan's
coming over to have
106
00:04:40,199 --> 00:04:42,959
a word with you, Father,
about your nude sleepwalking.
107
00:04:43,079 --> 00:04:46,079
Nudy Father Jack.
108
00:04:46,199 --> 00:04:48,040
Can you think of any reason
why you might be doing that?
109
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,360
You're not having any doubts
about your vocation, are you?
110
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:55,720
What?
111
00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:57,240
You can always share
your problems with us.
112
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:58,920
Father Dougal and I will
always lend you a friendly ear.
113
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,160
Isn't that right, Dougal?
114
00:05:00,279 --> 00:05:02,040
Absolutely.
115
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,639
Do you want to
talk about it now?
116
00:05:04,759 --> 00:05:06,279
Well, Ted, Byker Grove.
117
00:05:06,399 --> 00:05:08,240
Oh, God, yes,
after Byker Grove.
118
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:15,480
Go on.
119
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,720
Go on, boy, fetch.
120
00:05:18,839 --> 00:05:20,480
Come on, now, Dougy,
get him into his cage.
121
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:21,879
Or do you want Bishop
Brennan seeing him?
122
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,240
Ah, Ted, he might like him.
123
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:24,279
No, he wouldn't like him.
124
00:05:24,399 --> 00:05:25,639
He doesn't like rabbits at all.
125
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,240
Why not?
126
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,199
Strange story-- about 10
years ago, he was in New York,
127
00:05:29,319 --> 00:05:30,480
and he got trapped
in a lift with about
128
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,160
20 rabbits for the whole night.
129
00:05:32,279 --> 00:05:34,759
They started nibbling
his cape and everything.
130
00:05:34,879 --> 00:05:36,279
- How did they get in?
- I don't know.
131
00:05:36,399 --> 00:05:38,079
I suppose they must have
burrowed in, you know, rabbits.
132
00:05:40,839 --> 00:05:42,399
God, he can move fast
enough, can't he?
133
00:05:42,519 --> 00:05:43,920
Why do you say that, Ted?
134
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,160
Well, he just shoved
across the floor to me there.
135
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:48,560
Wait!
136
00:05:51,959 --> 00:05:52,839
That's your rabbit.
137
00:05:52,959 --> 00:05:54,000
Yeah.
138
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,279
So where did
this one come from?
139
00:05:56,399 --> 00:06:00,759
Uh, Ted, there's another
one on Jack's head.
140
00:06:00,879 --> 00:06:02,319
You make sure your
rabbit doesn't get
141
00:06:02,439 --> 00:06:03,439
mixed up with these other lads.
142
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:04,360
All right.
143
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:06,240
Come on, Sampras.
144
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:07,839
What did you call him?
145
00:06:07,959 --> 00:06:10,120
Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
146
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,399
Why?
147
00:06:11,519 --> 00:06:12,879
Well, you know,
rabbits, tennis, you know,
148
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:13,920
that whole connection there.
149
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,639
All right.
150
00:06:18,759 --> 00:06:20,560
Anyhow, we'll just release
these spare ones into the wild.
151
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,199
OK?
152
00:06:22,319 --> 00:06:23,480
Ah, look at him there on his
own without any other rabbits
153
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:24,959
for company.
Hm.
154
00:06:25,079 --> 00:06:26,519
It must feel like Brian
Keenan after they took John
155
00:06:26,639 --> 00:06:29,199
McCarthy away to another cell.
156
00:06:29,319 --> 00:06:30,639
Anyway, he'll get used to it.
157
00:06:43,199 --> 00:06:48,079
Morning, Father--
bills, bills, more bills.
158
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,000
Morning, Ted.
159
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,000
Morning, Dougal.
160
00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:56,519
What'll we do today?
161
00:06:56,639 --> 00:06:58,079
We'll have to get that
rabbit of yours out of the way
162
00:06:58,199 --> 00:06:59,759
before Bishop
Brennan comes over.
163
00:06:59,879 --> 00:07:01,000
He'll go mad if
he thought there's
164
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:02,240
rabbits around the place.
165
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:03,399
Right, fair enough.
166
00:07:03,519 --> 00:07:04,920
I hope he's in a good mood.
167
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:07,839
Len can be very scary
you know, when--
168
00:07:07,959 --> 00:07:09,199
when-- Come on!
169
00:07:13,079 --> 00:07:14,360
What's wrong, Ted?
170
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:15,600
- Rabbits!
- Rabbits?
171
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:16,519
Where?
Oh, wow.
172
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,439
Where the hell did
these ones come from?
173
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,199
God, it's like a big
rabbit rock festival.
174
00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:27,800
Well, I suppose we just
have to get used to it.
175
00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:29,319
Get used to it?
176
00:07:29,439 --> 00:07:30,600
We'll have to get them out
of here before he arrives.
177
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:31,839
I'll ring the pet shop.
178
00:07:31,959 --> 00:07:33,879
No, Ted, it was a
traveling pet shop.
179
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:34,920
They won't be back till spring.
180
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:40,480
What are we going to do?
181
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,639
Now, now there is actually
something we can do, Ted.
182
00:07:42,759 --> 00:07:43,959
If we-- now, let me see now.
183
00:07:44,079 --> 00:07:45,439
Just wait a second there.
184
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:48,279
I know, I know, I've
got it, Ted, right now.
185
00:07:48,399 --> 00:07:50,600
Now the way I see it is, if we--
186
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,480
now wait a second.
187
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:53,519
What's the problem again?
188
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:56,120
The rabbits!
189
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:57,120
Yes, Ted, yes, yes.
190
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,040
Sorry about that.
191
00:07:58,160 --> 00:07:59,399
I know exactly what to do.
192
00:07:59,519 --> 00:08:01,360
Why don't we give them
to Father Larry Duff?
193
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,040
You're right.
194
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:04,519
He's always going on about how
he'd love to have a few rabbits
195
00:08:04,639 --> 00:08:05,839
running around the place.
196
00:08:05,959 --> 00:08:08,040
I used think it was
just a mad thing to say.
197
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,399
[dialing]
198
00:08:10,519 --> 00:08:12,720
[telephone ringing]
199
00:08:12,839 --> 00:08:13,680
Hello, Larry?
200
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,120
Why hello, Ted.
201
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,600
How is it hanging?
202
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,240
It's hanging fine, Larry.
203
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:19,680
Listen, I've got a
bit of a problem here.
204
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,160
You remember you were
looking for a few rabbits
205
00:08:21,279 --> 00:08:22,160
around the place?
206
00:08:22,279 --> 00:08:23,399
Oh, I do, Ted.
207
00:08:23,519 --> 00:08:25,680
That's one of my
all time fantasies.
208
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,560
I'd love to have a
few hundred rabbits
209
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,560
running all over the place.
210
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,279
Well, today's your lucky day.
211
00:08:31,399 --> 00:08:32,559
We've got loads of the things.
212
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,000
Oh, I'm sorry, Ted.
213
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,039
I won't be able to take them.
214
00:08:36,159 --> 00:08:37,279
Why not, Larry?
215
00:08:37,399 --> 00:08:39,440
I sort of gave up
on the rabbits idea.
216
00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:42,399
Well, it just seemed
too far fetched.
217
00:08:42,519 --> 00:08:44,200
So I've got 12
rottweilers instead.
218
00:08:46,919 --> 00:08:49,639
I'd take the rabbits, only
I'd be afraid the rottweilers
219
00:08:49,759 --> 00:08:51,919
might upset them, you know.
220
00:08:52,039 --> 00:08:53,519
Yes, Larry, I understand.
221
00:08:53,639 --> 00:08:54,519
Bye.
222
00:08:54,639 --> 00:08:56,840
Bye, Ted.
223
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,720
Oh, you're a bad dog.
224
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,039
Don't you look at me like that.
225
00:09:01,159 --> 00:09:02,000
[dog growling]
226
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,440
You've been a very bad dog.
227
00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:05,360
[dog growling]
228
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:06,240
Ahh!
229
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:09,639
He can't take the rabbits.
230
00:09:09,759 --> 00:09:11,200
He's got 12 rottweilers.
231
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,360
Hey, hey, hey, you!
232
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:14,600
Yes, Father?
233
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:17,679
[can't get the words out]
Rr ss pfft--
234
00:09:17,799 --> 00:09:20,039
rats!
235
00:09:20,159 --> 00:09:22,039
Yes, Father, we
can see them as well.
236
00:09:22,159 --> 00:09:25,320
Hairy Japanese bastards!
237
00:09:30,399 --> 00:09:31,919
Do you know what
this is like, Dougal?
238
00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:35,200
It's like some sort of
plague, a big rabbit plague.
239
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,159
I wonder if God is
punishing us for something.
240
00:09:37,279 --> 00:09:40,360
Maybe it's because I said
feck to Bishop Brennan.
241
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:41,840
God, if he'd send
down a plague of rabbits
242
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,519
just because you said
feck to Bishop Brennan,
243
00:09:43,639 --> 00:09:45,440
imagine what he'll do when he
finds out about all the money
244
00:09:45,559 --> 00:09:47,879
you stole from that charity.
245
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,320
Dougal, Dougal, that money
was just resting in my account
246
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:51,240
before I moved it on.
247
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:52,480
Ted?
248
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:53,559
No, it was strictly
a nonprofit making
249
00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:54,440
subsidiary account.
250
00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:55,360
Ted?
251
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:56,440
The bunnies are gone.
252
00:09:56,559 --> 00:09:58,200
The bunnies are gone?
253
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,519
I think they followed
Father Jack out of the room.
254
00:10:00,639 --> 00:10:02,120
God, that's amazing.
255
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:03,720
Mind you, I've always
thought Father Jack
256
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,799
gave off a kind of farty smell.
257
00:10:05,919 --> 00:10:07,919
Maybe they think he's
some sort of rabbit god.
258
00:10:08,039 --> 00:10:10,519
Great, so if we can just
keep Jack out of the way.
259
00:10:10,639 --> 00:10:12,720
But Bishop Brennan
is coming to see Jack.
260
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:15,399
No, we'll have to
get rid of them.
261
00:10:15,519 --> 00:10:17,080
Do you know the
fellow Paddy Jordan,
262
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,440
works at the greyhound track?
263
00:10:18,559 --> 00:10:20,200
Oh, yes.
264
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,120
Hey listen, I have an idea.
265
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:36,360
[buzzer sounding]
266
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:37,720
[banging]
- Come on, now!
267
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:38,720
Get out of it!
268
00:10:41,799 --> 00:10:43,279
Call me old-fashioned,
but I prefer
269
00:10:43,399 --> 00:10:45,399
the more conventional
greyhound's pursuing
270
00:10:45,519 --> 00:10:46,679
rabbits approach.
271
00:10:46,799 --> 00:10:47,960
Well, it was just a thought.
272
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:48,919
I'll tell you what.
273
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:50,279
I'll go and give Tom a call.
274
00:10:50,399 --> 00:10:51,679
He might be able to help us.
275
00:10:51,799 --> 00:10:52,960
Are you coming, Father?
276
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:54,200
Oh, thanks, no,
I've got 10 pounds
277
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,000
riding on that little
beauty over there.
278
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:57,120
Come on, Evan!
Come on, Evan!
279
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,039
Come on, Evan!
280
00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:03,879
[buzzer sounding]
281
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,360
TOM (ON SPEAKER): Who's that?
282
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:06,840
Go away.
283
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,120
Tom, it's just us.
284
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,279
TOM (ON SPEAKER):
All right, then.
285
00:11:09,399 --> 00:11:11,080
Come on down.
286
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:12,320
Tom knows about
this type of thing.
287
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:13,200
He'll help us.
288
00:11:17,639 --> 00:11:18,399
Hello, fellas.
289
00:11:18,519 --> 00:11:19,679
Hello, Tom.
290
00:11:19,799 --> 00:11:20,759
Would you like something to eat?
291
00:11:20,879 --> 00:11:22,679
I can do you up a salad.
292
00:11:22,799 --> 00:11:24,240
No, thanks, some other time.
293
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,039
Well, friend, I believe you
have a few rabbits for me.
294
00:11:26,159 --> 00:11:27,240
Yes, they're in the car.
295
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:28,120
Right, I'll be
with you in a moment.
296
00:11:31,519 --> 00:11:32,639
Ted, what's Tom
going to do again?
297
00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:33,919
[glass breaking]
- I don't know, really.
298
00:11:34,039 --> 00:11:35,720
He just said he'd
take them and probably
299
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,759
connect them all together
and put them somewhere safe.
300
00:11:37,879 --> 00:11:38,639
All right.
301
00:11:38,759 --> 00:11:39,759
[banging, crashing]
302
00:11:39,879 --> 00:11:42,240
So he's going to
look after them?
303
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,639
It's basically a big pen
where they can run around
304
00:11:44,759 --> 00:11:45,639
and have a bit of a play.
305
00:11:45,759 --> 00:11:48,120
[revving chain saw]
306
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,679
So there'll be absolutely
nothing to worry about.
307
00:11:57,799 --> 00:12:00,320
That puts my mind to rest.
308
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:01,559
Ah, there he is.
309
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:02,879
All right, fellas.
310
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:03,960
Let's get to it.
311
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,320
That's a very
impressive sword.
312
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,159
Where exactly are you
going to put the rabbits?
313
00:12:08,279 --> 00:12:11,039
In the vise there.
314
00:12:11,159 --> 00:12:12,120
In the vise?
315
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:13,440
Yeah, I'll show you.
316
00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:15,600
I've been practicing
here with this toy one.
317
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,320
First you stun it, right?
318
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:21,759
Then you put him in the vise.
319
00:12:21,879 --> 00:12:22,720
It's right in there.
320
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,720
Grab his legs there, Father.
321
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:29,279
Tom, you know the phrase,
to take care of something?
322
00:12:29,399 --> 00:12:30,559
Yes, Father.
323
00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:32,399
Well, I realize now
that you meant that
324
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:35,519
in a sort of Al
Pacino way, whereas I
325
00:12:35,639 --> 00:12:37,759
was thinking more along
the lines of Julie Andrews.
326
00:12:37,879 --> 00:12:39,000
Oh, don't worry, fella.
327
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:40,200
They won't feel a thing.
- Uh, no.
328
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:41,480
Come on, fella.
329
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:42,240
You can have a go
yourself if you want.
330
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:43,200
No, no, Tom.
331
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,519
Honestly, it's a bit cruel.
332
00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:48,039
I could run them
down in me van?
333
00:12:48,159 --> 00:12:49,759
Dougal, I think
we'd better be off.
334
00:12:49,879 --> 00:12:50,960
What's the problem there, Ted?
335
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,799
Have you nothing
I can kill at all?
336
00:12:52,919 --> 00:12:54,960
Sorry about that, Tom.
337
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:56,080
Feck.
338
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:57,000
Feck it anyway!
339
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:57,960
Run, Dougal.
340
00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,200
Run quite fast, quite fast!
341
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:08,080
[AIR WHISTLES AS GOLF CLUB
SWINGS]
342
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,840
I'm sure it
won't happen again.
343
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,279
It'd better not.
344
00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:13,480
Priests walking
about in the nude
345
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,360
is the last thing that we need.
346
00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:18,840
[laughs] Yes.
347
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,759
And as you can see, we have
installed a new closed circuit
348
00:13:21,879 --> 00:13:25,039
camera, and we've added a few
modifications to Jack's bed.
349
00:13:28,519 --> 00:13:30,000
Ah, yes, yes.
350
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,519
Now this is new, isn't it?
351
00:13:32,639 --> 00:13:36,000
Combined with the spikes, it
makes escape almost impossible.
352
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,480
And we also have
these new pajamas--
353
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,879
very easy to put on,
pretty hard to get off.
354
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,120
So that's the old nudity sorted.
355
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:42,000
It
356
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,440
And you have the--
357
00:13:43,559 --> 00:13:46,320
Ah, yes, the rope.
358
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:50,320
I'd like to see him chew
through that, again.
359
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,279
Plus, in the unlikely
event of him getting out,
360
00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:56,840
we have this tracking
device, which would
361
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,240
give us an easy recapture.
362
00:13:58,360 --> 00:13:59,879
That cost 50 pounds.
363
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,759
Maybe we could get that
back from the diocese?
364
00:14:01,879 --> 00:14:02,639
Ha ha.
365
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,039
Just joking.
366
00:14:04,159 --> 00:14:05,159
Oh, hello, Len.
367
00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:06,039
Don't call me Len.
368
00:14:06,159 --> 00:14:07,000
I'm a bishop.
369
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:08,000
Yes, Dougal.
370
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:09,279
Your grace is more appropriate.
371
00:14:09,399 --> 00:14:10,840
Oh, your grace, right.
372
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:15,639
Anyway, yet again,
I am dragged away
373
00:14:15,759 --> 00:14:18,399
from my warm fireside to
come and deal with the cast
374
00:14:18,519 --> 00:14:19,679
of "Police Academy."
375
00:14:19,799 --> 00:14:21,799
[laughs]
376
00:14:21,919 --> 00:14:23,480
You behave yourself now, Jack.
377
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:24,480
You're listening to me, Jack?
378
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,519
No!
379
00:14:26,639 --> 00:14:27,799
Would you like a
drink, your grace?
380
00:14:27,919 --> 00:14:29,240
I'll has a small one, please.
Thank you.
381
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,679
Give-- uh--
382
00:14:30,799 --> 00:14:33,120
give--
383
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,320
Bishop, would you like ice
with this, a drop of soda?
384
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,360
Get-- take that-- would you!
385
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,240
I'll just get the glasses.
386
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:42,200
Feck off!
387
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,639
[thud]
388
00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:46,679
Would you like a cup
of tea, your grace?
389
00:14:46,799 --> 00:14:48,840
Time for dinny poos.
390
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,679
Oh, thanks very
much, Mrs. Doyle.
391
00:14:50,799 --> 00:14:51,600
That'll be--
392
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,879
There you are, Bishop Brennan.
393
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,600
I thought I should tell you
your car is parked outside.
394
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:03,480
Yes, I know it is.
395
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,399
I parked it by myself.
396
00:15:05,519 --> 00:15:07,000
The tires look a bit flat.
397
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:08,759
I can give them a bit of a
blow up for you with the pump.
398
00:15:08,879 --> 00:15:10,159
No!
399
00:15:10,279 --> 00:15:11,960
What kind of air do
you normally put in them?
400
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,480
We have ordinary, or--
401
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,360
that's all we have, actually.
402
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:17,720
And if you're looking
for the wipers,
403
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:18,799
I have them in the kitchen.
404
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:20,159
What?
405
00:15:20,279 --> 00:15:23,000
They looked like they
needed a little wash.
406
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,559
The only trouble is, I
broke the side window
407
00:15:25,679 --> 00:15:28,039
when I was snapping them off.
408
00:15:28,159 --> 00:15:30,679
Leave my car alone,
and don't touch it again.
409
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:33,159
Just one question, your grace.
410
00:15:33,279 --> 00:15:35,080
Is your car diesel or petro?
411
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,120
Leave it alone, Mrs. Doyle.
412
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,279
No, no, no, no, no.
413
00:15:38,399 --> 00:15:40,320
This is just
curiosity, your grace.
414
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,360
Diesel or--
- Diesel!
415
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:43,879
Right, so it's not petrol.
416
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:44,879
No, it's not petrol.
417
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,559
Right.
418
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:48,720
So it would do a terrible amount
of damage if I put petrol in?
419
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,039
Yes, it would.
420
00:15:50,159 --> 00:15:51,600
It would completely
ruin the car's engine.
421
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:55,080
Well, [laughs hysterically]
I certainly
422
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,759
won't be doing that then.
423
00:15:56,879 --> 00:16:01,000
[laughs hysterically]
424
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:03,519
I suppose you must clock up
a fair old mileage every year
425
00:16:03,639 --> 00:16:06,320
going around the
diocese, you know,
426
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,120
doing the old bishop sort of--
427
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:09,000
Crilly?
428
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,440
Crilly, where is my room?
429
00:16:12,559 --> 00:16:14,960
Well, yours is the
spare room, your grace.
430
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,039
It's the first on the right.
431
00:16:16,159 --> 00:16:18,399
Uh huh.
432
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:21,240
Yeah, this lettuce--
433
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,279
Oh, no, thanks.
I've already had some.
434
00:16:25,399 --> 00:16:26,759
You take it.
435
00:16:26,879 --> 00:16:28,840
No, Crilly, Crilly,
Crilly, I mean, this lettuce,
436
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,519
where did it come from?
437
00:16:31,639 --> 00:16:32,960
You don't have rabbits, do you?
438
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,320
No, God, no.
439
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,000
Because you see, I
don't like them at all.
440
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,120
I had an experience once with
some and it wasn't very nice.
441
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:39,639
They got into a lift
with me, and they started
442
00:16:39,759 --> 00:16:41,120
to nibble at my cape, and--
443
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,480
and everything.
It was--
444
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:43,559
Well, you've
absolutely nothing
445
00:16:43,679 --> 00:16:44,960
to worry about, your grace.
446
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,720
No, that's just where we--
447
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,159
where we grow the lettuce.
448
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:56,720
You grow lettuce
indoors in a cage?
449
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:57,639
Yes, it's safer.
450
00:16:57,759 --> 00:16:59,639
And no one can steal it.
451
00:16:59,759 --> 00:17:03,320
And you know, it
brightens up the room.
452
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,279
Uh huh.
453
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:05,720
Hm.
454
00:17:05,839 --> 00:17:08,440
Um, Crilly, what is this?
455
00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:14,519
That's um, caviar.
456
00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:19,839
Caviar?
457
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,200
Yes, well.
458
00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:22,519
It's not every day we
have a bishop around.
459
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,920
So we thought we'd
get the caviar out.
460
00:17:25,039 --> 00:17:27,440
Right, so what you have done
is you have spread some caviar
461
00:17:27,559 --> 00:17:29,720
down there so I can get
down on my hands and knees
462
00:17:29,839 --> 00:17:32,559
and eat off the floor.
463
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,240
Yes.
464
00:17:34,359 --> 00:17:36,640
What do you think
I am, Crilly, a pony?
465
00:17:36,759 --> 00:17:37,759
I'm going to my bed.
466
00:17:41,559 --> 00:17:44,000
- Where'd you put them, Dougal?
- The bunnies?
467
00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:45,759
A ha ha.
468
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,240
Somewhere really safe, Ted.
469
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:50,039
Good.
470
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,599
Where-- where would that be?
471
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:52,680
Guess.
472
00:17:52,799 --> 00:17:53,799
It's almost like
the type of place
473
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:54,839
you wouldn't even think of.
474
00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:00,039
God, I don't know.
475
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,200
Oh, that small room
behind the kitchen?
476
00:18:03,319 --> 00:18:05,400
The cold cellar?
477
00:18:05,519 --> 00:18:06,920
I've got it, the shed?
478
00:18:07,039 --> 00:18:08,480
Nope, it's not the shed.
Come on, Ted.
479
00:18:08,599 --> 00:18:09,920
Think about it.
480
00:18:10,039 --> 00:18:13,640
Where's the last place
you'd think I'd put them?
481
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:19,799
I suppose the last place I'd
think you'd put them would be--
482
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,960
would actually be
Bishop Brennan's room,
483
00:18:24,079 --> 00:18:25,920
Bingo!
484
00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:27,400
Think about it, Ted.
485
00:18:27,519 --> 00:18:29,640
I put the bunnies in the
last place he'd ever expect
486
00:18:29,759 --> 00:18:30,839
to find them, in his own room.
487
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:31,839
He'd never look there.
488
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:38,960
Your grace!
489
00:18:39,079 --> 00:18:40,599
Your grace?
Your grace!
490
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:41,640
Your grace!
491
00:18:41,759 --> 00:18:43,559
Crilly, Crilly,
what is it now?
492
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,839
I just wanted to say the
whole bishop thing, well played.
493
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,079
Yeah.
494
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,480
I mean, you probably
get a lot of this,
495
00:18:48,599 --> 00:18:50,079
but I just wanted to
say, you know, well done.
496
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,720
I mean, who'd have thought
somebody from Limerick
497
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,839
would get this far?
498
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,119
Well, all the ones you studied
with in the seminary, all
499
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,440
the other priests,
they must be feeling
500
00:18:57,559 --> 00:18:58,720
pretty sick at the moment.
501
00:18:58,839 --> 00:19:00,400
They must be looking
at the TV and going,
502
00:19:00,519 --> 00:19:02,559
God, how did that awful
idiot get to be a bishop?
503
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:03,839
Well, it's no mystery
to me, you know.
504
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,000
I've always thought
you have a sort
505
00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:07,119
of a bishopy air about you.
506
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:11,039
I know, I'd just like to
say, can I shake your hand?
507
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,960
Well done.
508
00:19:13,079 --> 00:19:15,599
Crilly, come here to me.
509
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,200
I hate you.
510
00:19:18,319 --> 00:19:20,960
So all of that means
absolutely nothing to me.
511
00:19:24,039 --> 00:19:27,839
Oh, God, I'm actually
falling down the stairs.
512
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,279
[crashes]
513
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,240
Crilly!
514
00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:32,799
What happened?
515
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,160
Would you believe I just
fell down the stairs there.
516
00:19:35,279 --> 00:19:36,960
Well, are you-- are you injured?
517
00:19:37,079 --> 00:19:38,160
I don't know.
518
00:19:38,279 --> 00:19:39,519
I have a bit of a
twinge, all right.
519
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,039
My arm, I can't move.
520
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,920
Do you want somebody
to call an ambulance?
521
00:19:44,039 --> 00:19:45,880
No, I think I'll just
lie here for a while.
522
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,000
Rest is probably the best
thing for me now, yeah.
523
00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:49,000
Ah, yes, a bit of a rest.
524
00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:50,640
Yeah.
525
00:19:50,759 --> 00:19:52,839
Oh, did you see that documentary
last night about Hiroshima?
526
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:56,200
Who'd have thought an atomic
bomb could do so much damage?
527
00:19:56,319 --> 00:19:57,480
I'm going to bed, Crilly.
528
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:02,759
I'm all right, bishop.
529
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:03,880
I'm fine now, thanks.
530
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,279
Phew!
531
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:06,200
DOUGAL: Hey!
532
00:20:06,319 --> 00:20:10,599
Did Len find the rabbits?
533
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,480
What did he say?
534
00:20:12,599 --> 00:20:13,440
I'd better tell you--
535
00:20:13,559 --> 00:20:15,000
Did he call me Len again?
536
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,160
You address me by my proper
title, you little bollocks!
537
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,440
DOUGAL: Sorry,
Bishop Len Brennan.
538
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,000
What is he on about now, huh?
539
00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:29,440
God knows.
540
00:20:29,559 --> 00:20:31,039
What are you on about now,
Dougal, you big idiot?
541
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,119
DOUGAL: I was just asking
did the bishop find the rab--
542
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,599
Shut up, Dougal,
you big fat idiot!
543
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,000
Oh, your grace, your grace.
544
00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:39,160
May I go in first?
545
00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:40,359
Why?
546
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:41,720
I'd just like to
go to the toilet.
547
00:20:41,839 --> 00:20:43,960
All the other toilets
in the house are broken.
548
00:20:44,079 --> 00:20:45,240
Oh, it's just number one.
549
00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:46,680
I don't want to know!
550
00:20:55,599 --> 00:20:56,519
Oh, I needed that.
551
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,000
But there's no toilet in here.
552
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:11,559
God, Dougal, where are they?
553
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:12,440
They're not in there.
554
00:21:12,559 --> 00:21:13,799
Are they not?
555
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:15,519
No, that is a completely
rabbit free area.
556
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,920
Well, I definitely
put them in there, Ted.
557
00:21:18,039 --> 00:21:19,519
Wait a minute-- Jack's room.
558
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:21,880
Maybe they smelled him and
had to see him one last time.
559
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,519
I think you might be
putting that in a slightly
560
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:28,200
over romantic way, Dougal,
but good guess, come on.
561
00:21:28,319 --> 00:21:29,160
[snoring]
562
00:21:29,279 --> 00:21:30,599
God, Dougal, you're right.
563
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,599
There's loads of them here.
How did they get in?
564
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:33,799
They must have burrowed in.
565
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,119
You know rabbits.
566
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:37,680
Well, we'll have
to do it in shifts.
567
00:21:37,799 --> 00:21:39,400
Get them out of the house
and as far away as possible.
568
00:21:39,519 --> 00:21:41,079
Why can't we just
leave them here?
569
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,880
Because, Dougal,
my nerves are shot.
570
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,519
I won't be able to relax
until the only rabbit
571
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,400
left is the one sitting in your
head, working the controls.
572
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,359
God, Ted, there's
loads more in here.
573
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:53,759
Look at this one.
574
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:57,160
Doesn't he look like
that fella Harvey Keitel?
575
00:21:57,279 --> 00:21:58,119
Harvey Keitel?
576
00:21:58,240 --> 00:21:59,480
God, Dougal.
577
00:21:59,599 --> 00:22:00,599
How could a rabbit look like--
God almighty!
578
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,480
[snoring]
- Spitting image of him.
579
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:07,079
Anyway, Dougal, we
haven't time to think
580
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,599
about things like that.
Come on!
581
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,279
Let's get them out.
Come on, lads.
582
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:12,160
Come on.
583
00:22:12,279 --> 00:22:13,079
In here.
584
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,039
[breathing heavily]
585
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,000
Ted, the bunnies are gone.
586
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:32,599
Oh, God!
Where's Jack?
587
00:22:36,279 --> 00:22:38,079
Oh, my God.
588
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,160
Not the bishops room!
589
00:22:39,279 --> 00:22:41,559
Come on, Dougal.
590
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:43,000
Dougal, get as many as you can.
Come on.
591
00:22:43,119 --> 00:22:43,920
All right, Ted.
592
00:22:44,039 --> 00:22:44,960
Come on, lads.
593
00:22:45,079 --> 00:22:45,960
[squeaking]
594
00:22:46,079 --> 00:22:47,279
Mind that one under your foot.
595
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,039
[bishop talking in his sleep]
Uh.
596
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,359
Just a bad dream, your grace.
597
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:11,559
Over in the morning.
598
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:12,480
Oh, thanks.
599
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:13,359
Thanks.
600
00:23:15,279 --> 00:23:16,079
Ahhhh!
601
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,400
[music - theme, "father ted"]
41121
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