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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,720 [music playing] 2 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:33,520 [propeller sounds] 3 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:37,520 [explosion] 4 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,280 Dee de de de. 5 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,280 La, la la, la. 6 00:00:46,399 --> 00:00:49,679 Dee dee de di dee di dee-- 7 00:00:49,799 --> 00:00:51,439 Ted, have you seen my record collection? 8 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:52,520 Your record collection? 9 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:53,640 Yeah. 10 00:00:53,759 --> 00:00:54,920 Here it is. 11 00:00:55,039 --> 00:00:58,000 And Dougal, you need more than one record 12 00:00:58,119 --> 00:00:59,399 to have a collection. 13 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,159 What you have is a record. 14 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,079 [laughter] 15 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:03,000 All right. 16 00:01:03,119 --> 00:01:04,040 Yeah. 17 00:01:04,159 --> 00:01:09,159 La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. 18 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:12,920 Da, da, da, da, da, da, dum-- 19 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:17,680 You know, you have a beautiful voice, Father. 20 00:01:17,799 --> 00:01:18,879 No, I don't really. 21 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,079 No, you do. 22 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:21,359 It's gorgeous. 23 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,280 [laughter] 24 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,560 Thanks very much. 25 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:25,079 I don't think I've ever heard anything 26 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:28,079 more beautiful in all my life. 27 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,040 Go on, sing something else. 28 00:01:30,159 --> 00:01:32,519 No, I don't normally do requests. 29 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:33,560 Ah, go on now. 30 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,319 Please. 31 00:01:36,439 --> 00:01:37,599 OK. 32 00:01:37,719 --> 00:01:43,319 (SINGING) I love Paris in the springtime, 33 00:01:43,439 --> 00:01:48,920 I love Paris in the fall. - No. 34 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,239 [laughter] 35 00:01:50,359 --> 00:01:51,879 No, I didn't like that one so much. 36 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,280 No, I was a bit disappointed with that one, to be honest. 37 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:55,959 Yes, thank you Mrs. Doyle. 38 00:01:56,079 --> 00:01:57,000 That wasn't very good at all. 39 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,480 [laughter] - Yes. 40 00:01:58,599 --> 00:01:59,680 I mean, I used to love that song, 41 00:01:59,799 --> 00:02:01,040 but that version was catastrophic. 42 00:02:01,159 --> 00:02:02,159 [laughter] 43 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:03,719 Well, tell you what, Mrs. Doyle, 44 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,239 I won't book Carnegie Hall just yet. 45 00:02:06,359 --> 00:02:07,879 I don't think they'd let you play Carnegie 46 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,879 Hall with a voice like that. 47 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:11,960 Carnegie Hall. 48 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:13,680 Oh, Ted-- here's one. 49 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,400 How do you get to Carnegie Hall? 50 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,439 Practice. 51 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:18,680 What? 52 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,000 [laughter] 53 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:21,159 That's that old joke, isn't it? 54 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:22,599 How do you get to Carnegie Hall? 55 00:02:22,719 --> 00:02:23,560 Practice. 56 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:24,919 Huh? 57 00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:26,280 [laughter] 58 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,680 Oh, I see. 59 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,719 You'd have to go to New York, Dougal. 60 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:31,639 Oh, right. 61 00:02:31,759 --> 00:02:32,520 Yeah. 62 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:33,560 Ted, 63 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:35,039 [laughter] 64 00:02:35,159 --> 00:02:37,039 Do you mind if I put on my record? 65 00:02:37,159 --> 00:02:39,439 No go ahead. 66 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:40,800 I've got Eurosong fever, Ted. 67 00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:42,599 - Yeah? - Oh, God, yeah. 68 00:02:42,719 --> 00:02:44,080 I love the Eurosong competition. 69 00:02:44,199 --> 00:02:45,439 I just can't wait. 70 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,400 What time is it now? 71 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:48,439 Half past one. 72 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:49,560 Half one? 73 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,240 And the competition is on in-- 74 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:52,680 May. 75 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:55,120 [laughter] 76 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:56,960 Ted, you know they're looking for entries 77 00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,199 for this year's competition. 78 00:02:59,319 --> 00:03:00,680 - Are they? - Yeah. 79 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,080 - Dougal-- - Why don't we-- 80 00:03:02,199 --> 00:03:02,960 Dougal! 81 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,360 Ah, come on, Ted. 82 00:03:04,479 --> 00:03:05,520 Dougal! 83 00:03:05,639 --> 00:03:06,840 Imagine-- if we won, we'd be famous. 84 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,240 Like Nelson Mandela and his mad wife. 85 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,159 [laughter] 86 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:12,080 No, Dougal. 87 00:03:12,199 --> 00:03:13,199 We don't have the time. 88 00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,639 Anyway, we'd have to write a song. 89 00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:15,879 That needs a certain type of person 90 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,319 with a very special talent. 91 00:03:17,439 --> 00:03:19,680 Cole Porter, George and Ira Gershwin. 92 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,000 Chris de Burgh. 93 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,400 Not just any old eejit can take up the art 94 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:23,759 of songwriting just like that. 95 00:03:23,879 --> 00:03:25,919 [phone ringing] 96 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:26,960 Hello, Father Ted Crilly. 97 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:27,879 Hello! 98 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,479 Dick Byrne here. 99 00:03:29,599 --> 00:03:30,759 Dick. 100 00:03:30,879 --> 00:03:32,439 Well, Ted, are you entering this year? 101 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:33,360 FATHER TED (ON PHONE): What? 102 00:03:33,479 --> 00:03:35,000 Eurosong '96. 103 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,479 The young fellow has me driven mad here with it. 104 00:03:37,599 --> 00:03:39,520 Anyway, we thought we'd enter it this year. 105 00:03:39,639 --> 00:03:40,840 Why don't you give it a go, as well? 106 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:41,840 I'm sure you'd win it, Ted. 107 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,120 Well, thanks very much for-- 108 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:44,439 If all the other contestants were killed! 109 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,719 [laughter] 110 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,319 I'm sure we'd do just as well as you would. 111 00:03:48,439 --> 00:03:49,879 - No you wouldn't. - Yes we would. 112 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,159 - No you wouldn't. - Yes we would. 113 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:52,240 - No you wouldn't. - Yes we would. 114 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:53,360 - No you wouldn't. - Yes we would. 115 00:03:53,479 --> 00:03:54,120 - No you wouldn't. - Yes we would. 116 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:55,439 No you wouldn't. 117 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:56,719 Yes we would, yes we would, yes we would! 118 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,000 - No you wouldn't times 1,000! - Yes we-- 119 00:03:58,120 --> 00:03:58,960 Jinx! No come backs! 120 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,800 [phone slams down] 121 00:04:00,919 --> 00:04:03,520 [laughter] 122 00:04:03,639 --> 00:04:04,800 Dougal, get the guitar. 123 00:04:04,919 --> 00:04:05,719 But I thought-- 124 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:07,599 I said get the guitar! 125 00:04:07,719 --> 00:04:11,080 [laughter] 126 00:04:11,199 --> 00:04:13,599 [door slams] 127 00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:14,639 OK, right. 128 00:04:14,759 --> 00:04:16,720 What do we write it about? 129 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,439 How about a lovely horse? 130 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,879 [laughter] 131 00:04:24,439 --> 00:04:25,800 OK. 132 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:33,040 We'll call it "My Lovely Horse" by father Ted Crilly. 133 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:34,879 And Father Dougal McGuire. 134 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,600 [laughter] 135 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:40,720 And Father Dougal McGuire. 136 00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:41,600 Right. 137 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,480 Here we go. 138 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,399 Will we do the lyrics first or we'll be doing the music? 139 00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:48,639 Let's do the lyrics and then we can fit the tune around it. 140 00:04:48,759 --> 00:04:49,560 Right. 141 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,399 Here we go. 142 00:04:52,519 --> 00:04:54,839 [laughter] 143 00:04:58,439 --> 00:05:00,079 Maybe we should do the music first. 144 00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:01,800 Look, right. Here we go. 145 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,480 [out of tune chord] 146 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:04,759 I like that. 147 00:05:04,879 --> 00:05:06,480 [laughter] 148 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:07,800 Was that all right? 149 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:08,759 Yeah. 150 00:05:08,879 --> 00:05:11,600 It was a bit sad. - Good. 151 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:12,680 I'll write it down. 152 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:16,759 I think it was an A minor. 153 00:05:16,879 --> 00:05:17,879 I think-- 154 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,319 I think-- I think I have a lyric. 155 00:05:19,439 --> 00:05:20,720 Right-- lyrics. 156 00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:21,720 Go ahead there, Dougal. 157 00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:23,399 What's it called again? 158 00:05:23,519 --> 00:05:25,120 [laughter] 159 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,040 "My Lovely Horse." 160 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:27,959 Right. 161 00:05:28,079 --> 00:05:29,560 How about this? 162 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,439 My lovely horse, I want to hold you so tight, 163 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,519 I want to rub my fingers through your tail, 164 00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:38,000 and love you all night. 165 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:38,879 [laughter] 166 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,199 Dougal, Dougal. 167 00:05:40,319 --> 00:05:42,319 Stop there. 168 00:05:42,439 --> 00:05:44,000 We want to keep out of the whole area of actually 169 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,199 being in love with the horse. [laughter] 170 00:05:46,319 --> 00:05:47,560 Oh, right, right. 171 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,040 It's more that we're friends with the horse. 172 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:50,920 That we want to jump around with it and, you know, 173 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,000 just have a good laugh it. - Right. 174 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,879 What about something like, take this lump of sugar, baby, 175 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,160 you know you want it? 176 00:05:57,279 --> 00:05:59,639 [laughter] 177 00:06:01,399 --> 00:06:03,839 That would be something like those rap fellows would write. 178 00:06:03,959 --> 00:06:05,439 You can forget about them Dougal. 179 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:09,319 Forget about icy tea and and scoopy scoopy dog dog. 180 00:06:09,439 --> 00:06:10,399 [laughter] 181 00:06:10,519 --> 00:06:12,920 They are no help to us now. 182 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,319 Anyway, we're not moving from here until we finish the song. 183 00:06:15,439 --> 00:06:16,199 Ready? 184 00:06:16,319 --> 00:06:17,120 Ready, Ted. 185 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:18,279 Let's do it! 186 00:06:18,399 --> 00:06:21,000 Dougal, don't take it so seriously. 187 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,480 It's just a bit of fun. 188 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,839 [clock ticking] 189 00:06:26,959 --> 00:06:29,199 Just play the [bleep] note! 190 00:06:29,319 --> 00:06:31,160 [laughter] 191 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,360 The first one? 192 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:35,279 No! 193 00:06:35,399 --> 00:06:36,480 Not the [bleep] first one! 194 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,319 The [bleep] is already [bleep] done! 195 00:06:39,439 --> 00:06:42,360 Just play the [bleep] note you were [bleep] playing earlier! 196 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:43,839 I've been playing the [bleep] first one! 197 00:06:43,959 --> 00:06:46,600 We have the [bleep] first one! 198 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:47,560 [laughter] 199 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:49,959 [cans kicked out of the way] 200 00:06:51,519 --> 00:06:53,040 So I just-- 201 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,160 Just play the [bleep] note you were [bleep] playing there! 202 00:06:55,279 --> 00:06:57,199 You were just [bleep] doing! 203 00:06:57,319 --> 00:06:59,920 Play the [bleep] note! 204 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,399 [laughter] 205 00:07:01,519 --> 00:07:03,879 [clock ticking] 206 00:07:05,519 --> 00:07:08,360 [beat track playing] 207 00:07:11,959 --> 00:07:13,639 Right. 208 00:07:13,759 --> 00:07:16,480 [beat track playing] 209 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:20,519 My lovely horse running through the field, 210 00:07:20,639 --> 00:07:25,199 where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the wind? 211 00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:30,600 I want to shower you with sugar lumps and ride you over fences, 212 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:33,800 I want to polish your hooves every single day, 213 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:37,399 and bring you to the horse dentist. 214 00:07:37,519 --> 00:07:41,800 My lovely horse, you're a pony no more, 215 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,279 running around with the man on your back 216 00:07:44,399 --> 00:07:45,839 like a train in the night-- - Wait, wait. 217 00:07:45,959 --> 00:07:46,759 I can do this bit. 218 00:07:46,879 --> 00:07:48,199 Like a train in the-- 219 00:07:48,319 --> 00:07:50,279 [out of tune chord] --night. 220 00:07:50,399 --> 00:07:53,240 Well, what do you think in general? 221 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:57,560 [gunshot] 222 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,480 [laughter] 223 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:01,759 Right. 224 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:06,759 Father Jack's right. 225 00:08:06,879 --> 00:08:08,480 It's a terrible song. It really is. 226 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:09,600 What were we thinking? 227 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:11,480 Ah, it's not not that bad, Ted. 228 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:12,639 Well, the lyrics are fine. 229 00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:14,160 There's no problem there. 230 00:08:14,279 --> 00:08:15,639 [laughter] 231 00:08:15,759 --> 00:08:17,040 But it's a terrible tune. 232 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,720 It's just the same note over and over again. 233 00:08:19,839 --> 00:08:21,920 Look, why don't I put on my favorite Eurosong 234 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,199 and maybe that will cheer us up. 235 00:08:23,319 --> 00:08:25,040 Yes, that might help. 236 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:26,480 What is it? 237 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,879 Uh, it's Nin Huugen and the Huggen Notes. 238 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:33,039 It came fifth in a song for Norway in 1976. 239 00:08:33,159 --> 00:08:35,919 [music playing] 240 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:45,360 That's not too bad, actually. 241 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:46,720 Oh, wait a minute. That's the B-side. 242 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:47,720 I'll turn it over. 243 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:49,159 No. No, no. 244 00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:50,279 Leave it. Leave it. 245 00:08:50,399 --> 00:08:51,480 It's nice enough, isn't it? 246 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:52,879 Yeah. 247 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,120 If only we'd come up with something like that. 248 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:02,039 Dougal, I suppose not many people 249 00:09:02,159 --> 00:09:03,559 have actually heard that song. 250 00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:04,639 Suppose not. 251 00:09:04,759 --> 00:09:06,679 First time I've heard it, anyway. 252 00:09:06,799 --> 00:09:08,639 [laughter] 253 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:13,919 Where are the band now? 254 00:09:14,039 --> 00:09:14,799 Oh God, Ted. 255 00:09:14,919 --> 00:09:16,679 It's a terrible story. 256 00:09:16,799 --> 00:09:19,919 They all died in a plane crash. 257 00:09:20,039 --> 00:09:21,960 Including everybody who was involved in the song-- 258 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,519 the studio engineers, the producer, the manager. 259 00:09:25,639 --> 00:09:27,320 And the people who owned the publishing rights? 260 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:28,200 Oh yes. 261 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,559 That's terrible. 262 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:31,480 Dougal? 263 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:32,679 Yeah? 264 00:09:32,799 --> 00:09:34,440 Wouldn't it be nice to commemorate 265 00:09:34,559 --> 00:09:37,200 all those talented people by keeping their music alive? 266 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:38,120 [laughter] 267 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:39,440 What? 268 00:09:39,559 --> 00:09:41,840 Well, suppose we were to borrow that tune 269 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,919 for "My Lovely Horse." 270 00:09:45,039 --> 00:09:47,159 It would help us out and it would commemorate 271 00:09:47,279 --> 00:09:48,919 their memory at the same time. 272 00:09:49,039 --> 00:09:51,480 So we wouldn't just be stealing their tune? 273 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:52,879 Oh, no. 274 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,000 You'd have to be mad to jump to that conclusion. 275 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,879 As they say, we'd just be celebrating their memory. 276 00:09:59,000 --> 00:09:59,919 Secretly. 277 00:10:00,039 --> 00:10:01,600 [laughter] 278 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:02,919 Incidentally, don't tell anyone. 279 00:10:03,039 --> 00:10:04,080 Oh right. 280 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,759 And I suppose if the song wins and we 281 00:10:05,879 --> 00:10:07,120 make any money out of it, we could 282 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,399 give it to their relatives. 283 00:10:09,519 --> 00:10:11,440 Yeah. 284 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:14,639 We'll play that by ear. 285 00:10:14,759 --> 00:10:16,519 Na, na na. 286 00:10:16,639 --> 00:10:18,840 Di, di, di, di. 287 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:22,039 You know, Dougal, I don't want to jump to any conclusions 288 00:10:22,159 --> 00:10:23,639 and get us all excited, but I think 289 00:10:23,759 --> 00:10:24,799 we're definitely going to win. 290 00:10:24,919 --> 00:10:25,679 Really? 291 00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:27,000 Oh great. 292 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,440 There'll be lots to think about, you know? 293 00:10:28,559 --> 00:10:30,960 Promotional gifts for journalists, American tour 294 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,279 dates. 295 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:34,600 Oh, and I suppose a big fly-poster campaign. 296 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,919 Oh-- and of course, the obligatory video. 297 00:10:37,039 --> 00:10:38,080 An obligatory video? 298 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,279 Wow! 299 00:10:40,399 --> 00:10:42,559 Are priests allowed to be rock stars, though, Ted? 300 00:10:42,679 --> 00:10:44,200 Yes, there was a lad at the seminary. 301 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:45,879 Father Benny Cake. 302 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,600 He recorded a song and it went to number one in England. 303 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:49,919 - Really? - Yeah. 304 00:10:50,039 --> 00:10:51,279 He didn't want people to know he was a priest, 305 00:10:51,399 --> 00:10:53,720 so he called himself-- 306 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,039 what's this he calls himself? 307 00:10:55,159 --> 00:10:57,440 Anyway, I think the song was called "Vienna." 308 00:10:57,559 --> 00:10:59,240 [laughter] 309 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,159 And why didn't he want people to know he was a priest, Ted? 310 00:11:02,279 --> 00:11:03,759 I suppose people thought if you were a priest, 311 00:11:03,879 --> 00:11:04,759 you were a bit uncool. 312 00:11:04,879 --> 00:11:06,879 That you were a bit of a square. 313 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,240 And then we came along. [laughter] 314 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,240 Yeah. 315 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,720 Anyway, Dougal, get to sleep. 316 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:11,639 Sweet dreams. 317 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:25,000 [music playing] My lovely horse, my lovely horse, 318 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,000 running through the field 319 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,480 [laughter] 320 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:37,919 Where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the wind? 321 00:11:38,039 --> 00:11:42,360 I want to shower you with sugar lumps, 322 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:46,360 and ride you over fences 323 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:50,799 Polish your hooves every single day 324 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:54,279 and bring you to the horse dentist 325 00:11:54,399 --> 00:11:58,759 My lovely, lovely, lovely, horse-- my lovely horse, 326 00:11:58,879 --> 00:12:00,720 my lovely horse, 327 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:04,679 You are a pony no more 328 00:12:04,799 --> 00:12:09,159 You're roaming around with a man on your back, 329 00:12:09,279 --> 00:12:15,120 Like a train in the night, like a train in the night 330 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,600 [train whistle] 331 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:21,200 [breathing heavily] 332 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,559 We have to lose that sax solo. 333 00:12:23,679 --> 00:12:26,000 [music playing] 334 00:12:29,039 --> 00:12:32,720 Uh, Mrs. Doyle, I think that's enough makeup on Dougal now. 335 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:33,840 There you go. 336 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,320 [laughter] 337 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:36,759 Good man 338 00:12:36,879 --> 00:12:39,679 [laughter] 339 00:12:39,799 --> 00:12:41,440 [knock at door] 340 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:43,559 Hello, uh, Father Crilly. 341 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:45,759 I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening. 342 00:12:45,879 --> 00:12:46,720 And this is-- 343 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:47,639 You don't have to tell me-- 344 00:12:47,759 --> 00:12:48,559 Mr. Rickwood. 345 00:12:48,679 --> 00:12:50,000 I'm delighted to meet you. 346 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,080 I thought you did a brilliant job 347 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,519 presenting last year's show. 348 00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:53,799 Oh, well, that's the business, like, you know. 349 00:12:53,919 --> 00:12:56,080 In and out of doors, like, and giddy-up! 350 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,360 [laughter] 351 00:12:58,480 --> 00:12:59,919 - Sorry? - Like the business. 352 00:13:00,039 --> 00:13:01,320 Like in and out of doors and giddy up! 353 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:02,480 Ah, yes! 354 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,879 [laughter] 355 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,320 On the anniversary, let's shave a bollock. 356 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,240 Mm, mm, mm. 357 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:11,879 Hmm. 358 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,960 I have to say, he sounded a lot better on last year's show. 359 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,440 Oh, once he's on the stage, he's fine. 360 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:17,440 Ah, right. 361 00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:18,480 And do you know him a long time? 362 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:19,600 Yes, yes, yes. 363 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,039 We've been partners for 10 years. 364 00:13:21,159 --> 00:13:22,320 Oh, right. 365 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:23,559 You run the production company together. 366 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:24,200 No, no. No, no. 367 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:25,720 He's my lover. 368 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:29,600 [laughter] 369 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,120 He-- He's quite a catch! 370 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,919 [laughter] 371 00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:37,440 This is my partner-- 372 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:38,360 Father Dougal McGuire. 373 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:39,600 Not my sexual partner! 374 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,879 I mean, my partner that I do song with. 375 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,639 Yes, well, I guessed that. 376 00:13:43,759 --> 00:13:45,240 Of course you did. 377 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:48,519 Not that there's anything wrong with that type of thing. 378 00:13:48,639 --> 00:13:50,639 I thought the Catholic church thought that that type of thing 379 00:13:50,759 --> 00:13:52,120 was inherently wrong. 380 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,000 Yes it does. 381 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:58,320 The whole gay thing, I suppose, is a bit of a puzzle to us all. 382 00:13:58,440 --> 00:13:59,759 It must be fun, though. 383 00:13:59,879 --> 00:14:04,279 Not the-- not the you know, but the nightclubs. 384 00:14:04,399 --> 00:14:07,039 And the whole rough and tumble of homosexual activity. 385 00:14:07,159 --> 00:14:10,200 [laughter] You know, having boyfriends when you're a man. 386 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:11,600 Anyway, don't mind what the church thinks. 387 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,720 It used to think the Earth was flat. 388 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,399 It's like, you know, sometimes the Pope says 389 00:14:15,519 --> 00:14:16,960 things he doesn't really mean. You know, we all get things-- 390 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:18,240 [laughter] 391 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,399 We all get things wrong-- even the Pope. 392 00:14:20,519 --> 00:14:21,960 What about papal infallibility? 393 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:23,279 Yes. 394 00:14:23,399 --> 00:14:25,919 [laughter] 395 00:14:26,039 --> 00:14:27,080 Is it for everything-- 396 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:27,960 the infallibility. 397 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:29,559 Do you know? 398 00:14:29,679 --> 00:14:30,840 I don't know. 399 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:31,840 Right, anyhow. 400 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,000 Nothing to do me. 401 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,639 [laughter] 402 00:14:34,759 --> 00:14:37,360 Anyway, Father, I am really looking forward to your entry. 403 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,639 [laughter] 404 00:14:39,759 --> 00:14:40,759 The song! Ha! 405 00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:41,639 Ha. 406 00:14:41,759 --> 00:14:42,559 The song. 407 00:14:42,679 --> 00:14:44,679 Right, oh well, so am I. 408 00:14:44,799 --> 00:14:46,039 Do you think we'll win? 409 00:14:46,159 --> 00:14:46,960 It's not up to him. 410 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:48,559 It's the public who decide. 411 00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:49,720 Not this year. 412 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,159 - No? - No. 413 00:14:51,279 --> 00:14:52,559 We've decided this year that I'll pick the winner. 414 00:14:52,679 --> 00:14:55,240 That old phone-in system wasn't really working. 415 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,559 But the song the public's chosen 416 00:14:56,679 --> 00:14:59,480 has won Eurosong five years in a row. 417 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:03,600 Yes, but it's quite complicated. 418 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,440 And are you looking forward to the show? 419 00:15:05,559 --> 00:15:06,879 Oh, yes. 420 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,919 We're all thrilled and it's a bit of a novelty, 421 00:15:09,039 --> 00:15:10,360 I suppose, you know. 422 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,440 Gosh, with us being priests. - Well, not exactly. 423 00:15:12,559 --> 00:15:15,000 Because tonight there's a very similar act to yours-- 424 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,480 Fathers Dick Byrne and Father Cyril MacDuff. 425 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:18,759 Oh, God. 426 00:15:18,879 --> 00:15:19,840 I didn't think they'd make it this far. 427 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,440 Flip! They'll win, Ted. 428 00:15:21,559 --> 00:15:23,720 We might as well give up now. 429 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,240 Well, that's a very defeatist attitude, Dougal! 430 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:27,159 Actually it is. 431 00:15:27,279 --> 00:15:28,600 Sorry about that, Ted. 432 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,440 Ah, but he's right, Ted! 433 00:15:31,559 --> 00:15:32,559 Dick. 434 00:15:32,679 --> 00:15:34,519 You ready to be beaten, then? 435 00:15:34,639 --> 00:15:36,320 I'd say your song is terrible, anyway. 436 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:37,840 Oh no, it's not. 437 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,639 It's better than your one, anyway, Ted, you big fool! 438 00:15:39,759 --> 00:15:41,399 You take that back! 439 00:15:41,519 --> 00:15:42,639 I'll just be leaving. 440 00:15:42,759 --> 00:15:44,120 Thanks very much, Charles. 441 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,159 See you later. 442 00:15:45,279 --> 00:15:46,360 Yes, thanks. 443 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,480 I'm sure we'll all have a great time. 444 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:49,840 I will not take it back. 445 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,039 I bet we get a million points and I 446 00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:52,360 bet you'll get minus 7,000! 447 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:53,600 Oh yeah? How much? 448 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:54,519 How much you bet? 449 00:15:54,639 --> 00:15:56,039 Four pounds! 450 00:15:56,159 --> 00:15:56,960 Right. 451 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,039 You're on! 452 00:15:58,159 --> 00:15:58,960 Hold up! 453 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,159 That's just us winning. 454 00:16:00,279 --> 00:16:01,080 I mean, obviously, the million points 455 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,000 is a bit of an exaggeration. 456 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,480 All right, yeah. 457 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:05,759 [laughter] 458 00:16:05,879 --> 00:16:08,960 Right, so we're off to win the contest. 459 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,720 Ah, seriously, Ted. 460 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,200 Even if you don't win the contest, 461 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,559 I'm sure your song's a very good one. 462 00:16:15,679 --> 00:16:16,720 Really? 463 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:17,960 No! 464 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:18,960 Oh! 465 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,320 I really hate Father Dick Byrne! 466 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,799 [crowd murmuring] 467 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,559 - Good luck tonight, Fred. - Ah, yes. 468 00:16:32,679 --> 00:16:34,639 [inaudible] 469 00:16:34,759 --> 00:16:35,600 [laughter] 470 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,919 [music playing] 471 00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:40,480 Thanks, right. 472 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:41,799 Let's go. 473 00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:43,799 [music playing] 474 00:16:46,919 --> 00:16:49,279 ANNOUNCER: And now, live from the Theater 475 00:16:49,399 --> 00:16:51,360 Royal, a song for Ireland. 476 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,519 And here is your host, Fred Rickwood! 477 00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,399 Hello! 478 00:16:56,519 --> 00:16:58,279 What a pro. 479 00:16:58,399 --> 00:17:00,639 [applause] 480 00:17:00,759 --> 00:17:03,200 And welcome to the song for Ireland-- 481 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,480 the contest where we select who will represent 482 00:17:05,599 --> 00:17:08,960 Ireland in Eurosong '96. 483 00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:13,039 This year, we've got a lot-- 484 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,480 Look at Dick Byrne over there showing off. 485 00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:20,119 He won't be too happy when we win and he comes last. 486 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,079 [laughter] 487 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,359 [laughter] 488 00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:28,319 --a long way and I know they're eager to start. 489 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,599 [laughter] 490 00:17:32,079 --> 00:17:33,440 So, please, could you put your hands 491 00:17:33,559 --> 00:17:35,559 together and welcome on stage Euro 492 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,519 hopefuls from Rugged Island-- 493 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:43,440 Father Dick Byrne and father Cyril MacDuff! 494 00:17:43,559 --> 00:17:48,960 [music playing] 495 00:17:49,079 --> 00:17:57,920 When I was young, I had a dream, 496 00:17:58,039 --> 00:18:03,039 And though the dream was very small, 497 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:08,039 It wouldn't leave me. 498 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,519 Dougal, Dougal, Dougal! 499 00:18:16,079 --> 00:18:21,440 To play the poet of a fool, 500 00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:28,400 And now you see me 501 00:18:28,519 --> 00:18:39,720 And now, the miracle is mine, 502 00:18:39,839 --> 00:18:45,160 And the war begun! 503 00:18:45,279 --> 00:18:46,640 And now-- 504 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:50,279 FATHER TED: 505 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,480 I'm going for a fag. 506 00:18:54,559 --> 00:18:57,440 [whistling] 507 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:04,359 [music playing] 508 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:13,279 Oh God! 509 00:19:17,519 --> 00:19:18,319 Dougal! 510 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:19,319 We can't do the song. 511 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:21,000 What's up with you, Ted? 512 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,920 I just heard it in the lift-- they're piping us in in there. 513 00:19:23,039 --> 00:19:23,920 I heard someone whistling it! 514 00:19:24,039 --> 00:19:25,160 Well, that's good, isn't it? 515 00:19:25,279 --> 00:19:26,480 Shows what a great song it is, Ted. 516 00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,000 No, no no! They'll know we ripped it off. 517 00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:29,720 It must be more famous than we thought. 518 00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:32,400 Oh crap, then we'll be found out! 519 00:19:32,519 --> 00:19:33,519 What do we do, Ted? 520 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,039 Why did this have to happen to us? 521 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:36,960 What did we ever do to deserve this? 522 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:45,200 (SINGING) Now, I've nothing left but time. 523 00:19:45,319 --> 00:19:47,640 Still I re-- 524 00:19:47,759 --> 00:19:49,000 Song's nearly over, Ted. 525 00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:50,720 Oh no. 526 00:19:50,839 --> 00:19:56,960 I think, Dougal, we'll have to resort to plan B. 527 00:19:57,079 --> 00:20:01,880 [music playing] 528 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,880 [applause] 529 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,799 Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! 530 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,200 Something else, something else. 531 00:20:17,319 --> 00:20:19,039 And now on to our next act. 532 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,880 All the way from Craggy Island, could you please 533 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:27,079 welcome Father Ted Crilly and Father Dougal McGuire. 534 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:30,079 [applause] 535 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:38,799 My lovely horse running through the field, 536 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:43,519 Where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the wind? 537 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,200 [laughter] 538 00:20:45,319 --> 00:20:51,559 I want to shower you with sugar lumps and ride you over fences 539 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,480 Polish your hooves every single day 540 00:20:54,599 --> 00:20:57,759 and send you to the horse dentist 541 00:20:57,880 --> 00:20:58,960 [laughter] 542 00:20:59,079 --> 00:21:02,799 My lovely horse, you're a pony no more 543 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,119 [laughter] 544 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,720 Running around with the man on your back, 545 00:21:06,839 --> 00:21:10,640 Like a train in the night, like to train in the-- 546 00:21:10,759 --> 00:21:11,880 hold on, I can get this-- night. 547 00:21:27,559 --> 00:21:29,920 [laughter] 548 00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:31,079 Well, we did it. 549 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:35,400 Don't ask me how, but we did it. 550 00:21:35,519 --> 00:21:37,599 And the answer is really quite simple, Father. 551 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,240 Yours was the best song. 552 00:21:39,359 --> 00:21:40,759 I suppose so. 553 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:42,359 But you know, I didn't really think that the audience 554 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:43,400 were going for it. 555 00:21:43,519 --> 00:21:45,599 [inaudible] 556 00:21:50,079 --> 00:21:50,880 Yeah! 557 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:51,759 Yeah. 558 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:52,920 Cheers. 559 00:21:53,039 --> 00:21:54,440 Cheers. 560 00:21:54,559 --> 00:21:56,000 What's going on? 561 00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:59,240 I mean, our song was clearly miles better than theirs! 562 00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:00,880 Well, we thought-- 563 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,440 For God's sake, it was the same note over and over again! 564 00:22:03,559 --> 00:22:05,559 Yes, but we admired it's-- 565 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,480 Yeah, well, it had, you know, there was the old bout 566 00:22:07,599 --> 00:22:08,400 of control, flying. 567 00:22:08,519 --> 00:22:09,799 [inaudible] 568 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,960 Exactly. 569 00:22:13,079 --> 00:22:14,920 Fred put it better than I ever could. 570 00:22:15,039 --> 00:22:16,480 So there. 571 00:22:16,599 --> 00:22:18,119 Anyone would think you wanted Ireland to lose 572 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,799 the next Eurosong contest! 573 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:22,599 [laughter] 574 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:25,000 Nonsense! 575 00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:26,519 Why would we want to do that? 576 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,000 I don't know. 577 00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:29,799 Maybe because it was costing you too much to stage? 578 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,400 Oh oh. Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. 579 00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:35,119 Now come on. 580 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,079 Does that really sound plausible? 581 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:38,759 I think you should just go on now 582 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:42,480 and count your sour grapes before they hatch. 583 00:22:42,599 --> 00:22:45,599 Better luck next time. 584 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,279 We lost, Cyril. 585 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:49,720 Really? 586 00:22:49,839 --> 00:22:51,720 Come on. 587 00:22:51,839 --> 00:22:53,559 Anyway, congratulations again, Father. 588 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,160 I'm sure you'll do very well in the Eurosong contest. 589 00:22:56,279 --> 00:22:57,359 I think we will. 590 00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:00,480 Europe-- here we come! 591 00:23:00,599 --> 00:23:02,400 [crowd booing] 592 00:23:02,519 --> 00:23:04,039 I think we better sneak them out the back. 593 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:07,119 That's a pretty nasty crowd out there. 594 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,559 [music playing] 595 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,359 ANNOUNCER: Thank you, Athens, So that's a total score 596 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,799 of 103 for Belgium. 597 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,480 Ja! 598 00:23:17,599 --> 00:23:19,599 ANNOUNCER: Could we please have the points for Ireland's entry, 599 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,200 "My Lovely Horse"? 600 00:23:21,319 --> 00:23:23,559 REPORTER: [non-english speech] 601 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,039 ANNOUNCER: Ireland, no points. 602 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:27,599 REPORTER: [non-english speech] 603 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,440 ANNOUNCER: Ireland, no points. 604 00:23:29,559 --> 00:23:32,319 REPORTER: [non-english speech] 605 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,480 ANNOUNCER: Ireland, no points. 606 00:23:34,599 --> 00:23:36,400 REPORTER: [non-english speech] 607 00:23:36,519 --> 00:23:38,240 ANNOUNCER: Ireland, no points. 608 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:40,960 REPORTER: [non-english speech] 609 00:23:41,079 --> 00:23:42,559 ANNOUNCER: Against, Ireland. 610 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:43,759 No points. 611 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,599 REPORTER: [non-english speech] 612 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:47,640 ANNOUNCER: Ireland, no. 613 00:23:47,759 --> 00:23:49,279 Nothing there again. 614 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,640 REPORTER: [non-english speech] 615 00:23:51,759 --> 00:23:52,839 ANNOUNCER: Ireland no points. 616 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,839 REPORTER: [non-english speech] 617 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,799 ANNOUNCER: Yes, that means nothing. 618 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,000 REPORTER: [non-english speech] 619 00:24:01,119 --> 00:24:01,880 ANNOUNCER: Nothing. 620 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,759 [laughter] 40826

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