Original subtitles

[theme music]

[theme music]

[whirring]

[clatter]

So he's already having an affair with the sister.

And this is when his wife is seriously ill in hospital.

Wow.

Incredible, isn't it?

So who does he make pregnant, but the babysitter?

So now, he doesn't know whether to stay

with the wife, the sister, or run off with the babysitter.

When's his next confession?

Tuesday.

I keep a poster.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this.

Ah, me too, Ted.

It's great to take a day off every now and again.

It shouldn't be just work, work, work, now, should it?

Yes, it's not as if everybody's just

going to go and join some mad religious cult

just because we go out for a picnic for a few hours.

God, Ted, I heard about those cults--

everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord

is going to come back and judge us all.

No, no, Dougal, that-- that-- that's us.

That's Catholicism you're talking about there.

Oh, right, right.

Right, here's the sandwiches for the picnic.

The rest are in the kitchen.

- Great. - I hope you enjoy them, Father.

Oh, I love a sandwich from time to time.

Doesn't matter what flavor it is,

just as long as it isn't egg.

Because you know how much I hate egg, Mrs. Doyle.

God, even the smell of them brings me out

in a terrible rash. I tell you.

I wouldn't eat an egg sandwich if you paid me.

They're horrible, stinking, smelly things,

as I told you before.

Remember me telling you earlier, Mrs. Doyle, anything

except egg, and how I wanted anything at all

just as long as it wasn't egg?

They're egg, aren't they, Mrs. Doyle?

Yes.

I'll eat them, Mrs. Doyle.

I love egg.

Sometimes I think I like eggs so much that one day I'm going

to turn into a big, giant egg.

I think that process has already begun.

Sorry, Ted?

No, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Um, so, ready?

Oh, ready as I'll ever be, Ted.

I don't think I've ever looked forward

to anything as much as I've looked forward to this picnic.

Right so.

Oh, wait, Ted.

I just remembered.

I can't go.

[doorbell]

How are you?

Is Dougal here?

[whimpering]

Hello, Father.

Hello, Sergeant.

Just doing the rounds.

On the trail of some crazed murderer, no doubt.

What was that?

Sorry?

Something about a crazed murderer.

Where? When was this?

No, I-- I was only joking.

Oh, right.

But if you ever hear of a crazed murderer on the loose,

report it.

It would give me something to do, you know?

Right.

It's very quiet here, you know, not much crime.

Yes, yes.

So if you hear of anything, you know--

a car wrongly parked, anything.

Tax up to date on that car?

Ah, it is, yes.

Yeah, I thought it might.

Bye, Sergeant.

Who was that young priest, Father?

Hm?

Oh, I don't know.

So Father McGuire isn't going on the picnic then.

No, never mind.

I'm meeting Larry Duff and a few of the lads from St. Columb's.

Better give them a call and make sure they

know where they're going.

All egg, yeah?

Yes.

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Ah, hello, Ted.

Hello, Larry.

How are you?

Ah, grand, a bit of a problem, though.

We might not be able to make the picnic.

Ah, God, Larry, why?

Ah, well, you know Father Williams,

who was driving us over?

FATHER TED (ON PHONE): Billy, yeah, what about him?

Yeah, well, they found a big box of machine guns

in his house.

I wouldn't have thought he'd be interested in that type

of thing.

Ah, yeah, well, you think you know someone.

Anyway, there you go.

Yeah, bye, uh, bye--

Oh, well.

Just myself, I suppose.

[muttering]

Drink!

It's not drink, Father.

It's just fizzy water.

Jacob's Creek Chardonnay, 1991.

You can tell that just from the sound?

Drink, drink, drink!

Father, I was thinking of going on a little picnic,

uh, on my own, outside.

You wouldn't like it, Father.

You'd be much happier here.

I mean, you'd-- I mean, that is, that--

I'd-- ah.

Here, do you want one?

Uh, no thanks, Father Lennon.

What time is your tea ready?

Frosty usually has it about 6:00.

No?

Who?

Frosty, Father Frost.

Oh, wow, Frosty, brilliant.

What do you call your father?

Who, Ted?

Yeah.

Oh, just Ted.

But it's the way I say it, you know?

He's an awful eejit, isn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah, which one do you prefer, Oasis or Blur?

- Blur. - What?

Oasis, I mean, Oasis.

Father Damien, your tea is ready.

I'll be in in a minute.

[snoring]

Great, here we go.

FRANK: What the fup are you doing here?

This is my fupping spot.

Get the fup off.

Hit him, Frank.

But there's lots of room.

Could you all go over there?

No fupping way.

F-U-P-O-F-F.

Yeah, fup off.

We come here every fupping Sunday.

But this is Saturday.

Hit him, Frank.

I'll hit him for you.

She fupping would, too, and so would I, you fupping backstard.

Why are you talking like that?

So fup off, you grasshole.

But I don't see--

That's fupping it.

I'm calling the fupping man.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

[whistle]

[whistle]

What's the problem there?

This backstard priest is in our spot.

No, ah, we were just--

Put the fork down.

What?

Oh, I wasn't--

BENSON: Put the fork down.

Put the fork down.

Now put your hands very slowly to your sides.

Slowly.

First, I'm going to put the megaphone down now, all right?

Nice and easy.

Now, I'm going to reach inside my pocket, all right?

Nice and slow, everything's fine.

Cigarette?

No, to be honest, I'm just going home.

So fup off, you pedrophile.

All right, come on.

Come on.

Nothing to see here.

Come on.

Back to the picnic, nothing to see here.

[whistling]

Ah, there you are.

You wouldn't believe the day I had, you wouldn't.

God, I met the rudest couple.

And that fellow, Benson, with his bloody whistle,

blowing it all the time.

Somebody should take it off of him.

Anyway, where did you go off to?

Oh, I went off with, uh, Father Damo Lennon.

He's over with Frosty.

Who?

Eh, Father Frost.

Oh, yes, Father Frost.

He said they might come over for a bit of a holiday.

Father Damo's great.

Dougal, why are you walking like that?

Like what, Ted?

Like a crab.

Oh, right, sorry, Ted.

- Dougal, what's that? - What?

This?

Oh, nothing.

Dougal, it's an earring.

Oh, right, it is, all right, yeah.

Dougal, what's gotten into you?

You can't go around wearing an earring.

Ah, no, Ted, all the young priests are wearing them.

Father Damo has one.

Oh, I see.

And did Father Damo give you the idea?

Yeah, he's great.

What next?

I suppose he'll be giving you crack cocaine or something.

Crack cocaine, ah, come on, Ted.

FATHER TED: [sighs]

Well, you'll have to take it out.

Look, Ted, you don't know what's

going on with the young people.

Oh, I was young once.

God, the things we used to get up to in the seminary.

Me and a bunch of the lads there,

once we mitched off to see a Dana concert.

Dana, no one's listening to Dana anymore.

You'd want to be mad to listen to her.

Oh, yeah.

Father Bigley listens to Dana, and he's not mad.

Why is he in that home then?

He's in that home because-- because of those fires.

But that has nothing to do with Dana.

Anyway, you'll have to take that earring out.

Oh, all right.

But I should be allowed to do what I want, Ted.

I am nearly 26, you know.

You still treat me like I was 24.

I'll tell you what, Dougal.

I'll start treating you like a 26-year-old

when you start acting like a 26-year-old.

Anyway, it's time for your bath.

A bath?

No!

[music playing]

Hello, Father.

[music playing]

Hello, Father.

Uh, hello.

How are things?

Fine, fine.

Good.

Well, I'll see you later.

Go, go, go, go, go.

You bastard.

Slag!

Oh.

Hello, Mary.

Hello, Father.

Oh.

Hello, Father.

FATHER TED: Hello, John.

Mary was just washing my hair.

She has such lovely, soft hands.

I-- I was just looking for some fire lighters.

I'll get them.

They're right in the back.

I didn't know Sergeant Hodgins had a helicopter.

Why, yes, he had to get one in because of this whistle thing.

Whistle thing?

Yeah.

Look.

MARY: Isn't it terrible, Father?

The whole island is talking about it.

Who would have thought that law and order would break

down here on Craggy Island?

God help us all, Father.

Yes, but I mean, if it's only a whistle, I mean, you know?

I had to buy myself a shotgun and everything.

I wouldn't hesitate to use that now.

If that man came in and tried to steal

any of the whistles I have in here,

I'll blow his fecking head off his shoulders.

Look, I have it cocked and all, so I can get the job on him.

Would it not be dangerous to have it cocked like that, um?

Ah, no, not at all, Father.

So long as you don't suddenly drop it or something.

There you are.

If they don't work, bring them back,

and we'll give you a refund.

OK, so, thanks very much.

You fecking eejit.

Give it. - Give me that.

Hello, Father.

Did you hear about the whistle being stolen?

Yes, I--

I never thought I'd see the like.

What next?

Somebody'll be murdered, and then where are we?

Drive by shootings in the night-- it

will be like "Boyz N The Hood."

And then they'll have pimps and whores selling

their wares in the streets.

And the pimps will be using crack to keep

the whores under control.

I'm going home now, Father, to lock myself in the basement

until they catch that fella.

Goodbye to you, Father.

Bye.

Unbelievable.

They really are making too big a deal of this.

And look, a special pullout supplement on whistles.

I don't know.

Dougal, aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?

Oh, this is Father Damo.

How are you?

Hello, Father.

Playing the old computer game there?

[phone ringing]

Hello, Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Yes?

Ah, Father Frost, yes, yes, I'll tell him.

Father Damien, Father Frost says you have to go home.

Your tea is ready.

Tell him I'm not going.

I'm having dinner here.

Oh, are you?

Yeah, hello, Father?

Eh, no, he's staying here for dinner.

Um, uh, Father Damien, Father Frost said you

have to go home immediately.

Shite.

Did you tell him I'm having dinner here?

Um, yes.

Well, tell him to feck off, then.

He's happy enough here for the moment, Father.

R-- Right.

O-- OK.

Father Frost said if you don't come home now,

he'll come and get you.

Yeah, tell him that's fine.

I don't care what he does.

He's not the boss of me.

Right.

All right, all right, I'm going.

Tell him I'm going.

I'll see you, Dougal.

All right, yeah.

Dougal, mind this for me.

Oh, right.

I'll get them off you later.

Frosty hates me smoking.

OK, Damien.

You praying, yeah?

Oh, no, they're, uh, they're-- they're Ted's.

- See you, right? - See you.

FATHER TED: Dougal!

Oh, God, what does he want now?

Consonant, please, Carol.

Vowel, um, another consonant.

Vowel.

Consonant.

Richard, where are you going?

Dougal, I am not Richard Whiteley.

Go back to sleep.

You're dreaming.

Consonant.

Put your clothes back on, Carol.

I can't concentrate.

Tea, Father?

Ah, God Almighty, Mrs. Doyle.

What are you doing up?

Oh, I always stay up, Father, in case one of you

needs a cup of tea.

How long have you been doing this?

Oh, about three years now.

But we never get up at night, Mrs. Doyle.

Well, you're up now, aren't you, Father?

Unless I'm hallucinating from lack of sleep,

that's happened before, all right.

I'm just getting my jacket to-- to go for a little walk.

Right, so.

Dougal?

Oh, no.

[music playing]

Dougal, is there anything on your mind?

Let me rephrase that.

Is there anything you want to tell me about, something

bothering you in some way?

Like what, Ted?

Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about?

Have you done thing bad recently, anything wrong?

Wrong?

Yes, Dougal, wrong, you remember right and wrong,

the difference between the two, page one

of how to be a Catholic?

Honestly, Dougal, this is very basic stuff.

What is wrong?

Give me an example of something that's wrong.

Just-- just give me a second, Ted.

I-- I--

Arson, there's one.

Murder, swearing.

Swearing, yeah.

Anything else?

Eh, um, eh, lying.

Well done, Dougal, yes.

Thanks, Ted, oi.

Dougal, are you all right?

I'm fine, Ted.

I just need to sit down.

Sorry about that, Dougal.

I probably pushed you a bit hard there.

No worries, Ted.

Dougal, something else that's wrong is stealing.

What I'm trying to say is that it's wrong to steal.

Stealing is just something you don't do.

- Right, except you. - Yes.

What?

You're allowed to steal.

What are you talking about?

The money from that Lourdes thing.

Different thing altogether, Dougal.

First of all, that money was just resting in my account

before I moved it on.

It was resting for a long time, Ted.

- Yes, but-- - A good long rest.

Look, Dougal, we're not talking about me.

We're talking about you.

Is there anything you want to tell me about?

This, for example?

Father, Sergeant Hodgins and Mr. Benson are here.

Ah, Dougal, uh, Dougal, you just go out and get the--

get the shears. - Right you are.

Hello, Father.

I'm sorry to disturb you like this,

but, uh, I thought we might need to talk about this.

You've heard about the whole whistle business, Father?

When I woke up and saw that my whistle had been stolen,

I went into a state of shock and lost the use of me legs.

Well, one of them, anyhow.

This one is fine, but this one, ho!

Completely lost all feeling, look.

[wails] Sweet Jesus.

Yes, The shock also affected his memory.

It's actually that leg that there's no feeling in.

Anyhow, come on, Father.

Did you hear anything?

About what?

About my whistle, did you hear anything during confession?

No, no.

Now, come on.

The confessional is sacrosanct.

I have had that whistle for 40 years.

It saved my grandfather's life. - Did it really?

It did.

He was being executed by the British.

They had him up against a wall, and they shot him.

And the bullets all hit the whistle in his coat pocket

and bounced off him.

God Almighty.

So he survived?

No, no.

They just reloaded and shot him again.

Listen, Father, I don't want to be saying anything, but, um,

Jim saw someone.

Yes?

Well, he didn't get a good look,

but he did notice something.

The collar, Jim said it was a priest who stole the whistle.

Oh, right, that would be Ted.

What?

Do you remember, Ted?

You were talking about stealing something,

and you showed me the whistle.

You put in your top pocked there.

No, Dougal.

No, it is, Ted. Go on.

Try your top pocket there.

Go on, seriously, now.

I bet you it's in there.

In fact, I'm sure it is.

Give it a go.

It's just a bit more to your right, there.

Yes, Dougal.

Thank you.

[squeals]

Right, yes.

Well, there's an obvious explanation.

Is there, Father?

Oh, yes, of course there is.

What is it, Ted?

Well, I just have to leave the room for a couple of minutes.

But when I return, I will have a full and frank explanation.

It had better be a good one.

Oh, it will be perfectly satisfactory.

Just excuse me for a couple of minutes.

So I hear your babysitter got pregnant.

Father, more visitors.

Father Frost is here.

Get off.

Right.

I believe there's a Mr. Benson who's had a whistle stolen.

That's right. That's me.

- Well, I have the culprit here. - What?

Yeah, yeah, I stole it.

So what?

It's only a bleeding whistle.

I saw this eejit with a whistle on Tuesday.

Then I heard Mr. Benson's whistle had gone missing.

I asked this eejit where he got it,

and he tried to put the blame on Father McGuire.

Sorry about that, Father.

Oh, well, it was my fault for stealing it.

But you didn't steal it, Father.

Oh, right.

He hid it in a packet of cigarettes, apparently.

Oh, well, that must be how we got a hold of it,

because Father Damien gave me the cigarettes to mind.

ALL: Ah.

Right, right, I have a full explanation.

Ah, Father--

We were--

Father Damien, Father Frost, I was

just about to tell everybody why I stole the whistle.

- Uh, no, Father. - No, no, no.

No, I've been dying to get it off my chest

ever since I stole it. - Ted.

Shh, Dougal.

15 years ago, I met a young boy, an orphan.

Both his parents had been killed in some sort

of bizarre accident involving trees.

That's it.

A tree fell on them.

They were both crushed.

This young man, this young man, had nothing to his name,

nothing except a dream. - Ted.

Shut up, Dougal.

That dream was to own his own stable

with prize-winning horses in every bit of the stable.

But tragedy struck.

He was afflicted by a strange disease that affected

his speech so that he could only communicate

by raising his eyebrows, once for yes, twice for no.

"If only I had a whistle so that I could

train my horses to win the Grand National in the Derby,"

he thought.

That boy, that same boy, wrote to me just five weeks ago,

asking if I could--

Ted, Father Damien took the whistle.

Oh, great.

That's-- that's sorted out.

So see you soon.

Hey, now, what's all this about the horses?

Ah, horses, ah, nothing.

I was just going mad there, yeah.

Yes, you have to go.

I have to say one of those masses, yeah.

When's tea ready?

No tea for you, Father Damien.

Good, I don't want any stupid tea.

Dougal, don't put too much faith in people who are "cool."

They're usually just on the fast track to a life of crime.

Father Lennon may have had a trendy haircut,

but he lacked that inner dignity which is part--

[belching]

--of being in the priesthood.

Drink!

With you in a moment, Father.

Yes, the Church is no place for bad apples like Father Damien,

or the Bishop of Galway, or that fellow

that was living with his housekeeper for 14 years,

and that friend to Father Bigley's who

was sending arms out to Iraq.

The list goes on and on and on.

That's not important.

What's important is that we're back to normal.

Well, you're right there, Ted.

So have you, uh, learned anything from your experience?

No.

[theme music]