All language subtitles for F.T.S02E04.1080p.WEB.h264-POPPYCOCK_track3_[eng]

[theme music]

[theme music]

[whirring]

[clatter]

So he's already having
an affair with the sister.

And this is when his wife is
seriously ill in hospital.

Wow.

Incredible, isn't it?

So who does he make
pregnant, but the babysitter?

So now, he doesn't
know whether to stay

with the wife, the sister, or
run off with the babysitter.

When's his next confession?

Tuesday.

I keep a poster.

Anyway, I'm really
looking forward to this.

Ah, me too, Ted.

It's great to take a day
off every now and again.

It shouldn't be just work,
work, work, now, should it?

Yes, it's not as
if everybody's just

going to go and join
some mad religious cult

just because we go out for
a picnic for a few hours.

God, Ted, I heard
about those cults--

everyone dressing in
black and saying our Lord

is going to come back
and judge us all.

No, no, Dougal,
that-- that-- that's us.

That's Catholicism you're
talking about there.

Oh, right, right.

Right, here's the
sandwiches for the picnic.

The rest are in the kitchen.

- Great.
- I hope you enjoy them, Father.

Oh, I love a sandwich
from time to time.

Doesn't matter
what flavor it is,

just as long as it isn't egg.

Because you know how much
I hate egg, Mrs. Doyle.

God, even the smell
of them brings me out

in a terrible rash.
I tell you.

I wouldn't eat an egg
sandwich if you paid me.

They're horrible,
stinking, smelly things,

as I told you before.

Remember me telling you
earlier, Mrs. Doyle, anything

except egg, and how I
wanted anything at all

just as long as it wasn't egg?

They're egg, aren't
they, Mrs. Doyle?

Yes.

I'll eat them, Mrs. Doyle.

I love egg.

Sometimes I think I like eggs
so much that one day I'm going

to turn into a big, giant egg.

I think that process
has already begun.

Sorry, Ted?

No, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Um, so, ready?

Oh, ready as
I'll ever be, Ted.

I don't think I've
ever looked forward

to anything as much as I've
looked forward to this picnic.

Right so.

Oh, wait, Ted.

I just remembered.

I can't go.

[doorbell]

How are you?

Is Dougal here?

[whimpering]

Hello, Father.

Hello, Sergeant.

Just doing the rounds.

On the trail of some
crazed murderer, no doubt.

What was that?

Sorry?

Something about
a crazed murderer.

Where?
When was this?

No, I-- I was only joking.

Oh, right.

But if you ever hear of a
crazed murderer on the loose,

report it.

It would give me
something to do, you know?

Right.

It's very quiet here,
you know, not much crime.

Yes, yes.

So if you hear of
anything, you know--

a car wrongly parked, anything.

Tax up to date on that car?

Ah, it is, yes.

Yeah, I thought it might.

Bye, Sergeant.

Who was that young
priest, Father?

Hm?

Oh, I don't know.

So Father McGuire isn't
going on the picnic then.

No, never mind.

I'm meeting Larry Duff and a few
of the lads from St. Columb's.

Better give them a
call and make sure they

know where they're going.

All egg, yeah?

Yes.

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Ah, hello, Ted.

Hello, Larry.

How are you?

Ah, grand, a bit
of a problem, though.

We might not be able
to make the picnic.

Ah, God, Larry, why?

Ah, well, you know
Father Williams,

who was driving us over?

FATHER TED (ON PHONE):
Billy, yeah, what about him?

Yeah, well, they found
a big box of machine guns

in his house.

I wouldn't have thought he'd
be interested in that type

of thing.

Ah, yeah, well, you
think you know someone.

Anyway, there you go.

Yeah, bye, uh, bye--

Oh, well.

Just myself, I suppose.

[muttering]

Drink!

It's not drink, Father.

It's just fizzy water.

Jacob's Creek
Chardonnay, 1991.

You can tell that
just from the sound?

Drink, drink, drink!

Father, I was thinking of
going on a little picnic,

uh, on my own, outside.

You wouldn't like it, Father.

You'd be much happier here.

I mean, you'd-- I
mean, that is, that--

I'd-- ah.

Here, do you want one?

Uh, no thanks, Father Lennon.

What time is your tea ready?

Frosty usually
has it about 6:00.

No?

Who?

Frosty, Father Frost.

Oh, wow, Frosty, brilliant.

What do you call your father?

Who, Ted?

Yeah.

Oh, just Ted.

But it's the way I
say it, you know?

He's an awful eejit, isn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah, which one do you
prefer, Oasis or Blur?

- Blur.
- What?

Oasis, I mean, Oasis.

Father Damien,
your tea is ready.

I'll be in in a minute.

[snoring]

Great, here we go.

FRANK: What the fup
are you doing here?

This is my fupping spot.

Get the fup off.

Hit him, Frank.

But there's lots of room.

Could you all go over there?

No fupping way.

F-U-P-O-F-F.

Yeah, fup off.

We come here every
fupping Sunday.

But this is Saturday.

Hit him, Frank.

I'll hit him for you.

She fupping would, too, and so
would I, you fupping backstard.

Why are you talking like that?

So fup off, you grasshole.

But I don't see--

That's fupping it.

I'm calling the fupping man.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

[whistle]

[whistle]

What's the problem there?

This backstard
priest is in our spot.

No, ah, we were just--

Put the fork down.

What?

Oh, I wasn't--

BENSON: Put the fork down.

Put the fork down.

Now put your hands very
slowly to your sides.

Slowly.

First, I'm going to put the
megaphone down now, all right?

Nice and easy.

Now, I'm going to reach
inside my pocket, all right?

Nice and slow,
everything's fine.

Cigarette?

No, to be honest,
I'm just going home.

So fup off, you pedrophile.

All right, come on.

Come on.

Nothing to see here.

Come on.

Back to the picnic,
nothing to see here.

[whistling]

Ah, there you are.

You wouldn't believe the
day I had, you wouldn't.

God, I met the rudest couple.

And that fellow, Benson,
with his bloody whistle,

blowing it all the time.

Somebody should
take it off of him.

Anyway, where did you go off to?

Oh, I went off with,
uh, Father Damo Lennon.

He's over with Frosty.

Who?

Eh, Father Frost.

Oh, yes, Father Frost.

He said they might come
over for a bit of a holiday.

Father Damo's great.

Dougal, why are you
walking like that?

Like what, Ted?

Like a crab.

Oh, right, sorry, Ted.

- Dougal, what's that?
- What?

This?

Oh, nothing.

Dougal, it's an earring.

Oh, right, it is,
all right, yeah.

Dougal, what's
gotten into you?

You can't go around
wearing an earring.

Ah, no, Ted, all the young
priests are wearing them.

Father Damo has one.

Oh, I see.

And did Father Damo
give you the idea?

Yeah, he's great.

What next?

I suppose he'll be giving you
crack cocaine or something.

Crack cocaine,
ah, come on, Ted.

FATHER TED: [sighs]

Well, you'll have
to take it out.

Look, Ted, you
don't know what's

going on with the young people.

Oh, I was young once.

God, the things we used to
get up to in the seminary.

Me and a bunch of
the lads there,

once we mitched off
to see a Dana concert.

Dana, no one's
listening to Dana anymore.

You'd want to be mad
to listen to her.

Oh, yeah.

Father Bigley listens to
Dana, and he's not mad.

Why is he in that home then?

He's in that home because--
because of those fires.

But that has nothing
to do with Dana.

Anyway, you'll have to
take that earring out.

Oh, all right.

But I should be allowed
to do what I want, Ted.

I am nearly 26, you know.

You still treat
me like I was 24.

I'll tell you what, Dougal.

I'll start treating
you like a 26-year-old

when you start acting
like a 26-year-old.

Anyway, it's time for your bath.

A bath?

No!

[music playing]

Hello, Father.

[music playing]

Hello, Father.

Uh, hello.

How are things?

Fine, fine.

Good.

Well, I'll see you later.

Go, go, go, go, go.

You bastard.

Slag!

Oh.

Hello, Mary.

Hello, Father.

Oh.

Hello, Father.

FATHER TED: Hello, John.

Mary was just washing my hair.

She has such lovely, soft hands.

I-- I was just looking
for some fire lighters.

I'll get them.

They're right in the back.

I didn't know Sergeant
Hodgins had a helicopter.

Why, yes, he had to get one in
because of this whistle thing.

Whistle thing?

Yeah.

Look.

MARY: Isn't it terrible, Father?

The whole island
is talking about it.

Who would have thought that
law and order would break

down here on Craggy Island?

God help us all, Father.

Yes, but I mean, if it's only
a whistle, I mean, you know?

I had to buy myself a
shotgun and everything.

I wouldn't hesitate
to use that now.

If that man came in
and tried to steal

any of the whistles
I have in here,

I'll blow his fecking
head off his shoulders.

Look, I have it cocked and all,
so I can get the job on him.

Would it not be dangerous to
have it cocked like that, um?

Ah, no, not at all, Father.

So long as you don't suddenly
drop it or something.

There you are.

If they don't work,
bring them back,

and we'll give you a refund.

OK, so, thanks very much.

You fecking eejit.

Give it.
- Give me that.

Hello, Father.

Did you hear about the
whistle being stolen?

Yes, I--

I never thought
I'd see the like.

What next?

Somebody'll be murdered,
and then where are we?

Drive by shootings
in the night-- it

will be like "Boyz N The Hood."

And then they'll have
pimps and whores selling

their wares in the streets.

And the pimps will be
using crack to keep

the whores under control.

I'm going home now, Father,
to lock myself in the basement

until they catch that fella.

Goodbye to you, Father.

Bye.

Unbelievable.

They really are making
too big a deal of this.

And look, a special pullout
supplement on whistles.

I don't know.

Dougal, aren't you going to
introduce me to your friend?

Oh, this is Father Damo.

How are you?

Hello, Father.

Playing the old
computer game there?

[phone ringing]

Hello, Father Ted
Crilly speaking.

Yes?

Ah, Father Frost, yes,
yes, I'll tell him.

Father Damien, Father Frost
says you have to go home.

Your tea is ready.

Tell him I'm not going.

I'm having dinner here.

Oh, are you?

Yeah, hello, Father?

Eh, no, he's staying
here for dinner.

Um, uh, Father Damien,
Father Frost said you

have to go home immediately.

Shite.

Did you tell him I'm
having dinner here?

Um, yes.

Well, tell him
to feck off, then.

He's happy enough here
for the moment, Father.

R-- Right.

O-- OK.

Father Frost said if
you don't come home now,

he'll come and get you.

Yeah, tell him that's fine.

I don't care what he does.

He's not the boss of me.

Right.

All right, all
right, I'm going.

Tell him I'm going.

I'll see you, Dougal.

All right, yeah.

Dougal, mind this for me.

Oh, right.

I'll get them off you later.

Frosty hates me smoking.

OK, Damien.

You praying, yeah?

Oh, no, they're, uh,
they're-- they're Ted's.

- See you, right?
- See you.

FATHER TED: Dougal!

Oh, God, what
does he want now?

Consonant, please, Carol.

Vowel, um, another consonant.

Vowel.

Consonant.

Richard, where are you going?

Dougal, I am not
Richard Whiteley.

Go back to sleep.

You're dreaming.

Consonant.

Put your clothes back on, Carol.

I can't concentrate.

Tea, Father?

Ah, God Almighty, Mrs. Doyle.

What are you doing up?

Oh, I always stay up,
Father, in case one of you

needs a cup of tea.

How long have you
been doing this?

Oh, about three years now.

But we never get up
at night, Mrs. Doyle.

Well, you're up now,
aren't you, Father?

Unless I'm hallucinating
from lack of sleep,

that's happened
before, all right.

I'm just getting my jacket
to-- to go for a little walk.

Right, so.

Dougal?

Oh, no.

[music playing]

Dougal, is there
anything on your mind?

Let me rephrase that.

Is there anything you want
to tell me about, something

bothering you in some way?

Like what, Ted?

Have you done anything you
might be embarrassed about?

Have you done thing bad
recently, anything wrong?

Wrong?

Yes, Dougal, wrong, you
remember right and wrong,

the difference between
the two, page one

of how to be a Catholic?

Honestly, Dougal, this
is very basic stuff.

What is wrong?

Give me an example of
something that's wrong.

Just-- just give
me a second, Ted.

I-- I--

Arson, there's one.

Murder, swearing.

Swearing, yeah.

Anything else?

Eh, um, eh, lying.

Well done, Dougal, yes.

Thanks, Ted, oi.

Dougal, are you all right?

I'm fine, Ted.

I just need to sit down.

Sorry about that, Dougal.

I probably pushed
you a bit hard there.

No worries, Ted.

Dougal, something else
that's wrong is stealing.

What I'm trying to say is
that it's wrong to steal.

Stealing is just
something you don't do.

- Right, except you.
- Yes.

What?

You're allowed to steal.

What are you talking about?

The money from
that Lourdes thing.

Different thing
altogether, Dougal.

First of all, that money was
just resting in my account

before I moved it on.

It was resting for
a long time, Ted.

- Yes, but--
- A good long rest.

Look, Dougal, we're
not talking about me.

We're talking about you.

Is there anything you
want to tell me about?

This, for example?

Father, Sergeant Hodgins
and Mr. Benson are here.

Ah, Dougal, uh, Dougal,
you just go out and get the--

get the shears.
- Right you are.

Hello, Father.

I'm sorry to disturb
you like this,

but, uh, I thought we might
need to talk about this.

You've heard about the whole
whistle business, Father?

When I woke up and saw that
my whistle had been stolen,

I went into a state of shock
and lost the use of me legs.

Well, one of them, anyhow.

This one is fine,
but this one, ho!

Completely lost
all feeling, look.

[wails] Sweet Jesus.

Yes, The shock also
affected his memory.

It's actually that leg
that there's no feeling in.

Anyhow, come on, Father.

Did you hear anything?

About what?

About my whistle, did you
hear anything during confession?

No, no.

Now, come on.

The confessional is sacrosanct.

I have had that
whistle for 40 years.

It saved my grandfather's life.
- Did it really?

It did.

He was being executed
by the British.

They had him up against a
wall, and they shot him.

And the bullets all hit the
whistle in his coat pocket

and bounced off him.

God Almighty.

So he survived?

No, no.

They just reloaded
and shot him again.

Listen, Father, I don't want
to be saying anything, but, um,

Jim saw someone.

Yes?

Well, he didn't
get a good look,

but he did notice something.

The collar, Jim said it was a
priest who stole the whistle.

Oh, right, that would be Ted.

What?

Do you remember, Ted?

You were talking about
stealing something,

and you showed me the whistle.

You put in your
top pocked there.

No, Dougal.

No, it is, Ted.
Go on.

Try your top pocket there.

Go on, seriously, now.

I bet you it's in there.

In fact, I'm sure it is.

Give it a go.

It's just a bit more
to your right, there.

Yes, Dougal.

Thank you.

[squeals]

Right, yes.

Well, there's an
obvious explanation.

Is there, Father?

Oh, yes, of course there is.

What is it, Ted?

Well, I just have to leave the
room for a couple of minutes.

But when I return, I will have
a full and frank explanation.

It had better be a good one.

Oh, it will be
perfectly satisfactory.

Just excuse me for
a couple of minutes.

So I hear your
babysitter got pregnant.

Father, more visitors.

Father Frost is here.

Get off.

Right.

I believe there's a Mr. Benson
who's had a whistle stolen.

That's right.
That's me.

- Well, I have the culprit here.
- What?

Yeah, yeah, I stole it.

So what?

It's only a bleeding whistle.

I saw this eejit with
a whistle on Tuesday.

Then I heard Mr. Benson's
whistle had gone missing.

I asked this eejit
where he got it,

and he tried to put the
blame on Father McGuire.

Sorry about that, Father.

Oh, well, it was my
fault for stealing it.

But you didn't
steal it, Father.

Oh, right.

He hid it in a packet
of cigarettes, apparently.

Oh, well, that must be
how we got a hold of it,

because Father Damien gave
me the cigarettes to mind.

ALL: Ah.

Right, right, I have
a full explanation.

Ah, Father--

We were--

Father Damien,
Father Frost, I was

just about to tell everybody
why I stole the whistle.

- Uh, no, Father.
- No, no, no.

No, I've been dying
to get it off my chest

ever since I stole it.
- Ted.

Shh, Dougal.

15 years ago, I met a
young boy, an orphan.

Both his parents had
been killed in some sort

of bizarre accident
involving trees.

That's it.

A tree fell on them.

They were both crushed.

This young man, this young
man, had nothing to his name,

nothing except a dream.
- Ted.

Shut up, Dougal.

That dream was to
own his own stable

with prize-winning horses
in every bit of the stable.

But tragedy struck.

He was afflicted by a
strange disease that affected

his speech so that he
could only communicate

by raising his eyebrows,
once for yes, twice for no.

"If only I had a
whistle so that I could

train my horses to win the
Grand National in the Derby,"

he thought.

That boy, that same boy, wrote
to me just five weeks ago,

asking if I could--

Ted, Father Damien
took the whistle.

Oh, great.

That's-- that's sorted out.

So see you soon.

Hey, now, what's all
this about the horses?

Ah, horses, ah, nothing.

I was just going
mad there, yeah.

Yes, you have to go.

I have to say one of
those masses, yeah.

When's tea ready?

No tea for you, Father Damien.

Good, I don't
want any stupid tea.

Dougal, don't put too much
faith in people who are "cool."

They're usually just on the
fast track to a life of crime.

Father Lennon may have
had a trendy haircut,

but he lacked that inner
dignity which is part--

[belching]

--of being in the priesthood.

Drink!

With you in a moment, Father.

Yes, the Church is no place for
bad apples like Father Damien,

or the Bishop of
Galway, or that fellow

that was living with his
housekeeper for 14 years,

and that friend to
Father Bigley's who

was sending arms out to Iraq.

The list goes on and on and on.

That's not important.

What's important is that
we're back to normal.

Well, you're right there, Ted.

So have you, uh, learned
anything from your experience?

No.

[theme music]