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1
00:00:05,879 --> 00:00:09,759
[thunder]
2
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:16,960
God, I'm not reading
that book anymore.
3
00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:19,199
It's very scary,
altogether, Ted.
4
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:20,640
Ted?
5
00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:21,960
Yes, what?
6
00:00:22,079 --> 00:00:23,000
Did you ever see a ghost?
7
00:00:25,719 --> 00:00:27,800
Well, Dougal, I'll tell you
something happened to me once.
8
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:29,440
[creepy music in background]
It was years ago.
9
00:00:29,559 --> 00:00:32,920
I was staying with my great
aunt in her house in Connemara.
10
00:00:33,039 --> 00:00:35,560
It was a big house,
miles from anywhere.
11
00:00:35,679 --> 00:00:36,920
Apparently, during
the Great Famine,
12
00:00:37,039 --> 00:00:38,880
a cruel landlord and
his beautiful daughter
13
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:40,439
used to live there.
14
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,399
The story is that he
forbade the daughter
15
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,759
from marrying a young soldier.
16
00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,240
Broke her heart.
17
00:00:46,359 --> 00:00:50,159
And, in her despair, she
hung herself in her bedroom.
18
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,840
The room that I was staying
in was that very bedroom.
19
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,119
(HUSHED) I remember,
it was icy cold
20
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:58,439
and lit by a single candle.
21
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,719
I was drifting off to
sleep, when suddenly I
22
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,880
heard a strange creaking
noise from the far corner
23
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,000
of the room.
24
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:05,079
Was it a ghost?
25
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:06,000
No.
26
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:07,760
[creepy music stops]
27
00:01:07,879 --> 00:01:09,079
So, no, I've never seen a ghost.
28
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,239
I saw one.
29
00:01:16,359 --> 00:01:17,120
Really?
30
00:01:17,239 --> 00:01:18,680
Yes.
31
00:01:18,799 --> 00:01:21,280
It was a man, all
dressed in black.
32
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,120
And I came down one night
for a glass of milk,
33
00:01:23,239 --> 00:01:25,079
and he was just sitting there,
in front of the television,
34
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,560
just there, right?
35
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,079
It was weird.
36
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,719
And, you know, he had this
strange kind of grey hair,
37
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:31,879
even though he wasn't very old.
38
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,319
Ah.
39
00:01:33,439 --> 00:01:38,480
Dougal, Dougal, could
this have been me, at all?
40
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,480
Ah!
41
00:01:40,599 --> 00:01:44,439
[theme music]
42
00:02:07,799 --> 00:02:09,159
[dive-bombing sound]
43
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:10,159
[explosions]
44
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:11,759
[music ends]
45
00:02:12,759 --> 00:02:14,639
[running water]
46
00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:18,000
[exhale] That should do it.
47
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:23,479
[exhale] For pity's sake.
48
00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:31,240
[flush]
49
00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:35,879
Well, it's working now, Ted.
50
00:02:39,639 --> 00:02:43,039
It's broken again.
51
00:02:43,159 --> 00:02:46,199
Maybe it only works
when my head is in it.
52
00:02:46,319 --> 00:02:48,639
Ted, we should
call the plumber.
53
00:02:48,759 --> 00:02:50,879
No, no, I don't want
to get them involved.
54
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,319
Anyhow, I'd be too
embarrassed to tell them
55
00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:53,879
how I broke it in the
first place-- you know,
56
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,360
trying to give it
an extra-hard flush.
57
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,960
Well, now, Ted, I have
to say it was fine for me.
58
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,319
It was a good, powerful
flush, I thought.
59
00:03:03,439 --> 00:03:04,919
I was thinking
more about Jack.
60
00:03:05,039 --> 00:03:06,599
You know it's like
when he's involved.
61
00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:10,439
You want to get that stuff away
as fast and as far as possible.
62
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,000
The best thing would
be for us to flush it
63
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,120
here and have it pop up
somewhere in Sierra Leone.
64
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:16,919
Oh, you're right, there, Ted.
65
00:03:17,039 --> 00:03:18,039
Aha!
66
00:03:18,159 --> 00:03:19,759
Aha!
67
00:03:19,879 --> 00:03:22,080
Ah.
68
00:03:22,199 --> 00:03:24,319
I thought Jack had
stashed something in here.
69
00:03:24,439 --> 00:03:27,000
[sigh] OK.
70
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:28,520
Let's try it now.
71
00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:32,000
[flush]
72
00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:44,680
Girls!
73
00:03:48,759 --> 00:03:49,960
Bloody hell.
74
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,360
Good news, Ted?
75
00:03:51,479 --> 00:03:53,759
No.
76
00:03:53,879 --> 00:03:55,759
Very, very bad news.
77
00:03:55,879 --> 00:03:57,639
It's the Holy Stone
of Clonrichert.
78
00:03:57,759 --> 00:03:59,919
They're going to upgrade
it to Class 2 relic.
79
00:04:00,039 --> 00:04:01,240
Great!
80
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:02,919
No, it's not great.
81
00:04:03,039 --> 00:04:04,639
It means they'll be sending over
a few bishops to do a ceremony.
82
00:04:04,759 --> 00:04:05,879
And you know what they're like.
83
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,400
We'll have to be on
our best behavior.
84
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:08,439
I thought there was something
up with the Holy Stone,
85
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:09,439
all right.
86
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,240
Wasn't someone cured there?
87
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:14,680
No, someone was lured there.
88
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,319
Paddy Short.
89
00:04:16,439 --> 00:04:18,360
And then those fellows started
to beat him with the sticks.
90
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:19,680
Oh that was it, yeah.
91
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,839
The Holy Stone.
92
00:04:22,959 --> 00:04:24,720
It must be even holier
than we thought.
93
00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:26,680
Perhaps it's something to do
with that fellow from England,
94
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:27,800
last year.
95
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,040
He touched it, and
he grew a beard.
96
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,720
Wow, that's weird.
97
00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:32,519
That'd be nearly enough to
upgrade it to a Class 1.
98
00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:34,519
Oh, Class 1 would
be very rare, Dougal.
99
00:04:34,639 --> 00:04:38,759
That would be bringing people
back to life, time travel,
100
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,959
cloning dinosaurs.
101
00:04:41,079 --> 00:04:42,600
Fairly rare.
102
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,360
But there must be millions
of relics all over the world.
103
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,959
How do they know
which ones to do?
104
00:04:46,079 --> 00:04:47,959
Well, there's all these things
they have to think about--
105
00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,279
the history of the
relic, how many miracles
106
00:04:50,399 --> 00:04:51,920
can be attributed to it.
107
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:53,959
All sorts of considerations
go into a decision like that.
108
00:04:57,519 --> 00:04:59,720
What about the Holy
Stone of Clonrichert?
109
00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:00,639
Whatever.
110
00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:06,600
Ah, come on, Ted, cheer up.
111
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:07,519
It may never happen.
112
00:05:07,639 --> 00:05:08,800
Well, it is happening.
113
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:10,120
They're definitely coming.
114
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:11,000
Oh, right, yeah.
115
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,519
But who cares, anyway?
116
00:05:12,639 --> 00:05:14,800
I mean, they come in, they
strip down the wallpaper,
117
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:16,399
they fumigate the
place, and they're gone.
118
00:05:16,519 --> 00:05:17,360
What's so bad about that?
119
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,879
Dougal, they're bishops!
120
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,680
Oh, right, yes.
121
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:30,279
Dougal, what is this confusion
you have about bishops?
122
00:05:30,399 --> 00:05:32,879
Do you actually understand
what they actually do?
123
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,600
Nothing to do with
fumigating houses or anything
124
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,439
like that at all.
125
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:37,680
Have you got that?
126
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:38,680
Got it.
127
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,199
Anyway, Ted, let's play a game.
128
00:05:41,319 --> 00:05:42,240
Get your mind off it.
129
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:43,680
Chess, or Buckaroo!?
130
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:45,519
Uh--
131
00:05:45,639 --> 00:05:46,800
Actually, I
wouldn't mind a game
132
00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:48,360
of the old chess today, meself.
- Really!
133
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:49,240
[laugh]
134
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:50,279
No, only joking, Ted.
135
00:05:50,399 --> 00:05:51,399
Buckeroo!, of course.
136
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,160
But only if you're ready
for a good trashing.
137
00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:00,360
Dougal, you've never
actually beaten me, ever.
138
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,680
Oh, right, yeah.
139
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,720
Still, eh, Buckaroo!--
140
00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:08,560
the sport of kings.
141
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,000
I suppose it won't be so bad.
142
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,759
The bishops will
have a look around
143
00:06:11,879 --> 00:06:15,199
and see that we're a normal,
everyday parish and go away.
144
00:06:15,319 --> 00:06:16,560
Nothing to worry about at all.
145
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:17,560
[whoosh]
146
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:42,480
So the ceremony's on Thursday,
and they're arriving tomorrow.
147
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:43,560
Now, Dougal, this is crucial.
148
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:44,560
Listen to me, all right?
149
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:45,720
All right, Ted.
150
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,240
These bishops
are very important.
151
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,480
I'll stay around you all
the time, just in case,
152
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,000
so you don't say anything
to them that you're
153
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:52,240
not supposed to say to them.
154
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:53,160
Like what?
155
00:06:55,399 --> 00:06:58,160
Like what you said to Bishop
Lindsey, when he asked me where
156
00:06:58,279 --> 00:06:59,879
I was when Kennedy was shot.
157
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,319
Oh, yeah.
158
00:07:01,439 --> 00:07:02,839
I mean, you overreacted
slightly, there.
159
00:07:02,959 --> 00:07:04,120
He wasn't accusing
me of anything.
160
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,040
All right, so.
161
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,800
Ted, do you know any of
the bishops who are coming?
162
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:15,480
I mean, what are they like?
163
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,279
Bishop Facks is a good old
pal of Father Larry Duffs.
164
00:07:18,399 --> 00:07:19,920
I'll try and reach
Larry on his mobile.
165
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:23,639
He's got a new one, with
an extra loud bleep.
166
00:07:23,759 --> 00:07:24,600
Sh!
167
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:27,560
[drumroll]
168
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:33,000
[mobile phone rings]
169
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,000
[squishy thump]
170
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:35,959
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
171
00:07:36,079 --> 00:07:40,519
[mobile phone rings]
172
00:07:40,639 --> 00:07:41,959
God almighty.
173
00:07:42,079 --> 00:07:44,639
Why does he have a mobile,
if he never picks it up?
174
00:07:44,759 --> 00:07:48,839
[sigh] And then we have
the problem with Jack.
175
00:07:48,959 --> 00:07:51,560
Couldn't we just hide
him for a couple of days?
176
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,319
No, they'd hear him
shouting-- "girls!"
177
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,639
Maybe we could train Jack
to say something apart from
178
00:07:58,759 --> 00:08:00,160
"drink" or "feck"
or "girls," like--
179
00:08:00,279 --> 00:08:02,360
like-- like a dog on "That's
Life," a few years ago.
180
00:08:06,399 --> 00:08:09,399
Dougal, Father Jack may
be bad, but he's not a dog.
181
00:08:09,519 --> 00:08:12,600
[panting and scratching]
182
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:13,759
There he is now.
183
00:08:13,879 --> 00:08:14,720
He probably wants to go out.
184
00:08:20,639 --> 00:08:22,959
Wait!
185
00:08:23,079 --> 00:08:26,439
Maybe we could teach him
to say one or two things.
186
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:27,680
Nothing too specific.
187
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,879
A few all-purpose
sentences like "That
188
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,120
would be an ecumenical matter."
189
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,759
Yes, I can't think of
any religious question
190
00:08:36,879 --> 00:08:38,279
that can't be answered by that.
191
00:08:38,399 --> 00:08:39,639
That's what I always say
when people ask me questions.
192
00:08:39,759 --> 00:08:43,279
[laugh] That's the great
thing about Catholicism.
193
00:08:43,399 --> 00:08:45,440
It's so vague, and nobody really
knows what it's all about.
194
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,720
I think it might work, Dougal.
195
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,639
I know it'll work.
196
00:08:54,759 --> 00:08:55,759
It will work.
197
00:08:55,879 --> 00:08:57,679
It won't work, will it, Ted?
198
00:08:57,799 --> 00:09:00,799
It won't, no.
199
00:09:00,919 --> 00:09:03,000
But we have to try.
200
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,440
Right, Father.
201
00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:05,960
Now, we're going to have
a little elocution lesson.
202
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:08,320
Drink!
203
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,480
Now, Father, you can't
be saying that all the time
204
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:11,440
when the bishops come here.
205
00:09:11,559 --> 00:09:12,559
Feck!
206
00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:14,000
No, you can't
say that, either.
207
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,840
Girls!
208
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,759
Look, Father, just let's
go back to, uh, "drink,"
209
00:09:17,879 --> 00:09:18,679
for the moment.
210
00:09:18,799 --> 00:09:19,720
Drink!
211
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:20,960
Right.
212
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,200
Now, I want you to
have a look at this.
213
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,440
Have a go at the
first one, here.
214
00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:25,360
"That."
215
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:26,279
Drink!
216
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,320
No, no, no.
217
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:28,440
"That."
218
00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:29,600
Drink!
219
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:30,720
Now, come on,
Father, concentrate.
220
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:31,639
"That!"
221
00:09:31,759 --> 00:09:33,080
- Drink!
- "That!"
222
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:34,279
- Drink!
- "That!"
223
00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:35,320
- Drink!
- "That!"
224
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:36,120
- Drink!
- "That!"
225
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:36,919
- Drink!
- "That!"
226
00:09:37,039 --> 00:09:37,879
- Drink!
- "That!"
227
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,360
Drink!
228
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:40,919
Now, come on, now, Father,
I know you can do it.
229
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,799
There'll be a little drink
in it for you, if you do it.
230
00:09:42,919 --> 00:09:44,279
- Drink?
- Yes, I promise.
231
00:09:44,399 --> 00:09:45,480
Now, come on.
Try again.
232
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:46,639
"That"?
233
00:09:46,759 --> 00:09:50,000
(STAMMERING)
Th-th-th-th-- drink!
234
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:51,799
Come on now, Father,
you almost had it.
235
00:09:51,919 --> 00:09:52,960
"That!"
236
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:56,879
(STAMMERING)
Th-th-th-th-- that!
237
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:57,799
(YELLING) Great!
238
00:09:57,919 --> 00:09:59,399
That's brilliant, Father!
239
00:09:59,519 --> 00:10:00,840
Let's keep it going,
here, on the next one.
240
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,120
"That would"--
- (YELLING) That--
241
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:03,120
- Wou--
- --w--
242
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,600
- Wou--?
- --w--
243
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,120
"Would!"
Wou--
244
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:07,080
--w-- drink!
245
00:10:13,399 --> 00:10:14,480
Mrs. Doyle?
246
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:15,840
Eh-- you left the cooker on.
247
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,360
All right, Father, I'll
be there in a second.
248
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,919
All right, Father,
everything's ready.
249
00:10:31,039 --> 00:10:33,159
There's a big vat of
tea steaming away.
250
00:10:33,279 --> 00:10:35,120
And I've arranged
the Ferrero Rocher
251
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:38,519
in a big, triangular pile.
252
00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:40,840
Oh, god, Father, I'm so excited.
253
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,320
Taking on three
bishops, all at once!
254
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,240
[gasp] Oh, I can't wait!
255
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:46,840
(CHUCKLING) Right.
256
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,440
You know, Father, I think
this is going to be the greatest
257
00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:51,080
moment of my career.
258
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,919
It's almost as if my whole life
was leading up to this moment.
259
00:10:54,039 --> 00:10:54,919
Uh, Mrs. Doyle?
260
00:10:55,039 --> 00:10:57,840
Uh, Mrs. Doyle, I'm over here.
261
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,360
Oh, so you are, Father!
262
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:00,279
Mrs. Doyle!
263
00:11:00,399 --> 00:11:02,120
[scream]
264
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:06,080
Mrs. Doyle, have you
got your contacts in?
265
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:06,960
No.
266
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,639
A dog ran off with them.
267
00:11:09,759 --> 00:11:11,360
I thought I'd get away
with it, but I suppose
268
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,080
I'll have to wear the glasses.
269
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,039
I don't like wearing
them, Father.
270
00:11:15,159 --> 00:11:17,519
I feel they make me look
like a frustrated old bag.
271
00:11:17,639 --> 00:11:20,600
[laugh] Oh, I
can't imagine that.
272
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,080
I imagine they look absolutely--
273
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,320
[yell]
274
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,480
Oh god, Father,
are they that bad?
275
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:28,960
No.
276
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:32,679
No, no, it was just a scary
film I was thinking of.
277
00:11:32,799 --> 00:11:33,879
They're fine!
278
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,120
Really.
279
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,600
Great, well, uh,
that's much better.
280
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,440
Um-- I'll just go and
check on the tea, so.
281
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:45,440
Father?
282
00:11:45,559 --> 00:11:46,960
Mmm?
283
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,240
Father, I have absolutely
no idea where the door is.
284
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,039
No sign of them yet, Ted.
285
00:11:59,159 --> 00:12:00,840
FATHER TED:
[clears throat] Dougal?
286
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,080
Uh, Dougal, uh, they're here.
287
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,360
Sorry about that,
Bishop O'Neill.
288
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:11,360
You were saying--
289
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,440
Uh, yes, very simple ceremony.
290
00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:15,639
We'll just need
a little incense.
291
00:12:15,759 --> 00:12:16,679
Oh, incense!
292
00:12:16,799 --> 00:12:18,639
[exhale] I don't
know if we-- eh,
293
00:12:18,759 --> 00:12:20,039
Dougal, do you know if
we have any incense?
294
00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:26,759
There was a spider in
the bath, last night.
295
00:12:31,559 --> 00:12:36,480
No, no, Dougal, incense.
296
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,240
Incense.
297
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:39,159
Oh, right, yes.
298
00:12:39,279 --> 00:12:41,440
Um-- no, I don't think so.
299
00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:43,279
Ah-- [nervous laugh]
Do you remember
300
00:12:43,399 --> 00:12:44,960
when we ran out of incense
and, uh, we used the--
301
00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:45,879
[clears throat]
302
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,080
--[inaudible], instead?
303
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:51,480
[clears throat] Well, um,
I'm sure we can find some.
304
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,120
[chuckle] So, are
you, uh, doing much
305
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:55,679
upgrading around the country?
306
00:12:55,799 --> 00:12:58,200
Last month, we
elevated a mushroom
307
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:02,320
field in Cavan to Class 3.
- Great!
308
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,799
Our work takes us
all over the country.
309
00:13:04,919 --> 00:13:08,960
It gives us a chance to get in
touch with the ordinary clergy,
310
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,440
or the "ground troops,"
as I call them.
311
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:15,840
Yes, we're trying to organize
a large meeting at the end
312
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,159
of the year where all
ranks of the clergy
313
00:13:18,279 --> 00:13:22,039
can discuss their views
with representatives
314
00:13:22,159 --> 00:13:24,320
of the lay community.
315
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,480
What do would think,
Father Crilly?
316
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:31,039
[sputtering idly to himself]
Sorry, what?
317
00:13:31,159 --> 00:13:32,759
Do you think a
close relationship
318
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:36,000
with the lay community on this
particular matter is desirable?
319
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:40,399
Or should a certain
distance be maintained?
320
00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:43,320
Uh-- yes.
321
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:44,679
Good question.
322
00:13:44,799 --> 00:13:48,279
[laugh] Um, well, you
know, I think we should
323
00:13:48,399 --> 00:13:51,399
involve the lay community b--
324
00:13:51,519 --> 00:13:53,799
but keep them at a distance.
325
00:13:53,919 --> 00:13:56,039
How much of a distance?
326
00:13:56,159 --> 00:13:58,039
A couple of miles?
327
00:13:58,159 --> 00:14:01,559
Here we are, now,
tea for everyone.
328
00:14:07,559 --> 00:14:08,759
Oh!
329
00:14:08,879 --> 00:14:09,840
Are you all right, Your Grace?
330
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,120
Oh, yes, I--
331
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,480
I-- I had a minor
heart attack last year.
332
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,039
I, uh, have to take it easy.
333
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:17,240
I got a bit of a fright, there.
334
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:18,159
Right.
335
00:14:18,279 --> 00:14:19,720
[chuckle]
336
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,639
It's not a problem, oh, no,
but if you could, uh, just
337
00:14:22,759 --> 00:14:24,879
give us a bit of a warning when
you're going to do anything
338
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:25,759
sudden--
339
00:14:25,879 --> 00:14:26,799
[scream]
340
00:14:26,919 --> 00:14:27,720
Dougal!
341
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:28,759
What are you doing?
342
00:14:28,879 --> 00:14:30,440
Oh!
343
00:14:30,559 --> 00:14:34,480
Sorry, Ted, I just remembered
"Aliens" is on after the news.
344
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,720
Dougal, for God's sake!
345
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,279
I'm sorry, Bishop Jordan.
346
00:14:38,399 --> 00:14:40,039
Did you not hear what he
was saying about his heart?
347
00:14:40,159 --> 00:14:41,159
I know!
348
00:14:41,279 --> 00:14:42,679
It's just, it's
the director's cut.
349
00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:45,000
Come on, everyone, let's all
have a big lads' night in.
350
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:45,960
Dougal!
351
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:47,240
Dougal, just-- just shut up.
352
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,279
[nervous laugh]
A heart attack!
353
00:14:49,399 --> 00:14:51,000
[laugh] That's rare
enough, these days.
354
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:52,200
[laugh]
355
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:53,039
There were certainly
a lot of prayers
356
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:54,360
said for Bishop Jordan--
357
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:55,519
I don't know why we
can't look at "Aliens."
358
00:14:55,639 --> 00:14:56,519
Dougal!
Bishop O'Neill is speaking.
359
00:14:56,639 --> 00:14:57,440
But they'd love it, Ted!
360
00:14:57,559 --> 00:14:58,759
No, they wouldn't!
361
00:14:58,879 --> 00:15:00,240
[laugh] Bishops love sci-fi.
362
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,919
(YELLING) Dougal, we
are not watching "Aliens!"
363
00:15:08,039 --> 00:15:09,120
Anyway, back to religion.
364
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,720
You know what I mean, Father?
365
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,399
Do you see what I'm getting at?
366
00:15:16,519 --> 00:15:19,240
Our first priority
must be to fight back
367
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,039
against the anticlerical
bias of the media!
368
00:15:22,159 --> 00:15:22,919
Yes.
369
00:15:23,039 --> 00:15:26,440
Eh--
370
00:15:28,559 --> 00:15:30,440
Ferrero Rocher?
371
00:15:30,559 --> 00:15:33,600
Father Ted, with these Rocher,
you are really spoiling us.
372
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,639
Mrs. Doyle?
373
00:15:40,759 --> 00:15:42,919
All right.
374
00:15:43,039 --> 00:15:44,679
FATHER TED: Uh, Bishop, I'm
sorry, you were saying--
375
00:15:44,799 --> 00:15:46,200
Oh, yes.
376
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,639
I was saying we have to
fight back against the media.
377
00:15:48,759 --> 00:15:52,440
We-- we must make
our voice heard.
378
00:15:52,559 --> 00:15:53,919
Where is Father Hackett?
379
00:15:54,039 --> 00:15:55,320
Mrs. Doyle?
380
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,200
Eh-- could you get Father
Hackett for us now?
381
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:58,919
Certainly, Father.
382
00:15:59,039 --> 00:16:02,399
I must say, Mrs. Doyle,
they keep you on your feet!
383
00:16:02,519 --> 00:16:05,200
My housekeeper isn't
the best, I'm afraid.
384
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,360
Sometimes I think that
it's me that should
385
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:08,519
be making the tea for her.
386
00:16:08,639 --> 00:16:09,679
[laugh]
387
00:16:09,799 --> 00:16:16,240
[laugh]
[laughing louder and louder]
388
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:17,679
Mrs. Doyle--
389
00:16:17,799 --> 00:16:21,120
[laughing louder and louder]
390
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:22,240
FATHER TED: Mrs. Doyle?
391
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:23,720
Making the tea for her!
392
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:28,159
[laughing louder and louder]
393
00:16:33,679 --> 00:16:35,440
Heh-- sorry about that.
394
00:16:35,559 --> 00:16:36,399
Ah!
395
00:16:36,519 --> 00:16:39,120
Here's Father Hackett, now.
396
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:43,120
[laugh] He's been looking
forward to your visit,
397
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:44,360
haven't you, Father?
398
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:45,399
Yes!
399
00:16:45,519 --> 00:16:47,720
[laugh] This is
Bishop O'Neill.
400
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,080
Don't get up.
401
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,000
Yes!
402
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:52,159
And this is Bishop Facks--
403
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:53,120
Yes!
404
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:55,039
And this is Bishop Jordan--
405
00:16:55,159 --> 00:16:56,399
Yes!
406
00:16:56,519 --> 00:16:59,720
They're looking after
you, then, Father?
407
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:00,799
(LOUDLY) That
would be an ecu--
408
00:17:00,919 --> 00:17:02,039
- Two!
- --yes!
409
00:17:06,079 --> 00:17:08,519
I was just saying, Father,
how I'm looking forward
410
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,839
to discussing the
social effects of some
411
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:12,519
of the church's
thinking as regarding
412
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,400
issues of personal morality.
413
00:17:15,519 --> 00:17:16,720
(WHISPERING) Ecumenical.
414
00:17:16,839 --> 00:17:20,440
(LOUDLY) That would
be an ecumenical matter!
415
00:17:20,559 --> 00:17:21,519
Yes, I--
416
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,960
I suppose it would!
417
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:26,200
That's a good point, Father.
- Yes!
418
00:17:26,319 --> 00:17:27,920
(LOUDLY) That's what we need--
419
00:17:28,039 --> 00:17:31,720
a more positive attitude,
like Father Hackett.
420
00:17:31,839 --> 00:17:32,599
What?
421
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,119
I agree.
422
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,920
I can see Father Hackett
making a valuable contribution,
423
00:17:37,039 --> 00:17:38,240
over the next few days.
424
00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:39,440
Oh, god!
425
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:40,319
Yes!
426
00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:47,480
Heavenly Father,
hear our prayer.
427
00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:51,480
We pray that this rock be
upgraded to a Class 2 relic
428
00:17:51,599 --> 00:17:54,599
and, by the grace of
God, bring healing
429
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:59,000
to all who pass within a radius
of 2 and 1/2 to 3 feet of it,
430
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:00,960
at Your discretion.
431
00:18:01,079 --> 00:18:03,680
And may all who are
healed in such a way
432
00:18:03,799 --> 00:18:07,880
give glory to You, Our Lord,
through Your earthly form
433
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,359
of this Class 2 relic.
434
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:11,279
Amen.
435
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:12,480
Amen.
436
00:18:12,599 --> 00:18:14,240
Eamonn.
437
00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:16,599
I'm sorry for
detaining you, Father.
438
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,000
We'll catch up with
the others in a while.
439
00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:20,559
Yes!
440
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,599
(LAUGHING) I so admire your
positive attitude, Father.
441
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,880
So many people are
cynical about such things.
442
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,519
You can hardly open a
newspaper, these days,
443
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,240
without reading some
trendy, antilcerical article
444
00:18:32,359 --> 00:18:33,839
written by some bearded leftie!
445
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,039
Yes!
446
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,000
(YELLING) A spell
in the army would
447
00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:37,359
do them the world of good!
448
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,440
(LOUDLY) Uh, that would
be an ecumenical matter.
449
00:18:39,559 --> 00:18:42,119
(LAUGHING) Oh,
of course, Father.
450
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,000
It's the media that's
the real enemy.
451
00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:48,599
[inaudible]
conspiratorial pleasures!
452
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,799
(LOUDLY) That
[inaudible] ecumenical--
453
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,160
yes!
454
00:18:53,279 --> 00:18:55,319
(WHISPERING LOUDLY) How
right you are, Father!
455
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,759
How right you are!
456
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,680
So, Father, do you
ever have any doubts
457
00:19:03,799 --> 00:19:07,119
about the religious life?
458
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:08,519
Is your faith ever tested?
459
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:15,599
Anything you've
been worried about?
460
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:20,440
Any doubts you've been having
about any aspects of belief?
461
00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:22,599
Anything like that?
462
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,680
Well, you know the way
God made us all, right,
463
00:19:25,799 --> 00:19:29,240
and, uh, He's looking down at
us from heaven and everything--
464
00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:30,599
Uh-huh--
465
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,240
--and then His Son came
down and saved everyone,
466
00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:33,160
and all that?
467
00:19:33,279 --> 00:19:34,599
Oh, yes?
468
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,480
And, when we die, we're
all going to go to heaven.
469
00:19:37,599 --> 00:19:38,359
Yes.
470
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:39,920
What about it?
471
00:19:40,039 --> 00:19:41,359
Well, (CHUCKLING) that's
the bit I have trouble with.
472
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,200
That is the key to
the matter, Father!
473
00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:51,119
Oh-- when you come face
to face with death, it
474
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,079
makes you think about things.
475
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,720
I saw that film,
recently, "Apollo 14."
476
00:19:57,839 --> 00:20:01,599
And it reminded me of
my own brush with death.
477
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,359
Do you know what I mean?
478
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:08,640
You mean, you were in space
when you had your heart attack?
479
00:20:08,759 --> 00:20:11,519
No, how could I be in space?
480
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,119
Sorry, no, I suppose not.
481
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:16,160
No, I meant I know what it's
like to be close to death.
482
00:20:16,279 --> 00:20:17,480
Yeah.
Great.
483
00:20:17,599 --> 00:20:18,559
I mean, I'm dying to
use the old WC, so I--
484
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,480
Yes, you do that.
485
00:20:20,599 --> 00:20:23,400
I'll stay out here
and take the air.
486
00:20:23,519 --> 00:20:25,720
So, if God has
existed forever,
487
00:20:25,839 --> 00:20:28,000
you know, what did He
do in His spare time,
488
00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:31,799
like, before He made the Earth,
and everything, you know?
489
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,680
Well, we all have doubts.
490
00:20:34,799 --> 00:20:36,559
And what about when
you weren't allowed
491
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,119
to eat meat on Fridays?
492
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,160
How come that's all right
now but it wasn't back then?
493
00:20:41,279 --> 00:20:43,200
I mean, did the people who
ate meat on Fridays back then,
494
00:20:43,319 --> 00:20:44,640
did they all go
to hell, or what?
495
00:20:44,759 --> 00:20:47,079
I mean, it's mad!
496
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,319
He's not bothering you, is he?
497
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:49,680
No.
498
00:20:49,799 --> 00:20:52,240
No, it's-- it's fascinating.
499
00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:56,200
[laugh]
500
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:10,000
[deep, rumbling flush]
501
00:21:13,079 --> 00:21:14,440
Oh!
502
00:21:14,559 --> 00:21:15,519
Oh!
503
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:16,400
Oh!
504
00:21:16,519 --> 00:21:17,400
Oh!
505
00:21:17,519 --> 00:21:18,960
Oh!
506
00:21:19,079 --> 00:21:20,640
Oh, [laugh] there you are.
507
00:21:20,759 --> 00:21:22,119
[laugh] I hope you
had a nice chat.
508
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,039
[laugh]
509
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:24,720
Oh, it was great.
510
00:21:24,839 --> 00:21:27,799
I think I reached some
very interesting conclusions.
511
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,880
Oh.
About what, exactly?
512
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,720
Well, it's nonsense, isn't it?
513
00:21:33,839 --> 00:21:34,720
What is?
514
00:21:34,839 --> 00:21:37,160
Religion.
515
00:21:37,279 --> 00:21:38,160
Uh--
516
00:21:38,279 --> 00:21:39,079
Well, think about it.
517
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,160
Very little evidence.
518
00:21:40,279 --> 00:21:41,119
Blind faith.
519
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,759
That's all we have to go on.
520
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,200
There's not a shred of
proof anywhere, nothing.
521
00:21:45,319 --> 00:21:50,079
Aliens, now, there's something
that might just be possible.
522
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,319
Everlasting life?
523
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,680
Big demons sticking
red hot pokers
524
00:21:54,799 --> 00:21:57,359
up your arse for all eternity?
525
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:58,759
I don't think so.
526
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:02,319
The whole religion thing,
I just don't buy it.
527
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,359
I've been struggling with my
conscience for some time, now,
528
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,440
but Father McGuire was
the first man to spell it
529
00:22:07,559 --> 00:22:08,960
out for me in black and white.
530
00:22:09,079 --> 00:22:09,839
(LAUGHING) Oh--
531
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:10,759
Dougal!
532
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:12,319
What have you been up to?
533
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,400
This man, this man!
534
00:22:15,519 --> 00:22:17,160
Treasure him, Father Crilly.
535
00:22:17,279 --> 00:22:20,720
He has wisdom far
beyond his years.
536
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:21,599
Thanks very much.
537
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,640
[mrs. doyle screams]
538
00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:24,519
Quick!
539
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,000
It's Bishop Jordan!
540
00:22:26,119 --> 00:22:27,440
I think he's dead!
541
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,319
There!
Oh, Lord!
542
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:36,559
[wailing]
543
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:37,640
Yeah.
544
00:22:37,759 --> 00:22:41,160
That's a dustbin, Mrs. Doyle.
545
00:22:41,279 --> 00:22:42,119
There!
546
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,039
Oh, Lord!
547
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,480
[wailing]
548
00:22:45,599 --> 00:22:46,920
Oh, this is terrible.
549
00:22:47,039 --> 00:22:48,559
Where's Bishop Facks?
550
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,000
(CONSPIRATORIALLY) We have
to straighten out the media!
551
00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:54,880
That's the important
thing, Father!
552
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,359
And we have to do it--
553
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:58,400
[whoosh]
(YELLING) --now!
554
00:22:58,519 --> 00:22:59,319
[thump]
555
00:23:00,319 --> 00:23:08,079
[yelling]
556
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,720
Dougal, thank you.
557
00:23:10,839 --> 00:23:12,640
Oh, you're welcome, Bishop.
558
00:23:12,759 --> 00:23:13,839
No, no--
559
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,359
"Eddie."
560
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:17,039
Are you sure you won't,
uh, reconsider your decision?
561
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:19,119
No.
Anyway, it's too late.
562
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,160
I'm off to India for two
months with a few friends.
563
00:23:21,279 --> 00:23:22,039
[car horn honks]
564
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:23,039
Ah, there they are.
565
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:26,480
See you again, then.
566
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,680
Uh, Your Grace?
567
00:23:38,799 --> 00:23:42,000
The Holy Stone, will
it, uh, still be a Class
568
00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:44,920
2, when they, um, remove it?
569
00:23:47,519 --> 00:23:48,319
Bye.
570
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:56,920
God bless.
571
00:24:09,799 --> 00:24:12,880
Went pretty well, I thought.
572
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,880
[theme music]
573
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:37,160
[siren]
574
00:24:43,279 --> 00:24:45,279
[music ends]
575
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,640
[siren fades out]
39207
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