Original subtitles

[thunder]

God, I'm not reading that book anymore.

It's very scary, altogether, Ted.

Ted?

Yes, what?

Did you ever see a ghost?

Well, Dougal, I'll tell you something happened to me once.

[creepy music in background] It was years ago.

I was staying with my great aunt in her house in Connemara.

It was a big house, miles from anywhere.

Apparently, during the Great Famine,

a cruel landlord and his beautiful daughter

used to live there.

The story is that he forbade the daughter

from marrying a young soldier.

Broke her heart.

And, in her despair, she hung herself in her bedroom.

The room that I was staying in was that very bedroom.

(HUSHED) I remember, it was icy cold

and lit by a single candle.

I was drifting off to sleep, when suddenly I

heard a strange creaking noise from the far corner

of the room.

Was it a ghost?

No.

[creepy music stops]

So, no, I've never seen a ghost.

I saw one.

Really?

Yes.

It was a man, all dressed in black.

And I came down one night for a glass of milk,

and he was just sitting there, in front of the television,

just there, right?

It was weird.

And, you know, he had this strange kind of grey hair,

even though he wasn't very old.

Ah.

Dougal, Dougal, could this have been me, at all?

Ah!

[theme music]

[dive-bombing sound]

[explosions]

[music ends]

[running water]

[exhale] That should do it.

[exhale] For pity's sake.

[flush]

Well, it's working now, Ted.

It's broken again.

Maybe it only works when my head is in it.

Ted, we should call the plumber.

No, no, I don't want to get them involved.

Anyhow, I'd be too embarrassed to tell them

how I broke it in the first place-- you know,

trying to give it an extra-hard flush.

Well, now, Ted, I have to say it was fine for me.

It was a good, powerful flush, I thought.

I was thinking more about Jack.

You know it's like when he's involved.

You want to get that stuff away as fast and as far as possible.

The best thing would be for us to flush it

here and have it pop up somewhere in Sierra Leone.

Oh, you're right, there, Ted.

Aha!

Aha!

Ah.

I thought Jack had stashed something in here.

[sigh] OK.

Let's try it now.

[flush]

Girls!

Bloody hell.

Good news, Ted?

No.

Very, very bad news.

It's the Holy Stone of Clonrichert.

They're going to upgrade it to Class 2 relic.

Great!

No, it's not great.

It means they'll be sending over a few bishops to do a ceremony.

And you know what they're like.

We'll have to be on our best behavior.

I thought there was something up with the Holy Stone,

all right.

Wasn't someone cured there?

No, someone was lured there.

Paddy Short.

And then those fellows started to beat him with the sticks.

Oh that was it, yeah.

The Holy Stone.

It must be even holier than we thought.

Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow from England,

last year.

He touched it, and he grew a beard.

Wow, that's weird.

That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.

Oh, Class 1 would be very rare, Dougal.

That would be bringing people back to life, time travel,

cloning dinosaurs.

Fairly rare.

But there must be millions of relics all over the world.

How do they know which ones to do?

Well, there's all these things they have to think about--

the history of the relic, how many miracles

can be attributed to it.

All sorts of considerations go into a decision like that.

What about the Holy Stone of Clonrichert?

Whatever.

Ah, come on, Ted, cheer up.

It may never happen.

Well, it is happening.

They're definitely coming.

Oh, right, yeah.

But who cares, anyway?

I mean, they come in, they strip down the wallpaper,

they fumigate the place, and they're gone.

What's so bad about that?

Dougal, they're bishops!

Oh, right, yes.

Dougal, what is this confusion you have about bishops?

Do you actually understand what they actually do?

Nothing to do with fumigating houses or anything

like that at all.

Have you got that?

Got it.

Anyway, Ted, let's play a game.

Get your mind off it.

Chess, or Buckaroo!?

Uh--

Actually, I wouldn't mind a game

of the old chess today, meself. - Really!

[laugh]

No, only joking, Ted.

Buckeroo!, of course.

But only if you're ready for a good trashing.

Dougal, you've never actually beaten me, ever.

Oh, right, yeah.

Still, eh, Buckaroo!--

the sport of kings.

I suppose it won't be so bad.

The bishops will have a look around

and see that we're a normal, everyday parish and go away.

Nothing to worry about at all.

[whoosh]

So the ceremony's on Thursday, and they're arriving tomorrow.

Now, Dougal, this is crucial.

Listen to me, all right?

All right, Ted.

These bishops are very important.

I'll stay around you all the time, just in case,

so you don't say anything to them that you're

not supposed to say to them.

Like what?

Like what you said to Bishop Lindsey, when he asked me where

I was when Kennedy was shot.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you overreacted slightly, there.

He wasn't accusing me of anything.

All right, so.

Ted, do you know any of the bishops who are coming?

I mean, what are they like?

Bishop Facks is a good old pal of Father Larry Duffs.

I'll try and reach Larry on his mobile.

He's got a new one, with an extra loud bleep.

Sh!

[drumroll]

[mobile phone rings]

[squishy thump]

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

[mobile phone rings]

God almighty.

Why does he have a mobile, if he never picks it up?

[sigh] And then we have the problem with Jack.

Couldn't we just hide him for a couple of days?

No, they'd hear him shouting-- "girls!"

Maybe we could train Jack to say something apart from

"drink" or "feck" or "girls," like--

like-- like a dog on "That's Life," a few years ago.

Dougal, Father Jack may be bad, but he's not a dog.

[panting and scratching]

There he is now.

He probably wants to go out.

Wait!

Maybe we could teach him to say one or two things.

Nothing too specific.

A few all-purpose sentences like "That

would be an ecumenical matter."

Yes, I can't think of any religious question

that can't be answered by that.

That's what I always say when people ask me questions.

[laugh] That's the great thing about Catholicism.

It's so vague, and nobody really knows what it's all about.

I think it might work, Dougal.

I know it'll work.

It will work.

It won't work, will it, Ted?

It won't, no.

But we have to try.

Right, Father.

Now, we're going to have a little elocution lesson.

Drink!

Now, Father, you can't be saying that all the time

when the bishops come here.

Feck!

No, you can't say that, either.

Girls!

Look, Father, just let's go back to, uh, "drink,"

for the moment.

Drink!

Right.

Now, I want you to have a look at this.

Have a go at the first one, here.

"That."

Drink!

No, no, no.

"That."

Drink!

Now, come on, Father, concentrate.

"That!"

- Drink! - "That!"

- Drink! - "That!"

- Drink! - "That!"

- Drink! - "That!"

- Drink! - "That!"

- Drink! - "That!"

Drink!

Now, come on, now, Father, I know you can do it.

There'll be a little drink in it for you, if you do it.

- Drink? - Yes, I promise.

Now, come on. Try again.

"That"?

(STAMMERING) Th-th-th-th-- drink!

Come on now, Father, you almost had it.

"That!"

(STAMMERING) Th-th-th-th-- that!

(YELLING) Great!

That's brilliant, Father!

Let's keep it going, here, on the next one.

"That would"-- - (YELLING) That--

- Wou-- - --w--

- Wou--? - --w--

"Would!" Wou--

--w-- drink!

Mrs. Doyle?

Eh-- you left the cooker on.

All right, Father, I'll be there in a second.

All right, Father, everything's ready.

There's a big vat of tea steaming away.

And I've arranged the Ferrero Rocher

in a big, triangular pile.

Oh, god, Father, I'm so excited.

Taking on three bishops, all at once!

[gasp] Oh, I can't wait!

(CHUCKLING) Right.

You know, Father, I think this is going to be the greatest

moment of my career.

It's almost as if my whole life was leading up to this moment.

Uh, Mrs. Doyle?

Uh, Mrs. Doyle, I'm over here.

Oh, so you are, Father!

Mrs. Doyle!

[scream]

Mrs. Doyle, have you got your contacts in?

No.

A dog ran off with them.

I thought I'd get away with it, but I suppose

I'll have to wear the glasses.

I don't like wearing them, Father.

I feel they make me look like a frustrated old bag.

[laugh] Oh, I can't imagine that.

I imagine they look absolutely--

[yell]

Oh god, Father, are they that bad?

No.

No, no, it was just a scary film I was thinking of.

They're fine!

Really.

Great, well, uh, that's much better.

Um-- I'll just go and check on the tea, so.

Father?

Mmm?

Father, I have absolutely no idea where the door is.

No sign of them yet, Ted.

FATHER TED: [clears throat] Dougal?

Uh, Dougal, uh, they're here.

Sorry about that, Bishop O'Neill.

You were saying--

Uh, yes, very simple ceremony.

We'll just need a little incense.

Oh, incense!

[exhale] I don't know if we-- eh,

Dougal, do you know if we have any incense?

There was a spider in the bath, last night.

No, no, Dougal, incense.

Incense.

Oh, right, yes.

Um-- no, I don't think so.

Ah-- [nervous laugh] Do you remember

when we ran out of incense and, uh, we used the--

[clears throat]

--[inaudible], instead?

[clears throat] Well, um, I'm sure we can find some.

[chuckle] So, are you, uh, doing much

upgrading around the country?

Last month, we elevated a mushroom

field in Cavan to Class 3. - Great!

Our work takes us all over the country.

It gives us a chance to get in touch with the ordinary clergy,

or the "ground troops," as I call them.

Yes, we're trying to organize a large meeting at the end

of the year where all ranks of the clergy

can discuss their views with representatives

of the lay community.

What do would think, Father Crilly?

[sputtering idly to himself] Sorry, what?

Do you think a close relationship

with the lay community on this particular matter is desirable?

Or should a certain distance be maintained?

Uh-- yes.

Good question.

[laugh] Um, well, you know, I think we should

involve the lay community b--

but keep them at a distance.

How much of a distance?

A couple of miles?

Here we are, now, tea for everyone.

Oh!

Are you all right, Your Grace?

Oh, yes, I--

I-- I had a minor heart attack last year.

I, uh, have to take it easy.

I got a bit of a fright, there.

Right.

[chuckle]

It's not a problem, oh, no, but if you could, uh, just

give us a bit of a warning when you're going to do anything

sudden--

[scream]

Dougal!

What are you doing?

Oh!

Sorry, Ted, I just remembered "Aliens" is on after the news.

Dougal, for God's sake!

I'm sorry, Bishop Jordan.

Did you not hear what he was saying about his heart?

I know!

It's just, it's the director's cut.

Come on, everyone, let's all have a big lads' night in.

Dougal!

Dougal, just-- just shut up.

[nervous laugh] A heart attack!

[laugh] That's rare enough, these days.

[laugh]

There were certainly a lot of prayers

said for Bishop Jordan--

I don't know why we can't look at "Aliens."

Dougal! Bishop O'Neill is speaking.

But they'd love it, Ted!

No, they wouldn't!

[laugh] Bishops love sci-fi.

(YELLING) Dougal, we are not watching "Aliens!"

Anyway, back to religion.

You know what I mean, Father?

Do you see what I'm getting at?

Our first priority must be to fight back

against the anticlerical bias of the media!

Yes.

Eh--

Ferrero Rocher?

Father Ted, with these Rocher, you are really spoiling us.

Mrs. Doyle?

All right.

FATHER TED: Uh, Bishop, I'm sorry, you were saying--

Oh, yes.

I was saying we have to fight back against the media.

We-- we must make our voice heard.

Where is Father Hackett?

Mrs. Doyle?

Eh-- could you get Father Hackett for us now?

Certainly, Father.

I must say, Mrs. Doyle, they keep you on your feet!

My housekeeper isn't the best, I'm afraid.

Sometimes I think that it's me that should

be making the tea for her.

[laugh]

[laugh] [laughing louder and louder]

Mrs. Doyle--

[laughing louder and louder]

FATHER TED: Mrs. Doyle?

Making the tea for her!

[laughing louder and louder]

Heh-- sorry about that.

Ah!

Here's Father Hackett, now.

[laugh] He's been looking forward to your visit,

haven't you, Father?

Yes!

[laugh] This is Bishop O'Neill.

Don't get up.

Yes!

And this is Bishop Facks--

Yes!

And this is Bishop Jordan--

Yes!

They're looking after you, then, Father?

(LOUDLY) That would be an ecu--

- Two! - --yes!

I was just saying, Father, how I'm looking forward

to discussing the social effects of some

of the church's thinking as regarding

issues of personal morality.

(WHISPERING) Ecumenical.

(LOUDLY) That would be an ecumenical matter!

Yes, I--

I suppose it would!

That's a good point, Father. - Yes!

(LOUDLY) That's what we need--

a more positive attitude, like Father Hackett.

What?

I agree.

I can see Father Hackett making a valuable contribution,

over the next few days.

Oh, god!

Yes!

Heavenly Father, hear our prayer.

We pray that this rock be upgraded to a Class 2 relic

and, by the grace of God, bring healing

to all who pass within a radius of 2 and 1/2 to 3 feet of it,

at Your discretion.

And may all who are healed in such a way

give glory to You, Our Lord, through Your earthly form

of this Class 2 relic.

Amen.

Amen.

Eamonn.

I'm sorry for detaining you, Father.

We'll catch up with the others in a while.

Yes!

(LAUGHING) I so admire your positive attitude, Father.

So many people are cynical about such things.

You can hardly open a newspaper, these days,

without reading some trendy, antilcerical article

written by some bearded leftie!

Yes!

(YELLING) A spell in the army would

do them the world of good!

(LOUDLY) Uh, that would be an ecumenical matter.

(LAUGHING) Oh, of course, Father.

It's the media that's the real enemy.

[inaudible] conspiratorial pleasures!

(LOUDLY) That [inaudible] ecumenical--

yes!

(WHISPERING LOUDLY) How right you are, Father!

How right you are!

So, Father, do you ever have any doubts

about the religious life?

Is your faith ever tested?

Anything you've been worried about?

Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief?

Anything like that?

Well, you know the way God made us all, right,

and, uh, He's looking down at us from heaven and everything--

Uh-huh--

--and then His Son came down and saved everyone,

and all that?

Oh, yes?

And, when we die, we're all going to go to heaven.

Yes.

What about it?

Well, (CHUCKLING) that's the bit I have trouble with.

That is the key to the matter, Father!

Oh-- when you come face to face with death, it

makes you think about things.

I saw that film, recently, "Apollo 14."

And it reminded me of my own brush with death.

Do you know what I mean?

You mean, you were in space when you had your heart attack?

No, how could I be in space?

Sorry, no, I suppose not.

No, I meant I know what it's like to be close to death.

Yeah. Great.

I mean, I'm dying to use the old WC, so I--

Yes, you do that.

I'll stay out here and take the air.

So, if God has existed forever,

you know, what did He do in His spare time,

like, before He made the Earth, and everything, you know?

Well, we all have doubts.

And what about when you weren't allowed

to eat meat on Fridays?

How come that's all right now but it wasn't back then?

I mean, did the people who ate meat on Fridays back then,

did they all go to hell, or what?

I mean, it's mad!

He's not bothering you, is he?

No.

No, it's-- it's fascinating.

[laugh]

[deep, rumbling flush]

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, [laugh] there you are.

[laugh] I hope you had a nice chat.

[laugh]

Oh, it was great.

I think I reached some very interesting conclusions.

Oh. About what, exactly?

Well, it's nonsense, isn't it?

What is?

Religion.

Uh--

Well, think about it.

Very little evidence.

Blind faith.

That's all we have to go on.

There's not a shred of proof anywhere, nothing.

Aliens, now, there's something that might just be possible.

Everlasting life?

Big demons sticking red hot pokers

up your arse for all eternity?

I don't think so.

The whole religion thing, I just don't buy it.

I've been struggling with my conscience for some time, now,

but Father McGuire was the first man to spell it

out for me in black and white.

(LAUGHING) Oh--

Dougal!

What have you been up to?

This man, this man!

Treasure him, Father Crilly.

He has wisdom far beyond his years.

Thanks very much.

[mrs. doyle screams]

Quick!

It's Bishop Jordan!

I think he's dead!

There! Oh, Lord!

[wailing]

Yeah.

That's a dustbin, Mrs. Doyle.

There!

Oh, Lord!

[wailing]

Oh, this is terrible.

Where's Bishop Facks?

(CONSPIRATORIALLY) We have to straighten out the media!

That's the important thing, Father!

And we have to do it--

[whoosh] (YELLING) --now!

[thump]

[yelling]

Dougal, thank you.

Oh, you're welcome, Bishop.

No, no--

"Eddie."

Are you sure you won't, uh, reconsider your decision?

No. Anyway, it's too late.

I'm off to India for two months with a few friends.

[car horn honks]

Ah, there they are.

See you again, then.

Uh, Your Grace?

The Holy Stone, will it, uh, still be a Class

2, when they, um, remove it?

Bye.

God bless.

Went pretty well, I thought.

[theme music]

[siren]

[music ends]

[siren fades out]