Original subtitles

[music playing]

[sound of bomb dropping]

[explosion]

Now Tom, this is the first time

you'll have been trusted with such a large consignment

of raw sewage.

Are you sure you'll be all right?

Oh, yeah.

Don't be worried about me at all.

Remember, Tom, this is the button that opens the doors,

and this is the button that makes the sewage shoot out.

This one's for the doors and this one shoves the stuff out,

not the other way around.

Right you are, yeah.

Good luck, son.

[truck engine starting]

July the 19th.

Why does that strike me as important?

Yes.

July 19th, I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks.

I'm sorry?

I said, I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks.

Have you been reading those Roddy

Doyle books again, Dougal?

I have, yeah, Ted, you big dog shite.

Yes, well, that's all very well.

But you have to remember, they're just stories.

Normal people like us don't use that type of language.

Remember this is the real world.

Oh, you're right there, Ted.

Anyway, any idea why July the 19th should be so important?

Would that be the day the Ice Age ended?

No, Dougal.

We can't be that precise about the Ice Age.

I'll look it up in the diary.

July 19th-- on this day, Galway liberated from Indians,

and Marathon become Snickers.

Ah ha, Ted, Ice Age ends.

Time for tea, Fathers.

Mrs. Doyle, does anything strike you as

important about July the 19th?

It doesn't matter what day it is, Father.

There's always time for a nice cup of tea.

I'm sure, didn't our Lord Himself

on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea

before giving himself up for the world?

No, he didn't, Mrs. Doyle.

Whatever equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake,

or whatever.

And speaking of cake, I have cake.

I'm fine for cake, Mrs. Doyle.

Are you sure, father?

There's cocaine in it.

There's what?

Oh, no, not cocaine-- what am I on about?

No, I meant-- what you call them, raisins.

Right.

I won't, thanks.

Ah, you will.

See, it's only small.

It's just a tiny little cake.

You won't even feel it going in.

You won't even know you're eating it.

No, I will know I'm eating it, Mrs. Doyle.

No, you won't. You look at the size of it.

It's hardly even a cake.

It's a micro-cake.

Mrs. Doyle, I really won't have any cake.

Ah, come on now.

It's got raisins, cherries, cinnamon--

- Cinnamon? - Oh, yes.

Well, actually, I do love cinnamon.

OK, Mrs. Doyle, what the heck?

I'll have one.

Great!

No!

No, Father, I'm forcing you.

No, no, you're not.

Really, I love cinnamon.

No, no, you're just being polite.

But if you don't want any, all you have to do

is say no, just that one little word, no.

It's a lovely word our Lord gave us to use here on Earth

when we don't want any cake.

Yes, but just this once, I'd actually

love some cake, Mrs. Doyle.

Well, you can't have any!

I want cake!

No, no, I'm just going out to have these destroyed.

I'm sorry about that.

Anyway, this day thing is bothering me now.

July 19th-- is there something we always do on July the 19th?

MAN (FROM OTHER ROOM): Freeze!

Is this something to do with Jack?

Maybe. Oh, God.

It's not his bath is it?

Oh, no, Ted, no.

It couldn't be.

No, wait, wait. Calm down.

Wait!

He's just had his bath.

Remember, just before Christmas.

Oh, thank God for that.

Oh, God Almighty.

Oh. - You OK?

Oh, I think so.

So what can it be?

Ah ha.

Holiday.

Come on, Dougal.

We'd better get moving.

Where are we going holidays, Ted?

God, I don't know.

Pearson's?

Pearson's?

No, Mr. Pearson doesn't really like people staying

with him on their holidays.

It's not actually a guest house.

Is it not?

No, didn't you remember the big argument

we had with him last year when we tried to stay a second week?

Wait.

Do you know what we do?

Father O'Roarke has that caravan.

And he said we could use it anytime we wanted.

Oh, no, Ted.

No, not again-- it's very small, that caravan.

No, no, he's got a new one.

Apparently, it's twice as big.

Let's go.

[car engine starting]

He said it was the one at the end.

There it is, Ted, look!

It's huge!

Calm down.

Will you?

We're here, Father.

Eggnog.

I think it's the best caravan in the whole world.

Dougal, where's the trailer with all the stuff in it?

Next thing you'll be telling me you didn't lock the front door.

Oh, Ted, come on.

Great!

In a minute, Father, I promise you.

This is great, isn't it, Ted?

Telly and all.

This is what it's all about.

Wait a second.

You got to do my back.

I'm wrinkling up like a raisin in there.

I'll be back in a sec.

Father Ted Crilly.

Craggy Island, Rocket House, Craggy Island.

That's C-R-A-G-G-Y Island.

Honestly, officer, I can't apologize enough.

God, that was so embarrassing.

Ted, if that's not our one, which one is?

[brakes squeaking]

So this is great.

And you know, it is bigger than last year's one.

What'll we do first, Ted?

Well, we'll take it easy for a while.

I think we should, you know, just get

settled into the old caravan.

Right, that's enough of that.

Where will we go?

Oh, here is a booklet, Ted.

Places of interest--

St. Kevin's dump, sounds good.

The magic road, oh.

Ooh.

Two places of interest.

What's the magic road, Ted?

It's one of those bizarre natural wonders

where everything's gone haywire and nothing works the way

it's supposed to.

It's a bit like you, Dougal, except it's a road.

I still don't understand.

It's a kind of a mad road?

Yes, it's what's called a strange phenomenon.

If you stopped a car on it and took off the handbrake,

it would roll uphill, and water would flow up it.

That's nearly as mad as that thing

you told me about the loaves and the fishes.

No, Dougal, that's not mad.

That's when our Lord got just one or two bits of food,

and turned it into a whole pile of food,

and everyone had it for dinner.

God, he was fantastic, wasn't he?

He's brilliant.

Father Jack, do you have any preferences?

Holiday!

Yes, we're on holiday.

Would you like to go anywhere?

What?

Would you like to go somewhere?

Who are you?

I was just asking.

Would you like to go somewhere now that we're here?

Would you like to go for a lovely walk?

I like cake.

Yes.

I think I'll just stop talking to Father Jack now.

Where am I?

What's that thing there?

Are those my feet?

God, let's just get him to sleep,

and we'll head off ourselves.

OK, Father, into your box.

Arse!

Girls!

Eh--

OK, boss, let's go look for the Magic Road.

The holiday starts here, Dougal.

[torrential downpour]

Come on.

Let's play Scrabble.

Did you bring the Travel Scrabble, Dougal?

I brought the normal Scrabble and the Travel Scrabble, Ted.

The Travel Scrabble for when we were traveling,

and the normal Scrabble for when we arrived.

Good man.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

Now that I think of it, I didn't bring either of them.

Right.

God, I'm an awful idiot.

So what'll we do for the next two weeks.

Well, we'll put on the kettle.

Yeah, go on.

[kettle roaring]

Must be one of the ones that clicks off automatically.

Yes.

Bit of steam there, huh?

Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?

No.

Right.

Kettle's boiling there, Ted.

Yeah.

Will I put more water in and turn it on again?

No, I liked it best the first time.

Maybe we could turn it on without putting any water

in at all, see what happens.

I don't think you should do that, as it would just blow up,

and you'd be picking lumps of metal out of your face

for the next year and a half.

You'd get big red blotches and puffy fish lips

bigger than the rest of your face.

Like Father Bigly.

Exactly like Father Bigly.

Maybe that's what happened to him.

96, 97, 98, 99, 100.

Coming, ready or not.

Found you.

Aww!

Your go.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

OK, one last time, these are small.

But the ones out there are far away--

small, far away.

Ah, forget it!

[animals galloping]

Ted, you know the way your eyes

sometimes play tricks on you?

I know, Father Larry Duff.

Ah, Larry.

He sometimes comes around this area when he gets a break.

He's tremendous fun.

I'll give him a call on his mobile phone.

I got him one for Christmas.

He's always complaining that nobody rings him on it.

[singing] Da da da da da da da.

Da da da da da--

[telephone ringing]

[screaming] Ah!

Must have it switched off.

Why is it called St. Kevin's Stump?

Doesn't say.

So is this what all holidays are like, Ted?

Actually, yeah.

Anyway, we'd better get back to Jack.

Ah, he's fine.

He said he'd stay put by the cliffs.

[snoring] Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

Can we go over to the rock and back, Ted?

Well.

Come on, Ted.

We're on holidays.

Live a little.

All right.

But we'd better get back to Jack soon.

Drink!

Drink!

Ah!

[water splashing]

Well, here we are.

Hm.

Will we go over to that fence now, Ted?

No, we might just blow off the excitement if we did that now.

We should save something for next week.

[moaning]

Father Ted Crilly, Craggy Island Rocket House, C-R--

I guess you know how all that.

Listen, you know the whole business

of reporting missing persons?

I've heard of it, yes?

Well, does it cost any money to report a missing person?

No. Great.

Tell you what.

We seem to have lost one of our party, Father Jack Hackett.

God, how would you describe him?

Mid-fifties to mid-eighties.

Tremendous amount of vegetables, often, for some reason.

Angry man, very angry man.

Hates children, likes the odd drink, and if you find him,

don't come up on him from behind.

He won't like that at all.

And one thing, do you carry those electric stunner gadgets?

No, why?

No reason.

All right.

Anything else I can do for you while I'm here?

Want to confess to any unsolved murders or anything?

Ha ha, no, we're fine for the old unsolved murders.

God, some holiday this is turning out to be.

Come on.

At least now Jack's on, there will

be more room in the caravan.

[singing together] Ebony and ivory live

together in perfect harmony, side

by side on my piano keyboard.

Oh, lord, why can't we?

Ted!

Hello, Noel.

What in goodness name are you doing here?

Well, actually, this is our caravan.

Father O'Roarke said we could use it.

Yes, so I see.

I think he must say it to everyone.

Hey, you lads.

Room for two more in the St. Luke's youth group?

- Uh. - More is best!

Sit down there.

And we'll have a bit of an old song.

What can we sing?

Will you sing one, Ted?

No, I won't sing.

You will.

You have a lovely voice, very like Celine Dion.

Well, you'll dance then. Come on, Tony.

Set down the old "Riverdance" album.

Actually, you know, I'm quite tired.

What?

Maybe you're right, actually.

We're all a bit exhausted from the old singing.

Some of us overdid it down the old local last night.

Gerry Fields knows who I'm talking about, huh?

What, eh?

Yeah.

Oh, you know, we've arrived back at what,

must have been half 10.

Some of us crawled in.

Jeanine Reilly knows what I'm talking about there, don't you?

Don't you?

Yeah.

And she wasn't the only one, Tony Lynch.

Tony Lynch, he knows.

Ha ha.

Look at him there all sweetness and light.

But he wasn't like that last night when he crawled

into bed at 10 past the eleven.

Oh!

I've been old for long.

You're a fine young fella.

What age would you say I am?

Go on, guess. What age would you say?

Don't you tell him. Hee hee, he knows.

Look at him, there.

I can tell.

Go on, guess, what would you say?

40.

Ted!

Haven't see you in ages.

How are you?

(SINGING) I saw the whole of the moon!

Come on, Tony!

Sing out!

(SINGING) --at your heels!

You reached for the starts and you know how it is feels.

Too high, a ha ha!

Too far!

Too soon!

You saw the whole of the moon.

Whoo!

(SINGING) Dirty old town.

Dirty old town.

Oh, God, Ted, they have me worn out.

They're a mad crowd.

What time is it?

Half 10?

We should all go to bed.

Where's Tony Lynch off to?

Probably to get some heroin.

No, I'm just going to the toilet, Father.

Ooh, nice.

Anyone else need to go, Ted, Dougal?

Are you OK?

We're grand, thanks, Noel.

Are you sure now, Ted?

You don't need a little tinkle?

I'm fine, thanks.

I'll go again.

The worst thing would be to keep it in,

because your bladder could go mental.

Yes.

A friend of mine, Father Sweeney,

he had a very small bladder.

About the size of a Terry's chocolate orange.

No!

Really!

I'm fine, OK?

I'm fine.

You're like a bunch of camels.

Anyway, we'll get the sleeping bags out.

Will it not be a bit cramped, Noel?

Not at all, the more the merrier.

St. Collins had a great old football team in the mid-'50s.

Do you remember, Ted, they won the Father Fitzgibbon cup?

Father Fitzgibbon, thing about him was he looked like a cup.

Great big ears, like handles.

Do you remember him, Ted?

Ted?

Ted, are you asleep? Do you remember him?

Yes!

I remember him, Noel.

[muffled moan]

Who's a bit of a moaning Michael tonight?

God almighty, it's nearly six o'clock in the morning.

I think what we should all do now

is tell a few ghost stories?

Ted?

Yes?

I'm going mad.

Yes, let's get out of here.

Let's go home.

Ooh.

Who's that now?

Is that Jerry Fields heading out for the disco?

It's only us, Noel.

We're just heading out for some fresh air.

Don't forget to bring us back some.

Right, so.

You fucking idiot.

Father Jack?

Chances are, he's gone back to Craggy Island.

He has an amazing homing instinct.

I wouldn't be surprised if we opened the front door to find

him there with a big smile on his face

and his arms outstretched to welcome us back.

What?

Well, maybe not the smile on his face,

or the outstretched arms, or the welcome back.

But he's probably there.

Oh, God, Dougal. Here's the man.

Quick, I don't want him to see us.

[screaming] Jerry!

Jerry!

Jerry!

Open!

Please open.

You're all right there, Ted.

He's a fair bit away yet.

It might be worth speeding up there a bit, Ted.

[door opens]

Sorry about that.

Bloody perverts!

So Ted, he's probably very cold now

that his towel has blown away.

Maybe we should let him off.

I've been thinking about that for ages.

Just I'm sure he's going to start giving out to us.

We could pretend we didn't see him.

I don't think he'd believe us.

Oh, we better let him off, Ted.

Oh, all right.

I suppose so.

[brakes screech]

Oh!

Get out of the car!

Hello, again.

Get out of the car!

Right.

I think he's calming down a bit.

Uh, no.

No! [air hissing out of tires]

Ah! Enough!

No, come on.

There's no need for that type of nonsense.

He's puncturing the tires, Ted.

I can tell you're impressing nobody with that type of thing.

Oh, Ted.

I'm so tired.

Maybe we should go back.

No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not going anywhere

near Noel Furlong again.

God knows what they're getting up to by now.

[music - "riverdance"]

[FIRE ENGINE RUNNING, SIREN WAILING]

[horn blaring]

Hurry, Ted.

There's a big truck.

They can give us a lift!

Oh, thank God!

Hello, fellows.

Oh, thank God, Tom.

We need a lift.

Fair enough, fellows. Us Hold on there.

I'll open the door.

[pushes button]

[gurgling sounds]

[spraying sound]

Sorry about that, fellows.

[muttering in sleep]

Father!

You're awake!

Elizabeth!

Oh, God, it took us ages to pull you on board.

[muttering]

Will you have something to drink?

97, 98, 99, 100.

Come on, now, ready or not.