All language subtitles for F.T.S02E00.A.Christmassy.Ted.1080p.WEB.h264-POPPYCOCK_track3_[eng]

You know, I've been doing
a lot of thinking recently,

and well, I just don't think
I'm cut out for the priesthood.

I think it's time you
and I faced facts.

But, Father, you're one of
the best priests in the country,

if not the best.

Assumpta, Assumpta, Assumpta,
what are we running from this?

You know what I'm
talking about, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I-- I suppose I do.

I'll be off then.

I said, I'll--
- Yeah, bye.

Yeah, bye.

Come here, you.

- Ted!
- What?

What?

Would you like a peanut?

A peanut?

You woke me to
offer me a peanut?

God, Dougal.

Oh, sorry, Ted.

Go to bed.

Now, where were we?

[theme music]

You ready?

Here we go.

1, 2, 3.

Hey.
- They're on?

Oh, they are, Ted.

Oh, wait, now.

What?

They've gone off again.

That's it, Ted.
They're back.

No.

They're gone again.

Oh, God, Ted.

That's it, Ted, you're a genius.

Gone, back.
Gone.

Back.

Gone.

Back.

Gone.

Back.

Dougal, just sit down.

Oh, Ted, can I open another
window on the advent calendar

first?

All right, then, but
remember, you are just

allowed to open today's window,

Oh, a shepherd.

Great.

Fantastic stuff.

Oh, God, Ted, can I
not open the other two?

No, Dougal.

Oh, Ted, I can't
wait to find out

what's behind tomorrow's one.

I bet it's a donkey
or something.

All right, so you've changed
from your initial prediction.

What was it again?

Lewd harlot sitting
on a shed, wasn't it?

God almighty, Dougal, where
do you get these things?

Do you know what?

I'd say it's probably
just a lovely angel.

What would you say is behind
tomorrow's window, Father Jack?

A pair of fickle
woman's nickers.

Well, who knows?

Nickers.

Yes, Father.

Woman's nickers.

Yes, Father.

Yes.

Message understood.

God almighty.

Dougal, leave the
calendar until tomorrow.

There.

Ah, dear, another year gone.

It's hard to believe, isn't it?

I mean, what's it
all about, Dougal?

Well, it doesn't
really have a story, Ted.

You know, it's just
about football and stuff.

No, Dougal, I mean life.

You know, you slave
away attending

to the needs of
your parishioners,

and what do you get?

A one way ticket
to Palookaville.

You know, I looked in
the mirror this morning,

and I saw a middle aged, gray
haired man staring back at me.

Who was that, Ted?

Me, Dougal.

Oh, yes, of course.

It's just that I got a
Christmas card yesterday

from Father Jess Flavin.

He's in Montana.

He makes $50,000 a year
and $2,000 in tips.

Brilliant.

How does he manage that?

Oh, I don't know.

Lap dancing or something.

Then there's Father
Buzz Dolan in Canada.

He has his own show on cable,
and I hear he's landed a bit

part in the new Bond movie.

It all started for him when he
won that Golden Cleric Award.

Wow.

It must be great to be famous.

Do you know what I'd
love about being famous?

People listen to you.

They listen to what you have to
say, and I have a lot to say.

What about when you're
doing your sermons, Ted?

People listen to you
then, don't they?

No, Dougal.
I mean people I respect.

I suppose the great
thing would be--

[interposing voices]

You see, you just talked
right across me there.

Even you don't listen to me.

I do, Ted.

Now, that's not fair.

Well, I--

[interposing voices]

So Father, are you looking
forward to Christmas?

I am, indeed, Mrs. Doyle.

A nice, quiet Christmas,
that's what I want.

A nice, quiet Christmas
with no unusual incidents

or strange people turning up.

That would suit me
down to the ground.

A nice, quiet, normal,
everyday Christmas.

[doorbell]

Oh, there's the door.

I'm sorry.

Is this Mrs. Riley's house?

No, that's just down the road.

Thanks very much.

Who was that, Ted?

It was just some woman
looking for Riley's house.

She had a baby with her.

For a moment, I
thought somebody had

just left it on our doorstep.

God, Ted, could you imagine
what would have happened

if she'd left it with us?

Yes.

We'd have been looking
after it and everything

and getting into all
sorts of hilarious jams.

The whole thing would have
been very, very funny.

Well, it wouldn't have
been that funny, Ted.

Actually, no.

And the liquids
just come out here.

Now, you've already punched
in your selection for milk

and sugar, so all the
work is taken out of it,

leaving the modern
woman plenty of time

for running a
business or skiing.

Simple flick of the switch,
and you can access coffee,

hot chocolate, or Horlicks.

Yes, Tea Master really takes
the misery out of making tea.

Well, what do you think?

Maybe I like the misery.

Yes, I though some
perfume for Mrs. Doyle.

Good idea, Ted.

Perfume is the ideal
woman present, isn't it?

Yes, well, that's why
God invented perfume,

so you don't have to put any
thought into it whatsoever.

Oh, where did you manage
to stick Jack in the end?

Oh, they've got
this great place,

Ted, where you can put people
who don't want to go shopping.

They can just stay
there and have a laugh.

Really?

Never heard of that.

But there are
other people there?

Oh, loads of people, Ted.

He'll be fine.

Perfume, perfume.

You think you'd
be able to smell it.

Where exactly are we now?

Well, we're in the--

in the-- oh, God.

We're in lingerie.

Dougal, we're in lingerie.

What's the problem there, Ted?

Think about it, Dougal,
twp priests hanging

around ladies' secret things.

It just doesn't look good.

Where is the exit?

We're in bras.

This way.

Oh, no, more underpants.

I mean, why do they need so
many kinds of underpants?

I mean, what?

Do they parade
around them looking

in mirrors all the time?

Billy.

Terry.

Ted.

Ted Crilly.

How are you?

Good to see you both.

We got a bit lost in the store.

That's why we're here.
Got a bit lost.

Too I suppose that's why
you're here, as well?

Lost?

- That's right.
- That's it.

That's it exactly.

We're lost.

I don't suppose you
know the way out of here.

It's Ireland's biggest
lingerie section, I understand.

Really?

Yeah, I read that somewhere.

The best idea is
for us to get out

of here as quickly as possible.

You know, four priests hanging
around the frilly section.

Yes, I see, what you mean.

Let's try this way.

Wait a second.

We've been here.

I remember these bras from
the first time around.

They all look the same to me.

No, no, these ones
have double padding,

and the black lace outline.

The one with the little cotton
support and extra strength

straps.

If we pass by a bra with
the middle arch support

and single padding and
the white lace outline,

then I think we're
on the right track.

Someone's coming.

Ted Crilly.

God, are we glad to see you.

What happened to you?

We were looking
for the toilets,

and we wandered in
here by mistake.

We can't get out.

It's huge.

It's our island's biggest
lingerie section, I understand.

Right.

This is the situation.

We have eight priests hanging
around the lingerie section.

If it was one or two
of us, that would

be embarrassing, but eight?

We're talking national scandal.
- What are we going to do?

All the aisles look the same.
- Right.

First thing, don't panic.

We're in this thing, let's
try and get of it, OK?

Billy, I want you on point.

Father Cleary, Father
Deegan, you take up the back.

Let's go, and keep it quiet.

OK.

Hang in there.

Shape up, OK?

What is it?

I thought I heard someone.

Maybe I'm just going crazy.

I've been in this damn
lingerie section so long.

Wait.

I don't think they saw us.

You take a rest, Father.

Father Reilly, you go on point.

You OK, Father Deegan?

There's no way out.

There's just no way out.

They're gonna get us.

They're gonna catch us.

Damn it, Deegan.

I'm sorry.

Hang on.

Hang on.

You gotta expect this kind
of thing in the priesthood.

How?

I left the seminary
two weeks ago.

If they find out, I'll
never get a decent parish.

They'll send me off
to some bloody kip.

What we gonna do?

Listen to me.

I'm going to make you a promise.

One day, you and I, were
going to be in that new parish

of yours, sipping
iced tea on the lawn,

and this will all
be just a memory.

Can you hold onto that thought?

Can you?

Can you do that for me?

Good man.

Ow.

Father Cleary, what happened?

Oh, I was messing about
with one of these bras,

and a strap flew back
and it hit me in the eye.

Oh, I've twisted
my ankle as well.

Let's get you up.

It's my stupid fault
for messing with the bras.

You go on ahead.

I'll only slow you down.

Listen, we're a team.

We're sticking together.

Come on.

[snoring]

There's the exit.

Thank God.

God, look at all those people.

They'll definitely
see us coming out.

Maybe if we actually
buy some underpants,

then it wouldn't
look so strange.

They're women's underpants.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

STORE CLERK: Attention, lady
shoppers, gifts for husbands,

like pipes and slippers,
are now available--

Come here.

STORE CLERK: On the first floor.

Who's got the
most boring voice?

What?

Of the lot of us, who's
got the most boring voice?

That would be me, Ted.

Listen to me--

I have an over dreary,
monotonous voice.

God help me.
- Yes, yes, yes.

Listen--

Ted, were you asking for
a dramatic, exciting voice?

No.

He said boring.

He wanted a boring voice.

In that case,
you must excuse me

for my impetuous interruption.

Listen, this is what
we're going to do.

What's going on?

I think Ted has a plan.

No, I mean, in general.

Oh, we can't find our way
out of the lingerie section.

Ladies and
gentlemen, could you

please bring your purchases
to the checkout as the store

is about to close.

Hurry up.

Come on.

Hurry up, will ya?

Not that way, for feck's sake.

The other way.

Move!

Go!

Go.

Oh.

What's wrong, Dougal?

Ah, it's just three lads
pointing at a star, Ted.

It's a bit disappointing.

Why?

Well, what's that got
to do with Christmas?

Anyhow, there's nothing in
the Catholic Scandal Supplement

about the lingerie episode.

I think we got away with it.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Craggy Island Parochial House,
Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Hello, Ted, Tom
McCaskill here.

Hello, Tom, how are you?

And where are you?

You left in an awful hurry.

I'm in Rome.

When are you coming back?

When things have
died down a bit.

I might have to head off to
South America for a while.

You know, she's going to
write a bloody book about it?

Ah, no, that's not fair.

She ever catch up with you
about that Lourdes thing?

It was looking a we bit
dodgy there for a while.

Just let me stop
you right there, Tom.

That money was just resting
in my account at the time.

Oh.

Shut up, Dougal.

Anyway, Ted, we owe you a
big favor for getting the lads

out of trouble the other day.

We'd like you to
have a Golden Cleric.

A Golden Cleric?

You're not serious?

I'm deadly serious.

I don't feel worthy, when I
think of all the other priests

who've won it.

Oberto.

Oberto please!

You deserve it.

You managed to avert a
very tricky situation

and prevent another
scandal in the church.

Father Billy and
the rest of the lads

will drop the award
over to you tomorrow.

Oh, and is there--

Sorry about this, but is there--

is there any sort of
cash prize with that?

I'm afraid not, Ted.

We're a bit strapped for
cash here at the moment.

Anyway, see you soon.

Dougal, fantastic news.

You're getting married?

No I'm not.

Is that a joke?
- Uh, yeah.

No, I'm being given
a Golden Cleric Award.

Oh, God, I have
to write a speech.

It will have to be
absolutely brilliant.

It's not every day
you win an award.

- Award?
- No.

No, Father, you
can't have an award.

Why not?

Award.
Award.

Award.
Award.

Yes, award.

Yes, Father.

Yes, Father.

There you are.
- Right.

Photo.

Photo.

Dougal, take a photograph.

Oh, Ted, can I
stay up tomorrow

night to watch the scary film?

No, no, no, no, no.

The last time you
watched a scary film,

you had to sleep in my bed.

I wouldn't mind, but it
wasn't even that scary a film.

Come on, Ted, a Volkswagen
with a mind of its own,

driving all over the
place and going mad.

If that's not scary,
I don't know what is.

Dougal, it's a
children's film.

If you can't deal with
that, how on Earth

are you going to be
able to take a film

about a burglar who runs
into people's houses

and kills everybody.

Is that-- is that
what this one's about?

Yes.

If you want to meet
priests your own age,

listen in on the latest
gossip, or simply

have a bit of a laugh, then
please call Priest Chatback

and speak to priests
you want to know.

0898 333 201.

Right.

I got the presentation
case for my award.

Oh, great, Ted.

Fantastic.

I think I'll put it here
over the creaky floorboard.

Any robbers come in and try to
rob my award, we'll hear them.

Very few priests get
this award, you know?

It'll mean I'll be one of the
top priests in the country,

when I get my award.

Oh right.

Did you hear what
I'm saying there?

I'm one of the top
priests in the country.

Did you hear that?

I said it there
just a second ago.

I did, yeah.

Well, it's not
before time, Father.

I always thought you
were one of the best

priests in the country.

Thank you very
much, Mrs. Doyle.

One of the best?

Or maybe the best?

Go on, Mrs. Doyle,
honestly, would you

say I'm the best priest in
the country at the moment?

Well--

You don't think
I'm the best priest

in the country just say so.

I honestly won't mind.

I'd say you might
be the second best.

I mean--

No, it's all right.

I'm not the best
priest in the country.

I'm only the second best.

There's somebody better
than me apparently.

Well, Father, I was just
thinking of those priests

who work in very poor areas.

Oh, yes, of course, those
lads, Father Archbishop

Desmond Tutu and the likes.

I think Archbishop
Tutu is a Protestant man.

Oh, right, oh, great.

So a Protestants
is better than me?

No, no.

There's no need
to continue this.

I'm not the best,
I'm just second best.

Apparently, the Golden
Cleric is a runner up prize.

Well, I'm so sorry.

Obviously, I'm just an idiot.

Obviously, I can't
even say mass properly.

- Father, I was just--
- No.

Don't take it back.

That's what you said.

You said, I'm not the best
priest in the country.

That's fine.

I just want to
know where I stand.

Obviously, now, I'm going
to have to jack it in.

- What?
- I'm leaving the priesthood.

But Father--

No.

I'm going to write a letter
to Bishop Brennan asking

for early retirement,
and maybe when I go,

you can ask the other
priest, Father Peter Perfect,

the perfect priest,
to come here and you

can work for him since he's
obviously such a great priest.

MRS. DOYLE: Second best
priest in the country.

Second best priest.

Second best priest.

Second best priest.

Sorry about that.

You frigging idiot.

Wait there till I get ya.

Wait till I get you,
you little punk.

MRS. DOYLE: I'd say,
Father, that you

might be the second best
priest in the country.

The second best priest.

Wait till I get you.

Come back here, you little--

I'm not going out with you.

You're just the second
best priest in the country.

The second best.

The second best.

Welcome to Priest Chat Back,
if you are under 18 or not

a priest, please hang up now.

If you wish to speak about
the Pope's visit to Mexico,

say yes now.

If you want to speak about
being vaguely unhappy

but not being able to figure
out exactly why, say yes now.

Wait.
Yes.

Yes.
Hello?

- Hello?
- Hello.

Is that being vaguely
unhappy but not been

able to figure out exactly why?

No, this is how to
break the news of a death.

We were just talking
about techniques.

I say it's best to just
get it over with quickly.

Your husband is dead.

And he's not coming back.

Get used to it.

Ah, yes, but sometimes
a few little hints

help, like remember
how your husband

used to love a good laugh?

My problem is that I
should be on top of the world

because I've been
given an award,

but the fact of the
matter is that I--

Stupid priests.

Some respect.

This is a priest only line.

Are you priest?

Priest are a bunch of wankers.

Father, while you were out for
your walk, we had a phone call.

I think you were supposed
to do a funeral today.

A funeral.

I completely forgot about it.

It's all right.

Father Maguire said he'd do it.

That's a [inaudible].

Dougal's doing a funeral?

You let Dougal do a funeral?

Sorry about that.

Ted, it's no use.

I'm just so excited about
Christmas, I can't sleep.

Dougal, you'll never
get to sleep like that.

You have a much better
chance of sleeping

if you get off the bike.

All right.

What are you up
to yourself, Ted?

I'm just writing my
speech for tomorrow.

God, it's brilliant so far.

What do you put in speeches?

You'd normally thank
everybody, wouldn't ya?

No, not in this case, Dougal.

You see, I got this award
through my own initiative

and hard graft,
so there's nobody

else to thank, except myself.

Actually, that's a good idea.

I'll thank myself.

Wow.

Is that the speech?

No, these are just
the notes really.

See here, for example, this is
a list of people who've really

fecked me over down the years.

Father Jimmy Fennel, he really
needs taking down a peg or two.

And father PJ Clappard,
oh, wait a minute,

he's on the wrong list.

He should be under
liars rather than twats.

At last, I get a
chance to shine,

to stand out, to be recognized.

I recognize ya.

Look.

That's Ted.

No, Dougal, I mean
recognition of my abilities,

of my achievements.

Oh, right.

And what achievements are these?

Shut up, Dougal.

I hope Larry Duffs coming,
catch my big moment.

I should give him a call.

Hope he makes it.

Larry's tremendous
fun, you know.

He loves award ceremonies.

[cellphone ringing]

Oh, wait, now.

He's on holidays.

Well, I won't disturb him.

Anyway, I'm going to try and
get to sleep one more time.

It's no use.

Dougal, her's a good
way to get to sleep.

Just try and empty your
head of all thoughts.

I'll give it a go, but
I really don't think--

[snoring]

Ah, yes.

Ah, Brilliant!

A load of people
in the stable, Ted.

It's the one thing
I didn't expect.

Dougal, Dougal, aren't you
going to open your presents?

Oh, wow, Presents.

I completely forgot
about the presents.

First, the calendar,
now presents.

It can't get any
better than this.

Ah, brilliant!

Happy Christmas, Mrs. Doyle.

Father, you shouldn't have.

What is it?

It's a--

You know, I was
racking my brains

trying to think, what
would Mrs. Doyle really

love for Christmas?

And then I thought, you
know, something to take

the misery out of making tea.

Yes, Mrs. Doyle, the days
of housekeepers making tea

are over.

We can't live in the dark ages.

You've made your last
cup of tea in this house.

Thank you, Father.

If I know people
the way I think I do,

she really loved that present.

Brilliant, Ted.

How did you know?

Now don't think I hadn't
noticed those little hints you

left lying around the place.

Present.
Present.

Present.

Present.

Present.

Present, come on,
come on, come on.

Happy Christmas.

Fleck off.

[doorbell]

Who could that be?

The sermon is not till 2:00.

Father, it's--

Ted.

-

Hello there.

I haven't missed
the ceremony, have I?

No.
No, not at all.

You haven't changed a bit.

You're a rascal.

And you, look at you.

You haven't changed either.

What?

Well, what about the hair?

Oh, right, the hair.

It's a different shape.

Color.

Color.

Yes, of course,
it used to be red.

Brown.

Blond.

Hello there.

Hello there you back.

I suppose he told
you all about me?

No.

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who is he?

Hey, tell you what.

Why don't you stick the old
name and address in the book,

you know?

Especially the name.

Very important that you write
the name very, very carefully.

I'd love to, Ted, but
I can't really write.

You see, one time last year
I was running with scissors

and I fell, and the nerve
that controls handwriting

was completely severed.

Father, are you not going to
introduce me to the new Father?

Oh, right, of course.

Actually, I tell you what,
see if you can guess.

Guess?

Come on, have a go.

God, Father, I'm sure
it could be anything.

Still though, give it a try.

Father Andy Riley?

No.

Father Desmont Coin?

Father George Burne?

No.

Father David Nicholson?

Father Dick Inledge?

I'll give you a clue.

No clues.

I'll get it in a second.

Father Ken Sweeney?

Father Neal Hannon?

Father Keith Cullen?

Father Curran Donnelly?

Father Mick Macafoy?

Father Jack White?

Father Henry Bigbigging?

Father Hank Tree?

Father Hiroshima Twinky?

Father Bubble Carrot.

Father Johnny Hasenpoppen?

Father Luke Duke?

Father Billy Furley?
Father Chewy Louis?

Father John Hoop?

Father Harry Cakelinem?

Father Abula Cunundrum?

Father Peepwee Stairmaster?

No.

Father Tritilips?

Father Jemima Racktool?

No.

Father Jerry Twig?

Father Spoto Okamoto?

Father Camer Bamalamer?

Father Todd Unctious?

Yes.

Well done.

Is that it, really?

Did she get it?

Oh, come on, Ted.

You knew already.

Yes, of course, I was
just amazed that she got

it in, wow, well under an hour.

Well done, Mrs. Doyle.

So Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd.

Old Todd, there
you are now Todd.

Good old Todd.

How you getting on there, Todd?

How are you fixed for
a cup of tea, Todd?

Or would you prefer
a hot toddy, Todd?

Anything you want, Todd.

Anything at all, Todd.

Todd.

What time is
the ceremony, Ted?

Well, Todd, it isn't
really a ceremony.

I'm sure it'll be just a
very plain, simple affair.

2, 2, 2.

Oh, we're getting mad for you.

Shaun.

Shaun?

Excited, Ted?

Yes.

Something to tell the
grandchildren about.

A little bit faster than that.

OK, well, you'll need to cue.
I'll be looking--

Fine.
OK.

No problem.

So, up, look, down.

Dominus albe turum.

Tell you what.

Change the dominus to canus.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, what's your name?

- Shaun.
- Shaun.

Sorry, I don't
mean to get at you,

but I just you there
on the day, you know?

A second or two and
I'm dead out here.

Is anybody
organized around here?

You don't want to talk to me.

You want to talk to
that priest over there.

- Who?
- Over there.

So, lads, when
the rhythm kicks in

and the song reveals itself
through the counter rhythm,

I want you there, and
I want you ready, OK?

Anyhow, where's Todd.
I thought he wanted to see this?

Hi.

Who's Ted and who's Dougal?

I'm Ted and
that's Dougal there.

I'm Dougal.

He's Ted.

I need you over
the stage, Father.

All right.

Why does he need
you by the stage?

No.

He must mean me.

Up, look, down.

- Ted, Dick Mayo.
- Hello.

Congratulations on
the Golden Cleric.

Thank you very much.

Ted, have you ever
thought about doing

any television work?

It had crossed my mind.

- Do you haven an agent?
- No.

I'll tell you what.
Give this agency a call.

It's done wonders for me.

Well done, man.

Right.

[snoring]

Drink.

Drink.
Drink.

Drink.
Drink.

Drink.
Drink.

Drink.
Drink.

Drink.

Good afternoon, and welcome
to the Fifth Annual Presentation

of the Golden Cleric.

Every year, the
Catholic church

gives an award to a priest
for outstanding achievement.

This year's winner is someone
who has overcome controversy

in the past, when rumors
of financial irregularities

kicked his career
in the keister.

No, no, no, no.

But following a
thorough investigation,

no formal charges were
ever made against him.

The money was just
resting in my account.

Even though authorities
are confused by what

they saw as bizarre
irregularities in his accounts.

We've had enough of that now.

But he's overcome all
of these personal setbacks

to become this
year's Golden Cleric.

Ladies and gentlemen, I
give you father Ted Crilly.

I hope he doesn't start
going on about himself

and settling old
scores in public.

Well.

Well, well, well.

I see some familiar
faces here today.

Some welcome, some
not so welcome.

It looks as if I had the last
laugh on a lot of people who

really didn't think
I had it in me

to become a brilliant priest.

But what I say to those
people is, look at me now.

Eventually, I got
out of his headlock,

and now where are you,
Father Aman Hunter?

Working with some pygmies in
the South Seas, and where am I?

Here, accepting a Golden Cleric
Award for being a top priest.

Yes, of course, he thought
it would be a great idea.

Great fun to pour water on
this young novices mattress.

But, of course, 30
years later, the smile

has been very much wiped off
Father Barry Keirnan's face.

And now, we move on to liars.

Father Peter Soronton, Father
Desmond Kernes, remember him?

Well, um, great speech, Ted.

It went well, didn't it.

And you mean to tell me
he was wandering around

in there for three hours?

Yes.

It's the islands lingerie
section, I understand.

Tea for everyone.

All right.

No, Mrs. Dudley, you can
put that away and relax.

We're going to try
out the Tea Master.

How does it work, Ted?

Well, can I not
just put the milk in?

No, you see, what you do
is just leave the cup there,

slide in one of these
cartridges here,

and the tea just
comes out there.

That's fantastic.

Yes, well, now that
I've won an award,

I can hardly be
seen drinking tea

that's just been made in a pot.

The idea.

Just seems too
good to be true.

What's the catch?

I'm sorry, Father.

Your voice is just so boring,
I couldn't concentrate

on what you were saying.

Well, I do have an
incredibly boring voice.

I was just saying,
what's the catch?

Sorry, I didn't
get it there either.

Ted, I've been thinking
about the Tea Master thing.

There must be some
sort of a catch.

What?

No.

There's no catch.

Just watch this.

[noisy whirring]

See?

Perfect.

Father, actually
there's someone--

What?

There's actually someone--
are you all right there, Father?

Yes.

But it's actually
quite hard to breathe.

If you could just--

What?

I really am finding
it quite hard.

- Would you just get up?
- What?

- Dougal, put on that music.
- What?

Put on the music that
makes Father Jack stand up.

What?

[patriotic music]

Sorry about that.

Up.

Up.

Father Jack likes
us all to stand

up when that music comes on.

Up.

Sing.

Sing.

[singing]

Again, again.

Will you have a
go at this with me?

Get out of the way.

No, Father, it's
just a bit of fun.

Yes, well, we sort
of thought Father

Jack was jumping through that
window a little too often.

That's why we put
in the Plexiglas.

Anyway, my speech.

What did you think of it?

We all have a look
at the Christmas film?

Yes.

That was Indiana Jones
and the Last Crusade.

Now, a special extended
Latin mass from St.

Martin's cathedral in Dublin.

Oh, great, mass.

God, I just remembered,
I'm supposed to be doing

something terribly important.

And the thing I'm
supposed to be doing,

I just remembered, I've got to
telephone this fellow on death

row that I befriended recently,
because he's being executed

tomorrow for mass murder.

So you know, I would say he's
pretty low at the moment.

God Almighty,
and did he do it?

I don't know.
Yes.

No.

Yes.

Do you want any
help talking to him?

Because he might get
hysterical and start crying,

and I could say pull
yourself together, man.

All right.

There's been a big
accident, so I should go too.

I've got a phone
call there while you

were all somewhere else.

Right.

So, we're all off, so.

Father Unctious, you coming too?

I could get you a lift.

No.

I'll stay a while.

Ah, great, mass.

Father Alton Crosby is doing it.

I'm a huge fan of his.

He gives good mass.

He what?

He really knows how
to work the altar.

Look at that challis work.

Effortless.

Oh, well, we'd be off
so, see you all soon.

See ya.

It's been great.

Bye.

Thanks for coming to the awards
ceremony where I got my award.

Now on BBC One, the
director's cut of Jurassic

Park with extra dinosaurs.

That was a fantastic day.

It was, Ted.

It was a brilliant day.

Fantastic fun.

I'd say it was one of the
best Christmas days ever.

Dougal, I was being sarcastic.

Oh, right.

So was I.

And there's that
fellow Todd Unctious.

I didn't invite him, did you?

- Huh?
- No, that's right.

I barred you from inviting
people to the house

after that tramp
stayed for a week.

Remember that when I was away?

That wasn't a tramp, Ted.

That was the prime
minister of France.

No, Dougal, he
just lied to you.

Todd Unctious.

I don't remember him at all.

Who the hell is he?

Maybe he had a nickname,
like you know, Terry Wogan.

Terry Wogan?

What's his nickname?

What?

You mean, that's his real name?

Anyway, don't worry
about it, Ted.

I'm sure he'll be
gone in the morning.

[knocking]

There you are.

Hello there.

Look at ya lying in
there like a big idiot.

Well, here we all are now.

All the lads.

Just like in the old days, eh?

Do you remember all the fun we
used to have in the showers?

Do you still have the
big, old hairy arse?

Fluff, Todd.

That wasn't hair, that
was a bit of downy fluff.

Oh, God, memories.

Remember the time you all
mixed off to the Diana concert.

I couldn't go because
I was recovering

from a massive car accident.

Did I show you the scar?

There you are.

See that crescent shape there?

God, yes.

Yes.

And that series of tiny
little indentations all

along me inner thigh?

It's really--

They run the whole
way up to me groin.

How about we go
to the pictures.

I really fancy
seeing a good film.

Ah, Ted, it's
1:30 in the morning.

You go off to sleep.
I was just wandering around.

Sometimes I can't sleep,
and I need a good walk

to calm myself down.

You don't mind, do ya?

No, no, no, no, you do that.

All right, so, goodnight,
and Happy Christmas, Ted.

God almighty, Dougal.

I'm not going out of
this room until tomorrow.

I don't want to risk
bumping into that weirdo

in his nudiness.
Goodnight, Dougal.

[thumping]

Get away from that award.

Feck off.

It's just you, Father.

Listen, turn off the light
before you come up, won't you?

And please, don't slam the door.

What's wrong, Mackenzie?

I don't want you to panic,
but there's a dangerous burglar

in the house.

What?

In fact, in this very room.

Hiding.

A burglar in
the room, you say.

My god.

Yeah, in fact, I think it's
safe to say the burglar was

definitely in the room.
There he is.

Where?

Ah.

Dougal, Dougal,
you have nightmares.

Dougal, I thought I told
you not to watch that film?

Ted, no, I wasn't
watching it, Ted.

I just came down to
carry the milk around.

Go on, Dougal,
up to bed with you.

Hello, Your Holiness.

President Robinson,
well done on everything.

Mr. De Niro, Bob, Bob, I
loved you in "Godfather 2."

Todd.

Ah!

He won't be doing any more
burglaries where he is going.

Where's that?

Well, uh, prison.

Yes, of course, sorry.

But Sergeant, tell me, how
did he know so much about me?

I'm curious about that myself.

Unctious, if that's
your real name.

I already told you it wasn't.

How did you know so
much about Father Crilly?

Is this off the record?

Of course.

Well, I was in
Celridge a few days ago.

Got talking to this
old priest in a bar.

He was a bit cagey at first,
but a few shots of JD and he

was singing like a bird.

The Golden Cleric they call
it, giving it to an old pal

of mine, Ted Crilly.

Met him on Dolly Moon Strand.

As I listened, a
plan formed in my head.

We drank long into the
night, me paying, of course.

Him spilling his
guts on the subject

of a certain Father Ted Crilly.

He got a mane of while hair,
kind of like you get on a mule.

Used to wet the
bed at St. Collins.

Big, hairy ass.

The longer he talked,
the better it got.

Lives with a pig ignorant
old timer named Jack Hackett,

and a poor, strange idiot boy.

After that, all I needed
was the right costume.

Perfect.

But you're a
priest, I mean, why?

It's a long story.

I used to be like you,
a completely average bog

standard, run of
the mill cleric.

Then I won first prize
in the County West Mead

Priest of the Year competition.

I guess I went to my head.

After that, I started hitting
the altar wine too hard.

Going easy on people
in confession, getting

backhanders for
doing quick masses.

All I wanted was
trophies and prizes,

but the one that really got
me hard was the Golden Cleric.

No, no, no, no, Todd.

What I was going to ask you
was, you're a priest, I mean,

why did you take the
other priest's clothes?

I don't know.

It was just going that way.

Well, I've got bad news for
you so-called Todd Unctious.

That wasn't off the record.

I'm using that as
evidence against you.

That's completely unfair.

Take him away.

Thanks, Sergeant.

There will be an
award in this, Father.

You both should be very
proud of yourselves.

A reward.

Not such a bad day after all.

Well done, Fathers.

Now.

That's a handy old thing
you have there, Mrs. Doyle.

Modern technology, it's
brilliant, isn't it?

It is indeed.

And thanks again,
Father, it's the best

Christmas present ever.

What about the tea machine?

Oh, yes.

I'll go and crank
it up right now.

Oh, no, I don't like the
sound of that at all.

I'm sorry, Mrs.
Doyle, we're just

going to have to get it fixed.

No, Father, don't.

Please.

What?

Father, I love the
whole tea making thing.

You know, the playful splash of
the tea as it hits the bottom

of the cup, the thrill
of adding the make milk,

and watching it
settle for the moment

before it filters slowly
down through the cup,

changing the color from dark
brown to a lighter brown.

Perching on optional
jaffa cake on the saucer,

like a proud soldier
standing to attention

beside a giant cup of tea.

Just think, Father, remember
all the great times we had

when I used to make the tea.

You're right, Mrs. Doyle.

You know, tea out of a
machine is like milk out

of a baby's bottle.

The baby doesn't want
it out of a bottle.

He wants it out
of his mother's--

anyway.

Why don't you just
go and make us

both a nice normal cup of tea?

Righto, Father, and don't
you worry, it'll be tea-riffic.

Tea-riffic.

Bloody hell, Dougal.

You know, Dougal,
the priesthood,

it's not about
awards and glamor.

It's about hard
graft and attending

to the spiritual needs
of your parishioners.

You know that Todd
Unctious fellow,

that could have been me.

Really?

That explains a lot.

No, Dougal, I don't
think you picked up

on what I meant there.

[phone ringing]

I could have been a
bad priest, you know?

I could have been
lazy, arrogant,

not giving a damn about the
needs of my parishioners.

Ted it's Mrs. Gillicutty.

She wanted to do one of
those remembrance masses.

I'm not in.

He's not in.

OK, bye.

You know, Dougal, I'm sorry
about my recent silliness.

You know, you deserve
this award as much as me.

Really?
Thanks, Ted.

That's great.
Thanks very much.

Why don't we just
leave it in he case?

Oh, you better, I suppose.

Yeah.

And my name on the plaque,
we won't bother changing that.

All right.

I know the awards mine, and
that's good enough for me.

Listen, I'm going to
have a bath, you know?

Help me calm down after the day.

OK.

Dougal, what are you doing?

Just having a bit of a laugh.

[theme music]