Original subtitles

You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking recently,

and well, I just don't think I'm cut out for the priesthood.

I think it's time you and I faced facts.

But, Father, you're one of the best priests in the country,

if not the best.

Assumpta, Assumpta, Assumpta, what are we running from this?

You know what I'm talking about, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I-- I suppose I do.

I'll be off then.

I said, I'll-- - Yeah, bye.

Yeah, bye.

Come here, you.

- Ted! - What?

What?

Would you like a peanut?

A peanut?

You woke me to offer me a peanut?

God, Dougal.

Oh, sorry, Ted.

Go to bed.

Now, where were we?

[theme music]

You ready?

Here we go.

1, 2, 3.

Hey. - They're on?

Oh, they are, Ted.

Oh, wait, now.

What?

They've gone off again.

That's it, Ted. They're back.

No.

They're gone again.

Oh, God, Ted.

That's it, Ted, you're a genius.

Gone, back. Gone.

Back.

Gone.

Back.

Gone.

Back.

Dougal, just sit down.

Oh, Ted, can I open another window on the advent calendar

first?

All right, then, but remember, you are just

allowed to open today's window,

Oh, a shepherd.

Great.

Fantastic stuff.

Oh, God, Ted, can I not open the other two?

No, Dougal.

Oh, Ted, I can't wait to find out

what's behind tomorrow's one.

I bet it's a donkey or something.

All right, so you've changed from your initial prediction.

What was it again?

Lewd harlot sitting on a shed, wasn't it?

God almighty, Dougal, where do you get these things?

Do you know what?

I'd say it's probably just a lovely angel.

What would you say is behind tomorrow's window, Father Jack?

A pair of fickle woman's nickers.

Well, who knows?

Nickers.

Yes, Father.

Woman's nickers.

Yes, Father.

Yes.

Message understood.

God almighty.

Dougal, leave the calendar until tomorrow.

There.

Ah, dear, another year gone.

It's hard to believe, isn't it?

I mean, what's it all about, Dougal?

Well, it doesn't really have a story, Ted.

You know, it's just about football and stuff.

No, Dougal, I mean life.

You know, you slave away attending

to the needs of your parishioners,

and what do you get?

A one way ticket to Palookaville.

You know, I looked in the mirror this morning,

and I saw a middle aged, gray haired man staring back at me.

Who was that, Ted?

Me, Dougal.

Oh, yes, of course.

It's just that I got a Christmas card yesterday

from Father Jess Flavin.

He's in Montana.

He makes $50,000 a year and $2,000 in tips.

Brilliant.

How does he manage that?

Oh, I don't know.

Lap dancing or something.

Then there's Father Buzz Dolan in Canada.

He has his own show on cable, and I hear he's landed a bit

part in the new Bond movie.

It all started for him when he won that Golden Cleric Award.

Wow.

It must be great to be famous.

Do you know what I'd love about being famous?

People listen to you.

They listen to what you have to say, and I have a lot to say.

What about when you're doing your sermons, Ted?

People listen to you then, don't they?

No, Dougal. I mean people I respect.

I suppose the great thing would be--

[interposing voices]

You see, you just talked right across me there.

Even you don't listen to me.

I do, Ted.

Now, that's not fair.

Well, I--

[interposing voices]

So Father, are you looking forward to Christmas?

I am, indeed, Mrs. Doyle.

A nice, quiet Christmas, that's what I want.

A nice, quiet Christmas with no unusual incidents

or strange people turning up.

That would suit me down to the ground.

A nice, quiet, normal, everyday Christmas.

[doorbell]

Oh, there's the door.

I'm sorry.

Is this Mrs. Riley's house?

No, that's just down the road.

Thanks very much.

Who was that, Ted?

It was just some woman looking for Riley's house.

She had a baby with her.

For a moment, I thought somebody had

just left it on our doorstep.

God, Ted, could you imagine what would have happened

if she'd left it with us?

Yes.

We'd have been looking after it and everything

and getting into all sorts of hilarious jams.

The whole thing would have been very, very funny.

Well, it wouldn't have been that funny, Ted.

Actually, no.

And the liquids just come out here.

Now, you've already punched in your selection for milk

and sugar, so all the work is taken out of it,

leaving the modern woman plenty of time

for running a business or skiing.

Simple flick of the switch, and you can access coffee,

hot chocolate, or Horlicks.

Yes, Tea Master really takes the misery out of making tea.

Well, what do you think?

Maybe I like the misery.

Yes, I though some perfume for Mrs. Doyle.

Good idea, Ted.

Perfume is the ideal woman present, isn't it?

Yes, well, that's why God invented perfume,

so you don't have to put any thought into it whatsoever.

Oh, where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?

Oh, they've got this great place,

Ted, where you can put people who don't want to go shopping.

They can just stay there and have a laugh.

Really?

Never heard of that.

But there are other people there?

Oh, loads of people, Ted.

He'll be fine.

Perfume, perfume.

You think you'd be able to smell it.

Where exactly are we now?

Well, we're in the--

in the-- oh, God.

We're in lingerie.

Dougal, we're in lingerie.

What's the problem there, Ted?

Think about it, Dougal, twp priests hanging

around ladies' secret things.

It just doesn't look good.

Where is the exit?

We're in bras.

This way.

Oh, no, more underpants.

I mean, why do they need so many kinds of underpants?

I mean, what?

Do they parade around them looking

in mirrors all the time?

Billy.

Terry.

Ted.

Ted Crilly.

How are you?

Good to see you both.

We got a bit lost in the store.

That's why we're here. Got a bit lost.

Too I suppose that's why you're here, as well?

Lost?

- That's right. - That's it.

That's it exactly.

We're lost.

I don't suppose you know the way out of here.

It's Ireland's biggest lingerie section, I understand.

Really?

Yeah, I read that somewhere.

The best idea is for us to get out

of here as quickly as possible.

You know, four priests hanging around the frilly section.

Yes, I see, what you mean.

Let's try this way.

Wait a second.

We've been here.

I remember these bras from the first time around.

They all look the same to me.

No, no, these ones have double padding,

and the black lace outline.

The one with the little cotton support and extra strength

straps.

If we pass by a bra with the middle arch support

and single padding and the white lace outline,

then I think we're on the right track.

Someone's coming.

Ted Crilly.

God, are we glad to see you.

What happened to you?

We were looking for the toilets,

and we wandered in here by mistake.

We can't get out.

It's huge.

It's our island's biggest lingerie section, I understand.

Right.

This is the situation.

We have eight priests hanging around the lingerie section.

If it was one or two of us, that would

be embarrassing, but eight?

We're talking national scandal. - What are we going to do?

All the aisles look the same. - Right.

First thing, don't panic.

We're in this thing, let's try and get of it, OK?

Billy, I want you on point.

Father Cleary, Father Deegan, you take up the back.

Let's go, and keep it quiet.

OK.

Hang in there.

Shape up, OK?

What is it?

I thought I heard someone.

Maybe I'm just going crazy.

I've been in this damn lingerie section so long.

Wait.

I don't think they saw us.

You take a rest, Father.

Father Reilly, you go on point.

You OK, Father Deegan?

There's no way out.

There's just no way out.

They're gonna get us.

They're gonna catch us.

Damn it, Deegan.

I'm sorry.

Hang on.

Hang on.

You gotta expect this kind of thing in the priesthood.

How?

I left the seminary two weeks ago.

If they find out, I'll never get a decent parish.

They'll send me off to some bloody kip.

What we gonna do?

Listen to me.

I'm going to make you a promise.

One day, you and I, were going to be in that new parish

of yours, sipping iced tea on the lawn,

and this will all be just a memory.

Can you hold onto that thought?

Can you?

Can you do that for me?

Good man.

Ow.

Father Cleary, what happened?

Oh, I was messing about with one of these bras,

and a strap flew back and it hit me in the eye.

Oh, I've twisted my ankle as well.

Let's get you up.

It's my stupid fault for messing with the bras.

You go on ahead.

I'll only slow you down.

Listen, we're a team.

We're sticking together.

Come on.

[snoring]

There's the exit.

Thank God.

God, look at all those people.

They'll definitely see us coming out.

Maybe if we actually buy some underpants,

then it wouldn't look so strange.

They're women's underpants.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

STORE CLERK: Attention, lady shoppers, gifts for husbands,

like pipes and slippers, are now available--

Come here.

STORE CLERK: On the first floor.

Who's got the most boring voice?

What?

Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice?

That would be me, Ted.

Listen to me--

I have an over dreary, monotonous voice.

God help me. - Yes, yes, yes.

Listen--

Ted, were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?

No.

He said boring.

He wanted a boring voice.

In that case, you must excuse me

for my impetuous interruption.

Listen, this is what we're going to do.

What's going on?

I think Ted has a plan.

No, I mean, in general.

Oh, we can't find our way out of the lingerie section.

Ladies and gentlemen, could you

please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store

is about to close.

Hurry up.

Come on.

Hurry up, will ya?

Not that way, for feck's sake.

The other way.

Move!

Go!

Go.

Oh.

What's wrong, Dougal?

Ah, it's just three lads pointing at a star, Ted.

It's a bit disappointing.

Why?

Well, what's that got to do with Christmas?

Anyhow, there's nothing in the Catholic Scandal Supplement

about the lingerie episode.

I think we got away with it.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Craggy Island Parochial House, Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Hello, Ted, Tom McCaskill here.

Hello, Tom, how are you?

And where are you?

You left in an awful hurry.

I'm in Rome.

When are you coming back?

When things have died down a bit.

I might have to head off to South America for a while.

You know, she's going to write a bloody book about it?

Ah, no, that's not fair.

She ever catch up with you about that Lourdes thing?

It was looking a we bit dodgy there for a while.

Just let me stop you right there, Tom.

That money was just resting in my account at the time.

Oh.

Shut up, Dougal.

Anyway, Ted, we owe you a big favor for getting the lads

out of trouble the other day.

We'd like you to have a Golden Cleric.

A Golden Cleric?

You're not serious?

I'm deadly serious.

I don't feel worthy, when I think of all the other priests

who've won it.

Oberto.

Oberto please!

You deserve it.

You managed to avert a very tricky situation

and prevent another scandal in the church.

Father Billy and the rest of the lads

will drop the award over to you tomorrow.

Oh, and is there--

Sorry about this, but is there--

is there any sort of cash prize with that?

I'm afraid not, Ted.

We're a bit strapped for cash here at the moment.

Anyway, see you soon.

Dougal, fantastic news.

You're getting married?

No I'm not.

Is that a joke? - Uh, yeah.

No, I'm being given a Golden Cleric Award.

Oh, God, I have to write a speech.

It will have to be absolutely brilliant.

It's not every day you win an award.

- Award? - No.

No, Father, you can't have an award.

Why not?

Award. Award.

Award. Award.

Yes, award.

Yes, Father.

Yes, Father.

There you are. - Right.

Photo.

Photo.

Dougal, take a photograph.

Oh, Ted, can I stay up tomorrow

night to watch the scary film?

No, no, no, no, no.

The last time you watched a scary film,

you had to sleep in my bed.

I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even that scary a film.

Come on, Ted, a Volkswagen with a mind of its own,

driving all over the place and going mad.

If that's not scary, I don't know what is.

Dougal, it's a children's film.

If you can't deal with that, how on Earth

are you going to be able to take a film

about a burglar who runs into people's houses

and kills everybody.

Is that-- is that what this one's about?

Yes.

If you want to meet priests your own age,

listen in on the latest gossip, or simply

have a bit of a laugh, then please call Priest Chatback

and speak to priests you want to know.

0898 333 201.

Right.

I got the presentation case for my award.

Oh, great, Ted.

Fantastic.

I think I'll put it here over the creaky floorboard.

Any robbers come in and try to rob my award, we'll hear them.

Very few priests get this award, you know?

It'll mean I'll be one of the top priests in the country,

when I get my award.

Oh right.

Did you hear what I'm saying there?

I'm one of the top priests in the country.

Did you hear that?

I said it there just a second ago.

I did, yeah.

Well, it's not before time, Father.

I always thought you were one of the best

priests in the country.

Thank you very much, Mrs. Doyle.

One of the best?

Or maybe the best?

Go on, Mrs. Doyle, honestly, would you

say I'm the best priest in the country at the moment?

Well--

You don't think I'm the best priest

in the country just say so.

I honestly won't mind.

I'd say you might be the second best.

I mean--

No, it's all right.

I'm not the best priest in the country.

I'm only the second best.

There's somebody better than me apparently.

Well, Father, I was just thinking of those priests

who work in very poor areas.

Oh, yes, of course, those lads, Father Archbishop

Desmond Tutu and the likes.

I think Archbishop Tutu is a Protestant man.

Oh, right, oh, great.

So a Protestants is better than me?

No, no.

There's no need to continue this.

I'm not the best, I'm just second best.

Apparently, the Golden Cleric is a runner up prize.

Well, I'm so sorry.

Obviously, I'm just an idiot.

Obviously, I can't even say mass properly.

- Father, I was just-- - No.

Don't take it back.

That's what you said.

You said, I'm not the best priest in the country.

That's fine.

I just want to know where I stand.

Obviously, now, I'm going to have to jack it in.

- What? - I'm leaving the priesthood.

But Father--

No.

I'm going to write a letter to Bishop Brennan asking

for early retirement, and maybe when I go,

you can ask the other priest, Father Peter Perfect,

the perfect priest, to come here and you

can work for him since he's obviously such a great priest.

MRS. DOYLE: Second best priest in the country.

Second best priest.

Second best priest.

Second best priest.

Sorry about that.

You frigging idiot.

Wait there till I get ya.

Wait till I get you, you little punk.

MRS. DOYLE: I'd say, Father, that you

might be the second best priest in the country.

The second best priest.

Wait till I get you.

Come back here, you little--

I'm not going out with you.

You're just the second best priest in the country.

The second best.

The second best.

Welcome to Priest Chat Back, if you are under 18 or not

a priest, please hang up now.

If you wish to speak about the Pope's visit to Mexico,

say yes now.

If you want to speak about being vaguely unhappy

but not being able to figure out exactly why, say yes now.

Wait. Yes.

Yes. Hello?

- Hello? - Hello.

Is that being vaguely unhappy but not been

able to figure out exactly why?

No, this is how to break the news of a death.

We were just talking about techniques.

I say it's best to just get it over with quickly.

Your husband is dead.

And he's not coming back.

Get used to it.

Ah, yes, but sometimes a few little hints

help, like remember how your husband

used to love a good laugh?

My problem is that I should be on top of the world

because I've been given an award,

but the fact of the matter is that I--

Stupid priests.

Some respect.

This is a priest only line.

Are you priest?

Priest are a bunch of wankers.

Father, while you were out for your walk, we had a phone call.

I think you were supposed to do a funeral today.

A funeral.

I completely forgot about it.

It's all right.

Father Maguire said he'd do it.

That's a [inaudible].

Dougal's doing a funeral?

You let Dougal do a funeral?

Sorry about that.

Ted, it's no use.

I'm just so excited about Christmas, I can't sleep.

Dougal, you'll never get to sleep like that.

You have a much better chance of sleeping

if you get off the bike.

All right.

What are you up to yourself, Ted?

I'm just writing my speech for tomorrow.

God, it's brilliant so far.

What do you put in speeches?

You'd normally thank everybody, wouldn't ya?

No, not in this case, Dougal.

You see, I got this award through my own initiative

and hard graft, so there's nobody

else to thank, except myself.

Actually, that's a good idea.

I'll thank myself.

Wow.

Is that the speech?

No, these are just the notes really.

See here, for example, this is a list of people who've really

fecked me over down the years.

Father Jimmy Fennel, he really needs taking down a peg or two.

And father PJ Clappard, oh, wait a minute,

he's on the wrong list.

He should be under liars rather than twats.

At last, I get a chance to shine,

to stand out, to be recognized.

I recognize ya.

Look.

That's Ted.

No, Dougal, I mean recognition of my abilities,

of my achievements.

Oh, right.

And what achievements are these?

Shut up, Dougal.

I hope Larry Duffs coming, catch my big moment.

I should give him a call.

Hope he makes it.

Larry's tremendous fun, you know.

He loves award ceremonies.

[cellphone ringing]

Oh, wait, now.

He's on holidays.

Well, I won't disturb him.

Anyway, I'm going to try and get to sleep one more time.

It's no use.

Dougal, her's a good way to get to sleep.

Just try and empty your head of all thoughts.

I'll give it a go, but I really don't think--

[snoring]

Ah, yes.

Ah, Brilliant!

A load of people in the stable, Ted.

It's the one thing I didn't expect.

Dougal, Dougal, aren't you going to open your presents?

Oh, wow, Presents.

I completely forgot about the presents.

First, the calendar, now presents.

It can't get any better than this.

Ah, brilliant!

Happy Christmas, Mrs. Doyle.

Father, you shouldn't have.

What is it?

It's a--

You know, I was racking my brains

trying to think, what would Mrs. Doyle really

love for Christmas?

And then I thought, you know, something to take

the misery out of making tea.

Yes, Mrs. Doyle, the days of housekeepers making tea

are over.

We can't live in the dark ages.

You've made your last cup of tea in this house.

Thank you, Father.

If I know people the way I think I do,

she really loved that present.

Brilliant, Ted.

How did you know?

Now don't think I hadn't noticed those little hints you

left lying around the place.

Present. Present.

Present.

Present.

Present.

Present, come on, come on, come on.

Happy Christmas.

Fleck off.

[doorbell]

Who could that be?

The sermon is not till 2:00.

Father, it's--

Ted.

-

Hello there.

I haven't missed the ceremony, have I?

No. No, not at all.

You haven't changed a bit.

You're a rascal.

And you, look at you.

You haven't changed either.

What?

Well, what about the hair?

Oh, right, the hair.

It's a different shape.

Color.

Color.

Yes, of course, it used to be red.

Brown.

Blond.

Hello there.

Hello there you back.

I suppose he told you all about me?

No.

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who is he?

Hey, tell you what.

Why don't you stick the old name and address in the book,

you know?

Especially the name.

Very important that you write the name very, very carefully.

I'd love to, Ted, but I can't really write.

You see, one time last year I was running with scissors

and I fell, and the nerve that controls handwriting

was completely severed.

Father, are you not going to introduce me to the new Father?

Oh, right, of course.

Actually, I tell you what, see if you can guess.

Guess?

Come on, have a go.

God, Father, I'm sure it could be anything.

Still though, give it a try.

Father Andy Riley?

No.

Father Desmont Coin?

Father George Burne?

No.

Father David Nicholson?

Father Dick Inledge?

I'll give you a clue.

No clues.

I'll get it in a second.

Father Ken Sweeney?

Father Neal Hannon?

Father Keith Cullen?

Father Curran Donnelly?

Father Mick Macafoy?

Father Jack White?

Father Henry Bigbigging?

Father Hank Tree?

Father Hiroshima Twinky?

Father Bubble Carrot.

Father Johnny Hasenpoppen?

Father Luke Duke?

Father Billy Furley? Father Chewy Louis?

Father John Hoop?

Father Harry Cakelinem?

Father Abula Cunundrum?

Father Peepwee Stairmaster?

No.

Father Tritilips?

Father Jemima Racktool?

No.

Father Jerry Twig?

Father Spoto Okamoto?

Father Camer Bamalamer?

Father Todd Unctious?

Yes.

Well done.

Is that it, really?

Did she get it?

Oh, come on, Ted.

You knew already.

Yes, of course, I was just amazed that she got

it in, wow, well under an hour.

Well done, Mrs. Doyle.

So Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd.

Old Todd, there you are now Todd.

Good old Todd.

How you getting on there, Todd?

How are you fixed for a cup of tea, Todd?

Or would you prefer a hot toddy, Todd?

Anything you want, Todd.

Anything at all, Todd.

Todd.

What time is the ceremony, Ted?

Well, Todd, it isn't really a ceremony.

I'm sure it'll be just a very plain, simple affair.

2, 2, 2.

Oh, we're getting mad for you.

Shaun.

Shaun?

Excited, Ted?

Yes.

Something to tell the grandchildren about.

A little bit faster than that.

OK, well, you'll need to cue. I'll be looking--

Fine. OK.

No problem.

So, up, look, down.

Dominus albe turum.

Tell you what.

Change the dominus to canus.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, what's your name?

- Shaun. - Shaun.

Sorry, I don't mean to get at you,

but I just you there on the day, you know?

A second or two and I'm dead out here.

Is anybody organized around here?

You don't want to talk to me.

You want to talk to that priest over there.

- Who? - Over there.

So, lads, when the rhythm kicks in

and the song reveals itself through the counter rhythm,

I want you there, and I want you ready, OK?

Anyhow, where's Todd. I thought he wanted to see this?

Hi.

Who's Ted and who's Dougal?

I'm Ted and that's Dougal there.

I'm Dougal.

He's Ted.

I need you over the stage, Father.

All right.

Why does he need you by the stage?

No.

He must mean me.

Up, look, down.

- Ted, Dick Mayo. - Hello.

Congratulations on the Golden Cleric.

Thank you very much.

Ted, have you ever thought about doing

any television work?

It had crossed my mind.

- Do you haven an agent? - No.

I'll tell you what. Give this agency a call.

It's done wonders for me.

Well done, man.

Right.

[snoring]

Drink.

Drink. Drink.

Drink. Drink.

Drink. Drink.

Drink. Drink.

Drink.

Good afternoon, and welcome to the Fifth Annual Presentation

of the Golden Cleric.

Every year, the Catholic church

gives an award to a priest for outstanding achievement.

This year's winner is someone who has overcome controversy

in the past, when rumors of financial irregularities

kicked his career in the keister.

No, no, no, no.

But following a thorough investigation,

no formal charges were ever made against him.

The money was just resting in my account.

Even though authorities are confused by what

they saw as bizarre irregularities in his accounts.

We've had enough of that now.

But he's overcome all of these personal setbacks

to become this year's Golden Cleric.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you father Ted Crilly.

I hope he doesn't start going on about himself

and settling old scores in public.

Well.

Well, well, well.

I see some familiar faces here today.

Some welcome, some not so welcome.

It looks as if I had the last laugh on a lot of people who

really didn't think I had it in me

to become a brilliant priest.

But what I say to those people is, look at me now.

Eventually, I got out of his headlock,

and now where are you, Father Aman Hunter?

Working with some pygmies in the South Seas, and where am I?

Here, accepting a Golden Cleric Award for being a top priest.

Yes, of course, he thought it would be a great idea.

Great fun to pour water on this young novices mattress.

But, of course, 30 years later, the smile

has been very much wiped off Father Barry Keirnan's face.

And now, we move on to liars.

Father Peter Soronton, Father Desmond Kernes, remember him?

Well, um, great speech, Ted.

It went well, didn't it.

And you mean to tell me he was wandering around

in there for three hours?

Yes.

It's the islands lingerie section, I understand.

Tea for everyone.

All right.

No, Mrs. Dudley, you can put that away and relax.

We're going to try out the Tea Master.

How does it work, Ted?

Well, can I not just put the milk in?

No, you see, what you do is just leave the cup there,

slide in one of these cartridges here,

and the tea just comes out there.

That's fantastic.

Yes, well, now that I've won an award,

I can hardly be seen drinking tea

that's just been made in a pot.

The idea.

Just seems too good to be true.

What's the catch?

I'm sorry, Father.

Your voice is just so boring, I couldn't concentrate

on what you were saying.

Well, I do have an incredibly boring voice.

I was just saying, what's the catch?

Sorry, I didn't get it there either.

Ted, I've been thinking about the Tea Master thing.

There must be some sort of a catch.

What?

No.

There's no catch.

Just watch this.

[noisy whirring]

See?

Perfect.

Father, actually there's someone--

What?

There's actually someone-- are you all right there, Father?

Yes.

But it's actually quite hard to breathe.

If you could just--

What?

I really am finding it quite hard.

- Would you just get up? - What?

- Dougal, put on that music. - What?

Put on the music that makes Father Jack stand up.

What?

[patriotic music]

Sorry about that.

Up.

Up.

Father Jack likes us all to stand

up when that music comes on.

Up.

Sing.

Sing.

[singing]

Again, again.

Will you have a go at this with me?

Get out of the way.

No, Father, it's just a bit of fun.

Yes, well, we sort of thought Father

Jack was jumping through that window a little too often.

That's why we put in the Plexiglas.

Anyway, my speech.

What did you think of it?

We all have a look at the Christmas film?

Yes.

That was Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Now, a special extended Latin mass from St.

Martin's cathedral in Dublin.

Oh, great, mass.

God, I just remembered, I'm supposed to be doing

something terribly important.

And the thing I'm supposed to be doing,

I just remembered, I've got to telephone this fellow on death

row that I befriended recently, because he's being executed

tomorrow for mass murder.

So you know, I would say he's pretty low at the moment.

God Almighty, and did he do it?

I don't know. Yes.

No.

Yes.

Do you want any help talking to him?

Because he might get hysterical and start crying,

and I could say pull yourself together, man.

All right.

There's been a big accident, so I should go too.

I've got a phone call there while you

were all somewhere else.

Right.

So, we're all off, so.

Father Unctious, you coming too?

I could get you a lift.

No.

I'll stay a while.

Ah, great, mass.

Father Alton Crosby is doing it.

I'm a huge fan of his.

He gives good mass.

He what?

He really knows how to work the altar.

Look at that challis work.

Effortless.

Oh, well, we'd be off so, see you all soon.

See ya.

It's been great.

Bye.

Thanks for coming to the awards ceremony where I got my award.

Now on BBC One, the director's cut of Jurassic

Park with extra dinosaurs.

That was a fantastic day.

It was, Ted.

It was a brilliant day.

Fantastic fun.

I'd say it was one of the best Christmas days ever.

Dougal, I was being sarcastic.

Oh, right.

So was I.

And there's that fellow Todd Unctious.

I didn't invite him, did you?

- Huh? - No, that's right.

I barred you from inviting people to the house

after that tramp stayed for a week.

Remember that when I was away?

That wasn't a tramp, Ted.

That was the prime minister of France.

No, Dougal, he just lied to you.

Todd Unctious.

I don't remember him at all.

Who the hell is he?

Maybe he had a nickname, like you know, Terry Wogan.

Terry Wogan?

What's his nickname?

What?

You mean, that's his real name?

Anyway, don't worry about it, Ted.

I'm sure he'll be gone in the morning.

[knocking]

There you are.

Hello there.

Look at ya lying in there like a big idiot.

Well, here we all are now.

All the lads.

Just like in the old days, eh?

Do you remember all the fun we used to have in the showers?

Do you still have the big, old hairy arse?

Fluff, Todd.

That wasn't hair, that was a bit of downy fluff.

Oh, God, memories.

Remember the time you all mixed off to the Diana concert.

I couldn't go because I was recovering

from a massive car accident.

Did I show you the scar?

There you are.

See that crescent shape there?

God, yes.

Yes.

And that series of tiny little indentations all

along me inner thigh?

It's really--

They run the whole way up to me groin.

How about we go to the pictures.

I really fancy seeing a good film.

Ah, Ted, it's 1:30 in the morning.

You go off to sleep. I was just wandering around.

Sometimes I can't sleep, and I need a good walk

to calm myself down.

You don't mind, do ya?

No, no, no, no, you do that.

All right, so, goodnight, and Happy Christmas, Ted.

God almighty, Dougal.

I'm not going out of this room until tomorrow.

I don't want to risk bumping into that weirdo

in his nudiness. Goodnight, Dougal.

[thumping]

Get away from that award.

Feck off.

It's just you, Father.

Listen, turn off the light before you come up, won't you?

And please, don't slam the door.

What's wrong, Mackenzie?

I don't want you to panic, but there's a dangerous burglar

in the house.

What?

In fact, in this very room.

Hiding.

A burglar in the room, you say.

My god.

Yeah, in fact, I think it's safe to say the burglar was

definitely in the room. There he is.

Where?

Ah.

Dougal, Dougal, you have nightmares.

Dougal, I thought I told you not to watch that film?

Ted, no, I wasn't watching it, Ted.

I just came down to carry the milk around.

Go on, Dougal, up to bed with you.

Hello, Your Holiness.

President Robinson, well done on everything.

Mr. De Niro, Bob, Bob, I loved you in "Godfather 2."

Todd.

Ah!

He won't be doing any more burglaries where he is going.

Where's that?

Well, uh, prison.

Yes, of course, sorry.

But Sergeant, tell me, how did he know so much about me?

I'm curious about that myself.

Unctious, if that's your real name.

I already told you it wasn't.

How did you know so much about Father Crilly?

Is this off the record?

Of course.

Well, I was in Celridge a few days ago.

Got talking to this old priest in a bar.

He was a bit cagey at first, but a few shots of JD and he

was singing like a bird.

The Golden Cleric they call it, giving it to an old pal

of mine, Ted Crilly.

Met him on Dolly Moon Strand.

As I listened, a plan formed in my head.

We drank long into the night, me paying, of course.

Him spilling his guts on the subject

of a certain Father Ted Crilly.

He got a mane of while hair, kind of like you get on a mule.

Used to wet the bed at St. Collins.

Big, hairy ass.

The longer he talked, the better it got.

Lives with a pig ignorant old timer named Jack Hackett,

and a poor, strange idiot boy.

After that, all I needed was the right costume.

Perfect.

But you're a priest, I mean, why?

It's a long story.

I used to be like you, a completely average bog

standard, run of the mill cleric.

Then I won first prize in the County West Mead

Priest of the Year competition.

I guess I went to my head.

After that, I started hitting the altar wine too hard.

Going easy on people in confession, getting

backhanders for doing quick masses.

All I wanted was trophies and prizes,

but the one that really got me hard was the Golden Cleric.

No, no, no, no, Todd.

What I was going to ask you was, you're a priest, I mean,

why did you take the other priest's clothes?

I don't know.

It was just going that way.

Well, I've got bad news for you so-called Todd Unctious.

That wasn't off the record.

I'm using that as evidence against you.

That's completely unfair.

Take him away.

Thanks, Sergeant.

There will be an award in this, Father.

You both should be very proud of yourselves.

A reward.

Not such a bad day after all.

Well done, Fathers.

Now.

That's a handy old thing you have there, Mrs. Doyle.

Modern technology, it's brilliant, isn't it?

It is indeed.

And thanks again, Father, it's the best

Christmas present ever.

What about the tea machine?

Oh, yes.

I'll go and crank it up right now.

Oh, no, I don't like the sound of that at all.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Doyle, we're just

going to have to get it fixed.

No, Father, don't.

Please.

What?

Father, I love the whole tea making thing.

You know, the playful splash of the tea as it hits the bottom

of the cup, the thrill of adding the make milk,

and watching it settle for the moment

before it filters slowly down through the cup,

changing the color from dark brown to a lighter brown.

Perching on optional jaffa cake on the saucer,

like a proud soldier standing to attention

beside a giant cup of tea.

Just think, Father, remember all the great times we had

when I used to make the tea.

You're right, Mrs. Doyle.

You know, tea out of a machine is like milk out

of a baby's bottle.

The baby doesn't want it out of a bottle.

He wants it out of his mother's--

anyway.

Why don't you just go and make us

both a nice normal cup of tea?

Righto, Father, and don't you worry, it'll be tea-riffic.

Tea-riffic.

Bloody hell, Dougal.

You know, Dougal, the priesthood,

it's not about awards and glamor.

It's about hard graft and attending

to the spiritual needs of your parishioners.

You know that Todd Unctious fellow,

that could have been me.

Really?

That explains a lot.

No, Dougal, I don't think you picked up

on what I meant there.

[phone ringing]

I could have been a bad priest, you know?

I could have been lazy, arrogant,

not giving a damn about the needs of my parishioners.

Ted it's Mrs. Gillicutty.

She wanted to do one of those remembrance masses.

I'm not in.

He's not in.

OK, bye.

You know, Dougal, I'm sorry about my recent silliness.

You know, you deserve this award as much as me.

Really? Thanks, Ted.

That's great. Thanks very much.

Why don't we just leave it in he case?

Oh, you better, I suppose.

Yeah.

And my name on the plaque, we won't bother changing that.

All right.

I know the awards mine, and that's good enough for me.

Listen, I'm going to have a bath, you know?

Help me calm down after the day.

OK.

Dougal, what are you doing?

Just having a bit of a laugh.

[theme music]