Original subtitles

[incoherent shouting]

These really do work, don't they, Dougal?

Oh, you're right there, Ted.

[incoherent shouting]

[theme music]

[dive bomb]

[explosion]

So then, you're a nun.

Right, Sister Monica.

I've left your bags in the hall.

I thought before we dropped you at the ball,

you might like to go and see the holy stone.

- The what? - The holy stone of Clonrichert.

Oh great.

It's one of the holiest lumps of rock in Europe,

and you can get these magnificent souvenir

combs there.

They're fantastic combs.

I got this one last year, and you

can see there they've written, I saw

the holy stone of Clonrichert.

The stone is great.

We've seen it I think about 300 times.

Well, why not?

It'll round off the weekend.

If you thought the [inaudible] night was exciting, this will

drive you right over the edge.

It's all been leading up to the holy stone.

What's so holy about it anyway, father?

It's just a general kind of holiness, you know?

Father Dougal stood beside of there once for about 10 minutes

and he got a great sense of serenity.

Yes, I-- I got a great buzz off it.

But why is it called the holy stone of Clonrichert?

I thought Clonrichert was in [inaudible]..

It is.

The holy stone was up there, but it wasn't doing great business.

So a treat in store for you.

Well, wonderful!

That'll be wonderful.

I'll just go and freshen up.

She'll be putting on makeup, I suppose.

Impress the lads, huh?

Ah, no, she's probably just going to the toilet.

Aren't nuns great, though, Ted?

It-- it's good because you don't feel as nervous with them

as you do at real women, do you?

Ah, you're right there.

Yeah.

Even though I only got the courage

to talk for a few minutes ago, it's nice to have a nun around.

Gives the place a bit of glamor, huh?

A woman's touch.

Anyway, listen.

I better go and rouse Jack and tell him we're off

Ted says you were touching him.

Father Jack, you all right there?

Ready for another day?

I'm off with Sister Monica now.

If the minute man calls, the money's

under the statue of our Lord being

embarrassed by the Romans.

All right, then?

Would you like a cup of tea before I go?

Morning, father.

FATHER TED: I know you won't mind us leaving you alone

because Father Dougal got a new video for you,

"Reservoir Dogs."

It's probably not as violent as the ones

you usually like, but, [inaudible] well, give it a go.

What are you doing?

- This looks very bad, Ted. - What?

He's very drunk.

Still?

He must have been at it all night.

Where does he hide it? - I don't know.

I haven't seen him this bad since that

wedding in [inaudible], Ted.

Do you remember?

Didn't he disappear off with Sister Rimelda.

God, yes, the blue nun.

Oh no, Ted.

Look at this.

Oh God, pull this.

Father, this is very bad.

Do you not remember what the [inaudible] did to you?

Father Jack!

Father Jack, are you there?

Ted.

Imagine the damage floor polish would do you.

My dear God!

- Ted. - What is this?

Ah, I'm in tremendous pain, Ted.

Put it down, then!

Oh.

God, Dougal!

Come on, we'd better go.

Get them into the arms.

Come on now, father. Come on.

You can't have Sister Monica seeing you like this.

Come on, big steps. - What's the matter?

There you are, Sister Monica!

That's just Father Jack's, uh, motor.

Takes a little time to get going in the mornings.

He doesn't look well.

Oh, ho, ho, he's grand.

We're just taking him on a little trip to the toilet.

We're gonna go on a little trip to the toilet, Father.

Would you put him down there in that chair

and we'll have a look at him.

He doesn't like to be fussed over.

And I really think you should let me look at him.

Oh holy mother of God!

He's dead!

What's the problem there, sister?

Father-- Father Jack is dead!

There's no pulse and he's stone cold!

Come on how, Father.

You're not dead, are you?

He's very definitely dead.

Come on, Father.

The joke's over.

Father, he's gone.

I think he should go and get help.

And Father Dougal here can give the sacraments.

Right, well, I'll call Dr. [inaudible],,

but frankly, I think you're making

a big fuss about nothing.

The last rites, father.

Oh right, yeah, of course.

Uh, shouldn't we wait for Ted?

But there's no need, really.

Is there any anointing oil?

No, I think himself drank it last week.

You-- you sure you wouldn't like to do the honors yourself

What?

No, of course not.

I suppose-- I suppose I'm wearing the trousers

as far as this job goes.

Right, well, we are gathered here

today to join two people to--

oh, sorry.

That's not it of course, yeah.

Well, Father, best of luck.

Of course, yeah, there's more.

Um, uh, sorry.

Didn't get a chance to see you off.

I don't know if I should be talking

to you down here or up there.

Look up there [inaudible].

So anyway, you're there now with our-- our Lord

and Stalin and Bob Marley and--

and the rest of them and of course my own parents.

Actually I'd like to take this opportunity

to say hello to them.

Uh, hello, mommy and daddy.

I hope they're looking after you up there.

The Latin, Father.

Oh right, yeah.

Uh totus tous aminimus cannus costa carte

baggio Roberto [inaudible]

Oh, did you ring the doctor, Father?

Right, well, it looks bad, all right.

I-- I called Dr. [inaudible].

I gave him the symptoms over the phone.

And he said he's probably dead, all right.

The pulse not bieng there is bad enough,

but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.

That happened to my uncle and he was fine afterwards.

His heart stopped? For how long?

- Uh, a week. - A week?

Really?

And he was fine afterwards? - Actually, no.

Now I think of it, uh, he died.

I think it's absolutely great to see.

I mean, the level of commitment amongst the African church--

bringing the faith to the people is just wonderful.

It's marvelous, isn't it?

Sure, I wouldn't know him from [inaudible]..

Will you have a sandwich, Father Cleary?

No, no thanks, Mrs. Doyle.

I'm fine.

Have a try.

They're diagonal.

So I see, but, uh, no thanks, anyway.

Oh, go on. Sure?

They're only small.

No, no, [inaudible].

Are you sure you won't have one?

Ah, no thanks, Mrs. Doyle.

I-- I ate before I came out.

Would you like one for later?

I could put it in a bag.

Ah, no, no, [inaudible].

No, no.

Here's a little bag you can bring one home in.

No, no, no.

And here's a bigger bag you can put the little bag into.

No!

And you can be eat it later.

You can eat it now if you want, whatever suits you.

Oh [inaudible]

Ah, you'll have one now.

Ah, sure, I might as well.

Mrs. Doyle.

I think Father Mackey would like a sandwich.

Father Mackey, will you have a sandwich?

I am terribly sorry I'm late, Ted.

Oh, the car!

Oh, the car broke down!

That's all right.

Father Fay, how are you?

Ohh, ill I am.

He is.

This was very quick.

[inaudible]

Ah yes, I suppose so.

[inaudible]

In New Zealand and a sister in South Africa.

Oh, [inaudible] Ted.

Why is it always the good ones?

Oh, ho, ho, you bastard!

Now, father!

He could have been Pope, Ted!

But the fecking Jesuits, they have it all tied up.

Yes.

Imagine, Ted!

A Polish Pope!

It shouldn't been Jack.

But it's not what you know, is it?

It's who you know.

That's sad.

But, um, look at him there. He looks quite serene.

Oh God!

No, no, no, no!

He's dead, Ted!

Oh, we'll never see him again!

We'll see him in the next world.

Oh yeah, sure.

[inaudible]

Oh God, no!

Get him down!

Get him down!

Get him down!

Feck off!

Give me lots to drink!

Oh!

Arse! Feck!

Drink!

Feck off!

Oh, Ted, you big fool!

- What are you doing, Dougal? - Oh!

I don't think you should be getting

up to this kind of nonsense. Come on now.

Up you get.

You should leave his chair idle for a while.

Did you ever look at that?

He's completely bald.

Smooth as a baby's behind.

You'd know all about that, Ted.

What?

You know, when you're baptizing them, the babies.

Oh, [inaudible].

I'm going to give Sister Monica a lift down to the boat.

Thank you, father.

Oh no, it's the least we could do.

You're always very good to Father Jack.

It's the least we could do.

Excuse me, father Cleary.

There's a woman here to see you.

A woman, Mrs. Doyle?

I think you mean a nun.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's a woman, all right--

a young woman, with a skirt.

I'll be off, then.

Hello.

Father Cleary?

Yes?

I'm from Corless, Corless, and Sweeney.

Oh, ho, ho, we're fine for coal, thanks.

Ah, no, it's nothing to do with coal.

My name is Laura Sweeney.

And this must be Father McGuire.

Mm.

Anyway, I think you both better sit down.

I've got a bit of a shock for you.

Before you say anything, I want

to assure you that that was just a routine relocation of funds.

Oh, no, no.

The-- the money was resting in my account

before I actually [inaudible]

No, you don't understand.

This is about Father Hackett.

Now please, sit down, and I'll explain everything to you.

Now it may come as a surprise for you

to learn that Father Hackett left a will.

Did he? Ha.

What does it say?

Well, if I may, I, father Jack Hackett,

being of sound mind and body--

Sorry.

--leave my entire fortune to Father Ted Clearly

and Father Dougal McGuire to be distributed

equally amongst them and--

I'll be-- I'll be off now then, Father.

I'll make the way to the boat myself, then.

Yeah, yeah.

Bye, Fathers.

Yeah, bye.

Look at this, Dougal!

Father Jack left us money!

That's very nice of him.

How much?

Ha-- half--

half million pounds.

Half a million pounds!

Each!

Oh no, between us.

It's only a quarter of a million each, Ted.

Ted.

Ted?

So that's that.

Looks like you're going to be very rich men.

Grand.

There's just that sole requirement

which I'm surprised Father Hackett didn't

discuss with you himself.

Oh?

When is the funeral again?

Again?

Well, we haven't had the first one yet, so--

No.

Ah, sorry.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

It's tomorrow morning.

Right, well, you know about Father Hackett's terrible fear

of being buried alive.

Well, there's no chance of that now, is there?

I mean, you know, like, he's dead.

Oh yes, he's terribly frightened of that.

That's why he wouldn't do confession.

He didn't like enclosed spaces.

Of course, he also just didn't want to do it.

A load of strangers telling you their sins.

Sure, who'd be bothered with that?

Well, Father Hackett's fear--

Father Hackett's fear was so great

that he stipulated that you two must spend the night

before the burial with him.

OK, all right.

I suppose that's the least we can do.

Anyway, we can discuss it with the solicitor.

No, I am the solicitor.

No you're not.

I'm sorry, but I'm the senior partner in Corless,

Corless, and Sweeney.

Now, come on, now.

Just because we're from the island,

you think you can have a bit of fun with us.

I assure you.

All right, all right.

The big [inaudible] from the island.

Well, we're not as thick as we look, eh?

No way, Jose.

Now wait a second.

Why do you think I've been talking to you

for the last hour and a half?

Look, you're a lovely girl, but I really think you

should talk to the solicitor.

If you're a solicitor, I'm Boy George.

(SINGING) Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon.

You come and go, you come and go.

Karma, karma, karma, karma, Karma, chameleon.

(SPEAKING) Oh, how's your head, Ted?

Not too bad.

It's true what they say about these career women.

They're very aggressive.

Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted?

Oh, and the language out of her.

You wouldn't hear of it from a docker.

I, you would.

They use very bad language.

F'in this and f'in that.

It was worse than that, Ted. She was saying fu--

Now, Dougal!

Anyway, who'd have thought Father Jack

had half a million pounds?

And he never said a word about it.

There it was, lying in the bank account all these years.

How did he get it all in the first place?

Well, as far as I understand it,

he was just an astute saver.

He tried to avoid giving money to charity.

He wouldn't wear trousers during the summer.

That obviously saved a couple of Bob in wear and tear.

All sorts of little less savings here and there all

over the place.

It all adds up, you know.

I suppose we all knew you really knew him in his twilight years.

But I think we saw the best of him, the really lovely man,

the true knight of the church--

gentle, lovely sense of humor, patient, good natured

Sorry, Ted.

Who's this now?

Who do you think I'd be talking

about at this particular moment, Dougal?

I'm not sure, I didn't catch the start.

Jack, of course.

Oh, right.

Yes, yeah.

A great priest.

First priest to denounce The Beatles.

That's right.

[inaudible]

He could see what they were up to.

And he loved children, of course.

Oh, he did, yes.

They were terrified of him, though.

Well, he had that stick, you know.

And he'd be waving that stick.

And sure, maybe they thought he'd hit them.

I heard when he was teaching in St. Columns

that he was a great believer in discipline.

[grunting]

Would you say he was a good teacher?

Friend of mine had him.

Father Jimmy Ranable studied under him

for a couple of years.

And he told me once.

He said, no one--

no one had such a huge effect on him as Father Jack.

Father Jimmy Ranable.

Oh yeah, whatever happened to him?

Do you remember the [inaudible] massacre?

Yeah.

That was him.

Oh.

Another thing about Jack--

he loved a bit of competition.

He had a great sense of fair play.

And a great traditionalist-- he didn't

agree with a lot of the modern thinking within the church.

You'll burn for all eternity in hell!

Hell!

Funny-- one moment you're here, the next moment--

and in the happy [inaudible] time of his sleeping,

death took him by the hand.

You know, someone once said that life

is a thin sliver of light between two

immensities of darkness.

Makes you think.

It does, Ted.

About what?

About death, Dougal.

About death!

That's very morbid, isn't it, Ted?

What's there to get off thinking about death?

Still, it's good we have this time with him.

Maybe sometimes we weren't always as thoughtful

as we could have been.

But at least now, we're able to have this time with him,

to treat him with the respect he deserves.

Aye, you're right there, Ted.

Do you fancy now a game of charades?

Yes Yes, I think so!

DOUGAL: Great, so you go first.

Right, I'll start.

I'll give you an easy one, [inaudible]..

Ah, fishing!

Ah, gone fishing!

Something to do with boxing-- one handed boxing!

No, film!

You're not supposed to tell me, Ted!

OK.

Film.

One film.

One word.

Come on, Ted!

You're making it a bit too easy for me.

[inaudible] need you to know.

Right, one more, film.

Can't be Too many of them.

"Salem's Lot."

Ah, tongue!

Ah, mouth, teeth!

Ah, is there a film called "Toung?"

"Tongue Tongue."

No, um, it's tongue fish!

Swim tongue!

Uh, uh, uh!

Fish!

Attack of the giant killing fish!

Tongue! Tongue fish!

The deep!

Piranha!

"Jaws II!"

Um, or close then.

Ah, um, Gho-- "Ghostbusters II!"

"Superman II!"

No, um.

"Batman Return!"

You had it [inaudible] "Jaws!"

No, I had "Jaws II," Ted! It's a different film!

It's a very different film!

It's a different shark!

Ted, are you still awake, Ted? - Yes, yes.

Just want to ask you a question.

Ah, not again, Dougal.

Look, when a man and a lady are very much in love--

No, no.

No, I didn't want to ask that, Ted.

I just wanted to ask you.

Do you believe in an afterlife?

Do I what?

Do you believe in an afterlife?

Well, Dougal, generally speaking,

priests tend to have a very strong belief in the afterlife.

Boy, I wish I had your faith, Ted.

Dougal, how did you get into the church?

Was it like collect 12 crisp packs and become a priest?

Ted--

Dougal, please let me go to sleep.

I was just wondering.

What are you going to do with your share of the money?

Well, I-- luckily, there are always

lots of charity organizations that are grateful from money.

There's Concern, St. Vincent de Paul, Food for Africa,

Help the Aging.

[club music]

And maybe a few pounds for comic relief.

So some good will come from Father Jack's death.

Tax It's hard to believe he's gone, though, isn't it, Ted?

Ah, you're right there.

[snoring]

It's beginning to snow again.

The flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely

against the lamplight.

It's probably snowing all over the island--

on the central plain, on the treeless hills,

falling softly upon the graveyards,

upon the crosses and the headstones,

upon all the living and the dead.

Shut the feck up!

Ah!

Ted, Ted!

What's wrong, Ted?

Father Jack, did you see what happened to Ted?

What happened, Father Jack?

What-- oh!

[snoring]

So there he is, risen from the dead like that fella ET.

There's one thing that confuses me, though.

- Yes? - Is jack dead then, or what?

Apparently not.

The floor polish brought about all

the symptoms of death such as no heartbeat,

rigor mortis, decomposition.

But he was lucky.

The effects just wore off him.

It's good to have him back, though, isn't it?

Mmm.

Who needs half a million pounds, anyway?

Yes, ah, our life is the spiritual life.

[club music]

But to be honest, I don't like talking about this,

but it's only a matter of time.

I mean, he's not a young man.

And you know, and I suppose, when he's gone,

it won't be so bad.

The money will be some kind of comfort to us.

Yeah, that's something.

Now you better come down to the shops with me.

I want to buy some more floor polish.

Maybe we should get a few different brands-- you know,

just to try them out, like.

Yes, and we can leave them all around the house

so they won't get lost.

Or we could leave one in Jack's room

and ask him to keep an eye on them.

Drink!

Feck off!