Original subtitles

I must've read that book 10 times.

Now, I love a bit of Oscar Wilde, I suppose.

He always does it for me.

Oh, Wilde.

The only thing worse than being talked about

is not being talked about.

Exactly.

Wilde couldn't put it better himself.

Well, it was him who said that actually, Father.

Yes, yes, but I don't think he'd have said it

in that kind of lady like way.

Oh, oh, you're a charmer, father.

Ms. Clark, I don't suppose you'd

sign a copy of the latest.

I'd be delighted.

Father Ted Cl-- no, just Ted Crilly.

Don't-- don't bother about the Father, actually.

I envy you really, Father.

You must have great peace of mind being a priest.

That's what I'd love--

a feeling of serenity.

Oh, I have serenity coming out of my ears.

Too much serenity, really.

A bit of excitement would suit me down to the ground.

Thanks for the autograph. I have to go.

We have some moms nuns coming to visit on the island

so we're all very busy. - Oh, OK, father.

Thank you.

Good luck with the book. - Thank you.

Buh bye!

Feck.

Hi, there.

Father Crilly.

Good up?

Thanks.

Well, good luck the book again.

- Thank you very much, Father. - Bye.

Bye.

Well, hello again.

Ah, hello.

We have to stop meeting like this.

Goodbye, again.

Good luck with the book.

Change.

Please change, for God's sake.

Good luck with the book!

Please change.

Please.

Please change.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord's with thee.

Blessed art thou-- oh, here we go.

Oh, God almighty.

Oh Christ.

Sorry about that!

[punch]

All Right, what's going on?

Ms. Clark!

What are you doing here?

I'm the parish priest here.

That's extraordinary!

I think someone's trying to keep us together.

I've rented a cottage on the island, you see,

but it's not ready yet.

So the builders suggested I stay here for the night.

Is that OK?

This is amazing!

We-- we were both going the same way.

Well, yes, of course you'd be very welcome to stay the night.

Hello, Father.

I see you've met your guest.

Mrs. Doyle, Ms. Clark will be staying the night.

Will you show her where the spare room is?

What?

Will you show her to the spare room?

Well, yes, it's just that I was going to make some tea.

Well, you can do that later.

I think tea is bit common for Ms. Clark's tastes.

All right, come on.

Have a shower.

I mean, have a shower if you want.

I mean, I don't want you to have a shower.

I just mean that you might like to get out of your clothes,

though obviously that's no concern of mine.

Mrs. Doyle--

Hey.

[gasp]

Who was that, Ted?

Dougal, what you think you're doing?

I was hiding, Ted.

Hiding from who?

Hiding from your woman.

I heard her coming in, so I just jumped in behind the chair.

Dougal, she-- she's only a woman.

I don't know very many women, Ted.

Dougal, what about your mother?

My mother, she's hardly what you'd call a-- a woman, Ted.

She's not like one of the women you see on the telly,

like-- like the gladiators.

She wouldn't be one of them, Ted.

And I, uh, I'm sure that's their loss.

What about Mrs. Doyle? She's a woman.

Ah, now, Ted.

Come on.

Yes, she is, Dougal.

She's every bit as much a woman as one of the gladiators

or the lady who runs Pakistan.

What you mean is that she's not attractive

in the conventional sense.

And you can't think like that anymore, Dougal.

Anyway, who's that one you were talking to, Ted?

She's a novelist. I was at her book signing.

She's taken a cottage on the island--

very sophisticated.

[screaming]

Father, I'm sorry.

I just got a bit of a shock.

Come on now, Father.

That's it.

This is Father Hackett.

He gets a bit confused sometimes.

Come on, Father.

No, not your room.

Not your room. No--

[punch]

Arse! Feck!

Arse!

Dougal, give me the cards.

Quickly! - Arse!

Feck! - What color, Ted?

Blue. Quickly, Dougal!

Get

Arse--

The old blue has a great calming effect on him.

That's right. That's Ms. Clark.

Dougal-- - Woman!

Yes, it is a woman, father.

Right on the button!

Well, have a lovely stay, then.

Hello, Dougal.

Ah, good idea, Ted.

You're throwing out the ones you couldn't get through.

No, no, Dougal.

I was just arranging them in alphabetical order.

You're, uh bringing Father Jack out for a walk, then.

Ah, yeah, I suppose so.

Do you want to come along?

Ah, no, no.

I'd-- I'd better stay here and prepare for the nuns.

Here we are, Father.

It's a beautiful day out.

Me arse!

Would you like it on manual or automatic, Father?

Ah, automatic, I think.

It's a nice day.

Might as well take it easy.

That's right, Dougal.

You take your time.

Fair enough.

[unintelligible grunting]

Well, father, I never thought we'd have

anyone like her staying here. - Hm?

Oh, Ms. Clark.

Yes, it's very exciting, isn't it?

A famous novelist here.

You've never read any of her books, have you, father?

Actually, I'm a bit of a fan.

That's where I was the other day, at her book signing.

Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father.

I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing.

I read a bit of one of them once.

God, I couldn't finish it.

The language-- unbelievable!

Yes, it's a bit gritty, but that's

the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.

Ah, it was a bit much for me, father.

Feck this and feck that.

Yes, Mrs. Doyle. Still

You big bastard.

Oh, dreadful language.

You big hairy arse.

You big fecker.

Fierce stuff.

And of course, the F word, Father.

The bad F word, worse than feck.

You know the one I mean.

Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.

F you.

F your F'in wife.

Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that.

I stick this effing pitchfork up your hole.

That was another one.

Oh yes!

I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.

Bastard this and bastard that.

You can't move for the bastards in her novels.

It's wall to wall bastards.

Is it, Mrs. Doyle!

Anyway--

You bastard, you fecker, you bollucks.

Get your bollucks out of my face--

Father.

Yes, you-- you just go and prepare for the nuns.

MRS. DOYLE: Ride me sideways was another one.

Ah, there we go.

Ah, Ms. Clark!

How did you sleep?

Oh, like a log.

It's so peaceful here!

Thank God.

I needed a bit of peace after the year I've had.

I see.

I've had a rough time of it recently, father.

My husband left me for another woman.

Though It was my fault, I suppose.

The sex was getting a little boring

and I did nothing to spice it up.

Cha, isn't that always the way?

But near the end, I tried a few things.

I used to dress up in really revealing lingerie,

and when he came through the door, I leapt on top of him

and had sex right there in the hall.

So you had a good sleep then.

Yes, I did.

Oh God, I'm sorry, Father.

I've probably shocked you.

Ha, ho, go-- go away with you.

I've heard far more shocking things down through the years

in confession, ah?

Do you ever think about the future, father?

I used to think about the future,

and then it became the present.

So I thought about it quite often then,

and then it was in the past.

So I-- I didn't think about it that much.

Do you like Dostoevsky?

Oh, him!

Yes, yes.

He's, uh-- he's one of my favorites.

I-- I must have read that book, whoa, 10 times.

I see you're reading it again.

There's a bookmark here on page seven.

Did you feel his sense of commitment wane

towards the end?

Yes!

When did you feel that began to happen?

Oh, towards the end, you know, after he'd

finished writing about the crime and moved on to the punishment,

you know.

Felt it dragged a bit there for me.

I always thought that if Joyce, Keats, and Laurence were

sitting in a room together and Dostoevsky

walked in, there be a hell of a fight

for the last piece of pudding.

Father, you know it's great to talk

to somebody about these things.

My husband, mmm, there was a man who was really

afraid of Virginia Woolf.

Why was-- was she following him or something?

Oh, Father, I don't--

you-- you wouldn't like to come up

to the cottage later for a little drink or-- or maybe

some more book talk?

That would be delight--

[mumbling]

Sorry?

I'd be delighted at it.

I'll see you later then, Father.

About 7:00?

7 o'clock.

7:00, right.

It's only a drink.

So you'd-- you'd no trouble getting here.

No, no.

I drove Sister Julia in the rental.

Sister Margaret took the mini.

It's great having the old car all the same, isn't it?

Anyone for more tea?

Sister Margaret, do you want some?

No thank you, father.

Sorry?

Ah, she's fine, father.

At what time does the mass tonight start, Father?

7 o'clock.

On Oh, that's grand.

We don't want to be too late.

Well, 7:00 isn't too-- ah!

You all right, father?

Yes, yes, it's-- there's just--

7 o'clock.

I-- I-- I may have to leave early.

During the mass?

Oh, you couldn't leave during the mass, could you, Father?

It's just that, you see, I'm--

Sister Julia says that you say a lovely mass.

She said that you said one of the nicest masses she ever

heard.

And Sister Conceptus said that last year's mass here

was fabulous.

She said she'd give it 10 out of 10

and she's very hard to please.

She's seen you do, what, is it about 50 masses since then?

Let's show Father Crilly the photographs, Teresa.

You'll like these, father.

Oh, there's you saying the mass here last year.

And that's you saying the mass the year before.

What's that?

Oh, yes, that's your sister-in-law's funeral.

That's my personal favorite.

That's when you had the beard.

Actually, Father, you couldn't sign a few of them for us,

could you?

The photographs?

SISTER ASSUMPTA: Yes.

All right.

Oh, could you put on my one, to Sister Assumpta?

Sure.

Oh!

Father, Sister Margaret has a question.

Yes?

Where do you get your ideas for your sermons?

Where do you get your ideas for your sermons?

Oh, just overheard conversations, the news,

whatever.

Listen, I have to be honest with you.

I might not be able to--

Sister Julia, do you have a question?

What's your most embarrassing moment saying mass?

Oh, well, I suppose it was the time I

forgot my sister in law's name.

That got me a bit hot under the collar.

[laughter]

Anyway, anyway, the thing is, I might not be able to say

this evening's mass.

What, Father?

I have something quite important to do.

Not more important than saying mass, father.

It's just someone I know is-- is dying.

Oh dear!

Is it serious?

Well, yes.

In this case, the person dying is quite seriously ill.

It's-- it's someone we know very well.

Nuns! Nuns!

Reverse!

Reverse!

Reverse!

Reverse!

Oh, Father McGuire.

Father Crilly was just telling us about your friend dying.

Who's that, Ted?

Um, oh, uh, old Jim.

Ah, is he dying, poor old Jim?

He won't like that.

He's terribly down about it.

Wait a second, Jim Halpin?

Yes.

I was just talking to him earlier

and he didn't say a thing about it.

Well, that's Jim.

Brave is not the word.

He's just outside.

hold on there and I'll get him.

What?

What's he doing outside?

He should be at home in bed! - I know.

You see, I met him earlier.

He just wanted to lend us some sugar.

Hold on there. Jim!

Dougal, at a moment like this, this man needs peace.

So just don't be-- ah, hello, Jim.

Hello, Father.

Hello, sisters.

Now, Jim, you never told me you were ill.

Huh?

I had a bit of a cold a few weeks back.

A cold!

Well, Ted said you were dying.

Dying?

Oh, no.

I don't think so, anyway.

Well, it's just I was talking to Dr. Sinnot, and he said--

he said that you-- that you might be dying

but he wasn't 100% sure himself.

So don't go off worrying yourself unnecessarily.

Ah, mighty I'd had better give them a call.

I-- I wouldn't go calling him, Jim.

And why not?

He-- he can't use the phone.

He's gone deaf.

Dr. Sinnot's gone deaf.

That's terrible!

It is, all right.

Oh, wait a second!

There he is now!

Dr. Sinnot!

Doc-- he heard that all right, Ted.

Doctor, would you have a moment?

Actually, actually wait.

I just remembered!

Jim is not dying.

Ha ha!

And Dr. Sinnot's not gone deaf.

I was thinking of two completely different people.

So you will be able to say tonight's mass then, father.

Yes, yes, I will, of course.

Thanks to Father Dougal for clearing up

that little misunderstanding.

Ted, Ted, you're hurting me.

All right, listen, Dougal.

I'm going to have to go straight after this.

You'd have to look after the nuns.

Fair enough, Ted.

What'll I do with them?

Whatever you want.

Just try not to kill them or anything.

Amen to that, Ted.

Remember Sister Geneva.

Oh yeah, that was a bit too close for comfort, all right,

yeah?

Just be careful this time around.

Oh God, are they all in there?

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

Like peas in a pub, Ted.

Pod.

Right, let's go.

See you later. - OK.

Good luck, Ted.

[latin-like mumbling]

Right.

Please.

Please.

Please?

Please?

Please?

Sorry about that, fella.

Didn't see you there!

No problem, Tom.

Hey, could you give me a lift?

Thanks again for the lift, Tom.

TOM: No problem, fella!

I just have to pop into the post office for a moment.

Ah, well, it's just for a little bit--

I'll only be a second.

Would you pass me up that parcel there?

It's just I'm suppose to meet someone.

God, that's heavy!

Come on now.

And you, shut up!

[gun shots]

Start the car!

You haven't been up to up your old tricks again,

have you, Tom?

No, it's my money.

I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

[screech]

[crash]

You came!

Come in and have a drink, Father Crilly.

I think I might have everything you want in here.

Oh.

Ted!

This is great, isn't it, Ted?

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, you know.

We were invited.

- Invited? - Yeah.

Same as you, Ted.

Can't have a housewarming on your own, can you?

No, no, I suppose you can't.

Very short mass tonight, father.

We were all a bit disappointed.

Weren't we, sisters?

We might not be coming back next year.

They say Father Kippish does a good long mass.

Three hours he does on a good night since his stroke.

That's value for money.

Well, you see, sis--

Oh, I'm sorry, Father.

I'm in a hurry.

And how do you get these open?

Night, Sister.

Night, Sister--

[squeal]

Night, Sister.

Now, Father.

[mumbling]

Father, before you go, could I have a quick word?

All right, uh, Dougal, you go on ahead.

I-- I'll be back in a while.

Right, Ted.

Would you like me to put something else on?

No, no, what you're wearing is fine.

Would you like another drink, Father Crilly?

Yes, yeah!

It was nice talking to you today.

Well, if you-- if you can't talk to a priest,

who can you talk to?

We're taught how to listen, you know?

Not that we had listening classes or anything

because it's not as if we didn't know how to listen before.

It's-- it's just being there and somebody talking to you,

which is quite easy, un--

unless you're deaf.

There's not an awful lot of work involved there, no--

no swatting for exams with the old listening.

Father, do you remember me telling you about reaching

a crossroads in my life?

Yes I do, Well, what do you think I should do?

I need advice.

This crossroads-- is it--

is it busy at all?

You know, Father, that's interesting.

I think one road leads back to where I was.

Now, that's a busy road.

Oh, it's filled with people and bright lights and traffic.

The other road is quiet country road with peace

and serenity and fulfillment.

I see.

Which one would you choose, father?

Well, it's, um--

that's an easy one.

Yes, I suppose it is obvious.

Bright lights, glamour, film premieres.

Well, no, I was--

Cocaine parties, drugs, busts, Las Vegas.

No, no, I--

Father, Father, Father, Father, Father.

Sorry, sorry.

What I was going to say was I know

I've made the right choice.

I know you have, Polly.

I'm with you all the way.

I'm going to become a nun.

Oh, feck.

What father?

Feck-- fecking marvelous news!

Oh, I was talking to Sister Julia earlier.

You know she's 97 years of age?

Did you ever think what it would be like to be

a 97-year-old nun, Father?

No.

I miss Craggy Island.

It's silly.

I know I've only been here a day.

But I'll always remember you.

In 20 years time when I'm looking in my prayerbook,

I'd probably still be thinking about father Ted Crilly.

Crilly.

What?

Father Ted Crilly.

Nice to meet you.

[laughter]

Oh no, Dougal.

Not again.

Sorry, Ted!

Uh, I was just looking for some change!

Oh well, back to the everyday grind.