Original subtitles

[film rise music playing]

[music playing]

[PLANE SOUND EFFECTS AND CRASHING]

TED: All right, are you ready Dougal?

DOUGAL: Ready when you, Ted.

TED: You'll like this, Dougal.

OK, here I come.

Who are you supposed to be, Ted?

What are you doing?

You two can't go as Elvis!

You-- wait a second.

You're Elvis, as well.

Of course I'm Elvis.

I've got Elvis written on my back.

I don't believe this.

A bit of a coincidence, all right, there.

Great minds think alike, I suppose.

I've been saying for the last two weeks

that I was going as Elvis.

That's probably where I got the idea.

This is great.

This really is-- the first all priest's stars

in the rise lookalike competition

I thought I had a chance of winning.

I've even cleared a space for the trophy

besides the one we got for coming third

in the noodle championships.

You might still win, Ted.

You never know.

And what if you're on before me?

I look an idiot.

Everyone will think I copied the idea off you.

Well Ted, to be fair now--

it is a bit weird you happened to think of it, as well.

Right.

Right.

I'll just have to go as Mother Teresa again.

Who are you supposed to be?

Elvis.

I'm Elvis.

I'm Elvis.

TED: I know you're Elvis, Father.

We're all Elvis.

That's the problem.

MRS. DOYLE: Tea, Fathers.

Feck off.

Nothing nicer than a cup of tea in the afternoon.

You look a bit different, Father.

Have you had a hair cut, or something?

No, I'm Elvis Presley.

Are you, Father?

That's a turn up for the books, anyway.

It's for the all priest's look alike show, tomorrow.

Oh, now I see.

Well, I must say I'm looking forward to that.

Is Father Keirnan coming?

He won't be, no.

He's a great laugh.

I remember him, last year, telling all his stories.

He had me in stitches.

You know, it is true what they say about chubby men, isn't it?

They are jollier than the rest of us.

They have a way of looking at things.

He shot himself.

Did he?

Yeah, that's terrible.

Still, I suppose that's often the way with fat men, isn't it?

They laugh to hide the tears.

But, that's life-- happy one minute, and the next

I suppose you just go and shoot yourself.

And that's that.

Anyway, tea.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Ted, how are you?

Dick Bern, here.

Hello, Dick.

How are things on Rugged Island?

Not so bad.

You all set for tomorrow?

The competition.

What have you got planned?

I shouldn't say.

That would be giving you an advantage.

Mother Teresa.

No.

I do think you might be with a chance of winning this year.

Oh well, do you really, Dick?

No.

Who was that, D?

Look Dougal, I'm asking you one more time.

Don't go as Elvis.

Huh?

Look, I've been looking forward to this for ages.

I know all the moves and everything.

I remember who who's judging this year.

Who's that?

Henry Sellers.

No, he's coming here?

Wow.

I told you this, Dougal.

Father Dunn is bringing him over.

I've never met a celebrity before.

You met the Pope.

Did I?

Don't you remember when we were in Rome?

That was the Pope?

That fellow, living in the art gallery?

The Vatican, Dougal.

That's the Vatican.

All the same, I wouldn't say he's

a celebrity like in the true sense of the word, you know?

The pope is God's representative

on Earth, Dougal.

You'd think he'd be taller.

What, like a giant?

Still though, Henry Sellers coming here.

[laughter] Henry Sellers, Henry Seller!

Dougal, Dougal calm down.

We have to concentrate on the Elvis problem.

Look, we toss for it.

Whoever wins can go as Elvis.

OK, all right.

Right, heads or tails?

Heads or tails, Dougal.

Heads, no tails.

Heads, tails, heads.

Dougal, you have to give me chance.

Give me a choice between the two.

Sorry about that, Ted.

I just got a bit excited, there.

We go again.

Heads or tails?

Heads.

Are you sure?

Absolutely posit-- tails.

Heads, tails.

Heads. - Dougal!

Heads.

Dougal, calm down.

Tails, heads, tails, heads.

Dougal!

Dougal, are you all right? - I am.

I am, I'm fine, Ted.

I'm just not the best at making decisions.

Look--

Or, am I?

I'll Tell you what we do.

You toss the coin.

I take heads.

Heads, it is.

Go ahead, toss it there.

Forget it.

Forget it. Forget it!

Yes.

Ted, Henry's on.

Ted.

Back to you, Monica for a five point question.

That capital of England, is it New York, London, or Munich?

I'll give you a clue.

You live there.

[ringing bell]

Oh, Jane do you know?

I leaned on the button.

He's great isn't he, Ted--

Henry.

And he'll be here, any second.

Are you excited, Ted?

Henry Sellers-- look at him there, asking the questions.

Stitch in time saves how many?

[ringing bell]

Sorry.

London?

Any idea why he left the BBC, Ted?

Ah, look Ted, why don't you be Elvis?

Since you thought of it first, I suppose it's only fair.

I'll go as Mother Teresa,

I'm sorry Dougal.

I'm being very selfish.

I'm sorry.

You go as Elvis. - No, Ted.

It's not fair on you.

You had your heart set on it.

No, seriously.

You go as Elvis.

Really?

Great, thanks Ted.

Unless you'd prefer to go as Mother Teresa.

Ah no, not really.

Anyway, there's only one Mother Theresa.

And that's you, Ted.

Thanks, Dougal.

Oh well, at least I'll have the honor

of taking care of Mr. Sellers.

It's important that we be extremely nice to him.

That'll improve our chances of winning, 100%.

We'll have to fill him up with food and drink

until it's coming out of his ears.

And you'll be nice to Mr. Sellers, won't you Father?

[groans]

Father, are you all right?

Oh no, not Toilet Duck, again.

You know what that does to you.

You'll be seeing pink elephants, again.

How many fingers am I holding up to you?

Three.

Hmm, maybe you're not too bad-- probably

getting immune to it by now. [door bell ringing]

That'll be him.

That's Henry, oh God.

He's here.

Hello, there--

Henry Sellers.

Father Ted Crilly.

It's a great honor to have you here, Mr. Sellers.

Oh, and it's lovely to be here, too.

Hello Father um?

Sorry, this is Father Dougal McGuire.

Dougal, say something to Mr. Sellers.

How old are you?

Dougal, don't be asking Mr. Sellers how old he is.

Ah, that's quite all right.

I'm 37, Father.

And this is Father Jack Hackett.

Hello, Father.

Hello, Father.

[screaming]

Bye, Father.

He's just gone for his walk.

Oh.

[laughter]

Now, is there anything we can get you, Mr. Sellers?

Call me Henry.

Well, um if you had--

[jack screaming]

--something to eat, maybe a sandwich?

Mrs. Doyle, some sandwiches.

MRS. DOYLE: Right, Father.

Is there something wrong with your head?

Dougal!

What?

No, it's just his hair looks a bit--

Dougal.

I didn't say anything.

It's just, Henry's hair looks a bit mad.

Is Father-- is Father done with you?

Oh yes, he's just bringing in the-- oh, there he is.

Ted.

Barty, good to see you.

Sit down, there.

It's good to be on Craggy Island, again.

God, I haven't seen you in ages.

I remember the last time I was here.

We had that funny incident, remember?

[laughter]

I suppose-- I suppose you've forgotten all about it.

Twas the type of thing, you know.

What-- what-- what is this, what is this?

The last time Father Dunn was with us, Father Jack

lost his slippers.

[laughter]

Twas-- twas a big like--

[laughter] he had us looking everywhere for them.

Twas a bit like the type of thing, you know--

[laughter]

We found them, after a while.

It was a bit like--

[laughter] oh, Lord.

How long was the car journey?

Four hours.

[music playing]

--but with the thing, there.

[laughter] I suppose it must be--

So, what's it like, being a television star?

Ah, well you know--

Oh, it must be--

[laughter] it must--

it must be-- [laughter]

I must say Henry, we're just so delighted to have you, here.

Is there anything else we can get you?

No, no, I'm fine.

Some more sandwiches?

No, Oh!

You've brought some more in.

No, no, no, no.

I'm fine, absolutely fine, thank you.

Everything OK with your hair?

Dougal, will you stop talking about Henry's hair?

I'm sorry Henry, it's just your hair is so natural looking.

Dougal can't stop talking about it.

It really is a beautiful head of hair.

Anyway, what I was saying was, anything you want at all, just

ask for us.

We can get it for you.

There's no problem, there.

And I mean, anything-- anything that you want,

anything that you want that would be at all possible for us

to get you, just ask for it.

And I mean, anything.

There's no problem there, Todd.

Anything.

Well actually, I have been having a bit of trouble

getting the English papers.

I wonder, would it be possible--

Except the English papers--

anything you want, anything else,

just ask-- except obviously, the English papers.

Well, you wouldn't have the number of a Father Dick Burn,

at all?

You'd be making a mistake, if you went to visit them.

Oh well, why is that father?

They're lepers.

They're what?

They're lepers.

The three of them are lepers.

Rugged Island is a leper colony.

A leper colony, you're not serious?

Well no, it's not leprosy.

But there's something wrong, there.

Did you ever think, how strange it was.

Three priests living alone on an island like that?

I suppose--

Oh no, there's something not quite right, there.

You'd be better off staying with us.

Ted, could you tell me where the old--

[laughter] you know, the old--

The old ha-ha is up the stairs.

And it's first on the left.

Oh, thanks very much.

It's a wig.

Time for a little night cap.

Oh, and you're running out of sandwiches.

I'll bring in some more.

I-- I won't have a sherry.

Thank you.

Don't be silly.

Now, of course you will. - No, no really--

I shouldn't.

Go on, it'll help you sleep.

No, no, no. It's not a good idea.

You go ahead.

Just a little drop, just a teeny, tiny bit.

The day a little bit of sherry hurts anyone

is the day Ireland doesn't win the Eurovision Song Contest.

[laughter]

Go on.

No, no, no.

Really, I shouldn't.

Go on, go on, go on.

Go on.

Go on, it's fine.

Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.

No, seriously.

I can't--

Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.

Go on!

[music playing]

What a share of bastards!

Oh lord, Ted.

Why did you give him a drink?

I didn't know this would happen.

I bet you that's why they sacked him from that program.

He's a terrible alcoholic.

He's been on the wagon now, for a year.

Oh my God, Ted.

How was I supposed to know?

Sack me?

Sack me?

I made the BBC.

[crying] I made it.

Henry maybe if you have a rest, you'll feel better?

Get away from me, priest!

The thing is, I understand we should all head off to bed.

That thing was never ending on, anyway.

I'll give it a kick, myself.

You want to fight?

Huh, huh?

No, not a scrap.

Bloody priests, bloody sanctimonious scumbags.

Absolutely.

Made my life a bloody misery!

Well, sorry about that, Henry.

But are you sure you wouldn't like to go to bed?

Well, maybe we can stay up a bit longer, perhaps.

I'm fed up with you bastards!

I'm getting of here, and don't you try and stop me.

It's true what they say though, isn't it?

You should never meet your heroes.

You'll only be disappointed.

[music playing]

God Ted, imagine if we weren't able to get him back?

He'd be like Bigfoot, except he'd

be a BBC television presenter.

Do you see him, there by the trees.

TED: Got him.

There he is.

Terribly sorry about all this, Sergeant.

Ah, no problem Father.

I've been through it before--

rock stars, actors, television personalities.

They go off the drink and the drugs,

and they come over to places like this.

The solitude can get to them.

What happened to this fellow?

TED: He was fine, one minute.

And then, he took a sip of sherry.

Relapse.

That's when they're at their most dangerous.

Right, you ready?

I want you to bang these together.

Shout a bit.

That'll scare him out of the woods

so I can get a clear shot of him.

You're going to shoot him?

Tranquilizer dart, Father.

It'll just put him to sleep for a bit.

Still, it seems a bit extreme.

It's the best, really, Father.

Believe me.

You know best.

POLICE OFFICER: God, this reminds me of Vietnam.

- You were in Vietnam, Sergent? - No, no.

I mean, you know, the films.

All right, let's go.

[music playing]

Come on, Henry.

There.

Now.

It's Jack!

I've got a clear shot of him, Father.

Do you want me to get him?

No, let him go.

He'll make his own way, back.

Look at him go.

[music playing]

Beautiful.

Oh my god, my head.

There you are Henry, a nice cup of tea.

What?

Oh-- Oh my god, where am I?

What happened last night?

I remember having a sip of sherry.

Nothing to worry about.

I hope I didn't do anything to embarrass you, Father.

[laughter]

Dougal.

You were fine, Henry.

[phone ringing]

I expect that'll be Father Dick Burn.

You know, I kind of feel sorry for him, though.

Marooned on that island with those idiots.

And they have absolutely nothing in common.

--absolutely nothing in common.

Hello? - Hello, Dick.

Ted, we were just talking about you.

Really?

Yeah, we were just saying how great you were.

- Really? - No.

Hilarious, Dick.

I was just calling to make sure you're

going to turn up, tonight.

Why wouldn't I turn up, tonight?

Ah well, you know.

It might be a little embarrassing to come last,

again.

We won't be coming last.

It will be you who will be coming last.

In fact, I though we might have a little bit on, tonight.

Put your money where your mouth is, Ted.

What are we talking about here, a pound, two pounds?

Five pounds.

Five pounds?

What's the matter, Dick? You scared?

Of course, I'm not scared.

Five pounds, it is.

See you, tonight.

Well, I'd better go and get myself cleaned up for tonight--

you know, brush me teeth.

It's strange, I have a very strange

taste of raw meat in my mouth.

I don't know why that is.

Right you are, Henry.

Five pounds, I must be insane.

We haven't a hope in hell.

Why can't we all go as Elvis?

Because we all look the same, Dougal.

Anyway, Jack will be in any moment,

looking for his afternoon drink.

[breaking glass, screaming]

There he goes, bang on time.

Ted, he looks very rough.

We'll have to get him sobered up, if he's

going to do this contest.

No, Dougal wait.

Leave him.

I have an idea.

[bad guitar playing]

(SINGING) See [inaudible]

[applause]

Father Harry Kyle, there.

You know, he looks a bit like--

[laughter] He won't, he won't mind me telling you this, now.

No, no, no.

Anyway Henry, marks for Father Kyle?

Very good.

I'll give him 7 out of 10.

Bastard.

Not bad, at all.

Ziggy playing guitar.

You know, that means that the lads from Rugged Island

are still in the lead, with 9 out of 10.

So a big hand for Diana Ross, and two of the Supremes.

[applause]

Don't start celebrating, yet.

Remember, we've still got one more act to go.

Oh, yes.

So ladies and gentlemen, please welcome out onto the stage--

[laughter] the lads--

[laughter] Father Ted Crilly with Father

McGuire and Father Hawkins.

[applause]

TED (ON MICROPHONE): Elvis Presley was a simple truck

driver from America.

But one day in the 1950s, he invented rock and roll.

[music playing]

(ELVIS IMPRESSION) Thank you, very much ladies and gentlemen.

TED (ON MICROPHONE): Elvis became famous.

Then, they forced him into the army.

Then, he came out and 10 years later, he came

back with a comeback special.

[music playing]

Elvis was back.

From then until the end of his life, he played in Las Vegas

and became, once again, the king of rock and roll.

[angelic music playing]

Ladies and gentlemen, that was the three ages of Elvis.

Thank you.

[applause]

Fantastic!

Lord, God almighty!

Three Elvises.

This [laughter] Well Henry, over to you for the final marks.

[drum roll]

[applause]

BARTY: Brilliant, Ted.

It was fantastic.

Thanks very much, Barty.

Five pounds, Ted.

Hard luck, Dick.

Did we not win, D?

No, you didn't win, Cyril.

This year, this trophy goes to Craggy Island.

Never mind.

I think you have every chance of winning, next year.

Do you really, Ted?

No.

Come on, Cyril, let's go home.

I'm out of fecking whiskey.

Plenty of whiskey at home, Father.

That Cyril McDuff's an awful idiot, isn't he, Ted?

Here we are now.

Ah well, since I didn't make a fool of myself the last time,

I might as well have a glass of champagne.

Cheers.

Henry, no.

Don't worry Father.

Sure, If I can't celebrate tonight, sure, when can I?

The bastards, what the hell is going on?

How dare they do this to me?

How dare they sack me?

I'm Henry Sellers.

I'm Henry Sellers!

Well, there he goes, again.

- Right there, Ted. - Never mind.

We can look for him in the morning.

Anyway, well done, again Dougal.

What do you think of the trophy? - It's great.

It's all because of you, Ted.

Put it there, Dougal.

[music playing]

[filmrise music]