Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[helicopter noises]

[falling sound]

[crash]

[RAINSTORM WITH THUNDER AND LIGHTNING]

[thunder crashing]

Looks like rain, Ted.

Come on, Dougal.

It's your go.

I will say, Father Hernandez, it's

been wonderful having you over.

But I expect you're getting homesick for Cuba by now.

(MUMBLING IN INDISTINCT SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Yes, my country is very beautiful.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: But, Ted.

You have a great life here on

Craggy Island.

TRANSLATOR: Craggy Island.

You have two good friends.

Father Dougal.

And of course, Father Jack.

Yes, but I must say, I miss the noise and the lights,

and you know, the whole buzz of the big city.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: You were in Wexford, weren't you?

I was, yes.

But Craggy Island has its charms.

The west part of the island was beautiful, until it

drifted off, of course.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Drifted off?

Yes.

There was a bit of a storm, and it just came loose.

Now we don't have a west side.

It's just north, south, and east.

But it was lovely while it was there.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: You know, Ted, your housekeeper

is a very beautiful woman.

Sometimes this celibacy is hard for a man.

Heh, heh, heh.

TRANSLATOR: Heh, heh, heh.

Yes, well, you have to take the rough with the smooth,

I suppose.

Bishop Brennan springs to mind.

(SPEAKING SPANISH) TRANSLATOR: Oh, yes?

Yes. Bishop Len Brennan.

He's our, kind of, boss.

Apparently, he was-- at the old himself.

And the union was blessed, so they say.

No. TRANSLATOR: No.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Boy or girl? - Son.

He lives in America.

Or so goes the rumor, anyway.

Was it Colonel Mustard, in the kitchen, with uh--

the candlestick

What?

Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the candlestick.

You have Colonel Mustard.

You showed him to me earlier.

How could it be Colonel Mustard, if you have Colonel Mustard?

Oh, right.

- Father Hernandez, your go. - Si.

TRANSLATOR: Yes.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: I think it was the Reverend Green, with the knife,

in the drawing room.

Those Protestants.

Up to no good as usual.

What's Father Jack looking at?

What's that you're watching, Father Jack?

What?

Is that a film you're watching?

What?

Isn't that Kiefer Sutherland?

What?

Is that Flatliners you're watching?

What?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Is Father Jack a little hard of hearing?

What?

Yes.

He gets a kind of waxy buildup in his ears.

Then we have to syringe them.

It's not very nice.

It's great, though, in a way, because you know

we're never short of candles.

FATHER JACK: What?

All that was in his head last week.

And there's a few more over there.

We've nearly enough for a papal funeral.

He's a sort of one-man candle factory.

Aren't you, Father Jack?

What?

To be honest, he can hear well enough when he wants to.

Watch this.

(QUIETLY) Father Jack, would you like a glass of brandy?

Yes.

Oh, you see, he's a terrible man.

Brandy!

Brandy!

All right, all right, all right.

Now, say when.

- Huh? - Say when.

Huh?

Tell me when you want me to stop pouring.

- Huh? - Oh.

Oh, right. That's it, is it?

You sure you don't want any more?

Yes. Yes, yes.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Craggy Island Parochial House.

Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Hello, Bishop Brennan.

How are you?

Yes. No.

Ah, right. Good.

Yes. All right.

Of course. Yes.

Good-bye.

Bye, so.

That's the boss.

He's coming over.

He wants to talk to us about something.

Come on.

We better finish this.

This must be the longest game of Clue that I've ever played.

How long are we at it now?

Five hours?

Ted, should there not be some cards in here, or something?

Ted.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Again, I have no words to say how thankful I am.

That's a bit ungrateful, Ted.

Don't you worry, Father Hernandez.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: However, I do have some gifts

from the people of my village.

Please, do not laugh at this simple example

of Cuban handicrafts.

It's a video recorder.

Si.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Yes, I'm sorry.

It's a very basic model.

It has only a 3-week pre-record facility.

Don't worry about that.

It's great.

Thanks very much, Father Hernandez.

It's wonderful.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: And for you, Ted, I have something very special.

(GASPING) You really shouldn't have.

You really shouldn't have.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: It is a Cuban fertility symbol.

I hope it brings you as much luck as it brought me.

Yes?

Eh? Eh?

My friend?

Well.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

[disco music playing]

Come on now, Dougal.

The Bishop will be here any minute.

Oh, right.

Now do you remember what I told you?

Huh?

It's very simple.

On no account are you to mention what we

were talking about last night.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

What were we talking about last night, Ted?

You know.

The rumors about the Bishop's little mistake.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

What mistake was that, now, Ted?

His son.

His son in America.

Oh, yes.

He's a son?

In America?

- Yes, well so they say. - Right.

Right. Well.

That's news to me, Ted.

We were talking about it last night, Dougal.

To Father Hernandez.

Who?

Oh, right. The Cuban lad.

Yeah.

He gave us a video.

The Bishop. You remember?

Right. OK.

Just forget all about it.

Just forget about it.

Just do not mention the son.

Have you got that?

I have, Ted.

The lights are on, but there's nobody home.

Father Crilly, Bishop Brennan is here.

Hell's bells! Right.

Show him in.

Dougal, now remember.

Not a word about the son.

Hello, Bishop.

How are you?

Come on in. Sit down.

Sit down there, Your Grace, beside Father Dougal.

Mrs. Doyle, some tea, please?

Oh, certainly, Father Crilly.

[thump]

How's the son?

What?

The Son of God.

How's the Son of God?

How's everying in the world of religion?

The world of religion?

What the hell are you talking about, Crilly?

Well, you know-- Oh, Mrs. Doyle.

Any sign of that tea?

Here I am.

Here I am.

Ah, isn't this grand?

I'm fine, thank you, Mrs. Doyle.

Will you not have a cup of tea, Bishop Brennan?

No, I am not going to stay.

I want to get right to the point and get the hell out of here.

Are you sure you won't have a cup?

I'm certain, thank you.

Go on. Have a cup.

No, thank you.

Now, look what everybody else is having a cup.

Would you not have one yourself?

I do not have the time.

You'll feel left out.

You'll be Bishop Piggy-in-the-Middle.

I am fine.

I am fine.

Are y'sure you won't to have a cup?

Just a drop?

No.

Bishop Piggy-in-the-Middle.

Just say yes, Your Grace. It's quicker.

Believe me. - All right, then yes.

Ah, grand, so.

Now.

Well, I hope you're not doing too much damage here, huh?

Jack?

Are you behaving yourself?

Feck off.

What did you say?

Your Grace, what brings you to these parts?

Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Fat chance.

You're here until I tell you otherwise.

You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish,

after the wedding he did in Athalong, huh?

Yes, but surely, I'm all right.

No no, no. No, no.

No.

You are here until all of that money is accounted for.

I didn't know what happened to that money.

Enough!

You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child

was supposed to be in Lourdes.

And as for this cabbage!

The mere idea of letting him back into the real world,

after the black rock incident.

Yes, that was unfortunate.

The amount of people's lives, irreparably damaged.

They were only nuns.

Nuns are people too.

My God the strings I had to pull to stop

the Vatican getting involved.

I do not want to talk about it.

I just want to get this film business over and done with.

F-- film? What film?

This blasphemous film.

The Passion of Saint Tibulus.

Now, His Holiness has banned it.

But because of some loophole, the bloody thing is showing

on this Godforsaken dump.

Oh, yes.

That's right.

Is it any good, do you know?

I don't care if it's any good or not.

All I know is that we have to be seen to be

making a stand against it.

I have been brought back from my holiday in California

to sort it out.

And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

What do you mean?

Well, I know that normally you wouldn't be able to organize

a nun shoot in a nunnery.

But despite that, it's up to you to make

the church's position clear.

Make some kind of a protest at the cinema.

Even you should be able to manage that.

Ah, thanks very much.

Listen.

This is very serious.

Don't make a balls of it, right?

I'll be in touch.

Your Grace.

This-- this isn't really my area.

Nothing is your area, Crilly.

You do not have an area.

Unless it's a kind of a play area, with sand

castles, and buckets, and spades.

Now, do what you're told, right?

Bye, now.

[soft jazz music playing]

Look. This is silly.

There's nobody here, for God's sake.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I am pleased to say, we have a treat

in store today for all you fans of French cinema.

Is it subtitled?

Pardon?

Is it subtitled?

Or is it dubbed?

It's subtitled.

Ah, Jesus.

Shall

Shall we start the protesting now, or what?

Yes, I suppose so.

Or maybe we should just stay and see

a little bit of the film first.

Well let's just go over with.

Ah, maybe it's not too bad, Ted.

It could be another Commitments.

It doesn't matter whether it's good or bad, Dougal.

It's the morality we don't agree with.

Right.

Let's go.

Boo!

Boo!

(HECKLING)

Who is that?

- Dirty, filthy beggar. - Boo!

Look, you.

Boo!

Father Ted.

Father Dougal.

It is yourself.

Hello, Michael.

How are you?

Oh, I'm grand.

How's Father Jack?

We haven't seen him since we had the last Sharon Stone season.

He's grand.

He's a bit tired, so he won't be along today.

Oh, right.

But you're making a fierce racket.

It's a long story.

We have the Bishop over, you know, Len Brennan.

Oh.

That gobshite.

Yes, and he's gone mad because of the film.

Aye, and he told us to come down here

to kick up a bit of a fuss. - Oh, right.

Yeah.

But there's only one thing, though.

You're sort of, uh, disrupting the show.

We're not, are we?

Awfully sorry, Michael.

Oh, no, no, no. No trouble at all.

No.

But if you could keep it down a little.

I mean, we have to think of other people.

No problem.

You can count on us, Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

I don't suppose you could throw us out?

Just for the television.

Oh.

No problem.

Do you want to go now?

Actually, no.

We might as well stay and see the film first.

So I'll, uh, throw you out after the film.

Grand. Grand.

Right.

And, uh-- we're still OK from the uh-- half price?

No problem.

Enjoy the film.

- Boo! - Ah!

Now, you.

What was all that about?

You're asking the wrong person there, Ted.

I couldn't make head nor tail of it.

I know for a fact that Saint Tibulus

wore more clothes than that.

He was from Norway or somewhere.

He's have frozen to death.

And do you remember that bit when, Saint Tibulus,

he tried to take that banana off the other lad.

That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

Anyway, let's get some sleep.

DOUGAL: Give us a B, please, Bob.

Beethoven.

Give us a C, please, Bob.

Carnivorous.

F, please, Bob.

TED: Oh, God.

Not Blockbusters again.

DOUGAL: Fettuccine.

[birds singing]

6 a.m.

great.

Another 8 hours' sleep.

You awake, Ted?

Huh?

This is fantastic, isn't it?

Another great lie-in for the lads.

It is?

Do you know what would be terrible, Ted?

Wouldn't it be terrible if Bishop Brennan came in,

and he told us to go down to the cinema

and start protesting again.

[thunder crashing]

This is ridiculous.

The place doesn't open for another seven hours.

Ted, what about what the Bishop said?

Didn't he want us to chain ourselves the railings?

How are we supposed to do that?

O'Leary's might have something.

Right.

You go and get something.

I'll, uh-- I'll just stay here and guard a closed cinema

against anyone who might want to watch a film that doesn't

start for another seven hours.

Jack.

What the hell are you up to?

Why aren't you at the film?

Feck off.

What?

What did you say?

Listen, did you see my bag anywhere?

My traveling bag?

Hm?

Well, if you do see it, would you give it back to me?

It's got my bloody passport in it, and uh--

everything.

Right.

(MUMBLING)

[hallelujah chorus being sung]

Are you going to stand there all day, you fat old bitch?

Don't talk to me like that, you big pile of shite.

You ignorant prick.

You watch that mouth of yours.

I'll watch nothing.

I'll stick this up your ass.

Ah.

Oh.

Hello, you two.

Father.

How's tricks?

We haven't seen you in awhile.

We were just going to have some tea.

Would you have a drop?

No, thanks, Mrs. O'Leary.

No, I'm fine.

Well, what can we do you for, Father?

Well, I was looking for a pair of handcuffs, actually.

A pair of handcuffs.

What do you need them for?

Ah, nothing much.

They're for me and Ted.

You and Father Ted.

Yeah.

We're just trying something out.

Well, actually, funny enough, I think we do have a pair.

Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.

Retired from what?

From the police.

The police.

Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?

Um-- he was, yes.

Why do you think he wore the uniform?

I thought he's just having a laugh.

Anyway, um-- here's the handcuffs.

OK. Thanks.

Right. Great.

Bye, now.

Bye, Father.

Down With this sort of thing!

Careful, now.

Down with this sort of thing!

Hello, Father Crilly.

Hello, Jim.

I seen your picture in the paper.

What?

Here.

Have a look.

So, it's a blasphemous film, Father?

Is it?

Oh, it is.

What type of thing is it?

Mad stuff.

It's It's very immoral, Jim.

You wouldn't like it.

Is it a type of nudie thing, Father?

You wouldn't believe the amount of nudity in it.

Do you see the lot, do you, Father?

Or is it just the top half you see?

Nothing is left to the imagination.

Right.

Well, I'll be off.

Goodbye, Jim.

Hello there, Fathers.

Hello, Mrs. Sheridan. Mrs. Glenn.

The Passion of Saint Tibulus.

What's that?

Is it a Western, or a musical, or something?

We always go on Tuesdays.

It gets us out of the house.

Oh, we saw a great one a few weeks ago.

The Crying Game.

Oh, it was brilliant.

Oh, there was this great bit in it,

you see, there was this girl.

And then you find out it's not a girl, but a man!

And he got his lad out.

Wh-- what?

Yes, he got his lad out.

Only, you only see it for a second.

But you get the message.

I didn't know what it was at first,

it's been so long since I've seen one.

I bet it looked a lot like your Billy's.

Not at all.

Billy's is rounder at the top.

Cheerio, Fathers.

Shouldn't we be stopping them going in, or what, Ted?

It just goes to show, Dougal, nobody

take a blind bit of notice of what the church says anymore.

Hello, Pat.

Father Crilly. Hello.

How's your wife? I hear she hasn't been well.

She's dead, Father.

That's terrible.

When did she--

Ah, just a couple of hours ago.

Really.

Yes.

Anyway, that's just the way it is.

What's the film like, Father?

What?

Is it any good?

I was reading about it in the paper.

I don't think you should think about going to a film

if your wife has just died.

I might wander in.

I'll contact you about the funeral details later.

Good Fathers, I must say, this is extraordinary.

This is the most successful film we've had since Jurassic Park!

It's breaking all sorts of records,

due to all this publicity over your protest.

We certainly didn't plan it that way.

Oh my God, would you look who it is.

[adventure music playing]

Thank God, a bit of support.

Fair play to you for turning--

Come on, Father.

I'll get you a seat right at the front.

Right, Dougal.

I've had enough of this.

We're leaving.

Give me the keys.

Keys?

What's this then, Your Grace?

Why am I looking at a globe of the world?

Well, em-- how can I explain?

Firstly a resume of the last few days.

Now I don't know if you remember,

but I came in here with the idea of you

making a dignified protest about this film.

Do you remember that? - Yes.

Yes. - Good.

You know, just to show the church's

opposition to the film.

But-- and this is the part that I find most interesting--

you have actually made this film the most successful film ever

shown here.

Isn't that great?

Huh?

I mean, people are coming from all over the country

to see the film.

They're even coming from Gdansk to see the film.

And look at this. Look.

Look at that. Look.

There's you.

There's Forrest Gump.

And there's Father Jack, actually watching the film.

Now there's a turn up for the books, what?

Right. Now.

I think the best thing would be for ye three

to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters

outside of my jurisdiction.

Now, Ted.

I thought that you might like to go to America.

What part, do you think?

Well, um--

Las Vegas?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Ted.

I meant South America.

Now, look.

You see, there's a lovely little island off the cost of Surinam.

And (LAUGHING) they have a couple of tribes there.

You're going to love this.

And they have been knocking the shit out of each other

since 1907.

And we have never been able to find

the right man to bring them together in a spirit

of Christian harmony.

But I think that you are the man.

Well, thanks very

Much-- no need to thank me.

By the way, do you know how to make arrows?

No.

Not to worry.

Not to worry.

It will come to you.

Now, Dougal.

Over to you.

Isn't it funny, how some of these places in the Philippines

can keep on going without a proper sewerage system?

You're right there, Your Honor.

Now, Jack!

Where can we send you, huh?

Jack, wake up.

Bishop, Bishop, I wouldn't do that.

You shut up.

Jack!

Wake up.

[creaking]

Feck off!

I've got you now, Jack.

I've got you.

Oh, my God.

If you think this place is bad, wait

till you see your new parish.

Just wait until you see.

Well.

That's it then.

I suppose-- I suppose all we can do now is pack.

Ted.

I don't want to go to the Philippines.

I mean, I can't even spell the Philippines.

I know it begins with an F, but--

I know, I know.

If only there some way we could persuade

the Bishop to change his mind.

If only we had something we could bargain with.

I don't know.

[quiet laughing]

What's that, Jack?

Did you get a film?

The last thing I want to watch now is a film.

Well.

That was great, wasn't it?

You're right there, Ted.

Should we phone him now, or will we watch it again?

I think we'll watch it again.

[theme music playing]