All language subtitles for F.T.S01E03.1080p.WEB.h264-POPPYCOCK_track3_[eng]

[theme music playing]

[helicopter noises]

[falling sound]

[crash]

[RAINSTORM WITH THUNDER AND
LIGHTNING]

[thunder crashing]

Looks like rain, Ted.

Come on, Dougal.

It's your go.

I will say, Father
Hernandez, it's

been wonderful having you over.

But I expect you're getting
homesick for Cuba by now.

(MUMBLING IN
INDISTINCT SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Yes, my
country is very beautiful.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: But, Ted.

You have a great life here on

Craggy Island.

TRANSLATOR: Craggy Island.

You have two good friends.

Father Dougal.

And of course, Father Jack.

Yes, but I must say, I miss
the noise and the lights,

and you know, the whole
buzz of the big city.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: You were in
Wexford, weren't you?

I was, yes.

But Craggy Island
has its charms.

The west part of the island
was beautiful, until it

drifted off, of course.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Drifted off?

Yes.

There was a bit of a storm,
and it just came loose.

Now we don't have a west side.

It's just north,
south, and east.

But it was lovely
while it was there.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: You know,
Ted, your housekeeper

is a very beautiful woman.

Sometimes this celibacy
is hard for a man.

Heh, heh, heh.

TRANSLATOR: Heh, heh, heh.

Yes, well, you have to take
the rough with the smooth,

I suppose.

Bishop Brennan springs to mind.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)
TRANSLATOR: Oh, yes?

Yes.
Bishop Len Brennan.

He's our, kind of, boss.

Apparently, he was--
at the old himself.

And the union was
blessed, so they say.

No.
TRANSLATOR: No.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Boy or girl?
- Son.

He lives in America.

Or so goes the rumor, anyway.

Was it Colonel Mustard,
in the kitchen, with uh--

the candlestick

What?

Colonel Mustard in the
kitchen with the candlestick.

You have Colonel Mustard.

You showed him to me earlier.

How could it be Colonel Mustard,
if you have Colonel Mustard?

Oh, right.

- Father Hernandez, your go.
- Si.

TRANSLATOR: Yes.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: I think it was the
Reverend Green, with the knife,

in the drawing room.

Those Protestants.

Up to no good as usual.

What's Father Jack looking at?

What's that you're
watching, Father Jack?

What?

Is that a film
you're watching?

What?

Isn't that Kiefer Sutherland?

What?

Is that Flatliners
you're watching?

What?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Is Father Jack
a little hard of hearing?

What?

Yes.

He gets a kind of waxy
buildup in his ears.

Then we have to syringe them.

It's not very nice.

It's great, though, in
a way, because you know

we're never short of candles.

FATHER JACK: What?

All that was in
his head last week.

And there's a few
more over there.

We've nearly enough
for a papal funeral.

He's a sort of one-man
candle factory.

Aren't you, Father Jack?

What?

To be honest, he can hear
well enough when he wants to.

Watch this.

(QUIETLY) Father Jack, would
you like a glass of brandy?

Yes.

Oh, you see, he's
a terrible man.

Brandy!

Brandy!

All right, all
right, all right.

Now, say when.

- Huh?
- Say when.

Huh?

Tell me when you want
me to stop pouring.

- Huh?
- Oh.

Oh, right.
That's it, is it?

You sure you don't
want any more?

Yes.
Yes, yes.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Craggy Island Parochial House.

Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Hello, Bishop Brennan.

How are you?

Yes.
No.

Ah, right.
Good.

Yes.
All right.

Of course.
Yes.

Good-bye.

Bye, so.

That's the boss.

He's coming over.

He wants to talk to
us about something.

Come on.

We better finish this.

This must be the longest game
of Clue that I've ever played.

How long are we at it now?

Five hours?

Ted, should there not be some
cards in here, or something?

Ted.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Again, I have no
words to say how thankful I am.

That's a bit ungrateful, Ted.

Don't you worry,
Father Hernandez.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: However,
I do have some gifts

from the people of my village.

Please, do not laugh
at this simple example

of Cuban handicrafts.

It's a video recorder.

Si.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: Yes, I'm sorry.

It's a very basic model.

It has only a 3-week
pre-record facility.

Don't worry about that.

It's great.

Thanks very much,
Father Hernandez.

It's wonderful.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: And for you, Ted,
I have something very special.

(GASPING) You
really shouldn't have.

You really shouldn't have.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

TRANSLATOR: It is a
Cuban fertility symbol.

I hope it brings you as
much luck as it brought me.

Yes?

Eh?
Eh?

My friend?

Well.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

[disco music playing]

Come on now, Dougal.

The Bishop will be
here any minute.

Oh, right.

Now do you remember
what I told you?

Huh?

It's very simple.

On no account are you
to mention what we

were talking about last night.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

What were we talking
about last night, Ted?

You know.

The rumors about the
Bishop's little mistake.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

What mistake was that, now, Ted?

His son.

His son in America.

Oh, yes.

He's a son?

In America?

- Yes, well so they say.
- Right.

Right.
Well.

That's news to me, Ted.

We were talking about
it last night, Dougal.

To Father Hernandez.

Who?

Oh, right.
The Cuban lad.

Yeah.

He gave us a video.

The Bishop.
You remember?

Right.
OK.

Just forget all about it.

Just forget about it.

Just do not mention the son.

Have you got that?

I have, Ted.

The lights are on, but
there's nobody home.

Father Crilly,
Bishop Brennan is here.

Hell's bells!
Right.

Show him in.

Dougal, now remember.

Not a word about the son.

Hello, Bishop.

How are you?

Come on in.
Sit down.

Sit down there, Your Grace,
beside Father Dougal.

Mrs. Doyle, some tea, please?

Oh, certainly, Father Crilly.

[thump]

How's the son?

What?

The Son of God.

How's the Son of God?

How's everying in the
world of religion?

The world of religion?

What the hell are you
talking about, Crilly?

Well, you know--
Oh, Mrs. Doyle.

Any sign of that tea?

Here I am.

Here I am.

Ah, isn't this grand?

I'm fine, thank
you, Mrs. Doyle.

Will you not have a cup
of tea, Bishop Brennan?

No, I am not going to stay.

I want to get right to the point
and get the hell out of here.

Are you sure you
won't have a cup?

I'm certain, thank you.

Go on.
Have a cup.

No, thank you.

Now, look what everybody
else is having a cup.

Would you not have one yourself?

I do not have the time.

You'll feel left out.

You'll be Bishop
Piggy-in-the-Middle.

I am fine.

I am fine.

Are y'sure you
won't to have a cup?

Just a drop?

No.

Bishop Piggy-in-the-Middle.

Just say yes, Your Grace.
It's quicker.

Believe me.
- All right, then yes.

Ah, grand, so.

Now.

Well, I hope you're not doing
too much damage here, huh?

Jack?

Are you behaving yourself?

Feck off.

What did you say?

Your Grace, what brings
you to these parts?

Thinking of sending us
back to our parishes?

Fat chance.

You're here until I
tell you otherwise.

You think I'd let Jack
back into a normal parish,

after the wedding he
did in Athalong, huh?

Yes, but surely,
I'm all right.

No no, no.
No, no.

No.

You are here until all of
that money is accounted for.

I didn't know what
happened to that money.

Enough!

You went to Las Vegas,
whilst that poor child

was supposed to be in Lourdes.

And as for this cabbage!

The mere idea of letting him
back into the real world,

after the black rock incident.

Yes, that was unfortunate.

The amount of people's
lives, irreparably damaged.

They were only nuns.

Nuns are people too.

My God the strings I
had to pull to stop

the Vatican getting involved.

I do not want to talk about it.

I just want to get this film
business over and done with.

F-- film?
What film?

This blasphemous film.

The Passion of Saint Tibulus.

Now, His Holiness has banned it.

But because of some loophole,
the bloody thing is showing

on this Godforsaken dump.

Oh, yes.

That's right.

Is it any good, do you know?

I don't care if
it's any good or not.

All I know is that we
have to be seen to be

making a stand against it.

I have been brought back
from my holiday in California

to sort it out.

And that's where you and
Larry and Moe come in.

What do you mean?

Well, I know that normally
you wouldn't be able to organize

a nun shoot in a nunnery.

But despite that,
it's up to you to make

the church's position clear.

Make some kind of a
protest at the cinema.

Even you should be
able to manage that.

Ah, thanks very much.

Listen.

This is very serious.

Don't make a balls of it, right?

I'll be in touch.

Your Grace.

This-- this isn't
really my area.

Nothing is your area, Crilly.

You do not have an area.

Unless it's a kind of
a play area, with sand

castles, and
buckets, and spades.

Now, do what you're told, right?

Bye, now.

[soft jazz music playing]

Look.
This is silly.

There's nobody here,
for God's sake.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I am pleased to
say, we have a treat

in store today for all
you fans of French cinema.

Is it subtitled?

Pardon?

Is it subtitled?

Or is it dubbed?

It's subtitled.

Ah, Jesus.

Shall

Shall we start the
protesting now, or what?

Yes, I suppose so.

Or maybe we should
just stay and see

a little bit of the film first.

Well let's just go over with.

Ah, maybe it's
not too bad, Ted.

It could be another Commitments.

It doesn't matter whether
it's good or bad, Dougal.

It's the morality
we don't agree with.

Right.

Let's go.

Boo!

Boo!

(HECKLING)

Who is that?

- Dirty, filthy beggar.
- Boo!

Look, you.

Boo!

Father Ted.

Father Dougal.

It is yourself.

Hello, Michael.

How are you?

Oh, I'm grand.

How's Father Jack?

We haven't seen him since we had
the last Sharon Stone season.

He's grand.

He's a bit tired, so he
won't be along today.

Oh, right.

But you're making
a fierce racket.

It's a long story.

We have the Bishop over,
you know, Len Brennan.

Oh.

That gobshite.

Yes, and he's gone
mad because of the film.

Aye, and he told
us to come down here

to kick up a bit of a fuss.
- Oh, right.

Yeah.

But there's only
one thing, though.

You're sort of, uh,
disrupting the show.

We're not, are we?

Awfully sorry, Michael.

Oh, no, no, no.
No trouble at all.

No.

But if you could keep
it down a little.

I mean, we have to
think of other people.

No problem.

You can count on us, Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

I don't suppose you
could throw us out?

Just for the television.

Oh.

No problem.

Do you want to go now?

Actually, no.

We might as well stay
and see the film first.

So I'll, uh, throw
you out after the film.

Grand.
Grand.

Right.

And, uh-- we're still OK
from the uh-- half price?

No problem.

Enjoy the film.

- Boo!
- Ah!

Now, you.

What was all that about?

You're asking the
wrong person there, Ted.

I couldn't make
head nor tail of it.

I know for a fact
that Saint Tibulus

wore more clothes than that.

He was from Norway or somewhere.

He's have frozen to death.

And do you remember that
bit when, Saint Tibulus,

he tried to take that
banana off the other lad.

That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

Anyway, let's get some sleep.

DOUGAL: Give us
a B, please, Bob.

Beethoven.

Give us a C, please, Bob.

Carnivorous.

F, please, Bob.

TED: Oh, God.

Not Blockbusters again.

DOUGAL: Fettuccine.

[birds singing]

6 a.m.

great.

Another 8 hours' sleep.

You awake, Ted?

Huh?

This is fantastic, isn't it?

Another great
lie-in for the lads.

It is?

Do you know what
would be terrible, Ted?

Wouldn't it be terrible
if Bishop Brennan came in,

and he told us to go
down to the cinema

and start protesting again.

[thunder crashing]

This is ridiculous.

The place doesn't open
for another seven hours.

Ted, what about
what the Bishop said?

Didn't he want us to chain
ourselves the railings?

How are we
supposed to do that?

O'Leary's might
have something.

Right.

You go and get something.

I'll, uh-- I'll just stay
here and guard a closed cinema

against anyone who might want
to watch a film that doesn't

start for another seven hours.

Jack.

What the hell are you up to?

Why aren't you at the film?

Feck off.

What?

What did you say?

Listen, did you see
my bag anywhere?

My traveling bag?

Hm?

Well, if you do see it,
would you give it back to me?

It's got my bloody
passport in it, and uh--

everything.

Right.

(MUMBLING)

[hallelujah chorus being sung]

Are you going to stand there
all day, you fat old bitch?

Don't talk to me like
that, you big pile of shite.

You ignorant prick.

You watch that mouth of yours.

I'll watch nothing.

I'll stick this up your ass.

Ah.

Oh.

Hello, you two.

Father.

How's tricks?

We haven't seen you in awhile.

We were just going
to have some tea.

Would you have a drop?

No, thanks, Mrs. O'Leary.

No, I'm fine.

Well, what can we
do you for, Father?

Well, I was looking for a
pair of handcuffs, actually.

A pair of handcuffs.

What do you need them for?

Ah, nothing much.

They're for me and Ted.

You and Father Ted.

Yeah.

We're just trying something out.

Well, actually, funny enough,
I think we do have a pair.

Sergeant Thornton left
them here when he retired.

Retired from what?

From the police.

The police.

Was Sergeant
Thornton a policeman?

Um-- he was, yes.

Why do you think he
wore the uniform?

I thought he's
just having a laugh.

Anyway, um--
here's the handcuffs.

OK.
Thanks.

Right.
Great.

Bye, now.

Bye, Father.

Down With this sort of thing!

Careful, now.

Down with this sort of thing!

Hello, Father Crilly.

Hello, Jim.

I seen your
picture in the paper.

What?

Here.

Have a look.

So, it's a blasphemous
film, Father?

Is it?

Oh, it is.

What type of thing is it?

Mad stuff.

It's It's very immoral, Jim.

You wouldn't like it.

Is it a type of
nudie thing, Father?

You wouldn't believe the
amount of nudity in it.

Do you see the
lot, do you, Father?

Or is it just the
top half you see?

Nothing is left
to the imagination.

Right.

Well, I'll be off.

Goodbye, Jim.

Hello there, Fathers.

Hello, Mrs. Sheridan.
Mrs. Glenn.

The Passion of Saint Tibulus.

What's that?

Is it a Western, or a
musical, or something?

We always go on Tuesdays.

It gets us out of the house.

Oh, we saw a great
one a few weeks ago.

The Crying Game.

Oh, it was brilliant.

Oh, there was this
great bit in it,

you see, there was this girl.

And then you find out it's
not a girl, but a man!

And he got his lad out.

Wh-- what?

Yes, he got his lad out.

Only, you only see
it for a second.

But you get the message.

I didn't know what
it was at first,

it's been so long
since I've seen one.

I bet it looked a
lot like your Billy's.

Not at all.

Billy's is rounder at the top.

Cheerio, Fathers.

Shouldn't we be stopping
them going in, or what, Ted?

It just goes to
show, Dougal, nobody

take a blind bit of notice of
what the church says anymore.

Hello, Pat.

Father Crilly.
Hello.

How's your wife?
I hear she hasn't been well.

She's dead, Father.

That's terrible.

When did she--

Ah, just a couple
of hours ago.

Really.

Yes.

Anyway, that's
just the way it is.

What's the film like, Father?

What?

Is it any good?

I was reading about
it in the paper.

I don't think you should
think about going to a film

if your wife has just died.

I might wander in.

I'll contact you about
the funeral details later.

Good Fathers, I must
say, this is extraordinary.

This is the most successful film
we've had since Jurassic Park!

It's breaking all
sorts of records,

due to all this publicity
over your protest.

We certainly didn't
plan it that way.

Oh my God, would
you look who it is.

[adventure music playing]

Thank God, a bit of support.

Fair play to you for turning--

Come on, Father.

I'll get you a seat
right at the front.

Right, Dougal.

I've had enough of this.

We're leaving.

Give me the keys.

Keys?

What's this then, Your Grace?

Why am I looking at
a globe of the world?

Well, em-- how can I explain?

Firstly a resume of
the last few days.

Now I don't know
if you remember,

but I came in here
with the idea of you

making a dignified
protest about this film.

Do you remember that?
- Yes.

Yes.
- Good.

You know, just to
show the church's

opposition to the film.

But-- and this is the part
that I find most interesting--

you have actually made this film
the most successful film ever

shown here.

Isn't that great?

Huh?

I mean, people are coming
from all over the country

to see the film.

They're even coming from
Gdansk to see the film.

And look at this.
Look.

Look at that.
Look.

There's you.

There's Forrest Gump.

And there's Father Jack,
actually watching the film.

Now there's a turn up
for the books, what?

Right.
Now.

I think the best thing
would be for ye three

to continue your careers as
priests-cum-film promoters

outside of my jurisdiction.

Now, Ted.

I thought that you might
like to go to America.

What part, do you think?

Well, um--

Las Vegas?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Ted.

I meant South America.

Now, look.

You see, there's a lovely little
island off the cost of Surinam.

And (LAUGHING) they have
a couple of tribes there.

You're going to love this.

And they have been knocking
the shit out of each other

since 1907.

And we have never
been able to find

the right man to bring
them together in a spirit

of Christian harmony.

But I think that
you are the man.

Well, thanks very

Much-- no need to thank me.

By the way, do you know
how to make arrows?

No.

Not to worry.

Not to worry.

It will come to you.

Now, Dougal.

Over to you.

Isn't it funny, how some of
these places in the Philippines

can keep on going without
a proper sewerage system?

You're right
there, Your Honor.

Now, Jack!

Where can we send you, huh?

Jack, wake up.

Bishop, Bishop, I
wouldn't do that.

You shut up.

Jack!

Wake up.

[creaking]

Feck off!

I've got you now, Jack.

I've got you.

Oh, my God.

If you think this
place is bad, wait

till you see your new parish.

Just wait until you see.

Well.

That's it then.

I suppose-- I suppose all
we can do now is pack.

Ted.

I don't want to go
to the Philippines.

I mean, I can't even
spell the Philippines.

I know it begins
with an F, but--

I know, I know.

If only there some
way we could persuade

the Bishop to change his mind.

If only we had something
we could bargain with.

I don't know.

[quiet laughing]

What's that, Jack?

Did you get a film?

The last thing I want
to watch now is a film.

Well.

That was great, wasn't it?

You're right there, Ted.

Should we phone him now,
or will we watch it again?

I think we'll watch it again.

[theme music playing]