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1
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:13,679
Ted, if you had three
wishes, what would that be?
2
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,039
Three wishes?
3
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:16,559
I don't know really.
4
00:00:16,679 --> 00:00:19,320
Well, I suppose the first
one would be world peace.
5
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,920
And then maybe an end to hunger.
6
00:00:23,039 --> 00:00:28,600
And uh-- [disco music playing]
more money for hospitals
7
00:00:28,719 --> 00:00:30,960
and that type of thing.
8
00:00:31,079 --> 00:00:32,439
Fair enough, Ted.
9
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,439
And yourself, Dougal,
what would three wishes be?
10
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:35,439
Oh, Lord, I don't know.
11
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:36,520
No, I'm happy enough really.
12
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:37,640
Really?
13
00:00:37,759 --> 00:00:38,520
You wouldn't want
anything at all?
14
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:40,200
No, I don't think so.
15
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:43,840
I can't think about
anything anyway.
16
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:48,399
You wouldn't want, say, a
big car to drive around in?
17
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:52,159
Oh, wow, that
would be fantastic.
18
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,280
Driving around in a big
car, that would be one.
19
00:00:54,399 --> 00:00:55,280
Brilliant.
20
00:00:58,359 --> 00:01:01,479
And what would be
your second wish?
21
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:02,840
Oh, no, that would be fine.
22
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,879
No, the car would be fine.
23
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:08,840
You wouldn't like to be a rock
star or something like Elvis?
24
00:01:08,959 --> 00:01:11,280
Oh, God, yeah, I'd
love to be a rock
25
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:12,519
star like Elvis or something.
26
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,959
That would be brilliant.
27
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,519
So your third
wish, if you had one?
28
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:22,400
No.
29
00:01:22,519 --> 00:01:24,079
No, that would be fine.
30
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:28,640
No, if I had a big car and I was
Elvis, that it would be grand.
31
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,519
You wouldn't like, say, um--
32
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,000
this cup?
33
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:38,000
Oh, God, yeah,
I'd love that cup.
34
00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:40,599
If I had that cup and I was
Elvis and I was in a big car,
35
00:01:40,719 --> 00:01:44,079
that would be fantastic.
36
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,280
You've never had much of an
imagination, have you, Dougal.
37
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,439
No, you're right there, Ted.
38
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,920
[music playing]
39
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,800
[explosion]
40
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,639
[clock ticking]
41
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,319
Are you sure you won't
have some tea, Paul?
42
00:02:45,439 --> 00:02:46,240
No, I'm fine.
43
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,159
Right.
44
00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:01,680
Uh-- would you like me to
turn on the television?
45
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:02,560
No thanks.
46
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,400
I'm fine.
47
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:05,280
Right.
48
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:16,840
Have you seen Father
Shortall at all recently?
49
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,560
No.
50
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:20,719
I was thinking,
what would he be?
51
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,000
Would he be 80 now?
52
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,800
I suppose so.
53
00:03:24,919 --> 00:03:26,120
Oh, Dougal, you
wanted to have a word.
54
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,159
Far enough.
It won't be moment.
55
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:28,080
See you in a moment, Father.
56
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,479
What's up with you, Ted?
Who's that?
57
00:03:33,599 --> 00:03:34,759
I have to get out of there.
58
00:03:34,879 --> 00:03:36,240
Who is he, Ted?
59
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,919
Now, Dougal, don't overreact.
60
00:03:39,039 --> 00:03:39,840
Fair enough.
61
00:03:43,879 --> 00:03:44,639
Right.
62
00:03:48,159 --> 00:03:50,960
It's Father Storm.
63
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:51,840
Dougal get up.
64
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,520
No, Ted, no, not him.
65
00:03:53,639 --> 00:03:54,759
It's him, all right.
66
00:03:54,879 --> 00:03:55,680
God almighty.
67
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:56,960
I know.
68
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:58,240
Why didn't you
tell him not to come.
69
00:03:58,360 --> 00:03:59,360
You said you would.
70
00:03:59,479 --> 00:04:00,599
You promised after
the last time.
71
00:04:00,719 --> 00:04:01,680
I tried, but it's
like trying to talk
72
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,599
to a wall with a mustache.
73
00:04:03,719 --> 00:04:05,319
Oh, my god, I hate it.
74
00:04:05,439 --> 00:04:07,879
Those awful,
protracted silences.
75
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,680
Why didn't you lie to him?
76
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,000
I did.
77
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:12,879
I told him great big
mass of lies with feckin
78
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,039
bells hanging off them.
79
00:04:15,159 --> 00:04:16,319
You know what it's like?
80
00:04:16,439 --> 00:04:17,800
It's like trying to
ask the Holy Mother
81
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,720
to stop appearing to school
girls at Ballnspittal.
82
00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:22,040
Oh, God.
83
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,600
Right, Dougal, you
have to keep me company.
84
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:24,519
No, no, no.
85
00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:25,399
Dougal.
86
00:04:28,399 --> 00:04:30,680
Back again.
87
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:31,879
Oh, sorry, Paul.
88
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,240
Uh-- you remember Dougal?
89
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:35,240
Ah, yes.
90
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:36,839
Of course, you do.
91
00:04:36,959 --> 00:04:38,480
Sure, you must be coming here,
how many years is it now?
92
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:39,600
A few anyway.
93
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,399
Six.
94
00:04:41,519 --> 00:04:44,040
Six years.
95
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,879
Every summer.
96
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,720
So-- what time you
going back tomorrow?
97
00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:51,759
I might stay.
98
00:04:51,879 --> 00:04:53,040
What?
99
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,839
I say I might stay.
100
00:04:54,959 --> 00:04:55,759
How long?
101
00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:57,199
Well, I don't know.
102
00:04:57,319 --> 00:04:58,600
A few weeks maybe.
103
00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,680
A few weeks?
104
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:01,759
Sorry about that, Ted.
105
00:05:01,879 --> 00:05:03,680
Fell over.
106
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,519
Tea, Fathers.
107
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:08,399
Anyone for a nice cup of--
108
00:05:08,519 --> 00:05:11,759
oh, no, it's Father Stone.
109
00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:15,000
Do you not have to
get back to your parish?
110
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,000
No.
111
00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:17,319
Not for a while anyway.
112
00:05:17,439 --> 00:05:20,720
Huh, huh, right,
it's just that there's
113
00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:22,720
a problem in that um--
114
00:05:22,839 --> 00:05:24,319
Dougal and I were
thinking of doing
115
00:05:24,439 --> 00:05:26,519
something-- what was it we
were thinking of doing, Dougal.
116
00:05:26,639 --> 00:05:28,199
The thing there.
117
00:05:28,319 --> 00:05:29,519
Yes, yes, what was the thing
we were going to do together?
118
00:05:29,639 --> 00:05:30,439
Yes.
119
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:31,319
What was it?
120
00:05:31,439 --> 00:05:32,279
The thing--
121
00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:33,959
The big thing it was--
122
00:05:34,079 --> 00:05:38,920
Oh, um-- holidays.
123
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,480
We're going on holidays.
124
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:45,439
That's fine.
125
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:46,879
I'll mind the place.
- Wait.
126
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,240
Wait.
127
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:49,720
It wasn't that we were
going on holiday at all.
128
00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:52,360
It was something else we
were going to do that means
129
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,199
no one can stay in the house.
130
00:05:54,319 --> 00:05:55,120
What was it?
131
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:56,959
What was it?
132
00:05:57,079 --> 00:06:01,480
We were going to have
the painting rehung.
133
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:02,519
Brilliant.
134
00:06:02,639 --> 00:06:04,439
Brilliant memory there.
135
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,199
Have you noticed,
they're all crooked?
136
00:06:06,319 --> 00:06:08,199
I mean, what type
of language is that?
137
00:06:08,319 --> 00:06:09,600
Mad angle.
138
00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:10,519
So you can stay here.
139
00:06:10,639 --> 00:06:12,800
It's too dangerous to.
140
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,120
See?
141
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,279
Couldn't be here when
people are shifting
142
00:06:15,399 --> 00:06:17,639
paintings all around the place.
143
00:06:17,759 --> 00:06:20,000
So where would you go?
144
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,600
Hotel probably.
145
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:22,519
That's fine.
146
00:06:22,639 --> 00:06:23,399
I'll go with you.
147
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,439
Sorry, I just have to sort
something out with, Dougal.
148
00:06:32,519 --> 00:06:34,240
God, think, Dougal, think.
149
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,800
All right, I'll do the thinking.
150
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,759
Ted, Jack!
151
00:06:42,879 --> 00:06:45,720
Oh, god, if he sees him.
152
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,079
Christ almighty, I'll have
to break it to him gently.
153
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:51,920
Look, you take Paul
out and I'll go--
154
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,240
No.
155
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:54,240
You're not leaving me
alone with him, Ted.
156
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:55,319
Dougal.
157
00:06:55,439 --> 00:06:56,560
No, Ted, sorry about that.
158
00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:57,480
I just can't.
159
00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:58,759
Now, there's no way.
160
00:06:58,879 --> 00:07:01,759
So are you going to tell Jack?
161
00:07:01,879 --> 00:07:04,560
I'll get me coat.
162
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:08,759
Paul, Dougal is
going for a walk.
163
00:07:08,879 --> 00:07:10,560
Would you like to join him?
164
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:11,759
No, I'm fine.
165
00:07:11,879 --> 00:07:12,680
Are you sure you won't go?
166
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:13,680
It's lovely.
167
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,399
No thanks.
I'm fine.
168
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:17,399
Well, it's just that Dougal
wants to show you something.
169
00:07:17,519 --> 00:07:18,279
It's very important.
170
00:07:18,399 --> 00:07:19,639
Is it?
171
00:07:19,759 --> 00:07:21,399
Yes very, very important.
172
00:07:21,519 --> 00:07:23,639
This could be the most
important thing you'll ever see.
173
00:07:23,759 --> 00:07:24,560
Yeah?
174
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,560
Yes.
175
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:27,480
All right.
176
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:28,959
So you'll go so?
177
00:07:29,079 --> 00:07:31,680
No, I'm fine, thanks.
178
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,040
I'll see it again sometime.
179
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,480
To be honest,
it's not that Dougal
180
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,040
wants to show you something.
181
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:40,279
It's there's a fire in the
house and you have to leave.
182
00:07:40,399 --> 00:07:41,680
A fire?
183
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:42,920
Yes.
184
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,000
I didn't want to get
you into a panic,
185
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:45,120
because it's only a small fire.
186
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:46,759
But it could spread.
187
00:07:46,879 --> 00:07:48,920
And if you died in it,
I'd never forgive myself.
188
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,959
So if you just go with
Dougal, I'll fight the blaze.
189
00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:51,879
All All
190
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:52,759
right so
191
00:07:52,879 --> 00:07:53,920
you're going
192
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,319
Oh, yeah, to a fire.
193
00:07:56,439 --> 00:07:57,680
Great.
194
00:07:57,800 --> 00:07:59,319
Don't worry about me.
195
00:07:59,439 --> 00:08:00,439
A drop of water
will do the trick.
196
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,319
[wind blowing]
197
00:08:16,439 --> 00:08:20,360
So have you seen
Father Shortall lately?
198
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:21,279
No.
199
00:08:27,519 --> 00:08:29,920
I suppose he must
be about 80 now.
200
00:08:32,519 --> 00:08:33,320
I suppose so.
201
00:08:40,919 --> 00:08:42,360
FATHER TED: Father?
202
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,000
Father, are you awake?
203
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:51,519
Father
204
00:08:51,639 --> 00:08:53,559
Father, we have a visitor.
205
00:08:56,759 --> 00:09:00,519
So how's everything then?
206
00:09:00,639 --> 00:09:03,480
All right.
207
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,960
FATHER JACK: Feck off.
208
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,440
Bit of a back draft.
209
00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:10,440
Nearly out.
210
00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:16,399
[music playing]
211
00:09:27,039 --> 00:09:29,080
Jack gone to bed then, Ted?
212
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,879
Yes, he was a little tired.
213
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,840
[muffled yells]
214
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,159
Right, well, I suppose my
bath would be ready by now.
215
00:09:56,159 --> 00:09:59,000
[sighs]
216
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:07,919
Ah.
217
00:10:20,919 --> 00:10:23,519
Can I help you, Paul?
218
00:10:23,639 --> 00:10:27,159
No, I'm fine.
219
00:10:27,279 --> 00:10:30,799
I'm-- um-- having a bath.
220
00:10:30,919 --> 00:10:34,440
It's just that I wanted
to go to the toilet.
221
00:10:34,559 --> 00:10:36,720
Oh, Right, well, go ahead.
222
00:10:56,159 --> 00:10:59,039
[organ music playing]
223
00:11:01,639 --> 00:11:04,480
[clock ticking]
224
00:11:09,759 --> 00:11:10,559
Time for bed.
225
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,720
It's only half 7.
226
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,480
Yes, I have to be up
AT 11:00 in the morning.
227
00:11:21,399 --> 00:11:22,519
Dougal, you better
get some rest too.
228
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,519
I can't take much
more of this, Ted.
229
00:11:34,639 --> 00:11:35,399
I know.
230
00:11:35,519 --> 00:11:37,080
I know.
231
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,519
Six years.
232
00:11:38,639 --> 00:11:40,200
You think that by now
he'd have got the message.
233
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,039
Do you remember that time,
Ted, when we knew he was coming
234
00:11:43,159 --> 00:11:46,360
and we pretended to be in Rome?
235
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,919
God, yeah, that was amazing.
236
00:11:48,039 --> 00:11:52,360
Anyone else would go fair
enough and just not turn up.
237
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,919
Five days in the attic.
238
00:11:58,879 --> 00:12:01,480
No food, no water.
239
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:03,679
Rats everywhere.
240
00:12:03,799 --> 00:12:05,000
If only we'd thought
of it this year.
241
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,879
How'd you meet him
in the first place?
242
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,080
He was introduced to
me by Father Jim Doogan.
243
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:11,679
We were at a conference.
244
00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:14,679
Doogan comes up and said,
this is Father Stone,
245
00:12:14,799 --> 00:12:17,639
and ran out of the building.
246
00:12:17,759 --> 00:12:20,200
Just ran straight
out of the building.
247
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,559
So we started talking--
248
00:12:21,679 --> 00:12:24,360
well, I started talking,
you know, the way he is.
249
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,720
And just to break the silence,
I invited him to stay,
250
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,240
you know, just for
something to say.
251
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,759
The next day-- the next day--
252
00:12:30,879 --> 00:12:33,159
he arrived on the island.
253
00:12:33,279 --> 00:12:34,639
God, if he'd only say something.
254
00:12:34,759 --> 00:12:35,840
He just sits there.
255
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,840
I mean, what does
he get hold of it?
256
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,320
Right.
257
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,399
I hope he's gone before
your birthday party anyway.
258
00:12:41,519 --> 00:12:43,360
Oh, he'd be long gone by then.
259
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:44,360
What is it?
260
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:45,480
Three weeks away.
261
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,480
[music playing]
262
00:13:03,919 --> 00:13:04,840
God, took the time.
263
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:08,440
I'd better be going, Ted.
264
00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:09,799
You need a lift.
265
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:12,960
Dougal.
266
00:13:25,159 --> 00:13:29,679
Please, God, [sobbing]
please get rid of him.
267
00:13:29,799 --> 00:13:35,200
I don't care how you do it,
just please get rid of him.
268
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,279
Do you want money?
269
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:38,759
Anything you want.
270
00:13:38,879 --> 00:13:43,360
Name any charities, but
please get rid of him.
271
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:47,279
[thunder claps]
272
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,840
FATHER DOUGAL: Maybe
we should go home, Ted.
273
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,279
FATHER TED: Think
about it, Dougal.
274
00:13:58,399 --> 00:14:01,080
Think about who's sitting
in the living room.
275
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,320
I think it's
clearing up now anyway.
276
00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:08,080
Windmill thing's
blown over there, Ted.
277
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,679
Never mind, just have a go.
278
00:14:10,799 --> 00:14:11,679
Golf, yeah?
279
00:14:11,799 --> 00:14:12,919
Oh, God.
280
00:14:13,039 --> 00:14:15,279
Oh, yeah, crazy golf, Paul.
281
00:14:15,399 --> 00:14:18,039
Not exactly the US Masters.
282
00:14:18,159 --> 00:14:20,639
Will you have a go, Paul?
283
00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:21,759
Oh, no.
284
00:14:21,879 --> 00:14:22,919
It's great fun,
isn't it, Dougal.
285
00:14:23,039 --> 00:14:24,440
- Yes, Ted, fantastic.
- Have a go.
286
00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:26,080
- No, no.
- Go on.
287
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,799
It's even easier now that the
windmill is not in the way.
288
00:14:27,919 --> 00:14:28,720
Here you go.
289
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:29,840
Give it a real go.
290
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,320
What's the worst
thing can happen?
291
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,159
[thunder clap]
292
00:14:37,559 --> 00:14:40,120
Oh, God, Dougal,
it's all my fault.
293
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:41,720
Don't be silly, Ted.
294
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:46,159
So what did you do, pray for
him to be hit by lightning?
295
00:14:46,279 --> 00:14:47,879
No, of course not.
296
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:49,879
I asked him to
intervene in some way.
297
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:50,919
But this is a bit much.
298
00:14:51,039 --> 00:14:53,519
What were you thinking of?
299
00:14:53,639 --> 00:14:55,120
Who'd have thought that
being hit by lightning
300
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:57,320
would land in hospital.
301
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,320
What?
302
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,279
What?
303
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:01,559
What are you talking about?
304
00:15:01,679 --> 00:15:02,919
Of course, it can
land you in hospital.
305
00:15:03,039 --> 00:15:05,360
Well, it's not usually
serious, is it, Ted?
306
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:06,799
I mean, I was hit by
lightning a few times.
307
00:15:06,919 --> 00:15:09,639
I never had to go to hospital.
308
00:15:09,759 --> 00:15:12,919
Yes, Dougal, but you're
different from most people.
309
00:15:13,039 --> 00:15:15,440
All that happened to you was
balloons kept sticking to you.
310
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,080
God, I hate hospitals.
311
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,159
Did you ever notice,
it's usually sick people
312
00:15:24,279 --> 00:15:25,559
who end up in hospitals?
313
00:15:28,879 --> 00:15:30,440
Ah, yeah, they all
come here, Ted.
314
00:15:30,559 --> 00:15:31,639
Of course, you're
a goner the minute
315
00:15:31,759 --> 00:15:33,320
you walk in through the door.
316
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:34,480
You know, I'd prefer to take my
chances in the real world, Ted.
317
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:35,720
You know, no matter
how sick I was,
318
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:37,559
I'd never go under the hammer.
319
00:15:37,679 --> 00:15:40,200
Under the knife, Dougal.
320
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,159
Under the hammer's
auctioneering.
321
00:15:42,279 --> 00:15:44,240
Ah, right, yeah.
322
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,399
Do you remember that film, Ted,
where your man has his head
323
00:15:46,519 --> 00:15:48,159
transplanted onto a flight.
324
00:15:48,279 --> 00:15:50,679
And the fly's head is
transplanted onto the man?
325
00:15:50,799 --> 00:15:52,120
Oh, yes, what was that called?
326
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,399
"Out of Africa," I think.
327
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:58,120
Anyway, the man has
the head of the fly.
328
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,279
And he's chasing his
wife all over the place.
329
00:16:00,399 --> 00:16:01,919
And she, you know, she's
trying to hide the jam
330
00:16:02,039 --> 00:16:04,000
and everything so as he
won't get stuck in it.
331
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:05,120
and that kind of thing.
332
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:06,840
I have to stop
you there, Dougal.
333
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:07,759
Yes, Ted?
334
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:08,639
No reason.
335
00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:10,639
I just have to stop you.
336
00:16:10,759 --> 00:16:11,519
There he is.
337
00:16:11,639 --> 00:16:12,440
Today's emergency.
338
00:16:12,559 --> 00:16:13,679
What is it today, doctor?
339
00:16:13,799 --> 00:16:15,120
We don't know.
340
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,799
I think it's a combination
of Babycham and Harpic.
341
00:16:18,919 --> 00:16:22,360
Probably all that was
left after the party.
342
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,480
Father Stone's been in
there a long time, hasn't he?
343
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,320
You think he's dead?
344
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:28,799
Probably doing tests.
345
00:16:28,919 --> 00:16:30,159
What sort of tests?
346
00:16:30,279 --> 00:16:32,960
General knowledge?
347
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,679
No.
348
00:16:34,799 --> 00:16:36,559
Won't got much out of
him in that condition.
349
00:16:36,679 --> 00:16:37,360
No.
No.
350
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,120
Medical tests.
351
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:42,679
What would he
know but that, Ted?
352
00:16:42,799 --> 00:16:45,080
[yelling]
353
00:16:46,159 --> 00:16:47,159
There he goes.
354
00:16:47,279 --> 00:16:49,360
He can move when he wants to.
355
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,240
Stupid bastard, you've
really done it this time.
356
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:53,840
You started, you slag.
357
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,600
The next time
I'll finish the job.
358
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:57,639
I-- ah, Fathers.
359
00:16:57,759 --> 00:16:58,600
Hello, John.
360
00:16:58,720 --> 00:16:59,960
Hello, Mary.
361
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,440
Uh-- hello.
362
00:17:01,559 --> 00:17:04,079
Well, what are you
doing here, Father?
363
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,160
Um-- a friend of ours
had a bit of an accident.
364
00:17:06,279 --> 00:17:07,160
Oh, dear.
365
00:17:07,279 --> 00:17:08,039
What happened to you?
366
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,160
That looks nasty.
367
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,519
Ah, I'm sure it's
nothing, Father.
368
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:14,519
It's just a headache.
369
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:15,960
I don't know why I
bothered coming really.
370
00:17:19,759 --> 00:17:20,720
Is that blood?
371
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:22,480
Oh, god, no, no.
372
00:17:22,599 --> 00:17:24,680
I don't think so.
373
00:17:24,799 --> 00:17:26,359
I just got a slight
nick with a knife
374
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,359
when Mary was putting
the bandage on.
375
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,400
It's not a stab wound.
376
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:34,319
Sure, he's fine.
377
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,440
You look like you've been
in the wars yourself, Mary.
378
00:17:36,559 --> 00:17:37,880
Ah, it's only
a sprain, Father.
379
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:38,799
It's nothing.
380
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:39,960
I was lifting a bag of coal.
381
00:17:40,079 --> 00:17:41,200
It's not broken.
382
00:17:41,319 --> 00:17:44,079
If it is, sure, what the hell.
383
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,480
I hope your brain gets better.
384
00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:49,279
The next time, I'll
frigging make sure--
385
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,880
Shut up, you bitch.
386
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,240
They are a lovely
couple, though,
387
00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:54,440
aren't they, John and Mary?
388
00:17:54,559 --> 00:17:55,319
They are all right.
389
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:05,000
How much longer are
they going to be in there?
390
00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:06,920
Ted, we hardly even know
him when you think about it.
391
00:18:07,039 --> 00:18:08,799
Does he have much of a family?
392
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:09,720
Yes.
393
00:18:09,839 --> 00:18:11,519
His parents are alive.
394
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,599
And he has a brother, I think.
395
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:14,960
A doctor an American.
396
00:18:15,079 --> 00:18:16,359
Doctor, wow.
397
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:17,680
You wouldn't believe
that, would you?
398
00:18:17,799 --> 00:18:19,279
But that used to be
quite common, you know.
399
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,519
The favorite son
would become a doctor.
400
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:25,640
And then the idiot brother would
be sent off to the priesthood.
401
00:18:25,759 --> 00:18:26,880
Your brother is
a doctor, isn't he?
402
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,559
Yes.
403
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,319
Ah, doctor, how's the patient.
404
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:32,480
He's hanging in there.
405
00:18:32,599 --> 00:18:33,599
It's mostly shock--
406
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:34,519
Great, well
that's not serious.
407
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:35,799
Well, it's quite serious.
408
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,880
A bolt of lightning
can do a lot of damage.
409
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:38,799
Can it?
410
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,119
Yes.
411
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:41,960
His reactions are very
poor at the moment.
412
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:42,960
He's always been like that.
413
00:18:43,079 --> 00:18:44,039
Very poor reactions.
414
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,519
That's normal for him.
415
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,279
Actually, he's not reacting
a toll to any stimulus.
416
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,480
Again, I wouldn't
worry about it.
417
00:18:49,599 --> 00:18:51,200
That's always the way.
418
00:18:51,319 --> 00:18:52,880
Look, Father, I'm a doctor.
419
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:56,279
And I know that it's not normal
to fail to react to a stimulus.
420
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:57,279
I'm sure it is.
421
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,160
Look, look, look, look at this.
422
00:19:00,279 --> 00:19:01,240
You see?
423
00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:02,559
It's a thing with priests.
424
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,799
We have our minds on
more spiritual matters.
425
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,599
So I wouldn't worry about it.
426
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,359
Well, no, I think I
will worry about it.
427
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,039
Oh, God, OK, can we see him?
428
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:14,640
I'd like to say a prayer.
429
00:19:14,759 --> 00:19:17,000
Yes, all right,
Father, this way.
430
00:19:22,279 --> 00:19:23,759
As you can see, we
still haven't been
431
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,519
able to remove the golf club.
432
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,000
Why isn't he in bed?
433
00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:30,599
It's hard to get him
into a comfortable position
434
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,880
when he's in that stance.
435
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,240
But you're right, he's been
on his feet long enough.
436
00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:38,480
He looks like a trophy.
437
00:19:38,599 --> 00:19:39,640
He does a bit.
438
00:19:39,759 --> 00:19:41,839
I'm sorry, I only just heard--
439
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,119
Paul.
440
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:44,599
Oh--
441
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,759
Come on, Mrs. Stone, we've
got to get him into bed.
442
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:48,079
Father, would you?
443
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,519
You must be Father Crilly.
444
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:54,839
Yes, I am.
445
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,119
Oh, God bless you,
Father, God bless you--
446
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:58,400
Ahem.
447
00:19:58,519 --> 00:20:00,279
Oh, Father, this is
my husband, Dermot.
448
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,880
Ah, God, Father,
it's terrible.
449
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,200
Father, it's terrible.
450
00:20:04,319 --> 00:20:06,759
But forgive me for using
the Lord's name in vain,
451
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:08,839
but Jesus Christ
isn't it terrible?
452
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:09,799
Is it?
453
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:10,759
Oh, it tis, Father.
454
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,240
It tis, terrible, terrible.
455
00:20:12,359 --> 00:20:14,400
I tell you, I couldn't have
said it better me self.
456
00:20:14,519 --> 00:20:16,079
Terrible is the word.
457
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,599
Terrible, I tell you, Father,
terrible is too small a word.
458
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,000
Oh,God, God, Father,
it's too small a word.
459
00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:24,119
Would you look at what
you're doing to your mother,
460
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,119
you lazy little bastard.
461
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,039
You're useless.
462
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:27,200
Get up.
463
00:20:27,319 --> 00:20:28,880
Now, Mr. Stone--
464
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,119
Oh, now, Father, I'm sorry him
causing you all this trouble.
465
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,559
God forgive me for saying
this, but wouldn't it be
466
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:37,279
better if he had been killed.
467
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,319
And herself all upset.
468
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:42,440
Jesus, Father what you
must think of him and us
469
00:20:42,559 --> 00:20:44,400
for bringing him into the world.
- Ah, no--
470
00:20:44,519 --> 00:20:45,759
We're going out for a drink.
Father.
471
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,200
Will you join me?
- No.
472
00:20:47,319 --> 00:20:48,599
I think I should stay
here for the moment.
473
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:49,839
Fair enough then.
474
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,480
See you later, right.
475
00:20:51,599 --> 00:20:53,319
And this is Mummy.
476
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,200
Hello.
477
00:20:55,319 --> 00:20:57,599
[ominous music]
478
00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:00,240
I know what you're up to.
479
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:04,839
God, you know, Father,
Paul thinks the world of you.
480
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:05,960
Well, indeed he does.
481
00:21:06,079 --> 00:21:08,519
He never stops
talking about you.
482
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:12,519
It's Father Ted says this,
Father Ted says that.
483
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,119
He worships your father.
484
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,240
Really.
485
00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:16,799
He comes back
from Craggy Island
486
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:19,359
and he's counting the days
until he can go back again.
487
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:20,279
Literally.
488
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,200
Look.
489
00:21:23,319 --> 00:21:24,720
He has a chart.
490
00:21:24,839 --> 00:21:27,920
And he crosses off the
days as they pass by.
491
00:21:28,039 --> 00:21:30,720
And right down at the
bottom of the chart, Father,
492
00:21:30,839 --> 00:21:32,240
there's a photograph
of yourself.
493
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:33,440
Oh, God.
494
00:21:33,559 --> 00:21:36,519
And he does paintings,
as well, Father.
495
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:37,839
He did this one for you.
496
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:44,880
Oh, Lord, [beeping] Oh God.
497
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:45,759
What is it?
498
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:46,799
It's his heart.
499
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:47,960
Do something.
500
00:21:48,079 --> 00:21:48,920
Oh.
501
00:21:49,039 --> 00:21:50,359
Oh.
502
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:51,920
Dougal.
503
00:21:52,039 --> 00:21:57,359
Dougal-- Dougal.
504
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,480
Mrs. Stone, could
you come with me?
505
00:21:59,599 --> 00:22:00,880
I need you to fill
out some forms.
506
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,240
Oh, is he going
to be all right?
507
00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:04,920
We're doing all we can,
but he is quite will.
508
00:22:05,039 --> 00:22:06,519
Just hope for the best, hm.
509
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:07,400
All right, Doctor.
510
00:22:07,519 --> 00:22:09,240
Come on, Mummy.
511
00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:11,079
[ominous music]
512
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:13,880
FATHER TED: The old
woman, she knows.
513
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,559
She knows it's all my fault.
514
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:16,640
How would she know that?
515
00:22:16,759 --> 00:22:18,079
They have ways.
516
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,279
Older women are closer to
God than we'll ever be.
517
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:21,440
They get to that
age and they don't
518
00:22:21,559 --> 00:22:22,640
need the operator anymore.
519
00:22:22,759 --> 00:22:24,720
They've got the direct line.
520
00:22:24,839 --> 00:22:26,079
She knows all right.
521
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,240
And who could blame her
for being angry with me?
522
00:22:27,359 --> 00:22:30,160
It's all my fault.
Why did I do it?
523
00:22:30,279 --> 00:22:33,759
Oh, God, please,
[sobbing] please.
524
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,319
Bring him back, I never
meant you take him away.
525
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:37,839
No need for the lightning.
526
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:38,960
You know I didn't mean that.
527
00:22:39,079 --> 00:22:41,319
That was just silly.
528
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:45,160
Please, God, bring him back and
I swear, we'll look after him.
529
00:22:45,279 --> 00:22:46,640
He can stay as long as he wants.
530
00:22:46,759 --> 00:22:47,519
Ah, now, Ted--
531
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,880
Shut up, Dougal.
532
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,960
Please, I swear, I'll look after
him for the rest of my days.
533
00:22:54,079 --> 00:22:56,799
Please just do this one thing.
534
00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:03,480
Ah, come on, please, I swear--
535
00:23:03,599 --> 00:23:06,440
Paul, you're back.
536
00:23:06,559 --> 00:23:09,200
Ah, Lord, it's a miracle Doctor.
537
00:23:09,319 --> 00:23:13,440
Paul, can I get you
anything at all?
538
00:23:13,559 --> 00:23:14,359
No, I'm fine.
539
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,240
[clock ticking]
540
00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:36,599
[music playing]
36112
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