Original subtitles

Ted, if you had three wishes, what would that be?

Three wishes?

I don't know really.

Well, I suppose the first one would be world peace.

And then maybe an end to hunger.

And uh-- [disco music playing] more money for hospitals

and that type of thing.

Fair enough, Ted.

And yourself, Dougal, what would three wishes be?

Oh, Lord, I don't know.

No, I'm happy enough really.

Really?

You wouldn't want anything at all?

No, I don't think so.

I can't think about anything anyway.

You wouldn't want, say, a big car to drive around in?

Oh, wow, that would be fantastic.

Driving around in a big car, that would be one.

Brilliant.

And what would be your second wish?

Oh, no, that would be fine.

No, the car would be fine.

You wouldn't like to be a rock star or something like Elvis?

Oh, God, yeah, I'd love to be a rock

star like Elvis or something.

That would be brilliant.

So your third wish, if you had one?

No.

No, that would be fine.

No, if I had a big car and I was Elvis, that it would be grand.

You wouldn't like, say, um--

this cup?

Oh, God, yeah, I'd love that cup.

If I had that cup and I was Elvis and I was in a big car,

that would be fantastic.

You've never had much of an imagination, have you, Dougal.

No, you're right there, Ted.

[music playing]

[explosion]

[clock ticking]

Are you sure you won't have some tea, Paul?

No, I'm fine.

Right.

Uh-- would you like me to turn on the television?

No thanks.

I'm fine.

Right.

Have you seen Father Shortall at all recently?

No.

I was thinking, what would he be?

Would he be 80 now?

I suppose so.

Oh, Dougal, you wanted to have a word.

Far enough. It won't be moment.

See you in a moment, Father.

What's up with you, Ted? Who's that?

I have to get out of there.

Who is he, Ted?

Now, Dougal, don't overreact.

Fair enough.

Right.

It's Father Storm.

Dougal get up.

No, Ted, no, not him.

It's him, all right.

God almighty.

I know.

Why didn't you tell him not to come.

You said you would.

You promised after the last time.

I tried, but it's like trying to talk

to a wall with a mustache.

Oh, my god, I hate it.

Those awful, protracted silences.

Why didn't you lie to him?

I did.

I told him great big mass of lies with feckin

bells hanging off them.

You know what it's like?

It's like trying to ask the Holy Mother

to stop appearing to school girls at Ballnspittal.

Oh, God.

Right, Dougal, you have to keep me company.

No, no, no.

Dougal.

Back again.

Oh, sorry, Paul.

Uh-- you remember Dougal?

Ah, yes.

Of course, you do.

Sure, you must be coming here, how many years is it now?

A few anyway.

Six.

Six years.

Every summer.

So-- what time you going back tomorrow?

I might stay.

What?

I say I might stay.

How long?

Well, I don't know.

A few weeks maybe.

A few weeks?

Sorry about that, Ted.

Fell over.

Tea, Fathers.

Anyone for a nice cup of--

oh, no, it's Father Stone.

Do you not have to get back to your parish?

No.

Not for a while anyway.

Huh, huh, right, it's just that there's

a problem in that um--

Dougal and I were thinking of doing

something-- what was it we were thinking of doing, Dougal.

The thing there.

Yes, yes, what was the thing we were going to do together?

Yes.

What was it?

The thing--

The big thing it was--

Oh, um-- holidays.

We're going on holidays.

That's fine.

I'll mind the place. - Wait.

Wait.

It wasn't that we were going on holiday at all.

It was something else we were going to do that means

no one can stay in the house.

What was it?

What was it?

We were going to have the painting rehung.

Brilliant.

Brilliant memory there.

Have you noticed, they're all crooked?

I mean, what type of language is that?

Mad angle.

So you can stay here.

It's too dangerous to.

See?

Couldn't be here when people are shifting

paintings all around the place.

So where would you go?

Hotel probably.

That's fine.

I'll go with you.

Sorry, I just have to sort something out with, Dougal.

God, think, Dougal, think.

All right, I'll do the thinking.

Ted, Jack!

Oh, god, if he sees him.

Christ almighty, I'll have to break it to him gently.

Look, you take Paul out and I'll go--

No.

You're not leaving me alone with him, Ted.

Dougal.

No, Ted, sorry about that.

I just can't.

Now, there's no way.

So are you going to tell Jack?

I'll get me coat.

Paul, Dougal is going for a walk.

Would you like to join him?

No, I'm fine.

Are you sure you won't go?

It's lovely.

No thanks. I'm fine.

Well, it's just that Dougal wants to show you something.

It's very important.

Is it?

Yes very, very important.

This could be the most important thing you'll ever see.

Yeah?

Yes.

All right.

So you'll go so?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

I'll see it again sometime.

To be honest, it's not that Dougal

wants to show you something.

It's there's a fire in the house and you have to leave.

A fire?

Yes.

I didn't want to get you into a panic,

because it's only a small fire.

But it could spread.

And if you died in it, I'd never forgive myself.

So if you just go with Dougal, I'll fight the blaze.

All All

right so

you're going

Oh, yeah, to a fire.

Great.

Don't worry about me.

A drop of water will do the trick.

[wind blowing]

So have you seen Father Shortall lately?

No.

I suppose he must be about 80 now.

I suppose so.

FATHER TED: Father?

Father, are you awake?

Father

Father, we have a visitor.

So how's everything then?

All right.

FATHER JACK: Feck off.

Bit of a back draft.

Nearly out.

[music playing]

Jack gone to bed then, Ted?

Yes, he was a little tired.

[muffled yells]

Right, well, I suppose my bath would be ready by now.

[sighs]

Ah.

Can I help you, Paul?

No, I'm fine.

I'm-- um-- having a bath.

It's just that I wanted to go to the toilet.

Oh, Right, well, go ahead.

[organ music playing]

[clock ticking]

Time for bed.

It's only half 7.

Yes, I have to be up AT 11:00 in the morning.

Dougal, you better get some rest too.

I can't take much more of this, Ted.

I know.

I know.

Six years.

You think that by now he'd have got the message.

Do you remember that time, Ted, when we knew he was coming

and we pretended to be in Rome?

God, yeah, that was amazing.

Anyone else would go fair enough and just not turn up.

Five days in the attic.

No food, no water.

Rats everywhere.

If only we'd thought of it this year.

How'd you meet him in the first place?

He was introduced to me by Father Jim Doogan.

We were at a conference.

Doogan comes up and said, this is Father Stone,

and ran out of the building.

Just ran straight out of the building.

So we started talking--

well, I started talking, you know, the way he is.

And just to break the silence, I invited him to stay,

you know, just for something to say.

The next day-- the next day--

he arrived on the island.

God, if he'd only say something.

He just sits there.

I mean, what does he get hold of it?

Right.

I hope he's gone before your birthday party anyway.

Oh, he'd be long gone by then.

What is it?

Three weeks away.

[music playing]

God, took the time.

I'd better be going, Ted.

You need a lift.

Dougal.

Please, God, [sobbing] please get rid of him.

I don't care how you do it, just please get rid of him.

Do you want money?

Anything you want.

Name any charities, but please get rid of him.

[thunder claps]

FATHER DOUGAL: Maybe we should go home, Ted.

FATHER TED: Think about it, Dougal.

Think about who's sitting in the living room.

I think it's clearing up now anyway.

Windmill thing's blown over there, Ted.

Never mind, just have a go.

Golf, yeah?

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah, crazy golf, Paul.

Not exactly the US Masters.

Will you have a go, Paul?

Oh, no.

It's great fun, isn't it, Dougal.

- Yes, Ted, fantastic. - Have a go.

- No, no. - Go on.

It's even easier now that the windmill is not in the way.

Here you go.

Give it a real go.

What's the worst thing can happen?

[thunder clap]

Oh, God, Dougal, it's all my fault.

Don't be silly, Ted.

So what did you do, pray for him to be hit by lightning?

No, of course not.

I asked him to intervene in some way.

But this is a bit much.

What were you thinking of?

Who'd have thought that being hit by lightning

would land in hospital.

What?

What?

What are you talking about?

Of course, it can land you in hospital.

Well, it's not usually serious, is it, Ted?

I mean, I was hit by lightning a few times.

I never had to go to hospital.

Yes, Dougal, but you're different from most people.

All that happened to you was balloons kept sticking to you.

God, I hate hospitals.

Did you ever notice, it's usually sick people

who end up in hospitals?

Ah, yeah, they all come here, Ted.

Of course, you're a goner the minute

you walk in through the door.

You know, I'd prefer to take my chances in the real world, Ted.

You know, no matter how sick I was,

I'd never go under the hammer.

Under the knife, Dougal.

Under the hammer's auctioneering.

Ah, right, yeah.

Do you remember that film, Ted, where your man has his head

transplanted onto a flight.

And the fly's head is transplanted onto the man?

Oh, yes, what was that called?

"Out of Africa," I think.

Anyway, the man has the head of the fly.

And he's chasing his wife all over the place.

And she, you know, she's trying to hide the jam

and everything so as he won't get stuck in it.

and that kind of thing.

I have to stop you there, Dougal.

Yes, Ted?

No reason.

I just have to stop you.

There he is.

Today's emergency.

What is it today, doctor?

We don't know.

I think it's a combination of Babycham and Harpic.

Probably all that was left after the party.

Father Stone's been in there a long time, hasn't he?

You think he's dead?

Probably doing tests.

What sort of tests?

General knowledge?

No.

Won't got much out of him in that condition.

No. No.

Medical tests.

What would he know but that, Ted?

[yelling]

There he goes.

He can move when he wants to.

Stupid bastard, you've really done it this time.

You started, you slag.

The next time I'll finish the job.

I-- ah, Fathers.

Hello, John.

Hello, Mary.

Uh-- hello.

Well, what are you doing here, Father?

Um-- a friend of ours had a bit of an accident.

Oh, dear.

What happened to you?

That looks nasty.

Ah, I'm sure it's nothing, Father.

It's just a headache.

I don't know why I bothered coming really.

Is that blood?

Oh, god, no, no.

I don't think so.

I just got a slight nick with a knife

when Mary was putting the bandage on.

It's not a stab wound.

Sure, he's fine.

You look like you've been in the wars yourself, Mary.

Ah, it's only a sprain, Father.

It's nothing.

I was lifting a bag of coal.

It's not broken.

If it is, sure, what the hell.

I hope your brain gets better.

The next time, I'll frigging make sure--

Shut up, you bitch.

They are a lovely couple, though,

aren't they, John and Mary?

They are all right.

How much longer are they going to be in there?

Ted, we hardly even know him when you think about it.

Does he have much of a family?

Yes.

His parents are alive.

And he has a brother, I think.

A doctor an American.

Doctor, wow.

You wouldn't believe that, would you?

But that used to be quite common, you know.

The favorite son would become a doctor.

And then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.

Your brother is a doctor, isn't he?

Yes.

Ah, doctor, how's the patient.

He's hanging in there.

It's mostly shock--

Great, well that's not serious.

Well, it's quite serious.

A bolt of lightning can do a lot of damage.

Can it?

Yes.

His reactions are very poor at the moment.

He's always been like that.

Very poor reactions.

That's normal for him.

Actually, he's not reacting a toll to any stimulus.

Again, I wouldn't worry about it.

That's always the way.

Look, Father, I'm a doctor.

And I know that it's not normal to fail to react to a stimulus.

I'm sure it is.

Look, look, look, look at this.

You see?

It's a thing with priests.

We have our minds on more spiritual matters.

So I wouldn't worry about it.

Well, no, I think I will worry about it.

Oh, God, OK, can we see him?

I'd like to say a prayer.

Yes, all right, Father, this way.

As you can see, we still haven't been

able to remove the golf club.

Why isn't he in bed?

It's hard to get him into a comfortable position

when he's in that stance.

But you're right, he's been on his feet long enough.

He looks like a trophy.

He does a bit.

I'm sorry, I only just heard--

Paul.

Oh--

Come on, Mrs. Stone, we've got to get him into bed.

Father, would you?

You must be Father Crilly.

Yes, I am.

Oh, God bless you, Father, God bless you--

Ahem.

Oh, Father, this is my husband, Dermot.

Ah, God, Father, it's terrible.

Father, it's terrible.

But forgive me for using the Lord's name in vain,

but Jesus Christ isn't it terrible?

Is it?

Oh, it tis, Father.

It tis, terrible, terrible.

I tell you, I couldn't have said it better me self.

Terrible is the word.

Terrible, I tell you, Father, terrible is too small a word.

Oh,God, God, Father, it's too small a word.

Would you look at what you're doing to your mother,

you lazy little bastard.

You're useless.

Get up.

Now, Mr. Stone--

Oh, now, Father, I'm sorry him causing you all this trouble.

God forgive me for saying this, but wouldn't it be

better if he had been killed.

And herself all upset.

Jesus, Father what you must think of him and us

for bringing him into the world. - Ah, no--

We're going out for a drink. Father.

Will you join me? - No.

I think I should stay here for the moment.

Fair enough then.

See you later, right.

And this is Mummy.

Hello.

[ominous music]

I know what you're up to.

God, you know, Father, Paul thinks the world of you.

Well, indeed he does.

He never stops talking about you.

It's Father Ted says this, Father Ted says that.

He worships your father.

Really.

He comes back from Craggy Island

and he's counting the days until he can go back again.

Literally.

Look.

He has a chart.

And he crosses off the days as they pass by.

And right down at the bottom of the chart, Father,

there's a photograph of yourself.

Oh, God.

And he does paintings, as well, Father.

He did this one for you.

Oh, Lord, [beeping] Oh God.

What is it?

It's his heart.

Do something.

Oh.

Oh.

Dougal.

Dougal-- Dougal.

Mrs. Stone, could you come with me?

I need you to fill out some forms.

Oh, is he going to be all right?

We're doing all we can, but he is quite will.

Just hope for the best, hm.

All right, Doctor.

Come on, Mummy.

[ominous music]

FATHER TED: The old woman, she knows.

She knows it's all my fault.

How would she know that?

They have ways.

Older women are closer to God than we'll ever be.

They get to that age and they don't

need the operator anymore.

They've got the direct line.

She knows all right.

And who could blame her for being angry with me?

It's all my fault. Why did I do it?

Oh, God, please, [sobbing] please.

Bring him back, I never meant you take him away.

No need for the lightning.

You know I didn't mean that.

That was just silly.

Please, God, bring him back and I swear, we'll look after him.

He can stay as long as he wants.

Ah, now, Ted--

Shut up, Dougal.

Please, I swear, I'll look after him for the rest of my days.

Please just do this one thing.

Ah, come on, please, I swear--

Paul, you're back.

Ah, Lord, it's a miracle Doctor.

Paul, can I get you anything at all?

No, I'm fine.

[clock ticking]

[music playing]