Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

Right.

That's Tuesday dealt with.

Let's take a look at Wednesday now.

Half 7 Mass.

I can take that.

And, uh-- maybe--

could you take the 8:00 at all?

Right.

I can take that as well.

Now, um-- the half 6 evening Mass on Sunday.

Evening mass?

Too early. No problem.

I can take that as well.

I'll just make a note.

Morning, Ted.

Morning, Dougal.

Eh, Dougal, there's, eh--

there's some shaving cream, just there.

No there's not, Ted. No.

You're grand.

No, on you.

Oh, where exactly, Ted?

Just there, below your ear.

Here.

Yes, and there's-- there's a bit more.

Gone?

No, there's still just a ti--

Dougal, it's all over the place.

Oh.

God.

How on earth did all that get there?

I didn't even shave this morning.

So what are we doing today, Ted?

Confessions, and Mass, and things like that, I suppose.

Yes, Dougal. Things like that.

It's great being a priest, isn't it, Ted?

God, it's lovely out.

[wind howling]

Oh, wait'll I tell you, Ted.

Fun Land's coming to Craggy Island.

It'll be here Saturday.

Oh, yes.

This is the fairground thing.

Well, I wouldn't have much interest in that type

of thing myself, to be honest.

They've got a Spider Baby.

A what?

A Spider Baby. You know.

It's kind of a freak show thing, you know.

It's got the body of a spider, but it's actually a baby.

How is it a baby?

Does it have a nappy on it or something?

No.

Well, does it have the head of a baby?

Erm-- no.

Well, if it looks like a spider,

and it doesn't actually gurgle at you or anything,

how do you know it's actually a baby?

They keep it in a pram.

Dougal, are you absolutely sure about this?

You're not confusing it with a dream you had or anything?

No, honestly.

I saw it on the news. Honestly.

Oh.

Oh, wait now.

Actually, now that you say it, it was a dream, yeah.

Have you been studying this like I told you?

Oh, I have, Ted. I have.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

But we should go anyway, Ted. Come on.

It'll be great.

Last year I had a go at the horse riding,

and it was just fantastic.

I didn't know you could ride horses.

Well, it wasn't a real horse, Ted, like, eh.

It was this old fella with a saddle on him.

He must've been about 80, you know.

Of course, he couldn't go very fast, like.

You know, I was kind of lashing him

with the whip, and all that.

Couldn't get much of a response out of him, you know?

And, uh-- how long were you up on him?

Oh, I'd say it was about, eh--

about an hour?

So, you were up on an 80-year-old man,

riding him around and whipping him, for 60 minutes.

You realize that image will stay with me

for the rest of my life.

I know, Ted. Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

Come on.

We should go.

No, I don't think I could take the excitement, to be honest.

Suppose I'll just see if there's

anything on the television, so.

INTERVIEWER (ON TELEVISION): What type

of jumper is that on you?

SUBJECT (ON TELEVISION): Well, basically, it's a--

Aagh!

[television exploding]

Maybe I'll just go and study the old diagram.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Father Ted Crilly speaking. - Hello, Father.

Sorry to disturb you.

My name is Terry MacNamee.

I'm producing the program, Faith of Our Fathers,

for Tele Eireann at the moment.

We're Doing a special on priests who work in isolated

communities, and I was wondering if you'd

be interested in talking to us.

Well, that's-- that's very, um--

that's a very exciting.

Faith of Our Fathers is my favorite program, you know.

Well, you were the first person we thought of.

If you are interested, I could come over.

And we could give you a small fee for your trouble.

Well.

I must say, that's-- - Who is that, Ted?

- Uh, no one. - No one?

TERRY MACNAMEE (ON TELEPHONE): Hello.

Father Crilly. - No.

Must be someone, Ted.

Just a moment.

Sorry.

Oh, quick question.

How exactly do you get to Craggy Island, Father?

It doesn't seem to be on any maps.

No, it wouldn't be on any maps, now, Terry.

We're not exactly New York.

No, the best way to find it is generally

to head out from Galway, and go slightly north,

till you see the English boats with the nuclear symbol

on the side.

They go very close to the island when they're dumping

the old glow in the dark.

One thing.

Are there any other priests living there with you?

Our researcher doesn't mention anyone else.

Um-- well--

no.

There's no one else here.

I'll see you on Saturday then.

I'll give you a call when I get there.

Bye.

[phone hangs up]

[sniffing]

[snoring]

[belch]

[music playing]

[rustling]

[rustling]

The ants are back, Ted.

Never turn on the television when Father Jack's asleep.

You know how he is.

But he's always asleep.

Yes, well anyone who's served the church as long as he has

deserves a rest.

(LOUD SNORING)

It's actually quite an honor for us to look after him

in his old age, you know.

(MUMBLING)

Look at him.

Dreaming of past glories, no doubt.

[choir voices]

Girls, (SHARP CLAPPING) pay attention.

We've got a special treat today.

Father Hackett has very kindly volunteered to take you

all for volleyball practice.

You're right, Father.

And he's just reminded me that it's

very warm today, so there'd be no need

for your track suit tops.

[choir voices]

Hello.

Father Dougal Maguire here.

And welcome to this week's Top of the Pops.

And in at number 45 this week is father Ted Crilly,

with I've Got the Power.

And, at number 15, for the 16th week in a row,

is father Jack Hackett, with I Am a Sleepy Priest.

How did that gobshite get on the television?

Ah, is the television broken again, Father?

Yes, we had a little trouble with--

Never you mind.

There's nothing wrong with it that can't

be fixed with a bit of you know what in the head department.

Now then.

Who's for tea?

Me, please, Mrs. Doyle.

Tea!

Feck.

I'm fine, Mrs. Doyle.

You won't have a cup?

Ah, no thanks, Mrs. Doyle. Honestly, I won't have a cup.

Are you Are you sure now?

It's hot. - No, I'm not in the mood.

Thanks.

All right, so.

Ah, go on.

Would you not have a drop? - No, thanks anyway, Mrs. Doyle.

- Just a little cup. - I'm fine.

- Ah, go on. - No, really.

I'll tell you what, Father. I'll pour a cup for you anyway.

Seriously. Agh!

Then you can have it if you want.

Now-- and what do you say to a cup?

Feck off, cup!

He loves his cup of tea.

Feck off!

There you go.

Feck off!

[cup breaking]

Father Crilly, I nearly forgot.

There was a phone call earlier from a Terry MacNamee.

Ah, right.

Who's that, Ted?

I've never heard of him.

I think he's something to do with--

eh-- wasn't it the television?

Yes, he's coming to fix the television.

Well, he'll be here tomorrow at 12.

Grand.

[button clicking]

It's good you called someone, Ted.

It's still not working.

(SINGING) You're simply the best.

Do-do, do-do.

Better than all the rest.

Do-do, do, do-do.

God, Ted, you frightened the life out of me, there.

You're, uh, doing the old pop star thing there, Dougal.

I was, Ted, yeah.

It was great being on television today.

I think I've caught the old telly bug.

Go on to bed now and get some sleep.

You don't want to get overtired.

Did you ever Did you ever want to get

into television yourself, Ted?

Ah, no.

I-- I wouldn't be interested in that kind of thing, really.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't think you'd be much good at it, actually.

What?

Why not?

Well, you know.

You're a bit serious, aren't you?

And your eyes are a bit crossed.

Yeah, they're a bit wonky, Ted.

You know the cameras can pick that up, you know.

I am not cross-eyed, Dougal.

Ah, you're a bit now, Ted.

Sure, half the time I don't know if you're

talking to me or Father Jack.

Dougal, Why don't you just get some sleep.

Right.

Just have to say the old prayers.

Our father who art in heaven,

Hallowed.

Hallowed be thy--

Name.

Papa, don't preach.

Dougal.

You know, you can praise God with sleep.

Can you, Ted?

Yes, it's a way of thanking him for a tiring day.

God.

There's lots of ways you can praise God isn't there, Ted?

Like that time you told me to praise him by,

you know, just leaving the room.

That was a good one, yes.

Ted.

Hm?

Ted.

Yes.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Father Dougal Maguire.

Good night, Dougal.

[music playing]

FATHER TED: I can hear you a bit better now.

That's-- that's-- yeah. Sure.

Sure. Yeah.

You made it then.

I think so.

There's no indication that it is Craggy Island.

There's no signs or anything.

Is there a man looking at you with a t-shirt saying,

I Shot JR?

Actually, there is.

Ah, you're here, so.

What?

The line is very bad, Father.

You're a bit muffled.

I'm on a portable phone.

You-- you caught me by surprise when you phoned me, you know.

I'm on the toilet.

Right.

So, eh-- so where can we meet?

Anywhere we can get a few good shots?

Any local landmarks?

No.

What?

No, there are no landmarks here, now, Terry.

None at all?

No.

No, the island itself is a kind of landmark really.

For ships, and that.

The general rule is if you're heading away from it,

you're going in the right direction.

Right. So, uh--

There's the field.

Oh. A field.

Well, that sounds--

Well, it's not a field really.

But it has less rocks in it than most places.

Never mind, Father.

I'll meet you at the field.

Now how do I get there?

Ask Tom, there.

He'll help you out.

Right, Father.

Thanks.

[caw]

[gunshot]

Gone.

[spooky voice]

Holy Mary, Mother of God.

God, Ted.

I'm so sorry.

It was just a joke.

T-- t-- try to avoid doing that again, Dougal.

I thought it was really--

herself.

It's the last thing I need.

You're right there, Ted.

Anyway, it's time for Jack's walk.

(SHOUTING) Time for your walk, Father Jack.

(MUMBLING AND SNARLING)

Off around the cliffs.

Can I bring him to Fun Land, Ted?

He'd love that.

No, he wouldn't.

Take him around the cliffs.

And this time, if you're going near the edge,

put on the brakes.

He was only just lucky the last time.

Um, you're not coming yourself?

Ah, no.

I-- I think I'll stay here and pray for awhile.

Oh.

What are you after, Ted?

I'm not after anything, Dougal.

It's not unknown for members of the clergy

to pray from time to time.

Here we are, Father Crilly.

Take it away!

Oh, there's nothing Father Hackett likes more than to get

out and about in the fresh air.

Get away!

[chattering]

That's it.

Now.

[yelling]

[chattering]

Oh, now.

That's it now. In you go.

Isn't that better.

Good man.

This will keep you nice and warm.

[smack]

[dramatic music playing]

[father jack yelling]

Bye, then.

Every single day, the same thing.

Ah, once he's out there, he has a great time.

He loves the old cliffs.

Well, I'll be off then, Father.

What are you up to yourself?

Oh, I think I'll just stay here

and have a bit of an old pray.

All right, so.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

[theme music playing fast]

MAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER): Penitents are reminded that parking

facilities are unavailable.

That's a-- a reminder of the unavailability

of parking facilities.

I didn't know this bloody thing was on here.

Hello, Father.

Hello, Tom.

The Tele Eireann lads.

Did you get them here all right?

I did, yeah.

They went to film a bit of the island first.

They'll be back soon.

Right, so.

I'll just wait in the field, so.

Father.

Yes, Tom.

- I've killed a man. - Did you, Tom?

I'll, uh-- I'll have to talk to you about that later.

I'm doing an interview for the television.

MAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER): A little boy has been lost--

FUN LAND WORKER: Keep your hands on the sides!

MAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER): The child has now been found.

Big, fat, smelly cow.

You have a face like a pair o' tits.

Well, at least that's one pair between us.

Hello, Mary.

Ah, hello, Father.

Hello, John.

Would you have a packet of Toffos, Father?

No, thanks.

I have to meet someone now.

Actually, I'm going to be interviewed

for a television program. - Oh.

Really?

Oh, that's fantastic.

You know, Father.

I think you'd be brilliant on television.

Well, thank you.

Oh, I'd say you'll be more than a match for [inaudible]

or Terry Wogan, or any of them.

I think it will take me a few weeks to get to their level.

I have to go now.

I'm trying to track down this film unit.

And they'll probably want to do a few close-ups

of master shots, and noddies, and that sort of thing.

Don't want to be late on set.

Get a repetition as a sort of Marilyn Monroe type.

See you soon.

Father Ted.

Get them feckin' crunchies out of the car.

[guitar and banjo playing]

Ted!

Ted! Over here, Ted!

Come here!

Look at me!

Hey, Ted!

What are you doing here, anyway?

I thought you weren't interested in this type of thing.

You're supposed to be taking Jack for his walk.

Well, um-- uh, the cliffs were closed for today.

How would cliffs be closed, Dougal?

OK, no. It wasn't that.

They were gone.

The cliffs were gone.

How could they just disappear?

- Erosion. - Come on off that.

And straight to the cliffs with you.

Ah, there's just another couple of turns to go, I think.

Woo!

[banjo and guitar playing]

MAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER): Entries are reminded

to keep their hands visible at all times when not

availing of the Fun Fair rides.

Now, you're to go straight home, do you hear?

I don't want to hear any more nonsense.

Everyone else is here.

Dougal, you're a priest.

You're supposed to show some decorum.

- Wish I wasn't a priest. - What?

I wish I wasn't a priest.

Dou-- Jack heard you say that.

Sure, he told me one time he doesn't even believe in God.

Dougal!

[banjo and guitar playing]

Ted.

Ted.

Can I have a go in the Crane of Death, Ted?

- The what? - The Crane of Death.

It's called that because there was a young fella

killed on it last year. Come on, Ted.

Look.

I am sick and tired of your--

Ted, look!

There's a fortune teller. Come on.

We'll have one go in there.

Don't waste your money on that stuff, Dougal.

Ah, Ted. Ah, Ted.

You never know. There might be something in it.

It's rubbish.

How could anybody believe any of that sort of nonsense?

Come on, Ted.

It's no more peculiar than that stuff we learned

in the seminary, you know.

Heaven and hell and everlasting life,

and all that type of thing.

You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted.

Dougal, you are so too meant to take it seriously.

- Are ya? - Yes.

What?

Heaven and hell and everlasting life?

Yes, of course.

Look, Dougal.

I'll let you go in.

Will you go home straight after that?

I will, I will. I promise, Ted.

All right.

[beads clacking into each other]

Hello.

- Let's go, Ted. - What's wrong?

- I'm scared. - Oh, for pity's sake.

Look. I'll do it, and you can watch.

Hello there. - Sit.

Oh. Right.

First you must cross my palm with my silver.

Silver?

I don't carry huge bags of it around, you know.

Give me a pound.

Now, I'll interpret one card at a time, please.

Be careful.

[dramatic music playing]

I wasn't concentrating.

Perhaps I could pick another?

No, no.

This is a common misunderstanding.

The grim reaper doesn't mean death in the literal sense.

Rather, it may mean the death of an old way of life,

and the beginning of a new one.

I know what that is.

It's probably about a new lamp I'm getting for my bicycle.

Another card, please.

[dramatic music playing]

Is that-- good?

Well, uh-- it will become clear at the next card.

[dramatic music playing]

This is really weird.

There's only supposed to be one in each pack.

Hello, Tom.

Is Father Crilly around yet? - He is, yeah.

He's in there.

God, that's a nasty scar you've got there, Tom.

Where did you get that?

I was uh--

in an argument.

Oh.

I hope you won.

I certainly did.

But that's nothing.

I've had worse than that.

Would you believe me own dad did that to me.

Doesn't it look like a face?

Quick. Father Jack.

You'll have to get him home.

It's nearly five and time for his drink.

You go that way and I'll go this way.

OK.

MAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER): Will Sioban

please report to the refreshment tent to reheat the hamburgers.

Come on, now, Father.

We'd better be off.

Come on.

Father!

Father!

There you are, Father.

We got here at last.

Father.

Father.

Dead to the world.

You don't know what's going on.

Gin!

Vodka! - It's time for your drink.

Come on.

Gin and pint.

[yelling]

Are you not from-- from--

from the television?

Well, yes.

We'll just ask you a few questions.

What-- am I going to be on the telly?

Well, yes.

We'll start off with a history of the island.

Then move on to how life has changed for

the islanders, economically and socially--

[hoe-down music playing]

Father, how would you say the people's religious beliefs here

on Craggy Island have been affected

by the advent of television and greater access

to the media in general?

- God, no. - Drink!

They're talking to Dougal.

Drink!

I've got to think of something.

Drink!

[yelling]

[choir voices singing]

There I am. It's me!

Look!

I'm on the telly!

So, God.

Does he really exist?

I mean, who knows?

I don't know.

I mean, personally, I don't even believe in organized religion.

[moaning]

I know.

It's great, isn't it?

Spider Baby.

It's got the body of a spider but the mind of a baby.

[louder moaning]

It wouldn't really bite ya.

Unless it got a bit older.

[moaning]

I know.

I can't believe it either.

I'm on the television.

[moaning]

It's that gobshite again!

He's never off the air.

[theme music playing]

MAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER): A child has been eh--

lodged in the Tunnel of Goats.

If they could-- if we could have a nurse, please, to the Tunnel

of Goats.

Thank you.

A goat and a child have now become lodged together--

eh-- and a nurse has become involved

in the-- in the incident.

And another nurse is required to release the uh-- nurse

we asked for previously.

Thank you.