Original subtitles

♪ If you could only see me ♪

♪ Through the eyes of love ♪

♪ A look so soft and dreamy ♪

♪ Fills the eyes of love ♪

♪ Being something special ♪

♪ To a special someone ♪

♪ Darling, once it glimmers ♪

♪ You can't hide it from one ♪

♪ That glance that says, hello. love ♪

♪ And the lids have closed ♪

♪ For you have let me know love ♪

♪ And it shows, it shows ♪

♪ And I am counting kisses ♪

♪ Instead of counting sheep ♪

♪ How sad the eyes of love ♪

♪ Are fast asleep ♪

♪ How sad the eyes of love ♪

♪ Are fast asleep ♪

- Good morning.

- Yes. May I help you?

- Jonathan Linus. You know where he is?

- Mr. Linus' foursome teed off at eight o'clock.

If you'd care to wait.

- Thanks.

- Marco.

-Yes. Mrs. Linus.

- Way to go, Sam.

- You'll all concede that, won't you? Sam?

- Sure. Pallister. - Richard?

- Whatever you say.

- Jonathan?

- I'll concede that, Pallister.

You'll concede that. won't you. Pallister?

- Huh, I won't concede a damn thing.

Pretend you're back in the Eastern Open.

Go ahead. Work for it.

- You all go on ahead. I see an old friend.

- All right, we'll wait for you on the tee.

Richard. Sam.

- Long time.

- Hey, you don't have to shake hands with me.

They're not watching.

- How did you know where to find me?

- Are you kidding, Johnny?

I keep a scrapbook on you.

I even know what you eat for breakfast.

- What do you want?

- A job. assistant pro,

a hundred and a quarter a week, room and board.

- No chance.

- We'll see.

- Huh. Takes all kinds.

- I wouldn't expect a hunk of the action on the lessons

or the sale of clubs.

I know that all goes to Tommy Del Gaddo.

The grapevine says he's still pro here.

- Maybe I oughta call the head groundskeeper.

Fascinating guy. Zealous.

Used to be a linebacker for the Chicago Bears,

but they dropped him for unnecessary roughness.

- He better be able to guarantee amnesia.

- You registered your complaint at the time.

I've got a jaw that still hurts when it rains.

- This is a different world. Johnny.

The cardinal sin here is making waves.

- Jonathan!

Come on!

- I get the job or I make waves.

One more wrinkle, Johnny.

I need a thousand dollars in advance. certified check.

The name these days is Banning, B-A-N.

As in what happened to me? - Jonathan!

- If you shoot me in the back,

I'll know we haven't got a deal.

- Well, Wally, you got the ladies again. Sorry, buddy.

Frank. you take the Ellis foursome.

- You're the head starter.

- That's right. Patton. Chris Patton.

- Mike Banning.

Can you tell me where the assistant pro's quarters are?

- Well. we don't have an assistant.

- You do now. Where do I store my gear?

- In the. ah. locker room next to the men's bar.

- Thanks.

- Billy. - Yeah?

- Take over for me. - Sure. Chris.

- What have I been doing it for?

Well now why have I been playing nursemaid

for the last two years?

Tell me why, Mr. Del Gaddo.

- You have true cause for feeling betrayed, son. True cause.

- All the times I've covered for you!

The bottles of booze I snuck in here

in the middle of the night. and for what?

So I could end up being the world's oldest living kid?

I could understand if you had gone to them

and they overruled you, but you didn't open your mouth.

- You haven't made one statement isn't absolutely justified.

- Well now. do you deny telling me, promising me

that if they give you an assistant pro, I'd be it?

- Son, you're talking about cause and effect

in the outside world.

We're not living in the outside world,

living on Mount Olympus.

And there's only one God and one demigod.

Mr. Pallister Young and Mr. Jonathan Linus.

And they pick the music

and the rest of us just run around.

Half men and half goats.

And that's long and the short of it.

- Tommy.

Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. (chuckles)

You'll excuse us. won't you?

- Well, I'm not quite dried out yet, Mr. Linus. I...

- Tommy. you're as dried out as you'll ever be.

Oh. I'm sorry about the promise. kid.

Um, I'm great at making 'em.

But I'm lousy at keeping 'em. (laughs)

- Chris. you. ah, still wanna be the assistant pro?

- No. thanks.

I've had that carrot dangled in front of me long enough.

I quit. - Chris.

Any man lucky enough to be hired by this club doesn't quit.

But there are three cardinal sins for which he can be fired.

- Well now, Mr. Linus.

If you're telling me you've had complaints,

I don't believe you. - No, no. no.

No complaints.

Not from the members or their wives.

You have an eye for the quiet ones.

But Mike Banning doesn't have your vision, Chris.

Plus Mike, he likes to gamble and the booze.

You'll be sharing your quarters with him.

- What you want is a governance.

- Huh, I want an intensive care nurse

around the clock.

Mike Banning's a moral diabetic.

Turning him loose in a place like this is like

locking him up in a candy store.

- Well. you hired him. what...

You want me to help him get sick?

- It's what you want that counts. Chris.

You wanna be the assistant pro.

There is one monumental difference

between Tommy Del Gaddo and me.

When I make a promise. I can keep it.

- Difficult game to master.

- Have we met?

- No. we haven't. Do you think it really matters?

- Are you a member of this club?

- No, I'm not.

- Then it matters very much.

- Mm-hmm.

Okay. You can rinse now.

- A gentleman to see you. A Mr. Kalliel.

- Just a routine check-up, doc. Only you're the patient.

- I asked you not to come here.

- Sure, doc, but I got a burning sensation

right in my wallet. - Ah. you'll get yours.

I promised. - I know you did,

but your promises are about as good as my teeth,

which is no recommendation.

- I sent you a thousand.

- Ah, it's peanuts. Boobie. That's salted peanuts.

- Look, I've been able to get back to work.

- Yeah, yeah. yeah. - and see some patients.

- Look. Look, look. that's, ah, that's slow pay.

I like the way your friend Banning delivers.

Any man could spring for a thousand,

can spring for a 100K. - Oh no. leave him out.

- Where is he?

- Uh-uh.

- One more time. - I said, no.

(tense orchestral music)

- Doc, you know. (sighs)

A man reaches a point.

He starts checking the obituary to keep tab on his friends.

You got any friends. you. ah,

tell 'em to buy the morning paper.

- He's...

He's at the El Presidente.

It's a very fine club in Arizona.

- Oh. that's like saying that Fort Knox

is a nice little bank in Kentucky.

Hold your breath, doc.

I'll go check your credit.

- I told you it would be this way.

I'd faint at the sight of one new face.

Or if I heard one topic of conversation that was new.

- Mm, that one looks a bit wild for the El Presidente.

- Oh. that's the latest Mrs. Stuart Warren.

Her name's unpronounceable.

Stuart found her someplace in Italy.

- You don't mind?

- If he's wise, he'll cut through all the red tape

and just offer her a candy bar.

- Hey, you're delicious.

You know. it's a pity you weren't born a girl.

- Yes. I've always envied you that.

- Angela.

- Hah! "Saint Moritz was a terrible bore."

Maggie. darling.

- Oh. we missed you in Saint Moritz. It was a terrible bore.

You know my nephew, Chilton?

- How do you do?

- Oh. do you know Wolfgang Mozart.

Y.A. Tittle and Alexander Graham Bell?

- Oh, so nice to know you.

Well, ah, goodbye. (chuckles)

- Angela's in particularly vicious form tonight.

Well, haven't you noticed?

- Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking for your father.

We gotta play poker.

- My father?

Oh, I thought he was your father.

What a pity he isn't your father, aye, Jonathan?

Well then you wouldn't need me at all.

What do they call that? Eliminating the middleman.

- That's what they call it.

- Thank you.

- Hello?

Yeah, speaking.

Hello, doc.

Did you get the thousand?

What's the problem?

Or do you always call long distance to acknowledge payments?

- Kalliel came in to see me today.

- I was wrong. The thousand didn't cool him.

Not for one minute.

- Oh. that's beautiful. doc.

It's the dirty version of musical chairs.

I'm in hoc to you, you're in hoc to him.

You give him my IOUs to cover your gambling debts

and now we're both under the gun.

I know your hands are shaking. doc.

I don't have to see them. Sleep tight.

- Hi.

Have enough room for all your gear, Mr. Banning?

- Chris. you don't have to call me Mr. Banning.

- Okay, Mike.

Listen. you're cramped for space.

You can use these bottom two drawers.

Just throw my stuff in the bedroom.

I bet it's been a long time since you've had a roommate.

- One who shaved.

- Anytime you want a drink. just help yourself.

You're missing all the action.

Sort of expected of the employees.

Dance with the airdales, flirt with the mutts.

Release an able-bodied man for duty.

- That's one of the best reasons I can think of

for staying home.

- Well. the mutts are few and far between.

It's really the other way around.

And I've got a book on all of them.

I could even tell you the ones that talk in their sleep.

- Look. kid.

I'm kind of old-fashioned about a marriage like ours.

I really don't expect you it fix me up with girls.

- Sure, Mike.

Well, back to the punch.

- Would you do me a favour. dear?

I can't see to find Domenica. and,

well, she was dancing with Herb Davish a bit ago,

and. ah. perhaps in the little bar.

Would you be a good girl and have a look?

I don't want her to think I'm spying on her.

You understand? - Oh. yes.

Of course. Mr. Warren.

- Let me have the bottle there. will ya. Marco?

Save you some steps.

- If you say so. Mr. Del Gaddo.

- Hello, Tommy.

- You know me?

- Mike Banning. your new assistant.

- Banning.

Well, ah, names don't mean much to me anymore, faces either.

Never forget the way a man

swings and golf club though.

Where you know me from?

- I used to see you on the newsreels.

- You must have been a kid.

- Almost.

Well, ah. excuse me, it's time for my bottle.

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

- You know. It's very ego damaging

to be the one no one bothers to introduce.

I'm Cynthia Linus.

- Mike Banning.

- Drink?

- No thanks.

- Have you known Jonathan Long?

- Not in this incarnation.

- Oh. an old friend.

I didn't know there was such an animal.

Tell me. Mr. Banning,

what was he like when he was little?

- Cynthia.

Introduce us.

- Miss Barr, Angela Barr, Mr. Banning.

- Mr. Banning.

- How do you do?

- Mr. Banning, I have this choice of goodies.

My friends and I are going to a marvellous party later

and we'd love to have you join us.

- Well, thanks. But I work here.

- Well. you needn't be a snob about it.

Or we could all just stay here.

Come to think of it,

the choices all seem to be yours.

- Thanks, but I'll take a rain check.

- You've got it.

- Thank you. That was very ego building.

- My pleasure.

Miss Barr? - Hmm.

- No husband?

- Oh, I'd say Angela's had at least a dozen husbands,

mine included for all I know.

Mr. Banning.

I have been known to dance.

- Mike, you must have thought

I'd fallen off the edge of the world.

Would you excuse us please, Mrs. Linus?

- Please, go ahead.

I'm due at a poker game in the men's bar anyway.

Oh, Daddy always wanted a boy.

- Lady. you're a bundle of surprises.

I didn't even know you knew my name.

let alone my weaknesses.

- The CIA of the El Presidente Country Club employees.

And your weaknesses. Mr. Banning, are fairly obvious.

- Who's aren't?

- Now don't be clinical.

The club doesn't employ you as a psychoanalyst.

- I know one thing they don't employ you as.

- What?

- A tennis pro.

That's a nice tune. - Mm.

- Do you know what it is?

- I ought to. Cappy wrote it for me.

- Hmm. the lady not only does, she inspires.

Tell me, do you have an official title outside of magician?

- Well. what would you call someone who types a little,

takes dictation if it's slowly given, plans parties,

babysits, golf widow sits,

protects the members from themselves.

And sees to it that the employees

and the members stay at arms length?

- Especially if the members are wives

like Mrs. Jonathan Linus.

- Especially.

- I'd call that someone a chaperone at large.

- I'll put it on my letterheads.

Thank you. Excuse me.

- Every party I ever went to,

the chaperones got to step out at least once

during the evening and have a glass of punch.

- We just had it.

- What's that stuff you're drinking called. Pallister?

Old winning streak?

- Hmm.

- Oh. I'll play the same thing.

- Come on. let's play cards.

- Ah. I'll raise a 20.

- Fold.

- Hmm. I'll stay.

I'm in.

- All right. - Okay.

- Goodnight.

- Kings.

Hello, Mike.

- Now I know what to dream about.

- Why dream?

- Aces.

Ooh!

That's what you call liquid assets.

- What do you say. Mike?

- No, thanks. Shooting fish in a barrel.

- What'd you say, young man?

I may drink like a fish. but I'm not one.

You sit down.

Sit down, put your money where your mouth is.

That's an order.

- Let's play cards.

- Ah! - Aw!

- Diamond flush, king high.

- Pallister, these three are diamonds,

those two are hearts.

- Mr. Banning takes it. - Yeah. all red.

- Ah, maybe we better call it a night.

- Jonathan's right, Pallister. - Like hell he is.

Nobody calls it a night but me.

Now leave everything where it is.

Gonna sweeten the pot for all your gutless wonders.

One week's pay.

That's the ante. Now sit down.

Sit down!

Well. don't you get it?

Lose a week's pay, it hurts.

Richard. you make. ah...

- I don't care to have people know my salary. Pallister?

- What difference does it make?

One way or another, I pay the salaries

for all these people at this table.

Right?

I know what I pay you.

You're in for 500.

Senator, your salary's a matter of public record.

Week's pay, 600.

Miles. um, what. what do you make? Ah, Seven, 800 dollars?

- Seven and a half.

- Seven and a half.

Jonathan. ah. no, ah. stock options or bonuses need apply.

Just. ah, straight salary.

Well. are you gonna say it or do I?

- Oh, I'm in for 1500.

And you. let's say. ah. 9,000?

- Uh, let's say that. Yes, huh.

Oh. I forgot you. Banning.

- A hundred and a quarter.

- He, he can't afford not to bet.

- Yes, sir.

A man could win enough to retire

and go north for the winter.

Starting in the summer.

Cards.

- Three.

- Oh hell, ah, I'll keep these.

I can't see which ones to throw away.

- One.

- Three.

- Three.

- Dealer takes one.

- Check.

- Mm.

I'll bet 700, eh. whatever, you, you, you count it.

- 740.

- Stay for 740.

- There's $10 over a thousand.

Plus 125.

- See ya.

- I'll see ya. 270.

- Three aces.

- Hmm.

Afraid, ah, these are all different. ah.

- Just different enough to win. Hmm.

10-high straight.

- I won?

- Mm.

- Ho, ho. ho!

Oh, ho, ho. ho! I won!

- Oh, no. - Come on, Pallister.

- Come on. fight. I...

- Come on. - I didn't know that, I.

- Come on. Richard. get his car.

Come on. - I didn't think that.

I didn't, wait a minute.

Come on.

- They search the wide world over

for the tiniest, tender little tea leaves.

- Now you know something even Jonathan doesn't know.

- Your father could vote himself a hundred thousand dollar

bonus in the morning,

but he'd rather steal 125 from me.

- That's top secret information.

So, what's my reward?

- How about a jolt of orange peako,

bottled in bond, on the rocks?

- Excuse me.

Mr. Linus asked me to tell you

that they're waiting for you.

I'm sorry.

- Carol.

- I'm going to have to change my letterheads.

"Spoiled sport at large."

- That wasn't my idea.

- I believe you. Goodnight.

- Look.

I understand. despite the evidence,

that members are off limits with members

and employees are off limits with members.

But that still leaves employees and employees, doesn't it?

My weakness is still obvious.

- More so. I don't play games. Mr. Banning,

so forget it.

- And if I can't?

- Well then you'll just have to resort to rape.

- No late lessons?

- Nope.

- Three rules for survival at this club.

No lessons after dark. absolutely no house calls,

and take plenty of cold showers.

The only trouble with a cold shower

is it doesn't let off any steam.

Huh, you know, there are a couple places in town

that specialise in just that.

Might not be a bad idea.

Just a suggestion. right?

Nothing wrong with that.

- No, nothing wrong with that suggestion

except it's yours.

- Tell me something. Mike.

How do I break through?

- Break through what?

- The tournament circuit.

Have you been there?

- Not personally, but I've been told.

But my advice to you is forget it.

- Why? I hit a pretty good stick.

- You hit a damn good stick.

I just don't think you want it enough.

- How the hell do you know?

- Because you're here.

- Thank you.

Sorry. sir. but Mr. Banning doesn't seem

to be in his quarters.

Would you care to leave a message?

- No. I wanna surprise him.

I'll be back.

Don't worry.

- 711 Apple Tree Lane.

A split-level ranch house, all the modern appliances

except for an automatic garbage disposal. not allowed.

The sewer line was put in by a crooked contractor.

Retails for about. ah, $200 a month.

Which is a pretty big bill

unless you got a couple of roommates.

Cut tree ways. it's a rent

that a young career girl could live with.

One of your roommates is a legal secretary.

The other one wants to be a model, but in the meantime,

she works in the escrow department of a savings bank.

True or false?

- Well, does one false make it all false?

- Depends on the false.

If I'm wrong about the roommates and you do live alone.

That would be pretty much all right with me.

Do you live alone?

- Not necessarily.

- Ah, well, I find that hard to believe,

but, ah, I'm willing to be convinced.

And luckily I'm free tonight.

- Well, I'm not.

Good night.

- You don't mind going to a lot of trouble.

Do you, Miss Barr?

- I didn't seem to be getting anywhere. Mr. Banning.

I just had to put more men on the job.

Well get in.

Let's take your car to my place.

Having your own private police force isn't as chic

as having your own private army.

That's the price we pay for living in a democracy.

- What if I don't get in?

- I'll have you arrested.

- Some jail.

- Like me?

- Almost as much as you do.

You better not go near any reflecting pools.

You're liable to fall in and drown.

- Ouch.

Get me a drink.

- You get it. You're a big strong man.

- If we're going to play doctor.

let's not play psychiatrist.

There's a switch on the left.

- There's a switch. all right.

- I meant the right.

- You meant the left.

Now I know the house rules.

- Not for you. Mike.

- Aw, good, because if you were gonna sell tickets.

I'd have to get my share of the gate receipts.

- You're greedy. I'm glad.

What do you need?

A romantic fantasy?

All right. one romantic fantasy coming up.

Better?

- Better.

- That's Cappy Sullivan.

He plays at the club.

- Yeah. I know.

- What is it?

Am I coming on too strong?

This is what it's all about. Mike. Boys and girls.

That's all there is.

The rest is nothing.

Is that what you're holding out for. Mike? Nothing?

Wait here.

♪ If you could only see me ♪

♪ Through the eyes of love ♪

♪ A look so soft and dreamy ♪

♪ Fills the eyes of love ♪

♪ Being something special ♪

♪ To a special someone ♪

♪ Darling, once it glimmers ♪

♪ You can't hide it from one ♪

♪ The glance that says, hello. love ♪

♪ And the lids have closed ♪

♪ For you have let me know love ♪

♪ And it shows, it shows ♪

♪ And I am counting kisses ♪

♪ Instead of counting sheep ♪

♪ How sad the eyes of love ♪

♪ Are fast asleep ♪

♪ And I am counting kisses ♪

♪ Instead of counting sheep ♪

♪ How sad the eyes of love ♪

♪ Are fast asleep ♪

- Who is it?

Mike? - Open the door.

- What's the matter?

- I have to see you, Carol.

- I can't see you tonight.

I'm ready for bed.

- I said I have to see you.

- Mike, don't do this.

No!

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

- Thanks.

So you do have a roommate.

- She was almost late for nursery school.

A man on the living room sofa in this house is quite a show.

- I think I owe you a new chain for the front door.

- Well maybe I ought to send the bill to whomever it was

that got you into the mood.

- Let's just say it was an accumulation of things.

- If my nose didn't deceive me,

I would say it was Angela Barr.

That's a very personalised scent that Angela wears.

Springtime in the kennel?

- I wanted you.

- You made that quite clear.

- How old's your little girl?

- Amy's four.

She looks like her father.

- He must be very pretty.

- He's dead.

- I'm sorry.

- Now you know all the salient facts.

Where I work. where I don't play,

why we don't have shows on the living room sofa.

- I was wrong.

You do have an automatic garbage disposal.

- This one's very nervous.

- They're too popular.

They've become inbred like French poodles.

Ah. these things are neurotic.

You gotta humour 'em.

Did you feed this thing a cigarette filter?

Did you?

Huh?

You have to be kinder to this one.

Feed it a bone. Sharpens their teeth.

They love bones. Go ahead.

- I have to get dressed and go to work and so do you.

- I'm your new dentist, Dr. Kalielle.

Oh, yeah. You're due for a check-up.

Hey, what do you wanna bet that I can't put this key

in that lock from here in one try?

- Doc told me he gave you the thousand.

- Patient needs more work. $21.000 more.

You owe it to him.

You were just a skinny kid. hustling caddy jobs.

Playing local tournaments.

He financed you. He got you out on the circuit.

He gave you a shot at the brass ring.

He held your hand. Banning. he's entitled.

10 bucks.

Ah. come on. will ya?

It took me 18 months sitting in a Sing Sing cell,

practising three hours a day to get this trick down.

That's the same kind of talent a guy like you develops.

Out on the golf course.

Come on. A lousy 10 bucks.

- I'm fresh outta money.

- Yeah. it's too bad.

This place is full of marks here.

Excuse me.

It's too bad for doc.

He needs the work done.

He don't get expert attention.

His teeth are gonna fall apart along with the jaw bone.

The whole head.

$5?

- Okay, $5.

- That is $21.005.

You got three weeks.

- I couldn't raise that much money in three weeks

if my life was riding on it.

- It is, kid.

- It'd take me all summer to set up enough marks.

- Who says you gotta knock 'em off one at a time?

You go after one big hole. You set up a Calcutta.

- This club put a lock on Calcuttas back in '61.

- Yeah?

Well I heard there's a law against adultery too.

Maybe that's why it's so unpopular.

- You know, Mr. Young, if you got your stomach down.

You could get your handicap down.

- Ha, ha! I'm very grateful to my stomach.

Keeps my handicap up.

Rub out the green.

No golf game has ever been played

where a few dollars didn't change hands.

And a man with a high handicap say, ah, oh, 17?

Can always find it in him to. ah,

play a little over his head when the price is right.

You're. ah. no stranger to that, are you son. huh?

- Nope.

But I never get tired of hearing the old truths.

- Well. here's me.

Where's you?

- Here's me.

Tough shot.

- Huh. I wish we'd bet on this one.

- Never too late.

- Well, you can hardly see it.

- A hundred and a quarter says I get inside your shot.

If I win, it covers my poker losses. Remember?

- You got a bet. son.

I'll give you something to shoot at.

That couldn't happen again in a million years.

- Nine times out of 10.

I have a fondness for that shot. Mr. Young.

It's one of my specialties.

Like drinking ice tea out of whiskey bottles

is one of yours.

The big difference is anybody can drink ice tea.

One man in 10.000 can do what I can do.

But there's only one man at this club

that can put that specialty to use.

like with a Calcutta.

Think about it.

- What's your handicap. Banning?

Have you registered one with the committee yet?

- I'm a five.

- I, ah, don't believe I care to play

any more golf today. Mr. Banning.

To those of you who are too young

to remember the Calcutta. and to those of you

who can't recall the good old days.

- Yeah!

- The good old days before the PGA and the USPGC

and so many other moral guardians decided

to spoil everybody's fun. - Boo!

- To you, I wanna offer a heartfelt welcome

to the good new day!

- Yay!

- The handicap committee has put together 20

evenly matched teams of golfers

from among the membership and the staff.

- Oh! - Yeah!

So. let's auction them off to the highest bidder.

Team number one, Tom Van Schmidt with a 20 handicap.

- Yay, John!

- And Bob Vincent with a handicap of 8.

- Hiya, Bob. - Hey!

- Yeah. Bob. - Well. your bid?

- A thousand! - A thousand.

Let me hear two. - 2.000!

- 2,000. Do I hear three?

- 3.000. - 3000. do I hear four?

Four? Do I hear four?

- $5,000! - Oh!

- 5.000.5,000 going once,

Twice, gone for 5,000.

- All the money goes into a pot.

The winners split with whoever bought them,

and the two team players split their share 75.25.

75% going to the low score.

- Mm. A lot of money.

- A lot of money.

- Do you need a lot of money?

- Everybody needs a lot of money.

- That wasn't the question.

Do you need a lot of money?

- I need you.

- No. you don't.

You need a lot of money.

- House rules

on these incomparable athletes.

I won't consider an opening bid of less than $2.500.

- $2,500.

- That's the way to go, we keep this up,

we're gonna have a hundred thousand dollar Calcutta!

- Yay!

- Mike. if you really need money,

isn't there some better way of raising it?

- Sure. I could stand under a lamppost with a beaded bag.

- Mike, excuse me. You'd better get down there.

You're up soon. - I'll be there.

- Well. they'd like to see you during the bidding.

- I said I'd be there. Chris. Okay?

- Sure.

- I hit golf balls, Carol.

That's how I make my living.

- Mr. Banning. May I join you?

Ah, well. you're my cue to the party.

I'm bidding for you.

- Without your husband's approval, I assume.

- My husband doesn't approve of this Calcutta

in any way, shape or form.

But I'm not acting for him or for myself.

- How high have you been authorised to go?

- $20,000.

- It can't be.

The El President's own Arnold Palmer

with a spine-tingling handicap of 17,

J. Pallister Young.

- Yay!

It seems I'm in tandem with an infant named Chris Patton.

Chris has a handicap of five.

I won't be able to teach him a thing.

Do I hear $2,500?

Oh, come on. That's a bargain basement price, 2,500.

Chris and I refuse to leave the clubhouse

without a bid of at least 2,000.

All right, you forced me into a conflict of interest.

2.000 once, 2,000 twice.

Sold to J. Pallister Young for $2.000.

- $2,000.

- Next team.

My nephew Richard Tyson with a handicap of 21.

He takes after his uncle.

And his partner. oh. yes.

Our new assistant pro, Mike Banning.

- Good boy. Mike. - Hello, Mike.

- You're really good. - Go ahead, Mike.

- Mike is a handicap of five.

What do I hear for Banning and Tyson?

- $1,000.

- 2,000.

- 3,000. - 3,000.

Do I hear four?

- 5.000.5,000.

5.000 going once. twice.

- $10,000.

- $10.000.

- 12,500.

- 12,500 for Banning and Tyson.

- 15,000.

- Ooh.

- 20. - Thousand.

- 20,000, going once.

Going twice. - Huh, $25,000

- $25.000.

- That's a lotta dough. - Outrageous.

- $25,000.

- $25,000 once.

$25.000 twice.

Sold for $25.000.

- Yay!

- Yo! Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Beautiful. isn't it?

This is really a night place.

Huh. I almost forgotten what it was like.

Maybe I should arrange for you to have more nights off.

Make yourself a drink.

- I won't be staying.

- Hmm.

Been one of those days, huh?

Well contact my lawyers.

Shame, remorse and guilt.

Why'd you get me up here?

Telephone has been invented, you know.

- We had a business arrangement. remember?

Well I'm going out of business.

- You know what happens to income

when you go out of business,

and 711 Apple Tree Lane.

Private school bills,

and $200 a week for a job that should pay 85.

- Well I'll just have to take the loss.

- Who is it, Carol?

Are you ashamed of him?

- What difference does it make?

- The difference is that I know who he is.

I just wanted to hear it from you.

Oh, come on, Carol. He's a big boy.

Should be able to take care of himself.

What are you afraid of?

That I'll kick you both off the payroll?

I was a member of the working class too, you know?

Then I graduated.

I've earned all this including you.

What is it? Are you in love or something?

- Or something.

- You're out of your mind.

You're not going out of business. You're committing suicide.

He's a taker, Carol.

He just takes.

- I know that.

But what am I?

- Come hear. you.

Come here.

I bought you.

That's a good dog.

$25.000.

Did I overpay?

- You got the wholesale price.

- And. ah. just exactly what are you trying to tell me?

- That you're being taken.

Mike Banning's practically a scratch golfer.

He's gonna be playing under a phoney handicap.

And not for you Pallister. but for Angela Barr.

- We're proud of you, Pallister.

- Thank my tax man. It's all deductible.

- Oh.

- His real name is McDermot.

We were in the US Eastern Open together

about five years ago.

But he didn't play the last round.

He came to see me the night before the final 18

and offered to split first-place money

if I'd blow the match.

I reported him. They didn't let him finish.

Matter of fact, they closed the door on him.

Been closed ever since.

- Good evening.

- They did that?

I mean. your word against his?

- Oh. there were others.

He had approached us.

- There was one other.

One other who said he'd been approached.

Tommy Del Gaddo, an old pro studying to be a has-been.

You made the offer.

You were the one that got turned down,

so you did the next best thing.

You went to Del Gaddo and offered a split with him

if he corroborated your accusation.

- May I have a light. Daddy?

- Tommy didn't stand a chance of winning.

(lighter clicking) He wasn't the man to beat.

So he accepted your offer.

And that's the reason the El Presidente wears Del Gaddo

around its neck like an albatross.

You see. you were a very naive young man

when you first married Cynthia.

You made a clean breast of everything.

You unburdened your conscience.

- And I've always been a dutiful daughter.

- Indeed you have, my dear.

And, ah. you've been a rather welcome addition

to my life. Jonathan,

never having had a son of my own.

But, ah, make note of the following, my son.

Your papa doesn't like being taken.

And if it ever gets around...

- It won't, Pallister.

I guarantee that.

- You'd better.

- Penance. Jonathan.

Your time has come.

- Mike.

Ah, I hope you take him. boy.

I always thought you could have.

- I didn't know you remembered me. Tommy.

- Oh. listen.

I'm not very good on faces these days.

But I never forget how man swings a golf club. (chuckles)

Listen. kid. I, I want to tell you what happened.

See. I, I didn't have it anymore.

I. I was choking on every putt.

And nowhere to go. Finito.

I'm sorry.

I am sorry.

I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to kill me. ah.

- I wanted to. Tommy,

but you did it for me.

- Hi.

Hello.

Look at this.

Aw. Isn't it cute?

Oh. Who are you?

I'm Lord Nelson. Hello.

This party needs a dragon and a sword fight.

- I agree. - Oh, really?

- You deny your name is McDermot?

Or that the last time you officially listed

you had a handicap of one?

Hmm?

Committee has the following choices.

We can withdraw you and me as a team tomorrow

or we can lower your handicap.

Withdrawal might lead to talk. Nobody likes that.

- You got it straight.

The name and the number,

but I'll go you one better.

I'll play scratch golf, no handicap.

I'll give up all five shots.

But I wanna know who reported it.

- Our information came from Chris Patton.

- You know what that match tomorrow means to me?

- About as much as getting your job means to me.

- Oh no, kid, more,

because I'm older right now than you'll ever be.

Who told you? - Linus.

Guess he didn't like the odds.

- What do you think your odds are?

- Go to hell. Mike.

- Mike.

Mike.

Will the world come to an end if you don't win tomorrow?

Does it really mean that much?

- No, but staying alive does.

And that's what that $23,000 of that share can do,

keep someone alive.

This isn't the road to your place.

- No.

You must think I'm some kind of a genius

at salary stretching.

Well I'm not.

It isn't mine, but I know where everything is.

That's the bedroom back there.

Or at least it has been every Thursday afternoon

for the past two years.

This place, my house. my job.

Everything comes from Jonathan Linus.

- You must have had your reasons.

- Yes I did.

No apologies, no excuses.

Do you know what I'm thinking right now?

In total truth?

I want you. Mike.

- I've got no promises for you, Carol.

Just an ageing boy with a lot of bad habits.

- I don't care.

I want you now.

- Gentlemen!

Circumstances are these.

Mike Banning's handicap has been reduced

from five to scratch.

Miss Barr. who is the winning bidder

on Banning and Tyson. has no objection.

Chris. ah. Patton. due to. ah, ill health. he's unable play.

So we are asking that he be replaced

by Jonathan Linus, a scratch golfer, same as Banning.

- Oh. no, you can't do that. - Oh. come on.

You can't do that. - Now the alternative.

- No.

- The alternative is to call off the match

and give the reasons to, ah.

Several dozen people out there.

- Oh. - No, can't do that.

Cost 'em.

- Now if anyone has a better idea. I'd be happy to hear it.

If not. let's play golf.

- Let's go.

- Oh. - Beautiful.

- Tyson. I know this is a lot of pressure, competition.

But if you could lay your shot up

to the right of those trees.

- I always compete. Banning, but only with myself.

That's the sole purpose of the game in my opinion.

I'll play the shot my way.

- Oh! - Beautiful.

- Great shot. - Great shot.

can't lose, can I?

If Linus wins. I get you.

- And if I win?

- Well, then all I get is a lot of money.

- Ooh, hey.

- Great shot, great shot! - Oh. you made it!

- Oh. boy!

- Great shot.

- Wow! - Oh. boy!

- Great shot, guy!

- Oh, this is great.

- Come on.

- You'll all concede that, won't you?

Ha. ha!

- Oh!

- Oh! - Oh!

- Ew. Nice shot.

- If you make yours, we tie.

Blow the pot, Johnny.

I'll split the money with ya.

- Oh! - There goes!

- Oh, uh! - What a shot.

- Hooray!

- Great shot.

- Hey! Hey!

- Tyson. I'd like you to do me a favour.

There'll be a man around.

Not the kind you usually see at this club,

looking for me and 21 of the 23.000.

- Mm-hmm. - Give it to him.

And send me the rest when I get a forwarding address.

- All right. - And, ah.

Thanks, Tyson. - Okay.

- Wait a minute.

Don't you want a letter or note or an I owe you?

- I trust him.

Something new around here, an honest man.

You may not recognise him if you've never seen one before.

- Why don't you hang around. Banning?

I'm beginning to think you'd fit right in here.

- So am I. That's why I'm leaving.

- See you later. man.

- Mike.

Weren't you going to say goodbye?

- No.

- I'm glad.

- You'll be all right. Carol.

Linus would lose too much face by firing you

and face is the most important thing to him.

- What is the most important thing to you?

- It used to be not getting involved.

- And now?

- I'm not so sure.

- Well. when you are sure, you let me know.

- You'll be the first.