Original subtitles

Magic.

It has been a part of my son's life

for as long as I can remember.

I swear, he just could never get enough of that stuff.

He was always setting shit on fire,

cutting things in half.

When he was ten, he had my tired ass driving him

to every novelty shop and garage sale

to find whatever little thingamajig

that he could use for a trick.

He even had me buy him a damn rabbit.

Where I come from, we eat them.

Can anyone say rabbit stew?

When he was 15,

he decided to become a magician.

'Cause there's only two things in life he's crazy about.

One is magic and the other, Robin.

Presto!

Stop messing around, Merlin.

I'm not messing around. I'm stuck.

Can you help me out, please? The key's beside Poof.

Just here, over there.

Why do trick handcuffs need a key?

Ouch! Okay, okay, I got it. Okay.

You better figure it out.

You don't want to blow it in the show.

I'm so not ready for this.

Don't say that.

You've wanted this since we were kids.

You always said one day you'd performed in Vegas.

Okay. Let's see.

Am I ready for this?

I guess you're right.

This really never does lie.

- Really? - Yeah.

Let me check.

Will Robin marry Merlin one day?

Okay, no, no. Okay, I doubt that that will happen now

because you're literally going away to college.

Julliard is not just college.

If I'm going to be a dancer, it's where I need to be.

The only time I'll see you is what?

Holidays and summer breaks.

You'll forget about me.

You just... You just...

You just... You put your lips on my...

Why'd you do that?

I could never forget you, Merlin.

Now you got something good to think about.

And try not to lose that key again.

Wait. You got...

You got something on your...

on your... on your...

How did you do that?

Hope you're ready, Merlin.

Time to go. - That's my mom! Go!

You gotta hide. You know how she is.

She's crazy.

Whatchu doing, Son?

Lord, I hope you ain't in there jerking your johnson.

No!

Come on. We'll be late.

We got... I don't want to be late.

What?

What is that?

Robin, is that you on your knees over there?

Get up!

Hi... Yes, ma'am.

Your little narrow ass hiding behind the bed. What the hell?

How did you know?

'Cause it smells like Now and Laters

and ProStyle in here.

Smell like hood rat pudding.

I mean, we weren't doing nothing. I swear.

Oh, honey, I know.

He wouldn't know what to do with a girl anyways,

unless she was in a catalog.

Victoria may have its secrets,

but Merlin, he ain't got none.

- Mom! - Now, look, we got to go.

- Okay. - I don't want to be late.

Okay. Okay. I'm coming.

What's that she said about jerking?

Get your little fresh ass out of my house!

You gotta go. You gotta go.

See, everywhere Merlin went,

Robin went too.

They were ride or die from day one.

So when my son decided to enter the talent show,

there was no doubt who his assistant would be.

Just try to relax, Merlin. Nothing to worry about.

Except the routine.

- Routine. The routine. - Yeah.

The routine... The routine!

Oh, I forgot my extra boxers for the endless ribbon trick.

And that's a whole punch line. - Okay. Wait. Wait.

How about you just use the ones that you have on?

No one will be able to tell the difference.

- You really don't think so? - No.

You're all set. And you guys are going on last

because you had the best audition.

- Really? - Yeah.

Best audition?

Must be talking about us, right?

Ghetto Gangstas in da house!

We ain't just rappers. We gangstas!

Alright, we about that life. We come from the streets.

The streets of Beverly Hills. That's what it must be.

Because there's no ghetto gangsters here honestly.

You guys are straight out of the cul-de-sac.

Wait a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's definitely Armani. - Is that Armani?

Yeah, my dad has the same... yes.

Ah, y'all got tricks!

Man, we oughta smoke this fake-ass clown!

I'm not a clown. Okay, I'm a magician.

And you ain't smoking nobody, honey.

Oh, whatchu gonna do about it, old lady?

Pour some hot coffee on me? Bitch, please.

Oh!

Oh well, since you asked nicely.

Sit your ass down somewhere!

Talking to me crazy like that.

Y'all, come on. Go on.

Look here, baby.

You forget about them dumbasses, okay?

You either go big or you go home, Merlin.

Got that? - Yes, ma'am.

- Go knock them out. - I got you.

All right.

Y'all thirsty? Hmm?

You obviously like your coffee black.

Behold, just an ordinary deck of cards.

Now, watch closely, very intently.

That's my baby.

This is gonna be the most remarkable thing

you've ever seen in your entire life.

Now, I can make them turn into something

that's kind of big, like that.

Whoa!

There's no way he's gonna win.

And with Robin by his side on that stage,

he finally found his passion.

Oh! Oh my God!

I was so proud of him, I damn near pissed myself.

Okay, I did, but I had an extra pair of panties in my purse.

Anyway, he had everyone inside that gym feeling the magic,

except for a few stupid ass haters.

For my last trick, I will be escaping these handcuffs here

before this candle burns this rope

and drops this water balloon over my amazing assistant.

As you guys can see, she is a black woman

who just got her hair done.

So if I screw this up, I'm screwed.

Alrighty, let's get this show on the road.

And... we're lit.

Can you guys actually help me

get this on? - Yeah.

Give it up for the Ghetto Gangsters.

They from the streets. They know what's going on.

They know about some handcuffs.

It's on there, right? It's on there.

Oh, it's on there.

So I know what y'all thinking.

These are impossible to get out of.

I guarantee, he ain't getting out of that.

But that is why they call me the Amazing Merlin!

And, oh, presto!

Presto! Prest...

Presto. - Merlin!

Them fools was so salty

about losing to a magician,

they decided to let the rabbit out of the hat.

Except for my son, it was more like a snake.

It's a good thing Robin had her blindfold on

because some tricks ain't for kids.

Oh, Lord have mercy!

That boy is blessed!

Merlin! - What do you want, Robin?

- What's going on? - I have a situation.

I literally have a situation.

Y'all stop!

Oh my God!

That's a freak show, man. Not a magic show.

It's a clown.

I told you, I am not a clown!

Really? You need to tell your face!

Very funny, little girl.

But I can assure you all, I am not a clown.

I'm a magician. Now watch.

You see this ball here?

Alright, so I'm gonna put it in this hand.

Where'd it go? Where did the ball go?

Yeah, yeah, thank you!

It's in the other hand, dummy!

Now, shut up and make a balloon animal.

A orangutan basically snuck me.

Do you guys know about me and orangutan?

No? Baby, you ever talk about me and orangutan?

Turn her on.

Haha, stupid clown.

Stupid?

Why would you...

So, when he get me in the chokehold,

I can't breathe.

I basically took the orangutan here, right?

Dropped down this left leg.

Right? I drop it down. Took that like that.

When I dropped to here,

I pivoted.

Orangutan on his back. I showed him mercy.

Orangutan obviously didn't want no more.

You guys do know I'm... What is it?

Second degree black belt, baby? Second degree.

You got to be kidding me.

Hey, man.

Get yo ass down! Get down off of that, man!

What are you doing?

- The wig is... - I don't want to hear it.

Tell me, who did I hire? 'Cause you must be confused.

Did I hire Trixie the Clown or Dixie the Clown?

'Cause right now you got your dick all on display.

I'm not actually a clown. I'm a magician.

Okay. Let me try to find some give a fuck.

'Cause I don't care.

I don't care what you are or who you are.

All this flipping and flopping

and your goddamn elephant trunk acting.

You can't do that here, man.

If I wanted my daughter to see that,

I'll take her to the zoo.

But instead she got to look at this now.

Now I turn around, she crying.

Now you got my sweet daughter crying.

She's actually not that sweet.

- What? Boy...

If I take off this watch, you gonna know it's time.

Time to whoop your ass. Is that what you want?

- No, I don't... - You want it off?

Alright, brother, I really apologize.

But I mean, you know how it is.

I mean, it's not a big deal, right?

We all got one. Right?

That's your shot at me?

Hmm?

That's a shot at me and my personal situation?

We don't all have one, brother. Some of us got skipped.

Me, my dad, Earl, Rob.

None of us have it.

If I had one, you think I'd be in his house?

You think I spent this type of money on a house

for my goddamn wife? A Tesla?

If I had a dick that big, you think I'd have to do this?

I'm obviously overcompensating.

So this little thing that you're talking about,

that you bragging about,

it's something that you have.

With that being said, you're done. You're done.

Get your ass up out of here. - I really need this gig.

I said get up out of here! Now! It's coming off.

Get your dick dragging ass up out of here.

Honey, if you don't pick your eyes up,

I'll put them down. God damn!

I'm done with this.

Time to hang up my bag of tricks.

What? You can't quit.

I thought you were gonna take the act to Vegas.

Does it look like I'm ready for Vegas?

Look at me, man.

God, it's just time to give up on the dream.

Bubbles, FX, do you mind? Like I'm serious. Okay?

Ever since I was a kid, there's only one thing in this world

I love more than magic.

And her plane is landing right now.

So I'm gonna go clean up

and I'm gonna tell her how I feel.

Alright. Alright.

Ladies and gentlemen, sounds like we got true love here.

Alright. Alright.

Let's get Trixie to go see his girl!

Go on. Pick all this stuff up. Close the door. Let's go.

So Merlin was ready to give up one passion

to chase after another one.

And after not seeing Robin in years,

he finally planned to speak his truth.

Funny thing about plans.

They don't always go as planned.

Just like I never planned on being pregnant at 23,

but I'm allergic to condoms, y'all.

Okay. I'm gonna get out. I'm gonna change.

Okay. Alright. Alright.

I'll be right back.

I just gotta get something out of the car.

- Robin? - Merlin?

Is that you?

Do you still believe in magic?

Oh my God!

Oh my God! I was trying to surprise you,

but you beat me here!

I was going to change but, yo,

I got something big to tell you.

Well, I have a big surprise too.

What's up, babe? Oh.

Oh.

Who's this clown?

Don't let the clown makeup fool you.

I'm a serious magician. Not a clown.

You having trouble over there, Trix?

Um...

I don't know them. - Oh. Yeah.

Anyways, I'm a Merlin.

Grew up with Robin.

She'd been my girl since back in the day.

Oh, well, I'm Blaze.

And while you were at circus school,

Robin got a new boyfriend. So she's kind of my girl now.

Surprise!

Hold still.

Can I get everybody's attention?

Thank you everyone so much for coming out to see me

and meet Blaze.

Though some of you know him already from his viral videos.

"You just got blazed!"

And now I can finally share the secret

of why I've come back to LA.

I'm a mentor dancer on Hollywood and Grind.

We're so excited. It's a black Dancing with the Stars.

And Blaze is my celebrity dance partner.

Please, everybody go vote for us.

Hi, Verna. How are you? - Excuse me?

- Miss Owen. - Thank you.

Hope you're doing great.

You still smell like Now and Laters and ProStyle, huh?

Hey, girl!

- Hey! - Wow, he looks amazing.

See, I told you everyone would love him.

You really hit the jackpot.

First with the great job and then the hot boyfriend.

Yeah, all 'cause my friend took me to her audition.

- Yeah. - I still can't believe this.

Yeah, you and me both. Yeah.

Remind me why I did that again? It was crazy.

You know I'm just playing with you.

Anyway, he's really fine and funny.

And making bank.

Who wouldn't love that?

Well...

I can think of one person.

That old Humpty Dumpty over there?

Okay, forget the nerdy neighbor and go dance with your star.

Okay, because if you don't, I will.

Okay. I'm gonna go talk to Merlin.

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, everybody. Y'all okay?

Hey! - Hey!

Oh my God, what a wonderful surprise!

Sorry, I didn't tell you about the show, Merlin.

But they wanted me to keep it a secret.

You know, spending all that time with Blaze,

rehearsing and dancing closely,

sometimes stuff just sort of happens.

Yeah, I just don't get what you see in him.

All his jokes are put downs and insults.

I've seen his videos.

- That's just an act. - Really?

Well, he's not that good an actor.

Wow.

Alright. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that, okay?

And I never even told you that I was proud of you for the show.

That's so amazing. Like...

I couldn't imagine dancing in front of all those folks.

You never know.

Yo, look who it is!

It's the magic man.

It's magic. He's goofy.

Hey. Doesn't he look goofy?

I bet you when you take the rabbit out your hat,

the rabbit's like, "Put me back in!"

- Stop. Blaze. - I'm just clowning.

Nah, I'm gonna stop. I'm not gonna clown you anymore

because you already clowned yourself.

Guys, look at this picture. - Stop!

- Do you see it? - Stop.

Blaze. Blaze. Stop.

Okay.

Merlin is so much more than that.

What was that big news you were gonna tell me out front?

Yeah, yeah, drop that scoop, Brodini.

I'm going to Vegas for a magic gig.

- Las Vegas?

Merlin, that's terrific!

Oh my God, this is so unbelievable!

So much to celebrate. - Yeah.

- Who wants to see us dance? - Yeah, let's dance.

Come on, let's make some space, everybody.

You're gonna want to see this.

Now, I knew my boy was lying.

But I also knew that every lie hides a little truth.

Why are they cheering? Is it over?

No. It's only just beginning.

What are you doing?

Oh my God.

I just want to keep dancing, baby.

So with your family watching, all your friends watching

and these cameras watching,

I want to know;

will you marry me?

- What? - Yeah?

Okay. Okay, yes!

And I knew the truth was if he lost Robin,

he'd have to find a way to get the magic back.

The Amazing Merlin!

And presto!

Is it too late for me and Robin?

I figured you'd be here.

Back where it all started.

My baby's first performance.

I'll never forget it.

That day didn't end well for me.

No.

You got a chance to do it over.

You know, mom, it's fine.

Okay, don't worry about me. It's cool.

Boy, I'm worried about me.

When you moving out?

You 24 years old.

I am tired of sneaking men in late at night.

The last one I had there was so loud,

when I let him come in my back door,

I was scared he was gonna wake you up.

We ain't got no back door.

Hmm!

Anyways, it's time for you to move on.

Okay? Follow your dreams.

Okay, no, I get that. But if I leave,

Robin will forget all about me.

And I've always imagined us being together.

Boy, I always thought me and your daddy

would end up being together. But ta-da!

That didn't happen.

Look.

I opened up my Expedia app

and I got you something you needed.

Wait, seriously? That's...

Mom, thanks, but it's a one-way ticket though.

Exactly. 'Cause there's only one way

you're going to do this, Merlin.

Your way.

So he made his flight

and I made his room into a rec room.

'Cause Lord knows I had a few men

I've been waiting to wreck.

Meanwhile, I told Merlin to go find Rita at the Hotel Moxie.

Hey, are you sure this is Hotel Moxie?

This place is supposed to be history.

It is. Ancient history.

Rita is my homegirl

from back when I used to work in Vegas

inside The Cookie Club.

The hottest spot on the strip.

Sadly, it has seen better days and so had Rita.

Only way I leave here is with a fat check or a pine box.

You can tell those vultures

they can kiss Rita's big white juicy ass.

For my glaucoma.

Welcome to the Vagrant Inn, Las Vegas.

How many nights you need?

You know, I'm actually not sure

how long I'll be here.

Well, that makes two of us, honey.

Well, I'm Jason Owens,

but everybody just calls me Merlin.

I'm Verna's son.

I guess she used to work for you years ago.

I'll be damned!

She was one terrific lady and a great waitress.

She stood by me through some tough times

after my daddy passed.

If you are Verna's child,

I got a room for you

and it overlooks the pool.

It ain't much to look at now,

but once upon a time, it sure was something.

This was my daddy's pride and joy

and I ran it for a good 28 years.

Billionaire owners are trying to just take Rita's ass

for less to nothing.

Motherfucker bloodsuckers.

But we do have happy hour every day at six

in the Cookie Club out back.

It's not called the Hotel Moxie anymore.

It's called The Vagina?

Wait, that's...

That sounds cozy.

Is it moist in there?

Okay, Mama, don't.

Are the people there nice,

or is it mostly dicks?

You tell me.

Does it smell funny in there?

Mom! Really?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, baby.

That was a little too much.

Yeah, whatever. I mean,

I got some auditions tomorrow,

which is kind of cool,

but I don't know. I feel like I'm wasting my time.

Boy, you been wanting this since you was in diapers,

watching Merlin the Magician cartoons.

Now I know you was full of shit then.

You have to ask yourself; are you full of shit now?

You right.

It's now or never.

Now, never call me with this bullshit again.

You ready for round two? - Uhn-uhn! Uhn-uhn!

Oh, no, you ready for round two.

Stop crying! Stop crying! Shut up.

This is my first audition. I'm really excited.

Just get right into it then.

So Merlin took his first step

to becoming a real Las Vegas magician.

Unfortunately, his first audition

kind of was like the first time I had sex.

Y'all know what I mean.

Awkward, messy, a little painful.

And for some reason, there was glitter in my ass.

But I digress.

And just like bad sex,

the only way to get good at it is to keep trying

and trying and trying.

And Merlin, well, he wasn't ready to give up yet.

No, no! Shit!

Jesus.

Oh...

It's for my arthritis.

- Don't you mean glaucoma?

What, are you my doctor now?

No, but...

You're a little early for happy hour.

Yeah, well, I just bombed my audition,

so it's gonna take a lot longer than an hour to get me happy.

Yeah, well, you ain't the only one unhappy.

Look at this. It's my busiest night

and this damn karaoke machine broke down.

Can I get you anything?

Yeah. Uh, what's the hardest stuff you got?

My private stash.

I get it from the local Paiutes. It's straight firewater.

- Okay. - You ain't ready for that.

But we do have some Crown Royal apple.

How about that?

- Crown Royal apple. - Oh, yeah.

Miss Rita, I am kind of tight for money.

So you know, I got a deck of cards,

so how about you draw for it?

But if you win, I owe you.

But if I win, you owe me.

So pick a card, Miss Rita.

- This is so dumb. - Hmm!

That's a good card. I know it is.

I know it is a good card. Oh, I can't look at it.

I can't look at it. - No, you cannot look it.

Go ahead. Put that thing back in the deck. Anywhere.

That is beautiful, Miss Rita.

That's so good, Miss Rita.

That's so lovely.

Okay. - Testing. Testing.

Was this your card?

This had to be your card, right? - No, it's not my card.

All right, um...

Was that your card? This had to have been.

No. I don't have time for this.

I have a whole group of single ladies coming in.

It's their busiest night in town.

And with no karaoke to keep them eating my wings

and drinking my liquor... - Yeah.

...what am I gonna do for entertainment?

Will you stop playing? I need to make some dough, kid.

Have any ideas? What?

Jesus, what is that?

That's your card, right? That's your card, right?

Wow.

These ladies ain't the magic show type.

But if you keep the bar flowing, I'll pay you 50 bucks.

Cool. This is a nice place you got here.

Nice place? The Cookie Club was famous.

We used to pack the house. Believe it. Once upon a time,

we had the finest male dancing troupe in town.

The Chocolate Chips.

Look, Mr. Face, Mr. Body,

Mr. Slim Sexy, Dr. X.

And the one and only Mr. Big.

It was a goddamn goldmine.

So what happened? Why'd it stop?

Egos. Too much success. They argued all the time.

And then they just split up.

They talked about going back together,

but Mr. Big suffered a big depression

and crashed his car, almost lost his leg.

The Cookie Club was over just like that.

We lost our biggest draw. And when I say big I mean big.

Now why don't you just go get ready?

You got a tough crowd waiting for you.

Miss Rita, you talking about the lonely bunch

of happy hour ladies?

They do not scare me.

Bet you didn't expect flowers!

Now my baby was fearless for sure,

but sometimes, fear is good.

There are things you should be afraid of.

Give him a chance.

This guy sucks! We want karaoke!

- You want karaoke? - Yeah.

You want karaoke? Well, have y'all heard of that one song

about the guy who liked chicken wings with two thumbs

because you know who wrote that? - No.

Who wrote it? It was me! I wrote it 'cause it's me.

Like doing magic for some thirsty hoes

who'd rather be getting drunk or getting laid.

You real feisty. Now you been giving me problems all night.

What you sipping on? 'Cause I'm trying to get loose.

Oh, I'm drinking on that firewater, baby.

- Oh, that firewater? - Yeah.

Firewater? She's sipping on that firewater.

Y'all want to see some entertainment, right?

Give me some firewater. Jesus Christ

Y'all want to see some entertainment? Y'all want it?

We're gonna get some entertainment in the house!

We're gonna get some entertainment! Okay?

This is a disaster.

Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm!

Or like trying his fire-breathing trick

for the first time in front of the Cookie Club's

biggest star of all time.

Luther "Mr. Big" Ellis. - Goddamn.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god, no!

I don't know how to...

It's on my shirt too!

It's on my leg! It's on my leg!

Oh, wait! Wait! Yes!

- Um... - Shake that magic rod, yes!

That's my kind of trick!

Oh!

Good Lord.

Luther, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

We back in business.

Man!

Hello? Hey, Merlin.

Robin. Oh, hey, Robin!

You left without saying goodbye the other day.

Is everything okay with you?

Yeah, yeah, it's amazing.

It's great. It's great.

In fact, I just had my first Vegas gig

and I got a standing ovation.

Wow! Sounds like it was a hot show!

Yep, it was fire, but not as surprising as the party was.

Yeah, I had no idea he was going to propose.

Yeah, um...

I guess you and Blaze will be dancing together

for a long time.

Yeah.

Merlin, there's someone out here I want you to meet.

I actually got to go.

Me too.

Bye.

Wait, so you want me to be a stripper?

A stripper? No, a Chip.

But I can't dance. I'm a magician.

Can't, can't, can't. Ain't no can't in Vegas.

Boy, Vegas, you got to be whatever you got to be to survive.

Them women gave you more tips than you ever made

doing all of that magic bullshit.

That's right. And after you jiggled your jewels tonight,

those horny bitches ran out my highest bar tab in weeks.

You see? Everybody wins.

Rita gets to pay her bills

and you get more cash for your stash.

Okay, so you want me to go out there alone

and shake my ass for money every night?

Of course not.

You've got Sundays off.

Boy, you ain't gonna be alone.

So, what, you gonna hire more dancers?

Fuck no, we ain't got no money for that.

No, you and The Chips.

The Chips? You haven't talked to The Chips in years.

How are you going to find them?

So my son left LA looking for magic,

but now the one and only Mr. Big

was about to teach him some new tricks.

God dang, man,

I just hope you got AC up in this place.

I'm sweating my balls off out here in this heat.

Ain't no hotter than you lighting your ass on fire.

You're lucky you still got balls.

- Yeah.

How a young kid like you get into magic anyway?

My mom let me try a bunch of different things

and magic was just the best path for me.

Well, every path has a detour. Thank God.

Yeah, no kidding.

I mean, I'm already lying to Robin about my magic working.

Now I gotta fool her about me being a stripper too.

Who is that, Robin?

Robin, who is that, your girlfriend?

No, she's... she's a girl, and...

Okay, well, she's a girl and she's like a friend.

She would be my girlfriend too,

but she's got this stupid fiancé so I'm...

- Oh, she got a fiancé? - Yeah.

- Your girl got a fiancé? - Hm-hmm.

Well, it seems to me the only person that you're fooling

is yourself.

- Whatever, man.

Glad you got a big ding-ding, boy.

All right.

Yeah.

Des. Look at that body. Still in shape!

Baby, I need... No, two more 255 on seven!

Oh, so, I guess the shape you meant was round.

Des?

Luther Ellis? Oh, man!

It's been like 20 years, baby!

You still look good, look at you!

You sure as hell don't!

Oh, I gained a little weight.

I mean, look, just a smidge.

- Des! - What, baby?

This is good living, baby.

And the shirt's too small.

Who's your compadre right here?

- I'm Merlin. - Did you say breakfast?

Who said pancakes?

Well, shit, let's go. Let me wash up.

Shit, you're looking good, baby!

Grits, you a grits guy. I know you like grits.

So, you thinking about putting the band back together, huh?

Do you think he'd be here if he wasn't?

Who the fuck is you?

And are you eating this right here?

Nah.

What about your leg?

My dancing days is over, buddy.

But I got a ringer.

So, Luther done found himself a new Mr. Big, huh?

Yeah, yeah, I guess.

Oh, the boy's talented. So talented.

Well, we had fun back then, man.

Didn't we?

I don't think that group would work out now.

It ain't the group that needs to work out, Des.

Listen, I'm still the same body

underneath all of this, baby.

Well, stop acting like you don't miss it.

I mean, the women, the cheers.

The tips! The tips?

I do. But look, business is booming, baby.

Did you know that Pahrump,

the place you in right now, Pahrump,

is the number one city to kill yourself?

Get me out of here, man.

I'm so God damned bored.

I got you.

Where's the party? Where's the party?

Where's the party at, uh!

That's right!

- I'm in. - All right. Good.

You know where to find the rest of the guys?

Hell no, especially that crotch-stuffing,

no-talking Dr. X.

And you know I don't talk to Slim!

After he took my girl.

Get over it, baby!

Well, I might have Face's number.

He came here last year wanting me

to customize his car for his girls.

My man Tyriq, huh? Still pampering the ladies?

He's pampering, all right.

Quadruplets?

Brother!

A lot has changed since the last time I saw you

with four girls in one bed, but this right here?

I never pictured you settling down.

- Does it look like I settled? - No!

He got you there, Luther.

I mean, yo, your home is beautiful.

- It's not mine, it's my lady's.

When the Chips closed, I applied for every type of job.

I got nothing.

So, I went back to stripping.

I actually did a party here for this rich chick.

Next thing I know, spent the night,

she said I could spend another day, a week,

a month, a year.

Then she just woke up one morning and she said,

"You can stay here as long as you want if we have a baby."

And we started using fertility drugs

and, as you can see, it worked! - No shit!

So, you finally got them to sleep?

Oh, that's a nice pic of you and your girls, man.

Check you out, flexing the guns!

Those are not mine, those are my lady's.

She's a top ranked mixed martial arts fighter.

While she's out there kicking ass,

I'm stuck up in here wiping ass.

Damn, Face, your girl is jacked!

Two-time champ,

and she'd put me in a four-legged oomoplata

if she knew I was two-timing her with the Chips.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You ain't cheating, now.

You dancing.

And it looks like she spends a lot of time out of town, right?

True.

Well, how she going to know?

You think you guys could hook me up with some daycare or something?

- Brother! - Oh, baby, come on!

- Don't wake up the babies. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

Look, do you got any idea

how the hell we could find the rest of the guys?

Dr. X is a mystery to me.

I don't know what happened to his flat ass.

But I do know how you can get to Slim.

And he's a long way from hell.

I see today we got a lot of empty pews

in this church of God.

Oh, you've got to be shitting me.

Because people spent the night partying in the club.

I see a few people missing right now!

Where is Joseph? Where is Corinne?

I don't see Bernadette.

Where's Jimmy? Jimmy!

But couldn't find it in their will or in their soul

or in their presence

to get up and make their way to church

to praise the Lord.

Man, I thought you said he was the sexy one.

That ain't the Slim I used to know.

Church ain't popping!

You mean to tell me the Lord ain't popping?

You think church can't turn up?

Well, they say the Lord will help you find the way...

...but you got to meet the Lord halfway.

Can I get an amen? - Amen!

What's happening in them clubs?

You know what they doing in the club?

Bumping and grinding all over each other!

They're in that club last night. Oh!

They're shaking, they bumping

and they grinding all over each other.

Hey, what's going on in here? This ain't for us!

They teabagging! They teabagging!

You don't get no tea. The Lord ain't in them!

Boom, bang, boom, pow, boom, pow!

Do the washing machine!

Damn, he's still got it!

Bumping and grinding, bumping and grinding,

bumping and grinding all over each other!

So, you fools are really thinking about

putting the Chips back together?

Oh! - Here you go, dear.

Thank you, sweetie.

It's so nice to see you all.

Have a blessed day.

Thank you, sweetie.

Are you out of your God damn mind?

Excuse me, Lord.

But that's got to be the stupidest motherfucking idea

I ever heard in my life!

Oh, it's stupid, is it? It's stupid?

Man, I just saw you do half your old dance moves.

You had these church ladies about to make it rain, baby.

I'm just using my calling

to excite these ladies about the gospel.

That is all.

And also release some pent-up tension I got going on.

Yeah, no offense, Pastor,

but if you get them any more excited,

your church is going to need a champagne room.

Well, if it's sexual tension you mean,

then maybe I need to talk to your wife.

Hey, don't you go near my wife!

Don't you go near my wife.

I done told you about that before.

I done told you! Leave my wife alone.

I need some sugar.

There's some sugar.

Desmond?

Eve!

- Oh my goodness! - Oh, wow!

- Um... - Whoa!

You look...

I grew a beard.

It's a little different for me.

But you look lovely as ever.

Oh, thank you.

So, how are you? - Amazing.

I have a little auto body place out in Pahrump, you know.

Still single, though.

Still haven't found anybody to treat me as well as you did.

That's very sweet.

Listen, Desmond, I need to apologize to you.

- Oh, no, no, no. - No. Please.

For years, I was very judgmental of your work.

And now, in hindsight,

I see how women may enjoy it.

Listen, no need to apologize. As long as you're happy.

- Amos and I are very happy. - Hmm!

We are blessed and he always treats me with the utmost...

Respect!

I would never do anything inappropriate to my wife.

He'd never do anything inappropriate to me.

But after 25 years, things can feel a little too...

Tame! My wife's an angel. I'm a lucky man to have her.

But sometimes you just want to get wild!

...so mild. In private, he's the perfect gentleman.

Too gentle! I just want to go crazy!

You know me!

I'll tell you what's crazy is...

Slim Sexy is now a preacher.

I can't even look at you.

I'll tell you what you can't look at is your feet, big man.

What about you, Reverend Gyrate?

I don't know if you born again or porn again.

- Oh! - Huh?

I don't care what you say. I'm satisfied with who I am.

Are you, big man?

The question is; is your wife?

- Oh Lord. - Hold this.

Hey, come on. I done told you about my wife.

Yo, are you going to do something?

I brought him here to work this shit out.

- Well, it ain't working! Yo! - Keep on calling!

All right, all right, all right.

You all in the Lord's house now.

- Sit your ass down! - Pushing it!

Dignified. You're in the church.

Luther, I don't care how you say it, nothing,

I mean, nothing,

is going to change my mind. I'm good!

- Oh, is that right? - That's right.

Hey, Rita, are you there?

Yes, I am.

Are you fuckers going to help or not?

Now, look here, The Moxie's in trouble and it needs money ASAP.

Now, if you ain't going to do it for us,

then do it for Rita.

Oh, you remember when she found your homeless ass

on the bus stop and made you a Chip.

And Face is already in.

Come on, man, what would Jesus do...

if he was an old ass stripper?

Look, even if I did say yes, you're still down a Chip.

And no one's seen that mask-wearing mute

Dr. X anywhere.

Well, I saw him.

I got lucky and found him on a medical database.

You mean, X became a real doctor?

Plastic surgeon. I just called his office.

He's exactly where you'd expect to find a doctor on a Sunday.

We do have some special gifts, and I want to say--

Rita must have gave us the wrong address,

because the only brothers I see here are the waiters.

And we're going to go ahead now

and give our final award.

I think you know who I'm talking about.

Let's give it up for Dr. Xander Pike.

I know you Harvard men really wanted this,

just like you guys want my wife.

I see you looking, she's mine.

Xander's white?

Thus the mask.

- And the flat ass. - And the small dick.

I'm sure you guys got a lot of questions.

Um, back in the day,

I was trying to get through medical school,

and the Chippendales rejected me because I danced too big.

Saw the Chip auditions.

So, I went to the tanning bed,

shaved my head, got a mask and, bam, Dr. X!

And, bam, you lied about being black.

Did not lie, I never said I was black. You just assumed.

You know what they say when you assume.

Yeah, you make an ass out of you

and some dumbass black strippers.

Doc is out for the reunion.

Why am I out? That was the best time of my life.

I loved being black. Being white is so boring!

Between the food, the music, the dance and the TV shows.

You ever tried to stay awake

to watch an episode of The Crown?

You know what it was like for me?

I couldn't get a job anywhere when the Chips broke up.

Now, you, you're a doctor?

I did get into a top medical school.

I'm sure you got in the top everything.

You know how easy it is to get in

when your name's Alexander and not Tyriq?

I didn't name you that, blame your parents!

Could we at least take a vote? I am an original Chocolate Chip.

No! You was just chocolate dipped.

The conditions have changed.

Okay, you know, you all changed!

All right, Face, look, you got four kids.

Amos is a preacher. - I'm a damn good preacher.

I know, I know. And Des, Des...

I gained a smidgen of weight.

He got a smidgen of weight, exactly.

Look, look, look, it's all or nothing, okay?

You got it? Look, if you down with us,

meet us at the Cookie Club at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow night.

I'll be there 4:45.

Okay, I guess I'm in.

Now, you said you had daycare, so who is it?

Oh, come on, man, you can't expect me

to leave Ella, Della, Bella, and Stella with Rita!

She can't handle all these babies!

Well, let me get this straight.

After I washed all your mankinis

and then I cleaned all the crabs out of the champagne room

that I could handle all you babies,

but I can't handle those babies?

Get the fuck out of here.

- We got it, Luther, we got it. - It's been a minute.

Everybody remember the steps, right?

Here we go. Five, six, seven, eight!

- - So, after two decades,

the Chocolate Chips were finally back on stage

to show Merlin their routines.

Too bad these old motherfuckers couldn't remember them!

- What you doing? - I'm doing...

I can't move that fast, man!

Y'all, get this shit right.

You know how we do this. Set this mother off.

Five, six, seven, eight!

Bring it down, bring it down.

Terrible!

- Come on, man. - The women...

- This is not a Lil Nas X video! - Good God!

Man, do you think they'll ever get it together?

Don't know, kid. Could go either way.

Lot of issues to work through.

Yeah, tell me about it.

No wonder y'all split up with all that drama.

I could see why you're still pissed off

about losing all that money.

I could see why you're so depressed.

Rita tell you that?

Rita don't know shit.

Nobody knows what really went down.

All right!

Let's try it again.

Work for it! Sexy, let's go!

Go on. You don't want it. You don't want success.

I can tell you don't want it.

One, to the right.

To the right, to the left!

Crush again, crush again!

Merlin, I expect more of you.

Bang-bang, or bang-bang bang-bang?

The bang's up, you pop your bangs up too high!

Yeah, he over-banging.

Push it! Push high, push high!

Roll with it, roll with it.

Suck it up. Five, six, seven, eight!

Three... four... go!

Tea bag! Tea bag! Tea bag! Tea bag! Tea bag! Tea bag!

Sexy, that's what you're going to give me?

Shut up!

This is how you make champions, guys!

How do you even eat a salad?

All right, all right.

Now they started looking like the way it used to. Yeah!

Searching for music.

Picking out costumes.

And X pretending to be black.

It's not black, it's caramel.

Well, it looks like shit to me.

This is bullshit, Luther.

Hey, hey, hey, it's a reunion show.

He's supposed to look the way he did before.

What's Des going to do?

Unless you got a time machine, that ain't going to happen.

See, that's a fat joke.

I'm getting tired of these God damned fat jokes!

Matter of fact, you know what? Give me this piece of pie.

Hey, don't you touch that pizza now!

- It's him! - Yo, yo, guys!

I think I found my showcase song,

and it's one of my mom's favorite jams.

- Yo. - Turn it off, kid.

All right, God damn it, enough of this.

No more bitching about X's colour

and no more touching the pizza.

And nobody plays that song!

You know what?

I'm going to work on my wardrobe.

I'm going to go look for a gym.

I almost smacked you with the black hand side.

Don't ever play that song again!

That song you just played was Mr. Big's closing song.

Oh, boy!

Help me, Lord! Help!

Now, Merlin had performed for crowds before,

but never like this.

So, he was nervous about showing his ass, literally.

But with Robin and magic both out of the picture,

he figured he had nothing to lose.

And the only person he could talk to about it

was a man who had lost everything.

Oh, wow!

I know what I'm doing here late

trying to fix this doggone sound system,

but what you doing here so late?

I'm still trying to figure out my solo, okay?

I have no idea what it should be. Luther, I can't do this!

Here you go with that can't again. Ain't no can't in Vegas!

Boy, you good, don't worry about it.

You just have to figure out what your alter-ego is.

Yeah, your special identity!

Find something that's unique to you, that makes you unique.

Okay, well, that's easy for you to say!

It's not like you have to get up here and dance anymore.

- Oh, you think I don't want to? - No!

I would if I could.

But I can't, so that's why they got you!

- All right, well, I didn't mean nothing by that.

I just know you had to stop dancing because of your leg.

Well, it wasn't just my leg that got broke.

But that's, you don't know nothing about that.

We ain't worried about it. Tomorrow is a big night!

Been a while since the Chips danced

in front of a live audience,

so we're going to have a little preview.

Back the fuck up.

Sorry.

You're a doctor! Why don't you just create a bigger cock?

Well, that's why I became one.

Women got a lot of options for body enhancements

and men, we just don't.

But I plan to change that.

- Like, dick implants? - Close.

I know one woman who'd like a little something extra.

I just can't give it to her.

How did we not know this dude was white?

And as my baby looked into the crowd,

he couldn't believe how much his world had changed.

But what the Chips didn't realize

was that the world had changed on them, too.

Oh, shoot!

What's wrong, kid, you nervous? - Yes, man!

There's so many people out there!

It's a small crowd, just work out!

Yeah, so if you mess up, nobody is going to know!

You about to pop your cherry!

You old and stuff, but haven't you all heard of the internet?

They record one mistake, and it's on there forever.

- He's scared!

This is DJ St. Aubyn.

It's been a long time, but guess who's back?

The Chocolate Chips!

- Let's go! - Let's go!

Let's go!

- Let's go! - Let's go!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

Des The Body, Dr. X,

Slim Sexy, The Face,

and Merlin. The Chocolate Chips!

We fucking froze, man!

Ain't nobody said it was going to be easy.

All right, just shake it off!

We looked like fools out there, man!

But that's what tonight is for, right?

To work the kinks out.

Face, you up next, baby. - What?

Man, there's somebody's babies out there, go be they daddy.

- You got it, Face. - Come on, man, come on, baby!

- Give them the Face! - Bring it home, Face.

Ladies, welcome to the stage your new daddy,

The Face.

Face out here trying to be your father figure.

Hey, hey, wait, wait, what?

Is the stripper brushing her hair?

That's kind of weird!

And kind of sexy.

Oh, hell. Dang it, Face,

I didn't literally mean be their daddy.

Uh-oh.

Looks like someone needs a spanking.

Watch out, ladies, he's about to put you in time-out!

Shit!

And even though my son's new path

was drifting away from one of his passions,

Merlin never let his journey

take him too far away from the other,

Robin.

Quick, turn on your TV!

A Different World marathon is on right now.

Remember how your mom would let us watch reruns with her

when we were kids?

You know I'm watching it already!

Dwayne Wayne's about to crash the wedding,

it's about to go down!

I know.

You do know he's the bad guy, right?

Byron was going to be like Obama

and Whitley could have been his Michelle.

Robin, you can't be serious right now.

He's literally saving her.

Whitley is Dwayne's true love.

Yet he waits for the last second to speak up?

He should have left her with Olivia Pope's daddy

and sat down.

Yeah, all right.

All right, it's about to go down.

Whitley, I love you, and if you'll have me,

I want you to be my wife. - What the hell are you doing?

Hey, I'm sorry, Byron, I love her!

Die! Yes, die!

- Let him go, man! - Will you have me, Dwayne,

as your lawfully wedded husband from this day forth,

to have and to hold in richer, for poorer?

Baby, please? Please?

I do!

It's iconic, Robin. It's iconic!

It gets me every time.

See? Dwayne is the true hero.

Nope, still the bad guy.

What if somebody wanted to stop you

from marrying the wrong person?

I'd hope he'd have the courage to do it

before my damn wedding day.

This is real life, not a TV show.

Yeah...

I guess it is a different world.

Is anybody getting married here today?

Oh, hey, hey!

Hey, Slim Sexy. You ready for your big night?

Look, man, I'm not sure.

Look, yesterday, those ladies were way more handsy

than even in our day! - Yes, they were.

They got me pacing back and forth

talking to the Lord right now!

Look, look, I want to help Rita, believe me.

But I love my wife, man. I can't be in no room

playing grab ass with a room full of horny women like that!

- Okay, okay! - I'm missing my birthmark!

Look, put it in your solo.

All right, just pick a song.

Pick a song that tells them what to do.

And, Luther, I'm sorry to interrupt, I'm sorry Slim,

but I asked you about the name,

but you didn't tell me if it was cool yet.

Like, it sounded good in my head,

but I didn't know if it was too much

or if it was too...

- Look. - Nah.

Nah!

I'm a Chip?

You a Chocolate Chip.

You have anything mocha-brown and sugar-sweet?

Good choice. It's the best in town.

Eve!

So, what are you doing here? You're not in Pahrump?

Are you doing some body work here in Vegas?

Yeah, you could say that.

Well, I'm happy to see you.

What are you doing here?

I always stop in here after I drop Amos off

at our sister chapel to teach Bible study.

Hands off, ladies,

Slim's about to take you to church.

Hallelujah.

I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea

the last time we spoke. - No!

Amos and I are fine,

I just think we've lost that spark.

Well, you can always get that back.

You know what they say about a spark;

it doesn't take much to turn into a flame.

Guess that depends on who's lighting it.

Do you like what you see?

Yes, Lord.

I'm talking about the menu, silly.

I was talking about the same thing you were talking about!

It's like we were reading the same menu.

- Exactly. Pie. Menu. - It's weird.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Um...

Um! Um!

Forget church, this is heaven.

Come on, a little cheating ain't so bad. Little bit?

No, I got to watch what I eat.

Look at that big old handsome block of chocolate.

Whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles,

maraschino cherries!

We're going to change your name from Big Des to Big Diabetes!

Yo, we're going to need some more money to cover that body.

Hey, baby.

Ladies.

You all ladies looking good.

You all looking real good out there.

I'm Mr. Big, and it has been 25 years

since we've been on this stage.

And I want to say, it is so good,

it is so good...

...to be back on the strip!

All right, well, without further ado, ladies,

I'm going to give you what you all been waiting for,

Mr. Black Magic!

And abracadabra! Just like that, my Merlin...

I mean, Black Magic,

made all his fears disappear

and kept his fans coming back for more. For real!

Them crazy ladies went lining up every night

hoping to get a look at what my baby had up his sleeve.

Shake your booty!

Oh, that's right, the Chips are back

and they've never been bigger.

Hold on just a second. Yeah, credit card, hold on.

All right, there you go.

But I don't want any threesomes in the bathroom.

The last time you did this,

we needed a spackle knife to take it off.

Hey, Merlin!

Hey, Robin, what's up?

I have something to tell you,

but it sounds super loud there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, well, I'm about to do a show.

Wow, they sure do love magic!

Magic is really big out here.

Show us your dick!

Wait, what was that?

They said, "Show us your tricks!"

I'm a magician.

They're actually calling me now, Robin,

so I'm sorry! We can talk later.

Wait, wait, Merlin...

Okay. Bye, bye.

Bye.

I knew this shit would work. I knew it would work! I knew it.

What's that new move called?

I call it the Apple Pie.

I like that. Yeah.

That's a nice ride.

You working that white man privilege stereotype.

Stereotype? Look who's talking, dude.

You've got four kids and a baby momma.

Says the man that wears blackface.

Never painted my face.

Says the man that wears black ass!

I only do it for the show,

it's not like I walk around town like that.

Dude, there's nothing you could say

to convince me that I'm privileged!

Agreed. There's nothing else to say.

You ever heard of a place called Duke's Diner?

I got some of Eve's receipts.

And I call over there, and they says

she's been having coffee every week with her husband,

but I've never been there before!

Maybe he's a friend.

If there's a male friend who has the audacity

to take his ass over there and sit with my wife

and have coffee every damn week,

he deserves an ass whooping!

Come on, you're overreacting.

Eve wouldn't do you like that, man,

she's not that kind of woman!

I don't know, man.

The romance has cooled.

And it's crazy, because I'm out here

shaking my ass for strangers,

but I can't do it with my own damn wife!

I feel like a damn hypocrite!

I may need to practice what I preach.

Maybe you should preach what you practice.

If you like shaking ass in front of women,

maybe you should do it in front of your wife.

If you don't, somebody else will.

And they ain't going to want no coffee.

That's for damn sure.

They're going to want that pussy.

So, as the Chips blew up again,

word started to spread

and Rita got calls for some big money gigs.

It's going to be worth it.

So, Rita dug up some old ass superhero costumes

and booked Merlin and the guys for a bachelorette party.

All right, everyone!

And while my baby was up there bumping and grinding,

they brought in the bachelorette.

Night Man!

And y'all never going to guess who it was.

Aw, shit, y'all already know!

Robin? Robin, oh sh...

Oh my! Oh, it's so big!

I'm sorry, sir.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

Look, I'm sorry to alarm you, ma'am.

Hey, wait one second, Night Man.

Come on, Gia! All I asked for was spa time, massage,

and to hang with my girls. I mean, what is this?

But we did all that, sweetie!

Now it's time to hang with the guys.

When I mean hang, it's like...

Okay, music, thank you!

- Hi. - Hi.

Wait, where do I put this?

Oh... Um...

It's not like that...

Oh my God, I'm so random!

Wait, what the hell? Gia, what are you doing?

You need to take these off!

No, you two need to get a room.

You guys are a regular dynamic duo.

Okay? All right,

I'm going to lock you in a room until you get laid

or we run out of stripper tips, whoever comes first.

Um, great.

I'm sorry about all that.

So, you have no keys, huh, do you?

I guess it's time for plan B.

Oh, uh-uh! Sorry, we are not having sex, no.

No, no, no, no. I just meant for the cuffs.

For the handcuffs.

Do you happen to have a bobby pin or...

Oh, no. But I know where we can find one.

I just thought you should know Robin just left

with one of these stripper brothas.

Damn, I can't believe she would do me like that!

Yeah, Rob's my girl,

but I would hate to see a good, fine man like you get played.

Good looking, I'm on it.

Of course, B, any time!

You know I am here for you for whatever...

I'm on it, thank you, good looking.

Literally what...

Blaze?

I think we're in this room right over here.

- I'm Night Man! - Right here.

Oh, nice place.

- As soon as Gia said

she was giving me a bachelorette party,

I booked this room.

I'm not into that kind of thing. No offense!

I just don't think it's appropriate

if you already found the right guy.

I see. Um...

But are you sure he's the right guy?

Huh... Yeah!

I mean, he's handsome.

His career is on fire.

And everyone says I'd be crazy not to marry him anyway.

So, yeah.

But are you in love...

...with him?

What? Damn it! I can't do this.

Why don't you just call it off?

Um...

No, the handcuffs. I can't open them.

The handcuffs.

Silly Night Man!

911? There's an emergency.

There's a young innocent woman being taken advantage of

by some strippers in a hotel room.

Did I mention that they're all...

Black?

Yeah.

I'll take one of these. Hold tight, hold tight.

It's not my first time in cuffs.

Right.

Guess that's part of your job.

Nice work. Thank you.

I want them to think they got their money's worth.

Can you stay a while before you go?

- Sure, sure. - Thanks.

- I can give you a hand. - Yeah, I think I need that.

Yeah, okay.

You think Merlin's all right, man?

Oh, he's good, man.

He's probably somewhere butt naked with the bride-to-be!

- He did leave his cape. - I got it!

Why are they searching the cars?

What?

Why are they checking inside the cars?

Can't be for us, right?

We the only brothers out here.

- Dr. X, you better drive. - Why, it's your car?

You're white.

We all know the routine.

We all get in the back and we all hide.

Yeah, but what are we hiding for?

We didn't do anything wrong.

Come on, guys, I'm not scared of the police.

That's 'cause they're not looking for you, Exy.

Right.

Help us out, X. Drive the car.

- I'm just saying. - Son of a bitch!

- What? - It's you!

You're the one who's been going out with my wife!

It's you!

You dropped my fucking cigarette.

No, you backstabbing bastard!

- She likes pie! - Guys, guys, chill out!

It's him! He needs to chill out!

Tell that snake ass right there to chill out!

Somebody going down.

According to your wife, it ain't you!

That's all I'm saying.

What did you say?

I said, "According to your wife..."

God! Jesus Christ, Amos!

I'm going to snatch your beard off your fucking face!

Hello, Officer, what's the problem?

Oh, just looking for some thug male dancers.

You are free to go.

Um, hold on, why did you call them thugs?

Because they fit the description.

Really?

Just some ghetto stripper motherfuckers.

I'll have you know, Officer,

I am one of those ghetto strippers...

motherfucker!

Keystone cop, shit, you got me fucked...

Sorry, I'm sorry!

My name is Dr. Alexander Pike, I work at Memorial Health.

I'm sorry, I'm insured!

I give to the Policeman's Ball every year!

I guess you feel pretty black now.

- Hey, man, I never understood

all this shit you guys go through every day

that I don't have to worry about.

I'm really sorry. - Don't be.

You know what, it's just like you said the first time;

we didn't do anything wrong.

It's just how it is.

You know what?

I got an idea to get us out of here.

All right, do your thing, Baby Jesus.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, where are you going?

- We're good! - What are you doing?

Officer, excuse me, can I speak to you for a minute?

Slim, pray, pray for us, Slim.

We going to jail.

I got a thong on, we going to jail.

- We going to jail, bro. - I got a thong...

- Hey, you four are free to go. - What?

What did you show him in your phone?

I showed him a picture of Bambi,

and then I offered him a free boob job for his wife.

I got to do it for free, but now we're free!

So...

All right, well, hey!

Oh God, oh God!

He's talking to you.

I am privileged! Oh God!

Well, you got the privilege of driving now.

- Yeah. - Least I could do.

Next thing you know,

my son woke up in a strange bed,

unsure where he was,

wearing a mask and some torn leopard panties.

But we all been there, am I right?

Oh, just me?

I'm Night Man. Night Man.

I can't go out there like this.

A stripper in a superhero outfit?

I can't believe you just let them run off.

I didn't know she had another room!

And what's up with security?

When I called, they treated it like it was some big joke.

Okay, well, you do have a prank show, B.

Hold on!

Well, look who has their own room.

So what? I just needed to be alone. I mean...

And... are you?

Alone? - What?

Of course I'm alone, I swear!

Why would you ever think otherwise?

Good morning, guys, welcome to Vegas!

What?

Yo...

Why is the clown in your room?

Magician!

Why are you in my room?

Well, momma said that you were out here,

so I asked the maid to let me in to surprise you!

Okay, then what's up with the outfit, Mervin?

It's Merlin.

And a charity magic show at the hospital.

The kids love The King, so I'm Black Elvis.

Blelvis! - You satisfied?

How is this going to work if we don't have trust, Blaze?

Not cool, Blaze.

That's really not cool, man.

Anyway, if you don't mind,

I just came to take my old friend out on the town.

Yeah, I don't think so, because we got other plans.

Right, baby? We got other plans. - No, not anymore.

I think I'd rather go be with someone who truly knows me.

Okay, it's like that?

It's like that, so I should just...

I should leave then, huh?

All right. Let's go.

- Oh, yeah. Okay. - Let's go.

He's an asshole sometimes.

I know. Yeah, I sense it, I sense it.

Hey, man, that's my sign! Don't worry about the door.

First room service, now a limo. How do you do it?

A magician never reveals his tricks.

Hey, man! Hey, man, that's my suit, that's my car!

Blelvis has left the building!

Drive, drive, sir, please!

So, you said he was the only one

in and out of Robin's room all night?

Whoa, so the clown is the stripper?

Humpty is hung!

And he's playing my girl for a fool.

I better text her.

Wait, wait, wait.

I know a better way

you and I could show her who's the real fool.

So, when can I see your magic show?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, this is actually my week off.

But this trip isn't about me,

it's about you and your bachelorette party.

Not really. This trip is about Blaze.

We came to see Blaze's first comedy show.

He's been blowing up ever since he announced our engagement.

But are you, um...

Are you ready to marry him?

I have to be.

He made a deal

to livestream the wedding online as a big event.

Blaze's dream wedding.

Wait, you're livestreaming your wedding?

Yeah.

That does not sound like your dream wedding!

I pictured your wedding as something smaller,

just people you know and a little less planned.

More free, like you and...

Damn, that does sound like me.

But the publicity helps him, so it's all good.

I just wish he knew me like you do, you know?

For the wedding, he wants me to wear my hair straight.

But I don't know, I'd rather go natural.

He's buying me a Chanel gown, yeah.

But I prefer something simple. He...

He literally wants trap music for our first dance.

I mean, really?

Why don't you just tell him that?

Don't you want him to know?

I want him to want to know. You know?

Like I just try to be positive, one day he will.

How do you do that?

No, seriously, ever since we were kids,

I ain't ever seen you mad.

Why bother?

If I trust you, I can't be mad at you.

And if I don't trust you, why are we even together?

But just as Robin was wondering

if her fiancé really had her back,

turns out it was Merlin who needed to cover his ass.

- There's my Robin. - Hey, babe.

I'm sorry about what happened this morning. I just...

The thought of you being with another man,

it just drives me crazy.

Blaze, don't even trip, man,

we're just friends. - Yeah, no, no,

I wasn't talking about you, Melvin.

I was talking about someone who could be competition.

But listen, my warm-up comic dropped out of my show tomorrow,

and I need a new act.

What?

You want me to be...

Tomorrow, do my magic act?

Yeah. You don't do another act, do you?

- No, man, of course not! - So, you're free?

- I'm all free, man, thank you! - I appreciate you, bro.

I want to catch up with my girl, but bring your A-game tomorrow.

No problem, Mr. Blaze, sir.

I'll be there early, too.

Congrats. Congrats, Merlin!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yo, can I get some of this Bulleit bourbon, please?

Man!

Thank you.

Um!

Okay, you heard Merlin.

This is a huge shot for him

that could lead to a lot of really big things.

And it could also be the end of the Chips.

So, I say, fellas, we go out there tonight,

perform like it's our last show.

Hey, let's go out with a bang, guys.

Bang, bang! - Bang!

Wait, guys, so... Where's Luther at?

Honestly, he wasn't too happy when he heard

that the Chips might be breaking up again.

Oh, look, guys, let's wrap this up,

because I got a private show with a lady.

Oh!

Okay, all right!

Let me get the room, okay?

All right, guess we better go.

Mr. X here a lot of time to put on that spray tan.

Nope, not anymore. I threw all that stuff out.

From now on, I'm 100 % me.

What about stuffing your crotch?

Okay, 95 %.

I've got to keep the schlong, man.

Got to keep a big schlong, you know?

Get out of here, man!

- Dr. X! - Yeah.

Get them, kid. Oh, man!

Put on something sexy, a little...

...thong-thong.

Wow, this should be a good night.

We ought to dim these lights, give it the right setting.

Cookie Club!

Going to miss the guys being together.

Cookie Club in pink.

Back at it again.

Some things never change.

Know what'd be a good color to put this in?

Black and blue. - Black and blue?

Yeah, uh-huh.

What's up with that, huh?

You think I'm a bitch or something?

You think I'm going to sit here while you seduce my wife?

You think that's going to happen, Playboy?

First of all, I wasn't trying to seduce your wife, okay?

I set up your solo

so she could see you dance.

She... loves you, okay?

Tired, ain't you?

I want you to share the spirit that you have

with these other women with your wife, man!

When I was choking you...

did you feel anything?

No.

Boop!

Desmond, I came as you asked,

but I think you got the wrong impression.

I love my husband very, very much.

And your husband loves you.

Amos, what...

Do you work here?

Yeah.

We've been helping Rita out with the hotel.

But the truth is,

a part of me was gone and I had to find it.

Look, now, I know you're upset, but I needed an outlet.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm not upset at what you're doing!

I'm upset at who you're doing it for.

It should be me.

I didn't think that's what you wanted.

You're a virtuous woman, Eve.

I ain't a nun!

All you had to do was ask.

Whatever it is you've been looking for,

you can share it with me!

So...

...what do we do now?

I said, "Share it with me, damn it!"

- Oh. - Oh.

I just happen to have an opening.

DJ, how about a little something?

I got you, Slim!

Oh...

Oh!

Come on!

Oh, oh!

Pray for me.

That's a good thing you did, Des.

Yeah, I guess I'm just a regular old saint.

Good looking out for me, too. I see you called my wife.

Come on, give me some big brown sugar!

I didn't call your wife.

Listen, it doesn't matter who she came for.

All that matters is who she's going home with.

Now, go out there and give her a reason to want to go home.

Easy for you guys to say, you both got brown sugar!

Come on, this brown sugar, white sugar, it's just sugar!

I'm about to put her in a diabetic coma!

Ladies, I hope you all are ready for some white chocolate!

Go, white boy, go, white boy, go!

Guess whose credit score just went up?

Uh-uh, girls, put your money back in your purses.

That there is my man!

All right, all right, all right.

Now a man with something big in front of him.

No, not that. I'm talking about his future.

Yes, coming to the stage for his final performance

with the Chocolate Chips...

Jesus!

Mister...

Mr. Black Magic.

Shake those jewels, baby, the crown jewels!

Oh, God!

Go, Mr. Black Magic, go! Go, Mr. Black Magic, go!

Go, Mr. Black Magic, go!

So, as my baby gave his last dance

with the Chocolate Chips,

it was clear that he had finally learned

how to do things his way.

Like I've been telling him all his life,

you have to decide if you are going to go big or go home.

Shake 'em, shake 'em, shake 'em!

And for Merlin, there was only one choice.

Go big!

Wow!

Haven't been this excited for your show

since I was your assistant.

Yo, me too! Man!

God, I just hope I don't blow it.

Now, Merlin, stop.

You know what I'm going to say. - What?

Clearly you can do this.

You believe me, don't you?

I do.

Oh my fucking... Everything is so unprofessional.

You all, can I have the stage? - Hey, babe.

Babe, I do love you, but I need y'all to leave.

- Okay. - Okay.

- So that I can rehearse. - See you.

Okay, I'll catch you later, babe.

Blaze? Sorry, I know you're kind of busy.

But I just wanted to say thank you again

for looking out for me. - Yeah.

And I just wanted to return the favor

by looking out for you, so listen, okay.

So, about that wedding you're planning.

Robin not feeling it. - She told you that?

How do you know that? - I just know her.

And she's not into all the hype, you know what I mean?

Like, she's all about small and...

- Small. - ...personal at her wedding.

And, dude, about the designer gowns and all that stuff?

She's not really into it, it don't really float her boat.

Go more like, cultural. - Cultural.

Cultural. I'm telling you, it's the move, it's the move.

That's the move. All right.

And she really prefers old school R&B over trap music.

Yeah, good looking out.

Good looking out, I'll keep that in mind.

Finally, my baby's big night.

I even flew my ass in to see Merlin shine.

And he was ready to leave stripper life,

but he still had another big dick to deal with.

What's up, y'all? You all know me.

You just got Blazed, you know me.

Blazed.

Welcome to Blaze's house, y'all.

And when you're in my house, it's all about fun, okay?

So, I have a special treat for you tonight.

A special treat!

I want to introduce you

to start the show off to my main man,

the Amazing Marlow!

Come out here, Marlow.

Did he just call him Marlow? Internet jackass.

His name is Merlin.

Hey, what's up, everybody?

- That's my baby. - Is this thing on?

Okay, so, it's actually the Amazing Merlin.

I'm actually here to perform the art

of presta-digitation!

Hey, whoa, enough with the big words, buddy, okay?

But you're here, yes? - Yeah.

Because you have an impressive gift, yes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's quite impressive.

But let me just tell you a little backstory.

It's always been a big part of me since I was a kid

and it just kind of kept growing as I got older.

Wow, yeah, well, yeah, yeah, that's crazy.

Well, I'm glad that you hung in there.

I've been hanging.

Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, 'cause it's clear to see

that you are the total package.

- That shit ain't funny. - Come on, man.

You're like a natural. Like me.

Like I consider myself like the Michael Jordan of comedy.

Whereas with you, I feel like

you're more of a Magic Johnson!

That's literally what I've been saying.

I've been saying that the whole time!

My mom been telling me that, too!

Your mom told you that? Your mom told you that.

Well, look at the screens.

Like, what do the screens tell you?

That's you, yeah?

That's you, that's you, right? Yeah?

Oh my God.

That's you, right?

It looks like you, so.

You just got Blazed!

Did homie just trip on his third leg?

Lady and gentleman,

it's time for us to suit up. Come on!

Merlin!

You spent that whole night with me and didn't tell me?

I don't believe this!

I think he just did that. I know you're not laughing.

I know you're not laughing, Mr. Narcos.

You know what? You're kind of like a knockoff Narcos.

You probably put baking soda in that shit?

After seeing that video,

I realized that my son had a big secret

he was too afraid to tell me.

But it was hard for me to be mad at him

since I kept a big secret from him too.

Merlin, you know I would never judge you.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was tired of being a big joke.

I just wanted to do things my way.

But you did.

You came to Vegas, you pursued your dreams...

Mom, but it's still just a dream.

Blaze exposed me in front of everybody

like a kid at a talent show and...

The point is; I'm not a magician!

Okay, I'm...

It's just time to wake up.

No, it's not!

You have to see it if you're going to achieve it, baby.

Forget about him, he's a hater.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

I just lost the girl and the job of my dreams.

I can't see nothing good about it.

Hey, kid, you need to get back on that stage

before this fool crash and burn.

You can still save this shit show!

- Wait, for real? - Yeah, come on!

Luther! Um!

Good to see you again, baby.

Verna? God damn, that's you?

How do y'all two know each other?

Well, the truth is me and Luther used to get it in

back in the day until he fucked it all up.

Well, that's because you ran out on me

when you caught me with the waitress.

Look, Verna, you had the flu, it was...

It wasn't the flu, stupid, it was morning sickness!

And don't try to blame me for your cheating ass ways.

Merlin, I have something I need to tell you.

That's your daddy. - What?

Now, I sent you to Rita so that you could find yourself

and potentially find him,

and you guys could meet on your own terms.

This is your son? This is your boy?

That's our son. Happy Father's Day.

You funny, mom, that's...

You're being serious. You're being serious?

Yes. But we don't have time to talk about this right now.

We do have time for it! What the hell?

Can I get a minute to process this?

I mean, I've been with this man for a whole month,

I don't even understand why... - Merlin!

It's time for you to get on stage

and live out your dream.

Now, go and do it your way.

You can cuss me out later.

- My way. - Your way.

Yeah, okay. Okay.

All right.

And make that magic.

Okay.

That's my boy?

That's your son.

Especially from the waist down.

Give Drake his jacket back.

- Hey, hey, what's up? - I know Drake!

No, no, he doesn't know Drake, it's fine.

Hey, I'm about to save the show. I'm going to save the show.

Hey, what's up, guys?

I hope you remember me. I'm the Amazing Merlin.

And I'm going to perform a trick

that I've never performed in my entire life,

and Blaze here is my little assistant, okay?

And basically, I'm going to make him disappear! All right?

So, I actually need your guys' help,

and on the count of three.

One...

two...

three.

Get the fuck out!

Man...

Yeah!

All right, so, now that that's out the way,

I think it's time to get some real magic.

What you all think? You all think that's cool?

All right.

And just like that, my baby performed

his first Vegas magic show.

Meanwhile, outside, Blaze was about to get clowned.

Boim!

Boim!

Boink!

Hey, look, guys, I don't do free handouts.

We don't want your money. We just saw your act.

Let me tell you, it sucked.

I just wanted to come out here and give you a joke.

What did the bowling pin say to the balls?

I don't... I don't know.

Welcome to the club!

That's clown life, baby!

I'm telling you, my baby was a star.

It was a night he always dreamed of.

Everybody was feeling the love!

Well, everybody except Merlin.

Because even though he killed it onstage,

he had lost Robin

and found out who his dad really was

all in one night.

So, the whole thing was kind of bittersweet.

And so, by the next morning, he was just...

bitter!

Let me guess; it's for your migraines?

No, I'm getting high.

I invited the guys here to celebrate.

I'm selling the hotel.

When my buyer saw us packing in that house,

they stopped lowballing me.

I'm going to be a rich old bitch!

That's good, Miss Rita. That's real good.

I'm glad reviving the Chips worked out for you,

because it sure came back to bite me in my ass.

Yeah, I heard what happened. I'm sorry.

But I heard your magic show kicked ass.

I also heard about your little family reunion.

You better go talk to Luther.

You've been around him enough to know that he's a good man.

Yeah, he is.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

Hey, baby, we need to talk.

I know you're hurting, so don't shut me out.

Okay, look...

Don't take it out on your momma, Son.

Oh, so, what, it's Son now?

Okay, whatever you want it to be, kid.

Listen, I'm just saying don't take it out on Verna, all right?

I was wild when we started dancing.

The Chips started blowing up and blew up quick!

I mean, temptation was everywhere.

And I fell all in it.

Your momma, she was, you know... She got hurt and so she left me,

took off to LA I wanted to find her.

I wanted to say, you know, "Verna, give me another chance."

- Yeah, sure you did.

Oh, if I'm lying, I'm dying.

Lookie here.

I even got her a proper ring.

She deserved it,

and I wanted to make up for my past mistakes.

You know, I wrecked my car and my leg, and...

...it took a lot out of me.

I mean, I was young and dumb.

Well, age ain't made you no smarter.

Okay, I'll take that. I'll take that.

But who's being the dumb one now?

Hm?

I know what a mistake it is to lose the right woman.

I just don't want that to happen to you.

So, you think I should chase after Robin?

Well, she ain't chasing after you.

Merlin, there's a girl in the Cookie Club

here for you.

Don't be so sure about that, Pops.

Hey, hey, hey, guys.

Uh, what's up?

Is there like a girl here or something, for me?

Yep, right there.

- Hi, Merlin. - Hey, Gia.

Look, I don't have a lot of time,

but I wanted to say I'm sorry about last night.

I took the video,

but I didn't know what he was up to.

You seem really nice, and I know you care about Robin,

so I felt like you should know...

they're getting married today.

Seems Blaze got it in his head

to surprise her with some resort wedding

away from the strip.

Unless someone wants to speak up.

So, what you going to do, Mr. Magic?

What you going to do? - I don't know, Luther,

I can't stop a wedding by myself.

Can't, can't, boy!

I told you about that word can't!

There's no such thing.

And you're not by yourself.

Your brothers got your back. Boop!

All right, well, thanks, guys,

but it's not like we got invited.

How are we going to get them to let us in?

I wonder; have they hired a pastor yet?

Yeah, it wasn't hard in Vegas.

I'm about to confirm one for Blaze now.

Ah, ah, ah, baby girl! You just found one!

And a security team,

like we used to do for Luther's old routine.

But only if Mr. Big is in.

How about it? Ready to get back on your feet?

Huh? Well, it has been a long time

since I've been out the game, so...

Hell yeah, I'm in! Let's go do what we do.

Please just put that away, okay?

I'm only coming to whatever this surprise is

because I feel bad you got jumped by a motorcycle gang.

I'm still mad at you for what you did to Merlin.

Hey, it wasn't me who lied to you, okay?

Now, trust me, you're going to love this!

Get in. After you. After you, my love, come on.

She's going to love this.

It's going to be great!

Mom, hey, hey, mom. You okay, baby?

I'm riding back to the airport,

but I can turn around if you need me to.

No, it's fine. And you know,

I can't even really talk about that right now.

The guys are waiting for me outside.

But Robin is getting married today...

and look, I'm thinking about trying to stop it.

What the hell, Merlin?

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, right? I know.

Ain't nothing crazy about love.

Hell, I've been feeling a little crazy

after seeing Luther last night.

We all need a little crazy sometimes.

Go get your girl.

I will. Yeah, I will. I will, mom.

I love you. I love you, thank you.

Uh...

Driver. Can you pull over

so I can change clothes?

Close your eyes, though.

You know what?

You ain't got to close your eyes.

So, Merlin texts me the address

and then got ready to go get his girl back

while Blaze had other plans.

But just like I been telling y'all,

plans don't always come true.

Because it was about to pop off!

- Oh my God! - Mm-hmm!

- Blaze, what is this? - Yep. Surprise.

It's your dream wedding, girl, right?

Oh my God!

This is a little more you, you know what I mean?

- Yeah. - It's, like, intimate.

I even had a gown made by a local designer

because I wanted to match your spiritualness...

- Oh my God! - ...and your natural beauty.

Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah, it's...

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Surprise.

Blaze, I never knew you knew me this well.

Oh, I know you. Hell, yeah.

Now all you gotta do is get dressed,

and walk down that aisle

and say those two magic words.

There's the dress. Look at that.

Gia! What are you doing here? I am absolutely shocked!

I need to take a picture of that.

This is beautiful!

Oh, girl, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Let's go, come on.

- Where are we going? - To go get ready.

I'm going to see you later, baby.

- Bye, babe! - Yeah.

Where are we going?

Hey! Where's my suit at?

You sure I look good?

This look good? - You look great.

Okay, um...

I'm going to need some time alone with Robin,

but I can't get to her with Blaze around.

So, look, I'm going to need a distraction.

Listen, boy, the one thing the Chips know how to do

is distract people.

Hell yeah, let's do it! Look at us!

We got on Luther's old outfits.

And Luther's old music.

Yeah, but do we get the old Luther?

Hell, yeah. It's showtime, fellas.

Luther's back!

Let them through, please, okay?

This is the Pastor and the groom's personal security.

Blaze is expecting them.

That's all you have to say. All right, let's go.

Thank you.

- We back. - We back.

You can do this, Robin.

All you have to do is say those two magic words.

It's only magic if it's true.

Merlin? What are you doing here?

Look, I'm stopping you from marrying the wrong guy.

You're about to make a big mistake, Robin.

No, the only mistake I made was believing you.

Here I was doubting Blaze,

but it turns out it's you I can't trust.

You can't trust me?

Meanwhile, Blaze knew me better all along.

I mean, look at this wedding.

No, he didn't.

Where were you, and why are you so hot?

I'm cool, I'm cool! Super cool.

Yeah, but it's about to get hotter.

Well, hello. Hello.

Hey, now. Hey, people.

Who's this guy?

Hold up. Hello, hello.

- He's the pastor. - This the person you hired?

Yes, yeah, no, trust me, he's huge in Vegas.

Hello! Girl...

He does not look like a Pastor.

Yeah, hey.

Good people, we came together today so that we can join

two people who are destined to be together.

That's a love that cannot be denied.

It's a beautiful thing, it's a special thing.

It's a special day.

It's a special day for me, it's a special day for her.

It's a special day for him.

It's a special day for you!

It's a special day for humans!

- Amen! - Amen!

- Yeah!

Yeah, because, you know, make no mistake about it.

I done made some big mistakes, let me tell you.

Let me tell you, I lost the woman

that I cared for the most.

It's terrible when you make a mistake

and you lose your soulmate.

If you got somebody that you love,

hold on to them tight!

Tight!

You understand me? Make sure you...

Make sure you find somebody that got your back.

Yeah.

Because when the chips are down,

the Chips are never out.

So, listen here, good people.

When you find somebody,

and if you're lucky enough to find somebody that loves you,

you better jump on it!

Jump on it!

I told him everything, I told him what you like!

This is me. This wedding is me.

Wait...

Wait, wait, wait. So, you're saying

all of this was your idea? - Yes.

- You told Blaze for me. - Yes, Robin!

So, who am I supposed to marry, you?

Yeah.

It's not a damn TV show. You got to go!

So, I'm the bad guy now?

How can I believe anything you say anymore?

I'm done, like, I'm done with this. No, don't.

Robin, come on.

Robin.

Can you stop? Can you all stop?

Can you all stop? Can you stop this?

Come on, Robin, let me just talk to you!

Son of a bitch!

I don't even mean it like that!

Well, I did mean it like that, but just...

- Robin! - Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, Frank, film this.

I'm about to kick this motherfucker's ass.

Get me in the shot, come on.

I'm going to kick this motherfucker's ass

for crashing my wedding!

You know how it is. You remember?

I got you smiling again.

Why don't you tell her who told you what she wanted?

Man, shut, man, shut up. Get this. Shut up, okay?

No one's going to believe you, because he's a clown, okay?

I'm a clown. Who gives... Yo, I'm a stripper, too.

Hell, I'm even a liar!

But you know what I'm not? I'm not a fake!

You don't love her like I do. - I'm the one she's marrying.

Boy, you got these cameras going all the time.

It's all just one big act!

You about to hear my vows, bro.

Wedding vows? Let me tell you the wedding vows that I wrote.

"Do you, Robin, take me, Merlin...

to be my first kiss?

To make magic with me, to watch old tv shows together?

To always make each other laugh,

to always have each other's backs?"

See, because she is my Whitley.

And I'm in love with her.

I'm in love with you, too, Merlin!

Wait, what did she just say?

- Merlin. - Did you mean it?

Of course.

I love you, Merlin, so much. - Yeah, I know.

And unlike him...

I was going to Blaze her ass at the altar, anyway.

...I know you.

You know?

Will Robin marry Merlin?

I mean, is this what you want, Merlin?

I want a different world.

Do you?

I do.

Wow, those words really are magic.

Well, then...

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

See, just like when I get a massage,

my tale had a happy ending.

Merlin got his girl,

somehow Robin magically got my damn wedding ring

with that little ass diamond,

Luther finally got to be a dad,

and we buried the hatchet.

And by hatchet, I mean his dick in my vagina!

We're going to go ahead

and make you a little sister or brother, okay?

Momma, really?

I got about four eggs left.

I'm going to scramble everything!

So, husband, are you retired now?

From stripping? Yeah, absolutely.

What if I want you to dance for me?

What you mean, like...

I mean, that can be arranged.

Back in the hotel room, later?

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! What if I want it right now?

- Right now? - DJ!

Robin, don't do this to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to bring to the stage right now

Dr. X, Mr. Body, Mr. Face,

Mr. Slim Sexy, Mr. Big,

and the one and only Mr. Black Magic!

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you the Chocolate Chips!

Like I said, Merlin and Robin

have been crazy about each other from day one.

So, while we get our dance on,

it's time to let them get to the best part of the wedding,

the honeymoon!

You all know I meant fucking, right?

So, come on, here's to love.

Here's to the future.

Here's to magic.

Raise your hand if you fought a tiger.

- Bam! - Hit them with it.

- Bam! - Double it up.

Who's talking? Who's talking?

Well, come on in here.

By the time you get in here, I'll be on the stage butt naked.

I heard it.

Good living and good pussy.

Stop messing around, Merlin.

Okay. I'm not messing around! I'm stuck.

Oh, shit. Robin?

Help!

Amen, talk about the Lord!

Get... wrong way!

Cut!

Yo, how do you open this door?

Use your dick.

Earl said, "Well, yeah, I'm not where I should be."

I said, "Don't show me,

but if you could give me an example."

Well, Earl sent me a goddamn cup!

Yeah. So Earl's dealing with a fucking sardine.

Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it.

Huh! Baby, talk about the Lord!

You see these calves? Ladies love them.

Can't get them at the gym.

Literally you can't. They're implants.

Talking, who's talking? I'm talking.

Who's working? I'm working.

It should be two, then slide.

That's what I was trying to tell...

See? Perky, right?

Maybe you need a second opinion.

Jesus, Bambi! Stop having guys put their hands on your tits!

Took that orangutan! Huh!

You wanna come back to the party with me?

Hell, nah. I got plans.

Huh? They want to do all that right there? Huh?

Get the hell up out of my back door!

The fuck do you think this is?

Did we get it right?

All right, all right, all right.

Sit your asses down!

Say it again.

difuze