All language subtitles for the.great.north.s05e10.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab_track3_[eng]

-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

[Aiden] Being a teen is tough.
And me and my friends--

Tom-Michael, Sebastian,
Jason-Anthony,

Calisto and Michaelton--
we have a lot of feelings.

And those feelings
go down better with pancakes.

We're

-the Pancakes
and Feelings Club.
-Hey there, Ham.

Watching the Pancakes
and Feelings Club again?

-Yep.
-How many times

have you watched
that whole series now?

Seven. I love it.

You sure you're okay there, son?

I mean, I know
that Crispin got that new

-boyfriend and all.
-Dad, I'm fine.

I am having a lot of emotions,

but I'm processing,

and I'm doing it
by watching this show

over and over and over and over

and over and over
till I feel better.

Wonderful, son. Keep it up.

Unrelated: Judy, may I see you

in the panic room? [chuckles]

I'm officially
very worried about Ham.

I've never seen him like this.

I've only seen me like this,
and that scares me.

Plus, that boy--
and excuse my language--

stinks to high heaven.

Yeah. I think Ham thought
both he and Crispin

would play the field longer,
and now he's unraveling.

This is not like him.

Ham's always been
so well-adjusted,

-romantically speaking.
-I know.

He's our patron saint of normal.

We have to get him
back on track.

He gives us
other Tobin freaks hope.

It's not helping
that it's February,

Lone Moose's
coldest and cruelest month.

The only thing anyone
has to look forward to

is the Toast Of The Town Toasty
Town Talent-tacular Talent Show,

but that's days away.

And Ham said
he doesn't even want to go

to the T of the T.T.T.T.T.T.S.

-[gasps]
-My own son

said that to my face.

Oof. We need to get his bod
out of that blanket

and back into
the real world, like, now.

Right. I'll think of some
fun outing ideas

for the three of us,
like branch trimming

or bra-- looking at branches.

You know what,
I'll-I'll keep thinking.

Uh-huh. Me too, me too.

[imitates siren]

The "fun-bulance" is on its way.

Hey there, Vera.
Buying stuff to eat?

Stay away from me, freak.

Ha! Classic V.

[Honeybee]
Uh...

-Wolf?
-What's up?

[indistinct whispering]

[whispering] Everyone is
looking at you.

It's him.

Lily, don't look at him.

Look at mommy
like we practiced.

[regular volume]
What the hell is going on?

[Wolf]
Okay, Cheesy C,

you always know all the gossip

from your nights at the bars.

-And mornings at the bar.
-Sustained.

So, why are people
acting so weird to Wolf?

Oh, probably because
there's a rumor going around

that a couple times a week,
Wolf goes to the bait shop,

buys a huge bucket of worms,

then takes them around back
and eats them

with a fork like spaghetti.

What?!
I've never eaten a worm.

I mean, when I was nine,
Justin Norby held me down

and put a caterpillar
on my lips,

but I barely tasted it.

Sorry, bud, but word is
you're tasting 'em now.

Buying 'em, eating 'em,
and then going,

"Mmm, yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum."

Good morning.
Time to rise and shine.

Wham, bam, there's our Ham.

[groans]

Big news, Ham.

I'm letting you
skip school today.

Because we planned
a whole day of fun for you

at all your favorite places.

It's time to get your ass up

and greet the beautiful day.
Okay, never mind.

No, thank you.

I would just like
to continue my process of...

[moans] ...processing.

I'm sorry,
but I have to put my foot down.

You're coming with us.

[moans] Fine.

But I'm bringing my blanket.

And my TV show.

All three of you are welcome.

See, Ham, the father's soul

gets trapped in a heating pad.

-And that's just the beginning.
-Mm.

♪ ♪

♪ In the movies ♪

-♪ In the movies ♪
-Mm.

♪ At hibachi, at hibachi ♪

-♪ At hibachi ♪
-Mm.

-♪ Bouncing on a trampoline. ♪
-[groaning]

You ready, Ham?

I got to say,
it does kind of feel good

to be back
in the laser harness again.

Oh, was that a smile, Ham?

-Maybe.
-[door opens]

[gasps] Oh, no.

Crispin and Sean.

-Uh-uh. Ham, eyes on me.
-[whimpering]

Dad, I just think the only thing
that's gonna cheer him up

is getting him
back on the horse.

You talking about Photon,

-the laser tag photo horse?
-Hi-ho.

No, Ham needs a new boyfriend.

Oh, right.

Can someone please

help me down?
I'm so scared.

When I smell pancakes,

it's like the world is saying,

"Jason-Anthony, I dare you
to have a great day."

I really tried

to get that blanket
off of him this morning,

but he bit my hand.

Oh yeah, he got me, too. Whew.

But no need to worry.

Our plan
to find Ham a boyfriend,

which I've titled
"Hook A Brother Up," is a go.

I'm bringing Ezra from improv

for secret-surprise
game night tonight.

Ezra's desperate for a boyfriend

and compliments
people constantly.

He'll make Ham feel great.
You got your guy lined up?

Yes, my friend
Kit's child Casey.

Kit says his kid is also fresh
off a breakup and looking.

Amazing. After school,
we'll hand Ham a plate

and lead him to the "boy-ffet."

[chuckles]

[Wolf]
Thank you all for coming.

I have convened this meeting of
the Tobin Family Crisis PR Posse

because the town apparently
thinks I eat worms

like some kind of freshwater
trout or tundra swan.

You're not a bird, babe.
Don't ever say that.

Okay.
Step one of the PR plan:

We're gonna slowly
wean you off the worms.

There's a discreet
facility in Ketchikan--

Moon, I don't eat worms.

Someone just
made up a dumb rumor.

-It doesn't matter
if it's true or not.
-And it is not.

The important thing
is to control the narrative.

Get you out there
and show everyone

that you are
unbothered and thriving.

Eh, he's doing fine,
but let's not get carried away.

You got to face this head on.

So, let's all go out
and get dinner.

Shows folks
you've got nothing to hide

and you eat human food, too.

-"Too"?
-Only. Only!

You eat human food only.

Okay. Ezra and Casey
are almost here.

And I already
texted Ham something

that'll get his ass
down here right quick.

Judy, was your text serious?

You found the never-before-aired
waffle episode

of Pancakes and Feelings?
Put it on.

Oh, uh, you know, it actually
disappeared again. But

me and Dad did find
this vintage board game

called Couplin' Up.
Maybe we should all play.

Uh, just us?

-[doorbell rings]
-Huh.

Now, I do wonder
who could that be?

Hi, I'm Ezra.

I love your door.
It goes great with your house.

Hi, Judy.

Your skin is glowing, per usual.

And you are... Ezra's mom?

No, I'm Casey. My dad sent me.

But Casey
is my friend Kit's son.

I'm Kit's daughter,
a 36-year-old lesbian

who is a geologist,
who is a woman.

Well, what's done is done.
Come on in.

Okay. [laughs]
Ham's turn.

[scoffs] Fine.

How would each of you describe
a perfect date with me?

I'm actually gonna head out.

Great answer.
Ezra?

Well, Ham would make
any date great.

He's so smart and handsome.

And his hair is a great length.

-[door opens]
-But, I guess I'd take Ham

-[door closes]
-to the Toasty Town
Talent-tacular

'cause I'd love to show him off.

Wow, did Ezra just win the game?

I think he did.
I'm hitting the Couplin' buzzer.

Looks like Ham has a date
to the Toasty Town Talent Show.

No, Ham does not.

No offense to you Ezra,
but my sister and Dad

are clearly trying to set me up
against my will.

Excuse me.

Wow, he is great
at storming off.

Damn it.

Perhaps that
extremely cheerful gay teen

and adult lesbian woman
weren't the best options.

Then we just got to
find some more.

If we can't take Ham
to the "boy-nanza,"

then let's take
the "boy-nanza" to Ham.

I'm signing Ham up

for an online teen dating site.

What the...

[groans]

You've got to be
flippin' kidding me.

Ugh. This guy looks like

a piece of work.

Huh. All right, Judy and Dad,

you guys want to play a game?

Because I'm about to go
Jigsaw in this bitch.

[Moon]
Here we are,

eating regular dinner,
like Wolf always does.

[loudly]
A toast, to my common husband

and his common appetites.

Excuse me,

your chicken parmesan comes with

complimentary
fettuccini alla vodka.

Ooh!

Oh, my God. Did he order worms?

[whispers]
Babe, don't eat that.

But... complimentary.

-[Honeybee moans]
-[Moon and Dirt chuckle]

Mmm. Oh, this guy
doesn't want to get in there.

Don't call it a guy.

[slurps]
So good.

I can't believe
I get a whole plate

of these pink beauties for free.

Mmm, mmm. Yum, yum, yum.

You got to get down here.
He's doing it live.

[slurping]

Mmm, mmm.

Oh, good lord.

[Wolf]
Welp,

I don't think tonight
convinced anyone

that I do not eat worms.

We'll go out on another
publicity tour tomorrow, hon.

It's hard to kill such
a juicy rumor in a small town.

Thanks, my Rational Rhonda.

Good night.

-Ew!
-What?

Nothing. Night.

Be sure to bundle up today.

-Everything's frozen out there.
-Yep,

pretty sure I heard a squirrel
fall out of a tree and shatter.

I'll go tell Ham to put on
an extra depression blanket.

[Ham]
Wham,

bam, here is Ham!

Ham, you look...
not in a blanket.

I know. And I owe it all
to you and Judy.

Oh.
Oh, are you being sarcastic?

Sarcastic? No.

Me? Ham? Sarcastic? No.

Okay, 'cause you sound
a little overly excited.

Well, that's because
I went on that dating site.

You know, the one
you signed me up for

without asking me.

And I met someone really great.

He's coming over
for dinner tonight.

[gasps]
Oh, that's-that's...

Uh, wonderful, son.

[laughs]
Amazing.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna
go warm up the van.

You guys just take your time,
enjoy your breakfast and, uh,

hey, thank you so much.

Thank you so, so, so, so much.

Well, looks like we were right

to give Ham
a little push after all.

-[bird calls]
-[shattering sounds]

Huh, that one
sounded like a crow. R.I.P.

[Honeybee]
Wow,

it's busy here today.

Well, the mall is one of
the only places to walk around

on cold days like this.

Hi. Hello there.

Thank you for staring.
Good to see you.

[phone rings]

-Hello?
-Hello, Wolf.

I am a secret man,

and I know where
the rumor about you started.

-Cheesecake?
-No, it's not me.

I'm looking right at you.

Oh, hey. Yep, it's me.

Sorry, just having some fun.

Anyway, Mayor Peppers is
the one who started the rumor.

-Who's your source?
-He told me himself.

-What?
-Yeah. Sorry, man.

Hey, can I borrow 40 bucks
for a pretzel?

Judy, I think you'll love Kenzie

'cause he actually has
a musical theater background.

Ooh, maybe we can duet.

[clears throat, vocalizes]

-Aah!
-Kenzie in da house!

Oh. Uh, Kenzie.

[chuckles] Hi.

How did you

get into our home?

Upstairs bathroom window.

My dad works
for a security company,

so I thought I would give you
a free security check.

No charge. And guess what?

You failed.
You're dead. You're dead.

You're dead, dead, dead.

And you're even more dead.

You're all dead.

Oh, wow. Isn't he great?

Oh, yeah.

And to think,
I never would have met him

if it wasn't for you guys.

Kenzie, I'm Ham's dad, Beef.

Sorry I can't touch your hand,
I'm not vaccinated.

-Oh. Against...
-Anything.

I don't want the government
to turn me into a cell phone.

Oh, uh, yeah. That's, uh--

Changing the subject, Ham
mentioned you were in musicals.

You know, I'm also a performer.

Check out this little number
from the last show I did.

♪ Ha'penny, ha'penny, ha'penny ♪

♪ Give me just one,
you have so many ♪

♪ I'm just a boy,
traveling through time ♪

♪ Hey there, brother,
can you spare a ha'dime? ♪

Ooh. Incredible.

Nice. Noice. [chuckles]

Uh, what musical was that from?

[scoffs] You don't know
what show that's from?

[groans] I mean, tell me
you haven't been to New York

without telling me
you haven't been to New York.

I got a little lost there.

Should I tell him
if I've been to New York or not?

Hang on.
I got to vlog real quick.

Pew, pew, pew!
Welcome to the Kenzie-verse.

What's up, little pigs?

You ever go to a house
that smells weird?

Drop a barf emoji
in the comments

if you know
what I'm talking about, fam.

Ugh.

So, why'd you
do me dirty like that,

-Mayor Peppers?
-Well,

Lone Moose gets awfully bleak

around this time of the year,

and sometimes,
I start a rumor in February

to spread a little cheer.

Sure made me smile.

Crazy rumors cheer people up,

gives them a reason
to get out and about

so they can
tell a friend in person

and see the look on their face.

And it got people spending money

at our many
fine local businesses

while they tried to
get a peek at the worm boy.

The Toast Of The Town Toasty
Town Talent-tacular Talent Show

is already sold out,

and I bet people are hoping
Wolf will be there.

Oh, I'll be there,
and I'll prove the rumor

isn't real myself!

Peppers, add me
to tomorrow night's

Toast Of The T.T.T.T.T. Show.

My talent: not eating worms.

Okay, but there's not a lot
of space on the sign-up sheet,

so I'm just gonna write "worms."

Animals, charity work
and cleaning up after myself.

Those are my three
biggest pet peeves.

Mmm... so, Ham.
What exactly drew you

to Kenzie's profile?
I'm so curious.

Oh, well, um,

he's clearly
very handsome, Judy.

And, Kenzie, what'd you like
about our dear Ham?

His, uh, kind nature, or--

He sent me
a bunch of compliments,

and I love hearing that stuff
about myself.

Does anyone want
to give me one now? Jessica?

-Yeah, come on, Jess.
-Um...

Girl, don't be shy. Go.

[clears throat] Uh...

Judy, I, uh, left the dessert
in the panic room.

-Would you--
-Help you carry the dessert in?

Yes, absolutely.

It is so heavy,
because we're having

something called... heavy pie.

[quietly]
Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Judy, is it just me
or is that boy--

He's a full nightmare. [groans]

Ham's obviously
just blinded by his looks.

Yes, Kenzie is like a turd

covered in stunning
wrapping paper.

Look, a relationship just
based on physical attraction

never lasts.

But what if it does?

What if it does?

-Aah!
-Aah!

Everything okay in here?

[regular volume] Uh, yes,
but the heavy pie is missing

so we'll just have the other
dessert that's in the fridge.

Great. We can eat it while
Kenzie does his performance.

His performance, you say?

Yes. Kenzie does
a sport he invented

called
krav maga hip hop explosion.

♪ ♪

Offense. [grunts] Defense.

[grunts]
Offense, offense, defense.

-[grunts]
-[laughs]

[Kenzie grunting]

[whispering] Oh, my God.

Ham, are you pranking us?

What? No. [chuckles]

Ugh. Don't talk.
Now I have to start over.

Oh, good,

I'd love to see the first
35 minutes of that again.

Fresh Prince!

Kenzie! [clears throat]

We need
a quick intermission

because we all... smoke.
Cigars.

And we need to go do that
right now in the panic room.

-Including Ham.
-No, thanks.

You come
smoke a cigar right now

or you are grounded, young man.

Fine, but I'm gonna
use your bathroom

to take a power shower.

It's like a shower,
but I drink the water.

Ham, you didn't by any chance
invite this guy here tonight

to teach me and Dad a lesson

that we should stay
out of your business, did you?

What?
No. God, no.

Wait, you aren't, by any chance,

regretting pushing me
to get out there

because you've suddenly realized

you don't like the outcome,
are you?

What? Definitely not.

We love the outcome.

Oh, okay,

because if you don't like him,
you could just, like,

admit you were wrong
and then I could get rid of him

and go back in my blanket
like I wanted.

No! No.
No blanket.

Kenzie rips.

-Great.
-Great.
-Great.

Well then,
let's get back out there

and enjoy Kenzie, huh?

-[all exclaim]
-Your toilet's clogged.

Oh, Kenzie,
I'm so glad you're here.

I know you are, but what am I?

[Imitates Pee-wee Herman laugh]
Pee-wee Herman.

I have something very serious
I want to ask you.

-Aah!
-Kenzie,

will you be my boyfriend?

Ham, we just met.

But my answer is pew, pew, pew!

Kenzie's World. What's up fam?

I want to introduce you
to my new boyfriend.

And since we're boyfriends now,

we can spend
the whole day together tomorrow.

We'll pick you up
bright and early.

Does that work for everyone?
Judy? Dad?

You'll come along, right?

-Mm-hmm, perfect.
-Yes. I'm thrilled.

-Perfect.
-Cool.

Later, skanks.

[sighs]

Kenzie stole my robe.

Shotgun! I said "shotgun,"

so you have to move.
Hurry up.

♪ ♪

That's CGI.
He's not even a heating pad.

You all believe this?

You're all sheep!

[grunts]
Could you please not?

I'm trying to vlog. Hey, idiots.

Hey, you're jumping wrong.

No, that's wrong.
You're jumping wrong.

I was in Shen Yun.

Only white guy they let in.
Watch this.

-[grunts]
-Aah!

-[screams]
-Aah! Kenzie!

[Kenzie]
Sorry about your face,
Mr. Ham Dad,

but Shen Yun's
not for everybody.

Nope, it's-it's fine,
it's all right.

Oh, snap, it looks crowded.

I'll go bribe the doorman
for good sits.

Somebody give me 80 bucks.

Take my wallet, go.

Thanks. Oh, and my parents
are going to Italy

for a couple weeks.
[groans]

So, I'll be crashing with
you guys for the month, okay?

Dibs on Beef's room.

-Bye.
-[grumbles] Okay, Ham,

-I need to--
-I know, I know, I know!

I know you hate Kenzie!
I also hate Kenzie!

I obviously hate Kenzie!

And I know that you know
that I hate Kenzie

and we all learned
a thing or two,

and now there's
a thing I won't do

and a thing you won't do

-and blah, blah, blah!
-Yes!

We won't try
to set you up anymore

or get you out of the house
or try to make you happy!

We're sorry! We were wrong.

We were worried about you

and we wanted
to make you feel better

so that we'd feel better.

So, upon reflection,
it was more about us.

I just needed to process
my feelings my own way!

You should not have interfered!

Yes, we know, Ham!

We are so far past that now,
it's insane!

[groans]
My choice of revenge mode

was bad, okay?

Because now
Kenzie knows where we live!

Doesn't matter.
We're gonna move.

Unless... Hmm.

Kenzie loves
getting compliments,

and we know someone who loves
giving them even more.

Kenzie, Ezra. Ezra, Kenzie.

Wow, Kenzie, you have
amazing ears. And eyes.

And your hair
is the perfect length.

-I could go on and on.
-You could?

I love the way
you said that just now.

Uh, Juniper, tell your cousin
I broke up with him.

He'll be devastated, but okay.

Must you go to war?

Yes. Goodbye, my love.

That was Santiago
with "Socking Private Ryan."

And now,
Lone Moose's own Wolf Tobin,

showcasing his talent: worms.

No. Not worms.
Not eating worms.

Good evening,
people of Lone Moose.

I know you've all heard
a rumor about me,

but it's very false
and I'm gonna prove it.

I will now demonstrate,
in front of everyone,

that I, Worm Tobin--

I mean, uh, uh, uh, Wolf Tobin,

do not eat worms.

Oh no, here it comes.

No, here it does not come.
See?

I'm holding a worm

like a normal man.

Now, ask yourself,

would a worm eater do this?

-Yes.
-No. Cause, see?

I'm not eating it.

But let's
raise the stakes a little.

What if I dunk it in...

hollandaise sauce?

Lord, why did he bring sauce?

Hollandaise makes
anything delicious,

but not worms. See?

I'm dipping and dangling
a handful of these guys,

and, as you can see,
I am not eating--

Oh! Oh, my God!
It's in my mouth!

Spit it out, Wolf.

I can't, I can't! [groaning]

[gulps]

[Peppers]
And...

that was Wolf Tobin

with his talent
of "not eating worms."

We're having a pretty great
February, huh, folks?

[Aiden]
And in the end, we're all just

different kinds of pancakes

looking for a plate
to call home.

I don't understand
what that boy is saying,

but I do love this show.

Yeah, Blanket Ham
knows what's up.

So, um, Crispin's new boyfriend.

[scoffs] I mean,
he isn't even that cute, right?

Sean?
Oof. No way.

Respectfully, he's dud city.

Yeah. Yeah.
That's what I thought.

♪ Photon the photo horse ♪

♪ He's here to save us all ♪

♪ From the evil Remov-or ♪

♪ Who erases people's
fun memories ♪

♪ The people feel defeated ♪

♪ Remov-or has taken
their quaint memories ♪

♪ And he drinks memories
for his power ♪

♪ But Photon fights him ♪

♪ And takes the memories back ♪

♪ And gives them back
to the people ♪

♪ Photon the photo horse. ♪

Captioning sponsored by
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