Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

♪ O Mother, my mother

♪ Cruel mother country

♪ How sweetly your siren-song sounds o'er the sea

♪ If it weren't for your arms, an orphan I'd be

♪ O Mother, my mother

♪ Cruel mother country. ♪

I've a mind to smash the dead fucker's headstone in,

like they did with Savile's.

I could have been a lion tamer if I took that scholarship.

And I a magician. He's still right, you know, David Copperfield.

Weren't just careers we lost, Carm.

We could have had any man in this town.

Or dog. Gave our whole lives to that calf,

and this is how he thanks us.

We won't hand our legacy over to some undeserving bastard

without a fight.

I'll get psychic Sandra to get hold of him, tear him a new one.

He won't answer! The dead coward.

If Faither thinks he's had the last word by dying,

he's got another think coming.

KNOCK AT DOOR Ooh.

Oh!

Ooh, God.

Ooh. Oh.

Oh! Oh.

Oh! Ooh!

Mm!

Thank you!

Lovely.

PHONE RINGS

OK!

Bye, then!

Pick up, Linda!

Steve's told me you've gone to find a time capsule in a tree...

in a forest of 20 million trees!

Well, he might have fallen for it, but I haven't.

And what's all this shit about a chore ledger?

We're women, Linda. This is what we do.

It's what we've always done.

What makes you so bloody special?

Nothing. That's what.

So stop whingeing and moaning about being a woman, and come home!

The kids said Steve smells already.

Today's show is about men's sense of entitlement

and where it comes from.

I was at a friend's daughter's ninth birthday recently

and we were about to do the cake,

and her little brother came out

with a poo on a plate with nine candles stuck in it.

And his mum, my friend, laughed.

And you know, it got me thinking that we don't have the same levels

of tolerance for little girls' behaviour.

If a little girl came out with a poo on a plate with a candle stuck

in it at her brother's birthday, we would have her psychologically

assessed, as little girls were asked to smile,

be nice, put that pigeon down.

Is it our reluctance to call out the bad behaviour of boys

what leads to their sense of superiority and entitlement?

And is that the root cause of everything that's wrong

in the world? Lines are open... Chemically castrate all boys!

Yeah, you can't keep calling in and saying that, Becky.

Right, line two, Agnes.

There ain't going to be no Eel King at this year's Eel Festival.

We're having a woman instead.

Well!

That's going to ruffle some feathers.

CYNICAL LAUGH

Brian on line three.

I don't understand why you has to have an Eel Queen

when tradition says it's always...

Sorry, Brian. The line seems to be coming out. I can't really...

Shh!

And lastly, one final reminder before I hand over to the Verderer,

Tony's tackle will be out again for my life drawing class tonight.

Great news about the Eel Queen, Verderer.

Not today, Joy. I'm not in the mood.

Joy. Can I?

Yes. All right. Thank you.

SIGHS HEAVILY

Hot flush?

Yeah. I'm on my seventh of the day.

CHUCKLES

Oh, I'm sorry about the bell, by the way.

Shouldn't you just take it off or maybe put a sign up warning people?

No, no. Everyone knows. It's simple.

If we're talking, no walking. Oh.

SIGHS

God. Phew!

Is that...? Tony.

Yeah, Tony. Yeah, I met him in the pub last night.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Really captured the essence of him, haven't they?

I hear the caravans looking pukka. Eh?

News travels fast around here, Linda.

Hey! Coffee?

Yes, please. Yeah, that'd be lovely.

He's sweet.

They. Ryan's nonbinary.

He says it like it is, taking on the wokerati one snowflake

at a time, giving it to you straight and unfiltered...

It's the Verderer.

Good morning. Good morning.

I was going to speak to you about immigration on the show today

and ask you, with the NHS in crisis, isn't the taxpayers' money

better spent dealing with an Englishman's cancer

than an African's aids?

But that will have to wait till tomorrow because today

we are up against it with the feminazis.

That's right. You'll have heard of the Eel Sisters' ridiculous,

frankly, offensive idea of replacing the Eel King with a queen

this Eel Festival. Well, not if I've got anything to do with it,

they won't!

LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY

I'm all for equality of the sexes, you know.

But not if that means men missing out.

The men of this town have got nothing.

Nothing!

And you take away their Eel King,

well, that's the type of thing that tip them over the edge.

And with male suicide rates at an all-time high, today

I'm asking, is feminism literally killing men?

Listen to this.

PLAYS SONG

Crikey!

He had a really hard lockdown. Oh.

First he lost a sister and then he lost his job.

He actually went out to the forest to end it all.

But then he saw some nesting birds in an old oak tree

and he couldn't bear to do it in front of them.

Oh.

We were just talking about your uncle.

Every family has a problematic uncle that they have to tolerate

over Christmas, but Ryan lives with theirs all year round.

Is everything OK?

If you're still around Saturday, you should come to our

cat speed-dating night. Speed-dating for cats?

I set up a charity matching homeless cats up with the elderly

and we have a date night in the pub.

Oh, that's nice! Yeah, it gets pretty wild.

We had to pay for security. Biting, scratching, spraying

all over the bars and furniture. The cats are no trouble, though.

Ryan! Ah! Ahh!

Oh...

You should tell those Eel Sisters you don't like eels or they'll keep

leaving them on your step for you. What...?

Don't worry. You'll get used to the forest grapevine.

Oh, I need to go as well, actually.

I hope you find your tree.

I'm Joy, by the way.

Jesus! They'll be telling me the colour of my pants next!

MAN: Beige!

Please send Anthony, help me to find my tree.

INSECT BUZZES Huh!

Huh!

PERSON HUMS A TUNE

Oh!

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

I didn't mean find it on the first day, Saint Anthony!

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, mother of Jesus!

STRAINING

It's time, Lin!

SCREECHING

SCREECHING

Come, come, come, come, come!

Come on.

Whoa! Jesus!

You scared the shit out of me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, woo!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I've got pepper spray up here if you try anything.

Is it coarse or ground?

What, you think this is funny? A lone woman trapped up a tree?

I'm sorry. It was just a little joke to try and put you at ease.

What are you doing, anyway?

I was... I was given the all clear for the boar.

This is where they come for their breakfast.

The boar?

Yeah. The wild pigs.

There's wild pigs? Yes. Here? Yeah.

Now? Yeah, and they're a little bit confused now.

Oh. Oh, THEY'RE confused?

Yeah, because I told them it was safe, and then I told them

to wait - because of you.

Can you ask them to wait a little bit longer?

Oh, they won't hurt you. Please!

OK. OK.

I'll warn them off.

Home, home, home! Home, home, home!

Come on, girls and boys! Home, home! Home, home, home!

Come on, girls and boys! You know, you men should be more

self-aware of how threatening you can be to lone women.

You know, you've killed more women than cancer...

...wars, malaria and traffic accidents combined.

Well, I try and keep myself busy.

Oh, my God! Oh, shit.

What did I just say? I'm sorry.

It looks like you know your way around a rope.

Yeah, well, it's been a while, but it all came back.

The porkers wouldn't have harmed you, by the way.

They're only young'uns. They lost their mum.

This is where they come for their morning truffles. Right.

So why...? Some people want to keep their numbers down.

I don't really agree with that so I try to keep an eye on them.

You keep an eye out for the pigs when they're digging for truffles?

Yeah. Oh.

Tha... that's nice.

I've not seen you around here before, have I?

What were you doing up there? Oh,

I was looking for something but it's gone.

It was a really long shot.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Maybe the starlings made a nest of it.

Maybe they did.

Hmm!

Why don't I make you a nice cup of coffee? Perk you up a bit?

Oh... Only if you...

Yeah, why not? Oh, good.

OK. I'll just, erm, text...

Yeah, I'm just around the corner.

...let them know. Of course. Yeah.

Where I...where I am.

Here we are. Ooh!

Lovely. My veranda.

Mm!

Come on in.

It's not Buckingham Palace, but it's home. Come in.

Ooh, it's a cave!

I'll get the coffee on. Wow.

Oh, I'm Linda, by the way.

Oh, I'm sorry - William.

But my friends call me Pig Man.

Nice to meet you, William.

Nice to meet you, Linda.

How did you end up living in here like this?

Fate, I guess. I followed my gut.

Were you in the military or the SAS or something?

No, I was a numbers man. Hmm?

Big job in the city. But adding up other people's money all day

didn't amount to much for me. I felt like I was squandering my time.

I can relate to that. What about you?

Numbers woman. Oh.

Is that your daughter?

Yeah.

Sweet.

What about you? You got any kids?

No. It's very clean in here.

Why wouldn't it be? I'm not an animal.

Which is a silly thing to say, because I am.

I mean, we are animals, aren't we? Mm.

Animals? Humans?

Who's making the mess in this world, I wonder.

Sorry. I went off on one, then.

No, it's good. Humans ARE messy.

I've always been very house-proud. Cave-proud now.

GRUNTS

Okeydokey.

What's the matter? Never seen a man frothing milk before?

Yes, I have, actually. Just not in a cave surrounded by pigs.

HE CHUCKLES You should get out more often.

There we go.

Oops. Should be nice and frothy now.

I hate it when there's no froth!

Oh, damn. I've only got one cup.

Oh, you don't make coffee for every woman you find trapped

up a tree, then? I do, yeah.

But then I have to kill them afterwards

and bury the cup with them.

Sorry. It's OK. It's funny.

Sometimes I burn them.

Oh, no, that's enough now.

OK. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Nice and frothy, isn't it?

GULPS

You like it?

It's always better when someone else makes it, isn't it?

CUPBOARDS AND DRAWERS BANGING

Carm! Out of there!

You've got enough dildos now.

I'll never have enough!

That is the best coffee I've ever had. Thank you.

Well, the porkers should be having their siesta now,

so it's a good time to make a dash for it.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Come on, I'll show you to the path. Oh, that'd be great. Yeah, thanks.

Laptop cushions. 46.

Empty dishwasher. Two minutes, ten.

Talk to neighbour re dogshit.

15 minutes, seven seconds.

Cleaned up plates. Two minutes, 30.

Sex with Steve.

One minute 20.

No!

Lampshades get dusty?

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Siobhan! Abandoning your own children.

You're worse than Magda Gobbles.

It's Goebbels, I think.

And I haven't abandoned them. They're with their dad.

AND I'm sending them pictures of the moon.

Well, they can't eat pictures of the moon!

People will judge you for this.

No, they won't. They won't know.

What do you mean, they won't know?

Well, I'm not telling anyone I'm married with kids.

I don't want to be asked about them all the time.

I don't know what the big deal is, Siobhan.

I'm just having some time to myself.

Trying to find some time capsule in a stupid tree.

Yeah, well, that didn't work out. I've found it already.

The capsule wasn't there.

SIOBHAN LAUGHS

It's not funny, Siobhan.

LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

It's really not that funny.

Saint Anthony!

Yes. Who else?

So you're coming home now, then?

Linda? I don't... I don't know. But I shouldn't need a reason to stay.

Dads go away on their own all the time.

Joe Wicks went off on his Triumph and no-one batted an eyelid.

I've had enough of this whingy women shit.

Just grow up and come home!

HORN BEEPS

And you can fuck off!

Nice to see a bit of old meat.

May I?

What's that? Death notices?

See, the problem with these new-fangled gender neutral toilets,

Linda... Like many blokes, I enjoys a big old fart when I urinate,

Not in front of the ladies.

No, because I am a gentleman.

That's how I've been brought up.

They don't call me Tony Bond for nothing.

But what someone looks like ain't always what they are.

Some people looks like gentlemen, but are ladies.

And some people looks like ladies, but are gentlemen.

Some of them are neither, and some of them are both

ladies and gentlemen. They move about, you know?

But if I can't ask someone what they is or what they isn't

for fear of causing offence, how do I know who I'm allowed to fart

in front of when I'm at a urinal, urinating?

Hmm.

It's a nightmare.

Maybe just... don't fart.

What, don't fart...

...while I'm urinating? Don't fart in front of anyone,

regardless of gender.

Yeah.

I suppose I could do that. Yeah.

Never really thought about it before. There you go, then. Yeah.

I don't know what I'm doing here, Tony.

You're here to get laid, Linda, like the rest of us.

I'm really not.

Drink? I'll get them.

You might break something on the way.

Yeah. Every woman's heart, eh?

THEY CHUCKLE

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing.

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing.

♪ She smiled and replied, "You don't know what you're missing."

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could wed you

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could bed you.

♪ She smiled and replied... ♪