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[OLD-TIMEY MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:09,390
- [BAT CRACKS]
- [CROWD CHEERING]
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00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:11,243
Yay! Another run for the Topes.
4
00:00:11,394 --> 00:00:15,138
Why is everyone on the other
team old men and little kids?
5
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,731
[GRANDFATHER] Well,
little Abe, it's because
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00:00:16,792 --> 00:00:18,417
all the good players in the league
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00:00:18,568 --> 00:00:19,643
are off fighting the war.
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00:00:19,645 --> 00:00:22,254
Our clever cowards found a way out.
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00:00:22,330 --> 00:00:24,071
[ANNOUNCER] Now batting for Springfield,
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00:00:24,073 --> 00:00:25,573
Fake Cough Johnson.
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00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,484
Ooh, cough, cough.
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00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,486
[CHEERING]
13
00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:30,488
Yippee!
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00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:31,746
- Yeah!
- Yay!
15
00:00:31,748 --> 00:00:34,674
Someday you'll be sitting
in these very seats
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00:00:34,751 --> 00:00:37,994
enjoying baseball with
a grandson of your own.
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00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:40,664
I can't wait for that someday.
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00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:42,607
♪
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00:00:44,093 --> 00:00:45,335
[GROANS]
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00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:46,853
I'm still waiting.
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00:00:46,930 --> 00:00:48,864
♪
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00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:51,432
Bart, it's your grampa.
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00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,660
It's a beautiful day for a ballgame.
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00:00:53,695 --> 00:00:55,787
Eh, baseball's just a bunch of guys
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00:00:55,864 --> 00:00:57,530
in tight pants barely moving.
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I can watch that here.
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00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:02,109
Marge, my stomach ate my belt again.
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00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,870
Look under the fold.
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00:01:03,947 --> 00:01:05,538
I'm too a-scared.
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00:01:05,615 --> 00:01:07,540
Ah, I guess it's just me
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00:01:07,617 --> 00:01:10,376
and the self-storage units again.
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Dagnabbit!
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Hey! Now we're cooking.
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In the only way men should.
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[MOE] Yeah! Heh.
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Another fan?
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Want some company?
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[MOE GRUMBLES]
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Oh, boy, I'll be right there!
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[SIGHS]
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Another tough one for the Topes, huh?
42
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:40,874
Yeah, yeah, tough one.
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We would've had a shot in '91
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if Flash Lewis didn't
get arrested mid-game.
45
00:01:49,158 --> 00:01:52,677
Oh, yeah, oh,
that guy could really steal bases.
46
00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:55,180
And nitrous from the dentist's office.
47
00:01:55,805 --> 00:01:59,075
Hey, you want to have some fun and,
uh, help the team?
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00:01:59,094 --> 00:02:00,426
You suck!
49
00:02:00,503 --> 00:02:03,429
My kidney stones move
quicker than your fastball.
50
00:02:03,506 --> 00:02:07,675
You pitch worse than Sandy
Koufax on Yom Kippur.
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00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:09,361
Whatever the hell that is!
52
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[GRUNTS]
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[LAUGHS] We rattled him.
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That wasn't because of you!
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I'm having troubles with my marriage.
56
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Well, at least
you're striking out somewhere.
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00:02:19,948 --> 00:02:21,931
[BOTH LAUGHING]
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- [PITCHER GRUNTS]
- [MOE] Oh!
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I've never enjoyed losing 14-1 more.
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00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,381
Misery isn't so bad
when you have company.
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00:02:29,457 --> 00:02:31,699
Yeah, hey,
they should make a saying about that.
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Yeah, but they probably won't.
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00:02:34,129 --> 00:02:35,703
Mm.
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00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:37,705
Hey, listen, uh, if you, uh,
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00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:40,967
don't end up stroking out in
the next couple of days, uh,
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00:02:41,044 --> 00:02:42,452
maybe we could do this again?
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Or not, or not.
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00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:46,231
Ooh, why do you have
to come on so hard, Moe?
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Stupid, stupid, stupid...
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- I'd love to.
- [SPITS]
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Wha...?
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Hey, that's great!
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Hey, would it,
would it be okay if I added you
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as a contact in my phone?
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You'd be the first one.
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00:02:58,895 --> 00:03:01,137
And you'll be my only living one.
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00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:06,159
♪ It's a beautiful day
for a ballgame ♪
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00:03:06,161 --> 00:03:09,813
♪ For a ballgame today ♪
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00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:13,908
♪ The fans are out to
get a ticket or two ♪
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00:03:13,910 --> 00:03:17,411
♪ From Walla Walla,
Washington, to Kalamazoo. ♪
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[SCREAMS] My father?
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00:03:19,248 --> 00:03:20,657
My bartender?
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The guy I'm gonna bury and
the guy who's gonna bury me?
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00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,086
I got to drink to forget this.
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00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:26,512
But where?
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[YELPS]
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[ANNOUNCER] We interrupt
the ninth inning
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00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:32,018
of this unprecedented
double perfect game
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00:03:32,095 --> 00:03:33,928
for breaking baseball news.
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00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:37,523
A once-in-a-generation prospect
is coming to the majors.
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Macedonian two-way phenom,
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Aeropos Walkov
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will leave the Minsk Golems
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to achieve his lifelong dream:
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playing in the U.S.
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00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,701
Walkov developed his unique two-handed
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00:03:48,778 --> 00:03:50,945
pitching style at the age of six,
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00:03:50,947 --> 00:03:53,965
helping his father,
the village ratcatcher.
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00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:58,044
[MILLAR] Where he also developed
his immense power at the plate.
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00:03:58,046 --> 00:03:59,638
Gotti!
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00:03:59,714 --> 00:04:02,715
Every major league club is
gonna pull out all the stops
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00:04:02,792 --> 00:04:04,643
to get Walkov to sign.
103
00:04:04,719 --> 00:04:08,204
Yeah, too bad the Topes can't
land a superstar like Walkov.
104
00:04:08,223 --> 00:04:11,207
But Springfield ain't
one of them classy cities
105
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,726
like, uh, Philadelphia or Anaheim.
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00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:16,303
If we started winning, maybe my grandson
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00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,731
would finally go to a game with me.
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00:04:18,808 --> 00:04:20,066
[SIGHS]
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00:04:20,143 --> 00:04:22,902
Suck that sigh right back
into your gobble shoot.
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00:04:22,904 --> 00:04:25,054
So what if our city's a greased-stained
111
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,389
mattress graveyard?
112
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:29,225
Our team's got passionate,
dedicated fans.
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00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:30,393
We do?
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00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:33,487
Yeah, us,
you lovable bag of Alzheimer's.
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00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,748
What we got to do is make a video
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00:04:35,750 --> 00:04:38,843
with a personal appeal to
that two-handed-throwing
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00:04:38,962 --> 00:04:40,512
Euro sasquatch.
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00:04:40,588 --> 00:04:42,830
But all the rich teams
are gonna do that, too.
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00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,908
Yeah, but what they don't know is
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00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:48,261
is I speak a pretty good Macedonian.
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00:04:48,337 --> 00:04:51,431
How? You barely speak English.
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00:04:51,507 --> 00:04:54,934
No offense!
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00:04:55,011 --> 00:04:57,253
Yeah, I learned it from my grandmother.
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00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:59,739
[SPEAKING MACEDONIAN]
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00:05:01,603 --> 00:05:04,209
_
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00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,612
Yeah, nobody could put a cigarette out
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00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:09,282
on the back of your
neck like Baba Branka.
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00:05:09,358 --> 00:05:11,025
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] So what do you say?
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00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:13,002
Let's make a video!
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00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:19,108
Ah, geez, it's out of gas.
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00:05:19,127 --> 00:05:21,094
- ♪
- [GOAT BLEATING]
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00:05:24,132 --> 00:05:27,058
Hey, Walkov, Chris Rock here
to tell you why you should come
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00:05:27,135 --> 00:05:31,229
and play for my favorite team,
the New York Mets.
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00:05:31,306 --> 00:05:32,731
What a city!
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00:05:32,807 --> 00:05:35,792
Where else can you get
a sandwich at 3:00 a.m.
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00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:39,220
and a gun at the same bodega?
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00:05:39,769 --> 00:05:41,239
Oh.
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00:05:41,316 --> 00:05:43,224
Mr. Walkov, I'm Danny Trejo.
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00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:47,470
I have 468 credits on my IMDb.
140
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,655
So why don't you just be like me
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00:05:49,732 --> 00:05:54,143
and say yes to any job in L.A.?
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00:05:54,162 --> 00:05:56,254
Hmm.
143
00:05:56,331 --> 00:05:59,132
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
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00:06:00,168 --> 00:06:01,593
Mm...
145
00:06:05,173 --> 00:06:06,765
Mm-mm. Mm.
146
00:06:08,176 --> 00:06:09,517
Hmm.
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00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:19,685
Hello, Mr. Walkov.
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00:06:19,762 --> 00:06:21,613
[SPEAKING MACEDONIAN]
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00:06:22,114 --> 00:06:25,988
_
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00:06:25,989 --> 00:06:30,000
_
151
00:06:30,001 --> 00:06:32,505
_
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00:06:32,506 --> 00:06:34,441
_
153
00:06:34,442 --> 00:06:36,542
_
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00:06:36,686 --> 00:06:39,964
The point is, you big,
beautiful, farm-fed foreigner...
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00:06:40,041 --> 00:06:41,299
Springfield.
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00:06:41,450 --> 00:06:42,859
Hearts.
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00:06:42,877 --> 00:06:44,527
[ALL] Walkov!
158
00:06:44,546 --> 00:06:46,304
[MOE] Oh, my drone!
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00:06:46,381 --> 00:06:48,306
I was gonna use it to see if the trees
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00:06:48,457 --> 00:06:51,893
I planted in erotic
formations have grown in.
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00:06:53,796 --> 00:06:55,021
[INHALES]
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00:06:55,618 --> 00:06:56,634
_
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00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,027
[SPEAKING MACEDONIAN]
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00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,561
I am here because of a beautiful video
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00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:12,396
made by these two men:
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00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:13,564
Corpse
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00:07:13,716 --> 00:07:15,474
and Gargoyle.
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00:07:15,526 --> 00:07:16,550
We did it!
169
00:07:16,627 --> 00:07:19,295
We saved Springfield baseball!
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00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:21,239
[EXCITED CHATTER]
171
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Springfield baseball!
172
00:07:24,893 --> 00:07:27,227
- [CRASHING]
- [GROANING]
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00:07:27,305 --> 00:07:30,149
I gotta assume that's
a misunderstanding.
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00:07:32,658 --> 00:07:35,762
There's a superstar in
Springfield for the first time
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00:07:35,861 --> 00:07:37,547
since Bullseye the Target dog's
176
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:40,499
private plane landed
here to empty its trash.
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00:07:40,651 --> 00:07:44,503
Thanks to the newly signed Walkov,
baseball is back.
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00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:45,838
[ALL CHEERING]
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00:07:45,914 --> 00:07:48,290
And Mayor Quimby has sold
off every traffic light
180
00:07:48,326 --> 00:07:51,176
in town to pay for
renovations to the ballpark.
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00:07:51,178 --> 00:07:52,085
[TIRES SCREECH]
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00:07:52,163 --> 00:07:54,438
- Go Isotopes...
- [THUDS]
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00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:57,525
["TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME"
PLAYING IN MACEDONIAN]
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00:07:57,526 --> 00:07:59,294
_
185
00:08:01,078 --> 00:08:03,371
_
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00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:12,105
♪
187
00:08:12,183 --> 00:08:15,851
Thanks for taking me to see
Walkov's first game, Grampa.
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00:08:15,853 --> 00:08:18,871
My grandson is going to a game with me.
189
00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:22,024
Now I can die less unhappy.
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00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,302
All because of what youse and me did.
191
00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:27,972
We're a great team,
like Martin and Lewis.
192
00:08:28,123 --> 00:08:29,974
Thank you for noticing.
193
00:08:30,125 --> 00:08:32,626
Wow, look at this place.
194
00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:34,553
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
- [BART GASPS]
195
00:08:34,630 --> 00:08:36,314
The scoreboard's huge!
196
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:39,299
It's like everyone here is
looking at the same phone.
197
00:08:39,377 --> 00:08:41,802
Still too small!
198
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,045
[ANNOUNCER] Ladies and gentlemen,
199
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,990
please rise for our national anthem.
200
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,717
Ooh, I got to go translate
the anthem for Walkov.
201
00:08:48,719 --> 00:08:49,976
It's kind of tough 'cause there's
202
00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:52,054
no Macedonian word for "free."
203
00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:55,074
Hey, you want to meet the big
teddy bear after the game?
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00:08:55,150 --> 00:08:57,059
Wow, you think I could?
205
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,078
Of course. Walkov wouldn't even be here
206
00:08:59,154 --> 00:09:00,987
if it weren't for your gramps.
207
00:09:01,065 --> 00:09:04,425
And, in some sick way,
neither would youse.
208
00:09:09,256 --> 00:09:11,740
Go ahead, kid, show me you're a winner.
209
00:09:11,742 --> 00:09:14,018
I heart Szyslak.
210
00:09:14,169 --> 00:09:15,770
[GRUNTS]
211
00:09:20,918 --> 00:09:22,843
[CROWD CHEERING]
212
00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:24,445
- Attaboy!
- Yay!
213
00:09:33,097 --> 00:09:35,614
[CHEERING, CLAMORING]
214
00:09:35,766 --> 00:09:37,833
[LAUGHING]
215
00:09:41,864 --> 00:09:43,530
[CHEERING]
216
00:09:43,549 --> 00:09:45,716
Starting off your Major
League career with a win?
217
00:09:45,826 --> 00:09:47,200
That's got to be a great feeling.
218
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:48,961
Just like when I played for the Marlins.
219
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,138
[SPEAKING MACEDONIAN]
220
00:09:54,452 --> 00:09:58,562
In Macedonia,
our widows chant mournful dirges
221
00:09:58,564 --> 00:10:01,023
for your garbage Marlins.
222
00:10:01,884 --> 00:10:03,734
Oh, where's Walkov going?
223
00:10:03,736 --> 00:10:05,236
You said I could meet him.
224
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:08,130
Sorry, kids,
the big lug's teaching himself English
225
00:10:08,132 --> 00:10:09,723
by watching Family Guy.
226
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,316
[WALKOV] Giggity, giggity.
227
00:10:11,469 --> 00:10:12,801
I got to go.
228
00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:15,371
It's a road trip and I
am traveling in style.
229
00:10:17,232 --> 00:10:18,732
[CHUCKLES]
230
00:10:18,809 --> 00:10:20,751
Oh, I'm gonna be so regular.
231
00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:23,295
[MUNCHING]
232
00:10:24,590 --> 00:10:26,331
[ANNOUNCER] Walkov approaches the plate.
233
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:29,151
And here comes the pitch,
sponsored by Squatty Potty.
234
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,820
It's a long drive,
sponsored by Hankook tires.
235
00:10:31,822 --> 00:10:34,990
Walkov makes it to third base,
sponsored by Trojan condoms.
236
00:10:34,992 --> 00:10:37,417
Trojan, for when she waves you in.
237
00:10:37,495 --> 00:10:38,661
Wait a minute.
238
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,346
This game is just one big commercial.
239
00:10:41,499 --> 00:10:43,941
[ANNOUNCER] Hey, this series of
sponsorships is sponsored by...
240
00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:47,519
After a hard day turning
Macedonian into normal,
241
00:10:47,596 --> 00:10:50,096
I wet my whistle with Gren-Aid.
242
00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:51,431
[GLUGGING]
243
00:10:51,509 --> 00:10:53,617
Ka-boom drink.
244
00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:55,435
Ah!
245
00:10:55,513 --> 00:10:57,696
Ka-boom drink!
246
00:10:57,698 --> 00:11:00,624
- [ORGAN PLAYING]
- _
247
00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:03,419
♪
248
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:05,654
_
249
00:11:06,868 --> 00:11:08,192
_
250
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:13,262
♪
251
00:11:15,036 --> 00:11:17,102
_
252
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:22,963
Please accept this
traditional Macedonian vest
253
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:26,859
from Mr. Walkov in memory
of your meaningful tryst.
254
00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:29,445
- [WALKOV] Giggity.
- [WOMAN GIGGLES]
255
00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:32,656
And so, after spending millions
256
00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:35,326
of tax dollars on the
BALCO investigation,
257
00:11:35,402 --> 00:11:39,980
not a single steroid
abuser was ever punished.
258
00:11:40,057 --> 00:11:43,167
Oh, Grampa, you and your stories.
259
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:45,410
I'm sorry, sir, you can't go in
260
00:11:45,563 --> 00:11:47,505
unless you're a member
of the De Beers Diamonds
261
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,489
Diamond Club Gold.
262
00:11:49,491 --> 00:11:51,066
♪
263
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,420
But these seats have been
in my family for 80 years.
264
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:56,680
Section J.
265
00:11:56,682 --> 00:12:00,100
Oh, yes, you still sit in Section J.
266
00:12:08,435 --> 00:12:10,343
[MUTTERING]
267
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:13,847
Two hot dogs for me and my grandson.
268
00:12:13,924 --> 00:12:16,033
Oh, we don't sell hot dogs anymore.
269
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,944
Crème brûlée,
get your crème brûlée here!
270
00:12:19,096 --> 00:12:21,354
Served in a souvenir ramekin.
271
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:22,706
Seafood towers!
272
00:12:22,858 --> 00:12:26,118
It ain't a ballgame
without a seafood tower.
273
00:12:26,194 --> 00:12:27,378
Ortolan!
274
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:29,454
Brandy-drowned baby birds.
275
00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,549
Comes with team logo napkin
276
00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:34,126
to hide your shame from God.
277
00:12:34,202 --> 00:12:35,127
[CRUNCHING]
278
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,870
[KRUSTY] That's so wrong.
279
00:12:36,872 --> 00:12:38,889
No hot dogs?!
280
00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:42,017
Sit down, you bandwagon betties!
281
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:48,274
Oh, is there any place left
that's just for only fans?
282
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:50,793
Aah!
283
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:52,978
Moe, you're not gonna believe
284
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:55,798
the way everything has
changed around here.
285
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,132
Abe, will you please? I'm working here.
286
00:12:57,134 --> 00:12:58,817
Walkov's doing the product launch
287
00:12:58,894 --> 00:13:01,153
of his caffeinated goat jerky.
288
00:13:01,229 --> 00:13:02,304
[GRUNTS]
289
00:13:02,306 --> 00:13:03,806
Well, youse didn't hear it from me,
290
00:13:03,808 --> 00:13:06,542
but, uh,
soon we'll be branching out to llama.
291
00:13:08,236 --> 00:13:10,087
[STAMMERS] What happened to that guy
292
00:13:10,238 --> 00:13:12,089
that loved baseball so much
293
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:15,241
he taped over the 1998
Westminster Dog Show
294
00:13:15,319 --> 00:13:17,761
to make that video for Walkov?
295
00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:20,155
Ah, the dogs weren't that hot that year.
296
00:13:20,157 --> 00:13:22,341
I'll tell you what happened to that guy.
297
00:13:22,493 --> 00:13:24,343
He sold out.
298
00:13:24,419 --> 00:13:25,494
Oh, is that right?
299
00:13:25,496 --> 00:13:26,678
You're right it's right.
300
00:13:26,755 --> 00:13:28,606
They're putting ads everywhere now.
301
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,256
Even on the bases.
302
00:13:30,334 --> 00:13:31,667
[GRUNTS]
303
00:13:31,669 --> 00:13:34,186
Well, you're just jealous
that I'm Walkov's buddy.
304
00:13:34,262 --> 00:13:36,596
That beautiful Balkan boy loves me
305
00:13:36,674 --> 00:13:38,098
and Springfield loves him.
306
00:13:38,175 --> 00:13:40,284
But all this fiddle-faddle
that came with him
307
00:13:40,435 --> 00:13:42,786
is bad for baseball!
308
00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:45,438
Having empty stadiums
was bad for baseball.
309
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:48,183
Now they're packed,
making money wart over bunion.
310
00:13:48,185 --> 00:13:51,019
And soon the league is
gonna expand to 50 teams.
311
00:13:51,021 --> 00:13:53,021
They might even get one in Tampa.
312
00:13:53,023 --> 00:13:54,857
Well, I say I saved baseball,
313
00:13:54,859 --> 00:13:56,875
and you were just a
bunch of sour grapes.
314
00:13:57,027 --> 00:14:00,846
I wish I never let you
into my life or my phone!
315
00:14:04,201 --> 00:14:05,884
- Ah! Consarn.
- [MOE] Ah.
316
00:14:07,803 --> 00:14:10,555
What are you watching one of
your potato unboxing videos?
317
00:14:11,162 --> 00:14:12,298
Whoa there.
318
00:14:12,376 --> 00:14:13,417
Draft-Pigs?
319
00:14:13,468 --> 00:14:14,652
Uh, that's a betting site.
320
00:14:14,728 --> 00:14:17,062
Hey, gambling can get you suspended.
321
00:14:17,139 --> 00:14:19,398
- At least you're not betting on base...
- [PHONE CHIMES]
322
00:14:19,550 --> 00:14:22,308
...ball!
And you're betting on the Topes?!
323
00:14:22,386 --> 00:14:24,069
No! No, no, no!
324
00:14:24,146 --> 00:14:26,571
[SHOUTING IN MACEDONIAN]
325
00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:27,739
I'm so sorry!
326
00:14:27,892 --> 00:14:30,075
I go under instead of over!
327
00:14:30,152 --> 00:14:32,670
Do you whip Walkov now?
328
00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:34,229
How did this happen?
329
00:14:34,231 --> 00:14:37,174
How did you even hear about
sports betting, anyway?
330
00:14:40,237 --> 00:14:41,420
Oh.
331
00:14:41,496 --> 00:14:43,847
Not giggity!
332
00:14:43,999 --> 00:14:46,274
[WALKOV CRYING]
333
00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,893
Not giggity!
334
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,508
A subject line should be short.
335
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:56,694
You don't have to write
336
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:59,029
the whole email in there, okay?
337
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,199
Abe, we got to talk. In private.
338
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:04,593
Away from all of these,
these wrinkletons.
339
00:15:04,595 --> 00:15:06,762
I got nothing to say to you.
340
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:08,294
Something horrible happened.
341
00:15:08,329 --> 00:15:09,846
Walkov's gambling.
342
00:15:09,881 --> 00:15:12,517
And he called a press conference
to come clean about it.
343
00:15:12,519 --> 00:15:14,961
So why are you bothering me?
344
00:15:14,963 --> 00:15:17,355
You got to help me talk him
out of telling the truth.
345
00:15:17,432 --> 00:15:19,007
Everything's gonna disappear.
346
00:15:19,009 --> 00:15:20,191
The team trips,
347
00:15:20,268 --> 00:15:22,344
people calling me Mr. Creepo,
348
00:15:22,362 --> 00:15:24,454
the steaks with a little plastic cow
349
00:15:24,531 --> 00:15:26,772
stuck in them saying
how it's been cooked.
350
00:15:26,850 --> 00:15:29,184
I can't go back to unlabeled steak!
351
00:15:29,202 --> 00:15:30,518
[SHOUTING]
352
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,629
So that's all you care about?
353
00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:35,406
You don't give a leprechaun's lick
354
00:15:35,484 --> 00:15:38,026
about baseball and now you want my help?
355
00:15:38,028 --> 00:15:40,028
Well, tough tomboys.
356
00:15:40,030 --> 00:15:42,121
Lisa, print out my email.
357
00:15:42,199 --> 00:15:44,290
So it's ready for the email man.
358
00:15:44,368 --> 00:15:46,201
That's not how it wor... [GROANS]
359
00:15:46,219 --> 00:15:47,394
Okay.
360
00:15:48,722 --> 00:15:50,054
Hiya, puppy.
361
00:15:50,131 --> 00:15:51,906
I got some bad news about the sport
362
00:15:51,908 --> 00:15:53,316
you love as much as I do.
363
00:15:53,393 --> 00:15:57,154
Turns out baseball breeds
nothing but snakes and scugs.
364
00:15:57,230 --> 00:16:00,382
And Walkov is the
biggest rat of them all.
365
00:16:00,384 --> 00:16:01,491
Walkov? Is he hurt?
366
00:16:01,493 --> 00:16:02,884
That means I got an edge.
367
00:16:02,886 --> 00:16:04,286
I got to lay down a bet now.
368
00:16:05,330 --> 00:16:07,313
You're g-g-gambling?!
369
00:16:07,332 --> 00:16:10,074
Of course, everybody else is cashing in.
370
00:16:10,151 --> 00:16:11,984
I'd be a sucker not to.
371
00:16:12,062 --> 00:16:14,171
Where'd you ever get that idea?
372
00:16:14,247 --> 00:16:16,414
I learned from watching Yu...
373
00:16:16,416 --> 00:16:20,159
Darvish. Yu's covered the
spread in six straight starts.
374
00:16:20,161 --> 00:16:23,405
How does a kid get on a gambling site?
375
00:16:23,407 --> 00:16:25,557
Easy, Dad helped me.
376
00:16:27,001 --> 00:16:29,744
That's the thing about furniture.
377
00:16:29,746 --> 00:16:31,938
It has an agenda.
378
00:16:33,083 --> 00:16:34,916
Oh, sweet tomboys!
379
00:16:34,935 --> 00:16:37,435
- This is terrible!
- I know.
380
00:16:37,587 --> 00:16:39,679
If the Phillies don't get
at least 3.5 runs today,
381
00:16:39,756 --> 00:16:42,324
- I'll have to sell my bike.
- [GROANS]
382
00:16:43,685 --> 00:16:45,827
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- [SPEAKING MACEDONIAN]
383
00:16:45,828 --> 00:16:46,828
_
384
00:16:46,829 --> 00:16:49,329
_
385
00:16:49,449 --> 00:16:53,293
Thank you for coming,
but I have something I need to confess.
386
00:16:56,636 --> 00:16:58,623
_
387
00:17:00,126 --> 00:17:02,719
Yeah, okay, he wants to say that, uh,
388
00:17:02,796 --> 00:17:05,055
well, he loves playing
here in Springfield
389
00:17:05,131 --> 00:17:06,890
and, uh, what you call it,
390
00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:09,509
oh, everybody should, uh,
buckle up on the way home.
391
00:17:09,544 --> 00:17:11,728
Right? Click it or ticket, okay.
392
00:17:13,381 --> 00:17:16,673
[SHOUTING IN MACEDONIAN]_
393
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:20,144
That's Macedonian for "Go Topes."
394
00:17:20,297 --> 00:17:22,313
[REPORTERS MURMURING]
395
00:17:22,390 --> 00:17:24,908
Yeah, Steve Gelbs, Draft-Pigs News.
396
00:17:25,059 --> 00:17:28,578
Walkov, why are you crying
and whipping yourself?
397
00:17:29,016 --> 00:17:33,454
_
398
00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:35,326
Oh, Walkov's just real excited, uh,
399
00:17:35,403 --> 00:17:37,495
for the big series in Pittsburgh.
400
00:17:37,572 --> 00:17:40,406
And, um, oh,
he's always wanted to ride that, uh,
401
00:17:40,484 --> 00:17:42,834
Duquesne Incline Funicular.
402
00:17:42,910 --> 00:17:45,153
Matt Lauer,
Senior Baseball Correspondent
403
00:17:45,155 --> 00:17:47,005
for BetBastards.com.
404
00:17:47,081 --> 00:17:49,824
I think I can speak for
all of us when I say...
405
00:17:49,826 --> 00:17:53,085
we completely buy that explanation.
406
00:17:53,163 --> 00:17:54,086
[MURMURING AGREEMENT]
407
00:17:54,164 --> 00:17:56,648
[CRYING]
408
00:17:59,853 --> 00:18:01,427
Great, very good questions.
409
00:18:01,429 --> 00:18:04,355
Hard-hitting. See youse at the ballpark.
410
00:18:04,632 --> 00:18:06,966
Wait one milk of magnesia minute.
411
00:18:07,043 --> 00:18:09,652
I have a question... not for Walkov,
412
00:18:09,729 --> 00:18:11,821
but for an old friend.
413
00:18:11,898 --> 00:18:13,490
[GASPS]
414
00:18:13,566 --> 00:18:16,217
[CHUCKLES] This is only
for credentialed press.
415
00:18:16,219 --> 00:18:18,310
Shut up, skinny Weinstein.
416
00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:22,165
What do you say when baseball's
unquenchable pursuit of greed
417
00:18:22,316 --> 00:18:25,150
leads to a ten-year-old boy
418
00:18:25,228 --> 00:18:27,170
gambling on your sport?
419
00:18:27,247 --> 00:18:30,064
I'm just gambling till I
get myself out of this hole.
420
00:18:30,066 --> 00:18:31,749
And then I'm going to quit.
421
00:18:31,826 --> 00:18:33,009
[WHIMPERING]
422
00:18:33,086 --> 00:18:34,511
Until football starts.
423
00:18:34,587 --> 00:18:36,420
Bart? Betting?
424
00:18:36,497 --> 00:18:38,681
[MOANING]
425
00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:41,409
Walkov,
who do you like for the AFC South?
426
00:18:41,427 --> 00:18:43,077
The Titans are plus 750.
427
00:18:43,079 --> 00:18:44,412
No!
428
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:46,689
Oh, he's just a sweet, innocent kid.
429
00:18:46,766 --> 00:18:50,175
Just like Walkov,
and I've ruined 'em both.
430
00:18:50,253 --> 00:18:52,754
Uh, the truth is...
431
00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:54,922
- Walkov's been gambling.
- [GASPING]
432
00:18:54,924 --> 00:18:57,200
Yeah, youse is right to gasp and murmur.
433
00:18:57,351 --> 00:18:59,443
He's been betting like
a plumber on payday.
434
00:18:59,596 --> 00:19:01,095
He's betting on baseball.
435
00:19:01,114 --> 00:19:02,947
- [GASPING]
- But baseball's this sport.
436
00:19:03,099 --> 00:19:04,265
And it's all your fault.
437
00:19:04,284 --> 00:19:05,950
Baseball used to be about men
438
00:19:06,027 --> 00:19:07,877
making hundreds of millions of dollars
439
00:19:08,029 --> 00:19:09,453
to play a child's game.
440
00:19:09,455 --> 00:19:12,048
And then money came into the picture.
441
00:19:12,125 --> 00:19:15,218
And now the whole league
is in bed with the bookies.
442
00:19:15,295 --> 00:19:19,055
The teams, the stadiums,
even the networks.
443
00:19:19,132 --> 00:19:22,116
But we always tell them
to gamble responsibly.
444
00:19:22,118 --> 00:19:24,769
Oh, yeah, and I tell my booze
bags to drink responsibly.
445
00:19:25,955 --> 00:19:26,996
[BELCHES]
446
00:19:27,048 --> 00:19:28,456
I'm... drunk.
447
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:30,716
Gambling's the top of
the food chain now.
448
00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:32,126
Pays all your salaries.
449
00:19:32,128 --> 00:19:35,054
But, hey, when a potato
out of dirt like Walkov
450
00:19:35,131 --> 00:19:37,648
actually makes a bet, oh-ho-ho,
451
00:19:37,725 --> 00:19:39,984
you hypocrites pretend to be offended.
452
00:19:40,136 --> 00:19:43,321
You've ruined the six-hour
sun slog between guys
453
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:45,064
that are too skinny for football
454
00:19:45,141 --> 00:19:46,583
and too short for basketball
455
00:19:46,734 --> 00:19:51,254
that used to deserve to be
called America's Pastime.
456
00:19:51,331 --> 00:19:52,571
[ASHAMED MURMURING]
457
00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:55,817
Thanks, Moe. You did save baseball.
458
00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:57,835
Nah, we did.
459
00:19:57,912 --> 00:20:00,955
After a thorough
45-minute investigation,
460
00:20:00,990 --> 00:20:04,186
the commissioner's office has
determined that Aeropos Walkov
461
00:20:04,221 --> 00:20:07,328
is completely innocent
of betting on baseball.
462
00:20:07,330 --> 00:20:09,088
The guilty party was determined to be
463
00:20:09,165 --> 00:20:12,275
the disgraced former team
translator Moe Szyslak.
464
00:20:12,426 --> 00:20:13,851
Looking for a fresh start,
465
00:20:14,003 --> 00:20:17,004
Walkov has signed an
$800 million contract
466
00:20:17,006 --> 00:20:20,858
with the newly renamed
San Francisco Draft-Pigs.
467
00:20:20,935 --> 00:20:23,102
I rich here now.
468
00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:25,104
Giggity!
469
00:20:25,181 --> 00:20:27,957
[SIGHS] I guess when you
have to choose between
470
00:20:28,034 --> 00:20:29,959
your moneymaker or your Moe,
471
00:20:30,036 --> 00:20:31,535
the decision's pretty easy.
472
00:20:31,612 --> 00:20:34,355
At least Bart isn't gambling anymore.
473
00:20:34,357 --> 00:20:35,781
Drinks are on me, boys.
474
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,525
Well, at least he's not losing.
475
00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:38,876
[BART CHUCKLING]
476
00:20:38,953 --> 00:20:40,303
[SINGING "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME"
IN MACEDONIAN]
477
00:20:50,288 --> 00:20:52,098
[JOMBOY] Photo shoot
taking place on the infield
478
00:20:52,189 --> 00:20:53,566
and Gramps isn't having it.
479
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:55,877
"This isn't what I bought a ticket for!
480
00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:57,545
I didn't come to see ads gettin'
filmed!"
481
00:20:57,547 --> 00:20:58,488
Throws the ticket on the field.
482
00:20:58,564 --> 00:21:00,139
One poke, two poke, three pokes.
483
00:21:00,141 --> 00:21:01,732
"Oh,
I'm gonna have to turn my hat around!"
484
00:21:01,734 --> 00:21:03,142
"I'll turn my hat around!
485
00:21:03,144 --> 00:21:05,495
"I hate all this marketing!
It's everywhere!
486
00:21:05,571 --> 00:21:07,221
It's even on the bases!"
487
00:21:07,223 --> 00:21:08,480
Throws the base.
488
00:21:08,482 --> 00:21:12,484
"It's bad for baseball!"
489
00:21:12,486 --> 00:21:13,836
And he says, "Okay." One nose kiss,
490
00:21:13,838 --> 00:21:15,821
two nose kisses, three nose kisses.
491
00:21:15,899 --> 00:21:17,322
They think he's done with nose kisses.
492
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,901
He comes back for a fourth.
493
00:21:19,903 --> 00:21:21,660
He says, "Oh, you want to kiss my nose?"
494
00:21:21,738 --> 00:21:23,087
He goes, "I'll throw my hat.
495
00:21:23,164 --> 00:21:24,830
"I'll kick dirt on it with my left foot.
496
00:21:24,908 --> 00:21:26,999
"And then I'll eject you from my phone
497
00:21:27,076 --> 00:21:28,500
"and kick my hat with the right foot.
498
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:29,727
I'm outta here."
499
00:21:30,763 --> 00:21:31,821
Shh!
500
00:21:34,785 --> 00:21:37,698
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