All language subtitles for Family Guy - S23E10 HD

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Let's see, Hemingway,
Tolstoy, Dickens.

Oh, there's my iPad.

Thank God. Some nerd
must've been using it.

Hi, everybody.

You know how when you go
on Hulu to watch Family Guy,

you got to scroll past
a bunch of little boxes?

Well, it turns out, those
are other TV shows.

TV shows that I'd never heard of

until they step up onstage
to accept their Emmy,

for which we were not nominated.

Well, tonight, we're gonna
click on three of them.

This first one has Steve Martin,
Martin Short and Selena Gomez.

So, if you were
born in 1950 or 2005,

you're gonna see
your favorite actor.

Now, please enjoy Only
Murders in the Building.

♪

[intense club music playing]

Drink it. It's just pop.

There's a pill on top.

Oh, wait, it's gone now.

♪

No, no, no, no. This isn't a
dark Netflix show, all right?

Our murders are solved
by the Father of the Bride.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I don't know, maybe
learn to be a better host.

All four of your guests
are sound asleep.

[elevator bell dings]

- Hello, Charles.
- Hello, Oliver.

This is the type of banter
the show's known for.

[elevator bell dings]

- Who's that?
- I don't know, but she's got

430 million followers
on Instagram.

Ah. What's Instagram?

What's Insta... How on
earth are we on a streamer?

[elevator bell dings]

Brr. Ugh, let me just shake off

this obviously fake,

"only on the shoulders"
New York snow.

You guys all coming from
the Statue of Liberty, too?

[elevator bell dings]

Man, what a great
day to be and stay alive.

Wow, really? Back-to-back
elevator scenes?

Yeah, this show is,
like, 40% elevator.

Well, good night.

- [Peter screams] -
[elevator bell dings]

My goodness, what happened here?

Sorry, folks, there was an
only murder in this building.

Ooh, a murder. I've
got goosebumps.

- Me, too.
- Yeah, those are shingles.

You're 70. I told you to
get the shot, you dope.

Well, looks like they don't
want people meddling in there.

What do you think, should
we banjo our way in?

No, no, no, no, that's
for your time, not our time.

He had one inside.

- [all gasp] - It looks like
someone tried to eat him.

Do you think it was
someone in the building?

I think I know who did it.

It must've been my creepy
next-door neighbor, Jeff.

Dahmer? Jeffy D.?
Really? But he's so cool.

You don't understand,

I can hear screams
coming from his apartment.

Look, Glenda, we
appreciate your concern,

but Jeff is just a
harmless weirdo.

So what if he watches
a lot of horror movies

and cooks a lot of pork chops?

We all picked up weird
hobbies over the pandemic.

I'm telling you,
there's something bad

going on in apartment 2B.

Uh-huh. Look,
thanks for stopping by,

but why don't you
leave this investigation

to the non-professionals?

Hey, didn't you get
reprimanded by the co-op board

for being inappropriate
with the doorman?

The third-party arbitrator
said it's not illegal

to tell someone when you're
going to the gym. Good day.

Question: Should we exploit
this tragedy with a podcast?

Somebody say "podcast"?

If you guys are doing
a murder pod, I want in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what makes you think

you're qualified to
make a murder podcast?

I'm a millennial woman
with nothing else going on.

Uh, crap, she's got us there.

Bland, 30-year-old women

are the Navy SEALs
of murder podcasting.

What do you think?
Do we include her?

Well, we do need someone

- who can turn the computer on.
- [both] You're in.

♪

All right, our neighbor
was murdered in cold blood,

and he deserves justice.

There's no time to waste.

We must decide what our
podcast voices are going to be.

I was thinking of...

taking...

unnatural pauses where...

normal people
don't... take them.

Yeah, I thought I could speak
way too close to the microphone

with a very wet mouth.

[smacks lips] Mm.

I can be the female
on the podcast

who laughs at
everything the guys say.

Do they always
have one of those?

[laughs] That's hilarious.

- [laughs]
- We're good to go.

- Where do we start?
- Well, wasn't Glenda

trying to tell us
something about Jeff?

Maybe we should
follow up on that.

Jeffrey Dahmer? Of course.
He always has great ideas.

That's right. He
sent that great email

about how to get blood
stains out of your power tools.

Let's see what he thinks.

Hi. Oh, uh, sorry.

I was... making pork chops.

Hey, Jeff. So sorry to bug you,

but you haven't heard anything
about Tim's murder, have you?

What...? Tim's dead?

But he was so
delicious. I mean, young.

I mean, I-I haven't
heard anything.

Aw, nuts. Well, we're worried
the killer might strike again,

so here's a list of
vulnerable people

in the building who live alone.

Would you mind
keeping an eye on them?

A lot of them
don't have families.

If something happened to
them, they would not be missed.

Uh, yeah, sure.

[laughs] I will definitely
do something like that.

Say, anybody have a spare
bone saw charger I could borrow?

Ugh, man, those things
are so easy to lose.

If I had a nickel, you know?

I do. I know about nickels.

Uh, I see your naked roommate

is trying to climb
out the window.

Looks like you've
got your hands full.

If you hear anything, give
us a ring-a-ding-ding, eh?

Are you out of your minds?
Jeffrey is obviously the killer.

Didn't you see the
blood on his shirt?

And look at the garbage
he left in the hallway.

- [flies buzzing] -
[person coughs]

So he's a little messy. That's
no reason to point fingers.

I don't believe this.

All the clues are right in
front of you. Can't you see?

You know what I see?
I see a hostile neighbor

who's emotionally unstable
and prone to outbursts.

Why, that fits the
profile of a murderer.

[grunting]

[scoffs] Look how many
people are out here in bathrobes.

I know it's the
middle of the night,

but, come on, make an effort.

You're making a mistake.

The murderer is
obviously Jeffrey Dahmer,

and he'll kill again.

[laughs]

No, no, no, no. Not
Netflix. Hulu ending.

♪

Statue of Liberty, my good man.

So, Jeff, is there
a Mrs. Dahmer?

- Ew. No.
- [drink fizzing]

Oh, Jeff brought
suspiciously fizzy roadies.

Here's to a murder well solved.

♪ New York, New York,
it's a wonderful town ♪

♪ The Bronx is up,
and the Battery's down ♪

♪ The people ride in
a hole in the ground. ♪

Hi, there. Our next show
answers the question:

What if you could
walk into a drugstore

and test yourself for AIDS

right next to a shelf full of
leftover Valentine's candy?

Ladies and gentlemen,
please enjoy The Dropout.

♪

So, you can probably
tell from my Razor scooter

that I'm in tech.

I even got a scooter
for the building.

Yes, of course, and I love
your hip, modern offices.

Thanks. I didn't want
my employees' ideas

constrained by old paradigms

like "walls" and "desks."

[farts]

So, what are your
qualifications?

Well, I dropped out of
Stanford after six days.

All I heard was Stanford.

Now, this idea of
yours, does it "rupt"?

No. It disrupts.

Tell me everything.

Well, I believe every
person deserves to know

which Sex and the
City character they are.

And until now, the
only way to find that out

was to either draw
a full gallon of blood

or take a lengthy BuzzFeed quiz.

You mean, there's a better way?

With just one drop of
blood, my device can tell you

if you're a Samantha, a Miranda,

or even Magda, the
uptight housekeeper.

Ms. Holmes, I can easily say

that's the worst
idea I've ever heard.

Oh, really? Well, what if I

[deep voice] pitch it like this?

Oh, my God. This is a
complete game "stay the samer."

I mean, game changer.
That-That's the good one.

Tell you what, if you
pitch it one more time

with your eyes really wide
like a lunatic owl, I'm in.

Science.

[person farts]

[toilet flushes]

I'm thinking maybe one wall.

♪

Thank you all for joining
me on this exciting journey.

And you're all here
on the ground floor.

I decided to name the company

after our two
founding principles:

quizzes and diagnosis.

- I'm so excited!
- This is going great.

I helped set up the projector.

Our mission is to
develop a machine

that can run diagnostic tests

with just one drop of blood.

I got it to work with two drops.

Two drops is
garbage. You're fired.

Get out of my office.

Now, I don't have to tell you

just how groundbreaking
it is for a woman

to be running a company
like this in Silicon Valley.

Sorry I'm late, I was
disrupting the toilet.

Don't mind me, I
don't even work here,

but I am now your king.

Everyone, this is Sunny.

He's a middle-aged man I met
in India when I was a teenager.

He is my father figure,
business partner, mentor, lover,

- and we share a Hulu password.
- Uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp.

Like I was saying, Elizabeth
is definitely in charge.

Also, we're pivoting
away from Sex and the City

and doing Sopranos
characters instead.

[normal voice] What? No, n...

[deep voice] No.
No. No. That's not...

All right, back to work.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna google where
to put your outside leg

during office couch sex.

Oh, of course. Never
would've thought of that.

Elizabeth, can I see you on
the office couch for a moment?

♪

How's the Sopranos
blood profiler coming along?

Still not working.

It says I'm the horny priest
who has lunch with Carmela,

and... that's just...
th-there's no way.

But we got the big presentation
for Walgreens tomorrow.

This isn't CVS, where
they throw you out

for staring at the
Maybelline posters too long.

Can you get it
working by tomorrow?

Honestly, I'm a little
over my head here.

I applied for a
receptionist job,

and you guys put me back here.

- What are we gonna do?
- We just need to get

to the next round of funding.

The machine doesn't
have to really work,

they just have
to think it works.

Are you saying we do fraud?

No, no, no, it's not fraud

because the machine
works in my head.

If I think it works,
then it works.

That's the Silicon Valley motto.

Just let me and Elizabeth
worry about the presentation.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

we're gonna go get
in our self-driving car

and mow down dogs
all the way home.

♪

[chuckles] Well, thanks
for having us, Ms. Holmes.

We think your product
might be a great addition

to our chain of drugstores.

Just keep in mind, I
may have to duck out

if somebody needs to
get into the eyedrops case.

Well, we won't take up
too much of your time.

I'm sure you are going
to find our machine

is a perfect fit
for your stores.

Eh, I don't know about that.

We already have a
machine from Dr. Scholl's

that tells you whether or
not you need Dr. Scholl's.

I don't see medical science

getting much more
sophisticated than that.

Gentlemen, people used to say

it was impossible to run tests

on a single drop of blood.

Well, I fired those people
and hired new ones.

And now, behold.

[device chimes]

Ooh! Science noise.

With just one drop of blood,

our device can tell you exactly
which Sopranos character

you are without having
to take a dumb quiz

written by a
social media intern.

Why Sopranos?

Because my company

- is like a criminal enterprise.
- All right.

And for no particular reason,

I'm gonna be behind this curtain
for the entire demonstration.

All we need is a
tiny blood sample.

[device chiming]

Ooh, it's doing stuff.

This says, "Artie
Bucco." Who's that?

- [Peter] Bald guy at the restaurant.
- Oh, yeah.

He and Tony were
friends growing up.

Ah, right, right, right.

I'm not sure this
machine is for us.

Just a sec, let me, uh,
recalibrate something.

[device chiming]

"Tony." All right. Now
this is [bleep] Walgreens.

♪

Members of the Quizznos family,

thanks to you, the
device is a huge success.

All the Walgreens
executives love it.

In fact, the company ordered

an additional 80,000 machines.

I told them we'd have
them ready by 2:30 today.

It's 2:05, so... chop-chop.

Wait. I know why people
love the machine so much.

It's giving out too
many false positives.

Just look at the data.

It's telling everyone
they're a Tony.

[chuckles] Look, wh...

when you're blazing new trails,

you are bound to hit

a few speed bumps along the way.

It's impossible for there to
be only Tonys walking around.

In an office with
this many ponytails,

- there's not one Furio?
- [office worker] Who's Furio?

[Peter] He was the
hit man from Italy

who Carmela fell in
love with in season four.

[office worker] Oh,
right, right, right.

Now, now, we've
had a few hiccups,

but I assure you,
the problem is solved.

The machine is finally
giving accurate results.

Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.

[device chiming]

"Meadow's boyfriend Finn"?

But he's the worst one.

[Peter giggles]

Oh, my God, we've been
faking the results this whole time.

- Tony?
- Oh, cool. I always thought I was a Tony...

No, no. This whole
operation has been a sham!

And as for you...

Why did you do it?

Childhood abuse
or drug dependency,

I'll-I'll see what my
lawyer tells me to say.

Welcome back. Our
next show is The Bear

because they wouldn't
let us do Pam & Tommy

with Stewie as the
penis. Not a joke.

Anyway, here's The Bear, a
show of which I am a huge fan.

[Chris] I'm the fan.
You've never even seen it.

I know how to make a
sandwich and yell at people,

it'll be fine.

♪

- Well, look who's back in town.
- That's right.

Sure is weird being back
in the old family restaurant

- here in Detroit...
- Chicago.

Chicago, but I am super sad

- about how my daughter...
- Brother.

- Brother committed grand larceny...
- Suicide.

Yep. I-I only watched a trailer.

Anyway, now that he's dead,
I can finally fulfill my dream

of turning this place
into a Johnny Rockets

and/or the fancy
restaurant from Ratatouille.

I kind of feel like you
got to pick a direction.

We're doing both.

♪ Great words won't
cover ugly actions ♪

♪ Good frames won't
save bad paintings ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ We lack the motion ♪

♪ To move to the new. ♪

Yeah. You can tell
I'm good at cheffing

because of all the quick
edits and loud music.

Mm. The previous
chef only cooked

with fewer edits
and quieter music,

so, therefore, I
resent this change.

Well, get on board 'cause
that's how we're doing it now.

Bad news, Chef,
we're out of... I...

I don't... I want to say beef?

Yes, beef.

You people are unbelievable.

Oh, boy, now what do I do?

Well, if you've got
any oven jeans to sell,

this is the time.

You told me you had a
supply of vintage denim to sell.

This is just a Winnie
the Pooh varsity jacket.

You want it or not? I got a lot
of people who are interested.

I... [strains]

No. I don't want it.

What if I told you
there's condoms

in every pocket of that bad boy?

I'd say you just got yourself
40 pounds of trunk beef.

♪

Wow, Chef, you've really
turned this place upside down.

Yes, even I have been
reluctantly won over.

Well, it's just in time

for the big Chicago
food critic who's coming.

He's the biggest food
critic in all of Chicago.

Oh, yeah, they call him
"Mr. Chicago Food Guy."

Anyone who gets a bad
review from him is executed,

Chicago-style.

Guys, if you didn't
want to do The Bear,

just say so, but
whatever this is...

All I know is this
hectic kitchen of ours

sure is different from the
fancy, hoity-toity restaurant

in New York where
I used to work,

of which we will
now see a flashback.

Is this food tiny enough
for rich New Yorkers, Chef?

- Plate bigger, food tinier, Chef.
- Yes, Chef.

It should look like two grains
of rice served on a door.

Yes, Chef.

You call this tiny food?

This food is enormous.

You're terrible at this, Chef.

I'm sorry, Chef.
I'll do better, Chef.

The woman at table 35
wants a sausage for her buns.

That was a sex joke,
say "giggity," Chef.

[stammers] Giggity, Chef.

You'll never make it in the
New York restaurant scene,

which is understood to
be the fanciest even though

when you say "New
York," people immediately

- think of street hot dogs.
- Yes, Chef.

And where's your hair net?

Oh, I-I thought it
was sexy underwear.

- There's no leg holes.
- I know.

I just bagged it like
grocery store onions.

Juxtaposition.

Anyway, I got us fresh sourdough

for the big Chicago food critic.

No, that was the old way.

We're doing just
King's Hawaiian rolls.

I think we should
stick with sourdough.

No! Only cake bread!

Wet beef on cake!

That's my Chicago!

Speaking of which, I think
it's time for several shots

of an elevated train with a
lot of clickity-clack noises.

♪

Chicago!

♪

All right, big day today, Chefs.

Since that critic is coming,

everything needs
to go exactly right.

Here he is!

All right, signed
photo of Rick Moranis.

Off to a good start.

Welcome to the
restaurant from The Bear.

We saved you our best table.

Joe, what-what
are you doing here?

Oh, I heard we were
doing a special episode,

so I decided to
drop in as my favorite

FX-next-day-on-Hulu character:

Raylan Givens from
Justified: City Primeval.

You can't just say
a bunch of words

and think they make a sentence.

Oh, you kidding
me? It's huge on Hulu.

Top 100 for sure. Easy.

At least top 200.

- Easy.
- Joe, get out of here.

I'm trying to get a baby
critic to like my wet beef.

Oh, I'm so sorry,
then just say that.

All right, good news, while
you two were messing around,

I tried all the food.

And I'm going to give a
great review to The Bear.

Okay, time-out.
What is "The Bear"?

Wha...? Is this
restaurant "The Bear"?

- Am I "The Bear"?
- I-I thought the idea was

restaurant ownership, you
know, more generally, is "a bear."

Oh, okay, all right,
that makes sense.

Chris, you've seen the show.

Who or what is "The Bear"?

Well, your last
name is "Berzatto,"

so "bear."

Okay, so it is me. I'm Bear.

People call me "The Bear"?

Yeah, they kind of don't though.

But in season two,
there's a restaurant

also called "The Bear."

All right, so I'm feeling
like you have not answered

my question at all,
but just so I'm clear:

I'm the main guy, right?

I-I'm the guy who sort of
looks like a hot Gene Wilder?

- Oh, does he?
- Yeah. Yeah, let's pull him up.

See, look at that,
can't you see,

like, a kind of
CrossFit Willy Wonka?

[Stewie] No, no, we're
not taking shots at hi.

He's an
FX-next-day-on-Hulu star.

Let's bring up the MyPillow guy.

[Chris] He looks like a guy
whose Discover card just bounced.

[Peter] Or a guy who
takes solo trips to Thailand.

[Cleveland] That guy your mom
dated too soon after the divorce.

[Joe] The driver's ed instructor
you've heard whispers about.

[Chris] He's definitely burned
his hand on a Benihana grill.

[Lois] The reason nine women
have just broken their silenc.

[Stewie] He looks like
he belongs in the front

and back seat of a police car.

[Joe] He looks like a guy
who boards in Group 3

even though he's in Group 8.

[Lois] He looks like a guy
who's not allowed to talk

to his wife's sister.

[Peter] Or a male
nurse that interrupts

a family's final moments.

Maybe this, maybe
this is "The Bear."

I don't get why you're dead-set
against doing this show.

What are you afraid of?

I don't know. I'm-I'm
just confused by all of it.

When I was a kid, it was
just ladies that cooked.

And guys with
tattoos lived on ships.

Okay? That's what
makes sense to me.

This has been Da Bear.

Well, we hope
you had fun tonight

with some of
Hulu's best offerings.

I know we sure did.

But before we go, let's
take a moment to remember

some of the streaming services
that are no longer with us.

♪ I will remember you ♪

(audience cheering)

♪ Will you remember me? ♪

(audience clapping)

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