Original subtitles

Good morning, my queen.

Good morning, Ding-Dong.

I think today can be a special one for you.

I think you're right, Pammy.

I found some backwash from this one.

N ice.

Come on, Dinger, I'm serious,

I sense a change coming, something for the better.

Pammy, you're the only thing that's good for me.

No, Dinger, something really good for you.

J ust be open to it.

So now you gotta go to the other guy, huh?

Hey, come on, sweetie. Don't be jealous.

You know you're my only fully-interactive fantasy.

J ust remember, carpe diem.

Carpe Diem.

God, I love it when you talk dirty to me.

You are the sexiest thing that's ever been on this beach.

We have waves, palm trees, man.

My kind of school.

Yo. Whoa, who, who's this babe right here?

H i, handsome. How are you?

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Yeah, you're no Aunt Carla. You got body karate.

That's Tasty.

And that's Doobie.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Those aren't names for good students.

You know the drill.

Free room, board and tutoring in exchange for some really hard work.

You could take a lesson from our resident surf pro,

but unfortunately, he's a little comatose these days.

You guys heard of Dinger Doolittle?

Dinger Doolittle, the former World Champ?

Yeah, the guy used to be my hero.

H m, now he'd be in Lindsay Lohan's hero.

H i, Carla.

H i, girls.

I see the boys are here.

Ve are going svimming now,

so maybe after you unpack you want to cool off? Ya?

Ya.

Okay, ve go unpack, yeah? Yeah.

We are going fishing for Swedish fish.

Twenty, twenty-one.

Ready to play?

Ready.

Ya, you boys are such good strong svimmers.

Yeah, vonderful.

You boys want to play pool game?

Yeah.

Strip poker!

That is not pool game.

Oh, with you and some plastic cards, it is.

Yeah.

I am I nga.

I am Rikki.

I can move.

No need.

As long as you let me read in peace.

You're not Swedish.

And you're not letting me read in peace.

Sorry.

We were thinking about playing Marco Polo. We against you.

U h, okay. And we come and grab you

Ya.

Okay, I'm in.

Yeah.

But I think this make the game more fun.

Ya?

Ya.

Oh.

Ya.

Ya.

Ya. Okay, let's play it.

I could ask them to stop.

You could, but you won't.

You're a surfer.

Not exactly in your character.

Bye.

Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

Marcol

Polo.

Marco.

Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

Marco?

Polo.

Marco?

Polo.

Marco.

Polo.

Marco.

Polo.

Whoa.

Was I just dreaming?

Are you knuckleheads ready to surf Costa Rica?

Whoo-hoo!

Bro', I think I saw a mermaid.

Dude, those waves are carved out of marble.

Dude, I can't believe how warm this water is.

Told yo, Costa Rica, baby,

I can't wait to meet Dinger.

Hans.

Looks like you've got a cocktail frank in there.

Or maybe it's a little wiener schnitzel.

No, get outta here. I'm serious.

You fuck-up. You.

I don't think Fed Ex even delivers a package that small.

Forget school and just surf.

Shred.

One day you'll learn about priorities, Tasty,

life's not just about catching waves.

Oh-ho.

That's the day that Doobie and I

say, check, please. We're going to pipeline heaven

in the sky. Thank you

It's like surf or die, brother.

Hey, guys. Let's go talk to Dinger Doolittle.

Ah, Dinger.

Hey, Ding-Dong.

I think today could be a special for one for you.

European men will no longer be allowed to wear Speedos on the beach.

Thank God.

'Cause if I see another banana hammock around here, I

I'll never eat fruit again.

Whoal Who the heck are you squids?

We came to meet... you.

We're helping out Carla.

Now, that's a woman that the Dinger

needs to get to know up close and personal

'cause she is one tasty tuna tartar.

She's a sexy salmon surprise.

J ust the classiest clam I've ever- Oh.

Who are you again?

I'm Kyle. Her nephew.

Oh. Magnificent woman.

U pstanding character.

I mean, I've never even thought about playing hiding the halibut with her,

or fondle the flounder, or grinding the grouper on her-

Okay. Got it. Got it.

Aunt Carla tell you about Brad the Butt-munching butt-muncher?

No. Who is that?

Some ex-surf pro's ass I used to kick on the reg.

Now he inherited all of his daddy's dinero and he bought up half this coast.

And you're aunt's falling behind on her payments.

That's why she needed the help.

Yep. Your Aunt Carla sure got her tit in a ringer.

What?

Whoa. That was just a metaphor.

I would never talk about your aunt's gorgeous guavas like that.

I mean, with the ample size of those merry melons,

I don't think I could even get 'em in a ringer.

What?

Who?

Hey, before Carla has a titty tantrum,

check out this shit I swiped from my dad.

Whoo-hoo!

All right. Home brewed.

Dad keeps it in the garage refrigerator at 38 degrees. Smell it.

Whoa.

Dude, it smells like gasoline and vomit.

Right?

Old school potent shit.

You know my dad used to be a pimp in the '7 Os?

N ice.

He said this would set him up for the takedown every time.

Yeah.

Would definitely take a girl down, that's for sure.

M ight kill one, too.

Yeah. Take it down treasure lane.

What do you two have on?

It's his dad's super pimp potion.

Well, it smells more like gasoline and vomit.

See, it just takes time

for it to work on hot babes like you, you know.

Honey, I don't have enough time in the day for that

Go shower before I hose you off myself.

Yeah, but how are you gonna go crazy for us with hot teacher desire?

Hamilton!

You wanna watch us take a shower?

I'm, you can do it later.

# Everything's gonna be alright

Sat back and close my eyes #

Hey, bro', sit down, man.

You know, you have real artists out there, huh?

Ripping it up. I can feel it. I can see it.

Man, that's what brought me here.

Six months ago, dude,

working at a Pizza H ut, making six bucks an hour.

And I came to this ledge, right, and looked down and it was a long way to go.

And I just-

I chose to fly, man.

And if I was to sit back on that ledge

and not jump,

I might have been waiting a lifetime.

And a lifetime's a long time to wait, bro'.

This is a conscious revolution.

And know this,

# Everything's gonna be alright

# Sat back and closed my eyes

# And found the reason why

# I chose to fly

# Some things just have to change

No, no, I said sell it. Man, it's hot here, huh?

Okay. So this is what I want, brother.

I want condominiums back here. Remove all this stuff.

Dinger Doolittle?

Remove him, please.

Do you understand?

Hey, Brad.

Got my rent check, bro'? I stuffed it in one of my bottles

and should be floating your way in a few days.

Couldn't we just build around this, sir? I mean-

No, no, no. Did you hear what I said?

I said, remove it all. Okay?

Dinger.

Pelican. 5: 00. Happy hour?

Beers on me, bro.

M r. Taylor.

Later.

Dick.

Come on, let's get back on top, Dinger.

Don't you think it's time to set some goals? Stop drinking, get a job?

You know, maybe a shower?

Jeez. Can't we just stick to the fantasy stuff, Pammy?

There's no need for you to go all Hasselhoff on me.

We make a good team, you and I, you know?

That's real romantic, Brad.

All right.

Let me get this straight.

I sleep with you,

I get to keep my motel. I don't, you foreclose.

God. You make me sound like such a beast.

You know what? Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

I mean, couldn't I maybe be a romantic good guy?

Couldn't I be a man who's crazy about you and sees a future together?

I mean, is it, is it that terrible to explore the possibility?

Is it?

U h-huh.

Everything all right here?

You need us to do some kung fu or anything like that?

Oh, we could totally take him down.

Pow.

You guys, everything is fine. This is Brad Taylor.

Brad Taylor?

That's right, man.

I had your poster. Potty trained my puppy on it.

Whoa.

That's Dickwad Taylor

Exactly.

Ha-ha. Compliments galore today, huh, boys?

You really are good, man,

you just managed to always lose to Dinger Doolittle.

Ah. And you must be the nephew?

Dinger Doolittle might have gotten lucky and won a few surf contests,

but he certainly didn't turn out too good in the end, now, did he?

I n fact, I think I can smell him on the beach from here.

Look, I don't wanna do this. I n fact, I would be ecstatic for you to keep this place.

Let me prove it to you over dinner tomorrow night.

Pick you up at 7: 00.

Come on. What do you say?

Fine.

Great decision!

You see boys? The good guys always win in the end. H mm.

Whoa. Dickwad was a good name.

If going to dinner with Brad Taylor

means that I get to keep this place

for another day, another minute,

that's a small price to pay.

I love this place.

Yeah, but he's such a jerk.

Tell me about it.

This place is cool.

It is cool.

J ust ask your mother about her hapless little sister.

I was a failure as a wife. I was a failure as a teacher.

Apparently I'm about to be a failure as a motel owner in paradise.

You haven't failed as my coolest aunt.

You've always been that.

Thank you.

I just wish being a cool aunt paid better.

All right. Enough about my miserable life.

Stanford, huh?

U h, mmm.

Is that about that surfing dream

that your parents are so relieved you gave up?

They're right.

I mean,

Dinger was the best and look what happened to him.

Can't get sidetracked trying to surf pro.

It's, it's Stanford.

It is Stanford.

But it's your life.

All right, I'm off to class.

You know, my friend,

I thought I couldn't reach my students before and they were on planet Earth.

You have sent me on a mission to Mars.

U h, I know.

Thank you.

Dinger, Brad is taking Carla to dinner tonight.

Brad? The butt-munching butt-muncher?

Yeah, he wants to foreclose the hotel if she doesn't, you know.

Play bury the barracuda?

Or tickle the tuna?

Dinger, she needs your help.

My help?

Yeah. Brad hates you because you kicked his ass on the surf tour.

Damn Skippy.

If you challenge him to a surf contest,

he'll accept no matter what the bet is.

I mean, look at you. He, he's gotta think

you can barely stand, much less surf.

Well, aren't you just the little ego-booster from hell.

You know what? Forget about me.

You challenge him to a surf-off,

bet the hotel, you win, she wins.

Why don't we just build a spaceship and go to Pluto?

Are you gonna help Carla or not?

Your Aunt Carla is a goddess.

I'd lay down my life for a woman like her.

And there's a time where she might even have noticed.

Maybe the time is now.

You're the reason I became a surfer.

Low blow, bro'.

Kid playing the hero card.

Too bad Dinger doesn't play cards.

You'd play a little strip poker with me, wouldn't you, honey?

We have time for a game or two.

It is getting awfully hot and this shirt is suffocating.

Oh, yeah, the girls look like they're over-heating.

You wanna play strip poker, I'll play strip poker.

Well, just take my hand, baby then we can play.

Go ahead. Take it.

I'm sorry, bro'.

I don't know what I'm thinking.

You know what though?

I'm in.

Okay, guys. I really don't have time for nonsense.

You wanna pass this test that'll allow you

to repeat your senior year at Malibu H igh, right?

Okay. Well, I've gone over all the material

and I think I could help you.

But you have to be willing and open to learn.

Hamilton?

I would be more open to learning

if you were more open to wearing a bikini to class.

Whoa.

I'd be down for, like, a G-string.

Okay. Lesson number one, boys.

If you ever say anything sexually related to me again,

you're on the first plane back home. Comprende?

Si.

And you, Richard.

You're gonna omit the word "whoa, " from your vocabulary.

Wh-

Nol One more time

and you're outta here.

I can see why you quit teaching, Ms. Terminator.

No wonder you and your friend are on the way to a special school.

You two are like the village idiots.

I'm sure it's really cool when you were young.

But right now, it's really pathetic.

She's a horrible teacher.

Whoa.

Chicks dig us, right?

Thanks.

Marco.

Okay. I guess I was a little-

Harsh?

J udgmental? Rude?

How 'bout focused?

How 'bout rudely focused?

I can live with that.

Okay. Truce.

I'm Eva.

I'm Kyle.

I know. Your aunt was raving about you.

So you're like a pro surfer, whatever that is?

I'm not really a pro.

I just graduated high school and, believe it or not,

I'm starting college in the fall.

Me, too. Where?

It's gonna kill your stupid surfer hypothesis.

Stanford.

Stanford?

That's too weird.

Don't tell me out of all the great bastions of academia,

you chose the same school as a stupid surfer boy?

Close. I'll be right down the road at Berkeley.

Neighbors.

Not a bad school.

H mm, it's no Stanford.

Okay. I'm an idiot. We already established that.

What about the truce?

Yeah.

I would like to apologize for yesterday.

I should have been more patient.

You hear anything?

I'm willing to give it another shot if you guys are.

But you have realize you've gotta change.

If you wanna go back to your high school, you have to wanna learn.

Wow.

Look, Brad.

There's not enough space for both of us in Costa Rica.

Heck. There's barely enough room for us in Central America.

Maybe adequate space in Europe.

I heard Antarctica's nice.

Dinger, you suck.

Okay, butt-muncher. You best be on the next wave outta here

'cause there's a new sheriff in town

and his name's Dinger Doolittle.

Brad?

Buddy?

You couldn't possibly lend me a few colones

just until payday?

A six-pack of I mperial?

You disgust me.

What happened to the real Dinger?

Where did he go?

I can't do this.

I can't do this. What happened?

Where is the real Dinger?

Oh. Looky who's here,

our favorite young men. Oh, ya.

We want to play today. You want to play with us?

Ya.

Ya? Vell, you should come by our room after breakfast, ya?

Ya.

I'll with you later, Rikard.

All right.

Ya.

Come on, dude. Enough with the nature watch.

Okay. We, we, we, we've gotta play it cool.

Like, uh, like Rico Suave.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Rico Suave.

Who is Rico Suave?

He's this Latin dude who gets, like, tons of babes.

All right. Let's go.

Hello?

W- w- We're here.

Oh. We'll be with you in one minute.

We are in panty heaven.

Hey, look at this.

Oh, so sorry.

We leave our laundry out. That is so rude.

Oh, how rude of us. We apologize.

It's- It's okay.

Oh, yeah. We won't tell anybody.

Good. You ready?

We are up here.

H uh?

They're just breasts.

You have nipples, we have nipples.

Oh, we like those better.

Okay, we go play now, ya?

Ya.

Ya. Ya.

Oh, ya.

Yeah.

So you boys know how much we like, uh, games, ya?

Ya. Ya.

And we know how much you American boys

like to see an older woman's body.

Ya.

Va, ve play strip games, ya?

Ya!

Oh, ya.

A movie? Two vord.

Second vord. U h, three syllables. First syllable.

Prayer. Gods,

uh, oh, it's second and third syllable.

Baby. Mother. Sounds like a mother.

It's a father. Ya. Oh, oh, oh. Godfather, The Godfather!

21 seconds, boys.

Your turn, boys.

All right. How do I look?

Wow, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

It's not too late. I could cancel.

I can call him that you have, like, jungle fever. Fatigue. Plague.

Honey, it's just dinner.

Hello, beautiful.

Whoo. Wow.

You look like the mother of my children.

Too early in the date to propose?

J ust a little.

What's up, Kyle?

Well, guess we should be going, yeah?

Wait, why the rush? I mean,

I have Brad Taylor here, surf legend.

You know, when you beat Slater in '97

with that 360 degree turn, man, that was epic.

Yeah. Yeah, it was, man.

I remember sitting out there with him waiting for a set.

You know, and I just felt it.

I turned to Kelly and I said,

"Second place isn't so bad. Enjoy it, fool. "

Yeah. You're really cool.

Thanks.

Well, you ready?

Yeah.

Not so fast, Brad.

What are you doing here, Doolittle?

Isn't it about time to fall down drunk again?

I'm here to call out the alleged surf champion.

That must eat you up inside.

No matter how many championships you've got,

you never won one against the Dinger.

Dinger, don't.

Because you quit, ran away, right into the bottle.

And you're still in it.

What do you want, wino?

I want you. One on one.

Surf-off. Three waves, one champion.

I hate to tell you this, but we're a little bit too old to play for fun.

What are you gonna bet? Your moldy mattress?

No.

If I win,

Carla keeps the motel.

Is he delusional? I mean, actually, that's a silly question.

And you, you eat the rest of that mortgage.

Look, this is ridiculous. Stop.

I know I don't deserve to love you right now,

and I'm a little down on my luck.

A little? Whoof.

But the Dinger's back. I am back.

Okay. All right. You're on, wino.

You win, I won't foreclose on Carla for a year.

I said-

That's the best you're gonna get.

But when I win, you leave Costa Rica forever.

We'll call it my, um, beach beautification project.

Leave Costa Rica?

Yeah. You know, go bye-bye?

This is ridiculous. Stop.

You're on, butt-muncher.

Fine. Two weeks from Saturday.

You got one chance to beat me and that's gonna take an act of God.

Let's go, Carla.

Please don't go.

I know you're not quite ready to just be with me,

but don't be with him.

Man, you gotta work on your pecs. You got man tits.

H m.

You need some Grecian for that grey, dude.

Ugh.

Ugh!

Oh, Dinger,

oh, that's foul.

Ah- Ah-

You're not just one big hair.

You know, I should have studied like you.

According to my ex-boyfriend, no one studies like me.

I guess that's why he's my ex-boyfriend.

Well, there's plenty more where that came from.

You're on vacation now.

I know. My cousins keep reminding me.

I just wish I could relax.

Well, we could hold you down and take your book.

I'm a black belt. It could get ugly. I fight like I study.

Kyle could give you a surf lesson.

Oh, you mean, the relatively attractive nephew

who you forgot to mention is going to Stanford?

I figured you would find out on your own.

He seems cool, but sorry. There's no love connection.

We're practically gonna be neighbors, you know.

Word spreads. I don't need that kind of trouble.

All right. Suit yourself. Study hard.

I feel cold, brah.

What? It's like 90 degrees.

Cold.

So cold.

Is that a white light?

A velvety white light?

I'm on the road to Shambala.

There's Jehovah. Hey, big Daddy.

Sweet robe.

Dinger's coming home to Papa.

Got any Cap'n Crunch around here?

Dinger, you're going to do this

you gotta go sober.

You're not gonna let Carla down, right?

Right.

Your hero's gonna need a little help on this one, brah.

I know. I'll help you.

I did good today, huh?

Yeah.

Except for blowing the chunks all over her.

Oh, God, you heard what I said about Carla.

I love you. I want you.

It's okay, honey. She's real. I understand.

You're real. So real.

You're my one and only love.

So what are you doing?

J ust walking with my beautiful aunt on the beach.

I mean, what are you doing?

Dinger shows up to challenge Brad, professes his love for me?

You're a believer, right? It's just the universe at work.

With a little help from you. Look.

I made this mess,

I don't think you and Dinger should get involved.

No, I think we should, I mean,

what do you want Dinger to do? J ust lie down on the beach drunk?

Kyle, he said he loved me.

So, he's got good taste.

Isn't your generation the one that believed love is all you need?

No, that's the generation before mine. M ine needs money.

This plan is silly.

Got anything better?

Oh, yeah.

Always good to use protection, Pammy.

Oh, yeah, rub it right there. Oh. Oh, yeah.

I think you missed a spot.

Oh, yeah, that's it, right there, baby.

It'd be much nicer to have a real girl do this for you.

Like Carla.

No, this is great.

Real is better.

Not when it's real versus Pamela Anderson.

Honey, I'm not really here, you know that?

Say what?

You create the fantasy. The reality is,

I'm at Little League game with my boys right now.

Stop it.

I think you can stop it.

But you look so good wet.

You have the prettiest skin.

Goofy.

Dinger.

Running in place, in slow motion,

won't help.

I feel the burn, brah.

Come on.

Okay.

That's... one.

You are killing me, Osama. What's next, waterboarding?

Ah!

Dinger, you got this.

You used to have the best balance in the world.

I don't know what you've been smoking lately, brah

But I'm with Ringling Brothers here.

What's next, a flying trapeze?

I mean, you might as well shoot me out of a cannon.

I'm back. Whoo-hoo!

Try and get these clothes off.

Ya!

Name the seven continents.

Pancho Villa.

Catalina.

Oh.

Explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity.

Define existentialism.

Freud's interpretation of dreams.

Keynesian Theories of Macroeconomic Management.

How much vood could a voodchuck chuck if a voodchuck could vood?

Show time!

It better be a big show.

It's so little.

If it'd be any smaller, it would be invisible.

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

He's hung like a hamster.

Stupid is no fun.

We don't take our clothes off for stupid American boys.

Yeah. Vhy don't you just take your honey buns out of my sight?

Take a long walk on a short pier.

Yeah. And vhile you're at it, take your cocktail vieners outta here.

Dude, I totally knew that woodchuck question, man.

Come on, work.

All right.

North America.

South America.

Antarctica.

Africa.

Australia.

What about Australia?

U h, nothing.

What's wrong, guys?

We really are idiots.

Idiots, with, like, a capital-

What's wrong? Your date with the Swedes didn't go very well?

We need to learn.

Not just so we can stay in our school,

but just so we're not pathetic kooks.

And, you don't even have to, like, seduce us

or anything like that, you know?

I mean, look, if you wanted to, you could.

But. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Oops.

Hey.

How's it going?

Okay.

Think you might have time for a surf lesson?

Thought you had to focus.

It's just a surf lesson.

I think I'm smart enough to learn how to do your little surf thing.

This has nothing to do with book smarts.

Please.

How hard can it be? Your brain-dead friends can do it.

Okay. I think I will give you that lesson in humility.

Okay. Wait a second.

I talked to your aunt.

She told me what you're trying to do with Dinger.

I think it's really cool.

I'm not trying to add to that frustration or anything, I promise.

I come in peace.

When you see that friendly little wave coming that you want

you align yourself up on the wave.

When you're paddling, you're basically gonna be doing a crawl stroke.

And coming over the top.

Got it.

All right.

Looks good.

And once you feel the glide,

you kinda do a push up like this.

Knees slightly bent,

arms out to the side for balance

and that's your first surf lesson.

Your turn.

Okay.

Feet off the edge of the board.

Nose out of the water.

Kick.

Paddle.

Think I got it.

That's good. J ust like a pro.

Well, that went well.

You actually did pretty good.

Paddling's looking good. Balance is nice.

It's all good.

I'm just not ready.

It's okay.

So, do you guys understand what Dickens' Tale of Two Cities is about?

Yeah. Kind of about us.

It's about you and Richard?

Well, the guy in the book, Sidney, he loves Lucy,

but Lucy loves Charlie.

And that is, like, pretty much, like, the story of our lives.

See, the babes that we love, usually love someone else.

Okay, good. I mean, not good, but-

Dickens was exploring the concept of unrequited love,

when you love someone and they don't love you.

You guys really got it.

Come on, Dingerl You're almost herel

Can't I just enroll in Jenny Craig?

Or take a Jazzercise class?

Come on.

Come on, baby, into my arms.

I'm coming, sweetheart

You can't tell me this isn't for real.

Dude, this is gay.

Dinger!

Have a good surf, bro'. Get 'em.

Wow.

Wow. Back to tease me?

No, just watching him surf.

I remember watching you in Hawaii. You were amazing.

That was a long time ago.

Not so long. I see the way he looks at you.

He remembers. They all do.

You know, Pammy, for a fantasy girl,

you can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

How about a little less pressure and a lot more suntan oil?

Okay, okay. But maybe this whole thing, you know, the changes, the challenges

maybe this is your fantasy. Not me.

U h, that would be a no, Dr. Anderson.

You're my fantasy.

Well, we are making some progress.

We just had an entire conversation without you trying to grope me.

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, Pam. Finally, Pam. Oh, oh, oh.

Hey, Dinger. Spring.

Ugh!

Dingerl

You tease!

Putol

Oh, Ernesto.

Lo siento mucho.

I'm sorry, brah.

I'm hallucinatin' from this sober thing.

You look exactly like Pammy though.

Do you mind if I sit down?

Take a seat.

Things going any better with Dinger?

No.

So,

what's in your brain that has to change?

Don't you have some studying to do?

I'm a surfer now. Remember?

Sometimes it's easier to tell a stranger, or a near stranger.

I'm just thinking about maybe putting off Stanford.

I always dreamed of surfing pro.

I don't wanna look back on life and have any regrets.

But I don't wanna turn out like Dinger either.

You're not him.

You don't think it's crazy?

I should, I guess.

But I don't.

Watching you surf,

it's beautiful.

I mean, it's a gift.

I thought I'd be the last person to see it that way.

But, look.

I've been studying fanatically since I can remember.

And I guess maybe it's not so bad to take a break.

Maybe it doesn't forever damn you

into a future in fast food.

So, not to change the subject, but I kinda have an idea.

Are you crazy?

Setting your cool aunt up on a date with Dinger Doolittle?

Maybe you'll inspire him. I mean, he is risking everything for you.

It's more of a Don Quixote approach.

You're Dulcinea and he's your knight errant.

He deserves an audience.

Don Quixote was insane, as is Dinger.

I nsane is a little extreme.

I'd say he's more eccentric.

Right!

Since when did the two of you

become a tag team?

Aren't you supposed to be studying or something?

I believe a wise and beautiful hotel owner

once told me to take a study break.

Come on, it's just dinner.

He's willing to give up his home for yo

I really think that we should cancel this whole thing.

I mean, he can't, he can't possibly win, can he?

He's a four-time world champion.

He's got a chance.

All he needs is a little time.

Your time.

The two of you are too smart for your own good, and for mine.

Okay. My typical first date.

Maybe we shouldn't use me as a model.

Let's take a slightly different approach.

J ust be yourself, you know,

the non-perverted part of yourself that won't try to jump her bones.

God, I want you so bad.

Kid, figuratively speaking.

Look, Dinger.

If you want any chance with a woman like Carla,

you're gonna need some updating.

And you're gonna be doing this updating?

Me and my two Swedish cousins.

Swedish cousins. Wow.

Are you guys gonna be wearing something like G-strings

for my updating comfort?

Maybe, uh, after this updating you'll hit on someone other than me.

So, this Plato isn't the stuff made out of clay.

It's a Greek guy, a philosopher.

Good job, Hamilton.

And, he believed

in inherent intelligence.

And that we were born knowing all the stuff that we need to know.

We just have to call on it.

We're, like, smart as Asian kids.

You guys, I'm really proud of you. You're working really hard.

So, I hear you have a big date tonight. Oh.

Oh, no, no. It's not a date.

Well, don't let him get to second base

without finishing the shrimp cocktail.

Shrimp cocktail.

Look, I'm just not in the mood.

Well, that's a surprise.

Don't take offense or anything. You're still my Pammy, right?

If you say so, honey.

I'll just leave you alone,

maybe just head down the beach and go skinny-dipping.

You're testing me.

You're testing me.

Dinger, we got to train.

I am training, bro'.

For what, the next life?

I n a matter of speaking, yes.

Maybe I'm praying for you to loosen up.

I've seen you surf.

You could be great.

You just gotta let it flow.

But when I win, you leave Costa Rica forever.

I know.

Are you gonna help Carla or not?

I know what matters.

It's okay, honey. She's real. I understand.

When you love someone and they don't love you.

Mind over matter.

Maybe the time is now.

You know, go bye-bye.

You just gotta let it flow.

Oh I What's that? Ow I Oh.

How's it going?

U m, well,

let's just say no felony charges yet.

A few misdemeanors maybe.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

No, don't. Give Kyle my stuff.

Oh.

Oh I

He wanted me to give you this stuff. I found it in his hair.

I'd give you the plate, but we're going through his underarm hair now

and I'll probably need it.

All right.

Yeah. He likes Britney Spears.

Don't lose my Britney, Baby One More Time.

You owe me another surf lesson after this.

You got it.

Mom, helpl

U h, I should probably get back to that.

Good luck.

I wanna go back to the beach I

Oh, my God. You look amazing.

Thank you.

All right. If this goes bad, I'm gonna kill you, you know that, right?

Come on. J ust give it a chance. You might like him.

I think you will.

You know when I first moved here about 12 years ago I, I

met Dinger Doolittle and he was the resident surf god.

He was something.

I mean, not my type, of course.

Of course.

He was a stupid surfer.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Dinger, is that you?

I think so. Can't be a 100 percent,

but, it sure bears a resemblance.

U h, you, you look-

H uman again?

U h, you look great.

Well, you look amazing without my vomit all over you.

Oh.

Here's a peace offering for blowing the chunks.

That, these grow up by my house.

Mattress.

Thank you. That's very sweet.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Yeah.

You kids be back early.

We'll be waiting.

We vant to apologize.

Yeah, we were rude. You are not so stupid.

Ya. Come. Ve vill play.

Ya.

Ve go skinny dip, ya?

Oh, ya.

We're trying not to be so stupid.

Yeah.

We'll pass.

Bro', put it in the books. I'm gonna split the atom one day.

Hey, we have to review Stalin's reign of terror, too.

Oh, yeah.

Vat if we said

that ve do go skinny-dipping.

So you can see our hooters, ya?

Ya. Maybe touch. Ya?

Ha. We'll take a rain check.

Okay. Ve show you now.

Dude, I found a dangling participle right here.

Oh!

Was that a dream?

You did an amazing job. I can't believe it's him.

Thanks.

You don't have to be doing this, you know.

You could be studying.

I think I needed a study break.

What's going on with you and this bet, Dinger?

I mean, I appreciate the sentiment, but it's wrong.

It feels right to me.

It's not your problem, it's mine.

What if helping you with your problem helps me with mine?

Look, I don't wanna be like I've been.

I can't.

And if this is the reason to change, you,

it's as good as any.

Better.

Thanks for doing this with me, Carla.

Thank you. I had a really nice time.

Really?

Really.

Oh, wow.

Someone's smiling.

I'm not doing this with you guys.

Come on.

Okay.

Let's kick butt-muncher's butt.

Come in. Ve want to play.

Please, we're studying.

Well, study anatomy. Ours.

Dude, I can't concentrate here.

Yeah, let's leave these aquatic recreational facilities.

Come on, Dinger.

Please, let him get up.

Two words.

Okay. First word.

That's it, Richard. Okay. U m,

two syllables.

Excellent! Yes.

All right.

M iss Dante.

Yeah?

Oh, come on, girls. Get outta here!

Hey, what's up, brah?

My God.

Carla.

Hey.

You wanna talk to me?

Yeah, um,

Look, everybody in town knows that I have rooms available

and I think it's only right that you have one.

Stay here?

I n an actual room?

Yes.

And sleep in the bed?

With sheets?

Yes.

And use the bathroom?

Yes, you can even use the shower if you want.

And the soap?

Yes.

Well, Carla, you know, this is kind of a surprise to me.

You wanting me to move on so fast and all.

I mean, I had a great time on our date.

And the kiss was certainly erotic.

But you know a guy usually has to play a little hard to get.

You're asking me to be your live-in boy toy.

No. I am offering you a room.

Not my room.

Yes or no.

Yes.

Okay.

Oh!

A bed. With sheets.

Yeah.

Light!

Yeah! Light!

Okay. You can let go of me now.

God. She really loves me, doesn't she?

Love is a little strong.

I would say it's more,

more of a like.

Love, like, they all start with the letter L, right?

Yeah, that they do.

All righty then.

Wow, there's water in this toilet.

Oh, man. Soap.

Soap.

Was I really your hero once?

Yeah.

Look, Big Brah.

I never asked you for anything.

And it's not like I'm asking for that much now.

Maybe just a little karma.

You're not coming home tonight?

Well, she offered and I felt kinda obligated.

I mean, it can't hurt the filly.

It's just one night. I'll be back, Pammy.

Good night, Dinger.

Good night.

He's close.

Eva, the competition is tomorrow.

Close means Dinger leaves here forever.

Close means Carla loses the hotel.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Maybe a little scared.

Well, a little scared is normal.

You know, I wanted to apologize to you, Pam.

For what?

For treating you like a fantasy all these years.

You know, an object.

The hottest object in the history of mankind.

I mean, those 11 Playboy covers confirm that.

It's 13.

Anyway, the truth is

while most of us are scared to death of love,

you at least give it a chance.

You take your boys to Little League games.

You rescue animals.

You've been the best friend a lost soul could ever have.

Thank you, Dinger.

I have to go.

I know.

I could call it off.

No. We're ready.

The legend returns, right brah?

Look, Dinger, you don't have to do this.

A hero's more than a sandwich, kid.

Look at you guys.

You all look like Lindsay Lohan without a beer.

Come on. Have some faith.

Tomorrow the Dinger rides again.

J ust like that Plato dude said.

It's all inside me, right?

Yeah.

And Carla.

Yeah?

I wrote a song. Do you mind if I play it?

Sure.

Oh.

# It's me and my friends I n Costa Rica today

# Come to catch a few waves And maybe get laid

# My Aunt Carla She taught us new ways

# Two Swedish chicks Teasing us

# Titties in our face

# Kyle digs Eva, Green-eyed blond With the brains

# It's me and my friends I n Costa Rica today

# My boy, Doobie

# Sure loves the reefer

# But now He quotes Shakespeare,

# Dickens and Queen Latifah

# Dinger winning

# We thought was history

# Believing in him Will lead him to victory

Whoooo

# I love my family I n Costa Rica

# This is my family I n Costa Rica

# This is my family-

Wow.

What a tender moment for a bunch of losers

on the verge of complete annihilation.

So, Carla, I heard about your little date.

You really that hard up you have to do a makeover on the wino?

I'd leave now, butt-muncher.

You're the only one leaving, Doolittle.

And I'm sure with a little bit of luck,

you'll soon have your very own shopping cart in downtown Detroit.

After I destroy your drunk boyfriend,

my lawyer will begin foreclosing on your little hotel.

You had your chance, baby.

You blew it.

Wow. Congratulations, Brad.

That was perhaps the best dick speech in the history of all dicks.

Which is appropriate 'cause your fly's open.

That's right. Made you look.

You guys get a good night's sleep.

'Cause tomorrow, you and your girlfriend lose everything.

Oh, that's right. You do have that one chance.

Yeah. I remember.

That's right.

# This is my family I n Costa Rica

You know, Brad.

You should be real careful with karma.

It can bite you in the ass.

Pearls of wisdom from the wino.

Well, well. You and your sorry-ass entourage have actually shown up

Let's keep this simple so even you can understand

Three waves, best two out of three wins.

Translation? After two quick rides, you leave Costa Rica forever.

Now, can you tell my beautiful friends what happens if I win?

Yeah, yeah, of course. If there happens to be an act of God,

Ms. Dante here will not have to pay her mortgage for one year.

You sober enough to begin?

Let's do this.

Thanks for everything, brah. You okay?

Yeah.

You can do this.

The legend returns.

Come on, fatso.

After you, Brad.

Come on, Dingerl Okay, Dinger, come on. You can do it I

Ah-ha-ha. You better pray, Doolittle.

What's he doing out there?

J ust wait. It's cool, man.

What's he doing?

Great. He's praying again.

Whoa. Wha- What's going on?

This doesn't look good.

Think God's crying.

Whoal Whoal

Oh!

Di- did you see that lightning bolt?

Oh.

He just got struck by lightning.

I'll save you, Brad I

Help.

Grab my board.

Oh, my God.

Don't worry, everyone. He's not dead.

M iss Dante? We don't have to know anything

about supernatural phenomenas for the exam, do we?

Anyone wanna help him?

I think he shit his pants.

Whoo-hool

You did it!

We did it, brah!

You did it!

No way. The Dinger's back.

Is that what you were praying for?

Yes, and you were in there, too, brah.

I'm gonna need a surf coach if I go pro.

You got it.

I know I didn't beat him the way I used to back in the day,

but I still won for the woman I love.

That's what they call unrequited love. Dickens wrote about that.

Yeah, that's when you love somebody

but they don't love you back.

That might not apply here, boys.

Sorry about that. I just wanted to say goodbye.

God, I'm so proud of you.

Well, you always wanted that kiss.

Is that all you got, Dinger?

Not even close!

Book. U h, Seven words.

First word.

Okay. One syllable.

Prayer. Prayer. U h, uh, chicken.

U h, hen, hen. Okay. Sounds like,

uh, Zen. Zen. All right. U h, second word, second word.

Enough! We give up.

Enough I

We, we respected your minds.

Yes. So now, ve give to you our bodies. Ya?

U h, if I remember correctly, I think you guys called us

uh, stupid Americans?

You're on the lame train. We've seen this show before.

You boys like to go motor boating?

Ya.

Oh, yeah, we love you boys.

Come on.