Original subtitles

Happy birthday, Andy. Go on, make a wish.

I wish to write the great Canadian novel

by the time I'm 35.

And you will, but don't say it out loud,

or it might not come true.

Where's your mother?

Andrea! The boy's just about to blow out his candles!

Rollie!

- You all right? - It's time!

It's happening, is it?

OK, uh, I'm coming!

I can't believe it! I'm gonna have a new son!

Wait, Daddy! What about my party, and opening my presents?

Andy, you are just about to get a new baby brother.

Can't ask for a better present than that.

Dear Lord!

For the new baby boy.

* Di da di da di da, di da di da di da *

And for the record...

Whoa, what was it, 15? That's it.

- Dear God, Dad! - Yeah.

Ah!

You guys ate breakfast without me?

I knew I was forgetting something.

Go and have a seat, Andy. It's your brother's birthday.

Da-da-da-da! Finally, my boyhood is behind me.

Yeah, well, you're still a boy in my book.

I mean, you do cry while you're having your hair cut.

Well, they cut too much. It's not what I asked for.

It's never what I asked for.

Are we forgetting anything?

- Um... - Uh...

Well, family gathering, pancakes.

Uh, Mark's birthday's stocking's up. I don't think so.

It's my birthday too.

Oh?

It's my birthday too.

Mark and I were born on the same day.

No!

Wait, are you sure?

'Cause you seem more like a winter birthday boy to me.

I think I know when my birthday is, Dad.

I just think this is terrific.

Andy, would you like some birthday pancakes?

They're chocolate chip.

I'm allergic to chocolate.

- Really? - What?

Like you're some kind of dog.

That's OK. I'll just take out the chocolate pieces.

It'll look like a hungry little mouse got at it.

There you go. Problem solved.

Right. We got to party to crack on with.

Obviously, it was designed just for Mark,

but now it can be for the both of you.

So that's all right, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess.

There's that joyless submission to fate

we've all grown to love and cherish.

Good lad. Right, come on.

15 pancakes.

Yeah, that was a lot.

- Surprise! - Surprise!

- Oh my goodness! - See? It's a surprise party.

How long have you guys been waiting out here?

'Cause we just had, like, a full breakfast.

A very long time.

You see, uh,

I missed so many of your birthdays when you were growing up,

I just wanted to make up for some lost time.

Go and have a seat.

Hey, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention.

If you could all take a seat, please.

Thank you for being here today to celebrate Mark's birthday.

Oh, and as some of us have recently discovered, Andy's.

Now, the one thing that these two boys had in common

when they were kids was a love of magic.

Isn't that true?

Actually, yes. Yes, it was.

And so, with that in mind,

I have hired a local magician to astound us all.

Please welcome Quantum the Unyielding.

Thank you! Thank you!

Hello, friends.

I am Quantum the Unyielding,

formally Quantum the Spectacular,

but recently changed due to the darkest spell of them all,

copyright infringement.

That's a good joke.

Look at our two birthday boys surrounded by their friends.

You know, they say friendship is the most valuable thing.

But I think it's actually

gold.

Oh my goodness!

Magic is real.

You know, if you clean behind your ears,

you could get rich.

I will keep that in mind.

Your ears also look a bit dirty,

but it's not gold back there.

Hang on.

What?

How did that get back there?

Oh my goodness. Andy!

You were probably saving it for later.

Aren't you a kids' magician?

Oh yes, I should clarify that I did select

the, uh, Quantum Adult option.

I think we're seeing what that means.

You're goddamn right.

For my next trick, a classic with a deck of cards.

Please, sir, select a card.

Mm. There we go.

Memorize it. Show it to the gathered throng.

Replace it in the deck.

I shall shuffle the cards, place them here on this table,

and with but a snap...

Sir, check inside your jacket pocket

and reveal the chosen card.

Oh, Mike!

- How did that get in there? - It's another dildo!

Yeah. This isn't mine, this isn't mine.

No judgment, sir. Nobody's kink-shaming anybody.

To each his own. Right, everyone?

- To each his own. - It's not my kink, though.

I mean, it's not...

- I mean, it's fine if it's- - Now, for my final,

most spectacular effect,

I will reveal that, at this very moment,

this man has hidden about his person

an unfathomable number of dildos.

OK, I'm done. I'm good.

- Excuse me, excuse me. - Oh, come on, Andy!

It's funny. Where are you going?

- For a walk. - Oh, Andy, come on, man!

Don't do that!

Oh my goodness, would you look at this?

There's a dildo right on his chair, where he was sitting!

How did you do that?

Magic, dear friends, magic.

What a triumph!

You look like a fellow with a lot on his mind.

Oh, I didn't see you there.

Yeah, it happens sometimes. Gotta work on my signage.

So what's wrong, friend?

You've got a face longer than an Austrian crescent.

That's a type of potato.

It's my birthday today.

Oh, happy birthday.

Thank you, thank you. Actually, no one really remembered.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Just once, I'd like to be the center of attention.

In the good way, you know, not the bad way.

Right, right. Well, what's the bad way?

I don't know, people pointing at me, laughing at me.

- Laughing at you, sure. - Pulling dildos from my ear.

Yeah, all right, is that...

- OK. - Yeah, yeah.

Well, listen, man, if, uh,

if you wanna talk, I'm here for ya.

But looks like someone else might wanna have a chat too.

What up, what up!

Hey, man. You took off.

What are you doing? Buying some potatoes?

What are you doing here?

I brought you some cake.

Is that chocolate?

Yeah. Why?

Oh, right. You don't like chocolate.

- I'm allergic! - You're allergic.

You're allergic, that's right.

Hey, check out my new shirt. Dad got it for me.

Also, the scooter.

I'm already learning how to do tail whips.

You wanna try it out?

I don't care about your stupid scooter.

Just leave me alone, OK?

OK, methinks we're talking about more

than just the scooter here.

Yeah, yeah, maybe. Uh, I don't know.

You don't get it, up until I was four,

my birthday was just about me, and then you come along,

and all of the sudden I have to play

second fiddle to Markieboy, and I am tired of it!

- That's not fair. - No! I am tired of it, Mark.

I mean, maybe if I hadn't been shat on for 30 years,

I could've amounted to something.

Maybe you could've been a contender.

- Yeah. - You know what the truth is?

The truth is, my life would've been better

if you'd never been born.

What did you just say to me?

I said I wish you were never born!

Wow. OK.

Well, someone just talked his way out of the cake.

Ah, who am I kidding? You can have the cake.

I'm allergic to the cake!

- Thanks, Andy. Really nice. - No!

Well, it's all right, son.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Dad?

How did I get here? Where's Mark?

It's good to see you awake, Mr. Tennesen.

How are you feeling?

Where's my brother? Where's Mark?

Andy, you haven't got a brother.

What's a "Mark"?

All right, if this is some practical joke,

and Mark and the magician

are gonna jump out with some dildos, please just tell me.

Andy, who are you talking about?

Mark! You know, Mark.

Everybody loves him. He doesn't have a job.

He just kinda floats through life.

Andrew, please, would you listen to what you're saying?

How would this Mark even sustain a living?

What's more likely is you really hit your head

hard in that accident and you're confused, all right?

Now, fortunately, I have the cure right here.

A loving father.

Plus some pills, which I'll prescribe.

I'm glad you're all right. I'll see you soon.

Hey. You got me worried.

Oh, pardon me.

How are we feeling here, hmm? Better?

Oh, I'm fine, I just...

You're that potato salesman.

Hey.

What's going on here?

Well, you made a wish, Andy. Remember?

A wish? When did I make a wish?

You wished that Mark had never been born.

And here we are, in a Mark-free world.

Literally. The name Mark doesn't even exist.

You know who invented Facebook in this world?

No.

Huey Zuckerberg.

- Huey? - And he looks the exact same.

He still looks, like, kind of like a deer

that wants to take your soul.

You know, with his eyes way over here.

I don't understand. Wishes don't come true.

Oh, they do on your birthday.

No, they don't.

Nah, they don't. I'm just messing with you.

- Yeah. - I'm an angel.

You're an angel?

And I am here to show you what life would've been like

had your brother never been born.

So let's just pop those slippies on

and go on a little adventure.

But I should warn you, Andy, you may not like what you see.

Hold on a sec. So God is real?

Oh, uh...

Yeah, we're not gonna, we're not gonna get into all of that.

Let's just say that I'm an angel,

and we will leave it at that, OK?

- OK. - Cool?

- Yeah. - Here we go!

Is this my home?

Sure is.

This is literally out of my dreams. This is my dream home.

Yeah, well, you designed it.

But look closer and you- you may start

to see cracks in this perfect facade.

What are these?

Hmm?

Are these literary awards?

Oh, yeah.

Oh my god, is this a Coastie,

the award for the best Canadian novel

from the east or west coast, but not the middle?

Uh, sure, man. I don't know.

Is that a real thing?

Yeah, I guess that seems to be what it is.

That must mean I'm a published author.

"The Husks of Harvests Past" by Andrew C. Tennesen.

I did it. I actually published a novel.

What a title!

Yeah, yeah, you wrote a best-selling novel,

and yes, it's being optioned for a movie.

Directed by Tobey Maguire? I didn't even know he directed.

Yeah, in this reality,

he got into directing instead of acting.

Something about Mark being born and the butterfly effect.

Hold on a second. Molly and I are married?

Yes, and that's actually a great place to start,

because where is she?

You know, why didn't she visit you at the hospital, hmm?

Trouble in paradise, that's why.

And notice anything missing here, in this little photo, hmm?

No Mark?

No

Mark.

Just to reiterate, in this reality,

your dear brother Mark does not exist.

This probably seems cool, right, all of this?

Yes, it does.

Well, think again.

I'll show you how uncool it is

by taking you to your party.

- What party? - Your first birthday party

without your brother.

Yes, my friend.

Yes, I'm referring to a party

without Mark.

, dude, I was supposed to do, like, a...

- One sec. - OK.

What the hell did I do there?

I'm trying to do, like, a magic thing.

Without Mark!

Goddammit. One second, one second.

What did I do wrong?

- Uh, uh, uh. - OK.

Angel power. All right.

All right.

Is it the turn? Are you turning the right way?

Tick, tick.

A party...

I feel good about this one.

Without Mark.

Wow! Magic!

OK. Enjoy your party, Andy!

Hey, can I get a drink?

Not a waiter. Not a waiter.

Andy! How's my favorite client?

Hey, Ruth. Client?

Good one!

But seriously, if I find out you're looking at other agents,

I will sue you for all you're worth.

This is a great party, by the way.

Hey, did you know that the mayor's here?

Travis?

Butterfly effect. * Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday, dear

To the best damn writer in history.

Eat your heart out, Clark Twain.

* Happy birthday to you

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen,

I should like to propose a toast to my one and only son.

There comes a time in every parent's life

when their child must pull away

and focus on his own life and his own career.

It can be humbling, it can be very sad, or so I've heard,

because Andy and I have never been closer.

You are my best friend. I love you, son.

And to quote a great author,

"As the husks dry and the seeds are scattered by the wind,

another harvest gives way to the winter.

But take comfort, friends, for spring is coming."

"The turning of the Earth is all."

To Andy!

Did I write that? That's beautiful!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we have a rather large carrot cake here.

The best cake in the world. Much better than chocolate.

Hey, birthday boy.

Let's get the party started, if you know what I mean.

* Party rock is in the house tonight *

* Everybody, just have a good time *

* And we're gonna make you lose your mind *

* Everybody, just have a good, good, good *

There you are.

Oh, gee! Oh, God!

Hey there, Andy. How's it going?

You looking for someone else?

Yeah, I was just coming out to see this woman that I-

Oh, yeah, yeah. The woman who, uh, isn't your wife?

It's not like I was gonna hook up with her.

Oh, come on! Yes, you were!

I'm an angel. I know what you were gonna do.

So how's the party going, hmm? Having a good time, Andy?

Honestly, it is, like, the best night of my life.

- Oh, it is? - It's incredible!

Yeah? What's been your favorite part so far?

Is it almost cheating on your wife?

Or maybe hanging out with all those fake friends

who only like you for your fame and your money?

OK, sure, fine, maybe it's not the best behavior,

but did you see my other life?

I mean, that's a requirement-

Man, listen to yourself!

You wished your brother out of existence.

All right, fine! It's not like I killed him, OK?

It's just, he never existed.

I mean, you could argue that this is just an extension

of Kant's categorical imperative, you know what I mean?

Like, if you actually think about it-

Shut the up!

- What? - Shut up!

Shut your mouth right now.

An angel can swear? You're an angel!

An angel can do whatever the he wants, always!

I could kick a dick across the moon, man. I'm an angel.

- Fine, you can swear, OK? - I do whatever I want!

- Congrats. - And what I want

is to teach you a lesson

about how much you love your brother deep down.

And somehow, with all my power, I haven't managed

to get that through your thick, thick skull, pig.

So too bad, so sad. We're going back.

- No! - Man, TBH,

I haven't had a lesson go this south on me since Dahmer.

You give a guy one taste of human flesh

just to show him how bad it is...

I am not going back, OK?

Why would I let you stay here?

The do coke and have sex with everything that...

You're choking.

Angels can choke.

Oh.

OK.

OK, technically, I didn't kill him. I just let him die.

- Mr. Tennesen. - It was an accident!

It was an accident!

Happy birthday!

Hope I'm not too late for the party?

You're here for the party?

Yeah. Oh!

Oh, sorry about the cherries.

I mean, they just help me get places fast.

- Come on in. - All right, all right.

Hold on a minute.

I didn't get you your birthday gift.

Ha! You hold right there.

I'll turn these cherries off, get them out your face.

Ho ho ho!

Ah.

It's a shovel.

Yeah.

I mean, now, you never know when something like this

is gonna come in handy, right?

It's perfect.

I keep one in my trunk all the time.

Looks to me like you got yourself a big trunk right there,

so why don't you just put it-

That's all right.

- We could just put it- - Please.

Why don't we just put it in?

You know what? I'll- I'll- I'll just- I'll just put it in.

It's OK.

That's a dead body in your trunk.

It's not real.

What the hell is that-

I'm sorry. I couldn't come up with a plausible excuse.

Oh god! I'm sorry!

Hey, buddy, what's up?

Ruth, Ruth, you gotta help me!

The police are after me and there's a dead body in my trunk.

OK, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Here's what you need to do. Hang up and delete my number.

- See ya! - Hello? Ruth?

Dammit! Oh my god!

I wish I'd never jumped in front of that stupid car.

That's it. The car!

I wish I was back home!

Angel?

No. You're under arrest for murder, Andrew Tennesen.

Say goodbye to your perfect life.

What? No, no, no, no!

It wasn't me, it was an angel.

None of this is real!

OK, son, just keep going.

Take it easy out there, Mr. Tennesen.

And happy birthday.

This is where it all went wrong.

I never should've made that stupid wish.

So you finally learned your lesson, huh?

Only took you 15 years.

- You! - Yeah, hey, man.

But I- I watched you die.

Well, angels can't die, you know?

Certainly not from choking on cake.

I could breathe cake if I wanted to.

Don't want to, but could.

Guess your life with Mark seems pretty cool now, huh?

You know, I tried to teach you all of this in a day,

but I guess some people need 15 years behind bars before-

I'm gonna kill you!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, there he is.

Andy's back in the room.

Ah!

Dad?

Ruth?

- Bryn. - Bryn, Bryn.

I'm young again. I'm young again!

Yeah, well, I wouldn't say young.

Mark! Oh, it's you!

I am so, so sorry for all those

terrible things I said to you.

Get your hands off of me, man.

Oh, it's a miracle!

Yeah, it's a miracle your brother didn't die

when you pushed him in front of that car.

Yeah, but then I pushed him out of the way of the car.

Not that that makes me a hero.

It doesn't. No one said that.

The important thing is you didn't kill your brother,

even though you sorta tried.

I'm sorry. I really am sorry.

You stay here and think about it.

Meanwhile, let's take Markie for some lovely ice cream.

OK. I earned it by being good.

Mark, Mark, Mark!

What?

I really am sorry.

Are you?

Yeah.

All right. Bring it in.

Oh! What the hell was that doing back there?

OK. Let's go get that ice cream.

Yeah, all right.

See you later, Andy!

Have fun.

What flavor you getting, Bryn?

Plain.

* You can make your life a misery if you try *

* You can take a smile and change it to a sigh *

* But why not throw off that shroud *

* And then look beyond the cloud *

* 'Cause there's an awful lot of sunshine in the sky *

* Di da di da di da, di da di da di da *

* Yes, there's an awful lot of sunshine *

* In the sky