Original subtitles

- Okay. - Oh.

Ruth, this thing weighs a ton.

Well, a large energy crystal

can pack a very powerful punch, Rollie?

I guess it's true what they say, size does matter.

Oh my God, Ruth.

Oh, my goodness.

Dad, what are you doing?

What am I doing?

Oh, I'm just playing a quick game of tennis

with Venus Williams here.

Alright, Venus.

I don't understand the joke.

Dr. Green said you shouldn't be doing

any strenuous activity.

Put that down.

I can't just put this down anywhere.

A poorly-placed crystal is a...

What's it, Ruth?

Weapon in the hands of the universe.

It's a weapon in the hands of the universe.

Dad, don't tell me you're falling for that crap.

It's not crap, Andy.

A lot of very cool celebs are into crystals.

Spencer Pratt, from "The Hills."

Heidi Pratt, from "The Hills."

And that's just two of the cast members from "The Hills."

All right, you know what, Dad?

- I'm fine, Andy. - Let him do it, Andy.

Please, please. Geez.

Come on.

Ho, ho, hoo.

Dad? Dad?

Rollie?

- Oh. - Is this a prank?

Are you guys pranking me?

This is not a prank, Andy.

Dad, are you having a heart attack.

Of course, I'm having a heart attack, you massive tit.

Oh God, he's mad at me. Something's wrong.

He's mad at me. Something's wrong.

Okay, I'm gonna call an ambulance.

Wish had some rose quartz or aventurine.

Oh.

Peridot, that would be perfect.

- Ruth! - Yeah, go on.

* Da-da-di-da-di-da da-da-di-da-di-da *

Okay, so it appears your father

suffered another heart attack.

Now, that's eight in the past 12 months,

which actually is one away from the provincial record.

So, I could get him there if you want.

Eight heart attacks in a year?

I mean, how is he still alive?

Quit grilling me.

But seriously, I have no idea.

Okay, all right.

So, what is the plan here?

Obviously, we have to make some changes,

- Right? - Oh, don't worry.

I've consulted my crystal manual

and let's just say we'll be seeing a lot more

red jasper around the house.

- Oh. - Okay.

Ruth, Dad needs some actual medical attention.

Maybe a home care worker, right Dr. Green?

A home care worker could help, but-

But what?

Red jasper is a great stone.

Isn't it though?

I honestly love that stuff.

Really soothing.

That's exactly what I

- was saying to her. - You were saying that.

Oh, okay, yeah.

You guys, okay, let's get this place clean.

June is gonna be here any minute.

Bryn, Mark, you wanna help?

No, thank you.

Yeah, we're not gonna do that.

We're gonna keep working on Bryn's graphic novel,

which is called?

"Wolf Daniel."

"Wolf Daniel."

Look at that guy. He's frigging jacked, eh?

Andy, this is a complete waste of time.

I do not need some nurse maid,

hovering about, waiting to change my diaper.

I've got Ruthie for that.

He doesn't wear a diaper.

Dad, give her a chance.

Maybe she'll save you from breaking

the provincial heart attack record.

Yeah, well what if I want that record?

Records are nice.

People are known for records.

Oh, my god. That's her, that's her.

Okay, everyone just act normal.

Bryn, you...

You're good.

All right.

Okay. Okay.

You must be June.

And you must be Andy.

You're even more handsome than you sounded on the phone.

Thank you.

And you have got to be Rollie.

I sure know where Andy gets his looks.

Well, don't pin those on me.

And witty, to boot.

I best be on my guard around you.

Yeah, no, actually there has been a bit

of a misunderstanding.

I'm sorry to waste your time,

but it turns out

I don't need a babysitter.

Dad.

No, that's okay. It's okay, Andy.

Sometimes people recover a little faster than expected.

No worries, I'll just take my Assyrian sculpture

and just get on out of here.

Bye-bye.

Oh no, sorry. What did you say you've got there?

Oh, it's an Assyrian relief sculpture

of an alien.

I mean, it's most certainly not authentic, but still.

Oh, well it may not be the real deal,

but it's certainly very tasty.

Isn't it?

Wow. Where did you get it?

My late husband ran a museum of his own,

before he passed away.

This was just in storage.

You can have it,

for a price.

What price?

I demand a tour of this wonderful museum.

I am just chomping at the bit

to see what you've got in here.

Oh, well.

Say no more.

- Well. - Oh, well.

That's Bryn and that's Mark.

Oh, hello.

And this is-

- It's Ruth. - Ruth.

Pretty blank there. That's weird.

I just couldn't think what her name was for a moment.

No, it's-

- It's Ruth. - Ruth, yeah.

Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Oh, my goodness. I have the exact same purse.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Looks like mine's a slightly newer model.

Oh, yes, it is.

Yes,

it is.

Okay, well why don't I take you on that tour.

Oh, goodie.

Why don't I take some notes

as to all the unhealthy things you keep doing

during the day.

Oh, well be prepared to blush.

Oh see, it's just a stuffed duck

with a fancy skull stuck on top.

But if you call something an Aztec God,

then people tend to believe you.

Because people are idiots.

Andy, what the hell are you doing?

Trying to move this crystal into the shed. Gimme a hand.

Absolutely not. No.

Didn't you hear what Ruth said?

A poorly-placed crystal is a weapon

in the hands of the universe.

Yeah, well, in case you haven't noticed,

this place is a house of science now

and dad seems to be taking to it.

Oh, yeah. Dad's really taking to the science.

Couldn't possibly be the sexy temptress

you've hired to wait on him.

She's not a sexy temptress.

She's a professional nurse.

She is a lonely, widowed, professional nurse,

who clearly has the hots for dad.

You are delusional, man.

You are delusional.

Do you think Ruth doesn't notice this, Andy?

We don't even know what Ruth and Dad's relationship is.

Yes, we do. It's not that complicated.

Ruth and Dad are like, are like "The Odd Couple."

They don't seem to get along on the surface,

but they got a fun rapport,

they clearly love each other,

and deep down, you just know they're.

How does that apply to "The Odd Couple?"

Oh,

trust me, it applies to "The Odd Couple."

You mean to tell me, the characters in "The Odd Couple?"

Yep.

As portrayed by Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon

we're having sex?

Yes.

Well, that's crazy.

I don't know what you want me to tell you, Andy.

Now help me get this up.

We're moving it into where-

No, you help me. No, you help me.

Okay, now move this to where Ruth wants it.

- No, we're moving it. - To where Ruth wants it.

- No, we are moving it. - This way, Andy.

- This way, this way. - Come on.

This is really heavy, Mark. Come on!

Did that fall on your foot?

Yes.

Do you need, do you need help getting it off?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, please, please.

Do you promise to fire June?

No.

Ugh.

Well, then, uh.

- Don't. - I don't know.

- Don't. - I don't know what I can do.

Mark, don't.

- I don't know what you want. - Please, Mark, please.

- I can't, Andy. - Mark.

My hands are tied.

- Please. - My hands are tied.

Mark, please.

Thought you could use a little tea.

Oh, thank you, Ruth.

Oh, is this some more Wolf Daniel?

Yeah, here he is in a softer moment.

Yes, he looks very calm.

Is June still here?

I thought she was supposed to have gone home,

hours ago.

It's her first day on the job.

She's probably just getting a lay of the land.

Yeah, sounds like that's not the only thing,

she's getting a lay of.

Nice.

- Did you like that? - Yeah.

Yeah, gimme me that.

I'll go see if she needs some help.

Just a little stinker, that's what you are.

Hi, June.

Are you having a little trouble with him in there?

Nope, not at all.

Just getting some Epsom salts.

For a bath?

Rollie's more of a shower guy.

Well, in his current condition,

he really should be sitting as much as possible.

That makes so much sense. You're so smart.

But it's late.

You probably wanna get home, so I can take over.

No, no, it's my pleasure.

It's my pleasure, too.

So, maybe I'll just head in and make sure he's okay.

He's fine, Ruth.

Okay.

Okay, I'm just gonna head in and just see.

Oh!

For Heaven's sake, could you please move

and let me do my job?

Ah,.

- What's going on? - Papa?

Papa, are you okay?

Oh, my God. Dad, are you alright?

Oh, are you doing in here?

- Calm down. - I got him. I got him.

Oh God, I grabbed,

I grabbed his peter.

Dad, did I grab your peter?

Get me out here.

Everyone give him space.

Rollie, are you all right?

That includes you, Ruth.

June, I think I can take care of him.

Ruth, Ruth.

June is the medical professional here.

Please, just let her do her job.

All right?

- Oh. - Okay?

No problem.

I touch Dad's peter.

So, Dad, did you ever meet June's husband

at auctions or anything?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Here and there, now and then, turns out.

Between us,

I'd outbid him, every time.

- I would. - Did you ever.

Your father was always very competitive.

Yes, well, I am very competitive, naturally.

I mean, I'm much more competitive than any of you lot,

for a start.

Okay. I'm headed into town.

Anyone care to join me?

Dad, Ruth's asking you a question.

Rollie, I thought you might wanna come

and just stretch your legs a little bit.

Oh, no thanks, Ruth.

Hey, Junie,

have you ever seen a baby pig in formaldehyde?

I'm about to.

You are. Look at that.

Ew. Holy.

The horror.

These are the cookies that I was telling you about.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, summer veggies.

Ah, they've got rhubarb in.

Eh.

So, Ruth, I'm sorry if this is a very personal question,

but what exactly is your relationship with my dad?

Oh, my goodness, well,

it's one of those hard-to-define things, like a tomato.

Is it a fruit or is it a vegetable?

It's a fruit?

Is it? Has that been formalized?

Oh, that's nice.

Yes. That wasn't a clear example for me.

Your father and I go back a long way,

in terms of defining it, as a relationship,

no, we haven't defined it.

Your father's a tough nut to crack.

Well, I know all about that.

He drove my mom away.

Anyway, have you tried telling him how you feel, at all?

No, not in so many words but

sometimes instead of a green pepper,

I'll buy a yellow pepper.

Okay, so I'm not sure that

sends quite as direct a message

as you might think it does.

Well, I guess, I could go for a red one next time,

but that seems pretty graphic.

Yeah. Okay.

So,

I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, Ruth.

Do you see what's going on

at home?

- What? - June, Ruth.

June is honing in on dad.

And unless you stand up

and start fighting for yo' man,

she is gonna snatch him out from under you.

I don't wanna interfere.

This is about your father's health and

June seems

nice.

She's not nice.

Tell me how you feel, Ruth.

Tell me how you actually feel about June.

She has her imperfections.

- Good. - But, who doesn't?

Sure. That's a good place to start.

Okay, yeah. She's got imperfections.

I wanna hear some of those imperfections.

I don't, she's, she's,

I sometimes wonder if she's as generous

as she pretends to be.

Yeah. Now, we're talking, Ruth.

Now, we're speaking the same language.

What else?

- She's. - She's?

She's.

She's?

She's had her eyes on Rollie

since the moment she saw him!

That's my, right there.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Everything okay, over there?

She's tapping into her anger!

Stay the out of it!

Okie-dokie.

Now, Ruth, we are gonna go home

and you are gonna show my dad

that you are someone who cannot-

Yeah.

- And will not. - I will not-

Be taken advantage of.

That's right.

And how are you gonna do that?

I'm gonna cook him a very nice meal!

Okay. That is a start.

And not a bad start.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Well done. Oh, there's another thing you're all good at.

Aw.

What's going on here?

Oh, come on in, you two.

We're just playing a game.

Right. Whose go is it now?

Me, me, me, me, me.

Okay.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Alright. And go.

Ah. Okay.

Gimme some clues.

Well, all right, calm down.

Give us a chance.

He's tall.

Oh, Michael Jordan.

Taller than Michael Jordan.

Wait, no. Maybe less tall.

Less tall.

Okay. Any other attribute, Bryn, please?

Oh, he used to be a wrestler.

Oh, Hulk Hogan.

Doink, Doink the Clown?

Is it Doink the Clown? Doink the Clown?

Doink? Doink the Clown?

No, it's not Doink the Clown.

Who is Doink the Clown?

He's taller than Doink the Clown.

Jesus, Bryn. Anything other than tall, please.

Ooh, time.

Ah.

Dwayne The Rock Johnson?!

Whoa. Doink the Clown is only 5'10".

Oh, Jesus, Bryn.

Andy's right.

I think we let him down on that one

because he was very good.

Rubbish.

Wow, it looks like you're all having a nice, fun time,

playing a family game

with June, as well, involved in that.

But you can probably head home now June, because Ruth-

Is going to cook a very special dinner.

Oh, that's really nice of you, Ruthie.

But actually June's already on it.

Yepper.

I have a nice healthy meal in the oven, as we speak.

Does that qualify as a nursing duty

or is that just a special perk?

Just a perk, I suppose.

Feels like a special perk.

Well, that's great.

I guess, tomorrow night, I'll make a very special dinner

and maybe a little movie.

I noticed Netflix has "Rocky IV," Rollie.

That's your favorite.

"Rocky IV."

Oh, what a film that is.

The only film to feature a boxer

who gives his brother-in-law a robot

that's sort of a wife.

No, that's true. It's true, it's true.

Really?

But we'll have to do all that some other time, Ruthie.

Because tomorrow, me and June are popping across the island

to check out an auction, so.

Everything okay, Ruth?

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I did that.

I guess, it's because I wanna spend time with you

and you're choosing to spend time with June

and my body seems to be rejecting that.

It's so weird.

That's very expressive, Ruth.

Dad, Ruth is expressing herself.

Well, come with us, if you want.

Oh, sure.

Little third wheel, type of thing.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

No, it doesn't have to be that way, Ruth.

Shut up.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ruth, June is a guest in our house.

Oh, that's funny because I thought that guests

went home at a certain point.

Oh, Goddamn.

I suppose, I should go then.

No, no, no, please.

Yes, June, sit down and I'll go.

Oh, no, you don't, Ruth.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And listen,

if my clothes fit you,

why don't you start wearing those, too?

You coming, Bryn?

No.

Okay.

Ruth, don't.

Well, I hope you're happy, Andy.

You and June just drove away a wonderful woman.

Ruth drove herself away.

Is that what you think?

Yes.

Well, maybe it's because she's panicking

because she and dad had a beautiful

little Odd-Couple relationship going,

and then you introduced some new lady into it

and drove 'em apart.

Just like in "Grumpy Old Men."

This is not like "Grumpy Old Men."

This is exactly like "Grumpy Old Men."

Have you seen "Grumpy Old Men?"

Yes, I have seen "Grumpy Old Men."

- Have you? - Yes, I have.

Have you?

"Grumpy Old Men" is about two

grumpy old men who hate each other

and fall in love with the same woman.

Wrong.

"Grumpy Old Men" is about two grumpy old men

who appear to hate each other,

but secretly love each other

and have a great rapport,

and deep down, you just know they're.

And then a lady comes along and gets in the way of all that.

I'm going to sleep.

Okay.

Sleep tight, Andy.

Sleep tight, knowing the destruction you've caused.

There we go.

Thanks.

Ah, I wonder where Ruth's gone.

Oh, don't worry about her, Rollie.

She'll be fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, she'll be fine.

You know, you don't have to stick around so late.

Promise, I won't tuck in at the first

salty snack I see as soon as you leave.

I don't mind staying late.

I mean, it's not like I have anyone to get home to.

Husband's dead.

Yes, as you keep saying.

Yeah. I never told you how he died though.

It's kind of a funny story.

You see,

he put so much into his museum,

but because of your antics,

he never got a chance to succeed.

Anyway, long story, short,

he went outta business and drank himself to death.

Oh.

Well, sorry, June, I didn't know.

It's really all right, Rollie.

Ah.

Everybody has to die sometime.

Well, you say that-

There.

There you go.

Yeah.

Chloroform takes a lot longer than most people think.

There we go.

Oh, we relaxing now?

Oh, it's just like a massage, isn't it?

A massage inside your head.

Here we go.

Night, night.

Boop.

Listen, Molly,

thank you for taking me in

and listening to my sob story.

I didn't hear any sobbing.

Just a lot of jaw-clenching and mime-strangling,

which I really connected with.

I appreciate it.

Well, I'm gonna go do up your bed.

You need a toothbrush?

I gotta spare, but the bristles are rock hard.

That's how I like 'em.

It's all right.

I put some stuff in my

purse.

What's wrong?

Oh, my goodness. I think I took June's purse, by mistake.

- Whoa. - Oh, no. Put that down.

- Let me see - Molly.

Oh, found this.

That looks like a diary.

Molly, I'm gonna ask you again

to respect June's privacy.

And if you don't, I'm going to ask you a third time.

Fine. It's your life.

Night, night, Ruth.

He's awake.

Geez, I hope those robes aren't too tight.

You okay?

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

You know, after my Davy died,

I was consumed by thoughts of revenge.

I just, I didn't know how I was gonna pull it off.

And then, poof.

Your son calls my place of work

asking for a home care worker for you.

And I swear, it felt like God

was tapping me on the shoulder saying,

"Uh, June, did you forget you wanted to kill this guy?"

Anyway, after a few days

trying to get rid of Ruth, here we are.

Any last words?

Well said.

Put that

needle down

now.

Please.

Hello, Ruth.

June.

I found your diary

and I almost read it

before I realized that would be very rude

and I decided to return it.

But now I see that you're the one who's very rude.

Unless I'm wrong about what's going on here,

and then, I do apologize.

Ah!

Ugh.

What was that?

No, I think dad and June are having sex.

No, I heard banging and thumping.

Yeah, what part of having sex do you not understand?

I do not want to walk in on this.

Ah!

Oh, my God.

Dad?

Oh, God, Ruth snapped. She's here for revenge.

She attacked me.

She's trying to kill your father.

See, I told you June was a bad person.

Get her, Andy, get her.

No, she's lying.

She came back and found your father and I together

and she tried to kill me.

This is so hard to know.

I'm pretty sure Ruth would never do this,

but I'd be lying if I said I was, like, certain.

June's the killer, you Muppets.

Okay. Yep.

June's bad. Ruth's good.

Get her, Andy.

Fine. It's me.

Now, stay back!

June.

How did you ever expect to get away

with something like this?

Air bubble in the needle

causing a heart attack.

I would've made sure that it was too late

by the time he got to the hospital.

That's actually pretty clever.

- That would've worked. - Well thought out.

But the time of subtlety is over.

You took away the love of my life, Rollie.

Now I'm gonna take away yours.

Well, we've never really defined our relationship

but I'm certainly not the love of his life.

Yes, you are, Ruth.

You have been for a long time.

Aw.

Wow, touching.

You just signed your death warrant.

But it was a lovely moment.

Do you have any last words?

Yes.

I forgot to return your purse.

Oh.

Jah.

Well, June is in stable condition, down the hall,

if you'd like to check in on her,

but I'm sure that you don't.

You know, because she tried to kill you.

Yeah, so how you feeling, Dad?

Oh, much better. Thank you, Mark.

Now that I'm no longer in the clutches

of a deranged murderer.

By the way, thank you very much, Andrew.

Fine bit of due diligence there.

She was from the Home Care Service. It's not my fault.

Nobody's blaming you, Andrew.

I am.

Yes, I am, also.

Me too.

Hey, that's three outta four, for blaming.

You sure you don't wanna change your mind there, Ruth?

Oh, all right. I blame you, too.

Mm.

All right, clean sweep.

Well, I'm just gonna go bring June

this casserole, I whipped up.

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

She just tried to kill you.

Oh, well that's in the past, now.

You can't hold onto a grudge forever.

Geez. That woman is a saint.

Well, indeed, she is,

which is apparent to us all,

apart from Andy, of course.

I said it was sorry. Okay?

Andy technically qualifies as an accomplice here.

Oh, I, what?

He might be, I think.

* You can make your life a misery if you try *

* You can take a smile and change it to a sigh *

* But by now, throw off that shroud *

* And a look beyond the cloud

* 'Cause there's an awful lot of sunshine in the sky *

* La-da-di-da-di-da La-da-di-da-di-da *

* Yes, there's an awful lot of sunshine *

* In the sky