Original subtitles

Hey, man, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard.

I was gonna go swing a stick at it

and then run for my life.

You wanna join?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, normal answer.

What you got here?

It's a letter from a literary magazine I submitted to.

Good news?

I haven't opened it yet.

What are you waiting for?

I'm just a little nervous 'cause--

- Gimme this. - Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark.

I am going to read it.

That's what I'm here for.

Yeah, but what if it's bad?

What if it's bad?

What if it's good, hmm?

Yeah.

For all you know, Andrew,

they gave you the centerfold of the damn thing.

Literary magazines don't have centerfolds.

They don't?

They should.

Here we go.

"Dear Mr. Tenison,"

- That's a good start. - Not bad.

- That's a good start. - Not bad.

"We are writing regarding your short story,

"'A Tall Drink of Winter.'

"We feel given your numerous past submissions,

"a detailed response is only fitting."

How many times have you submitted to these guys?

- 30, keep going. - All right.

"You have achieved something very rare

"with your latest story in that it manages

"to be both technically inept and artistically worthless."

Yeah, all right, let's, let's just--

"That you achieve both

- "with your weak-chinned pros. - Mark, Mark,

"is no small feat of ineptitude."

- Just give it to me. - Weak-chinned pros, hold on.

There's way more.

* De da-de, da-de, da-de, da-de, da *

Thank you for saving my son, Travel Dog,

and good luck to ye where ever you're bound.

What is this?

Is this The Littlest Hobo?

Travel Dog, it's like The Littlest Hobo,

except the dog in this one isn't neutered.

Okay, yeah, yeah, I see that now.

He is really going to town there.

Great, yikes, okay.

Andy, come on, pal.

Let's go outside.

Let's go have some fun.

- What is fun? - All right, look at me.

Look at me.

Hey, up here.

Now there is a little saying I like to quote

when I get knocked down and it goes like this.

I get knocked down, but I get up again,

'cause you are never gonna keep me down,

and you know who said that, Andy?

- Chumbawamba? - Chumbawamba

in their 1997 opus Tub Thumping, a song about a young,

presumably Irish lad named Danny Boy,

who always got up after he'd been knocked down.

Now that's what we're gonna do, Andy.

So let's get on our feet.

Let's get up again.

- No. - Come on.

Respect my boundaries, Mark.

Respect your brother's boundaries, okay?

- Fine. - Hey, is everything okay?

Yeah, Andy's just being a mopey piece of crap,

because his stupid short story got rejected

by some magazine.

Well, there are two ways of dealing with rejection.

You can either sit and mope about it all day

until your soul shrivels inside you like an old, dead shrub

or, or you can kill yourself.

That's it?

Those are my two options?

I always think a support system is very important.

I mean, that's what I get from my coven.

I think we should get these goodies back.

Ruth, before you leave, heard the word coven.

Would love some elaboration on that if possible.

It's nothing too exciting.

It's just a 200-year-old pagan society

that gets together under various moon phases

to spend quality time together.

Bryn's a part of it.

I blow the horn.

Yeah, the summoning horn.

Actually, tonight is our monthly esbat.

That's witch-speak for meeting.

You're more than welcome to join us.

Might make you feel better.

Thank you, Ruth, but I think I'm

just gonna stay and watch--

No, that sounds wonderful, Ruth.

We will absolutely be there.

That's the spirit, boys.

Oh, look, Travel Dog.

Oh, I used to love this.

Yeah, did you know this holds the record

for the most dog pregnancies ever on set?

Oh, that is fun.

- Oh. - Whoa.

Oh.

This is great.

Man, this town is light on appropriate witchwear.

What about this?

This is too sexy, right?

You are not gonna fit in that.

It looks like an IUD.

I'll make it work.

Why are we doing this?

Doing what?

Hanging out with a bunch of middle aged women pretending

to be witches.

Are you kidding me, Andy?

This is gonna be awesome.

How often do you get invited to be part of a coven?

Oh man, I hope we get to slit our palms into a goblet

and make a wish for what we truly want to Manu.

What would you wish for, Andy, from Manu?

Who's Manu?

Manu is the force that controls all things

in at least one teen witch movie,

but you have to be careful,

because he will take your peer group

and split it apart faster than you can sell.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Shut up for a second.

You were talking.

The hell is that?

Whoa, whoa, where the hell did this place come from?

Some say it appeared out of nowhere one night.

Others say that we obtained all the necessary permits

and opened two weeks after some quick renos.

Used to be a Marvelous Muffins.

How may I help you?

Well, we were recently invited to join a coven,

and we were hoping to get something

to wear for our first esbat.

Oh, may I interest you in robes?

Oh, hell yeah.

Now we're talking.

We have many options, full floor length

for the traditional witch,

knee length for the naughty witch,

and shear for the witch who's looking to turn up

and horn down.

I think traditional sounds good, unless, Andy,

are you looking to turn up and horn down?

Traditional is fine.

Traditional then.

Would you like them wrapped?

No, that's okay.

We'll just wear 'em on outta here.

I do have a question about this curtain behind you.

Seems to be housing something rather fun.

Any chance I could snag a peek back there?

The things contained in that room are not

for the casual consumer.

Therein lies a darkness you could not possibly understand,

you who appear to have known no true suffering.

Oh yeah, you know what?

That is true.

You, on the other hand,

you are more than ready to see what lies therein.

It's clear you've suffered much during your, I wanna say,

45 years on this earth.

I'm 34, and I don't wanna see what's in your stupid room.

Okay, suit yourself.

Ticked them off.

Were you boys looking to pay cash or credit?

I knew we shouldn't have worn these.

No one else is dressed up.

We look good, man.

You look good.

I look amazing.

You look like a porno wizard.

Yeah, like I said, I look amazing.

Anyway, don't worry.

This is all just preamble.

Things are gonna get real weird before long.

Okay, everybody, thanks for coming to the esbat.

Let's get this thing formally started.

Bryn, sweetie, want to cronk your horn?

Terrific, bring forth the quilt.

Hey, what's gonna happen with this guy later?

We gonna sacrifice him or sacrifice something to him?

Oh no, Monty is my emotional support snake.

Having him nearby helps me with my anxiety.

Okay, that sucks.

A little bit of housekeeping.

It's solstice this weekend.

So we will be adding a new panel.

Also, it's potluck.

So this time, let's coordinate

so we don't all bring desserts again.

Thank you, ladies.

Thank you.

Now it's my favorite part of the night.

I'd like to introduce one of the newest members

of our group, Andy Tenison, to come up

and open our sharing circle with a few words about

what it was that brought him here tonight, Andy?

I'm okay, thanks.

I'm all right.

I'll speak, Ruth, if you want me to say some kind of dark,

weird stuff.

Oh no, I'd like to hear Andy.

Come on, Andy, give it a chance.

Might make you feel better.

Atta-boy.

All right.

I'm not usually one to talk about myself,

but I guess I'll give it a try.

Whew, it's been a rough day.

Actually, it's been a rough couple years.

I'm trying to be a writer,

but it seems like with every new rejection,

it's more and more of a pipe dream.

I have so much to say.

I just feel like the world doesn't wanna listen sometimes.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- It's all right. - I'm sorry.

- It's all right. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Let it out, let it out.

oh, this is nice.

Oh God, this feels so good, oh my God.

Hey, how's this for a new vibe?

You guys into this or shift the tone a little bit?

Cut our hands open for Manu?

Hey, for Manu?

What you got there?

Oh, just making a little list of, well, have a seat.

Have a seat.

I wanna run some stuff by you.

Okay.

So last night, huh?

- Oof. - What do you mean?

Just the whole vibe, you know?

Hanging out, hugging, eating cheese.

Like am I the only one whose heard of witchcraft?

Hello, so I compiled a bit of a list of things

that I was going to propose at the next meeting,

just to see if we could all move

towards a more coven-y direction in the future.

So number one, and this one seems obvious, more spells,

any spells really.

Number two, movie night, Blair Witch, Witches of Eastwick.

If it's got witch in the title,

it's probably gonna take us in the right direction.

- Number three-- - I don't know, Mark.

They've been running this whole thing for 200 years.

Everyone seems happy.

Yes, but is the point of a coven to be happy?

That's sort of a bigger picture question.

Where are you headed?

Oh, I'm actually headed to hang out with some

of the people from the coven.

Oh, great, we can talk about these things there.

Oh, they specifically asked for me not to bring you.

You kind of gave off a bit of a weird vibe last night.

What?

Well, you asked to sacrifice Deb's snake.

That's her pet.

It's a snake at a coven, Andy.

I mean, come on.

It's like bringing regular tea to an ice tea convention.

At a certain point, that teas getting iced.

Okay, it's not a perfect metaphor, but I'm sorry.

I'm feeling flustered and a bit off my game.

I'm like a guy who's normally on his game, but me.

Goddamn it this is hard.

Mark, Mark, Mark, it's okay.

Look, it's just a little rejection and, oh,

how do I put this?

What do you do when you get knocked down?

You get back up again.

- You mother-- - Danny Boy.

Oh, you mother!

But you're my favorite child.

- Hey, man. - Hey.

I'd like to return these robes if I could.

Well, the black underwear is final sale.

I can only take the robes if they're unbloodied.

Well, no worries there, man.

Or any other fluids.

You don't have to worry about anything, I promise you.

Okay, just, I've had people try to return these robes

in the past, and it wasn't cool.

- Right. - Let's just say

after Eyes Wide Shut, everything changed.

Uh-huh, yeah, well, these are clean robes, I promise you.

So no need to worry.

Just to be a hundred percent clear,

I'm talking about semen.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

Okay, just had to check.

- Yeah. - You look different today.

Tasted darkness, perhaps rejection?

Yeah, yeah, you could say that again.

Perhaps you are ready to see what's

beyond the blue curtain, but know this.

For all that cross this threshold, they must be prepared

to walk the left hand path.

Welcome to my unholy sanctum.

As you can see, we have a wide selection of spells, tomes,

and some light pornography.

Oh, that's cool, man, thanks.

Naked for Satan, The Blacked Trist, Ass 5.

Yeah, no, I'm not super into that, but thank you so much.

Okay, but if I may say, if you were put off by Ass 4,

Ass 5 puts the franchise right back on track.

Not super familiar with the franchise,

but you were saying something about a left hand path?

It is a rejection of a society whose values reject you,

and it can all be found here.

Oh, hell yeah.

You know, I think it's time Cavendish

got itself a real coven.

Okay, okay, I'll read something.

Oh, it's supposed to be read with an Irish brobe.

So pot of gold, pot of gold.

Daniel Day Lewis.

Okay, I got it, okay.

"Slade knelt by the unfrozen pond.

"The water looked good, pure, wet.

"He tasted it, felt its cool wetness slide into him.

"'Surely many have drunk of this frigid draft,' he thought.

"'this jelled moist water, water, father?

"'My God.'"

Oh my goodness.

That was wonderful, and that word you used, jelled,

what does that mean?

It's kind of a word that's hard to define,

but I definitely know how to use it in a sentence.

Just to put this out there,

maybe you could write us an opening invocation

for the solstice weaving this weekend,

something that you could read to the town.

I would love to.

Thank you.

That's fantastic.

Oh, I kind of feel like a cool wetness is sliding into me.

Baffomet, Amon, Moloch, and Baal, lords of darkness,

look upon us this night with hungry eyes and angry bones.

We beseech thee and thee and thee and thee.

Thank you for being here, everyone.

Thank you so much.

Bryn, thank you for crossing over.

I was promised a bigger horn.

And you shall receive your bigger horn.

Now, Yeah, Felix, you got a question?

I bought a fair jag over at me last night there.

Now I got bit of the tummy grumblies and all.

Tummy grumblies, you need to go to the bathroom.

Is that what you're--

Oh yeah, well, I gotta pinch

off Mike Duffy 'fore too long.

Okay, well, that is very colorful imagery,

and you are welcome to use the bathroom.

You do not need to ask.

I'll peg her down for another half hour or so.

Continue on with your Halloween chitchat or whatnot.

All right, let's break this down, Ladies and gentlemen.

There is a 200-year-old book club in this town

that calls themselves a coven.

This weekend they will be celebrating the solstice

presumably by holding hands and singing kumbaya.

Well, I say that we show them what a real coven looks like.

So any ideas for what we should do?

No wrong answers.

Yeah, Travis.

We could do a panty raid.

So, just so I'm a hundred percent clear,

that's where we would break into their houses and--

Steal their panties.

Steal their panties, right.

So, okay, I just wanna thank Travis right off the bat

for being the first person to give a suggestion.

That's never easy there.

I'm not gonna write that one down,

'cause I feel like it's just a little bit off base

for what we're looking for here, but yeah,

let's try to keep this in the realm of dark magic.

You did say there were no wrong answers.

Yep, I did say that, but how about starting now,

now that we all know the parameters, okay?

Yes.

I like the panty raid idea.

Panty raid idea is not on the table, Bryn.

It's not on the table at all.

Here's all you need to know, dark magic, spells.

How about that?

We could use spells to make their panties come to us,

Okay, mm.

just like the sorcerer's apprentice.

Yeah, stop, stop doing that.

I'm so serious.

I'm so angry, and I'm so serious.

Felix, what do you need, man?

What do you need?

We could use some of the aberjaber what was working

on there to take care of the tummy grumblies.

Go to the bathroom.

I have given you multiple green lights on that front.

You know what, guys?

Look around.

We are sitting in an atmosphere of absolute darkness here.

Get inspired, get inspired.

Pain, you must have some cool ideas.

Come on, come on.

I do have a cauldron.

Now we're talking.

It'd be the perfect place to store all the panties.

- Oh my God. - Yes.

Stop it, stop it!

Okay, guys, you know what?

Everything you're pitching here is child's play.

I'm talking about something big.

I'm talking about tearing at the very fabric

of what they hold, of what they hold dear,

and I think I know which fabric to tear.

Are you sure you're not saying exactly what we're saying?

No, Bryn, I am not talking about,

I'm not talking about panties.

Friends, hello and welcome to the 200th Official Summer

Solstice Gathering.

Today, we are gathered to bear witness

to everyone's favorite coven of heretics

as they weave a new chapter into their pagan story.

Please welcome Andy Tenison.

Thank you, Madam Mayor.

This is a little poem of dedication titled "Summer Into Me."

"Beloved sun, your rays like,"

Mark?

Good afternoon, everyone.

What?

I said Good afternoon, everyone.

We can't hear you, man, the music's too loud.

What'd you say?

Music's too loud?

Yeah.

All right, one second, one second.

Just turn it off.

How's that?

Oh, that's so much better.

- Is that better? - Yeah.

Okay, Felix, do you wanna take that?

Take that from me, please.

I'll see if I can get it far before I get a smoke.

Nope, don't sell it.

All right, all right.

So this is what passes for witchcraft in this town, is it,

barbecues, touch football, and races in the potato sack?

Mark, why don't you just calm down

and come hang out with us?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Andrew?

You'd love it if we just hung out like chums.

You may notice that we are guided

towards a greater purpose now.

So why don't you take your invitation

and shove it up your ass.

I'm here for one thing only, to watch the world burn,

either literally or figuratively!

Bryn, give it a skronk.

Hell yeah, bitch!

Let's rock!

The quilt, ah!

No, Mark, stop, stop, stop.

This isn't you.

You don't know anything about me, Andy.

I only care about one thing now, destruction.

Oh my God.

Now watch as I tear the very fabric of your reality apart.

That's not taught enough.

Gotta get it taught.

No!

Ow, ow, Andy, ow, Andy, Andy, you're hurting me.

Ow, ow, ow, okay, okay, okay.

All of this because you got rejected once in your life!

Give me the quilt, Andrew!

This is not your quilt.

This is the witch's quilt.

It's our quilt.

- Come on! - I'm the only one

at this solstice who's a witch!

Such violence on the solstice.

This is not what being a witch is about.

This is exactly what being a witch is about, right Pain?

I don't know, man.

This feels less like witchcraft and more like bullying.

Yeah, we really should have done the panty raid.

The panty raid was never on the table, Travis.

- I think the-- - Never, that was never

on the table.

Thank you for saving my daughter

from those human traffickers, Travel Dog,

and good luck to ye wherever you're bound.

I don't know how you do it, Andy.

You get rejected every day.

It's honestly amazing you haven't taken your own life

by now.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, hey, I'm sorry I got you kicked outta your coven.

It's okay.

Sorry I hurt your wrist.

Oh, it's okay.

It's all right.

You wanna watch another episode?

Yeah.

I'll find you, Travel Dog, and when I do,

I'll neuter you in a safe and professional manner,

because I am the veterinarian.

This show is weird as hell, man.

Yeah, it's really good.

Yeah.

* You can make your life a misery if you try *

* You can take a smile and change it to a sigh *

* But by not throw off that trow *

* And the look beyond the cloud *

* Because there's an awful lot of sunshine in the sky *

* De, da-de, da-de, da-de, da-de, da *

* Yes, there's an awful lot of sunshine in the sky *