Original subtitles

Hey, man.

Hey.

Whatcha working on?

I'm taking over this advice column

while the writer's on vacation.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, this...

This reader wants to know if he should quit his job

to pursue his dream of standup comedy.

Yeah, that's a no, right?

Yeah.

I wrote, "No," that's it so far.

- That's all I have. - Yeah,

- I think that's all you need. - I think that's enough.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

Just push 'em off that path.

Man, this sounds like a really good gig for you.

Thanks.

Yeah, no, I'm serious.

I mean, you give good advice and you're a good writer.

And you're thoughtful and smart.

Plus, also nice and generous.

Okay, what's this about?

Well, the carnival is in town

and I sort of don't have money at the moment,

and Dad and Ruth are still in Summerside.

There it is.

So I was hoping that ye could give me some money

to go to that, please.

- No. - Please, man.

Please, it's so good this year.

They got a freak show tent.

Andy, some of these freaks are out of this world.

They got the tallest boy in the Maritimes under 12.

They have the world's oldest Red Hot Chili Peppers fan.

I'm not lending you any money.

What happened to all those gigs that you used to do?

I don't know, my sources dried up.

And I blew the last of my savings on my Rude Guy t-shirts.

Have I shown you those?

No.

I'm actually wearing one right now

if you wanna have a gander.

Here you go, here he is.

I'll sell you this one if you want it.

- 30 bucks, 40, 50. - No.

No, you keep going up.

- $60. - Mark, you need a job.

You need to get a real job,

that way you can use the money that you make

to do the things you like.

Andy, I wouldn't know how to get a job

even if I wanted one.

Now that is something I can help you with.

What the hell is this little self-satisfied display?

- I'm tryin' to help you. - That's awful.

Never do that face again.

* Dee da dee da dee da dee da dee da dee da *

Well, we are hiring.

Are you both applying for the job?

Oh, no, I'm just here for support.

It's Mark's first interview

and I just wanna make sure he doesn't blow it.

Ah.

He's not wrong to worry about that.

In many ways, I do not want this job,

but in other ways, the money, I do want it.

Oh, wow, that is a refreshingly honest answer.

Okay, let's look at this resume.

You've used a very large font.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's just to emphasize his strengths.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And also, just to be completely honest,

it is not that much stuff on there.

The bigger font just kind of makes it look like more stuff.

Yeah, another very honest answer.

Thank you so much.

Hey, if you like honesty, Mayor Breeley,

I can honestly just lay it all out for you right now,

put my cards on the table.

- Mark. - Okay.

I'm a lazy guy,

Andy gets mad about it, but not a lot he can do.

That I do.

I also will show up late.

It's mostly a power move that I kind of put out there

if I'm ever feeling small and I wanna assert my dominance,

you know, see what they do about it.

Fire me if you want, you know,

I don't give a.

Pay me first.

Okay.

He also has his CPR certificate.

Yeah, but that stands for Cool Prankster Rascal.

You said that was for first-aid.

Yeah, 'cause I was pranking ya,

like a cool rascal.

I cannot believe she offered you that job.

Yeah, well, I'm a charismatic guy, Andy.

I told you I win people over.

Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm not taking the job.

What? Why?

Because I wouldn't get paid until Friday

and by that time the carnival would already be gone.

Okay, alright.

Well, we'll apply for a job at a bar, get some tips.

I'm done playing around, man.

I just wanna go to the carnival.

Yeah, but if you go to the carnival,

you won't have any money.

I will figure it out, Andy, I always do.

I'm a sneaky guy, I'm resourceful, a problem solver.

Trust me, when I put my mind to things, I...

Oh, man, I can't get this tie off.

- How do I get this tie off? - Just pull up.

For real though, I can't.

- Let me try. - I'm making it way tighter

- and it hurts me very badly. - Hold on, hold on.

- It's making me choke - - It's okay, -

- and I can't breathe. - it's okay, it's okay.

Thank you, Jesus.

Ugh, no, you hold it, I hate it.

See you later.

Okay, Mark, showtime.

Excuse me, Ma'am, do you have any tickets you could spare,

any tickets at all, some money?

It's not for me, it's for my kid who's really sick.

He wants to ride the Himalaya, no?

Do you have any tickets or money you could spare?

Sorry, man, I only carry a day pass.

Right, gotcha.

Oh, Bryn, Bryn, Bryn, Bryn,

- Bryn, Bryn, stop. - Hey.

Could I borrow some money?

No, I already spent it all on my pass.

God.

I'm gonna see the furry twins.

What's the furry twins?

Two twins completely covered in fur.

Right, so like part of the freak show or something?

No, Mark.

They run the Tilt-A-Whirl.

They're not freaks, they're perfect.

They're perfect.

We're almost there, just a little calibration and...

Hey, Dr. Green.

Oh, hey.

You don't have a couple of bucks I could borrow, do you?

I'm sorry, Mark, I've already spent $200 here.

$200?

Where's all your prizes?

You know, I didn't win a one,

but I can't seem to stop.

You know, I think I might have a gambling problem.

I did not know that about myself.

Right, well, are you putting backspin on your throws?

- Do you wanna take a shot? - Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell you what, give me a cut of your prizes.

Okay.

For real.

Yes, that's fine, yes.

Ah, all right.

Look at this guy, I know him.

Told ya.

Whoa.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Dr. Green.

All right.

Kid, do your thing.

My man.

Come on now, papa needs a new potato guy.

I peeked a little, I peeked a little.

Okay, here you go pal.

Won't you go give that to a sexual partner

of your preference at school, okay?

No judgment, over your

Hey, man.

Someone wants to word.

Yes, alright, cool.

Dr. Green, if I don't come back, call the police please.

Thank you, Jethro.

Please take a seat.

My name is Marni.

Hi.

That's Jethro.

Hi, Jethro.

This is Evangeline.

You are very good at, how you say, the ball toss.

You have won many potato men.

Well, I mostly gave 'em away, I just like to play.

Cut this crap.

Your play is our profit.

Easy, Evangeline, just put the knife away.

She's really into knives right now, it's a whole thing.

Right.

So, how long you been a carny?

Oh, I'm not a carny, I'm a...

I guess, a carnival enthusiast.

Well, that makes things kind of difficult for us.

We let you run around here all weekend,

we're not gonna have any prizes left

when we hit the next town.

Right, well, you really don't have to worry about that.

I don't even have any money, so...

Hmm, how'd you like some?

I would like some very much.

Yes, please, any amount.

Alright.

I'm prepared to offer you a job.

- Are you serious? - Mm.

You wanna give me a job?

You don't wanna see my resume or anything like that?

'Cause it's bad.

As long as you haven't been convicted of any major crimes.

Sweet.

Sorry, how major are we talking about?

Major.

Then I am almost certainly clean.

Great.

Evangeline will show you around.

Thank you so much.

I thought I was gonna get killed when I came in here.

This is way better.

Hey, step right up,

step right up.

Five bucks gets you three balls.

Six bucks gets you three balls,

plus I get a dollar.

Oh, good deal for me.

Hi, Mark, great juggling earlier.

Hi, look, you gotta spot me a couple of throws.

Dr. Green, I told you there's no freebies, man.

But Mark, it's...

It's me.

We don't have that close a relationship.

Okay, okay, okay, I mean, what if I gave you this watch?

No, I'm not taking your watch.

That's a really nice watch, man.

Yes, it's a nice watch.

My father was a watchmaker.

It's the first he ever made, told me never to pawn it.

I can pawn it.

Don't pawn it, don't, don't pawn your dad's watch.

Mark, Bryn told me you're working here.

What the hell, man?

One second, I'll be right with you.

Peanut, going on break, pal.

Whoop, ah.

Let's go.

Hey, what do you guys think of my getup?

Pretty cool, right?

Yeah, it's great, Mark.

You know I can get you a better job, right?

What?

Are you kidding me?

This place is perfect, Andy.

I get free rides, free prizes,

and more money than I know what to do with.

Check it out, I got a potato man phone case.

Whoa, that's awesome.

Yeah, and it's so heavy.

Yeah, that's great, Mark.

It's just, isn't this place like filled with weirdos?

Andy! No!

That is such an old misconception.

These people are some of the greatest folks I've ever met.

Peanut back there has died five different times,

and he says each time he brought something back.

Isn't that wild?

That's Beth over there,

that she is the world's oldest Red Hot Chili Peppers fan.

Hey, Beth, Beth.

Beth, how old are you?

85.

What're you listening to right now?

What do you think?

Hell yeah, girl.

Hell yeah.

Ooh, and that's Evangeline.

Come on, I wanna introduce you guys, let's go.

Here we are.

Evangeline threatened me with a knife when we first met,

but we are cool now.

Hello, handsome, who're your friends?

Oh, this is my brother Andy, and this is Bryn,

the niece of a woman who may or may not be dating our dad.

Hello.

I like your necklace.

Is that a lock of hair in that vial?

It's fur.

One of the furry twins gave it to me.

I don't know which one.

Those twins, they're such charmers,

like this one there, huh,

with his sweet face and his undernourished body.

He's such a sweet one.

Well, the tone says compliment

so that's how I'm gonna take it.

One moment.

If I catch you cheating again, I will cut off your hand.

Cool, right, well, we're gonna get going, Evangeline,

but nice seeing you.

You know what, Bryn,

yesterday Mark was unmotivated and borderline unemployable,

I don't like to pat myself on the back usually...

You've still got vomit on your shirt from the teacup ride.

Yeah, those things spin way too fast.

Yellow.

Oh, bueno, Andy.

And how's my favorite son?

Oh, I'm good dad.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, I was actually asking about Mark.

Rollie!

He's just kidding, Andy.

I can't even see him and I can tell how angry he is.

Hey, Andy, Ruth and me are staying another night

in Summerside.

The yard sales out here are outrageous.

Tell him about the skulls.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we bought 50 human skulls.

Some bloke was just selling 'em out on his yard.

Wait, what guy has 50 human skulls?

Who cares?

Somebody offers 50 human skulls at a fair price,

you don't ask questions.

Yes, you do.

So anyway, where is Mark?

'Cause I wanna tell him about his gift I've got him,

a skull.

Mark got a job, he's working at the carnival.

Oh, that's nice, he's a carny.

Or is there another term that they prefer to that,

maybe a person of carnival?

Andy, what the hell is Mark doing working at a carnival?

He wanted to go but he didn't have any money

so I convinced him to get a job.

Why didn't you just give him the money?

Because he needs to learn responsibility, Dad.

Andy, let me explain something to you.

Carnivals are very dangerous places

and Mark is a sweet, naive boy.

They will eat him alive.

Mark is a 30-year-old man.

I think he can take care of himself.

- Oh, is that what you think? - Yes.

I mean, I'm starting to lose confidence, but overall, yes.

Oh, that's great.

Well, as long you are happy with that.

I am.

I am not going to baby Mark anymore.

And you know what?

Neither should you.

So then I said, "I don't care how much you cry about it,

if you don't got the tickets, you don't get to ride, baby."

You did not say that.

I did, I said it right to his 6-year-old face.

- Oh. - And he felt it.

He felt it.

Yeah, you were born for this work, man,

just like the rest of us here.

Oh, I'm just sorry I didn't figure that out earlier.

Many of us came to it late life.

I used to be a camera operator on films.

- Oh, cool. - Mm-hmm.

Anything I might have seen?

Are you familiar with the Ken Burns Civil War documentary?

Yeah, what, you worked on that?

No, I worked on a pornographic parody of it.

It was 50 hours, right,

with some of the largest battle scenes

in pornographic history.

Battle scenes, wow, okay.

Oh, but it wasn't expensive like,

'cause we just used, like, photographs,

moving screen, left screen, right, and top to bottom.

Okay.

Critics said, our faithfulness to the form

ruined any hint of eroticism.

Sure, okay.

Wow, that's amazing, you know?

Yeah.

Did you all have jobs before this too?

I played in the CFL.

CFL, CFL...

I won MVP seven times.

Right, no, I'm just tryna...

My face is the first thing you see

when you enter the Canadian Football Hall of Fame.

Football, there it is, there it is.

I always forget that Canada has a football league, but cool.

Good for you.

Okay, I'm gonna get another drink.

Anyone else want something?

You're good?

Okay.

Be right back, guys.

Soon you'll be joining us on the road.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How far are we gonna travel anyway?

Some carnivals cover the Maritimes, some the country,

but our carnival covers the Maritimes.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Not really where I thought that was going,

but right on, right on.

You want to see what our living quarters look like?

Sure, yeah.

Come on.

Oh, geez, okay.

Would you like a drink?

Oh, yeah, sure.

It's a nice place.

Oh, okay, just two different liquors

that were sitting up, that's fun.

Oh, it smells so old, I'll put that there.

I never told you what I used to do for a living.

Oh, no, you didn't, no.

I worked with the homeless.

Oh, wow, that's really nice.

I taught them how to fight

for a series of online video called Homeless Battles.

Right, okay, that is...

That is less nice than I thought it was.

Very much so.

Okay, it's moving so, so fast.

It's just like sort of starting to dawn on me

that we don't know each other too well.

You are so sweet.

So much nicer than my husband.

Yeah, yeah, I could have sworn you said husband there.

Oh, don't worry, we are separated.

I've made it very clear, I care nothing for him

or his precious Canadian Football.

Your husband is Jethro,

okay, I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna leave this place.

Nope.

- I knew you were no good. - Okay.

One day in the carnival

and you're already angling for my girl.

Nothing happened, Jethro.

I am not your girl, we are separated.

And you are having sex with strangers all the time.

I did that once

because you wanted to open up our relationship

and I cried the whole time.

Because you are weak.

Oh, wow.

Oh, bravo.

Where'd you learn to catch like that?

The stupid CFL?

It's not stupid.

It's much harder than the NFL.

We only get three downs instead of four,

and our field is 10 yards longer, 10 yards!

Spare me your defense of that ridiculous league, okay?

Eight teams total and two are called the Rough Riders.

That was only for a bit.

Ottawa's called the Redblacks now.

It's not perfect, but it's okay.

It is okay.

So I feel like this argument is no longer totally about me

so I'm just gonna scoot past...

You're not going anywhere.

Jethro, get away from me.

What?

What? What?

Was that your...

Was that your favorite vase?

Those were my father's ashes, you brute.

Ah.

Andy!

Hey, I brought Pinot.

Turn around, Andy, we gotta get outta here.

Dad was right, this place is bad.

- Let's go. - Whoa.

Get back here and face justice like a man.

Mark, what is going on?

Why do those people wanna kill you?

Just get inside first, come on.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, let's go, let's try this again.

Okay, okay, okay,

busy, still busy.

Why wouldn't it be?

Why would the only police officer in this town

not have call waiting?

Mark, what the hell is going on?

Okay, so, turns out I sort of almost hooked up

with Evangeline, who's like married to Jethro,

who's this former CFL star monster...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

That was Jethro Boyd, like seven times CFL MVP Jethro Boyd?

I don't know, what, how do you know that?

I love the CFL, it's a harder league.

Just, you know, deeper end zones, only two downs,

- it's great. - Shut up.

Where's dad?

He'll save us, Dad!

He's still in Summerside.

Oh, my God, that's right.

There's nothing to save us now.

They're gonna kill me, Andy.

Those carnies, they probably got some crazy punishment

in store for me.

They're gonna skin me alive.

They're gonna take my dick, Andy.

Andy, they're gonna take my dick.

They're not gonna take your dick.

I think they might.

No, they're not.

Look, look, for all we know, we lost them.

Okay, yeah, they probably have your address on file.

- Oh, God. - What's going on?

There's a bunch of carnival folk outside, Bryn,

and they wanna kill me.

Are the furry twins there?

Did you hear what I said, Bryn? They want to kill me.

I'm go put on something nice.

I'm gonna go talk to them.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, don't do that, Andy.

Don't talk to them, there's no talking here.

- No talking. - Mark.

- No talking. - It's okay.

Look, this is what big brothers do.

Should have run when we had the chance, Andy, you idiot.

Mark, you have been found guilty

of two counts of carnival impropriety,

and in accordance with carnival law,

Jethro has chosen trial by combat.

- What? - Yeah.

Okay, we respect your customs,

but isn't a fight to the death a mid extreme?

It's not to death,

it's just to a certain degree of injury.

Oh, it's just to a certain degree of injury.

Then you fight him, Andy.

Okay, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark,

his one weakness is he overruns his passes.

This isn't football, you moron.

What the hell are you talking about?

Oh, my God, he is ripped.

He's even more ripped with his shirt off.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is my property,

so you can all clear off right now.

Please and thank you.

Sorry, sir.

This is an internal matter

pertaining to official carnival business

and once it's settled, we'll be outta here.

I know all about your carnival law.

That means I know

that the aggrieved could accept reconciliation in goods

rather than blood, if he or she so chooses.

Well, yes, but Jethro has chosen trial by combat.

Yes, well, Jethro hasn't seen what I have to offer.

For instance...

50 human skulls.

Where'd you get 'em?

Hey, when someone sells you 50 human skulls

at a fair price, you don't ask questions.

I hear that.

Rollie said it earlier.

What do you think, sweetheart?

If we pile up these skulls,

they'd make a nice shrine to your father.

Oh,

that would be really nice.

We'll take 'em.

You think Jethro would give me an autograph?

What the hell is wrong with you, man?

I'm sorry dad.

I never should have let Andy

talk me into joining the job market.

Yeah, that's right, son.

Listen, the next time you need money,

just come and see me.

How is that the lesson here?

He can't spend his whole life without a job.

Hey, you can just hush your mouth.

You pushed him into all this and you cost me 50 skulls.

- 50 skulls, Andy. - 50...

How's he gonna replace those, huh?

Those don't come along at a fair price every day.

Well, I'm just glad it all worked out for the best,

whole family back together in the kitchen doing our thing,

minus Bryn.

Where, where is Bryn?

I guarantee she followed those furry twins

back to the carnival.

Yes, that's a hundred percent

what happened.

Okay, well, I'm sure everything is just fine,

but just in case,

I think that we should probably all hop in the truck

and go track her down.

Okay, now please.

Now, now, now.

I'm actually feeling very worried about this.

Go, go, let's go, let's go.

* You can make your life a misery if you try *

* You can take a smile and change it to a sigh *

* But why not throw off that shroud *

* And then look beyond the cloud *

* There's an awful lot of sunshine in the sky *

* Dee da dee da dee da dee da dee da dee da *

* Yes, there's an awful lot of sunshine in the sky *