Original subtitles

Some might say, when it comes to the potato,

beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Ooh, that's good.

I'm gonna write that down.

Hey, man.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, check this out.

What the hell do you think that's supposed to be?

I don't know, read the description.

I did.

It just says, "Rare ancient bird."

Have you seen this over here?

Look at this.

Mark, can you please stop talking?

I'm trying to write down ideas

for this article that I'm pitching.

Oh, no, man.

Don't do that.

No, that's so boring.

Let's go have fun.

It's not boring.

It's about the cultural significance of the PEI potato.

That's not boring?

Which title do you like better?

"You Say Potato, I Say Identity."

- Oh. - Or, or...

"One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Us."

Neither of those.

Those are both terrible.

Terrible titles.

Bad titles.

Okay, Bryn, which one do you like?

My middle name is potato.

- What? - What?

What did you say?

My middle name is potato.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it's definitely not potato.

Gotcha.

- You... - No, you didn't.

You didn't get us.

We said it's not.

My middle name is actually Big Tony.

Is this the first time you've ever tried a prank?

- Gotcha. - Yeah.

No, you didn't say, "Gotcha."

- That's what I thought. - You didn't get us, Bryn.

We're not gotten.

You gotta work on pranks.

- Okay. - Okay.

Come on, let's go have fun, man.

It's such a nice day.

Mark, I can't go.

I have to work, all right? Some of us have to earn a living.

I earn a living, Andy.

How do you earn a living?

I pick up odd jobs here and there.

For instance, I recently drew a cover

for my buddy Dave's young adult fantasy novel.

You know, like, that genre?

Like "Twilight," how it's all about teen werewolves

and teen vampires kind of rubbing and porking

and and sucking on each other?

I don't think that's what it's about.

That's what it's about. Bryn, is that what it's about?

That's what it's about.

So anyway, Dave's novels like that,

except it's about teen swamp things.

- It's called "Swamp Academy." - Yeah.

And there's the cover I drew.

Oh my God, Mark.

That is actual porn.

I know, I kept waiting for them to gimme notes,

but they just signed off on the whole thing.

Don't zoom in.

Don't zoom!

- Look at that guy. - Oh my God.

- That's so many fluids. - That's the neighbor.

- Wow. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, yeah, Bryn, you wanna see that?

Oh, actually, I'm gonna...

All right, that's her phone now.

That's okay.

That's her phone.

* De-Dah-De-Dah-De-Dah-De-Dah-De-Dah-De-Da *

I just don't understand

why everything works out for you

and nothing works out for me.

You wanna know why that is?

It's because I open myself up to the universe.

I say, "Yes."

We are taught to say, "No."

I'm serious.

Don't do drugs.

Don't talk to strangers.

Stranger danger.

You know what I call stranger danger?

Stranger opportunity.

Those stranger danger videos

are meant to keep kids from getting kidnapped.

Yeah, well, I say let yourself be kidnapped.

See the world.

Hey, here's something we can do.

You wanna go swim with the lobsters?

I don't think that's what lobster tours means.

Yeah, but who knows what it means?

That's a mystery.

Mark, no, I just want to go to the hospital,

give dad his clothes, and finish my article.

Ooh, I've got a great idea.

I'm writing it from the perspective of the potato.

- No. - What?

You said to say, "Yes!"

Not to your own crappy ideas, Andy, to the universe!

To swimming with the lobsters, or zip lining,

or two Anne of Green Gables walking right at us.

Oh my God.

Can we escape from this?

Or are we kind of locked in?

Yeah, we're locked in.

- Hello, gentlemen. - Hi.

- You're new here. - I'm sorry?

I'm Beverly Clinch, the Artistic Director

of the Cavendish Theater Company.

And these, these are my Annes.

Your Annes, yes, your Annes.

Hmm, well, two of them at least.

This titan of the stage played Anne from 1965 to 1980.

And Linda over here is our current Anne.

You direct the local "Anne of Green Gables" play?

Indeed.

My Annes and I have been watching you

ever since you arrived in town.

In fact, many of us are watching you still.

Oh my goodness!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Oh.

Yeah, all right.

Simply put, Cavendish is the home

of "Anne of Green Gables," and it is my job every year

to put on a theatrical experience that honors that heritage.

And I'm currently casting peripheral roles for the play.

You, sir, are Gilbert Blythe.

Me?

Gilbert Blythe?

Anne's love interest.

You've got that handsome face, that lean build,

that popularity with women that, I mean, I assume you have.

- More or less, yeah. - Yes.

And you.

You are creepy Ted.

I'm sorry, creepy Ted?

He's a lesser known character in the books.

A terrible old man whose only job

is to make sure that horses are excited,

you know, before breeding.

He's a total creep,

but he does have the opportunity to change

at the end of the play.

He, of course, you know, rejects this opportunity

somehow becoming more creepy than he was to begin with,

and ultimately dying at the noble hand of Gilbert Blythe

while an aroused Clydesdale looks on.

We will take it.

We're in.

- Say no more. - No, what?

That sounds like a wonderful play.

- I can't wait for the climax. - Hold on.

Oh, yeah, hold on.

We're not going to take it.

For one thing, I have a writer's deadline.

Self-imposed, but still.

- Self-imposed. - Yeah.

And secondly, you haven't seen us act.

Acting.

Acting comes from in here.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I feel it.

I feel it.

Oh yeah, you were....

That really hurt.

Well, I've seen all I need to see from you two.

The smug, handsome affability of a young Gilbert

and the creepiness of creepy Ted.

Think on my offer, gentlemen.

Rehearsals begin tomorrow.

Okay.

Annes?

No, no.

Why not, man?

This is exactly what I meant

about saying yes to the universe.

Yeah, easy to say yes to the universe

when it gives you a juicy role like Gilbert Blythe,

which is insane, by the way.

You are nothing like Gilbert.

How could you say that to me?

You don't even know what I'm talking about.

You haven't read the books.

I don't need to read the books. Gilbert never read books.

You don't know that.

You didn't read the books.

That's a good point.

Hey, do you think Dad wanted clean underwear as well?

I don't know.

Rollie, wake up!

Okay, I'm gonna hit him with the paddles.

- Gimme some space here. - Oh, oh, no.

All right, clear!

What's going on, what's going on?

What's going on?

- Oh, my goodness. - Oh my God, Dad?

Okay, your father had another cardiac event.

Come on, Rollie.

Oh my gosh.

Rollie.

Is he okay?

I'm sorry, everybody.

He's gone.

Oh.

What?

He was fine this morning.

Yes, well, medical situations can change very quickly.

Oh my...

- God! - God, that was a prank?

What?

That was incredible!

Whew.

What?

- Oh God. - Whew.

Oh wow.

Your faces, your faces.

Bryn should take notes on how to do pranks from you guys.

That was top notch.

How was my acting?

I really thought I was gonna give it away,

but that was so much fun.

No, that was incredible.

No, you were a triumph, Ruth.

Oh my goodness.

I mean, we could talk about your acting all day.

But actually, somebody actually really needs this, so.

Oh boy.

See you, Dr. Green.

You know this hospital is refreshingly chill.

Yeah.

So how are you two boys settling in?

Oh, great.

Andy and I just got offered roles

in the upcoming "Anne of Green Gables" play.

- That's wonderful. - Yeah.

Let me guess, Gilbert.

Yes, that's right.

Of course.

What with your handsome face, and your lean build,

and your popularity with the women,

which I assume you have.

More or less.

And you are creepy Ted!

How on earth did you know that?

Oh, that's great.

That's a terrific role.

Who's playing the horse?

I don't know.

I'm not doing it.

Why not?

Because I don't wanna be a creep in the background

while this guy does a character he knows nothing about.

Look out Anne, here come the gables!

Wonderful.

That's quite a good accent.

Gilbert isn't British.

Well, what does that have to do with anything?

You are going to be in a play

without even auditioning for it.

That's fate.

That's the universe giving you a gift.

That is exactly what I said, Ruth.

Yeah, the universe doesn't give gifts.

- Okay, so- - Whoa!

The universe doesn't give gifts?

Andy, it is the universe.

Hello?

Hello.

You know if nothing else,

the experience might make a neat article.

That is a good point.

Andy, that's a good point.

Yeah, it is a good point.

That's the spirit.

He's coming around.

- All right! - Great to hear.

And you know, after my little performance,

I sort of think that I could be an actor.

Could you see in movies?

- Eh... - Yeah.

Oh, you are out of order.

You are out of order.

This whole courtroom's out of order.

- Yeah. - It's not bad.

She's a natural, quite natural.

I'm Bond, James Bond.

Nice to meet ya.

- That's nice. - That's pretty good.

Did you my wife?

Did you my wife?

Tell me if you did.

- "Raging Bull," I like it. - Yeah.

I'm gonna beat the outta you.

That's enough, Ruth.

Yeah.

Oh, that's enough.

Okay, Rollie.

Where the hell are we?

I know, right?

Yeah, I think this is gonna be a lot of fun, man.

We're gonna have a good time.

Yeah, well, if this gets weird at any moment,

we are out of here, all right?

Of course.

Yeah, say no more.

Well, looks okay to me.

Hi, guys.

A lot of ya, huh?

So I hear you're our new Gilbert.

That's very exciting.

Oh yeah.

Are you the new Anne?

Oh goodness, no.

It's been almost 10 years since I last played her.

Oh, well you haven't aged a day.

Or maybe you have,

but you looked like a little kid back then.

You like that one, huh?

Yeah, it's a pretty good one, yeah.

So this is the house.

And you two will be rooming with Travis,

who we've cast as Matthew Cuthbert.

Ah, yes.

Matthew Cuthbert from the books.

I'm sorry, is this an overnight thing?

Because we didn't pack any bags.

Don't worry.

All will be provided.

Sort of a haunting way to say that.

Yeah, it is.

Mark.

No service, that's great.

Stop worrying, man.

Sure, we're in the middle of nowhere

and all the ladies are dressed the same

like a very on-the-nose horror movie.

But those ladies are pretty nice.

Did you meet Grace?

Which one's Grace?

She was the Anne in her forties

with the really focused stare, and I never saw her blink.

You should find out if she's single.

I'm not here to pick up, Mark.

I'm here because you convinced me

this was some sort of cosmic good idea or whatever.

Yeah, but you could still pick up

while you're here, you know?

I bet if you sleep with one Anne,

all the other Annes know a bit.

I bet that's true.

I bet they're all a bit like, "Ooh, that was good."

Look, Mark.

You promised me we could leave if it got weird.

It's weird.

It's not weird, man.

It's good.

You just need to get acclimated.

Trust me.

This is gonna be a really fun time.

Right, Travis?

We're all gonna die here.

- Oh, for sake. - Yes.

- Thank you. - Come on, Travis.

Thank you, Travis.

- No, not, thank you. - Thank you.

No.

Travis is an idiot.

I gave him too much credit.

Travis, why do you say that?

I had a dream.

- Oh, Jesus. - Let him finish.

I had a dream where all these women were torturing me.

They wanted what only I as a man could give them.

My seed.

I begged them to stop, but they wouldn't.

And then they took my member in their hands.

Yeah, okay, enough.

And then they enough began to take...

Travis, no more.

Let's clam that up, okay?

Yeah, no, I think I'm with Mark on that one.

That sounds more like a sex dream

than a premonition, Travis.

It was a little of both.

Cool.

Okay, not that I want to hear anything more from you,

but if you had that dream and you're convinced it's real,

why would you still come here?

I really wanna be an actor.

Holy hell, that's the most pathetic thing

I've ever heard in my life.

Why isn't he creepy Ted?

Idea for an article.

Isolation, boredom.

We are currently in an old, I wanna say, Georgian house.

It is the middle of nowhere.

My feelings so far, nervousness and a penetrating dread

plus some hunger that was staved off

because Mark thought to bring peaches.

My sisters and I want your seed.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Andy, look.

Look what's happening to the crotch of his pants.

I know what you want me to look at, Mark,

and I am not looking.

Gentlemen, it's time.

Oh no.

Please, gentlemen, come join us in the circle.

Anne, hello, Anne.

Hi, hello, everyone.

Nice to see you all again.

Here in the presence of Vivian, the oldest living Anne,

and in the name of Lucy Maud Montgomery,

the creator from whose pen sprung a world,

we move into this new year

with a ritual that we do every year.

The twisting of the tongues.

Unique New York.

Unique New York.

PEI pizza pie.

PEI pizza pie.

And Anne had a plan to flummox the man.

Anne had a plan to flummox the man.

Inhale, Anne.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Anne.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Anne, be honest.

Do you ever think about leaving Green Gables?

Oh, I don't know, Gilbert.

I maybe had a thought like that once.

But then I looked around at all the green, all the gables.

And I remembered, this is home.

Andy.

Andy.

Why don't you two kiss so I can watch?

Get out of here, creepy Ted!

Can't you see, we don't want you!

Why don't you make me, Gilbert?

Mayhaps I shall!

- Hey! - No, no, no.

This is good. Use the fear, use the fear.

Clearly Gilbert is a stronger man than you,

but you, you're a proud old creep, aren't you?

Aren't you, Ted?

That's right, you proud old creep!

Fight me, you old bastard!

That's not in the script.

Forget the script!

Use the moment!

Come at me, creepy Ted, you old bastard!

Bold bastard!

Okay, alright.

Screw you, Gilbert!

Anne deserves better than you!

- Better than me? - Yes.

Like who, creepy Ted?

Like you?

Yes, like me!

With your receding hairline

and your litany of magazine rejection letters?

Hey!

Oh, he doesn't like that.

Creepy Ted doesn't like it!

No, creepy Ted doesn't like that!

Well, come at me, creepy Ted!

Show me what you got!

Mother!

- Get off me. - Get off of me!

Get off of me!

How was that?

That felt really good.

What's this?

Oh, I'm just using it to take some notes.

Notes?

You're um...

- You're a spy? - What?

No, I'm a writer.

What rival theater company are you writing for?

The Eastern Front?

Charlottetown Players?

It's just for a magazine article or something.

- Liar! - Oh wow.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, okay.

Ladies, I feel like there's been

some sort of a misunderstanding here.

Andy's not a spy or anything interesting like that.

He's just a very boring writer

who documents the history of potatoes for instance.

I'm also writing a semi-autobiographical novel.

Like I said, very boring.

Holy moly.

It's my member you want.

My member!

Okay, Travis.

I feel like you're misreading this situation, pal.

Maybe not, maybe not, okay.

I think Travis wanted that to happen.

Jesus, okay, let's go.

Go, go, go.

- Go, go, go. - Come on, go.

Lock the door.

Okay, okay.

Shh, shh, shh.

Do you think they heard us come down?

I don't think so.

Oh, this is how I die.

Yeah, alone in a backwoods farmhouse,

murdered by a bunch of Anne Shirleys.

Who the hell is Shirley?

That's Anne's last name. You still haven't read the books?

When would I have read the books, Andy?

I don't know, browse a Wikipedia article.

It's gonna be fine.

They don't know where we are.

Let's just wait until they go to bed

and then sneak out the back.

Okay, they might know where we are.

Give yourself over to the universe.

Well, what happens when your life's a toilet

and the universe takes a big old dump?

Oh, that's good.

You should write that one down, actually.

Travis was right, Mark.

We are gonna die here.

No, Andy, Travis was wrong in every respect.

And I'm not dying tonight.

I can promise you that.

Storm doors.

Are there storm doors?

- There are storm doors. - Oh, thank God.

I was not ready to use this. Let's go.

Oh, God.

- Okay. - Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

What?

The car keys are in the house.

What?

Yes, the car keys are in the house!

- I got this. - What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

I'm gonna break it so we can get in and we can drive away!

I can't drive the car, okay?

I don't have the car keys!

Oh, you need 'em for the ignition.

Yes, I need 'em for the ignition, Mark.

I'm sorry, I forgot about that part.

- Oh, just hotwire! - Hotwire it?

Hotwire the car!

I don't know how to hotwire cars!

- Touch the, touch the... - Touch the what?

- The wires? - The wires together!

- The wires? - Touch the wires together!

Yeah, like they do in the movies?

The carjackers do in the movies?

Yeah, yeah!

That's a movie, Mark!

Okay, well, I don't know what's movie and what's real!

Oh my God.

What don't you think before you go around

smashing things with the heel of a sword?

You say that like that's a thing I do.

- I did that once. - Oh my...

Gentlemen...

Should we run?

No.

- Don't worry, pal. - What?

- I got this. - What are you doing?

Annes?

It's time for you to meet your...

Oh crap, it's decorative.

It's a decorative sword, Andy!

Okay, hi.

Here's the thing.

Andrew, you've broken a sacred trust here tonight.

We invited you into the fold and you repaid us with deceit.

Now this is your final warning.

Either tell us who you're working for

or we will be forced...

to fire you from the play.

Is that it?

Was that all that's gonna happen?

Creepy Ted!

Creepy Ted!

- Oh! - Whoa.

Vivian!

I will not kiss in front of you,

you creepy horse tugger!

We were standing there like,

"What the hell is going on?"

And Andy starts screaming,

"I'm not creepy Ted!

I'm not creepy Ted!

Please, I'm not creepy Ted!"

That's so adorable!

I think I'm gonna piss my pants.

I'll tell ya, it's really good to laugh again.

Shut up, Dr. Green.

This is why I don't open myself up

to the universe, you know?

Because nothing means anything.

Travis opened himself up to the universe

and he got trampled to death.

Well, actually, medically speaking,

that's nearly to death.

How you doing, partner?

Better.

And at least it took a whole pack of them to take me down.

Oh, hell yeah, Travis.

That's my man!

You like Travis now?

I'm coming around to him.

Oh anyway, it looks like everything worked out in the end.

You guys will have to excuse me though.

I have to inform a family that a loved one didn't make it.

So, excuse me.

Hey, you guys wanna see some photos

of that old lady taking out Andy?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- You got photos? - Yeah, I got photos.

Ow, look at that!

- Whoa, whoa! - Aw, come on man.

That's his phone anyway.

Bryn's got mine.

* You can make your life a misery if you try *

* You can take a smile and change it to a sigh *

* But by not throw off that trout *

* And then look beyond the cloud *

* 'Cause there's an awful lot of sunshine in the sky *

* De-Dah-De-Dah-De-Dah-De-Dah-De-Dah-De-Da *

* Yes, there's an awful lot of sunshine in the sky *