Original subtitles

- How do I look? - Eh.

You look a lot better than Bonzo Moretti.

Who's Bonzo Moretti?

Bonzo Moretti is the guy that we took

that coat and tie from.

[laughs]

His coat, his tie...

...and one of his socks, too.

- Come on, man. - And exit stage right.

[indistinct chatter]

This, uh, job's getting to me, Julie.

Oh, what's the matter, Mr. Woodman?

I swear I just saw Juan Epstein wearing a coat and tie.

Either that or Bonzo Moretti's hair exploded.

That was a tie.

I thought his tongue was hanging out.

Juan's going on a job interview.

What's he gonna be, a yo-yo tester?

[laughing]

Why? Do you need one?

[laughing]

I'll believe Epstein gets a job

when I see the Statue of Liberty skinny-dipping.

Come on, Mr. Woodman. It's almost practically a sure thing.

Come on, what kinda dumb-dumb nitwit

would guarantee him a job?

Your niece, Kelly.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

- Alright, alright. - Yeah, yeah.

So what, this is the Fat Away Health Spa, huh?

Yeah, yeah, otherwise known as

the "Brooklyn Home For Wayward Thighs."

[laughing]

Samson Malone, this is Freddie Washington.

Freddie, Samson runs this joint.

Hey, man, where's your hand at, man?

It's nice to meet you, alright.

Hey, look at the reach on him.

What is it, 76, 78 inches, huh?

- Yeah-- - How much do you weigh?

Hundred sixty-six, hundred sixty-seven?

Yeah, yeah. Ab-about that much, yeah.

Yeah, well, shave a few pounds

and you'll make a heck of a middleweight.

- Hoo-hoo, yeah. - Yeah.

His IQ test says he's a lightweight.

Eh, get outta here.

Eh, um, eh, um, Samson, E-Epstein was tellin' me

you used to be a boxer.

Ah, yeah, before I retired

I had...32 great fights.

- Ooh! Ee, not at all dead. - Out of a 168?

[Epstein] Come on, try to get me, huh?

Come on, come on, I'm only kiddin' you.

- I'm only kiddin' you. - You're alright, kid.

- Hi, guys. - Hey, Kelly.

Hey, what's happening, Kelly?

Well, back to the war on cellulite.

I'll see you guys later.

Listen, Juan, I'm on my break now.

Why don't we go call that store

and talk to the owner about your job?

Sure. Freddie!

I'm ready to step up to the workin' class.

- Huh? - Ooh, get down!

[thud]

Eh, Juan, I hope you enjoyed your trip.

I'll see you next fall.

- Oh! - Oh. Go ahead.

You first, lady. Go ahead.

You think I need it more than you do, huh?

Ah, nah, I think you're in a terrific shape for a old...

...for a young lady.

- For a beat-up old bag? - Now, listen here, ma'am.

Why're you puttin' words in my mouth?

Well, somebody has to.

You're not doin' a very good job of it.

Now, wait a minute there. You better back off.

You don't know me that good.

Now, don't you tell me what to do.

Or I'll take you in the ring and I'll flatten you!

[laughing]

Are you crazy, woman?

I don't care if you work out in this gym

every single day your life, you ain't gonna never

be able to beat Freddie Washington.

And you know why? Because I've got moves that are smooth.

You know, I mean, my hands... they fast as lightnin'.

My feet never touch... the ground.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

'Cause I float... like a butterfly.

And I sting... like a natural, you got it?

And when you bend over to climb into the ring

I'll cold-cock you with this.

- Alright, you win, I lose. - Ha ha ha.

Hey, lady, you're alright, you cool.

You're not so bad yourself.

I'm Mrs. Gladstone Trevors-Smythe.

Oh, yeah, my name is Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington.

And everyday I'll be goin' boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Everyday, boom, boom.

Are you from around here, Freddie?

Oh, yeah, I lived in Brooklyn all my life.

But things are bound to get better.

[laughing] That's the spirit.

Go in there and give 'em what you got.

You know, when my husband, Gladstone, died

everybody thought that was the end of me, too.

You know, I bet they didn't say that to your face

'cause I know you would've fractured their nose. Huh?

- That's for sure. - Get that.

No, it's just that I'd been married for so long

no one thought I could get along on my own.

- But I showed 'em. - Alright.

I jog a mile every day. I work out here.

And I got the snazziest little antique shop in Brooklyn.

"These and Those Antiques."

Oh, I-I know that place. "Them's and Those Antiques?"

I know that place, man, that-that's, um

by-by old Louie's candy store, right?

Right. Have you ever been in there?

Oh, nah, we got enough antiques at home at my house.

All the furniture's early repossessed.

[laughs]

You know, I could use a nice young man

like you in the shop. Can you work after school?

You jivin'. You gonna me a job?

- Yeah. - In antique business?

[laughs] T-that's incredible work.

It ever sure enough make my mama feel good.

Does your mother admire fine antiques?

Nah, she just admires the ink on her weekly paycheck.

Then it's all settled.

- You can start tomorrow. - Alright!

- "These and Those Antiques." - "Them's and Those."

Right next to the candy store.

"Them's and Those Antiques" by Louie!

Oooh, got a gig! Oh-ho! Hey, yo, Juan, Juan, Juan.

What happened, man? What happened with your job?

The lady wasn't there when we called.

But I'm gonna stop by her shop tomorrow.

'Cause Kelly says the job is in the bag.

- Alright, check this part out. - What's that?

I got a job too! I start tomorrow!

Freddie, I don't believe it. We're gonna be rich.

We're gonna be rollin' in the dough.

Yeah, we're gonna be up to our armpits in moolah, huh?

Let's go celebrate, man. Let's buy a pizza or somethin'.

With what?

Oh, maybe we should've took Bonzo Moretti's wallet too.

Freddie, can you help me over here a minute?

Oh, sure enough in a minute, Mrs. Trevors-Smythe.

I just gotta finish unpacking these plaster dolls.

My dear boy, those are worth over $500.

Five hundred dollars?

You sure they're legal?

[laughs] Oh, of course.

They're 19th-century porcelain figurines.

Wow,19th century!

Man, new ones must cost a fortune.

Oh, let me take care of that.

You go into the storeroom

and get the pachyderm pet umbrella stand.

Pachyderm... Alright.

Aye aye, captain.

[chuckles]

Good morning, young man. May I help you?

Aye, in more ways than you know.

I'm-I'm here for my job interview.

But before you say a word let me just say

you're in good hands... with Epstein.

Job inter... Oh! You must be Kelly's friend.

- Yeah, I'm the very one. - Oh.

She said what a fine young man you are.

And it's so good of you to come down, but...

I'm sorry, the position has been filled.

Filled with what?

A very nice, young man I hired just yesterday.

Hey, boss, w-w-where do you want this elephant thing?

Hey, yo, Juan! What's happenin'? What's happenin'? Alright!

- Man, how you feelin'? - Well, good!

You know each other. Then you'll excuse me.

I have to sort out my spittoons.

What's happenin', man? Who's hangin' out at the park, man?

Freddie, what're you doin' here?

What do you mean what I'm doin here, It's the new job

- I told you I started, I-- - Your job?

This is the job that Kelly set up for me.

What are you talkin'... W-wait a minute.

I-I didn't know this was the job that you was comin' for.

Come on, come on. Don't hand me that, Freddie.

It's okay you got the job.

Looks like you're happy. See you later, Freddie.

W-wait a minute, Juan. Hold up, man! Wait a minute, man.

I don't know what you talkin' about. What's happenin', man?

I'll tell you what I'm talkin' about, Freddie.

You can take this job and you can take our friendship

and you can jam it... right in that umbrella stand.

Hey, yo, Mr. Kotter, what's up?

Hey, Freddie!

Well...

How you like being a workin' man, huh?

Oh, it's cool, man, you know. I'm learnin' a lot.

You know, I'm glad to see you workin' in a place like this.

Gives you a little culture.

You won't believe this, but there's a lot of people

out there that don't know the difference

between antiques and junk.

You know, I know that, Mr. Kotter, but, uh

do you know the difference between antiques and junk?

- What? - Oh, it's about $200.

You deal in old jokes here, too?

Yeah, you want me to come by your house

and pick up all of yours?

♪ Ta da ta da ta pa ram pum ♪♪

Listen, Freddie, uh...

...I saw Juan last night.

What happened between you guys?

[sighs] I don't know, Mr. Kotter.

I don't know what's wrong with that guy.

He just blabbin' off at me. H-he's mad at me.

He keeps sayin' that I aced him out of this gig here.

Did you?

No, Mr. Kotter, I-I would never do

something like that to Juan.

I don't know, Freddie, you've done worse things.

How about the time you glued all the pages

in his, uh, history book together?

He-he didn't get mad at that.

Yeah, well, he would've if he ever found out about it.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, ahem...

...I-I would never take a guy's gig, man.

I couldn't do that, especially to Juan, man, I mean...

There's this this lady who owns this place.

Her name is Ms. Trevors-Smythe.

She hired me for the job

before I even knew that it was Juan's job.

Well, why didn't you explain that to him?

I tried to explain it to him, Mr. Kotter.

He won't listen to me. He's just too hot-headed.

I even tried to get Ms. Trevors-Smythe

to fire me and to hire Juan. You know what she told me, man?

She says, "I don't wanna have any part of it.

You're the guy I want for the job."

Freddie, look.

You know, try talkin' to Juan again, alright.

Maybe he's cooled down.

You guys have come too far to let

something like this make you enemies.

Uh, uh, look, I-I tried, Mr. Kotter, alright?

Samson, I want you to show me how I can cream this guy.

Hey, take it easy, kid.

Back off into a neutral corner for a minute.

Freddie's got... He's six inches taller than you.

Come on, come on, Juan Epstein don't know

the meanin' of the word tall.

Well, I'll explain it to you.

Tall means he'll break your face.

There's more to life than just a pretty face.

Come on, Sams, I want you to show me the old one-two, huh?

Alright, come over here.

Now, there's just two things you gotta remember.

One, keep your face covered and two, keep movin'.

Now, let me see your fightin' stance.

Uh... come here, kid.

- Pretty good, huh? - One other little thing.

When he knocks your teeth out don't swallow them.

♪ Oh Shenandoah ♪

♪ I love your daughter ♪

♪ Away you rolling river ♪♪

- Hi, honey. What? - Arnold.

As long as we're having company

why don't we use the good jelly glasses?

Oh, that's right.

It's Yogi Bear for every day

and the Flintstones for company.

You know, Mary, even though we've been married

for such a very short period of time

already I feel a certain

responsibility and maturity

that I never felt before.

Oh, Mary, be sure that I get to sit here

so that I can have the Bam-Bam glass.

[laughing] Oh, Arnold.

I'm so happy being married to you.

And we're a lot luckier than most couples.

By working here for my uncle we get see each other all day.

Oh, yeah. It's a great job.

Especially... the fringe benefits.

Arnold, you have that same look in your eye

that you had this morning at the mimeo machine.

Care for a duplication?

[knock at door]

Greetings, honeymooners.

[laughing]

This is my contribution to tonight's feast.

Got some hush puppies, some catfish.

And last but not least...

...shoofly pie.

Where'd you shop, the zoo?

Arnold.

Shoofly pie is probably delicious.

Oh, you eat it? Oh!

I thought you hung it up to keep away the flies.

Mm, good.

Hey, you know when we eat...

...can I have the Bam-Bam glass?

- No! - Alright.

Look, so when are Juan and Freddie due to arrive?

Uh, got about five peaceful minutes.

Well, you know, after that little run-in over the job

I'm surprised they're comin' to dinner together.

[laughs] Yeah.

They're gonna be surprised too.

You see, neither one of them knows that the other one

doesn't know that the other one is coming.

Well said, Arnold.

We need men like you in Washington.

You see, I feel, that if we can get

those two crazy kids together

and act like two civilized human beings

in this room, well, then...

...Brooklyn will once again be safe for truth, justice...

...and the American way.

[Beau] Arnold... you're the only guy I know

that took notes during Superman.

[knock at door]

Oh, the tension mounts.

Oh, don't get up. I'll get it.

- Hey, Arnold. - Hi, Freddie. How you doin'?

- Hey, what's goin' on, Beau? - Hey, how you doin', Freddie?

Hey, Mary. I brought y'all a house-warming gift.

- Check it out. - Wow, what is it?

- It's an old incense burner. - Oh, that's very nice.

- Thank you, Freddie. - Thank you, Freddie.

That's very ni... Look.

Beau brought us some shoofly pie.

Yeah, well put it in there and light it.

Let's see what happens.

Now, listen, you eat shoofly pie.

Your mama eats shoofly pie.

Hey, can I, um, sip on one of those Bam-Bam glasses?

No!

- Hi. - Hi, Mary. Hi, guys.

[Freddie] Hey, Kelly, how you're doin?

Kelly, uh, where's Juan?

Oh, he's still trying to find you

a nice house-warming gift.

Now? Stores are all closed.

Oh, he's not gonna buy anything.

He's just trying to find something.

- Hey, Arnold. - Hey, Juan.

Here's a little something I brought you from,

uh... the Westside.

Way over on the Westside.

Mary, look what Juan brought us.

Well... Now all our guests are here.

Oh, yeah. Come on over here.

Hey, uh, Juan, uh... Hi.

Two of your guests are leaving, Arnold.

- Oh, no. - Hey, come on, Juan, hold up.

W-wait, hey, man, I mean, as long as we're here

you know at least let's talk about this thing, man.

Yeah, that's the idea. We're all adults here.

Now, you two can settle your little differences.

Sure, sure, like the fact that I'm trustworthy and honest

and he's a two-faced sneak, right?

Hey, Juan, look, man, if you want the job

that bad you can have it, man!

Come on, Freddie, I don't want your job.

I don't want anything from a backstabber.

You better watch your mouth, you unemployed sheep--

Come on, Freddie! Come on.

Now, you guys are acting like children, come on.

Yeah, well, he had a lot of practice.

Oh. Right, right. Okay, look.

Why don't you two just put the gloves on

and get it over with?

Well, that sounds great. That sounds great to me.

- If Freddie's got the guts. - Okay, Epstein.

- Come on show, what you want-- - Don't worry, Mary.

We had to redecorate the place anyway!

The only thing I'm gonna redecorate is Washington's face.

Will you guys cool it?

I'm not gonna let you make a shambles

out of my wife's and my apartment!

If you two insist on acting like morons

at least go down to the spa put the boxing gloves on

and act like grown-up morons.

- Sounds fine to me. - Yeah, well.

- That's fine with me too, man. - Freddie.

Hey, I'm cool, don't worry.

- Freddie. - Hey, I'm cool.

- Freddie. - Hey, what's the idea?

You know what I'mma do for you, man?

What, what're you gonna do for me?

I'm gon' show you what a train wreck feels like.

- Up close. Yeah. - Oh, yeah? Well, let's go.

- Yeah. - Let's go, Freddie.

Well, that leaves more shoofly pie for us.

Well, here you are. The spa's closed.

So there won't be anyone in your way.

So, you're on your own to fight it out.

Idiot to idiot.

- Come on, Freddie, let's go. - Hey, I'm ready for you.

Yeah, ooh-hoo, yeah, ah-ha.

- Come on. Come on. - Ready?

Yeah, ah-ha, yeah, ah-ha.

- Yeah, come on. Yeah! Yeah! - Come on, yeah!

- Freddie, stop. - What?

I don't wanna dent my hands on your face.

What do you say we use the boxing gloves, huh?

Yeah, get your security measures. Go ahead.

'Cause I'm feeling good.

- Here, Freddie, here you go. - I'm ready for you.

Freddie is ready.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's the idea?

I thought this was gonna be a equal opportunity fight.

Alright, here you go, we go halfsies then, huh?

Alright, that's cool.

Wait a minute. What I'm supposed to do with two right hands?

Come on, come on, I don't need these two boxing gloves.

Come on, let's go. Come on, let's go.

- Ooh. Yeah. Yeah. - Come on. Come on.

- Come on! Come on! - Yeah! Yeah!

- Come on! Come on! - Yeah! Yeah!

- Hold it! - What? What?

You wanna go up against a guy...

...who could press 200 pounds?

You can press 200 pounds?

You take a look over here, Freddie.

[breathing heavily]

Hi-yah!

Hey, Juan! You alright? You alright, Juan. Take it easy.

You don't wanna hurt yourself. Ready?

- One, two, three. - One, two, three.

[grunting]

You wanna go up against a guy who could do this, huh?

I'm not too sure! Juan, I'm not too sure!

- Okay, okay. - Come on, put it down.

Alright, alright.

Aah, oh! My foot, my foot!

It's alright, Juan. It's alright.

Not that foot. This foot, over here.

- Oh! - Lift it up, lift it up.

Hey, Juan, you alright? You alright?

Yeah, yeah, I was just testing your reflexes, that's all.

Eh, you're crazy.

I just want you to know that my reflexes is ready

and steady and hot.

Check it out. Ow!

Ah, you know, it's-it's-it's an old trainin' trick.

You know, it-it builds up strength in your arms and legs.

- So, you can switch your foot. - Yeah, sure, sure.

You'll need to have strength in your arms and legs

to avoid these fists of fire.

[grunting]

[clanking]

Ah!

Come on, Juan, stop playin' around here.

Let's get this fight on. Get on the mat.

I'll move this stupid weight out of the way.

Ah! Ah!

- Come over here. - Come on, I ain't--

- Come here, punk! - I ain't afraid of you.

- Come here, punk! - Come on, let's go.

- Yeah. - Come on, let's go. Come on.

- Ready? - Yeah!

Come on. Let's go. Come on.

- Yeah-yeah! - Yeah-yeah!

[laughing]

You know somethin'?

We just made boxin' history.

Two fighters that knocked each other out

without throwing a punch.

[laughing]

- Come on, let's get up. - Huh, yeah.

I didn't wanna hit you, Freddie. You know what I mean?

I'm glad. 'Cause almost fightin' you almost killed me.

[laughs]

Freddie, you know somethin'?

About that job, I'm really sorry

about the big stink I made about it, really.

It's your job. You earned it, you keep it, huh?

Oh, Juan, man.

You know, I always knew that our friendship was...

...lot bigger than any job.

- Friends, huh? - Friends.

To the end, right?

[laughing] Yeah, yeah.

[Samson clears throat] Pardon me, gentlemen.

You guys wanna dance, I'll put on some music

and turn down the lights.

[laughing]

Don't worry, kid, you will play the violin again.

- Sure, sure. - Yo, Samson.

Will I ever be able to dance "Swan Lake?"

You're a crazy kid.

Listen, I've been in fights where the referee

got hurt worse than you guys.

Yeah, I ain't never been in no fight like this.

Every place on me hurts except for my face.

A good hot shower and you'll both be as good as new.

Listen, kid...

...the other day, I saw that you had spunk.

And today I saw that you also had common sense.

I could use a kid like you around here.

- You're gonna give me a job? - Yeah.

When do I start?

As soon as the swelling goes down.

Come on, come on.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learning in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again ♪

♪ And what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪