Original subtitles

Listen to this one.

"Woodman is a test tube baby."

You know what?

I think he looks more like a Mason jar baby.

Labarre.

What are you laughing at?

What am I laughing at?

Uh, I'm laughing that somebody could be so foolish

as to write something like that

about such a fine man.

Thank you, de Labarre.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get some paint and cover up that filth.

Thank you, my boy.

That's only the beginning.

See, when I get done there

I'm going over the boys' restroom

and cover up all the disparaging remarks

about you in there too.

'Course, it may take several gallons of paint.

That's splendid, my boy.

I'll tell you what, after you've finished that

you come to my office, I'll give you the key

do the same thing in the faculty men's room.

Hello, Mr. Woodman.

Oh, that's easy for you to say.

Oh, well, somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

I haven't been to bed in two nights.

Night before last I had to take Mr. Hicks out to dinner.

You mean the Mr. Hicks

that's retiring from the school board?

Hm. Didn't get home till after midnight.

Thought he would never pick up the check.

Then when I did get home

the refrigerator was on the blink

so I had to stay up and eat the doggy bag.

Nah, couldn't let it go to waste.

And that weirdo Hicks, you know

he orders his steaks blood rare.

I could hardly get his leftovers down.

And then I had to stay up all last night

with these full student evaluation reports.

Here, why don't you just give these to me.

You go into your office and sit down

and I will look them over and then put them

in the student files, okay?

Oh. Thanks, Julie.

Hold all my calls, will you?

- Yup. - Go and try to get 40 winks.

Can't face the world without my beauty sleep.

And vice versa.

Hi, Arnold. What can I do for you?

Well, I just stopped by to see if the supplies

for the school store have come in yet?

Oh... just a second, Arnold.

Hello? Yeah.

Oh, great, thanks.

Yeah, I'll be right down.

Okay, thanks a lot. Bye, bye.

Arnold, look.

Miss Vatelli in Home EC, she hemmed this skirt for me

and I have to go downstairs and try it on.

Oh, that Miss Vatelli, she's great at hemming.

Also hawing.

Um, look, Arnold, will you do me a big favor

and man the phones for me while I'm gone?

- Oh, sure, you just run along. - Okay, thanks, Arnold.

And don't you worry your pretty little head.

I will run this office with the same efficiency

and courtesy that you yourself would.

Bye.

Yee-haw!

[telephone ringing]

It's your dime, spill it.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Minotti.

Oh, Harold isn't gonna be in today?

He's gonna be late?

We'll never miss him.

I love power.

Well, well, Mrs. Kotter.

You've done something different with your hair.

Yeah, but she put it on the wrong head.

That's not funny, boys.

Mrs. Kotter has stepped away momentarily

and I am the new captain of the helm.

Whoa, abandon ship, abandon ship.

Are you here on official business

or did you just stop by to make your sophomoric remarks?

What do you mean, sophomoric remarks?

C'mon, man, we gave up those kind of remarks years ago.

Now we're doing senior moric remarks.

Yeah, actually we came in so I could con Mrs. Kotter

out of an off-campus pass.

Well, unfortunately, Mrs. Kotter is not here

and you would be wasting your time

because I, Arnold "will-of-iron" Horshack

cannot be conned.

What a pity.

What a pity.

You know, I was thinking about taking all four of us

out to lunch over at the Pizza Plaza.

Fortunately, Arnold "will-of-iron" Horshack

canbe bribed.

Let's circumnavigate those passes

so we can get over there to the pizza parlor.

Ooh, yeah. Boy, I can taste them anchovies

now, now, now.

Late passes, party passes

absentee excuses.

Maybe the off-campus passes are off-campus.

Hey, what's this?

Student evaluation reports

Michael J. Woodman, principal.

Oh, don't read that, Beau.

Put those down. You cannot read these.

No student can ever read

the student evaluation reports

never, never, never.

Hey, you know, that's true, man.

If we got caught looking at these

we can get into major league trouble.

That's right, the last guy who got caught

looking at this, is still clapping erasers.

And he graduated eight years ago.

Oh, give me that back.

Are they really that important?

- Yes, they are. - Let's check 'em out.

Well, then, what are we waiting for?

Beau, you really shouldn't do this.

Beau, this is not a right thing to do.

Beau, you shouldn't do this.

You could get in a lot of trouble, Beau

you can't do this kind of thing.

- Horshack! - Thank you.

You're welcome.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

I don't believe this, man.

I don't believe what they got in this thing here.

Listen to this, man.

Check out what Mr. Woodman wrote about me.

"Washington is capable of being a good student.

"He spends the majority of his time on the basketball court.

His per point game average is 28."

- Well, that's not so bad. - "And so is his IQ."

Well, listen to what Mr. Woodman has to say

about the kid here, are you ready?

"Juan Epstein has not lived up to his full potential.

"But when he does, it will be a federal matter

and out of my hands."

I do not believe what I am reading here.

It says that Itend to be childish.

Hey, c'mon, guys, there's no need to be upset.

These things don't mean anything.

Oh, yeah? Well, what did old woodface

have to say about you in there?

Yeah, well, what difference does it make?

- Let's just go have some lunch. - You look upset, man.

Hey, Mr. Woodman must have really nailed you to the wall.

Let's just see it.

Let's just forget it and go grab some lunch.

Your file.

- Let's see what it says. - Let's take a look at it, huh?

Now look it, Beau buddy, if you feel like crying

you go right ahead 'cause you're amongst friends.

- Yeah. - Be a man.

Says here, "You're a model student

"and citizen, courteous, respectful

well mannered and trustworthy."

Wow, all we need is "Thrifty, brave and kind"

and you could be a boy scout.

I ain't finished.

"Thrifty, brave and kind.

"The only fault I find with Beau de Labarre

"is the Motley bunch of punks

he insists on running around with."

Hey, that sounds like us.

Hey, come on, guys.

These reports don't mean anything.

I think they do.

I think that they mean that you've been doing

some apple-polishing above and beyond the call of duty.

Hey, you know what I think, man?

I think that while Beau was talking himself up

to Mr. Woodman, he been talking us down.

Let me tell you something, man.

From now on, you're on your own.

Hey, c'mon, I didn't have anything to do with this.

Give me a break.

Sure.

Which leg?

C'mon, guys.

Arnold?

In the words of the childish Arnold Horshack

liar, liar, pants on fire.

Hi, Beau.

Hi, Mrs. Kotter.

Beau, why are you eating here all by yourself?

Don't you usually eat in the schoolyard with the guys?

Yeah, the guys do. I don't.

Okay, what's the problem?

Look, I conned Mr. Woodman into thinking

I'm such a great guy.

Now my buddies think I'm a great jerk.

Well, why do you feel like you have to con people

into things all the time, anyway?

I don't know, I can't help myself.

You know, when you've been in and out

of as many schools as I have

conning people into liking you becomes second nature.

You know, Beau, people would like you a lot more

if you would just be yourself.

I don't think I know who myselfis anymore.

Beau, you are a real likeable guy.

You've got a great sense of humor.

I mean, all those stories about growing up

on the plantation are wonderful.

And how your daddy always used to say things in threes.

That's all real funny stuff.

Mrs. Kotter, my daddy never told me anything.

I hardly even knew who my daddy was.

I was shuffled from relative to relative.

And the closest thing I ever got to a plantation

was sneaking into the theater to watch "Gone with the Wind."

I know that.

You knew that?

Of course I did.

I could see through that phony act of yours

from the first day you got here.

Yah, but you're old and wise.

You are a charmer.

Yeah, well, I didn't charm anybody this morning.

You know what?

Why, why don't you just give the guys a chance?

Why don't you give yourself a chance?

You know, maybe even Mr. Woodman could help you.

Woodman?

You're a genius, Mrs. Kotter.

You know, Mr. Woodman got me into this mess.

I think Mr. Woodman's just gonna have to get me out.

Thank you, dear lady.

[sighs]

I wonder, Julie Kotter, student counselor.

[snoring]

[knock on door]

[snoring]

Mr. Woodman?

Oh. Ah, de Labarre, my boy.

Hope you weren't sleeping, Mr. Woodman.

Me? Sleeping? Nonsense.

I was just checking the desk

for imperfections in the veneer.

Yeah, when I heard you stayed up all late last night working

I figured the least I could do

was bring you a nice strong cup of coffee.

Help you through the day.

Ah, that's very thoughtful. Thank you, my boy.

You're welcome. Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Listen, why don't you just slip off those trousers

I'll take 'em down to Home EC and have the stain removed?

Oh, forget it. It's too much trouble.

Oh, Mr. Woodman, a man of your standing

cannot be seen around school with stained trousers.

Well, alright, if you say so.

Where are your manners? Turn your head, de Labarre.

Here!

Listen, why don't you just sit tight?

In fact, why don't you just take a little nap?

Ah.

You know, by the time you wake up

I'll have these back good as new.

Alright.

[snoring]

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Woodman's little angel.

You think I'm a Woodman's boy?

Well, I've got his pants right here.

What do you think about that?

Isn't that cute?

Now they're starting to dress alike.

For your information, I'm about to take these trousers

and run 'em up the flagpole.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go on, do it.

Just as soon as I do one more thing?

Oh, yeah, what?

This.

[alarm blaring]

- C'mon. - Let's get outta here.

[alarm blaring]

[snoring]

Mm. Woodman here.

Mr. Woodman, did you call a fire drill?

No, why?

Well, then the school's on fire

because the fire bell's going off.

Oh, good grief.

We have to evacuate the school.

Aghh!

Mr. Woodman, where are your pants?

I'm not sure.

They were with me when I came in.

You cannot leave the building like that.

Well, I can't stay in a burning building.

What am I gonna do?

Wait a second, I have an idea.

I can't believe Beau is really gonna go through with this.

Either he's crazy or he's got a lot of guts.

I know and as soon as Mr. Woodman finds out

his guts are gonna be all over this schoolyard.

Ladies and gentlemen, I called you here today

to pay tribute to our principal

a man whose tireless work never slacks.

Whose unequal leadership proves that he wears

the pants in this school

and I'm not just pulling your leg.

Well, that's so funny.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our principal

Michael J. Woodman.

[imitating bugle]

- Hip hip hooray! - Hip hip hooray!

Alright, you animals.

What exactly is the meaning of this?

Why, Mr. Woodman, you've got legs.

C'mon, you weasels.

I want to know who's responsible for this?

- Epstein? - Yes, ma'am... sir?

Ye-yes, sir? Yes, sir?

What do you know about this?

Uh, I don't know. Looks like somebody stole your bagpipes.

Horshack!

Well, uh, it's a very nice color on you.

But I think you'd do better in basic black.

Uh, Mr. Woodman, uh, don't worry, you know

we'll get your pants down for you

because you ain't in no condition

to climb up there and get 'em yourself.

Mr. Woodman, I'm responsible for this.

I pulled the alarm and I ran your trousers up the pole.

The guys had nothing to do with it.

de Labarre, I am shocked and appalled.

I never thought you would stoop so low

as to take the blame for these little packrats.

- But, Mr. Woodma-- - It's alright, it's alright.

I know they put you up to it.

Don't worry, their trouble-making days

in this school are over.

But, Mr. Woodman, I did it myself.

Forget it, son. Forget it.

Don't be noble.

Get to my office immediately.

Rest of you, back to your classes.

Get moving now!

What's wrong with you people?

Didn't you ever see a man with a skirt before?

Don't you remember Uncle Miltie?

Well, Beau, you come up smelling like a rose again.

- Yeah. - C'mon, guys.

And we just come up smelling.

Guys, look, I didn't mean to get you in trouble.

You know I didn't mean that.

You know, if I remember correctly

that's exactly what Bonnie said to Clyde.

- C'mon. - Leave it, man.

Never, and I repeat never, in all my years

as a teacher and administrator

have I witnessed such a disgusting display.

Well, don't blame us, Mr. Woodman.

They're your legs.

Freddie, will you quit it?

I think your legs are very cute.

We was framed, Freddie, we was framed.

I know. I think the southern-fried phony

put the screws to us again.

That's enough. Not another word.

You've had your laughs for the day.

Now it's my turn.

You realize when you set off a false alarm

that some students could be injured?

Here, here, one week's detention for each one of you.

And that's just the beginning.

When I'm through with you, you'll know the meaning of pain

torment and suffering.

- Mr. Woodman. - Not now, de Labarre.

I'm getting my jollies.

Look, I insist that I be heard

so just sit down and clam up.

Now in the words of my good friend, Freddie Washington

"Check it out."

That prank that was pulled this afternoon

required imagination, expert timing

and, above all, brains.

Now look at those faces.

You think there's a brain in those heads?

Well, now that you mention it.

To be successful, this scheme had to be pulled off

by someone you'd least suspect

someone who in your very words

is a "Model student and citizen

courteous, respectful, well mannered and trustworthy."

- Thrifty. - Brave.

And, lest we forget, kind.

And that someone is that little old pants waver, me.

You read your student file?

Yeah, well, it was all Mrs. Kotter asking...

You read your student file?

Well, since you put it that way, I suppose I--

Contrary to what you may think, de Labarre

this is not the first time

my pants have been run up the flagpole.

That I could forgive.

Now he tells us.

But never ever in the history of Buchanan High School

has a student dared, dared to enter

the hallowed sanctity of the student files.

How about that?

And then to top it off, this little stunt

with the fire alarm, where you could have taken

the fire department away from a real emergency.

Expulsion is too good for you, de Labarre.

Oh, no, I'm gonna keep you here at Buchanan

until you get more than you bargained for.

You're gonna do all three weeks' detention.

That's just for openers.

And to think that I trusted you.

I took you under my wing.

I thought of you as a son.

From now on, I'm treating you

just like another one of these wombats.

Hey, that-that's okay with me.

How about the rest of you wombats?

Okay with me, yeah.

You'll see just how tough I can get.

Be a long time before you pull another prank

on Michael J. Woodman.

Alright!

[indistinct yelling]

Juan.

- Hi, guys. - Hey, Beau.

- Hey, Beau. - Hey, Rembrandt.

You're still at it, huh?

Hey, as soon as I get done here

I'm through with my detention.

But you've been serving time

for over three weeks as it is.

Yeah, doing hard labor.

Last week, Mr. Woodman made him mow the football field.

What's so hard about that?

It was during the game.

Well, look, Beau, we'll just hang out

over here and, when you're done

we'll go to the pizza parlor to celebrate.

Uh, I wish you wouldn't do that.

Ah, c'mon, Beau, man, what are friends for, huh?

- You are my best friends. - All the way.

You are my friends, aren't you?

Until the end, yeah.

That's good.

'Cause I just painted the bench.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how it must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were turning in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back... ♪♪