Original subtitles

- What is this? - It's Arnold.

I think he was out with Mary Johnson again last night.

Here's $15 for last night.

Hey, that's not bad considering we started so late.

We've been together here for four, five nights in a row now.

We have a lot to get done.

It's almost as if we was going steady.

For your information, I've been going steady with you

for sometime now.

How come I'm always the last to know?

Oh, Arnold, I love you.

But why am I being transferred?

Arnold, your mother says your new father's Swifty

wants you all to live in his motorhome...

...behind the casino.

Do you mean to say that me, my brother and my sisters

are all gonna have to leave Brooklyn?

Isn't that wonderful?

I can't do that. I'm not gonna leave.

"And Napoleon died on the small island of Saint Helena

in the year 1821."

Does anybody have any questions for Mary on her report?

Was Napoleon happy in Saint Helena?

He was probably very unhappy

because he didn't wanna be there.

Maybe he just didn't try hard enough

to stay where he wanted to be.

But he must have known that I didn't want him to go away.

Have you guys got the same book everybody else has?

- I can't find it. - Yeah, in mine neither.

What would Napoleon do if he didn't go Atlantic City?

Certain things Napoleon has to figure out for himself.

I have one last question for you, Mary Johnson.

Yes, Your Highness?

Will you marry me?

Yes.

- Alright! - I can't believe it!

[all cheering]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place ♪

♪ That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

- Hey, any sign of Horshack yet? - No.

You know, man, I-I really hope that Arnold ain't chickenin' out

to come to his own bachelor party.

Here he comes! Here he comes!

- Alright, alright, come on. - Hey, here he comes.

Come on, Juan. Juan, you get ready.

- Do we have to go through this? - Come on, get ready. Come on.

- Come on, just do it. - Now you get in.

- Come on. - Get inside!

- You can do it! - I got you.

Alright.

What is this stuff, anyway, man?

Imitation wild cherry soda...

...with garlic and olive oil.

[spits]

You know, it was Vinnie's spaghetti pot.

It's the only thing I could find.

[knock on door]

- Anybody at home? - That's it, that's it.

Come on in, it's time for your bachelor party.

Huh? Ah!

Where, where is Juan and Vinnie?

Uh, Juan will be here in a minute

and Vinnie called, said he has to work late.

Yeah, but forget about them, Arnold

'cause today is your day.

You get a good grip on that punch, alright!

Arnold, here's to you.

May you do better on your honeymoon

than you did in algebra.

[groans]

This cherry soda is great.

Needs a little more garlic.

Anyway, Arnold, soon you're gonna be married

so that doesn't leave much time to have some fun.

Oh, yeah, Arnold, you see, you know, um

we figured that, um, that we was gonna provide you

with some female companionship on your last days of freedom.

So we took the liberty to borrow your little black book.

We're gonna call up a couple of your old girlfriends.

There were only two numbers in there.

Yeah, man, one was, um, thumb suckers' hotline.

The other one was an emergency night light service.

Oh, I get it!

This is just like, uh, Arnold Horshack roast!

I love it.

I don't know if we're gonna roast you, Arnold.

But we got something here that's gonna get your blood boiling.

- Yeah? - Ooh, yeah, boy.

- Don't worry about it. - I'm okay.

- We got you. - Ah.

Okay, stand by and hit that music.

Here, Arnold Horshack, the incredible, the lovely

the stupendous, the bombshell of Brooklyn

Miss Juanita.

♪♪

[laughs]

♪♪

Oh, this is so funny!

Did you guys think this up?

We just thought we'd have a few laughs, you know?

This is the last time we're gonna all

all be bachelors together, you know?

Yeah, you know, after six months of marriage to you

I-I think Mary will be on Easy Street scrubbing bricks.

[laughing]

I can take care of Mary.

Sure, you can buy her a new bucket every month.

[Freddie laughs]

Listen, Mary and I got big plans.

Oh, yeah, my sister had big plans

when she got married in high school.

It was a good thing her husband has a car

'cause now they're livin' in it.

Mary and I got a nice place to live, we got a good job

and Mary's very good around the house.

Yeah, uh-huh, but, uh, can she cook?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, uh-huh, but can she cook without food?

Yeah, we'll see how good she can cook when she has to boil

the same chicken three days in a row.

[laughing]

Hey, come here, Juan, you be the chick.

- Alright, alright. - Come here.

I'm you, Arnold, right? Check it out.

[imitates a knock]

Hello, Mary, I'm home.

- You bring any food? - No-o-o.

But I brought you my heart.

Throw it in the pot. It's the chicken's day off.

[laughing]

Do you mean to tell me that Juan really

dressed up like a girl at Arnold's party?

Yeah, you should have seen him. Worst mud.

Yeah, yeah, I make a real good-looking girl.

Yeah, I don't doubt it.

Three sailors came to our house looking for you last night.

What's going on here?

Oh, the guys were just telling us

about Arnold's, uh, bachelor party.

Well, I hope somebody told him what a mistake it is

getting married while he's still in school.

I'd tell him, but in his condition

it's like telling Billy Carter to keep his mouth shut.

Where is Arnold now? Home cramming for his blood test?

[laughs]

Mr. Woodman, why are you so cruel?

After all, they said they'll name

their first child after you.

Well, I wouldn't mind. That kid's gonna be famous.

That will be the first Horshack born in captivity.

[laughs]

He's just jealous. I'll see you later.

See you later.

Well, uh, gentlemen, are you gonna come inside and join me

or do you expect the knowledge to seep out under the door?

Not me, if-if I go in before the bell rings

I get a nose bleed.

Hey, yo, Mary, Mary, Mary.

Did you hear about that bachelor party

that we did for Arnold yesterday?

- Arnold's gone. - What do you mean gone?

- We saw him last night. - What are you talking about?

He just left.

I don't know what happened to him.

Did he say anything before he split?

He left a note.

But I don't understand any of it.

[clears throat]

"Dear Mary, I'll be back when I can take care of you.

"I don't want...

"I-I don't, I don't want you scrubbing bricks.

"I don't want you cookin' without food.

No chicken should be boiled more than once."

Mary, did, did Arnold leave any kind of clues around at all?

Yeah, look, Mary, um, you mind if we check around

I mean, if we look around the place and stuff like that?

We might find something that can be a clue to help us find--

- Sure, go ahead. - Yeah.

You know, in a case like this, you never can tell.

We might be able to find a, a-a road map

or a bus ticket or a suicide note--

Shh.

He couldn't have gone far. He only had about 50 cents.

Oh, come on, Mary, look.

In my day, I'd go all the way to Coney Island

have a real good time for less than 50 cents.

Yeah, but you were traveling with an organ grinder.

We-we can stop lookin'. Check it out.

- What you got, Freddie? - Look at this.

You see where this newspaper was opened up to, right?

Well, obviously Arnold was gonna check out one of these ads.

Freddie, I think you put your finger on it right over there.

Arnold Horshack has gone and joined the marines.

Excuse me, uh, I'm lookin' for a friend of mine.

You're looking for a friend of yours, what?

I'm looking for a friend of mine, Arnold.

I'm looking for a friend of mine, sir!

Oh, you too?

Well, maybe we could just look together.

[knocks on door]

Hey, man, what's happenin'? What's happenin'?

Is this the place where you hirin' them peoples

to go work in the...

Can't you read, kid? Sign says men wanted.

Yeah, I can see there's... Wait-wait-wait a minute.

- Just-just-just hold on, man! - Hey, look, junior.

Just come back when you grow up.

Hey, look, man, I'm talking to you, babe.

You think you bad? You won't say that in front of my face, uh...

Yeah, uh, um, I ain't looking for the job for me.

You see, uh, I was looking for a good friend of mine.

- A real good friend of mine. - A friend of yours?

Right.

Well, uh, why don't you check under some of these rocks?

[laughs]

Your mama lives under one of them rocks!

[screams]

You know, it says you're really great at finding missing people.

My friend, I am the best in the world, okay? Please have a seat.

You'll find anybody anywhere for $25? You're really that good?

Would you like to see a list of the people I have found?

- Would it make you feel better? - Sure.

It would? Because I don't mind. Normally, I would not do this.

For you, I don't, I don't mind, okay?

But it's around here. It is definitely around here.

I will find it later, alright?

Now, who is it exactly that you are looking for?

- His name is Arnold Horshack. - This is important.

I must write this down. All I need is a pencil.

Just a pencil to write this down and we're on our way.

Now...

...I don't have to write it down.

I have a mind like a steel trap.

But first, what I must do is call the airports

the bus terminals and so on.

Now I have these numbers in my telephone book.

I'd find it... Well, I have it here, I...

[mumbling]

I will call information.

You wouldn't happen to have a telephone on you, would you?

I'm joking. I'm joking. I know for a second there...

Sometimes I do these things. I'm sorry.

- I'm leaving. - No, no, no, please.

I have a phone. I remember I got the bill.

I remember, oh, I know I have a phone

and it is around here some...

Well, well, well, well, low and behold.

Here I found that list of people I was telling you about.

No, this is not the list of those people.

These are the list of the people

that are coming to my birthday party...

...last night.

Look, I can see you're all upset and everything.

I'm gonna go ahead and get going--

But first, I insist

for coming here and your trouble

I want you to have a card

and I want you to feel free to call me anytime.

I think I've got your number.

You do? Would you give it to me, please?

Thank you, this is very handy to have.

Young man, young man, I want to thank you

for coming in and seeing me today.

Whenever you are in the neighborhood

9:00 to 5:00, the door is always open.

May I help you?

Hey, look, Mary, um, we're sorry, man.

We checked everywhere and-and we couldn't find...

- Ain't that right, y'all? - Yeah, we did.

Don't worry, guys, it wasn't your fault.

- Yes, it was. - What do you mean?

- We did somethin' very rotten. - What?

Remember, we had that bachelor party and everything?

Well, we just kind of kidded Arnold

about how bad marriage is.

Yeah, you know, we-we're just kidders, Mary.

It just rolls off our back, you know?

- Just foolin' around, yeah. - I kid Epstein about his lock.

I kid Freddie about his lousy basketball.

- We do it all the time-- - Will you stop it?

And tell me what happened?

Look, Mary, um, we found out that there's some things

that you just don't kid about, you know?

Like marriage.

Or funerals or executions or...

...or leprosy.

So that's what Arnold was talking about in that note.

The jokes you were playing on him.

Didn't you realize that Arnold was sensitive

about all these things?

Look, Mary, we just weren't thinkin'.

Yeah, sometimes we're good at that.

Hey, look, Mary, we didn't wanna foul things up.

Oh, we was gonna throw you the biggest party

that-that Brooklyn's ever seen.

Is this where the paper was open to when you found it?

Yeah, we checked every possible lead.

But, but how about this page?

Oh, Mary, that's just a bunch of movie ads.

Go ahead with the wedding plans. I think I know where he is.

Hijackings.

Thank God.

♪♪

[woman on screen] Heathcliff?

Arnold?

[woman on screen] Heathcliff?

Arnold?

- Mary. - Arnold!

Will you shut up?

Arnold, why did you run away?

Because the guys were right. Popcorn?

If I married you...

...you'd be scrubbing floors for the rest of your life

tryin' to make ends meet.

Arnold, the guys were only kidding you.

Right now, they're out planning a beautiful wedding for us.

They're really?

They're the best friends anybody could ask for.

- Yeah, but I still can't-- - Shh.

I still can't give you all the things you need, Mary.

Do you think I expect you to give me things?

Well, sure.

If I'm your husband, I'm supposed to provide for you.

What am I supposed to do, sit out in the porch

and count bald eagles?

- What? - Arnold!

You're not supposed to give me anything.

We're gonna work for everything we need...

...together.

No, the guys were right.

This marriage is gonna be a big mistake.

I know Mrs. Horshack can handle any problems that come along.

How about Mr. Horshack?

Well, sure.

As long as he has Mrs. Horshack by his side.

He will, Arnold.

♪♪

You know somethin'? You are terrific.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Mr. Woodman, what's happenin'? Alright!

Hey, good to see you. What are you doing here?

Well, I've never seen a Sweathog get married

and I love freak shows.

[laughs]

- Hey, Mrs. Kotter. - Hi, Freddie.

- Hey, yo, Mrs. Kotter! - How you doing?

[indistinct chatter]

Will you, uh, put this with the bride's presents?

- Uh, no problem. - Uh, this too. Don't break it!

Yeah, be very careful with that, Freddie.

It's hard to replace things you get out of cereal boxes.

Gosh, there sure are a lot of flowers.

- Where'd you get them all? - I don't know.

Epstein was in charge of that.

What do you think of this one here?

- Is Arnold ready? - Almost.

We're waitin' for him to stop shakin'

so we can button his shirt.

Oh, the poor kid. Honey, why don't you go inside

and have a little talk with him? Maybe you can calm him down.

My talks always put him to sleep.

[laughs] That's really calmed down.

I'll talk to him.

Here we go, Arnold. You're kind of nervous, aren't you?

Arnold, when I got married, I was so nervous

when I said I do, it had 15 syllables in it.

You know, generally, I don't believe in teenage marriages.

But I'll tell you something I do believe in.

I believe in love.

Look, Arnold, you and Mary love each other

and everything's gonna be okay.

Arnold, what's the matter with you?

You tied my tie too tight.

[indistinct]

Hey, they're all set, Juan. Start the music.

- Sure. - Alright.

Mr. Music, if you please!

♪♪

♪♪

Juan, didn't you, uh, get a minister?

Mr. Reverend.

♪♪

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here

to join these two people in matrimony.

If there is anyone here who can show just cause

why these two should not be joined together

let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Do you, Mary, take Arnold

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Do you, Arnold, take Mary

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

- The ring, please. - Oh.

[clears throat]

Ring?

- Ring. - Ring!

You rang?

Here it is.

Place the ring on her finger.

By the power vested in me by the state of New York

and Musicians Local 802...

...I now pronounce you man and wife.

Now you may kiss the bride.

[all cheering]

♪♪

Well, Mrs. Horshack...

...I guess it's just you and me

forever and ever.

That's right, Mr. Horshack. Forever.

- And ever. - And ever.

And ever. So what's for dinner?

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place ♪

♪ That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think ♪

♪How you must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene ♪

♪ You were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there something that ♪

♪ Made you come back again? ♪

♪ And what could ever lead ya? ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪♪